 Rashida says, how do you get a second round out of him? Not to toot my own horn or anything, but... This is interesting because I did a sex talk with someone recently who talked about learning how to ejaculate up their spine, which is, in essence, shooting a blank. Also, sex toys. Sex toys never get flaccid, you know, which is why people who have sex with somebody who's of the same sex and use toys as a regular practice achieve orgasm at a much higher rate because they're not so focused on the body parts that are there, but instead, on the goals that people with those bodies have in mind. Hey there, lovers and friends. In today's video, I'm going to go on YouTube live and answer your sex, love relationship and attachment questions in 30 seconds or less. Wish me luck. Let's go. Actually, first, a word from our sponsor, and then let's go. Life is unscripted. Sometimes it's amazing because there's joy in the unexpected. And other times, it's nice to have the power to be able to change the channel for yourself. But I know it's me, something in New York long before my sister called. And that is why I am all about the Audible life because a lesson, a laugh, a vibe, or a sweet escape is legit just a tap away. And right now, I am tapping into my girl, Ashley C. Ford's best-selling, Oprah-endorse audiobook called Somebody's Daughter. Audible is the leading provider of spoken word entertainment all in one place. At Audible, you can find the largest selection of audiobooks plus original entertainment from top tier celebrity creators and thousands of popular and binge worthy podcasts. As an Audible member, you will get one credit every month good for any title in their entire premium selection. Oh, and you keep these titles forever in your Audible library, regardless of if you decide to cancel or not. You will also get full access to their popular plus catalog. Basically, it's more audio than you could ever listen to, even if you never. And I mean, never stop doing laundry. Go to audible.com slash shambudy or text the code shambudy to the number 500 500. One more again, that's audible.com slash shambudy. Or if you prefer, you can also text the code word shambudy to the number 500 500 to get your 30 day free trial started right now, or whenever right now is for you. You can start anytime, 30 days for free. The clock starts now. But again, now means whenever you click it, not like when I'm saying it. I'm wearing brown underwear in case anyone thinks I flashed you. My underwear is the color of my flesh. So you did not see anything unless you did, then you're welcome. All right, Goldie wants to know, is it always a red flag when someone you're interested in is still friends and in contact with certain exes? I can't help but feel bothered by this. Is it my problem? I don't think that we have to carry the burden of jealousy alone. I feel like a lot of times we're like, is it my problem to deal with this? If you are partnering with somebody and in relation to somebody, things that pertain to your relationship are both of your business. So they should be equally as invested in finding ways to help you feel more secure. And they should be equally as curious as to why this is bringing up insecurities for you. So I would say, don't be afraid to lean into your partner. You don't have to do it in an argumentative way. Even starting statements with I feel, I feel this, not you're doing this or you did that, not accusing statements, but coming down, tearing down your walls, being vulnerable, and asking if you can work at this cooperatively together. Because there's no magically you're not going to feel that way anymore. Even if they stop talking to their ex, you know, if this is an issue for you, if they make a new friend, you're still going to find those same feelings bubbling up. So the quick fixes aren't going to be what you need. It has to be a system and a plan that two of you create, stick to, and hold each other accountable to together. And if they're committed to the relationship and the growth of it, the same way that you are, they should be delighted to be a part of that process. How do you suggest finding a partner as a woman who doesn't like penal penetration? Call me to call me response. If you are a partner, if you are a woman who has sex with men and you don't prefer penal penetration, finding somebody who's a premature ejaculator, who gets off very quickly, might solve your problems. They're also in my experience, a lot of people with penises who don't prefer penetration for sex and enjoy hand or enjoy mouth instead. So there are definitely partners who would be your perfect compatible fit. But yeah, definitely people who aren't going to have extremely long sessions. You can find that the two of you work beautifully together and sexual as a poly person is it self sabotage to stay with your partner in hopes that they'll open the relationship when they won't at the moment. I'm not particularly sure if it is self sabotage, but I do think that you are limiting your potential for your highest connection and possibly the other persons. I think if we look at our commitment styles as just as important as our sexual orientation, we can prioritize them more and put ourselves in position to love as fully and expressively as we want. And don't get me wrong, I am somebody who exists on the poly spectrum where I could be with somebody who's polyamorous. I could also be with somebody who's monogamous. It's not a core fundamental part of how I relate. But if it's a very big important part to you, then you deserve to prioritize that and that person deserves to be with somebody who prioritizes their commitment style too. Okay, better. So Rose wants to know if you struggle with self esteem, would it be wiser to enter a relationship to work on yourself before entering? There is no official way to love and be loved. Like there's no official way to have sex or to sexually relate to other people. It genuinely is what's best for you. Now I'd say as a rule of thumb, it's easier to teach other people how to love you if you currently know what is lovable about yourself and how to love yourself. That's the path of least resistance. But it's also an opportunity that somebody else can highlight for you what is lovable about you in ways that you could not have discovered on your own. So it's through partnership that you actually are able to boost your self esteem. But then you have what's called as relationship contingent self esteem. And I encourage you to look that up because that's something to be aware of. Should you always leave someone who cheated on you? If you have the capacity and the support system to manage a massive breach of trust like being cheated on, it is very possible to have a healthy and in some cases, healthier relationship after the indiscretion. If you don't already have or invest in therapeutic services or don't have a great network of support that can really help you to navigate rebuilding trust and healing from that trauma, it can be really, really challenging. So absolutely, you don't have to always leave that person. But there's a lot more that you should consider than just your feelings for the person who cheated on you when you're deciding if you should stay or not. What are some ways to regularly strengthen a relationship that is currently going strong? Top three tips to strengthen a relationship that's currently going strong. Number one, do new shit together. Number two, do new shit together in front of different people. So you have an opportunity to see your partner and how others are receiving them, which will give you that rush all over again. Number three, do new shit by yourself. Learn more, expand yourself, have something to bring back to the relationship. So do new shit together, do new shit together in front of other people and do your own new shit to make yourself as expansive as possible. Self expansion theory is what you should look up to learn more about that. Okay, raps wants to know any tips on how to navigate reducing sex drive when you're in a long term relationship. So when it comes to finding a middle ground, when it comes to sex drives, number one, this is the most apparent question that I saw all throughout the pandemic because it was more noticeable now than ever. Number two, I think people mistakenly assume that compromise has to mean a diluted version of each person's desires. So I want this, you want this, and we'll meet in the middle here. That way no one's not getting nothing, but no one's getting everything. But instead, if you have two, two heads are better than one, right? Two minds are greater than one. So two people's ideals of what is best for them brought together and then workshops together, you can actually come up with something here. So it's not here, it's right actually here. So it's equally as powerful and equally as well fitting for each person. But as individuals, you may not have thought of it alone. So that to be said, before you think about ways to reduce your sex drive in order for you and your partner to exist more harmoniously, can you have an expansive conversation that's like, what do you like? What's your ideal sex life? What turns you on? What gets you motivated? What clears your head? What distresses you? And you can both take stock of what those two realities are and then come up with a plan together that both adequately fits your needs. And try doing that before you try reducing what it sounds like is a healthy part of your life. Unless you don't enjoy your sex drive and you feel it's interfering with your happiness and your goals and it's troubling you in such a case, then there are therapeutic mediums. You can look into sex addiction. You can look into ways that you can manage sex drive that you might think is misdirected. And if that feels more true for you, do that. But if you instead, you feel really proud of your sex drive and it's a great part of your life, you just want to exist more harmoniously with your partner. I do think that there's a way to get to here rather than trying to get yourself to here. That make sense? Pretty run hex. What should I do if the age gap in my relationship is causing me to lose out on the sexual experience I'd like because he didn't like them in his past, 34 and 22. Whenever we have incompatibilities with our partners, one that could just be a matter of people's taste and comfort, but two, sometimes it can be indicative of an education gap. So even though your partner is the older person, they obviously have a negative reference point with something that you associate as positive. And your positive reference point probably comes from watching videos, hearing of experiences, things that you have seen. So maybe try to find some educational resources or even porn or videos that you can show them that are going to explain why this is desire for yours and how it can actually be additive and positive for your relationship. So don't assume that just because they've been through it, that they already been there, done that, know that. Really treat it like you are the experienced one and you are the educator in this sense and really show them a different side. And if they really dig their heels in the ground and that's a boundary for them, well, then that's obviously a thing for your relationship that you may have to consider about what's most important to you going forward. And at 22, what should be important to you, in my personal opinion, is self-expression. But I don't know where you live or what your religious beliefs are. Maybe for you, partnership is more important, but at 22, I wish I prioritized self-expression. But before I got to that point of light that forked in the road, I would give my partner the benefit of the doubt of seeing if there was a gap I could fill in for them. So Jules Stash wants to know, dealing with vaginismus, question mark. I don't have a response for this because there are experts who are far more knowledgeable about this topic than me, but what I do want to say is affirming you in how often the term vaginismus comes up and the work that I do. So I want to wish you a vaginismus and wish you a vaginismus and a happy new year. Take off the shame and the guilt. Let's normalize it, which is why I put it into a song form. And I think we start talking about vaginismus equally as much as we talk about erectile dysfunction. It's a sexual dysfunction that many people with vulvas go through and there needs to be less confusion and shame around it. And if you are watching this video and you don't know what vaginismus is, I will link some stuff below, but ultimately let's talk about it more often. And thank you for sharing that question. I'm going on 30 and have only been with two people sexually and I married my second partner who I absolutely love, but I want to experience new sexual partners. I think what's really important is to affirm to your partner, and it sounds like this is your truth, that your desire to experience more is a result of the great love that they've given you and the confidence to get to know and love yourself more, not the fact that you love this person less. Oftentimes when relationships we bring up new kinks, our partner can feel like, why is this something new because I'm not doing enough? And it's the opposite. It's because you have given so much and you've given me a platform to really explore myself and I've identified this is something that I know would make me even more closer to my ultimate potential. And then once you've done that, I think outline small ways in which being with a new partner. Let's get that one. You gotta go along with this one. Identify some small manageable ways in which this can look like in real life. Maybe it isn't going to Cancun and having a threesome with two resort workers right away. Maybe it's something simple, like opening up your DMs to be a bit more flirtatious or going to strip clubs. So like the things that you can do that are within your partner's comfort where you can constantly check in together and see how each small step feels. It's the tiny micro steps that we take that make it so that shift feels like an inevitable evolution. And if you don't feel that way, it means you haven't identified what those small tiny steps are to get you to that space. And maybe you might find through those tall tiny steps that you actually walk in a whole different, more beautiful direction. Dark Lord 655. Recently found out that no matter what, when I'm around someone I like, I get excited. Any tips to combat this? Sometimes I just want to chill, but my excitement can be embarrassing. Dark Lord, is there not compression underwear at this point which allows you to not be succumbed to your erection? And if there isn't, can we invent this? Because this is an issue that many people face and everybody going through puberty has to go through the embarrassment of. You know, sort of similar for people who evolved us when we got our periods. There's this embarrassment around them that show up. But then we got things underwear, which is the period underwear which prevents that from happening. So there should be something similar. So Bella says, I'm interested in the topic of moving past trust barriers in a broken relationship. So in terms of moving past trust barriers in a broken relationship, my best advice to you would be to take one small step at a time. Focus less on the big goal of getting to a space where you can completely have the trust you used to have before that breach happened and more about tiny increments. Can I trust you to water my plants if I ask you? Can I trust you to call me back when you said? And making those small steps and not being uncomfortable with pausing. Saying, I don't want to give you any more responsibilities. Let's just keep it here for a month until I feel safe to move forward to you again. So instead of rapidly trying to advance this big goal, tiny, tiny steps. Do you think we should date multiple people at a time versus emotionally committing to one person without them asking for commitment in order to not waste time on the wrong person for years? Let me say from a personal philosophy standpoint, I always think it's in your best interest to date multiple people until your commitment style calls for you to do otherwise. Even if you're not going to be sexually active with all or any of them, or if you compartmentalize what different relationships look like, but I think that because we're pair bonding mammals who are looking for our penguin, if you only have one person, even if you don't see that person in the long run, your brain will start to reconfigure to make them that long run person. I think it's in your best interest to remain calm, cool, the most relaxed version of yourself. I think it's also in your best interest so you can analyze that person from a real objective standpoint. I think that other people benefit too when you're dating multiple partners because you're less angsty and stressed out and if you tend to have bouts of anxious attachment, you're less likely to have episodes when you've got other outlets for intimate connections. So I feel that when my dating life was the absolute best, it's when I had multiple people that I was connecting with on that level. Again, not everybody was on equal playing field, but I just had various people I was getting to know at one time and ultimately I think that helped me choose the right partner for myself. And two, it allowed me to show up as the best person, version of myself for the person under being my right partner. All right, my battery just died. That's the end. Thank you for sticking around and watching this video. Huge shout out to everybody who came to the live. As you can see, I never achieved 30 seconds or less school, but if at first you don't succeed, try, try, try again. And furthermore, it's a short amount of time to answer really important questions, which is why I really need your help right now. If any of the questions I touched upon in this video, you felt there was gaps of information or things that you want to share or insight, please use the comment section for that. And I will continue the education down below. And speaking of down below, please stop off on the info box and click the link to get your 30-day free trial with Audible, which gives you a forever commitment-free, no money down audiobook you can keep for the rest of your life, plus access to Audible Plus's library. It's a massive deal that I don't know why you haven't taken up yet, if you haven't taken it up yet, but check it out, because I've been with Audible for five years now, and it started off with a click, and maybe today is the day that your click clicks. Go to audible.com slash shambudy, or you can text the word shambudy to the number 500-500. That's audible.com slash shambudy. Again, that link is in the info box, or if you're on your phone, it's easier to text. Text the word shambudy to 500-500, which will bring you to the link to get your free trial started today. Don't delay. Hanei. Bebei. Okay, let's slay every day. You knew I was done. I'm surprised I went that long.