 Alright, so in this video, I'm going to share with you a story that I haven't even told my therapist about, but I wanted to share it with all of you because I think it might be able to help somebody, anybody out there who might be struggling with their mental health. What's up everybody? This is Chris from the Rewired Soul where we talk about the problem, but focus on the solution. And if you're new to my channel, my channel is all about mental health. So if you're down to improve your mental and emotional well-being, make sure you subscribe and ring the notification bell. And follow me over on Instagram and Twitter at the Rewired Soul because I love talking with all of you beautiful people out there. Alright, so yeah, sit back, relax. We're going to have a little story time so if you want to go get yourself some coffee or cocoa or tea, kick your feet up. Alright, but yeah, like I said in the intro, I haven't really shared this story at all and I hope that some of you can get some inspiration from it, everything like that. But yeah, like the title said, I wanted to relapse. But in order to get to that point, I got to take you back about seven, seven and a half years ago. Alright, because those of you who don't know if this is your first video of mine for some reason, I'm a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. I got clean June 23rd, 2012 on my 27th birthday. I started with alcohol. I got into prescription opioids. But yeah, a little over seven years ago, I was at my rock bottom. Leading up to that point, I lost everything and I had tried to get sober multiple times and I finally gave up. And it came to a point where I lost my job, my apartment, my truck, and worst of all, I wasn't even allowed to see my son because I couldn't stop getting high. So I ended up going into the hospital for the umpteenth time and they found out I had congestive heart failure. My heart was the size of my lung. I had about a 10% chance of living and yeah, the people of my life, my mom, my son's mom, my best friend and family members, they were begging me to stop and I just wanted to keep using until I died. Like that is how hopeless I was. And I wanted everybody to just give up on me but thankfully they didn't. And my mom took me back to California with her. She was sober for seven years at that time. She's coming up on 14 years. But anyways, she gave me an ultimatum to get sober or go back to Las Vegas where I would have been homeless and it was like a million degrees in the summer. So I was like whatever, I'll give this sobriety thing a try. But yeah, one thing that I often think about when I think about those first few months sober, I was still really suicidal. For a lot of us, the drugs and the alcohol, I think Russell Brand talks about it in his book and he worded it perfectly. For a lot of us, the drugs and alcohol were the only thing that were keeping us going. Like the only thing I had to look forward to was getting that next high. You know what I'm saying? So once I was taken away from me in my early recovery, I was absolutely miserable. And I stuck around. I just didn't pick up one day at a time. And you know, I finally got hope. I started hearing stories from other people who had been through what I had been through. And I started to get a little bit of hope that not only did I not have to pick up a drink or a drug again, but maybe my life could get better. So the first year, two years of my sobriety were really rough. Like the first year was the hardest year of my life. The second year was harder than the first year. All right, so I'm sorry for any of you out there who just got sober. Like that's just my experience, but I've heard other people share it too. My second year was even harder than my first year. Like my first year was just like just stay sober. My second year was like rebuilding my life. Like I moved back to Las Vegas and started being a father to my son again and everything like that. But anyways, for the next five years, like things went really good for me. Like I don't want to give the impression that things weren't hard. Like I was still riding the bus in my first couple of years of sobriety. I was broke. I was living paycheck to paycheck. I was working at a job that paid like $20,000 a year, right? But like the thing was like it was slowly coming together. My family was starting to trust me again. My friends were starting to trust me again. I had my son back in my life in my act of addiction. I learned that money is not something that would make me happy, right? So even though I wasn't making that much money, I was happy with what I had. Like I was living in the hood in this ghetto little apartment. And for a long time, all I had, all I had in my bedroom was a mattress on the floor. All right? And a card table, like one of those full-out card tables with a laptop on it. So even when my son came over for the weekend, all we did was just sit there and just watch like Adventure Time or Regular Show all day long. Because I had nothing else and no car and we couldn't go anywhere, right? But like I was happier than I'd ever been. But as time went on, things started getting better. Like opportunities were presenting themselves. After two years sober, I realized that I wanted to help other people, right? Like I realized like if I can be this happy with two years sober and not have that much, like why aren't I out there helping people who are struggling with addiction and think that they can never get sober. They think that life's going to suck or you know whatever it is. And I was eventually presented with the opportunity to work at a drug and alcohol treatment center. And like my whole job was helping other people trying to get sober and other people who are struggling with mental illnesses like anxiety, depression, trauma. So many other things and like how much better can it get, right? And I went into work every day just you know even though there were things like I didn't really like about the company. Like my actual job like getting to meet with other people and help them every day was just so amazing. Like I can't even put it into words. It was just so incredible. And anyways last year, well that was a last year. So I was at that rehab for three years and they started downsizing and everything like that and they had to get rid of a lot of people and they eliminated my position at the rehab. So they had to let me go but it was on very good terms. You know I got a little severance to live off of and you know they said if I ever wanted to come back and things were better you know with the company like don't hesitate to talk to them. And I eventually actually this summer I went back and I volunteered there on a weekly basis and did groups like I used to back in the day and just shared my story or I would you know do like big book studies and things like that. But anyways last year I lost that job and I had you know probably enough money saved up for a month or two right and at that time my YouTube channel it wasn't doing amazing. I think I had like four or five thousand subscribers right but I made my channel so I could help more people because I knew how many people couldn't go to rehab or couldn't get therapy or couldn't you know find a support group or whatever. So I'm like you know what I want to make a YouTube channel so people can watch free content and when I lost that job I was like okay do I look for another job or do I pursue my dream of you know trying to be an entrepreneur and working for myself like I have just not been the person who's wired to work for other people and it was incredible. It was amazing. At that time the Shane Dawson Jake Paul series started I was doing mental health breakdowns of that series and my channel started to explode Shane Dawson put me in his video and things started rapidly growing. So in October so a year ago today I had about 18,000 subscribers and things took off. I think by the end of 2018 I hit 60,000 subscribers 60 or 70,000 subscribers. By January or February you know February of this year I hit 100,000 subscribers. Things were going so well for me and you guys are like sitting here you're like wait Chris this is this is all good things what do you mean you wanted to relapse. Well as my channel is going this is what you guys are going to think I'm crazy okay but like I don't think I've ever tried to give you guys the impression that I'm not still a little crazy I'm just less crazier than I used to be but anyways during that time during that like five year period as my life was getting better and as I'm trying to help people like I started to realize that like there was this disconnect between me and who I was trying to help right like my life was going so good I'm like I can't I can't help these people as much as possible because I don't even remember what it was like to suffer that much like I remember when I first got sober when I first got sober like there's a lot of people who have different like you know ways that they get sober and who they want to turn to who they want to get advice from like some people when they get sober they want to find somebody with like 10 15 years of sobriety right but like when I first got sober like I didn't want to talk to people with 10 15 years of sobriety like getting to 10 or 15 years sober was like telling me that one day I'll be able to like fly to the moon right I was like that is just impossible so I surrounded myself with people who had a year sober two years sober three years sober when I was in meetings the most inspiration I got was from people who were like six months sober right because that was achievable like that was possible right so I couldn't relate to the people who just felt so far away from the point where I was at even my first sponsor when I got him he only had three years sober because I knew that guy could remember the pain and suffering that I've been through so as I continued to stay sober as my life continued to get better like I remember feeling feeling guilty this is so crazy to share this with all of you I remember feeling guilty about how good my life was going and I'm like I'm sitting here and I'm like are people even gonna listen to me and my mental health advice or experience or whatever like I like if I were in other people's positions like if they were going through a hard time I'd look at me and be like what's this jack hole remember about like suffering and everything you know what I mean like what's he know so I I thought I thought okay this thought crossed my mind multiple times when things are going well and it was just like man like I almost I almost want to relapse to go back to the start and experience that pain and suffering and just rebuild this thing and maybe I'll be able to help people even better like how crazy is that thought but I want to make it very clear see I never liked the people who were like oh I haven't thought about a drink or a drug in like 20 years I'm like get out of here like I'm a recovering drug addict and alcoholic living in Las Vegas that stuff crosses my mind on the regular like even going into a grocery store walking past the pharmacy I'm like what kind of pills you got back there you know what I mean but here's a thing like I want to make this very clear it's a fleeting thought so that thought of like maybe I should relapse and you know just rebuild this thing and so I can relate to people more like it was a fleeting thought like whenever that's the first thought the second thought of media is like no Chris you'll die and you'll lose everything and all of that stuff right but here's the kicker here's a kicker and it's hilarious like I wanted to make this video because I think it ties in perfectly with the video I made it yesterday atheist reacts to Trisha Payness calling out fake Christians because like I said like I'm spiritual not religious but like oh my god like right after everything was going well this meteoric rise right everything came crumbling down that is when I got canceled by the YouTube community by the Internet and everything like that and yeah like it all came crashing down and I got through it here I am today six months later but anyways without even without even having to relapse like if for some reason we find out you know scientifically that there is a God right he's probably gonna talk some crap to me like oh Chris you wanted to suffer a little bit so you can relate to people here you go you know what I mean like I it happened it happened and like I didn't have to relapse to get knocked back down but what a humbling experience and this year has been like legit the toughest year of my life since those first two years I was telling you about sober like there is nothing that can prepare you for hundreds of thousands of people coming after you and don't get me wrong there were plenty of times where I screwed up and my ego got in the way and part of it is like what I was talking about like things were going so well for me like I thought I was invincible so I deserved a lot of it but but still like I wasn't prepared for it I didn't really think about drinking or using at all like I've been through so much in my life that this was just something where I'm like Chris this is gonna suck for a long time like you know when you got to just go through something maybe it's like the holidays are coming up so maybe it's like you got to go to a family dinner and you're not really a fan of your family but you're just like just get through this it's just a small period of your life right and that's the way I've been trying to look at this situation is just this is a certain period of my life but you know those of you who follow my channel couple wait wait no it's like last week I was like I've wasted the last six months of my life like I sat in this thing and you know my channel was going all these different directions trying to rediscover myself I lost my passion for helping people and everything like that and finally I pulled my head out of my butt and I was like you know Chris like you've got to you got to help people you know so there's something that we call an emotional relapse and that's definitely something that I went through right like something that for those of you who are in recovery something that gets tossed around all the time is calling people a dry drunk and everything like that I used to love doing that myself but but yeah like I look at it as as an emotional relapse and I got into a really dark space for a long time even though I was still like moving and moving forward and going through the motions and everything like that but I finally I finally feel more like myself again and as crazy as it is as crazy as it is and here's the takeaway alright here's the takeaway I'm grateful for this entire experience for a multitude of reasons and if you take anything away from this video that's what I want you to take away like I try to look at this whole thing I've been through just like every other experience of adversity that I've been through and I look at it and I say I know that's making me stronger right and something that I learned in recovery was that my experience my story the things I've been through no matter how much they suck they might be able to benefit somebody else you know what I mean so I'm grateful for this experience if if you ask me right now if somebody some magical wizard said hey Chris you want to just cut that part out and just keep on that that good rise I don't know if I would because I know today that I'm stronger than I was at the beginning of this year right or even last year or two years ago when things were just going well for me you know what I'm saying and I think a lot of us we get this really narrow view on what's going on in our lives and we can't see the bigger picture right like this was six months of my life okay I'm 34 years old alright so like six months is like me that much like where am I going to be next year where am I going to be two years from now right and one of the reasons I haven't given up and no matter how many crappy comments I get like delete your channel bro you're failing look at all the subscribers you're losing look at all the views you're not getting right like I well part of me is like I like proving people wrong but I really hope a lot of you watching my stuff like you look at this you like Jesus if Chris isn't giving up like why am I going to give up you know what I mean like that's that's my hope for all of you like whether you love me or hate me like if you don't get anything else from my videos I want you to know that I'm a guy just like you I struggle with anxiety I struggle with depression I had a you know a crazy childhood with a lot of traumatic experiences right I'm a guy trying to stay sober one day at a time I'm somebody who's trying to pay my bills while also doing YouTube which pays me barely anything right and I want you to look at it and say like if that guy can keep moving forward what can I get through because I'm letting you know right now and you probably already got the memo I'm not that special I'm not that special at all so if I can get through this stuff what can you get through you know what I mean and that's one of the reasons I want to share this story with you all right but anyways this video is longer than I expected I hope you enjoyed it if you like the video please give it a thumbs up if you're new make sure you subscribe and ring that notification bell because I am here to help you out I go through insane crazy experiences just so I can help you that is my mission in life so make sure you subscribe and ring that notification bell and before I let you go I want to send that a huge thank you to everybody who supports the channel over on Patreon as well as everybody who supports the channel by buying the mental health books that I've written as well as my merch and all that other kind of stuff alright and stay tuned for merch because it's hoodie season and we're going to put out some hoodies baby alright but anyways that's all I got for this video thanks for watching I'll see you next time