 Introduction of Neil's Climbs Journey Under the Ground. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Alan Winterout. Neil's Climbs Journey Under the Ground. Being a narrative of his wonderful descent to the subterranean land, together with an account of the sensible animals and trees including the planet Nazar and the firmament by Lewis Holberg. Translated from the Danish by John Gierlau with a sketch of the author's life. Introduction. Lewis Holberg, the author of the narrative of Neil's Climbs, was the most imminent writer among the Danes in the 18th century. His works show a surprising versatility of genius, comprising histories and treatises on jurisprudence, together with satires and comedies. He was by birth in Norwegian, but was educated at the University at Copenhagen in Denmark. Soon after receiving a theological degree from that institution, he visited Holland and England and resided about two years at Oxford. Shortly after his return, he published an Introduction to European History and an Appendix to the Universal History, in which he gives an account of contemporaneous affairs in the principal governments of the world. His historical labors were interrupted by a royal appointment to a professorship in the University. This office he enjoyed for five years and then went abroad. In his autobiography, he has given an interesting account of his travels, both at this time and subsequently, and has described men and manners in a way highly entertaining and generally just. He visited most of the cities of southern Europe, abiding some time in each. He was well received by men of letters and made many valuable acquaintance wherever he went. After remaining one whole winter at Rome and accomplishing the object of his mission, he returned to Copenhagen. His income was now small, and for two years he was oppressed with great pecuniary difficulties. It was during this period that he published in the Danish language his Introduction to the Law of Nature and of Nations. In this treatise, Holberg aimed rather to apply the principles of natural law to the laws and constitutions of Norway and Denmark, then elaborately to discuss the principles themselves. The work was coldly received at its first appearance, but after ten or twelve years began to excite public attention and pass through several editions. At length, the professorship of metaphysics becoming vacant, he received the appointment. The emoluments of this office, though small, supplied his necessities, and not long after, on obtaining a more lucrative station in the university, he was relieved from his embarrassments. Hitherto, he had devoted himself almost exclusively to jurisprudence, history, and languages, and had never tried his hand at poetical composition. Indeed, he had ever felt a strange aversion to the study of poetry, and although he had read the Latin poets and composed Latin poems, it was more for the sake of proficiency in the language than for pleasure, or in his own words, as a sick man swallows bitter drafts, not because they are grateful to the palate, but because they are recommended by the physicians. He now, however, seemed inspired by a new ambition and set himself to imitate one of Juvenal's satires. Encouraged by his unexpected facility, he projected and composed an original poem. Its success, when published, surpassed that of any work previously written in the Danish language. Juditious critics heartily commended it, and some even looked upon it as introducing a new era in the national literature. It was also published in Sweden and Germany and raised the author's reputation abroad. He next published five more satires, prefixing to each a short preface, unfolding the writer's design. His poetical productions were a source of more honor than gain, and becoming weary of almost profitless pursuits, he abandoned poetry and devoted himself to his former studies. Nevertheless, the solicitations of friends prevailed upon him to turn his attention to dramatic composition. Here he was equally successful. His comedies were received with great applause and still hold possession of the stage. Like his satires, they were intended to expose fashionable vice and folly. They are 25 in number. The names of several will give some notion of their general character, the babbling barber, always busy and doing nothing, the treacherous stepfather, the political tin man. Being impaired by uninterrupted literary labor, he determined to seek relief from the baz at Ola Chapelle. He did not derive from them the benefit he anticipated, but after spending the winter in Paris, returned home with renewed health and spirits. His next publication was a satirical poem entitled Metamorphosis, in which brutes and trees are transformed into men. This was the last of his poetical efforts. For several years, he had been engaged in preparing a general ecclesiastical history from the origin of Christianity to the Reformation of Luther, which he now published. This production, the author affirms, was written with perfect impartiality. He sometimes censures the fathers, praised heretics when they deserved it, and occasionally even commended the popes. It was extremely popular, though all were not pleased with its liberal spirit. A comparative biography of Asiatic and Indian heroes after Plutarch's style, a short historical account of his native town, the narrative of Niels Klim, his autobiography, and a history of the Jewish nation digested from the works of Josephus, Pridot, and Baznaj closed a list of his works. The Journey to the World Underground, or narrative of Niels Klim, have been written for a long time, but he had refrained from printing it from an unwillingness to provoke enmity. But the importunity of friends and the generous offer of a bookseller finally prevailed, and he put it into the printer's hands. The following account of this performance is a bridge from his autobiography. There are many persons of both sexes in my country who believe in fairies and supernatural beings, and who are ready to swear and have been conveyed by spirits to hills and mountain caves. This superstition is ridiculed in Klim, the hero of the tale. He is supposed to be transported to the world underground, where he meets with some surprising adventures. Many strange creatures inhabit this new world. Trees, for instance, are introduced, endowed with speech, and musical instruments discuss questions of philosophy and finance. Amongst the characters, those geniuses who perceive a glance but penetrate nothing are conspicuous. People of quick perception whom we used to admire are despised by the Patuans, who look upon them as idle loungers that, though always moving, make no progress. Prudent men on the contrary who measure their own strength and advance cautiously are greatly esteemed by that nation, though with us they pass for fools or cowards. The Patuans are examples of both these extremes. By the former, Klim was considered a blockhead on account of the quickness of his perceptions. By the latter, he was equally despised for the slowness of his apprehension. To Klim, who measures virtues and vices by the ordinary standard, everything is a paradox. But what he at first condemns, he admires and extols after deliberation, so that the object of the whole work is to correct the popular errors and to distinguish the semblance of virtue and vice from the reality. Its subordinate design is to expose the monstrous fictions which some authors obtrude upon us in their descriptions of remote countries. The narrative of Niels Klim, though written so many years ago, contains many satirical hits exceedingly applicable to the present time, thus showing that what appears to one age to be a whim altogether new may be in fact only some old notion newly promulgated. Greater liberties were allowed at that period in literature that would now be permitted. Holberg's humorous productions are not wholly free from a fault whose existence the taste of any age may explain, but does not excuse. After living in competency for many years in Copenhagen, he was in 1747 created a baron by the king of Denmark. He died in 1754. Apologetic preface Peter Klim and Andreas Klim, the sons of Thomas Klim, and grandsons of Klim the Great to the kind reader. Since it has come to our ears that some persons have doubted the truth of this story, and that consequently the publisher of the subterranean voyage has gotten here and there a bad reputation, we have to prevent all false accusations that are inadvisable to prefix to this new addition certificates from men whose honesty and sincerity are raised above all distrust and whose evidence will secure the publisher against all opposition. The first two of these witnesses we know to have been contemporary with our hero. The rest flourished at a period immediately subsequent, and all are generally known as people venerable in virtue and honesty whose cool and sound judgments really preclude the blandishments of controlery, while their noble kinder and undeviating uprightness forbid the sanction of their names to whatever is, in its nature deceitful or fictitious. With a testimony of such respectable persons we shall bind the tongues of all false, prejudiced, and sneering critics, and before these signatures oblige them to acknowledge their folly and take back their heedless accusations. This certificate sent to my brother and myself reads thus At the desire of the estimable and much respected young men Peter Clem and Andreas Clem we the undersigned do certify that among the books and papers left by the celebrated Niels Clem we have seen a manuscript with a title Subterranean Voyage. To the same voyage were added a Subterranean grammar and dictionary in two languages, namely Danish and Chromitic. By comparing the celebrated Abolens Latin translation with this old manuscript, we find that the former does not in the least point deviate from the hand text. To its further confirmation we have hereby placed our seals. Adrian Peterson, MPP Jens Thorlaxen, MPP Sven Klach, MPP Jochen Brander, MPP Jens Gad, MPP Jens Gad for self and brother, MPP Hieronymus Gibbs Scotch MPP We hope by such distinguished and authentic testimony to remove all doubt but should there be found any stubborn enough to persist in their suspicions in spite of these certificates we will anticipate their objections and endeavor to subdue their incredulity with other weapons. It is a known fact that in a section of Norway called Finmark exists people who have advanced so far in the study and practice of natural witchcraft a science into which other nations have scarcely looked that they can excite and subdue storms, transform themselves to wolves, speak several and in our world entirely unknown languages and travel from the north to the south pole in less time than one hour. One of these fins, by name Pavis, came lately to Bergen and exhibited so many strange proofs of his art and science that all present deemed him worthy of a doctor's hat. At the same time a fierce critic came out with a review of the subterranean travels which he assumptively tagged the long list of old women's stories. The honor of the Clems being thus impugned and his own by implication Pavis, through our influence obtained permission to collect materials and prepare himself for a voyage underground. He commenced by publishing a card wherein he exalted his abilities in the following expressions. What will you say? From northern ice to southern land from eastern isles to western sand spirits of earth, spirits of air spirits foul and spirits fair my power obey. I break the rainbow's arched line that herald of approaching calm thunder I send by cold moonshine minus the bane and mine the balm my back up whirls the hurricane the sun and moon and stars in vain their wanted course would keep honey from out the rock doth weep when I command my potent wand stretched on the mighty northern wave or seas that further India lave subdues their mountain billows horse to inland brooklets murmuring course what is on earth what is in sea in fire from pavis free everybody shuttered from fear at hearing those incredible assumptions the fin immediately prepared himself for the voyage undressed and strange sight suddenly transformed to an eagle raised himself into the air and soon vanished after a full month absence our wonderful doctor early on a morning reappeared entirely exhausted his forehead streaming with sweat when sufficiently recovered from his fatigue he commenced a description of his adventures on his air passage and in the subterranean lands he told us that on his arrival below war was raging between the established government and the opposition in which the party of Clem got the ascendancy and reinstated the son of our Niels on the throne our kinsmen had for a long time born the scepter under the administration of his mother but now old and glorified for many great feats reigned alone over the whole subterranean world with the name of Niels the second now shame to yourselves ye incredulous mortals and learn hereafter in important matters to proceed with more caution be ashamed ye scoffers and ask pardon for your unfounded accusations your atrocious sneers stand abashed finally ye hypercritics and know the learned world shall no longer suffer from your audacious and unreasonable judgments then silence your stunted progeny at their birth or if you will yourselves end of introduction recording by Alan winteroud boomcoach dot blogspot dot com chapter one of Niels Clem's journey under the ground this Libervox recording is in the public domain recording by Alan winter out Niels Clem's journey under the ground by Baron Ludwig Holberg translated by John Geerlau chapter one the author's descent to the abyss in the year 1664 after graduating at the academy of Copenhagen in theology and philosophy I prepared to return to my fatherland and took passage in a ship bound for the city of Bergen in Norway I have been furnished with brilliant testimonials from both faculties and wanted only money a fate common to Norwegian students who generally return home with empty purses from the temple of the muses we had a good wind and in three days arrived at my native town Bergen I occupied myself now in expanding my knowledge of natural philosophy and for practice geologically examining the neighboring mountains on the top of the most interesting of these mountains interesting I mean to a student was a remarkable cave which the inhabitants of the town called Florian from its mouth a mild and not unpleasant air issues at certain periods as though the cave inhaled the breeze and gently sighed forth again the learned in Bergen especially the celebrated Avalyn and Edward had long to examine it but these latter from their great age being performed so arduous a feat used every occasion to induce the young and adventurous to attempt the exploration instigated and it was a foolish and I might say a wicked resolution instigated I say not less by the encouragement of these great men than by my own inclination I determined to descend into the cave the longer I thought of the matter the firmer I became I prepared everything needful for the expedition and on a Thursday at the morning twilight departed from the city I started thus early because I desired to finish my labors before dark and make a report the same evening how little did I then dream that like another faton I should be driven headlong through the air and precipitated to another globe there to ramble for the space of ten years before I should see my friends in native land again the expedition took place in the year 1665 accompanied by four men to carry the necessary implements and assist in letting me down I ascended the mountain arrived at the top near the fatal cave we sat down to breakfast now for the first time my heart began to faint as though it foreboded my coming misfortune but in a moment my half extinguished courage blazed again I fixed a rope around my body stood on the edge of the cave and commended my soul to God ordering the men to veer the rope steadily and to hold when I cried out I took a boat hook in my right hand and glided into the abyss aided by the pole I was unable to keep clear of the jutting points of rock that would have impeded my progress as well as have wounded me I was somewhat anxious about the rope for it rubbed hard against the rocks at the top and in fact I had scarcely descended twenty to thirty feet when it gave way and I tumbled with strange quickness down the abyss armed like Pluto with a boat hook however in place of a scepter enveloped by thick darkness I had been falling about a quarter of an hour when I observed a faint light and soon after a clear and bright shining heaven I thought in my agitation that some countercurrent of air had blown me back to earth the sun, moon and stars appeared so much smaller here than to people on the surface that I was at a loss with regard to my whereabout I concluded that I must have died and that my spirit was now about to be carried to the blessed dwellings I immediately conceived the folly of this conclusion however when I found myself armed with a boat hook and dragging behind me a long strip of rope well knowing that neither of these were needful to land me in paradise and that the celestial citizens would scarcely approve of these accessories with which I appeared in the manner of the giants of old likely to attack heaven and eject the gods from there finally a new light glimmered in my brain I must have got into the subterranean firmament this conclusion decided the opinion of those who insist that the earth is hollow and that within its shell there is another lesser world with corresponding suns, planets, stars etc to be well grounded the result proved that I guessed right the rapidity of my descent continually augmented for a long time now began to decrease gradually I was approaching a planet which I had from the first seen directly before me by degrees it grew larger and larger when penetrating the thick atmosphere which surrounded it I plainly saw seas, mountains and dales on its surface as the bold bird between the billows top and mountain summits sweeps around the muscle clothes rock with light wings sports on the foam my body hovered I found now that I did not hang in the atmosphere buoyed up by the strong current of which I have spoken but that the perpendicular line of my descent was changed to a circle I will not deny that my hair rose upon my head in fear I knew not but that I might be metamorphosed to a planet or to a satellite to be turned around in an eternal whirl yet my courage returned as I became somewhat accustomed to the motion the wind was gentle and refreshing I was but little hungry or thirsty but recollecting there was a small cake in my pocket I took it out and tasted it the first mouthful however was disagreeable and I threw it from me the cake not only remained in the air but to my great astonishment began to circle about me I obtained at this time a knowledge of the true law of motion which is that all bodies when well balanced must move in a circle I remained in the orbit in which I was at first thrown three days as I continually moved about the planet nearest to me I could easily distinguish between night and day for I could see the subterranean sun ascend and descend the night however did not bring with it darkness as it does with us I observed that on the descent of the sun the whole heavens became illuminated with a peculiar and very bright light this I ascribed to the reflection of the sun from the internal arch of the earth but just as I began to fancy myself in the near presence of the immortal gods about to become myself a new heavenly light and wondered at as a brilliant star behold a horrible winged monster appeared who seemed to threaten me with instant destruction when I saw this object in the distance I supposed it to be one of the celestial signs but when it came near I perceived it to be an enormous eagle which followed in my wake as if about to pounce upon me I observed that this creature noticed me particularly but could not determine whether as a friend or enemy had I reflected I should not have wondered that a human being swinging round in the air with a boat hook in his hand and a long rope dragging behind him like a tail should attract the attention of even a brute creature my uncommon figure gave as I afterwards understood occasion for strange reports to the inhabitants on my side of the planet the astronomers regarded me as a comet with a very long tail the superstitious thought my appearance to be significant of some coming misfortune some draftsman took my figure as far as they could describe it so that when I landed I found paintings of myself and engravings taken from them and hawked about but to return the eagle flew toward me and attacked me with its wings very furiously I defended myself as well as I could with my boat hook and even vigorously considering my unstable situation at last when he attempted to grapple with me I thrust the hook in between his wings so firmly that I could not extricate it the wounded monster fell with a terrible cry to the globe beneath and holding the hook I, well tired of my pendant attitude was dragged to the planet at first my descent was violent but the increasing thickness of the atmosphere as I approached the planet may be sink with an easy and soft fall to the earth immediately on touching it it was now night or rather the sun was down for it was not dark I could see clearly to read the papers I had in my pocket the light, as I have already said comes from the firmament or internal shell of our earth half of it being brightened at one time like our moon the only difference between night and day is that the absence of the sun makes the weather a little colder boomcoach.blogspot.com Chapter 2 of Neil's Climbs' Journey Under the Ground this LibriVox recording is in the public domain recording by Alan Winterout Chapter 2 the author's arrival at the planet Naser my voyage through the air was now ended I lay for a long time entirely immovable awaiting my fate with the approach of day I now observe that the wants and weaknesses of humanity which during my passage had ceased now returned I was both sleepy and hungry fatigued in mind and body I fell into a deep slumber I had slept as far as I could judge about two hours when a terrible roar which had previously disturbed my slumbers suddenly awakened me I had dreamed some curious dreams in one I thought myself to be in Norway at the church in my native town listening to the singing of our clerk whose voice was really unpleasant from his roughness my first impression therefore on recovering myself was that the man was indulging in an extraordinarily ambitious strain in fact on opening my eyes I saw a huge bull within a few feet of me at the same moment a vigorous roar from this animal convinced me that I did not listen to church music it was now daybreak and the rising sun began to gild the green oaks of fruitful fields which spreading abroad in every direction astonished my recovered sense how much greater was my surprise when I saw the trees of which there were great numbers in my view move although not a breeze stirred the vicinity of the bull not being pleasing to me I arose and began to ascend a tree which stood near as I raised myself by its limbs it gave a low yet shrill scream and I got at the same time a lively slap on my ear which propelled me headlong to the ground here I lay as if struck by lightning about to give up my spirit when I heard around me a murmuring noise such as is heard on the exchange when the merchants are assembled I opened my eyes and saw many trees moving about the field imagine my agitation when one of the trees swept towards me bent one of its branches and lifting me from the ground carried me off in spite of my woeful cries followed by an innumerable number of his companions of all kinds and sizes from their trunks issued certain articulated sounds which were entirely incomprehensible to me and which I retained only the words piquel emi on account of their being often repeated I will say here these words mean an extraordinary monkey which creature they took me to be from my shape and dress all this of course I learned after being some months among them in my present condition I was far from being able to conceive of the nature of sensible speaking trees in truth so confounded was I that I forgot I could speak myself as little could I understand the meaning of the slow solemn procession and the confused murmurs which resounded in the air I fancied they were reproaching or expressing their contempt of me I was not far from the truth for the tree into which I had climbed to escape from the bull was no less than the wife of the sheriff of the neighboring town to which they were now taking me a prisoner the buildings and streets of this town were very handsome and extensive the houses from their height appeared like huge towers the streets were wide and filled with trees the trees laid about and saluted each other by lowering their branches the greater this declination the more expressive was it of respect and esteem as we passed through a very wide street I saw a tall oak approach a distinguished house when the trees which escorted me stepped gracefully back and bent their branches to the ground I concluded this must be a more than common personage in fact it was the sheriff himself the very dignitary it was insisted I had come to near I was carried to the hall of this officer's house and the door was locked upon me several trees armed with axes kept guard over me the axes were held in the branches which served the same purpose as human hands I noticed that high up in the branches each were ahead about the size of my own covered with leaves and tendrils instead of hair below were two roots or legs very short these trees were much smaller than those on our earth in fact being about the height of a man some indeed were much shorter but these I concluded to be children while reflecting on the miserable situation in which I found myself and weeping over the ill luck of my adventure my guard stepped up to me and commanded me to follow them they led me to a splendid building in the middle of the marketplace at the door of this building stood justice cut out in the form of a tree sitting among the branches a pair of scales I presumed the structure to be the courthouse nor was I deceived I was carried into a large room the floor of which was overlaid with glittering marble flags of various colors at the upper end a golden chair was raised a little above the floor like a judge's seat in it was seated a sedate palm tree distinguished from the rest by the gorgeousness of his leaves a little below him were seated twelve assessors six on either side about them stood twenty four officers holding axes I was not a little terrified when brought a prisoner before these magnets as I entered the hall all the officers of the court stood up elevated their branches and then sat down after this ceremony I was placed at the bar between two trees the stems of which were covered with sheepskins these persons I supposed to be lawyers and so they were before the trial commenced the head of the judge was wrapped up in a black blanket the accuser then made a short speech which he thrice repeated the lawyer appointed to defend me replied in the same manner a perfect silence then ensued in half an hour the superior judge rose from the chair removed the blanket raised the branches towards heaven and spoke with much grace what I supposed to be my sentence I was then carried back to my prison while I'm used on the strange things I had witnessed a tree came into my cell with an instrument resembling a lancet in his hand he stripped one of my arms and made a puncture in the median vein when he had taken for me as much blood as he deemed sufficient he bound up the wound with great dexterity he then examined my blood with much attention and departed silently with an expression of wonder this circumstance by no means weakened the opinion which I had for some time entertained that these people were shallow and foolish but my judgment proved to be too hasty when I was better enabled to judge of what passed about me by acquaintance with the subterranean languages my contempt was changed to admiration I will now explain the ceremonies which to my ignorance seem ridiculous from my figure it was concluded that I was an inhabitant of the firmament I was supposed to have attempted to violate the person of a chaste and virtuous lady and for this crime I had been taken to the courthouse for trial the rising of the branches toward heaven was a common ceremony of religion the lawyers were clothed in sheepskin to remind them of the attributes of their calling innocence, faithfulness and sedateness the repetition of their speeches was on account of the very slow apprehension and cautious decision of the people by which peculiarities they were distinguished from all the inhabitants of the subterranean world but what most excited my curiosity was the history of the supreme judge this was a virgin a native of the town and appointed by the king to the office of khaki or judge for her superior virtue and talent it must be observed that this nation paid no regard to sex and gender but after a strict examination elect those to take charge of affairs who are proved to be the most worthy seminaries are established throughout the country to teach the aspirants to public honors the duties appertaining to the direction of government the business of the administrators of these colleges is to search closely into the brains and hearts of the young students and when satisfied with their virtue and ability to give to the king there is a list of those fully prepared to fill the public offices the administrators are called karate the young virgin of whom I have spoken had received four years before from the karate a certificate for remarkable attributes and virtues and had been invested with the blanket this blanket was wrapped about her head during my trial this precaution however is taken only in trials such as mine in which the occasional broad nature of the testimony might have a painful effect upon the virgin judge should her face be exposed to the public gaze the name of this virgin was palmka she had officiated for three years with the greatest honor and was considered the most learned tree in the city she saw with so much discretion the naughtiest questions that her decisions had come to be regarded as oracles as themas' self with scales of equal weight she judged with candor both the small and great the sands are truth she like the goddess frieze from falsehood's glitter and from error's leaves the following account was given to me of the bloodletting to which I had been subjected when anyone is proved to be guilty of a crime he is bled for the purpose of detecting from the color of the fluid or blood how far this guilt was voluntary or otherwise whether he had sinned through malice temper should the fluid be found discolored he is sent to the hospital to be cured thus this process is rather a correction than a punishment a member of the council or anyone high in office would be removed should it be found necessary to bleed him the reason why the surgeon who performed the operation on me was astonished was on account of the redness of my blood the inhabitants having a sort of white fluid in their veins the purity of which is proportional to their innocence and excellence I was put at my ease when I observed that the trees generally possessed a large share of humanity this was displayed in their little attentions to me food was brought to me twice a day it consisted of fruit and several kinds of beans my drink was a clear sweet and exceedingly delicious juice the sheriff in whose house I was imprisoned had immediately the king that he had by accident got possession of a somewhat sensible animal of an uncommon figure the description of my person excited the king's curiosity orders were given to the sheriff that I should be taught the language of the country on which I should be sent to court a teacher was appointed for me whose instruction enabled me in half year to speak very comprehensively after this preparatory course of private study I was sent to a seminary where particular care was taken both of my mental and physical education indeed so enthusiastic were they to naturalize me that they actually fastened branches to my body to make me look as much as possible like themselves end of chapter 2 recording by Alan Winteroud boomcoach.blogspot.com chapter 3 of Niels Clem's journey under the ground this LibriVox recording is in the public domain recording by Alan Winteroud chapter 3 description of the town Kiba during the course of my education my landlord frequently carried me about the town and pointed out the most remarkable things Kiba is the town next in size and importance to the capital of the kingdom of Potu the inhabitants are distinguished for their sedateness and moderation old age is more respected by them than by any other community they are strangely addicted to the pitting of animals against each other or as they call it play fight I wondered that so moral of people could enjoy these brutal sports my landlord noticed my surprise and said that throughout the kingdom it was the custom to vary their lives with a due mixture of earnest duties and amusing pleasures theatrical plays are very much in vogue with them I was vexed however to hear that disputations are reckoned suitable for the stage while with us they are confined to the universities at certain times in the year disputants are set against each other as we pit dogs in game cocks high bets are made in favor of one or the other and a premium is given to the winner besides these disputants who are called Masbaki or Boxers quadrupeds wild as well as tame are trained to fight as on our globe in this town a gymnasium is established in which the liberal arts are taught with much success my landlord carried me on a high festival day to this academy on this occasion I made it where teacher in philosophy was elected the candidate made a very prosy speech on some philosophical question after which without further ceremony he was entered by the administrators on the list of the public teachers on our way home from the academy we met a criminal led by three watchmen by sentence of the cocky he had been bled and was now on his way to the city hospital I inquired concerning his crime and was answered that he had publicly lectured on the being and qualities of God a subject entirely forbidden in this country disputants on these matters are regarded as insane and are always sent to the madhouse where they are doctored until they recover their sound reason I exclaimed heaven and earth how would such laws operate on our globe where thousands of priests quarrel every day about the divine attributes the nature of spirits and other secrets of the same character truly here they would all be sent straight way to the madhouse these among many other singular customs I observed during my college life finally the time came when furnished with appropriate testimonies from the teachers I was ordered to court here is my certificate how angry and confused was I when I read it in accordance with your royal order we hereby send the animal which sometimes since came down to us from the firmament which animal calls itself man we have with sedulous care and patient industry taught this singular creature in our school and after a very severe examination pronounce it to be very quick in its perceptions and very docile in its manners nevertheless from its obtuse and miserable judgment which we believe arises from its too hasty inferences its ridiculous skepticism on unquestionable points and its no less ridiculous credulity on doubtful ones we may scarcely number it among sensible beings however as it is far quicker on its legs than our race we humbly suggest that it may be very well adapted for the situation of a running camp footman written at our seminary at kiba by your highness's most humble servants nihek, juktan, rapasi, keelak I returned sorrowfully to my landlord and begged of him with tears in my eyes to use his influence to alter the nature of my certificate from the karate and to show them my testimony from the academy of kopenhagen in which I was represented as a remarkable student he replied to me that this diploma might be well enough in kopenhagen where probably the shadow was regarded more than the substance, the bark more than the sap, but here where the kernel was more important than all else it was of no use he counseled me to bear my fate with patience and assured me in the politest manner of his friendship having nothing more to say I made ready without delay for the journey there traveled in company with me several small trees which had been educated with me in the seminary and were now destined to the capital for preferment our leader was an old karate who rode on an ox because from his age he could not walk our progress was very slow so that three days were occupied in our passage we had a quick and comfortable jaunt if I accept the meetings with some wild monkeys that would spring towards me and pester me now and then they evidently supposed me to be one of their race I could not suppress my anger however when I observed that the trees seemed to perceive this mistake of the monkeys which gave the saplings food for laughter at my expense I must remarked that I was carried to court in the same dress which I wore on my descent to the planet with the boat hook in my hand and the rope dragging after me this was by order of the king who wished to see me in my own bark end of chapter 3 chapter 4 of Niels Clem's journey under the ground this Libervox recording is in the public domain chapter 4 the royal court of Potu at last we entered the large and splendid capital of the kingdom of Potu who were first carried to a house where all students of the country's seminaries are received for the purpose of refreshment here we prepared for an interview with the king in the meantime our karate or leader went before to announce us to the court on his return we were all ordered to follow him on our way to court we met several small trees with printed stories in their branches these were literary hawkers I accidentally fixed my eye upon the title of one of these books it was a true account of an entirely new and wonderful meteor or flying dragon which was seen last year in the heavens I knew this was myself and therefore purchased the book for which three keelak about two cents were demanded on the title page I found an engraving of myself as I appeared while hovering over the planet accompanied by boat hook and rope I now approached the castle an extensive series of battlements and buildings more distinguished for its strength and delicacy of finish than for splendor it presented to my view a very singular and I may say rural appearance from the vast number of trees on the walls it was now noon and the dinner hour the king wishing to see me before he dined I was brought alone to the dining hall the king received me very graciously uniting in a remarkable degree while addressing me mildness of tone with dignity of expression at my entrance into the hall I knelt before the throne the king demanded the meaning of the ceremony having told him the reason he remarked that such worship was due only to the divinity when I had raised myself he put to me several questions demanding how I had come down the reason my journey, my name where I came from etc all which questions I answered truly finally he inquired concerning my religion and was evidently much pleased with our creed I was ordered to wait till dinner was over at the table were seated with the king, the queen, prince and caddock or great chancellor at a certain sign a maiden tree entered bearing in her eight branches and many dishes which was the number daily served at the royal table another tree entered with eight bottles filled with as many different juices in the dinner conversation frequent mention was made of myself after dinner the king ordered me to show my testimony after reading it he looked at my legs the karate are perfectly right said he and their advice shall be followed a kiva or secretary was now sent for to enter me among others in the royal register of promotion this kiva was a tree of remarkable external appearance he had eleven branches a singular number and was able to write eleven letters at once with this tree I afterward became very intimate he wrote all the letters which I as footmen carried about the country on receiving my appointment I went to bed although I was much fatigued I could not get any sleep for a long while however I fell at last into an uneasy slumber from which I was suddenly roused by an uncommonly large monkey which on opening my eyes I found playing all manner of tricks with me much to the amusement of several young trees my companions the king laughed heartily over the jokes of the monkeys when they were related to him but at the same time ordered me to be clothed in the subterranean manner that is ornamented with branches as I had been at my first arrival below ground my European clothes were taken from me and hung up in the museum with the following description attached dress of the creatures above ground after my fright from the monkey I got no more sleep in the morning I rose with the sun and went to receive my charge for the day and innumerable number of errands had been me to perform together with letters and documents directed to all parts of the country this life I led four years during my rambles I studied the character of the inhabitants and copied as far as possible their habits the people generally are distinguished for their politeness of their manners and the sensibleness of their notions the citizens of the town of Mahalki only are wanting in refinement and judgment they are thorn trees very obstinate and crab in disposition and great gossips with all let one take you by the button and you cannot get easily away each province is peopled by its own race of trees in the country each village has one sect but the large cities contain a mixed population I had a good opportunity as courier general to observe the peculiarities of these people and I shall now describe their polity and religion their laws and sciences end of chapter 4 chapter 5 of Neil's Clem's journey under the ground this Librivox recording is in the public domain chapter 5 the kingdom of Potu and its inhabitants the kingdom of Potu is enclosed within very narrow boundaries and occupies but a small space of the inner globe the whole planet Nazar is scarcely 600 miles in circumference and may be traveled over its whole extent without guide or interpreter for there is but one language throughout as the Europeans on our globe take the first rank among the nations so are the Potuans distinguished among the nations of Nazar for their virtue and understanding the roads are dotted by stone pillars which covered with inscriptions every mile affixed to them are hands pointing a road to every city and village splendid cities and prosperous villages the country is intersected by greater and lesser canals on which boats propelled by oars skim with wonderful celerity the oars are driven by self-moving machines so quietly that very little motion is given to the water the planet Nazar has the same motion with the earth in the 30s of the latter planet night and day spring summer autumn and winter the inhabitants consist of oak lime poplar thorn and pine trees from which the months there being 6 in each subterranean year take their names the chronology is peculiar being fixed by remarkable occurrences their oldest tradition is that 3,000 years ago a mighty comet appeared nearly after which followed a flood which swept off all the races of trees animals etc with the exception of one or two of each race who saved themselves upon a high mountain and from whom to send the present inhabitants corn and other grain with the fruits common to Europe grow here in great profusion the waters are filled with fish and upon the banks of the rivers are seeded splendid country houses their drink is prepared from certain plants which bloom at all times of the year in Peltu is established a very useful law called the generation law this law varies the liberties and advantages of the people according to the number of children each one possesses thus he who is the father of six children is exempted from all common and extraordinary taxes therefore generation is quite as useful and desirable in this country as on the earth it is burdensome and dangerous below ground never was such a thing imagined as a smallpox tax no one can hold two offices at once it is thought that each office however small requires a soul attention of its occupant and that none should be employed in that which they do not understand I remember to have heard the philosopher rock bossy speak thus everyone should know his own talents and should impartially judge of his own merits and faults otherwise the actor must be considered more sensible than natural men for he chooses not the best part but that which he can execute best shall we allow the actor to be wiser on the stage than we in life the inhabitants of this kingdom are not divided into classes those alone being regarded who are noted for virtue and industry the highest rank if rank it may be called is given to those who possess the greatest number of branches they being enabled to do the most work into chapter five chapter six of neil's climes journey under the ground this little box recording is in the public domain chapter six the religion of the pottoons the system of religion in potto is very simple it is forbidden under pain of banishment to the firmament to blame the holy books whoever dares to dispute the being and nature of the deity is sent to the madhouse and his bled it is foolish they say to attempt to describe that to which our senses are as blind as the eyes of an owl in sunshine all agree in worshiping a superior being whose omnipotence has created and whose providence maintains all things each one is permitted to think and worship as he pleases the people pray seldom but with so ardent devotion that a looker on would think them enraptured during the continuance of the prayer I told them that it was our custom to pray and sing psalms while at our domestic duties this they blamed an earthly king said they would be angry should one who came to petition for something brush his clothes and comb his hair in the presence of the sovereign they have many curious notions of religion which they defend very artfully for example when I remarked to some of them whose friendship I had gained that they could not expect to be blessed after death since they walked in darkness here they answered he who with severity condemns others was himself in danger of being condemned I once advised them to pray every day they did not deny the importance of the prayer but thought true religion consisted in obeying the will of God suppose continued they that a king has two kinds of subjects some air every day violating from ignorance or malice the rulers commands they come every day with petitions and deprecations to the palace beg pardon for their faults and depart only to recommit them the others come sell them and never voluntarily to court and diligently every of the king's commands and thereby events the respect and loyalty due to him will not the king think these deserving of his love as good subjects and faithful but on the contrary those as evil subjects burden some as well for their misdeeds as for their frequent petitions there are five festival days during the year the first of these which takes place at the beginning of the oak month a great devotion in dark places where not a ray of light is suffered to enter signifying that the being they worship is inconceivable the festival is called the inconceivable God's day the whole day from sunrise to sunset the people remain immovable engaged in earnest and heartfelt prayers in the four other festivals thanks to God for his blessings form the principal ceremonies end of chapter 6 chapter 7 of Niels Clem's journey under the ground this Libervox recording is in the public domain chapter 7 the Patoan constitution in the kingdom of Pato the crown is inherited as with us by the eldest son of the king whose power is absolute the government however is rather fatherly than tyrannical justice is not meeted by law alone but as the result of principle a principle of the widest philosophic comprehension thus monarchy and liberty are closely united which otherwise would be inimical to each other the ruler seeks to maintain as far as possible an equality among his subjects honors are not limited to any class but the poorer and more ignorant are called upon to receive their opinions from to the decisions of the richer and more intelligent the young are to respect the aged the annals of Pato show that some centuries ago certain classes were highly favored by the laws to the exclusion of the great body of the people frequent disturbances had been the result of this favoritism till a citizen of the town Kiba proposed an alteration in the laws by which all distinctions of class were abolished while the office of king should still remain hereditary all the other officers of government should be subject to the will of the people all of whom should be allowed to vote who could read and write at least their names according to the custom of the subterranians in such affairs this intelligent and patriotic citizen was led to the marketplace with a rope about his neck his proposition was considered and after grave deliberation was adopted as conducive to the general interest the mover was then carried in triumph through the city honored by the grateful shouts of the people he who has the most numerous offspring is regarded as the most deserving citizen he is honored above all others without exception such men are looked upon as heroes and their memory is sainted by posterity they only receive the name which on earth is awarded to the disturbers and enemies of the race the name of great it is very easy to conceive of the degree in which Alexander and Julius Caesar would be prized by this people both of whom not only had no children themselves but murdered millions of the offspring of others I remember to have read the following inscription on the tomb of a Kevan peasant here lies Jorktan the Great the hero of his time father of 30 children among the court officers the Kadori or Grand Chamberlain is the superior next after him comes the Smizian or treasurer in my time the seven branched widow Kahanya filled the latter place she was a virtuous and industrious woman although her duties were many and important she nursed her child herself I remarked once that I thought this to be troublesome and unfit for so great a lady I was replied to in this wise for what purpose has nature given breasts to women for the ornament of the body alone or for the nourishment of their children the crown prince was a child of six years his governor was the wisest tree in the kingdom I have seen an abstract of moral philosophy and policy written by him for the use of the prince the title of which is Mahalda Libal Helit which in the subterranean language means the country's rudder it contains many fundamental and useful precepts of which I recollect the following first, neither blame nor praise should be too hastily credited judgment should be deferred until accurate knowledge of the matter is obtained second, when a tree is accused of any crime and the accusation is supported then the life of the culprit must be examined his good and evil actions must be compared and judgment be given according to the preponderance of either third, the king must be accurately acquainted with the opinions of his subjects and must strive to give union among them fourth, punishment is not less necessary than reward the former restrains evil the latter promotes good fifth, sound reason teaches that a special regard should be had to the fitness of candidates to public offices but though piety and honesty go to form the greatest merit yet as the appearance of these virtues is often imposed on us for the reality no tree should be severely judged till he gets into office when he will show himself what he is sixth, to make a treasurer of a poor man or a bankrupt is to make a hungry wolf purveyor of the kitchen the case of a rich miser is still stronger the bankrupt or the penniless may set bounds to their speculation the miser never has enough seventh, when the prevalence of vice renders a reformation necessary great care and deliberation must be used to banish at once and en masse old and rooted faults would be like prescribing laxative and restringent medicines at the same time to an invalid eighth, they who boldly promise everything and take upon themselves many duties are either fools who know not their own powers or the importance of affairs or are mean and unjust citizens who regard their own and not their country's welfare end of chapter 7 chapter 8 of neils climm's journey under the ground this liber vox recording is in the public domain chapter 8 the academies of patu in this kingdom are three academies one in patu, one in kiba and one in nahami the sciences taught in them are history, political economy, mathematics and jurisprudence their theological creed is so short that it can be written on two pages it contains this doctrine simply that God the creator of all things shall be loved and honored and that he will in another life reward us for our virtues and punish us for our vices theology forms no part of an academical course as it is forbidden by law to discuss these matters neither is medicine numbered among the studies for as the trees live moderately there is no such thing as internal disease the students are employed in solving complicated and difficult questions and he who most elegantly and clearly explains his question is entitled to a reward no one studies more than one science and thus each gets a full knowledge of his peculiar subject the teachers themselves are obliged to give each year a proof of their learning the teachers of philosophy are required to solve some problem in morals the historians to elaborate some passage in history the jurists to elucidate some intricate point of law these laughs are the only professors expected to be good orators I told them that the study of rhetoric was common to all students in our colleges and that all studies were merged in it they disapproved of this saying that should all mechanics strive to make a masterly shoe the work of most would be bad and the shoemakers alone would win the prize besides these academies there are preparatory gymnasiums where great pains are taken for the bent of the young that they may be brought up in that science to which they are best fitted while I was at the seminary of Kiba the bishop had four sons there preparing for a military course four others whose father was a counselor were learning mechanical arts and two maidens were studying navigation the rank and sex of the scholars are entirely overlooked in their regard to fitness and propriety he who challenges another to fight loses forever his right to use weapons and is condemned to live under guardianship as one who cannot curb his passions or temper his judgment I observed that the names of parties who go to law are kept secret from the judge he not being inhabitant of the place where the trial is carried on the object of this singular law is to prevent all partiality and bribery on the part of the judge by withholding from him all knowledge of the influence or property of the litigants justice is executed without regard to persons the king indeed is not required to appear in court but after death his memory is put to the bar of public opinion and his life is vindicated or condemned through the people's advocates this trial takes place before the senate and judgment is freely pronounced according to the weight of the evidence a herald proclaims the decision which is inscribed on the king's monument the words used in these trials are praiseworthy, good, not bad, moderate, tolerable sentence must be pronounced by one of these words the patuans give the following reason for this custom the living king cannot be brought to justice without causing rebellion as long as he lives the people owed to him blind obedience and constant reverence but when the king is dead the bond between them is dissolved and his memory belonging to them they are bound to justify it as his virtues and vices principally affected themselves the pacuan annals show that for centuries only one king has received the last degree of judgment tolerable or in their tongue, rip fa si this was king mclita although the pacuans are well versed in arms and defend themselves bravely when attacked they never make war on others but this king, excited by a miserable desire to extend the borders of his empire entered into an offensive war with his neighbors and subdued many of them the pacuans gained indeed in power and wealth but they suffered more from the loss of friendship and the increase of fear and envy in the conquered the honorable regard for justice and equality to which they had hitherto owe their prosperity and supremacy began from that time to fade on the death of mclita however the people recovered from their folly and showed their regret for it while at the same time they regained the goodwill of their neighbors by putting a block upon the memory of their ruler but to return to myself I took but little pleasure in associating with my companions a set of absurd trees who constantly ridiculed me from my quick perception this quality I have already said I was blamed for very early in my career but by learned trees with grave and dignified complacence these saplings on the contrary pestered me with silly nicknames for example they took a malicious delight in calling me scaba which means an untimely or unripe thing End of Chapter 8 Recording by Alan Winteroud BoomCoach.blogspot.com Chapter 9 Of Niels Clem's Journey Under the Ground This LibriVox recording is in the public domain Recording by Alan Winteroud Chapter 9 The Journey Around Planet Nazar I had now performed the toilsome duties of a courier for two years having been everywhere with orders and letters I was tired of this troublesome and unbecoming business I sent to the king petition after petition asking for my discharge and soliciting for a more honorable appointment but I was repeatedly refused for His Majesty did not think my abilities would warrant promotion He condescended to refer me to the laws and customs which allowed those only to be placed in respectable and important offices and fitted for them by talent and virtue It was necessary, he continued that I should remain where I was till I could, by my merits, pave my way to distinction He concluded thus Study to know yourself is wisdom's rule The wise man reasons, blunders still the fool Strive not with feeble powers great weights to move before your shoulders long experience prove I was thus obliged to remain as patiently as I could in my old service amusing myself in thinking how to bring my talents to the light In my continual journeys about the country I studied the nature of the people the quality of the soil and in short became accurately acquainted with everything worthy of observation that I might not forget anything I used myself to write notes of each journey these notes I enlarged afterwards as well as I could and was thus enabled to deliver to the king a volume of considerable size I soon observed that this work was far from being displeasing to His Majesty He read it through with attention and then recommended it to the Senate with much ceremony It was soon determined that I should be made use of to discover and make known whatever there was of interest throughout the planet Truly, I expected some other reward for my sleepless nights and laborious days than still greater burdens still heavier travail but I could only in silence sigh with the poet alas that virtue should be praised by all should warm with its mild beams all hearts yet mock and freeze its owner However, as I have always had a great desire to see and hear everything new and expected with all a magnificent reward from the really kind-hearted king on my return I set about this work with a kind of pleasure Although the planet Nazar is but about 600 miles in circumference it seems to the trees a vast extent principally on account of their slow movement No Patoan could go round it in less time than two years whereas I with my long legs could traverse it easily in two months I set out on this journey in the poplar month Most of the things which I shall now relate are so curious that the reader may be easily brought to believe them to be written from mere whim or at least to be poetical contrivance The physical and moral diversities are so many and so great on this planet that a man who has only considered the difference between the antipodal nations of the earth can form but a faint idea of the same It must be observed that the nations of Nazar are divided by sounds and seas and that this globe is a kind of arch-pelago It will be wearisome to relate all my adventures and I shall limit my remarks to those people who seem to me the most remarkable The only things which I found in common with all were figure and language, all were trees but in customs, gestures and sense so great was the diversity that each province appeared like a new world In Kwamzo, the province next to Potu the inhabitants are entirely oak trees They know not of bodily weakness or disease but arrive in perfect health and continued health to the very great age They seem to be the most fortunate of all creatures but I found after some intercourse with them that this assumption was a great mistake Although I never saw any of them sad yet none appeared to be happy The purest heaven is never impressive but after a storm So happiness is not appreciated by these oaks because it is never interrupted They bless not health because they are never sick They spend their lives in tame and uninterrupted indifference Possessed of little politeness and goodness of heart their conversation is cold and cheerless Their manners stiff and haughty Without passions they are crimeless Without weakness they are pitiless Those alone to whom pain and sickness bring the remembrance of their mortality learn in their own sufferings to sympathize with and compassionate the woes of others I was now in a land where I had living proof of how much the occurrence of pain and the fear of death tend to produce mutual love and cheerful converse among fellow beings Here for the first time I came to know the folly and sin of grumbling at the Creator for bringing upon us trouble and suffering which are really good for us and which produce the happiest consequences The province La Lac which is sometimes called Mascata or the Blessed Land was the next in the order of my journey This land is very appropriately named All things spring forth spontaneously Here between melon vines and moist strawberry flow milky brooks and amber streams of mead Their luscious wine from crystal spouts more merry as Bacchus from his slumber had been freed Far down along the mountain's verdant side the limpid juice with golden luster ripples in dales soft undulating oozing glide sweet waters out of teeming nature's nipples and trees of paradise their blanches reach bending with purple plum and mellow peach from all the land nutritious savers rise to blessed suns then mount to scent the skies These advantages do not by any means make the inhabitants happy It occurred to me that laborers in harsher climates are much better off than these people who necessarily languish in idleness and luxury Next to La Lac is Mardak inhabited by Cypresses Of these are different descents or races determined by the number or shape of their eyes Here is a list of the varieties Nagiri who have oblong eyes to whom all objects appear oblong Naguire whose eyes are square Palampi who have very small eyes Jaraku with two eyes which are turned in opposite directions Mehanki with three eyes Panasuki with four eyes Haramba whose eyes occupy the whole forehead and finally Skodolki who have a single eye in the neck The most numerous and powerful of these races are the Nagirians Kings, senators, and priests are always chosen from this class None are admitted to any office but those who acknowledge and testify by oath that a certain table dedicated to the sun and placed in the temple is oblong This table is the holiest object of Mardakian worship The oath to be taken by aspirants to honors is as follows In English, I swear that the holy table of the sun seems oblong to me and I promise to remain in this opinion until my last breath When the neophyte of either class has sworn this oath he has taken up among the Nagirians and is qualified for any office On the day after my arrival as I walked in the marketplace I met a party bearing an old man to the whipping post I asked in the nature of his offense and was told that he was a heretic who had publicly declared that the holy table of the sun seemed square to him I immediately entered the temple being curious to know whether or not my eyes were orthodox The table was certainly square to my view and I said so to my landlord on my return This tree, who had been recently appointed a church warden drew a deep sigh on this occasion and confessed that it also seemed square to him but that he dared not express such an opinion openly from fear of being ejected from office if not worse Trimbling in every joint, I quietly left this region fearful that my back might suffer on account of my heterodox vision The duchy of Kemal is considered the mightiest and richest of the states on this planet There are a numberless silver mines within its borders The sand of its rivers is colored by gold and its coasts are paved with pearl oysters of the finest water The people of this province, nevertheless are more miserable than those of any other I visited They are miners, gold strainers and pearl divers condemned to the most infamous slavery drenched in water or secluded from air and light and all for the sake of dear gain How strange and senseless is the lust for brilliant baubles The possessors of wealth are obliged to keep a continual watch over their property for the land is full of robbers None can travel without an armed retinue Thus this people, on which their neighbors look with longing eyes should deserve pity rather than excite envy Fear, mistrust and jealousy rage in all hearts Each regards his neighbor as an enemy Sorrows and terrors, sleepless nights pale faces and trembling hands are the fruits of that very wealth which their neighbors look upon as the greatest good My wanderings through Kemal were the most unpleasant and dangerous in all my experience My course was toward the east I journeyed among many people who were generally polite and social but whose customs were not singular enough to merit particular attention I had much cause to wonder when I came among the Qombojas in whom nature was entirely perverted The older these people grow the more lustful they become Rationist, lasciviousness and roguery increase with years None are suffered to hold offices after the 40th year At this age the wildness and moral insensibility of boyhood begins The sports of childhood only are tolerated The tree becomes a minor and is placed under the guardianship of his younger relations I did not think it advisable to remain long in Qomboja where in a few years I should be sentenced to become a child again I witnessed a perversion of a different kind in Kokleku In the former province nature is the agent of this perversion Here the law is the agent The Koklekuans are juniper trees The males alone cook and perform all domestic duties In time of war they serve in the army but always in the ranks To the females are entrusted all civil divine and military offices The females reason thus The males are endowed with greater bodily strength and greater powers of endurance Therefore it is clear that nature intended them to do all the work But this will keep them so busy they will not have time to think Moreover, as continual physical labor degrades the mind if they should presume to think their thoughts would be purile and practically useless Therefore it is plain that to the females belong the direction of affairs The lady of the house may be found in the study with books and papers about her while the master is in the kitchen cooking and washing I saw many mournful effects of this inconsistent custom In other places females are to be found who bring their chastity to market and trade with their charms Here the young males sell their knights and for this end congregate in certain dwellings before which signs are hung out When these males get to be too troublesome they are punished as prostitutes are elsewhere Females stroll about the streets beckon to the men stare at them whistle and cry shh to them chuckle them under the chin and do all manner of tricks without the least sense of shame These females boast of their victories as dandies with us plume themselves on their intimacy with ladies whose only favor may have been a sharp box on the ear None are here blamed for besieging a young male with love letters and presents but a young fellow would be looked upon as having outraved all decency should he stammer out a faint yes to the first entreaty of a young female At the time I was in the country a terrible commotion arose on account of the violation of a senator's son by a young virgin She was generally condemned for this high-handed and abominable action The friends of the youth insisted that she should be prosecuted and if the crime were proved sentenced to mend the young fellow's honor by marrying him especially as it could be sworn to that he had lived a pure and virtuous life till this libertinesse had seduced him Blessed Europe I exclaimed on this occasion thrice blessed France and England where the names weaker sex, frail vessels are no idle names where the wives are so entirely subjected to their husbands that they seem to be either machines or automatons than creatures endowed with free will and noble aspirations The most splendid billing in Cooke-Leaku is the queen's harem in which 300 beautiful young fellows are shut up for life So jealous is the queen that no female is allowed to approach the walls within 100 yards Never beholding any of their race but the queen and a few dried up and ugly spinsters the poor creatures vegetate mindless and joyless Having heard accidentally that my form had been praised in the presence of the queen I hastily escaped from this unnatural and execrable land fear to my feet gave wings Continuing my course still to the east I came to the philosophical land as its inhabitants who are principally engaged in the study of philosophy and the sciences vain gloriously called it long and earnestly wished to see this land which I enthusiastically ascribed to be the seat of the muses I hurried on with all possible celerity but the roads were so full of stones holes and bogs that I was delayed, besmirched and bruised However, I endured these troubles patiently anticipating the delights that awaited me and well knowing that the path to paradise is not over roses When I had struggled onward for an hour, I met a peasant of whom, after saluting him I demanded how far distant the borders of Muscatia were You should rather ask, he replied How far you must go back for you are now in the very middle of it In great astonishment I asked How is it that a land inhabited by pure philosophers should appear like the abode of wild animals and ignorant barbarians Indeed, said the peasant it would look better if the people could find time to attend to such trifles At present they must be excused for they have higher and nobler things in their heads They are now speculating about the shortest road to the sun Nobody can blow and swallow at the same time I understood the meaning of the cunning peasant and left him after getting the direction to the capital city, Cassia Instead of guards and the usual collection about the gates of a large town, hens and geese strutted about at their ease In the crevices of the gate hung burden nests and cobwebs In the street, philosophers and swine were mingled together, and both classes being alike filthy they were only to be distinguished from each other by form The philosophers were a kind of cloak of the color of which I should not dare to give an opinion, so thick was the dirt upon them I was run into by one of these wise men who seemed to be enraptured by some speculation I beg pardon master of arts, I exclaimed May I ask of you the name of this town? He stood for some time immovable with closed eyes then recovering somewhat from his trance and rolling his eyes upward he muttered We are not far from noon This untimely answer which betrayed a perfect insensibility convinced me that intelligent resulted from methodical and practical study is preferable to the torpid insanity incident to much learning I went on hoping to meet with some sensible animal or anybody rather than a philosopher In the marketplace a very extensive square where a great many statues and pillars covered with inscriptions I approached one of them to get if possible the meaning of the characters While engaged in spelling the words my back suddenly became warm and immediately after I felt warm water trickling down my legs I turned around to discover the fountain of the stream and lo an abstracted philosopher was performing at ease on my back the same operation that the dogs do against the study This infamous trick excited my wrath and I gave him a severe blow The philosopher regained his wits at this and seizing me by the hair dragged me around the marketplace Our struggles soon brought us both to the ground then a multitude of philosophers came running toward us and having dragged me from under my opponent beat me with their sticks till I became senseless I was then carried to a large house and thrown into the middle of the hall I now recovered in a measure from my ill treatment On seeing this the wise man who first insulted me recommends to beat me not withstanding my prayers for mercy I now learned that the intensity of no anger can be compared to the philosophical and that teachers of virtue and moderation are not called upon to practice the same The longer my oppressor beat me the more did his blood boil At last there came into the hall four Sophists whose cloaks proclaimed them to be of a different class from my late tyrants They had some compassion for me and soothed the rage of the others I was taken to another house and right glad was I to escape the hands of the bandits and get among honest people I related to my protectors the cause of the calamity They laughed heartily at the whole matter and then explained to me that the philosopher absorbed in deep thought had mistaken me for a pillar before which it is customary on certain natural occasions to stop Just when I supposed myself in safety I nearly gave up the ghost from fear I was led into a dissecting room filled with bones and dead bodies the stench from which was intolerable After languishing in this disgusting den for half an hour the lady of the house brought in my dinner which she had prepared herself She was very polite and amiable but looked at me closely and sighed continually I asked the reason of her sorrow She answered that she became sick when she thought of what I was to suffer You have indeed, she said, come among honest people for my husband who lives in this house is a doctor of medicine and the others are his colleagues but your uncommon figure has awakened their curiosity and they have determined to take your internal structure into close consideration In fine, they intend to cut you up in the hope of finding some new phenomena in anatomy I was thunderstruck at hearing these tidings I cried out indignantly How can people be called honest madam who entertains strangers only to cut them up You should stick your fingers in the ground, she replied and smell the land you have got into I begged her with tears in my eyes to intercede for me She answered, my intercession would be of no service to you but I will endeavor to save you by other means She then took my hand carefully led me out by a back door and guided me to the city gate Here I would have taken leave of my kind and gentle guide but while manifesting my gratitude in the most lively expressions she suddenly interrupted my speech and signified her intention not to leave me till I should be in perfect safety She would not be persuaded to return We walked on together Meanwhile, she entertained me with just and sensible remarks on the customs and follies of the people Afterward, she turned the discourse to more delicate matters We were at some distance from the city My soft companion adverted to the danger from which she had saved me and suddenly demanded of me in return a politeness which was morally impossible She told me with much feeling and warmth of the unfortunate fate of females in this land that the philosophers entirely absorbed by their speculations and buried among their books neglect to an alarming extent the duties of marriage Yes, she continued, I can swear to you that we would be wholly undone if some polite traveler did not occasionally take pity on our miserable condition and mitigate our torments I pretended not to understand her meaning and showed the usual commonplace and complacent sympathy But my coolness was as oil to the flame I increased my pace The poor lady whose heart had hitherto been subjected to the sweet-smiling goddess now changed to a fury I fled from my new danger Fear and length of legs enabled me to outstrip her Mangled with her shrieks, appropriate epitaphs fell fast The last I could distinguish were khaki spalaki, ungrateful hound I passed on to other provinces in which I found but little uncommon and peculiar I now thought that I had seen all the wonders of Nazare But when I came to the land of Kabak more curious and more incredible things were disclosed to my gaze Among the Kabakans, there is a certain class without heads These are born without that appendage They speak through a hole in the middle of the breast On account of this natural defect they are generally excluded from offices where brains are thought to be useful They are notwithstanding a serviceable class and most of them are to be seen at court being gentlemen of the bed chamber stewards of the household, keepers of the harem, etc. Beatles, vestry clerks, and such brainless officers are chosen from this class Occasionally, one of them is taken up into the senate either by the particular favor of government or through the influence of friends This is done generally without injury to the country for it is well known that the business of the country is carried on by a few senators and that the rest are only useful to fill the seats and agreed and subscribed to the determinations of the leaders The inhabitants of the two provinces Kumbara and Spilek are all lime trees but their resemblance ends in form The Kumbarans live only about four years The Spelikians, on the other hand attain to the wonderful age of 400 years In the former place, the people have their full growth a few weeks after birth and finish their education before the first year During the three remaining years, they prepare for death The province appears to be a true platonic republic in which all the virtues reach to their perfection The inhabitants, on account of their short lives are, as it were, continually on the wing They regard this life as a gait through which they hastily pass Their hearts are fixed on the future rather than on the present They may be called true philosophers for they care not for luxury and pleasure but strive through fear of God, virtuous actions and clear consciences to make themselves worthy of eternal happiness In a word, this land seemed to be the habitation of saints and angels, the only school of virtue I was here brought to think of the unreasonableness of those who grumble at the shortness of life those quarrelors with providence Life can be called short when passed in luxury and idleness The shortest life is long when it is well employed In Spelik, on the contrary all the vices common to airing creatures seem to be congregated The people have only the present in their minds for the future has no sensible vanishing point Sincerity, honesty, chastity and decency have taken flight to give place to falsehood lasciviousness and bad manners I was happy to get away from this province although I was obliged to traverse desolate and rocky regions which lay behind it These deserts separate Spelik from Spelank or the innocent land This name is obtained from the meekness and innocence of the inhabitants These are all stone oaks and are thought to be the happiest of all sensible creatures They are not subject to any agitation of mind and are free from all vices Free of compulsion ignorant did all obey the simple rules of nature justice easy and virtue unadorned they practiced for unknown replenishment and fear On no holy stone were menaces engraved no holy table declared the thunders of law None trembled at the rulers frown or nod but without guard with sharpened steel on shoulders ready poised or castled wall bristling with murderous tools were all ranked safe On no battlefield was Victor crowned or bloody altar heat with his kinsman corpses With sports and pleasant tales in infant innocence they lived the innocence that lies in the mother's lap Thus passed they from the fond embrace of peace with easy change to death's determined grasp When I came to this province I found the reputation which these people had gained namely that they practiced virtue from inclination rather than from the authority of law was well founded But as envy and ambition were entirely unknown to them the inducements to excel and the will for great things were wanting no palaces, no courts, no fine buildings They had no magistrates to administer law no avarice to carry them to court In fine, although without vices they knew nothing of the arts, of splendid virtues nor of any of the things which were fine a people They appeared to be rather an oak forest than a sensible and thoughtful nation I traveled next through the province Kiliak The natives of this province are born with certain marks on their foreheads which point out how long they will live At first I imagined these people to be happy as death could never overtake them unexpectedly nor tear them away in the midst of their sins But as each one knows on what day he shall die it is usual to postpone repentance till the last hour They only are really pious who begin to sing their death song I saw several move about the streets with drooping heads and miserable looks The signs upon their foreheads proclaim their speedy disillusion They counted their remaining hours and minutes upon their fingers and regarded with horror the rapidity of time The creator's wisdom and goodness to us in this respect became obvious to me in this land I could no longer doubt that it is better for us to be ignorant of the future From Kiliak I sailed over a black sound to the kingdom of Askerak Their new wonders greeted me While in Kabak people are to be seen without heads Here on the contrary individuals come into the world with seven heads These are great universal geniuses In former times they were worshipped with almost divine veneration and were made senators, chief magistrates, etc As they had as many plans and expedience as heads they executed with zeal and rapidity many different things and while the government was in their hands there was nothing left unchanged But as they made several sets of ideas effective at once it happened very naturally that these ideas came in contact with each other At last they mingled together so intricately that the seven head of geniuses could not discriminate in from out The affairs of government became so disordered that centuries were required to restore them to the simplicity from which these all-knowing magistrates had brought them A law had been established before I went there by which all seven headed people were excluded from important offices and the administration of government was given to simple and ordinary persons that is persons with but one head The many headed now occupy the same places as the headless of Kabak Beyond Askarak and separated from it by extensive deserts lays the duchy of Bostanke The Bostankans resemble the Potuans in their external form Their internal construction is very singular The heart is placed in the right leg so that it may be literally said of them that their hearts are in their breeches They are notorious for being the greatest cowards among all the inhabitants of Nazare Angry from faintness and fatigue I came to a tavern near the city gates I could not abstain from growling at the landlord because he could not provide what I called for The poor fellow fell on his knees before me begged my pardon amidst tears and groans and held his right leg toward me that I might feel how his heart beat At this I laughed and almost forgot to be angry I wiped the tears from the poor sinner's eyes and told him not to be afraid He rose up, kissed my hand, and went out to prepare my food Not long after, I heard lamentable cries and howls from the kitchen I hastened thither and to my great astonishment saw the humble and trembling Monsieur Poultron engaged very valiantly in beating his wife and serving girls When he perceived me, he took to flight I turned to the weeping wife and girls and demanded what could have excited such terrible anger in my lamb-like host They stood for some time silently what their eyes fixed on the ground At length the wife replied in the following words You do not seem, dear stranger, to have much knowledge of human nature The citizens of this place who dare not look at an armed enemy and at the least noise creep like mice into holes hector in the kitchens and tyrannize over us feeble women Thoroughly disgusted by the mean and cowardly spirit of this people I hired a boat to go to Mikolak On landing I missed my outer coat which I recollected to have put in the boat at starting After quarreling a long time with a boatman who denied all knowledge of it I went to a magistrate and relayed the whole matter to him I asserted that I had at least a right to demand my own property if I could not sue at law one with whom I entrusted with my goods The boatman still denied the theft and required that I should be punished for wrongly accusing him In this doubtful case the court demanded witnesses This demand I could not answer but proposed that my opponent should take oath on his innocence At this proposal the judge smiled and said In this land, my friend, there is no weight in religious confirmation The laws are our gods Proof must therefore be given in a formal manner by witnesses or written documents Whoever cannot do this not only lose their case but are subject to punishment for malicious accusation Prove your case by witnesses and you will get your own again I lost my case The regard to the hospitality due to strangers was not punished I had far more reason to pity this people than to regret my own loss How weak is that society which relies for its safety on bare human laws It is like a city built on a volcanic mountain Little firmness has that political structure which rests not on the foundation of religion Leaving this atheistic land Across a very high mountain to Bragmat which lays in a dale at the foot of the mountain The people of this city are juniper trees The first that I met rushed towards me and pressing with the weight of his body felled me to the ground When I demanded the reason of this rough salutation he begged my pardon in the most polite and elegant expressions A few minutes after another struck me in the side with a hedgepole and likewise excused his carelessness in a pretty speech I thought they must be blind and gave to all I passed a very wide berth I was afterward informed that some among them were possessed of a very sharp sight so they can behold objects far beyond the view of others but they could not see what was directly before them These sharp-sighted people are called Makati and are, most of them, adept in astronomy and transcendental philosophy I passed through several other provinces in which I found nothing worthy to be recorded in this history and returned to Patu after an absence of two months I entered the city of Patu on the tenth day of the Ash month The first thing I did was to deliver my journal to the king who ordered it to be printed It must be observed that the art of printing which both Europeans and Chinese claim to have invented has been well known in Nazare for ages The Patuans were so much pleased with my book that they were never tired of reading it Little trees carried it about the streets and cried Court Footman's Scabas travels around the globe Puffed up by my success I now strove for higher things and awaited somewhat impatiently an appointment to a great and respectable office My expectations not being answered I gave in a new petition in which I eulogized my work and claimed a suitable reward for my uncommon merit The mild and beneficent king was moved by my prayers and promised to keep me in gracious remembrance He kept his promise but not to my liking for his grace consisted only in making an addition to my stipend I had pointed my nose another way but not daring to press the king with more petitions I made my complaint to the great chancellor This very sensible personage listened to me with his usual urbanity and promised to serve me At the same time he advised me to abandon my unreasonable desires and take a more exact view of my weak judgment and general insignificance Nature, he said, has been a stepmother to you You want altogether the talents which clear the road to important offices You must creep before you walk and it is foolish to think of flying without wings He acknowledged my merits but, he continued, it is not such merits as yours that will give you admittance to state affairs If all merit should give this right then every painter and sculptor this for his skill in carving that for his knowledge of colors might demand a seat at the council board Merit ought to be rewarded but the reward should be adapted to the object that the state may not suffer This speech struck me and had the effect to keep me very quiet for some time but I could not endure the thought of growing gray in my base employment I determined on the desperate attempt which I had formally considered to improve the constitution and thus by a bold stroke to advance my own and the country's welfare Shortly before my journey I had strictly examined the internal condition of the kingdom to discover the least failing in its machinery and the best means to remedy it In the province Kokliku I had learned that the government waggles in which women have a part For being by nature vain they strive to extend their power in every conceivable direction and stop not till they have procured for themselves perfect and unlimited dominion I concluded therefore to propose the exclusion of the fair sex from all public offices and trusted to get a sufficiency of voices on my side by placing the case in its best light It seemed an easy matter to me to convince the male sex of the dangers to which they were exposed if they did not in time weaken this female power I executed this plan with all the art I was possessed of supporting it with the most cogent reasons and sent it to the king He who had given me many proofs of his favor was astonished at this miserable and impertinent project as he graciously called it and said that it would fall out to my destruction but relying partly on my reasonings and partly on the support of the whole male population I held obstinately to my plan According to law I was led to the marketplace with a rope about my neck to await the decision of the council When the counselors had given their votes the sentence was sent to be subscribed by the king which being done it was publicly read by a herald as followed On mature consideration we adjudge that the proposal made by Senior Scaba, first court footman to his majesty to exclude the second sex from public offices cannot be accepted without affecting the peace and order of the kingdom since the women who formed the half of our population would naturally be excited by this innovation and thereby become hostile and troublesome to the government Furthermore we hold it to be unjust to deny to trees of excellent qualities admission to offices of which they have hitherto shown themselves to be worthy and especially it is incredible that nature which has nothing inconsiderately should have idly endured them with superior and varied gifts We believe the welfare of the kingdom requires that a regard should be had to fitness rather than to names in the disposal of offices As the land is not seldom in need of capable subjects we pronounce a statute which should declare an entire half of the population merely from birth unworthy of and useless in affairs to be deplorable After grave deliberation we declare this to be justice let the aforesaid scabba for his no less despicable than bold proposal suffer the usual punishment in such cases The good king took my misfortune to heart but did not seek to change the resolution of the council As a matter of form he signed a warrant for my execution yet with his characteristic mildness and in consideration of my having been born and educated in a strange world where a quick and reckless head is thought to be a blessing he commuted my punishment to imprisonment till the beginning of the birch month when with other animals I should be banished to the firmament When this sentence was published I was sent to prison