 So today we're gonna talk about men and commitment. So I have a question for you, Marie. You occasionally overhear my coaching calls. What's the one consistent thing you hear from the women kind of in the background when I'm talking to them? Non-committal. Not non-committal men. Yeah. Yeah, a lot of men at midlife are non-committal. Did you ever experience a non-committal man? Yes. Okay. So today we're gonna talk about the number one reason men suddenly commit. Before we dive into that, I wanna talk about commitment though, because I think at midlife, commitment's a lot different than when you're in your 20s and 30s. So I always say that when you're in your 20s and 30s, if you're a man, if you're genuinely seeking to have babies and start a family with someone, then a man is looking for a wife. And when he's looking for a wife, he's considering the process differently than if he's not looking for a wife. Does that make sense? That makes sense. Okay. So when you got married, was your husband looking for, you're now ex-husband, was he looking for a wife? Oh yeah. Okay, talk about that for a second. About my husband looking for a wife? Well, I just meant you came from a culture that you're both Colombian and he was looking for a wife. I fit the profile. Okay, you fit the profile. And you know what's funny? Yesterday, Marie met my ex-wife. Sadly, we had to go to a funeral for a mutual friend of ours. And the same thing was with me. She fit the profile because I was looking for someone to start a family with and she fit the profile. I think in midlife, it's much harder to even ascertain what the profile is because we come to the table. Some people call it baggage. I like to call it luggage with children or professional life and there's alimony and child support and visitation rights and family court. It's really a stew of complication. And so I think for many men and women, it's hard to know what commitment looks like in midlife. I agree. Okay, so... Well, what about your title? Your title says about men that commit suddenly. Well, you know what's interesting? So a client recently shared something with me and this isn't the first time this happened. I mean, I've probably heard the exact same story dozens of times is why do men that I've dated suddenly marry the next person that they're with? You want my opinion? Oh, sure. I wasn't expecting it, but I'd like your opinion. Well, she wasn't the one. Okay, she wasn't the one, but what made these women all of a sudden the one? Because they were ready. Ah, these men were ready. Or there was something else there that was that spark. There was something different. Well, so I want to lean into what you just said, they were ready because one of the fundamentals men need to commit, whether it's suddenly or not, is they have to want commitment. I don't think it's a sudden thing. No! I don't believe in sudden commitment. No, in fact, even though the title was about suddenly, it really starts with a man desiring commitment before he ever meets the person. But do some men meet a person and they say, well, I'm not ready to commit. And then they meet the next person. They're like, wow, this is someone I want to commit to. So that's a good point. And that's actually what I want to address today because in many cases, especially right after divorce, I want to tell a quick story to everyone. Right after my divorce, I started online dating. And I remember five months in, I saw this woman's profile and I thought, oh my God, she's gorgeous, I'd like to meet her. Of course, most men operate from, if they're attracted to her, they want to meet her kind of thing. And she wrote me back, how long have you been divorced? And I said, I've been separated for five months. And she wrote me back, reach out to me, 18 to 24 months after your divorce, and when you've had one to two transition girlfriends. Oh, wow. Right? And you know, it's interesting, I said to her, I go, no, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready. And sure enough, a few months later, I meet a woman. I told you about the pharmaceutical rep. And we're three months into the relationship. And I said, oh my God, I'm not ready for a serious relationship. And she was my first of many transitional girlfriends. Wasn't it five years worth? Well, before I met my first significant relationship after my divorce, it was about five years. And my point is, in many cases, the woman that that man is with that chooses the next woman suddenly, it's because that woman unbeknownst to her was preparing him for the next woman. That relationship was kind of a launching pad. Well, that sucks. Yeah, it sucks to be in that position of transition girlfriend. It's one of the reasons why in my private coaching, by the way, there's a link, right? Do you see this? Can you point at it? I can't, I have to go, I don't know how to do it. So in my private coaching, I teach you how to vet for emotional maturity. I teach you how to ask the right questions to determine are you going to be just another transition girlfriend in this man's life, or is he ready? Because it's not about suddenly being ready. That doesn't happen. Now, with what you did say, there are men that start off casual and that relationship can develop into something more serious. The problem is nine out of 10 times, the men who say they want something casual, they want no pressure. Nine out of 10 times, or maybe 99 out of 100 times, it's not going to turn into anything serious. But that's what women think on. Okay, do you want to elaborate on that? Well, a lot of women think that, even though he says it's casual, we're going to keep it casual, we're going to keep it casual, but once he really gets to know me, he's going to want to be with me. And that's where I find it really sad because you waste a lot of your time on somebody that's not going to commit to you. Well, the other thing I think that happens is women are feeling like them because they've invested in time, the men start to act in poor behavior, their behavior starts to disintegrate, and they begin to start doubling down on that man. In other words, I've got so much invested. I can't let this one go because I have too much invested. It's like when we were gambling that one time on the cruise ship and you're like, I thought you should quit. Cut your losses. You're like, no, I've lost too much. I got to win it back kind of thing. And I think a lot of women do this and they accept bad behavior from men when they should just cut their losses. Do you seem like you have something you want to say? No, I wasn't losing. Yeah, you did. No, no, I made money and then... Started to lose. Anyway, okay, so coming back to, you know, it's interesting when I was preparing for our video today, I actually typed in why men suddenly commit. And a friend of ours, a mutual friend of ours, actual quote that he had written came up on the internet. And I'd like to share it with you. It's from Tripp Kramer. Tripp Kramer is the man who married Megan and I was the officiant at the wedding and I came to Chicago for this wedding and that's where we met. So Tripp Kramer wrote the following. He said, a man will commit when he feels a deep connection with a woman that he doesn't feel with anyone else. When he finds a lover who is also his best friend that makes him feel special and unique. And I felt like that was so perfectly worded when there's a deep connection. So do you remember on your dating profile what you wrote? I do. Okay. You weren't prepared for this. No, no. Okay. What did you say in your dating profile? I said, I want a deeply connected relationship, something like this that would lead to mutual trust and admiration. Okay. And so when you read my profile, what was your thoughts about just even the essay of the profile? Well, I thought what you wrote matched what I was looking for. Okay. So here's the thing about deep connection. I think deep connection could be very confusing to people. What is deep connection? Because these days, I believe most people have surface conversations and not deeper conversations of vulnerability I'm sharing from notes. So surface conversations. How's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. That's my line from Kramer. In fact, you had dated a man. I dated someone that, you know, twice a day. It was the good morning and then the hug your day go, what do you do all day? And so that brief encounter never materialized because it was a surface relationship. Now, here's the thing about deeper conversations and vulnerability. Women actually get tricked by something that happens with men. And I want to talk about this before we go into a deeper aspect of this because men who share their problems particularly about their past relationship or their marriage, it seems like a deep conversation. It seems like vulnerability. Do you know where I'm going with this? Do you know who I'm talking about? Not exactly. Oh, the H word. So you two connected with each other and he shared the problems in his marriage, right? Right, in both ways. Yeah, you shared about the problems with your marriage. And in that, the two of you, and I mean to some degree, even though the relationship was a strong relationship at one point, I think you bonded in that trauma but that wasn't true vulnerability. That was just sharing your problems. Why I'm saying this to everyone is in some ways you were his therapist for a while. Yeah, he was mine too. Okay, so you were each other's therapist. A lot of women find themselves thinking that there's true vulnerability being built with a man when you're sharing your mutual problems or he's leading with his problems in his past marriage and what happens for a lot of women they turn into the therapist. Yeah, I've seen that a lot. Yeah. When I think of some of my friends, I didn't see it in myself obviously because I would have stopped at that time had I healed and known more but I see a lot of friends that they find men that I just call them fixer-uppers that they think they're gonna fix them. Yeah, yeah. They're wounded warriors. Yeah. And there's nothing wrong with that. It's actually a very admirable thing to do to be a support person. However, what happens in many cases is that they become the therapist for this man, okay? And then when he's healed, he ends the relationship because he's already been vulnerable in a weak capacity and he goes and finds someone new that he becomes the bright shiny penny. So in those cases of clients and other women I've spoken to where why did he marry the next man? It's because most likely you operate it unbeknownst to yourself as his therapist. The woman. The woman. The next, well yeah, he finds the next woman is because the previous woman was literally his therapist. Now, why do I say therapist? Because men oftentimes don't speak to other men about their problems. We avoid conversations with our male friends and it's so much more comfortable to talk to a woman because women are more nurturing. They're more compassionate. They're more sensitive. So I wanna talk about shifting the conversations from those men that talk about their unhappy marriage to the real conversation that leads to intimacy. And that is when you talk about your fears, you talk about your shame, your judgment and guilt. So do you remember when we were dating and I talked about Connor? Yes. Okay, folks, if you're not aware of this, I lost my 19 year old son almost five years ago to an accident. And obviously that's anyone who's a parent right now knows that that's the scariest thing that can happen in our lives. And in my particular case, I shared with you the shame I felt around that, the guilt I felt around that, even the anger I felt around that. That was me being as vulnerable and authentic and transparent. Okay, so do you see the difference between sharing problems about your marriage versus talking about a real place of shame, of fear? I mean, didn't that build trust between us? Of course it did. Okay, and what does trust do for two people? What does trust do for two people? Yeah, when two people can actually- It creates intimacy. Yeah, intimacy creates trust. Trust builds more intimacy, but intimacy is built through sharing your fears, your insecurities. I mean, it includes your joys, but even like, what was I talking to you about the other day, the judgment I had over someone? Okay, I can't remember now, but these are things we talk about that builds intimacy. Okay, so where does this relate to commitment? Well, ultimately commitment is built not through the good times, and it's not built by using someone as your therapist. Intimacy is built in the capacity to be vulnerable and more importantly, ready, being ready for a relationship. So, and it requires desiring a life partner too. So just to take a rewind here, I went through a divorce almost 15 years ago. I was a train wreck for a long time. And then I met someone and I was in a relationship with her for on and off for six years. And while it was a good relationship, it still wasn't the right relationship. I hate to say it, we were each other's training wheels for our now significant relationship. And I think that what happens in this case where men suddenly commit oftentimes in the new person is because the person that they were with was kind of their training round. Yeah. And I mean, did you ever feel that with men that you dated that you were their training ground to some degree? No, I didn't, other, you know, my significant relationship, yes, we bonded in our both traumas. We were both getting out of a divorce. As a matter of fact, our divorces were final on the same day, so. It was? It was. Oh, I didn't know that. Our divorce was on the same day. So, you know, yeah, I learned a lot. And even after that significant relationship, you went to the naked divorce. By the way, folks, check out something, the naked divorce.com or naked recovery.com. Ask for Adele, mention both our names, okay? Because you went through this program that really helped you heal. Yes. And Adele also offers a clarity call so you can actually talk to her and she can explain to you what, you know, if you're a right fit, but it was great for me. Can someone in the chat box write nakeddivorce.com or nakedrecovery.com and please ask for Adele and include both our names. Because while you did the naked divorce, naked recovery to heal, I went to the Hoffman process after my significant relationship ended to really heal my childhood wounds, my traumas, my adult relationship issues that prepared me to be ready because the reality is is men don't suddenly commit, okay? They have to be prepared to commit. They have to want to be intentional. And at the same time, like what, you know, what Tripp said, when we feel a deep connection with someone and deep connection doesn't come without being vulnerable, authentic and transparent. And most of you, I'm sorry to say are having surface conversations with men. The highlight of your day is, how's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. And I'm intentionally, you know, a little bit comical when I say it because true intimacy comes through deeper connection. And connection has nothing to do with sex. Oh, good point. I'm glad you brought that up. What's your favorite thing to do in the morning? Coffee, we have morning coffee on the couch. Okay, and today we had a rough conversation. We did, we did. We were talking about some, what was depressing? Well, it was depressing because we had been to this funeral the day before. So it just kind of, you know. But yet it was raw. It was authentic. It was transparent. We talked about our fears related to aging and we've been watching the show called The Resident. So, and it's all about traumas in the ER type of thing. The whole world has to know what show we're watching. We're going to watch The Bachelor tonight. I got to find out what happens to Zach. I'm rooting for Ariel, by the way. All right, so anyway, coming back to it. The bottom line is this, ladies, if I've learned one thing, men don't suddenly commit. They have to want a life partner first and foremost. Number two, they have to be in a state of readiness and number three, there has to be a deep connection built between the two of you. And the only way to get there is through vulnerability, authenticity and transparency. And one of the reasons why my clients beat the odds because let me tell you something, dating sucks and the odds are against you. Why do my clients have success? Because they know to cut to the jugular. They lay their cards on the table through radical honesty. Early, it eliminates a lot of the wrong guys, but what happens is the cream rises to the top and that's what I help teach you all. So check out the link below to a discovery call with me. If you can't afford coaching, check out my group called Midlife Love Mastery. Check out all the books I recommend, including my book, What the Heck is Self Love Anyway, A Journey of Personal Development, Self Help in Spiritual War. All right, links below. We're gonna do Q and A. Okay, first I have to say something. Okay. Okay, so you all know that I don't do this for a living. I've never been on camera before. And sometimes, you know, doing, he doesn't give me any notes. I don't know what his topic is gonna be. We just sit here and just make it happen. So do I really cut you off? Well, we get a lot of people saying that he cuts me off. But the truth is I have to think about what I'm gonna say because, you know, this is kind of scary and I might say the wrong thing. So I, you know, sometimes I think and I'm like a deer in headlights. And so he, you know, he jumps in. So I don't feel that he cuts me off. And if he does cut me off, then I'll be hitting his leg. All right, if today I feel, you feel like you cut off or something you wanna say hit my leg, okay? All right, so I'm glad you cleared that up because I've been a little bit annoyed because when we talk, we probably cut each other off most of the time. Well, we do because we all, we both have more to say than the other. Anyway, all right, we're gonna take questions right now. For those who know my format, if you have a question, write the word question in the chat box and post the question or purchase a super sticker super chat. There's a dollar sign. If you're watching the replay, you can hit the super thanks. All the monies from the super sticker super chats goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's a picture of him right there in the obey shirt. He's my son who passed away five years, almost five years ago. And his honor we donate to causes like the Hoffman Process and Insight Institute. And I'll be donating some money to my friend who lost his son recently as well. So to the charity that they choose. So again, purchase a super sticker super chat and write the word question. So it's easier for fine. By the way, there is a spoiler alert. Someone just posted Ariel didn't went home. So we haven't watched it yet. We were going to watch it tonight because it doesn't show up till Hulu later. I Googled it. Oh, you Googled it. Well, don't tell me. I don't want to know who won. Okay. All right. So let's see if we have any questions. Linda writes, Marie, how can you say connection has nothing to do with sex? Okay, that's a good question. Well, it is. But for me, emotional connection is much more important before you get to the sexual part of it. That's just me. So, and I think that's a very valid question, Linda. So I appreciate you brought that up. Sex, so when we think of intimacy, we can think of emotional intimacy and physical intimacy. And there's no doubt. Sex is an integral part of a relationship. In fact, what did I say in my notes? I said something, your best friend who you have regular sex with, okay? Right, but when you're just meeting somebody, if you're gonna start having deep connection with, you're not, for me, at that point, I wouldn't even be thinking about sex. Is this somebody that I would even want to consider personal relationship with? And then ultimately, I think a lot of this, what I'm about to say, I've heard from so many men, they can have sex with women and feel no emotional connection with them. It's the women that they actually feel emotional connection with them while they're having sex are the ones that they want to commit to. So, and that was built, like what you're talking about prior to having sex, building that emotional connection so that when you are having sex with them, like, and that's how I feel with us, I feel this overwhelming sense of connection because it was built before, you know, we... Because it wasn't just sex. It wasn't just sex, exactly. So, Linda, that was a great question. Thanks for bringing that up. All right, let's see what we have. Vera says, you're a sweetheart and you're doing a great job. We love you to have right next to Jonathan, you're a gorgeous couple, by the way. Thank you so much, we appreciate that. Melanie says, Marie, you have a strong energy. Do not think she would anyone... Do not think she would anyone... Let anyone cut her off. Okay, thanks so much. All right. Denise quickly said, she is saying that these are independent from using sex as a way to get connection. Exactly, exactly. That's a great point. Great way of putting it, so. All right, here we go. Kathleen writes, question. I've dated a guy for six months. When we are having a disagreement, he diminishes my feelings and can't say he's sorry. Anything I can do to help him understand that the importance of apologizing. Actually, I wanna hear what you have. Do you have something to say on this? Because you're really good, you're really good at communicating. Okay, somebody that can't own it or an apology isn't, I'm sorry you feel that way. Yeah, I can't stand the people say, I'm sorry you feel that way. That's not an apology. No, I'm so glad you said that. An apology is, I didn't realize you felt that way. I'm sorry about that. I'll try better. I really do, I don't know how to make someone do that way. Yeah, you know, it's interesting. I think it might start by saying, I don't feel heard in this particular instant, but you're right, if a person can't, this is really tricky because coming back to this question, I wanna point out something. Wait, where is it again? Dating him for six months. He diminishes my feelings. So right off the bat, your feelings are your own. Your feelings cannot be diminished, okay? So when someone does that. But he's being dismissive of the feelings. Being dismissive of the feelings. So I think standing up for yourself is my feelings are true for me. If he discounts your feelings, diminishes your feelings and then can't take ownership, this is borderline narcissistic behavior. That's a gaslighting behavior and certainly a person that doesn't have empathy for your feelings. Let me ask you a question, Kathleen. Do you feel happy in this relationship? Is there, because this is only gonna get worse. And ultimately, I think it's about sharing how you feel exactly and asking for a, I would ask for a coach, a counselor or someone to mutually, you've got some of this. You're tapping my leg so you have something to say. Well, I think if you say with somebody that's treating you that way, you're settling. You're settling for less than you deserve. If he isn't willing to listen to you and at least try to understand your point of view and how it makes you feel. You can't, feelings are feelings. Nobody can tell you, you shouldn't feel that way. It's how you feel. So you're the one that's gonna have to decide if he's not somebody that's willing to do that or go with you to see a therapist. But I know I get the feeling that a lot of men that are like that think that a therapist isn't gonna tell them anything they don't already know. Yeah, and that rarely does work. And most likely, well, you know what she could do is start doing some really jackass things to him, diminish his feelings when he brings it up and never apologize when she's actually done something. And I'm being tongue in cheek here. You know, this is a challenge. You can't change someone. You can simply express how you feel. And if he continually diminishes your feelings, ask yourself, is this the person I wanna be with? Now, if he loves you, if he truly loves you, he's gonna listen to you. He's going to try to make adjustments to make you feel loved. Because basically when someone does that, it doesn't make you feel loved. So... And you know what? This thing about men not going to therapy, I think that's bullshit. I'm here to say if, you know, very few people are good at relationship. I can bet you anything. He's got a string of past relationships that didn't work out. And he doesn't recognize that he is the common denominator in his past relationships. Anyone who's unwilling to seek help to improve something is a person that isn't genuinely serious about wanting something substantial. That's just my two cents anyway. No comment? No comment. Okay. You don't wanna, we don't have to belabor this. Speak your truth, do it in a kind way. And if he doesn't appreciate you, then you have to ask yourself, is this the right person for you? Kathleen, thank you so much for that question. Jennifer or Isabel wrote, how do you deal with mummies, boys and interfering mothers? Were you ever a mama's? Were your boys mama's boy? Were you an interfering mom to your, okay. No, but I've seen that. In fact, there's a, I think there's a reality show on mama's boys. Oh, that's right. On Hulu, there's a mama's boys. How do you deal with that? You know what, you're, anyone, well it kind of goes back to the covert incest we talked about before. Any, and covert, by the way, if you're not familiar with what's called covert incest, this is many cases where a, typically it's a father, daughter, mother, son, where the mother to the son is the mother, either the mother's emotional support system or the son's emotional support system. And this works the same way with men and their daughters. Their actual relationship is almost, it's not true incest, it's not sexual incest. No, it has nothing to do with incest. It's emotional incest. And oftentimes those people need to be separated from one another to ever have a chance. Right, that's something that really, I experienced something similar and it really makes it a relationship difficult when you're not the number one person because you find out what's going on in his life while he's talking to his daughter and it's like, no, this is not the way it's supposed to go. If you're not emotional priority in the relationship, the mother in this case for the son, is the mother's the emotional priority or in the case of a daughter where the father is an emotional priority, you're competing with someone who most likely won't put you at that same level of importance. And I would very, it's hard to deal with that. I believe the problem is not his mother, the problem is him. He's the one that has to give you your place. And if he doesn't, then you're gonna have that problem for the rest of your life. What did they say in Forrest Gump? Run, Forrest, run. I'd run from those guys, okay? Okay, thank you so much. Jennifer writes, I agree with Marie about emotional connection is so important. I've been with men in the past and they've had no emotional connection. Thank you for sharing that. Catherine writes the following question. What discussion topics do you think have most helped the two of make, I'm assuming the two of us make a deep connection? A deep connection? A deep connection. Okay. Important topic. So Jonathan, when, you know, some of you may know that when I first met him, I, it's like he asked a lot of questions, a lot of questions that I'd never experienced a person like that. And I even told my daughter, this guy's exhausting. He wants to unpack everything. So it was a little, it was just, what, we talked about everything. Well, we talked about finance. We talked about our kids. We talked about our previous relationships. We talked about what we're looking for. We talked about sex. I'm a guy. I want to be, let's not, I mean, I want to be real here. We talked about a lot of deep things. Most of it was centered, from the beginning it was centered around our past relationships and the wounds we experienced from our past relationships and the recovery of those wounds from our past relationships. So we talked about, you know, I told him I had gone to naked divorce. I told him a lot of things that I had done that I had never talked to anybody before. I, gosh, I had, like with the professor. He, I never talked to him about that. Oh, okay, okay. Like I think back, I never had those conversations. Why? Because I just didn't really think that that relationship was going to go anywhere. So what I've observed in some of your past dating experiences and certainly my own was, in many cases, some of them were just surface relationships that COVID in particular caused us to choose some people for the companionship, but not the deep connection. I think there was this overall desperate feeling going on for a period of time. And these, for myself, I think you felt the same way. Well, I had a relationship. It was a great relationship. It was just not deep. And I knew it wasn't deep, but it was a placeholder. And I mean, no disrespect, but in many of, and by the way, a lot of you ladies, you're in what I call placeholder relationships, you know, the men. So if you want to break that pattern of being a placeholder, of being that, you know, the transition girlfriend, and he suddenly finds the next person to commit to, it starts with radical honesty, deep vulnerable conversations. So I hope we answered your question. The topics, I think we already addressed as well. So Catherine, thank you so much for that. We really appreciate it. Let's see. Oh, here's one. And again, write the word question before you write, post the question. I didn't feel much connection with a guy for eight months, but after this, there was sexual and emotional connection. Is this normal? We both are people who take a long time to put our guards down. So... I think, I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I think some people just take time. The challenge with time though, and I'm not against it, is wasting time. You know, is it... Yeah, the question is, how do you know that it's gonna get to that point? Yeah. And so I think some women bet, if I keep, if I just show him, I'm not suggesting about you, Lindy, but with many women, they think if I can just show him how great I am, he will wanna commit. And so coming back to this, I didn't feel much connection. Well, I hear there was some connection, so let's differentiate between no connection and some connection. If there is connection there, yes, that can be built and grow upon with each other. That's absolutely true. At the same time, you could be betting in a fixer-upper, and you know, like what was that movie with Tom Hanks, the house that was a disaster? You know, be careful investing in a broken-down house, so to speak. So, all right, let's keep going. Oh, here we go. Thank you, Rabbit Heart from the 999 Super Sticker Question. Any tips for connecting deep with a man that has an avoidant attachment style? We are compatible, but it seems like steps forward and then back. So, if you're not familiar with the work of Amir Levine, Rachel Heller. By the way, I'll pull a copy of the book. The book is, anyone who's watching, the book is called Attached. Nope, let's see. Okay, Amir Levine, Rachel Heller. This talks about the three different type attachment styles. There is known as Anxious, Avoidant, and Secure. Anxious people are typically your needy people. They're very anxiety-based in relationship. I'm a little bit anxious. Avoid. Wait, what am I? Well, I think your default is a little bit avoidant. I think we're both secure now in our lives, but my default is- I take the test and I'm secure. Yeah, everybody is secure when they take the test, because they don't answer it properly. But I think you are as close to being secure as possible, but to answer your question about avoidance. Avoidance, fear, love deeply. Anxious people desperately need love. Avoidance are afraid to love, and yet at the same time, they deeply wanna be loved. So how do you- So the importance with these relationships with an avoidant, if there is a true connection there, is to keep building upon it over time, okay? It's gonna require demonstrating trust with one another. It's gonna demonstrate being vulnerable, authentic, and transparent with one another. And it's gonna most likely need some storms. And what I mean by storms is there's going to be little fights that may occur. In those little fights, these are known as threshold barriers. If you continually overcome a threshold barrier and another threshold barrier and another threshold, he will begin to feel safer in the relationship. That's one way. Or he's most likely going to need a traumatic event, a humbling event to shift him. I oftentimes in the previous videos, I talk about the movie, Officer and a Gentleman. Richard Gere is the quintessential avoidant man in this relationship, right? Does anyone remember the movie, Officer and a Gentleman? Richard Gere, young Richard Gere was an avoidant. It took his best friend committing suicide for him to shift. So it's either gonna take, as I said before, building trust through these threshold barriers or an absolute humbling event. The problem with an immediate humbling event, it's unlike the movie, he shifted automatically, it could take time for that. So he's gotta heal from that. Yeah, he's gotta heal from that. So, but those are usually the two ways an avoidant shifts more into a secure is building trust. Okay, well, I wanna make sure I'm not cutting you off. Like everybody thinks I cut you off. So I wanna, let's keep going. I know we had another, we had another $10. I just wanna say, Denise says, thank you for the $10 super sticker, Denise. We appreciate, love this conversation. We appreciate that so much. All right, let's keep swimming. Michelle says, actually after you watch The Bachelor, I'm curious on your and Marie thoughts about what Zach does. Well, again, we haven't seen it, but we know it's sex week. You know, folks, I typically don't like reality TV. And yet I'm interested in these reality TV shows because I believe it's a microcosm into human behavior, particularly in romantic relationships. So this is actually fodder for me to watch these things. But I am addicted to it. And I did have a crush on Ariel. I'm bummed, she got bumped. But you know, the reality TV also, you're dealing with some people that you're coaching that go through these things. Oh yeah, absolutely. I'm glad you brought that up. By the way, the reason why I liked Ariel, she reminds me of you. She has boys. Yeah, she's boys. She's classy. And by the way, you have a crush on that doctor from the resident anyway. So no, not from the good doctor. When that's all right. Anyway, Jasmine says, going back to it, so true, Jonathan, about therapy. Exactly, thank you. All right, let's keep swimming here. Melanie writes, question. We got engaged after 10 months, had an argument, alcohol. Two months engaged, should we continue now that he's taken the initiative and getting counseling? Well, alcohol-related arguments. First off, alcohol can be the death or success of some relationships. And I'm joking about the success part. I think if he's taking initiative and getting counseling, that's a great sign. Someone who's willing to make effort, that's a great sign. So arguments are going to happen. Conflict resolution is an imperative skill for a significant relationship. So Melanie, I think in this case, if he's willing to do work, that's a great sign for the both of you. While that can't be a guaranteed success, it's certainly a lot better than people that don't make the effort. Yeah, it's a start. And you guys are engaged for a reason. So I would give it a chance. Okay. All right, let's see. Here we go. Eva writes, question. What can you do if you feel as though your partner has intimacy and anxiety? Anorexia? Oh, intimacy, anorexia. Have you ever heard of this? And if so, how have couples overcome that? So intimacy, anorexia, emotional constipation, you know? I've never heard those things. Well, okay, think of anorexia. It's getting skinny, it's, you know, it's eliminating. So they're avoiding sex? No, avoiding, well, it could be, I'm assuming emotional intimacy as opposed to physical intimacy. I haven't heard it, but I'm familiar with it. What can you do to overcome this? Check out the book. Okay, I like Barbara DeAngelis' work, okay? She wrote a book, How to Make Love All the Time. It's pretty thick, okay? I definitely recommend, by the way, all the books I recommend are in the description below. What I like about her book, it's all designed to build emotional intimacy with your partner. One of the things I do in my private coaching, what do I do is help create the conversations to build emotional intimacy. How does this happen? Being vulnerable, being authentic, being transparent, overwhelming the person so they get exhausted. You didn't run away even though I exhausted you. Well, because, you know, I wanted somebody deep. It was just when you put it out in the universe and then you get someone like really deep and you go, wow. Yeah, I'm not the eight foot pool. I'm the Marianas trenches of deep, you know? Eight miles below the water, you know? So my point is, intimacy is built through vulnerability, authenticity and transparency. Check out this book. You know, read the other books I recommend like Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters. Check out the book I Hear You by Michael Sorenson. And again, in the description below is a Jonathan recommended reading list. I highly recommend those books. Okay, let's keep swimming here. Ba-ba-ba, question from AD. How do you know when it's safe to share things about your past relationships? We shared it on the first, for our first day we even talked about our past relationships. So the way I did things, you know, prior to Jonathan, in fact, when we met, that's what you didn't like that all I did was talk about my life and my relationships because the way I thought it would be is like, I'm just gonna tell him everything, here it is. But you didn't like, you're gonna interrupt me. I stopped, I stopped. You didn't like that I didn't ask you questions. Yeah. Well, but you didn't ask me questions, I just... Sure, I opened the door with questions. Tell me about your past relationships. So, well, I think if you remember, what do I do all day long as I ask questions? So what I didn't appreciate was, I know you felt you would lay your cards on the table. What I didn't appreciate is you didn't try to extract that information from me. Okay. So, well, we got over... I didn't know how to do that. Yeah, so now we, we're more intentional about that. Coming back to this person's question, when is it safe? Well, here's the thing we have to think about the word safe, okay? Are we talking about, are there things that you might share that might be a secret and wouldn't you wouldn't want public? That's one way of looking at it. Or are we talking about safe is sharing something that might cause a man to run the other way? Okay, so let's look at it from those two prisms. You know, men are territorial. So we don't typically want to know about your past relationships. In fact, in some ways that may not be healthy because men avoid on some level, they want to like almost be ambivalent, not ambivalent, they almost want to block out that you've ever slept with another man because we want you to all be virgins, okay? Well, that's, I mean, men operate that way. We're territorial. I think the importance is when you're with an emotional grownup sharing about your past, gives you a window on how they would operate in the future to some degree. You know, like hearing about your past marriage and your significant relationship, I got the sense of who you were as you gave me a kind of a, I got the sense that you're a loyal, trustworthy person based on sharing your past relationship. I think by me being vulnerable and sharing my past did the same for you. That may not be true for everyone because not everyone is an emotional grownup. I mean, the reality is, is we're dealing with emotionally dysfunctional people most of the time. So whether it's safe or not, you know, you have to feel safe within yourself and recognize that whatever you share, if it's sincere and from the heart, you can't scare away the right guy. Anything to add? Nope, totally sad. Okay, thank you. All right, let's go to Rika question. Dated in the past three months and NC one year, I don't know what NC is now in biz together. He has a baby mama. I sense he has plans of having me romantically but we remain professional. Is it sensible to ask him about this? So folks, I'm really, I'm all about cut to the chase. Okay, this game of like playing cat and mouse and you know, playing hard to get or you know, playing the field, whatever you're playing, I'm like, look, do you like me? Do you want to explore a relationship with me? Are you interested in getting married or living with someone? If so, what does commitment look like for you? I prefer you set the rules of engagement in the beginning. Okay. Okay. What do you agree with me on this? I do, I do. Well, that's, I put all my expectations out there. Well, after the first conversation. Are we talking about the time we talked on the phone or when we physically met? Gosh, it's all blur now. I think probably when we met. Okay, only because I felt like I put all my expectations on the table and you kind of, well, I think, okay, why I was taken aback by it. I think in my case, because I was reluctant to explore distance. I put my expectations, not expectations, but my stand, my desires upfront and you seem to mirror my desires. So, I mean, it was kind of like we were a mirror of one another. That's how it felt. Does it make sense? Or does that feel true? It was a long time ago. Okay. Okay. So coming back to do this, just be upfront. I like you or do you like me? Do you want to explore a relationship with me? Are you, what does commitment look like for you? And this is what I desire. And if it makes sense, let's explore it. That's my way of looking at it. All right, great. Weijin writes, hello, YouTube. Jonathan looks great, but Marie, you look drop dead gorgeous tonight. You are drop dead gorgeous. Thank you. Oh, thank you for that. LG says, I listened to the audio book of Attached on Tube. It's excellent. Yes, you can look it up on YouTube as well. All right. Let's find another question. Weijin wrote, I love officer and a gentleman. Thank you so much. Oh, Melanie has a part two to that. By the way, I took the engagement ring back during argument. Now he says he doesn't want to lose me. Please just ordered your book for us to read. Okay. I want you to read another book together. If you're going to at least make an investment in one another, oops. A little different one. I want you to read the book, eight dates by doctors, John and Julie Gottman. This will outline, literally it will be your outline for the conversations to have to determine if you're truly compatible with one another. The Gottman Institute. I'd also, everyone Googled the Gottman Institute. John and Julie Gottman are experts at predicting relationship success. And in fact, I believe they have a 95%. They in 15 minutes can meet with a couple and within that 15 minutes determined with a 95% success rate, whether that couple will make it or not. Like that's how good they are at this by just watching a couple for 15 minutes. Wow. Yeah. Why aren't they everywhere? They are everywhere. Over 30,000 couples they've counseled. And so the Gottman Institute, check out the book, eight dates. Okay. Joyce, can you read what Joyce just said? Jonathan, you seem like a new man with your beautiful girlfriend. You've found love. Well, I do feel very grateful that she's in my life. So thank you so much, Joyce. I appreciate that. Margaret says, I hear you as a great book. Again, I hear you by Michael Sorenson. Let's check out what Rita says. Rita writes, question, how would you recommend to meet quality men? I'm 35, online doesn't seem to be my thing. Would appreciate Marie's advice here. Well, you're 35, you're young. You can go out with friends. You can join clubs. You can play sports. You can, you know, softball leagues, whatever. Those are good ways of meeting people. A lot of, you know, church groups, if you're into that, a lot of places. But the truth is, you cast a wider net if you're online, except you really do have to learn how to sift out the people you don't want. Who teaches how to sift out? He does. I did a really good job. I did a really good job. You did it. You know, it's interesting folks. Marie learned, I think through School of Hard Knocks, I think that year of trying to get those $1,000 shoes really quickly. Do you want to tell the story real quick and hang into the bar? Well, in Chicago, there was, you know, they're gonna reopen actually. Tavern on Rush, on Monday nights, they used to raffle off Christian Lebaton shoes. And so I would go there with my girlfriends. And it was fun. And it was full of men. Most of them were, you know, conventions or whatever, but it was just full. And I learned that the guys that rely on their looks, those are the ones that I didn't want to talk to because that's all, you know, they came like Guido's and I don't know, but the just nice guys that would come up and just talk, I just found much, you know, they were much more engaging, much more interesting. Were they people that I never went out with anybody? You told me though, by that interaction with men, like every week there was almost a new guy, you shared with me that you got a sense of how to read men through that experience. I could see a guy across the room and know that he was gonna come over and he was gonna be exactly like I thought he was gonna be. And I hate saying that I was making this judgment, but I saw that so much, you know, and they come out and let me buy you a drink, hey, baby. And that to me was the biggest turn up, so. With that though, you learned a skill. Again, this is what I teach and I'm putting the odds in your favor is the skill to read men. You kind of learn how to pick men who were serious versus the ones who were gonna waste your time. Correct. That's not everybody has learned that skill. That's a skill, like learning how to play the piano or learning how to play the guitar. That's a skill that you did through repetition over and over and over again. And that's something that I had to learn. So for those of you that don't know, I was married for 25 years and then had a significant relationship immediately after that. So when I found myself single, I, you know, I had to learn how to be single. I'd never been single. I got, I was engaged at 19. So it's like, you don't know yourself much less what you want at that age, but you know, I have four kids, married 25 years. And now, you know, as an adult, I, you know, in my late 40s, I had to go out and learn. So the naked divorce, naked recovery, in addition to learning how to vet men prepared you for, I hope this is the best relationship you ever had, have. I was like. He wants a compliment. You know me all too well. Okay, thank you. So coming back to your question, Rita, online dating actually is the number one place. And what I mean is over 50% of all new relationships is happening online. So as Marie said, casting the net is wide or in my, what I always say, all the spokes in the wheel do, because the reality is this, I know women who stay at home going, why aren't men asking me out? And I'm like, cause they don't know you exist. You have to be either physically in their presence or virtually in their presence to be asked out on a date. That's the reality of life because magic fairy dust isn't going to make Prince Charming show at your doorstep. Maybe the burglar who comes and steals your TV might be a possible candidate, but I doubt it. So Rita, I wouldn't discount online dating, but I hope you take the reason by. You're 35. You've got your young as we age. By the way, it gets a lot harder. It's a lot harder because now it's the same. You see the same people on the dating apps. Sadly though. Yeah. Okay. Good luck to you. Thank you so much. All right, we're going to take one more question before we wrap up. Stacey says, you both are wonderful. Thank you so much. We appreciate it. Here's, let's see. Regent said, would you post pin your rules of engagement folks rules of engagement is what I teach in my private coaching. So if you need help with that right here, Jonathanasley.com forward slash coaching schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with the coach is right for you. All right, I think this might be the last couple of questions for the night. If a guy comes across negative on a dating app, is that an immediate red flag? For me, it would be. So red flag to me is different than a deal breaker. So is that a deal breaker for you? Is that a, now to me, red flag means ask questions. Well, it depends on how much conversation you've had, but no, it's just the profile is negative. I hate liars. I hate cheaters. I hate entitled women. I hate gold diggers. I hate, you know, whatever, you know, I can't stand women's profiles that lead with all their, I don't want, I don't want flakes. I don't want narcissists. I mean, like, and to me, those are the women who attract them all. Guess what? By the way, be grateful for the women who asked for what they don't want. Because guess what? The universe keeps sending them all those people. So ask for what you do want. Again, this is what I teach in my private coaching. I just worked with a client earlier today. She wrote a beautiful illustration of her perfect relationship that went, she said, it was beyond her wildest dreams, our exercise that we did together. And she feels so secure now that the right guy is literally around the corner. So focus on what you do want. If the person says what they don't want or it's negative, I always think of the Ariana Grande song next. Or as Forrest Gump said, or in the movie Run, Forrest Run. All right, here's a question from Debbie. How can a man commit when he's had four failed marriages? So he committed four times. The question is, how can a man have a successful happy healthy relationship? That would be a question. So it's not about commitment. He's made the commitment to marry four times. The real question is, is he an emotional grown-up? Has he met someone who shares his values? Is the person he's with lifestyles matching with one another? But more importantly, Debbie, who gives a fuck what this man does? You should be focused on what, I know you didn't like the F word. You should be focused on what you want. Ladies, stop caring what men want and focus on what you want. Add anything? Well, he's been married four times, four failed marriages. So I just, you know, I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt and until I get to know them and then, you know... Well, I think of the word failed marriage. Well, it... Because there are really just four marriages that ended, exactly. So the first marriage may have been, he was 18. Okay. Yeah, then, you know, you don't know. Was your first marriage a failure? No. Okay. No. It ended because I just couldn't live that way. Okay. So I look at my marriage as not a failure. I mean, I look at my behavior and I wasn't mature enough to be in a significant relationship. I don't think we were a good... In fact, we went to therapy and the therapist said, you didn't seem like a good fit with one another right from the get go. And that was true. So I don't look at that as a failure. I look at it as an ending. And the real question is, can we learn from our past relationships? So in this particular case, first off, again, who cares if, you know, whether he can commit or not. What really matters is, can you commit and choosing a person that can commit? Now, my guess is she asked that question because she's with a man who's been four marriages that ended. Radical honesty, rules of engagement, laying your cards on the table. That would help in this scenario. Okay, it's an hour past. You wanna wrap up? Are you willing to go a little further? Whatever you want. Okay. You're so easy going. Sherry says confused. Should you be a giving... Wait. Wait, should you be a giving narc all of your vulnerable points in the beginning? Heck, takes 90 days to figure out if they're a narc. I think she means a narcissist. Okay, should you be... Okay. You know, I believe clinical narcissist represents less than 5% of the population. First, okay? And I believe it's either clinical narcissist. Now, with that said, I would venture to say 60 to 70% of the population, men and women, okay? Let's be clear. This is men and women are self-centric, means they're focused on their own needs and not necessarily a giver. Okay, so with that said... Narcissistic tendencies though. Well, there are some gaslighting. There are some dismissing of feelings. There's certainly turning things around, self-centric. But you know, all humans have that capacity. I mean, even I've gaslighted you before. Not intentionally, it's just we saw things differently. And we can call that, you know, a lot of times this terminology gets misused, but you said something to say. I think the internet has created a generation of narcissists. Well, very self-centric people. You know, all the posing and the pictures and trying to get attention, everybody wants attention. Yeah. So, you know, men and women. So the question is laying your cards on the table in the first 90 days, you know, you know, here's the tricky part. It's, okay. Listen, men are oftentimes driven by sex. They're love bombing, that sort of thing. Okay, that's a true experience to have out there. You can experience people are narcissistic. What's most important is narcissists typically choose weak people, that they tend to choose weaker people. Okay, they're not, you know, what I mean is, and that's just, that's not Jonathan's words. That's what I've read. They choose to choose, they tend to choose people that don't have enough self-worth, self-esteem, and self-respect, okay? So if you operate from a place of self-respect, self-worth, self-confidence, you'll probably energetically repel narcissists anyway, okay? But our question is, should she, you know, express all her vulnerability to somebody like that? And if she knows it is, no, absolutely not. But if you don't know he's a narcissist yet. So I like what Matthew Hussie says, you invest and then you test. And what that means is you invest a little bit and see how he responds. And then you invest a little more and see how he responds. Now, could you end up with someone who's a sociopath and a narcissist? Yes, that's part of the gamble. But just remember, don't give your power away to a man. If you are in your sovereignty, your self-worth, your self-respect, you will always be able to walk away from somebody who's self-centric with your chin high because you don't give your power away to another person. And what I mean by giving your power away, women, women have a tendency. I'm gonna read this for everyone. Women have a, this was seven ways women give their power away. The relationship is on his terms. You abandon your standards and boundaries, okay? That's giving your power away. You're afraid to speak your truth with him. That's giving your power away. When the relationship ends, all you do is focus on him, him, him instead of yourself. Make a divorce. That's giving your power away. You're waiting for him to initiate contact all the time. That's giving your power away. We took turns initiating contact in the beginning. You stop doing your pre-relationship life, whatever you did before because of him. That's giving your power away. You're feeling like you can't live without him. That's giving your power away. You think the other person is the only person in the universe that will make you happy. That's giving your power away. Listen, you can, listen. Love is a risk. Putting yourself out there is a risk. So I would invest a little and see how he operates. But if he turns out to be a narc in 90 days, you walk away with your head high, knowing that you didn't give your power to this person. Can I please get an amen from people? Well, true narcissists though, you don't know they're narcissists right in the beginning. Yeah. They're gonna love bomb you. They're gonna be perfect. Everything's gonna be great. And then little by little, they start taking your power away. So love bombing is the first clue that they're a narcissist. Folks, when a guy overly expresses love, when he overly expresses appreciation, when he overly expresses being into you, that's a sign that you are being what's called love bombed. And if you don't know what love bombing is, do me a favor, type it into YouTube. There's about 42 million videos to give you some clues. A healthy relationship is built on mutual respect and mutual effort. Of course I complimented you. I still to this day, compliment you every day, but it's not excessive. I'm not, people that are excessive are oftentimes can turn out to be narcissists. Refrigerator. Oh yeah, the guy with the refrigerator. We can talk about that. Yeah, we can talk about it. All right, you know what? Sherry, thank you so much for that question. Oh, this will be the second to the last question. Read it. Question, what sign is Marie? I know you're a Leo off topic. I know I'm a Gemini. It gets a phrenic. You just hit the camera. I know I just hit the camera, sorry. She's a Gemini, I'm a Leo. Does that make us a good, in my last relationship with a Gemini. All my friends, all my friends, my good friends have been Leos. Okay, my kids were Gemini, or are Gemini, I should say. Okay, I must like Gemini's. This will be the last question. It's a personal question for the both of you that is not deep. What have been your favorite places to travel to? Well, I've done a lot more traveling than John and I. Are you ready to talk about what we've done together or separately? So why don't we do both? We'll answer the together and answer separately. What's your favorite place you've been to? Well, I like different places for different reasons, but diving in the Maldives can't beat that, or the Great Barrier Reef, you know that. But together. Well, we've been on nothing but Mexico. We did Cancun, we did the Panama Canal cruise, we did the Mexican Riviera cruise. We're just getting started. We went to Chicago, we went to Vegas. I really like going through the Panama Canal. Yeah. I thought that. And I love going to your home city, Cartagena. Say it right, say it properly. Cartagena. Cartagena. No, Panama Canal, I had never gone through the Panama Canal. So that's the first thing, that's one of the things that we did together. Yeah, that was a great experience. I had never done. But there's still a lot of places to see. We're gonna go to Peru, we're gonna go to the Mediterranean. My favorite place to answer your question, I really liked Paris with my son, but I was with my son. I loved Amsterdam, but again, so it was also the person you're with, I think makes a big difference, not just the place, but who you're with makes, at least for me made a big difference. So after. I've done stuff solo and it's great too. Okay. You know folks, we got so many, oh my God, look at all this. Let's see. Well, this will be the last one. Marie, which cruise line did you use for your solo cruising, if I may ask? I've done Norwegian because they, Norwegian cruise line, and they have like a solo person that kind of connects you with other solo travelers. And now, I haven't done that in a long time. Now they have solo cabins that are inside cabins that, people like them, I just don't like being inside, but a little bit of a- By the way, we are doing Virgin for New Year's Eve in the Caribbean, and I'm really excited because Virgin seems like an amazing cruise line. So- And it's adult only. Adult only. So if you want, if you're tired of kids on cruise ships, check out Virgin. All right. Sia says, Leo and Gemini's go well together. That's good to hear. Oh, let's see. Oh my gosh. You guys must like us. Cool air and fire go good together. Thank you. All right. Weijin says, I had a love bomber. I never knew what a narc was. Let's see. A couple of people say, amen. Folks, we want to thank you so much for joining us today. We both appreciate you. I hope that you got value from this conversation. I just want to remind you that men don't suddenly commit. They commit when they're ready and when they've actually found that partner that they can have a deep connection with through vulnerability, authenticity and transparency. I hope you found value in this video. If you did, please hit that thumbs up button. Please, or hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. If you need some support, check out in the description, in the description of this video. You can click to check schedule a discovery call with me to check out my group, to check out the books or even follow me on Instagram. I post pictures of Marie there. Do you have anything to add before we wrap up? No. I'm having fun with this. Well, I am grateful to have you on. So I'm going to wrap up this video as I always do when my sweetheart is on. And I give you a big, gigantic job at the Marahog. I get one back. Yeah. Thank you all, everyone. Have a wonderful evening. Be well. We'll talk to you soon. Bye-bye. Bye now.