 Leaper Brothers Company, makers of swan, a soap that gives you a wonderful new kind of suds, presents... Swan, with my friend Irma. Starring Marie Wilson as Irma, and Cathy Lewis as Jane. Friendship, friendship, just a perfect landscape, When other friendships have been forgot, Bears will still be hot. You live in a teeming metropolis like New York, For any length of time you tend to become blasé. And you develop the feeling that nothing can confuse a bewilderer. Then you run into someone like my friend Irma. And you're a babe in the woods again. Now don't get me wrong, because I love the girl. It's just that, well, for instance, the other night I noticed Irma putting x-ray pictures in her hope chest. So I said, Irma, why are you putting those x-ray pictures of Al in your hope chest? And Irma said, Because I read that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, and I want to see how I'm doing. Well, that's Irma for you. In fact, she thinks that when a marriage goes on the rocks, it's because the honeymooners went over Niagara Falls in a barrel. Anyway, right now she's holding her for it. Irma, what's the trouble? I have a headache. Yes, in my head. I've had it all week, especially at work. Well, honey, maybe it's your eyes. You probably need glasses. Oh, Jane, don't say that. I could never wear glasses. Al wouldn't like a girl who wore eyeglasses. Well, what do you care about Al just so long as you see better? Jane, what's the sense of being able to see better if you haven't got a fellow to look at? Oh, look, sweetie, your health comes first. I don't see how you can worry about losing a man who hasn't worked for five years. A man who, when he sees a sign, help wanted, interprets it as measles, keep out. Jane, please, don't be so harsh with Al. All men have some weaknesses. Some don't work, some don't dance, some don't swim. So what? Well, suppose Al was out in the ocean drowning. What good would it do me to say, there goes my boyfriend. He can't swim, but he has a job. Besides, jobs are scarce. Oh, sweetie, don't be ridiculous. Jobs aren't scarce. Well, I may be holding down two jobs next week. Two jobs? Well, with Christmas coming on, you know, I can use some extra money, so I put in an application for some part-time work. In fact, I'm expecting a call any minute from Mr. Sloan. Well, that's wonderful, Jane. It's wonderful if I don't have to sit around here worrying about your eyes, honey. Believe me, Irma, I've seen some most attractive women wearing glasses and some handsome men, and they get married, and they live very happily. Well, it may be all right for others, but not for me. I don't want my children born with glasses. Oh, sweetie, I... Hello. Yes, this is Jane Stacey. Oh, hello, Mr. Sloan. What? Of course the extra work won't be a strain on me. I'm in perfect condition. You'll bring the ledgers and the reports over tonight. Fine, thank you, sir. Bye, Mr. Sloan. All right, all right, come on, Irma. I'll take you over to Dr. Davis, the eye doctor. Glasses. Oh, honey, you say you have headaches. I know. I have cold feet, too. That doesn't mean I have to wear snowshoes. Honey, this is different. If you don't get glasses, your headaches will get worse. You'll become dizzy. Oh, what am I saying? Irma, please, will you be reasonable? No, I'm not going to be an old maid. I'd rather she double than remain single. But, Irma, honey... No, I won't go... Don't be stubborn. Maybe then you'll see things differently. It's only me, Professor Kropatkin. Hello, Janey. Hello, Professor. Sit down, won't you? Thank you. I hope you don't mind my stopping by for a few minutes. The bats in my room drove me out. Bats in your room? Yes. Mrs. O'Reilly came up to collect the rent, and in each hand she was swinging a bat. Tell me, Janey, where is my darling little Irma? Oh, she's in the bedroom, Professor. I'm awfully worried about her. Forever. I was afraid someday this would happen. How violent is she? Oh, no, no, it's her eyes, Professor. I think she has to wear glasses. Is that all? She won't even take an examination. Why not? What is she afraid of? There can't be anything seriously wrong. Believe me, if they examined her whole head, they wouldn't find anything. Oh, no, that's not it, Professor. It's her vanity. You see, she's afraid she'll lose Al. That's ridiculous. How could she lose him? I guarantee, if anybody found him, they'd return him. You know, I just can't understand this foolish phobia that Irma has against glasses. Oh, it's a natural thing, Janey. My eyes aren't so good, but I refuse to wear glasses. Why? If I saw my room the way it really looks, I think I'd kill myself. Janey, why don't you try talking to her some more? Oh, I can't, Professor. She's in the bedroom just crying her heart out. Honestly, I'm just worried sick about her. Oh, I hate to see a woman crying. You know, a woman only cries for two reasons. Either she is suffering or she is about to make you suffer. Janey, let me try to talk to her. All right, Professor, I'll call her. Irma? Honey, come on out. The professor's here. He wants to talk with you. Done with my thoughts. May a young girl like that should have such gruesome company. Please come out there, my darling. I'll cheer you up. Nothing will cheer me up. I'm doomed. Doomed. That's ridiculous. Professor, would you please tell her that wearing glasses won't make the least difference? Certainly, Irma. You should consider yourself lucky. A lot of people have to go to work with bifocals. Professor, I don't care how they travel. I'm talking about appearances. Irma, you don't want to get glasses because you love Al and you're afraid you will lose him, right? Right. Honey, I've told you million times, forget Al. There are plenty of fish in the sea. That's all right for Fridays, but what about the rest of the week? Oh, Professor, will you talk to her? Look, girls, I've got an idea that will solve everything. What? You go down to the five and ten. Buy a pair of cheap glasses. You'll wear them and when Al comes in and sees you, he'll tell you how nice you look. You throw the cheap glasses away and get fitted with some good ones. Now, honey, that's practical. What do you say? Oh, all right, Jane, if you'll go with me. Sure, sure, I'll go with you. And Professor, I won't say too low because I'll be right back. I'll just say bon voyage because it's raining. Gee, Jane, don't you just love the five and ten? Everything's so expensive-looking. Now, control yourself, honey. Come on, here's the eyeglass counter. My, what a selection. Can I help you? Yes, I'd like to get some glasses that my boyfriend would like. Well, we have glasses to fit every personality. What does your boyfriend do? You have no business picking on him. Let me handle it, will you, honey? Miss, she wants the glasses for herself. Well, how about these? Do you like them? Well, how do you like them, Jane? How do you like them? That's not a fair question. If I could see what the glasses look like, I wouldn't need glasses to see what they look like. See? Put them on, Irma. Why in the world have you got your eyes closed? I want to see if I can see in the dark. Oh, please, honey, come on. Well, we haven't got all day, you know? All right. Miss, this pair seems fine on me. Here's the money. Thank you. Do you want a bag full of them? No, thank you. I won't be able to see where I'm going. Oh, come on, come on, honey. Look, honey, maybe you better run along home. I want to go to the stationery store and pick up a shorthand book so I can take dictation for Mr. Sloan tonight, okay? All right, Jane, I'll go home. Gee, I'm dying to hear what Al will say when he sees me wearing eyeglasses. Hiya, chicken. Oh. Yeah, the icebox is open. Who got here before me? Something about me. Oh, that. Chicken, your slip is always showing. Peace. Chicken, you're wearing glasses. Yes, Al, how do you like them? How do I like them has nothing to do with it. You're not the type for glasses. What are you trying to do? Make people think you went to Harvard? Oh, but Al, lots of people wear glasses. Well, I know, but that's because they're looking for something. You don't have to look anymore. You already found me. Al, don't you like the way I look? Well, that's not the point, chicken. I want to take a little inventory. Inventory? Well, sure. When a guy goes with a girl, he likes to think she's perfect. Now I find out about the eyes. It makes me a little cautious. Erma. What, Al? I lose your own teeth. Oh, Al, how could you ask a question like that? It's a perfectly natural question. Once a dame starts breaking down, she breaks down all over. Certainly I do, chicken. You're making an observation. To me, you're as pretty as ever. No, I'm breaking down. I can feel it. Chicken, you're just slipping off the couch. Believe me, you're the same sweet Erma I've always loved. You're just saying that I'm a monstrosity. No, baby, you're as beautiful as ever. No, you, Al. Men don't make passes at girls who wear glasses. That poem ain't true. Once a girl's got a build, her sofa will be filled. No, you're just trying to be kind to me, and I won't have it. Please, chicken, I didn't mean it. I love you. Here, I'll prove it to you. I'll kiss you. That's no good, Al. My eyes are so bad. How will I know it's you? Chicken. Anymore than I know it. I don't want to ever, I don't want to ever see you again. Gee, I hope I didn't hurt her. Chicken. Oh, hello, Al. Where's Erma? In the bedroom. Something wrong? Just a typical lover's quarrel. Well, I think I'll be running along. Goodbye. Bye. Erma? Erma Peterson, where are you going with that bag? I'm leaving. Leaving? Yes, Al saw me in my glasses, and though he tried to be kind, I know what he really thinks. Oh, honey, it's only your imagination. Well, I've made up my mind. You'll never see me again. I'm going away forever. Forever? Yes, and when I come back, don't ask me where I've been. And now Susie Swan sings to us. Listen. My advice says Susie. You like this brand, you kind of lather, so be choosy. Swan gives you beauty, lather, riches, cream. Your skin stays soft as any dream, and fresh as dew. I swan to you, says Susie. And ladies, if you make white floating swan soap, your complexion soap, you'll see for yourself that Susie Swan's advice is good advice because swan really does give you a wonderful new kind of beauty lather for your skin. A new kind of lather that's so rich, so creamy, it smooths onto your skin as softly as a caress. A new kind of lather that whisks away dirt, leaves your skin so clean it fairly glows. And swan is so mild, so gentle, that it pampers your skin while it cleanses. And swan rinses away so completely too. Your face doesn't feel drawn and over-soaked when you're through washing it. Instead, it's left smooth and fresh. Another advantage of swan's wonderful new kind of beauty lather. Another reason to get swan soap for a new and wonderful kind of complexion care. It has gone away forever. That means she's gone to the movies to sit through a double feature twice. You see, that's Irma's idea of Siberia. Whenever Irma gets mad at Al, she packs her bag and goes to the movies. Frankly, I'm quite accustomed to Irma's little jaunts, but right now I'm considerably upset. What with Mr. Sloane coming tonight to give me dictation, I don't have too much time to get Irma to an eye doctor. Since she's complained of headaches, I really feel it's my duty. Oh, Janie, I'm so glad you're home. Oh, do you, Mrs. O'Reilly, is anything wrong? Oh, I just came from the movies and I saw Irma. Janie, I've never seen anything so pathetic. There, she sat crying like a baby, crying and eating peanut brittle. Yeah. Did you speak to her? I tried to, but she wouldn't let me. She said her heart was breaking and she was having trouble following the plot. Janie, what's wrong? Oh, it's really nothing too serious, Mrs. O'Reilly. Irma may have to wear glasses and she's afraid she may lose Al. I just can't get her to go to the eye doctor. Well, maybe I can help. How? I'll show her a picture of my husband and tell her the truth. That if I'd taken care of my eyes and could see well, I never would have married anything that looked like that. Bless his insurance and may he rest in peace. No, no, thank you, Mrs. O'Reilly. I'm afraid it'll take something more persuasive than that. Excuse me, come in. Oh, Jane, Mrs. O'Reilly. Oh, I'm glad you're back, Al. I want to have a word with you. What in the world did you tell Irma? You mean when she had the glasses on? Well, I'll admit at first I was thrown, but then I told her it didn't make any difference, but she didn't believe me. Well, you couldn't have been very convincing. What do you mean? I was even going to tell her they made her look intelligent. How far can a guy go? Well, if you really cared for her feelings, you would have been more tactful. Tactful? Look, Jane, I love Irma. Didn't I be breaking my head over getting these big deals every week? Al, I don't want to hear any more about your deals. I still haven't gotten over your last one, pumping up pigeons and selling them for turkeys. Well, I'll admit that wasn't practical, but this one's a natural. Working on a machine gun with a built-in flag and a recording of the star-spangled banner. So when you're holding up a bank, it don't look suspicious because everybody's saluting. Of course, if it's illegal, I'll drop the whole idea. Well, if you're going to do any dropping, drop into that movie and get Irma back. I want to get her to the eye doctor before Mr. Sloan gets here. Leave it to me, Jane. I love that girl. I'll get her out of that movie if I have to pay to get in. Be back. Well, Jane, if you'll excuse me, I'm going up to Professor Kropotkin's room. I want to do a little mopping. Mopping? This isn't Wednesday. I know, but he's behind in his rent, and it's the only way I can get him out from under the bed. See you later. Oh, Richard, I'm so glad you called. You've got to help me. But what's wrong? I want to get Irma to the eye doctor. I think she needs glasses, but she refuses to wear them because she's afraid she'll lose Al. Is that something to be afraid of? Well, Richard, that's beside the point, but what am I going to do? Well, it's very simple, Jane. You know how Irma looks up to you. Why don't you go down and buy a pair of cheap glasses? Then I'll drop by and rave how wonderful you look. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I get it. In other words, if I don't lose you wearing glasses, then Irma will know she won't lose Al. Exactly. Good. Good. I'll go right out and get the glasses. Jane isn't home yet. Chicken, will you forget, Jane? I've been trying to tell you all the way home. You're all wrong feeling that way about glasses. Oh, I don't know, Al. Can prove it to you, chicken. The finest people wear glasses. Now, you take them society people. When they go to the opera, what do they wear? Opera glasses, right? Right. Yeah. Well, at lawn parties? I know. They all wear larnette. Check. And take the man of distinction. They all have glasses, one in their hand and one on the table. No. Chicken, even the most glamorous movie stars wear glasses. Name one. It's Harold Lloyd. I'm glad to see you back home again. Have you unpacked? Yes, I didn't like the picture. Oh, Jane, look at you. What's the matter? You're wearing glasses. Oh, yeah, yeah. While I was out making an appointment for you with Dr. Davis, he examined my eyes and prescribed glasses. Oh, I see. Jane, where are you winking your eye, Al? Oh, was I winking? Oh, that must be the one with the drops in it. But, Al, why did you wink back at her? Merely returning the courtesy. Jane, you're not afraid of Richard giving you the air on account of glasses, are you? Not me. Love me. Love my glasses. I think a girl's health comes before everything else. You're right, Jane. Well, it takes sleep and beauty. Dame was a piff, but they couldn't wake her up for 60 years, so what good was she? You understand, Armour? Yes, but Richard hasn't seen Jane yet. Well, I don't think it'll be long. Come in, Richard. Hello, everybody. Why, Jane, you look positively radiant. I've never seen you so ravishing. What have you done? Can't you see? I'm wearing glasses. Glasses? Darling. He still loves her. Didn't I tell you, honey? The proof of the pudding is in the eatin'. Well, I'm not hungry. But I think it's wonderful. Richard, I'm glad you like me in glasses. Like you? Jane, I have to leave now, but please don't move for a moment. I want to remember you just as you look now. Goodbye. Yeah, I think Richard needs glasses too. He walked into the closet. I'm sorry. I guess I was carried away by Jane. I got the wrong door. Goodbye. Well, now, Armour, you see, I've got glasses on. I didn't care what Richard thought. Jane, are you sure you're not playing a trick on me? Do you really need glasses? Why, of course I do. Sure. My eyes are bad. Come in. Good evening, Miss Stacy. Oh, hello, Mr. Sloan. Oh, Mr. Sloan, this is my roommate, Irma Peterson, and her boyfriend, Al. Happy to know you both. I hope you don't mind my coming in a little early, Miss Stacy. You see, there's so much work to be done, and say, I didn't know you wore glasses, Miss Stacy. Oh, oh, these? Oh, well, I really don't. She just got to Mr. Sloan. Her eyes are very bad. Bad eyes? Well, this may make a difference. Oh, it's really nothing. You see, I'm just... I'm sorry, Miss Stacy, but if your eyes are tired... Really, they're not tired. Oh, no. Mr. Sloan, the only reason they're open is because they're yawning. Jane, why don't you phone Mr. Sloan later on? Yes, yes, thanks, Al. I'd like to discuss this further. No need for discussion. If your eyes are bad, there's no use making them worse for just a few extra dollars. Maybe next year. Goodbye. Why are you biting your lips? Because I'm eating my heart out the hard way. Your eyes are those tears, or are they watering? Watering. They've just gone down for the third time. Well, your glasses will take care of them. Yes, they already did, but good. Jane, I'm convinced that if eyeglasses are good enough for you, they're good enough for me. We'll go to the eye doctors as soon as I wash my face. Oh, no, no, no. Take it easy, Jane. It's just one of them tough breaks. He had a walk-in just when I was putting on an act for Irma. Now, what am I going to do for that extra Christmas money? Things will turn out, Jane. Besides, you already have a good job. What do you want to for? Work is bad enough, but why make a hobby of it? Gee, I counted on it so well. Well, I guess Irma comes first. If we can get her to the eye doctor by hook or by crook, I guess it was worth it. Well, I'm ready. Come on, Jigan. No, Alice, as much as I love you. You better take Jane's arm. She's wearing glasses and she may trip. If I do, it'll be over my own dead body. Come on, let's go. Come in. Dr. Davis, this is my roommate, Irma Peterson. How do you do? Well, all right, I guess I have a pretty good job. How do you do? I beg your pardon? Dr. Davis, I would like to have her examined. But I'm an eye doctor. What she needs... And never mind. Just please examine her eyes, will you, doctor? I'll wait outside in the reception room with Al. All right, Ms. Peterson, right behind this creak. That's it. Now, sit up on this chair. Fine. Shall I open my mouth and say, ah? That's not necessary. Well, I thought you might want to see how the back of my eyes look. Ms. Peterson, if you'll just kindly cover your right eye and read the first and second rows from the charts in front of you. First and second row? Exulpt. Unifrist. Gosh, doctor, where'd you learn how to spell? Bless my dilated cornea. Ms. Peterson, those are not words. Now, please read the letters in the third and fourth rows. All right. E-M-R-E-O. APO, you've got it all mixed up. It's O-P-A. Don't worry about it. It's been repealed. Your sign is out of date. And much obliged. Next line, please. Q-L-T. Next line. R-X-G. Thank you. Made in Rochester by a hot-made screen cover. You can read that? Certainly. Ms. Peterson, I've got news for you. If your eyes were any better, they'd be headlights. Thank you. Thank you. Goodbye, doctor. Good day. Oh, honey, how'd you come out? Gee, Jane, the doctor says my eyes are perfect. Perfect. But you say you've had headaches all week at work. That's right. Oh, Irma, this is just driving me crazy. I've lost that extra job on account of you. I just...what could it be? Well, I don't know, Jane, unless it's because I haven't been eating all week. Well, of course, you know that can cause headaches. Why didn't you tell me in the first place and why haven't you been eating all week? Al has been buying my lunch. Tonight, Irma was playing some records and I was just relaxing when suddenly I noticed that Irma was holding a cake of swan soap in front of the phonograph. Irma, I said, why on earth are you playing those Frank Sinatra records to that bar of swan? And Irma said, Jane, you know what Sinatra singing does to the girls? Well, I've never seen a swan swoon before. Well, no matter what she says, Irma certainly knows the soap for her complexion. White floating swan soap. Because swan gives a wonderful new kind of lather, a new kind of lather that's perfect for your skin. Yes, it's perfect because it's so rich and creamy. It cleanses your skin to a glowing radiance. And it's perfect the way it feels against your face, soft as a cloud. And gentle, because swan is mild as fine cast heels. Swan's new kind of beauty lather is perfect too in the way it rinses away. So thoroughly, your skin is left fresh and smooth, not all tight and over-soaked. And ladies, no other soap can give you this wonderful new kind of beauty lather because no other soap has swan's exclusive super cream blend. So how about making swan your facial soap? You'll find that swan's new kind of beauty lather will give you a new and wonderful kind of complexion care. Well, I did some fast talking and I got that extra job back with Mr. Sloan. Irma? Well, she's buying her own lunches again. She's perfectly healthy. She still can't understand why I no longer wear glasses. So I said, oh, well, you see, Irma, I've been doing eye exercises. And you know, when you exercise, you get stronger. And Irma said, well, Jane, I've been thinking for years and it hasn't made any difference. And you know, you'll find out that's the truth if you ever talk to my friend Irma. My friend Irma presented by swan, another fine product of Lever Brothers Company was produced and directed by Cy Howard. Tonight's script was written by Cy Howard and Park Levy. Folks, next Monday evening, tune in an hour earlier over most of these same stations for the Lux Radio Theatre. And then stay tuned to listen to... Swan with my friend Irma. Starring Mary Wilson as Irma and Kathy Lewis as Jane. Hans Conreed was Professor Kropotkin. Mary Wilson can soon be seen in the Eagle Lion release. Linda Begur, Frank Bingman speaking. Better finer textured cake. Sprite means easy sure success with every cake you bake. Sprite with Cake Improver. It's SPRY, Sprite. And it's one bold method for the most delicious cakes ever. For no other type shortening has Sprite's marvelous Cake Improver. Try Sprite. Tune in again to my friend Irma next Monday evening at this same time. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.