 The Avid and Costello program brought to you by Camel, the cigarette of costlier, properly aged tobaccos. See if your throat and your taste don't make Camel a first with you, too. Find out for yourself. Listen to the great rhythms of Will Augbernany's orchestra, the swingy singing of Connie Hayes. And that dumpy, dumpling-head little diplomat, who, when he heard that Mussolini and Hitler were dead, had this to say. Hey, Costello, it's about time you got here. What were you doing at the music shop down on the corner? Oh, I would have needed to get a record of that song about Molotov. A song about the great Russian diplomat? Molotov? Yeah. What is it called? I came here to talk for Joe. I know you're getting dumber every day. I think you could tell everything you know in five minutes. I could tell everything that both of us know and it wouldn't take any longer. Ah, no. Never mind that, Costello. You've been acting very peculiar since we started our picture at the MGM. This is going to kill a lot of people. Yes. I'm afraid you're getting very conceited. I am not conceited. I'm the same talented, lovable, high-class, big shot I've always been. I was right. You are stuck up. Why, yesterday, you even autographed one of your own pictures and two yourself. Well, I had to do it, Abbot. I always wanted a picture of me. What did you write on that picture? With love, from one handsome guy to another. Costello, you are a swell-headed, pompous, egomaniac. Abbot, I wish you'd tell that to my scout master. Why? He takes on a joke. Oh. Costello, you are becoming impossible. Everybody at the studio is talking about you. Yeah, but they all say a nice thing. Yeah, I wonder. Sylvan Simon, Martin Gargile, they're all speaking so nice of me. Just yesterday, Margot O'Brien paid me a compliment. Margot O'Brien is just a little child, and I heard what she said to you. You did? Yes. Margot O'Brien said you had a face that only a mother could love. Yeah, but did you ever see her mother? No. Costello. Banana! You know, the way you've been chasing the girls at the studio set is disgraceful. Those actresses don't want to be bothered with you. You're not the romantic type. Oh, is that so? Well, Judy Garland, she thinks I'm a great romantic lover. She said I reminded her of Rooney. Judy Garland said you reminded her of Rooney? Well, she didn't use them words, but she said every time I kissed her it was like getting a Mickey. Listen, Costello, you're a comedian. You'll never be a lover in pictures with your face. Now, what's wrong with my face? I'm getting prettier every day. I'm getting so pretty that I'm even making my own mother jealous. Oh, Costello, how could you make your mother jealous? She looks at me and gets jealous that you're her mother's. No, nobody is jealous of you. Why, even your new girl, Mabel Mustard Plaster, doesn't give a hoot about you. Is that so? Yes. Well, it so happens, Abbott, that Mabel Mustard Plaster is stuck on me. Last night, her... I don't get it. It so happens that last night, her and me sat in front of the fireplace and watched the coals turn red. Do you know what made those coals turn red? I don't know. I don't know. Tell me, Costello, when you first met Mabel, were you infatuated? No, but she was about half-plastered. Costello, you don't understand. I mean, when you started to woo Mabel, were you smitten? Oh, certainly I was smitten. We were both smitten. You don't think I woo standing up to you? No, no, no, no. Oh, you idiot. I was smitten right by the... Please, I didn't say smitten. I said smitten. When you held hands with Mabel the first time, were you smitten? No, sir. You weren't smitten? No, when I hold hands with a girl, I don't wear no smittens. Now, look, Costello, I'm only trying to find out how you feel about Mabel musted-plastered. Now, if you were smitten with a girl, you might hanker for her. Did you ever hanker for her? I even hankered with her. Oh, no, I didn't. You sap. How could you hanker for a girl? Well, it happened last Sunday, Abbot. Mabel and I got on a roadboat and rode way out to the end of the point, yes. And we hankered there all day. Why did we have fun? I wasn't even wearing my smittens. It wasn't cold. No, no, no. No, Costello, you're confusing the issue. You're talking about hankering a boat, and I'm talking about hankering for a girl. Now, hankering is like yearning. Tell me, are you yearning for Mabel? No, sir, I'm yearning for myself and my father. You yearn for yourself and your father? Yeah, I make $20 a week, and my father takes half of what I yearn. No. Costello, when I say yearn, I don't mean yearn like in earning. I mean yearn like in yearning. And to yearn, you must be smitten. If you are smitten, that constitutes infatuation. Now, you've got it. Now, I don't even know what I'm talking about! Costello, forget about being a dramatic actor. You'll never be as successful as a lady's. Oh, no, well, for your information, Mr. Rabbit, there's a dozen women in Hollywood tearing their hair out just to have a date with me. Well, why don't you go out with them? Who wants to go out with bald-headed women? Oh, get me out of here! A soldier in Okinawa is lighting a camel, and so is the soldier in Stuttgart, and a welder in D.C. and a welder in D.C. and a debutante in New York and her grandmother. And each of these camels and millions of others the world around are delivering the rich, full flavor and cool mildness always associated with the name of camel. The flavor and mildness of a superb blend of costlier tobaccos now, as always. For this brand will not be sold down the river. War or peace, camels are still camels. In spite of the pressure of these times, the fantastic demand for more and more of the world around us is still growing. The world around us, the fantastic demand for more and more billions of camels, costlier tobaccos properly aged and blended in the time-honored camel way are being used. Why camels just wouldn't be camels if green, insufficiently cured tobaccos were used. So ask for camels every time you buy cigarettes. Camels, still the cigarette of costlier tobaccos. Folks, last week at rehearsal a young fellow walked in the studio and started singing. And nobody stopped him. Up until a short time ago, he was an aerial gunner and a B-17. And nobody stopped him there either. And after you folks hear him tonight, I don't think you'll ever want him to stop. Ex aerial gunner Bob Matthews with Will Osburn and the orchestra. Things for our camel fans. Should camp, I should go. But for a dream. Hey pictures, no more. I'm too pretty to be hanging off the back of fire wagons. Getting basketballs bounced off of my head and having oyster squirtin' milk in my puss. Oh, calm down. No more! Calm down, Gastella. Never mind. Listen, no more of that now. Look, you're a comedian. You can be a dramatic actor. That takes training and background. Oh, I got that habit. My whole family was high-class actors. My Aunt Minnie was a fan dancer. A fan dancer? Yeah, and one time when Aunt Minnie was doing a fan dance, they dropped their fans. And what happened? The mouse fainted. Did they get rid of the mouse? Huh? Did they get rid of the mouse? No, he had a ticket. They couldn't put him out. Ah, look, Gastella, please. You don't understand. I'm talking about dramatic background like I've got. Why, when I was 12 years old, I was with the Abbey players of Ireland. That's nothing. When I was 12 years old, I was with the Hookie players of Paterson. Come in. I beg your pardon. Which one of you is Luke Costello, the great actor? That's me. Mr. Costello, please face my camera and give me a big smile. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Costello. And don't forget to look in the paper tomorrow morning. Will my picture be in? No, but Dick Tracy's in the terrible math. I'll put that guy as Liesl's brother at Chicken Punks. Hello, yes, this is Bud Abbott. Okay, I'll tell Castello. Hey, that was Universal Studio. They said they won't be able to complete our latest picture of the 1990s until they are able to secure a dramatic actress to play the final scene. They said that Betty Davis, Catherine Hepburn, Joan Fontaine and all the other dramatic actresses are busy and our picture will have to wait. Did they realize that this is a half-hour program? Why, what's wrong? They said all that just now? Yes. We must be running overtime, brother. Never mind that. Costello, this is your big chance to prove your acting ability. I'm going to get you some women's clothes. Take you to the studio and we'll see if you're good enough to pull the director into letting you do the final scene. But they'll recognize me. They know all the dramatic actresses. Yes, but they don't know all the South American dramatic actresses. Oh, I get it. You want me to be another common veranda? That's common veranda. With my shape, it's veranda. Some people even think I'm a stoop. All right, look, come on, Costello. I'll take you to Professor Mellonhead, School of Spanish Acting, and have him coach you for the part. To the School of Spanish Acting gentlemen, I am Senior Mellonhead. I've seen your Mellonhead around here for ten weeks and it's starting to get right. Now, Costello, I'm surprised at you. Senior Mellonhead is a great artist. Then why don't he have... Where are my mixed up? Never mind, he said I was... I got it, I got it, thank you. Then why don't he paint next line? What's the matter with my head? Your scarf runs all the way down to your heels. Is that so? Young man, I'll have you know, Costello, before I married my wife, I had hair as black as the ace of spades. Looks like your wife trumped your ace. Mellonhead, was your whole family bald? No, not exactly. Of course, for many years, my mother did have a rat in her hair. That's no way to talk about your father. Costello, be quiet, Senior Mellonhead. Costello wants to play the part of a pretty Spanish girl. Now, can you coach him? Can I coach him? Gentlemen, I am the greatest authority on Spanish customs. Why, I've even been a bullfighter. In my native Spain, I used to enter the arena like a methador. I faced the bull like a picador and I fought the bull like a toreador. And they carried you out like a cuspador. Shut up, Costello. Mr. Mellonhead, could you start Costello's lessons right now? Why, of course, I'll start his lessons immediately. Here, on this piece of paper is a simple Spanish phrase. Read it, please. Okay. Muches gracious, amigo? No, no, no, not gracious. That word is gratias. You see, in Spanish, the C is pronounced T-H. Gratias. The C-T-H. You see? Would your mind put your head some... Get over there! In Spanish, the T-H. In Spanish, it's pronounced T-H. That's right. It's a good thing we don't have that in English. Can you imagine Bing Throsby and Gary Thuper taking floret, cold dirt in a restaurant and ordering three sapsasofi and three pieces of sauce in a mustard pie? That's great! I don't know. Look, let's talk sense. Come on, let's get on with the lessons. Very well, Mr. Abbott. Now, Castello, we'll say that you, you are a lovely Spanish senorita. You meet a gay caballero at your fiesta. Now, when he sees you, he playfully clicks his castanets and then he bangs his maracas together. He does? Yes. And do you know what you do? Yeah, I hit him over the head with my fiesta. You do nothing of the sort. You invite him. Look, you invite him into your home and you cook him a delicious Spanish meal in your patio. Can you remember that? I can remember when I didn't have a patio to cook in. Now. All right, now, Castello, while you're cooking the meal, the caballero strolls into your kitchen. He admires your free food. He admires your free holy. He slyly sprinkles... He slyly sprinkles cheese on your tortillas and then he pushes your enchiladas on the back of the hot stove. He wouldn't dare. Just a minute, just a... What's the matter, Castello? Mellonhead, this time you have gone too far. I didn't mind when that cab driver clicked his gasket. I said nothing when he banged his bazookas together, right in my fiesta. But when you make him push my poor old anti-lotties on the back of a hot stove, you have not only a pewter, my good name, but you have cast a smirk on the good neighbor policy much as precious without a TH and that's that. Oh, get him out of here. Figure it this way. Suppose you were in Germany now. Sure, maybe the big battle phase of the war is over, but there's still plenty of dirty fighting ahead. Long, weary slugging. You're standing at what used to be a street corner in a smashed Nazi town, and a GI comes up to you and says, how's first cigarette, bud? Would you give him one? And how you would? Why, you would even give him the last one in your pack. And that, folks, is the thing to remember when you, causally here at home, can't get all the camels you want. You are giving your camels to that fighting pal of yours in Germany or wherever else on the global war map he may be. Yes, it's the service first. Army, Navy, Marines and Coast Guard, wherever they go in their winning of the war, they have first call on camels. Sleep, A-M-P-L-F. The service first. Lovely Connie Haynes brings her camel fans one of the most popular songs of the day. With Will Osburn and the orchestra, Connie sings... Every time, every time, every dog on time, I fall in love. Get us shoving around every time. I'm gonna learn to be a hermit. And live in a hermit's cave until I lose all my bridges behind me. I'm gonna hate all you men. You can look, but you'll never find me. Behind the eight-ball, again. Cause every time, every time, every dog on time, I fall in love. Gonna burn my bridges behind me. I'm gonna hate all your men. You can look, but you'll never find me. Behind the eight-ball, and every time, every dog on... Now remember, you're dressed like a Spanish lady, so act like one. And please, straighten up, you're all stooped over. I can't help it, it's a long pull from my gut to my shucks. Quiet, quiet, now remember, Castellas, it's your chance to prove to the director, Mr. Teknikolovich, that you're a great actress. Come on. And who is this beautiful young lady with you? Mr. Teknikolovich, allow me to introduce the famous South American actress, Louisa Castellio. Ah, Sr. Teknikolovich. Hey, she and the Buenos Aires La Cienica, Sunset Vine. The senorita does not speak English. Not a word. Mr. Average, she is wonderful. She is the most beautiful girl I have seen since I left home. No wonder he left home. But, senorita, a moment ago, you didn't speak English. Oh, senorita, you are ravishing. This is the first time I ever saw a leading lady... Stop looking at me with those eyes, brother! But it's still the first time I ever saw a leading lady with muscles. Tonight, I will take you to dinner, yes? Yes. Then I take you to the theater, yes? Yes. And after that, I take you to my apartment, yes? No. Senorita, I have something to show you. I have etchings. You have etchings, then scratch yourself, but I'm getting out of here. See me out. Now, wait a minute, senorita. Mr. Technicolor, she's a great director. He can make you a star. I will give her the little bit's touch. If he lays a finger on me, I'll scream. Get a finger on me. We will make a scream test. A scream test immediately. Hey, Evan, this is what I've been waiting for. No more comedy for me. Nice, dignified acting. Now, quiet. Now, we will take the scene. Senorita, this is a love triangle. You will play the part of the other woman. Why can't the other woman play her own part? Now, be quiet. I mean, I don't want to take some other poor woman's job away. Now, quiet, please. I mean, but after all, I'm... Now, the scene opens with you in the arms of your lover. Action. Ah, my fiery Latin beauty. Let me put my arms around your waist. You think you can make it? Ah, you are so gorgeous. You have the kind of hair I love to touch. You have the kind of eyes I love to gaze into. You have the kind of lips I love to kiss. You have the kind of throat that I love to... Cut! Senorita, you are too cold. Have you never been in love? What do you do when a man tries to kiss you? I'd felt him in a kisser. Will you be quiet? I mean, but I'm only trying to tell you that there's a limit. Now, continue the scene. Camera, action. You big, strong man. Let me take you in my arms. Senorita, please, don't bend the actors. But I was only... Quiet! I mean, I was just... Quiet! I mean, after all... Dad is Sylvan Simon if I ever seen a guy. Now, the jealous wife comes in and catches you making love to her husband. I'm behind my back. You Latin cheater, where's my gun? Oh, wait a minute, Matilda. Put down that gun. Senorita and I love each other until death. You was part. And I think that's what's gonna part us. Hey, Abbot, please take me back to funny pictures. Oh, you're doing great, Castel. You'll never have to do slapstick comedy again. No more rough stuff. No more pulling down to get laughs. No more getting pies thrown into your face. All right, quiet. He was only trying to... Shut up! Continue the scene. Camera. Oh, you fat double-crossing husband-stealer. It's my pie. Thanks to the Anks of the Week, tonight we salute Staff Sergeant Raymond Simmons of Decatur, Illinois. In a Philippine battle, he killed seven Japs with his rifle and wounded several others. Then he was wounded, too. For two days, the Japs left him lying in the blazing sun, left him there as bait for rescue parties they could shoot down. On the second night, however, though critically wounded, he pulled out and escaped back to her own land. In your honor, Sergeant Simmons, the makers of camels are sending to our fighters overseas 500,000 camel cigarettes. Each of the two camel radio shows honors a yank of the week by sending free 500,000 camel cigarettes overseas. A total of more than a million camels sent free each week. Camel broadcasts go out to the United States twice a week. Our rebroadcast to practically every area in the world where our men are fighting and in cooperation with the Good Neighbor Policy, also to Central and South America. Listen again next Thursday to Abbot N. Costello. As General Eisenhower has said, every man in this Allied command is quick to express his admiration for the loyalty, courage and fortitude of the officers and men of the Merchant Marine. Now skilled seamen and experienced officers are needed more than ever before for the final push to victory. This is vital. This is an emergency. No beginners, but skilled experienced men. Wire collect Merchant Marine Washington, D.C., giving your rating, license and address. And now, here are Abbot N. Costello with a final word. How did you like your experience as a dramatic star? Abbot, you can have that dramatic stuff. I'll stick to scookin'. What's scookin'? Nothing much. What's cookin' with you? Oh, get him outta here. Good night, folks. Good night. Good night, everybody. Folks, be sure to tune in next week for another great Abbot N. Costello show brought to you by Camel Cigarettes. And remember, camels are worth asking for every time. See for yourself how Camel's mildness, coolness and flavor flick with you. Science is wonderful and all that, but one thing they haven't got around to yet is what I'd like to call smellivation. Rather how I'd like to be able to waft the fragrance of Prince Albert's smoke over this microphone and write to your critical nostrils. Then I wouldn't have to say a word. You'd just head straight for the nearest package of Prince Albert and load up your pet pipe. And you'd find not only fragrance, but flavor. It's a rich, full-bodied, real, he-man tobacco flavor. But no tongue bite, no sir. Because Prince Albert gets special no-bite treatment that gets cheers from your tongue. Crimp cut, too, for perfect packing, easy drawing, and even burning. And a beaut of a bargain, Prince Albert, just about 50 pipe fools per package. Saturday night, be sure to listen to Prince Albert's Grand Ole Opry for nearly 19 years, bringing the real, authoritative American folk music and fun to Southern radio audiences and now broadcast coast to coast. Remember Grand Ole Opry every Saturday night on NBC. The Aberdeen Costello show for camel cigarettes will be back at this very same time next week. Don't miss it. This is Ken Niles and...