 Mulan, a film that came out in 1998, Jesus, I was of the five years old, a time before the beard. I remember Mulan releasing though. So I guess I was pretty active still and I was like, yeah, movies. And then the Disney nation attacked and started giving us modern covers of these movies. What was the first one? Was it Jungle Book? No. Cinderella? No, I'm pretty sure it was Jungle Book. Okay. Well, either way, I've avoided most of them. I think what about Snow White? That came first. Have they done? Yeah, I've done that yet. They probably will though. Yeah, I don't think. Do you think they're avoiding that one? Because isn't she saved by a kiss from a prince? Whatever. Oh, I have to change it to a family member again, like a sister. Oh, yeah, if it was a lesbian kiss, it'd be all right. Yeah, I'm not against it. So I always felt The Lion King was the end. I was like, right, you guys, that's it, you've gone too far. It's over. But then Mulan happened. And there's just all kinds of controversies with how this film was starting up, like people talking about it and different things happening. And then COVID happened. So it couldn't come out in theaters. And I think they gave up and they were like, fuck it, streaming service slap. Isn't it like you couldn't get the streaming service on its own, but you have to pay extra to watch this one as well. Yes, 30 bucks, I think it was. Who the fuck's gonna do it? I don't know. Proconsumer, everyone. The thing about this is that we won't get the real numbers for how it's doing from these things. They don't release them, right? So we'll just have to go with whatever it said, but oh, it was great. It was successful. Shut up. You think like it would stop them? It's not gonna. Lion King was way too successful. It made like a bazillion dollars. So all the money will watch anything. I'm pretty convinced that your kids do. It's one of those things where they just they just think of the original while watching it. And they're like, this is great. Sounds like Star Wars. Speaking of that process, we're here today to watch Mulan 98 and then Mulan 2020, just to see how they compare 22 years apart. I wonder if anything's changed. Oh, I'm sure that as time goes on and we learn more about the craft, we can hone our skills and it's only getting better and better. Yay. Isn't it wonderful? We live in a world where most movies are great. Yes. Like wait a minute. Yeah, that's that's about it. Um, it's everybody got Mulan one. Derek, we can call them Mulan one. I've got Mulan one. Is it all ready to go? I am indeed. I have got the Mulan one. All right, go. How exciting. I'm very excited. Remember when China wasn't shit? I don't. Like aren't they restricted to like a two child household? I don't think that exists anymore. Yeah, I don't know. The incredibly benevolent, benevolent, tyrannical, totalitarian communist government are allowing you to have more kids now. Yay. Well, I guess you guys are not getting any Chinese sponsors anymore. Yeah, animations. I'm already thinking we need this in live action. What are you guys? Yeah, well, they're never going to build a real massive great wall of China. Wow, what a trick. That is an unhappy bit. He's like, thank god my man bun is still here. That's got a 20, 20 years up a rope bag. I was supposed to say like, huh, what a weird hook. Oh, at this point, you're like, okay, now it's time to go for knives. Oh, no, how'd you get in there? Where are your grappling hooks? Oh, there's that's boss man, right? This is, this is Alex Jones. Now all of China knows you're here. My children aren't going hungry. I will eat your ass first. That was a quick cut. Well, this is the thing that got no time to lose. This film is an hour and 27 minutes. Impossible. No one can get through the great wall. It's Batman's Uncle. Little brother. Oh man. How everything flows when it's all drawn. I miss it. Not only is this the beloved family pet, but this is China. So he's also emergency rations. Oh my God. No, he's just dead. And then the chicken. This would be seen as insulting the Chinese today, shitting all over their beliefs. The matchmaker is not a patient. Look at their eyes. How recent. Oh man. Once Asian women hit, you know, 40 is just what happens, you know? Oh, this cricket under the water for five minutes to see if he's lucky. These are like the two evil arms from that James and the Giant Peach movie. There's three of them though. And then there's an old one. We don't talk about her. Wow, Mary Sue. So if there's anything wrong with your measurements, just let us know before you go on out. Be great. Did you just attach a cricket to her ass? Yeah. Okay. They're all this is the Twitch thought Academy. Is that a cricket on your ass? He looks like a Simpsons character. She's eaten several people. If you don't get a husband, then you become my dinner with Chinese. We'll eat anything. We cite that. Oh my God. Reminds me of Toy Story 4. Now that he's fucked things up, I think that's going to be there. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. I can't get the shit out of that toy. This way. I need you to wipe off my neck sweat. Remember to get in between the folds. Or else I'll just have to start again in two minutes. Oh my God. No, don't do it. Take that back. One moment. I just want to put a little lord in for you. Why you clumsy? She's like a Simpsons. Why you little? This is probably for the best. Oh, no. I think it's going well. Don't care. Everybody just standing outside. Put it out. Put it out. You are a disgrace. You made it. Oh, that was the stock sound. You will never bring your family honor. Well, I mean, if a lot comes now, you might as well just beat her ass. Coming from you. It's just the creature. And where's your husband, bitch? I think we need a sad song now. Where is your fucking husband? Oh, did you fuck it up again? It looks like a horse. You kids today with your new values. Okay. At this point, it'll be like, maybe you should pursue singing. Pretty good. Actually, everybody in town should do that. Yeah, you guys, not bad. Oh, two face. Wow, yellow face. Some shiny ass gravestones. You gotta keep polished. I'm a really short people. You done with your song, honey? A lot of people would like to hear that. One man from every family must serve in the Imperial Army. He's like the Lee family and half the village steps forward. Report tomorrow to the Wu Xiang camp. Yes, sir. Report tomorrow to the Wu Xiang camp. Report tomorrow to the... His staff is tiny. I cut my finger. So when I was young, I thought that this was him pretending to die, like practicing on dying. He's like, oh, and he pretends to die. He tried to get out of service. Like, oh, I died. I was like, oh, yeah, that's right. He's an old buddy. So you'll die for honor. I will die doing what's right. I know my place. It is time you learned yours. Wow. Yeah, Mulan. Mulan, what happens if we don't have fucking soldiers? What happens? You don't get your fucking cricket and you're singing. Yeah, bitch. You're gonna have to be, you're gonna be, you're gonna be, you're gonna be speaking Hun or German. Oh no, not German. Anything but German. Don't touch me. You don't get it up anymore. Sorry, blame the Huns. Yeah, what am I supposed to do? Is this my fucking fault? Fucking bitch. It's like some 80s montage music. I was gonna say, yeah. Music feels out of place, but at the same time, I'm cool with it. Will you replace your father in the army? No. Your hair has your power. Tie it back with the rain. God is gone. She has the force. Grandma's force sensitive. Grandma had you know it. She stole my shit. She's like Batwoman. Oh my God. Just like women. They're cleaned. Oh, this sort of proves my point. And sisters. Grandma looking spicy with that hair down. No, no, no, stop. You ruined enough grandma. Yeah, best character. Moosh Awaken Anybody who's foolish enough to threaten our family Damn it, Ethel even dead I was gonna say Well, we can all be acupuncturists No! Your great granddaughter had to be a cross-dresser! Oh my god! No! Your misguidance led Fartane to disaster Yeah, thanks a lot Oh my god Yo, Rocky! Wake up! You gotta go fetch Milan! I can't remember, does he accidentally kill it or something? Yeah I'm not even gonna pretend to know how that works Yeah But just so we're clear, that is murder there, right? Yes, he has killed the ghost Oh, he's dead too I'm doomed! An all-cost mis-man Decides to take a little drag show on the road Oh no What do you mean a loser? How about if I pop one of your antennas off and throw it across the yard, then who's a loser? Me or you? Oh, what a cut These two cartoon characters chillin' out with each other then suddenly death Those horses are badass How come we got the shitty one? With the tiny head Oh, they got their eyes or like yellows? Oh my god, that guy's like Abby Even the horses are easy How are your eyes like that? Please don't kill me, this is a kids movie Tell your emperor to send his strongest armies Yeah, but this is old Disney, they killed people I know, that's what I miss How many men does it take to deliver a message? Why? Oh, that guy looks like he's been having the meth Oh yeah, I think I've all been having the meth How have they been winning? They're all coked out No armor They're indestructible moosh They're indestructible moosh Pretty high man Oh my god Wow My eyes can see straight through your armor This honor, this honor on your whole family Make a note of this, this honor on you This honor on you This is honor on you It's such a good character Now slap them on the behind, they like that They like It's so hard, it'll make your ants Does it yow Relax Chinese warrior iced tea I forgot the giant baby character I've got a name And it's a boy's name too Ling, how about Ling? His name is Ling Ling in China, oh my god Yes My name is Ping He doesn't talk about me much He doesn't talk about me much After the accident with my brother Pong I can see why the boy's an absolute loser This represents discipline And this represents strength You need both to reach the arrow Attach the stone They can inspire me from the ground sir Oh my god How do you tell us what to do then we do it That sounded good It's a legend of Zelda I'll make a man out of you That is just not happening in the new one Well I'm being clever Like a soldier should be Fucking troll face In case you need to catch fish on the battlefield She just puts it back in Oh jeez Oh no it's like load of the rig is a little broken Oh no Maybe if I left these on the ground Oh Not bad Jesus I was there Throw that arrow and I was just filled with inspiration Oh my god Oh jeez He's not actually doing it Dude he's gained confidence He's running confidently Which means he won't get shot in the ass I love the idea that he's getting shot during that He's like oh well I'll give a fuck Can I just say that that was such a fantastic musical number though Yeah it's so good I can't wait to see what the new version of it is I was going to say I've seen this film In what feels like more than 15 years And I'm pretty happy so far It's so good I've been smiling the whole time We can avoid them easily God it's sleaze back into We sell death stick then Hello chimpo Wow we have a very short yet thick penis chimpo Imagine the other junk rubbing against his back Why do you imagine that first I just need a bunch of naked dudes crawling over each other You owe me big Those boys are no more fit to be soldiers Than you are to be captain Why are you a dick to everyone What's your whole goal here evil Yeah what is your motivation It's got a lot of repressed homosexuality And I do not squeal Like a girl What's the matter You've never seen a black and white before Excuse me I think the question is Who are you We're in a war man There's no time for stupid questions Snatch it right off your head I'm feeling great Oh man We were playing in the snow How did we see this so late And then the hunts come by later Like fuck your daddy's helmet Yeah they're like kick it over You can put it that deep That's fold it over anyway Tong shall pass He's trying to be Saruman I think No I was Gandalf No Saruman is the one Who does the big chanting No it's like none shall pass Except Tong shall pass Oh I thought you were talking about Caradres The pass in the mountain In mode of the rags you rev Literally No my fault you don't remember the scene Just like him too Tong shall pass None shall pass He did I got a side with rags What I said happens in the film too Just cause he was talking about someone else You're right Racist We did it we saved China That worked surprisingly well Sir there's eight of us There's like eight people Oh god It's the big villain There's a cliff behind us He has like a dog horse It's beautiful Yeah no give up To be fair if each one of us get like 612 Will be good Dude prepare to fight it's like no No I thought he's so angry My horse was like We went from like 50 huns Like 10,000 How come we can't go from 8 to 12,000 Did my dad not kill any of you guys Like how he's just now starting to run after her Yeah why did she do this I guess she's closer He let her run half way down Before he came after her Wow that fucker Fucking little bird He was three feet in front of you Me whenever I play any online games Talking to my friends He's not referring to us I'm sure of it Oh no my armor His helmet goes up I'm sure that's the end of that guy What they just stood there the whole time Those guys were the real heroes Their army really is 12 dudes Train the recruits All 12 of them Reenforced their positions Oh no You warned them about this Now pull them to safety Good job I feel like they've extended the length Of this area For this whole scene They're gonna hold a horse Yeah look at that That is one strong rope He just grabs all of them That is a dirty knot Yeah He's just holding on to it What are they holding the horse With Her thighs Yeah there it is that brown Ping Ping oh you've got a cramp You have to breathe exhale Good thing that the blood Waited until the end of the scene Dude this guy is really weird You'll not believe this The doctor comes out like I'm sorry He's a girl I mean we're pretty low on dudes I'm just saying 11 I dropped it But you can't just I said Move out You're a dirty little rat aren't you Only if it's a woman His character is just Evil He's just a cock He just don't know what he even wants So what happened So I killed like 80,000 huns They want to take the horse with them She's like no it's mine they're like oh That's technically true I mean property rights still do exist Maybe what I really wanted Was to prove I could do things right I just wanted to kill at least one person Not just the men The women and the children too I just wanted to see the Lightly rise as I stabbed him With my sword The truth is with both frauds Your ancestors never sent me I mean you risked your life to help People you love I risked your life to help myself At least you had good intentions Here go away with the character development What What do you mean you're not lucky You lied to me And what are you a sheep Started this thing together And that's how we'll finish it Good thing they got rid of him in the new one Yeah no one liked him Oh my god Seriously he has the fucking Sith eyes But worse It calls another avalanche Oh the meth one survived The pirates oh no Yo ho yo ho Can we be sure they're not zombies Well they were all waiting for him to yell Before they got out of there Can we go I don't want to be first They almost really hate China They just hate living people Do we check on the rest of the 12,000 No That's good enough time for a party We win The survivors of our army There are six of them We did it How come they weren't in the army They're busy prepping the potty They're all athletic enough Six This is so awkward We didn't really do anything The Huns are alive They're in the city Did you not hear me Dude I feel like I've just told you something very important I saved your life you dick You said you trust Ping Why is Mulan any different Mulan's a woman Keep your eyes open Shut the fuck up Where's Ping She puts her head back up Oh thank god Ping You were disguised I didn't notice I thought we lost you back there That dragon It's probably real Your father would have been very proud God damn it Dude Would have chopped off its claws to grab it Yeah Oh my goodness look at him Dude he's so evil Oh he wants the dragon How is that even possible He doesn't see Mulan screaming I fucking told you Luckily there's 7000 palace guards Oh damn it Yeah you'd think Oh there he is again cackling Oh he's fast Oh my look at that They'll never reach the emperor in time In time for what In time for dinner There's a buffet She's like they'll kill him in 2 minutes She has a HUD Time until emperor dies 2 minutes It's no time for scripties Oh my god it's the reverse I don't think they needed to dress up to do this today How come he didn't dress up Because he's cool I'm too fucking cool to be a girl You guys look lame Boo What is with this guy You're walls and armies have fallen He's even got fangs Who's there Oh it is a disguise okay You're buying You're buying You're buying It is a disguise okay Ugly Ugly The eagles look this clue Oh my god Wait you had a banana and an orange In your breath When you said they were ugly conkibles The math one No he's my favorite In pieces He just walked off He's like oh well He's careful He's like a demon Quick get that sword and stab him The giant one just fall on him and it's done He just sit on him Why would you said the giant one do that He's gonna break the rope As we've established China they've got the strongest ribs Come on Come on Come on Get over here You took away my victory I throw my shoe at you The soldier from the mountains That's me I fucking hate you a lot Stupid fucking firework That you threw into the mountain bitch Wait you just locked him in with your boyfriend It locks from that direction I guess it is outside What are these things made of Their rope is really strong But their fillers are shit They should have made the fillers out of rope How did you do that I don't know how he does anything This palace is made out of paper mache Paper mache I am ready baby What I like how he looked at it like what even is What Oh no It's like polar party Yay boss stab Oh Jesus That's how you kill him while Maintaining a PG rating Thanks for being there What flash of blood to just spring What the fireworks Shut up Karen She's a her oh You have saved us all Yay I think I've been away from home long enough Then Take this Take this Take this Take this Dad I brought you the emperor's beard Can we be sure the crazy goblin man is Dead though I should go check Is that breasts I'm feeling on my chest Fuck yeah Ever since the queen died 47 years ago You don't meet a girl like That every dynasty So we're just going to go Back to what we were doing Where my popcorn box Go get that pussy Oh I brought you the sword of Shanyu Who? Hey Who's that They're gifts He brought us the complete DVD box That collection of friends To honor the fall family It's probably racist jokes and friends now It's cancelled Cheers No that too It's even older My lawn Does Mulad live here? Mulad lived here Randy Stop that shit Would you like to stay for dinner? No Would you like to stay for dinner? No Would you like to stay for dinner? What? Mulan do you not see that? Oh it's the rabbit dog Oh no Well well The best thing you think we need a new vision of this Absolutely that was so bad To be fair if we did it again But without the things people like It'll be a hit The first thing we're moving The stupid annoying dragon character No one liked him That movie was so good I forgot how good it was It was a reminder of That Do we have to watch the bad movie? I mean Oh man I'm so tired I think I have a heart attack Ending credits music to the Chinese movie Need a saxophone solo I don't know Matthew Wilder did that Well it's Matthew Wilder too To be fair I'm really glad Stevie Wonder Didn't have to see the Mulan remake What fun Yeah that was awesome I expect the next one to be just as fun It probably will but in a different way It's 30 minutes longer So it's gonna have a lot more 30 minutes more fun Well I'm glad that's all we agreed to do today So So everyone ready? No Yeah I guess so Not often I willingly Install Chinese Malware Under my computer This will be great They spent loads of money on it It'll probably be good It'll have good special effects Well I'm ready Let's get this for you This is already worse I mean it's just funny because The update when it was that nice little i-card And now it's like It's stylized look The Disney castle calls for aid I'll know the road up There have been many tales Of the great warrior Mulan I hate it But ancestors here she is A young chute All green On the avatar you gotta deal with it Could you tell her that She was never confused as what she wanted Also introducing her as a great warrior Instead of watching the story unfold We shaped our houses like arenas For kung fu fights This looks fake This looks like a theater set Forget the chickens It will come back No it won't Chickens aren't like that Oh no Why did you do that Chase the chicken Chase the chicken You cannot let chicken get best of you That's a CGI chicken CGI chicken Oh that's it Oxy and the smug little piece of shit Oh no You gotta deal with it I hate her so much She's like a 5 That's amazing How did the real people look like CGI What did you pose after she landed She did something amazing And they're not appreciating it for it Damn Did you fucking see that Superhuman bullshit she pulled today What has been in the rice You're feeding her She's one of the Marvel heroes She's like 10 I guess they do that early Your cheese is strong Your hairline is weak Dad your hair looks so fake And it is time for you to hide your gift away To silence its voice So they're like she's acrobatic That's what their problem is Is that she's healthy and limber And supernaturally coordinated I don't know Your job is to bring honor to the family It's dishonorable what she's been doing Be worse It feels like the film is tripped over itself Because they've rushed Like we haven't even seen it She wants to be a soldier yet And they're already treaters though She's doing the that thing You have to hide your power You chase chickens on rooftops This is too much Pink Oh my god are you a witch Are you a mirage witch She's just like cool Oh my god she blew him Oh Oh she went inside of him She just asked me on my way here I don't know if that's a bad one I need to get out of the sun Can I get inside of you Oh is this Sean Yu That's a clip I saw on Twitter I could have swear I see it Wait what I'm sorry They were in a straight line Seriously they were in a straight line the whole time What Oh my god you don't even care Take out the leader Shoot all of them Yeah just shoot them all What Oh he missed Wait what are you doing What is this Oh my god I could just die What Oh she's even Why can't she just walk in Why does she have to be disguised to just walk in What What the fuck What's going on I'm scared The camera angle He just run up Well Castle's a fucking pointless Yeah I guess You will do You will do Listen I don't know what's going on What'll I do What's happening is she gonna possess him He was only three days from retirement So okay Wow Alright that just happened So many people have already been on Twitter And compared this to the old one I can see why Moron Moron Then why didn't you fucking say that Yeah why didn't you say that Or Bori Khan the second She is beyond imagining There's no place for witches In this kingdom It is forbidden to use the power of Chee in destructive ways No they can't do that that's illegal It's against the law We'll destroy this roaring army And their witch Oh my god his mouth doesn't I agree Wow that was terrible He's like actually dead right He's full of sleep dude Aerial army This is very different from the original Could you walk more pathetically Wow That's the virgin walk right there This guy auditioning for the Mandalorian He didn't get it This is so different so there's a magic system Called Chee And women aren't allowed to use it In destructive ways You can't use it for evil I guess Okay but he said like witches He's implying that she's a girl Why a magic system I understand I could just have 10 guys run up the wall You could literally like Turn it to gas You could do it I mean that's not contradictory Oh god this exposition Your motivation is to be accepted Oh cute Is she gonna turn good in the end Oh I doubt it I feel like exile doesn't matter much If you can change your shape whenever you want I just like that he's telling her her whole history for us Yeah What a fucking pointless scene She walks in he says lol you're a witch And she says fuck you And he's like hey and explains her whole motivation And she goes okay see you later That's actually that scene That's so bad This is the way the ladies ride This is the way the ladies ride I hope those bunnies get killed Those are big ass rabbits Oh the bunnies are gone She's so pure and wonderful the bunnies want to run alongside her Two rabbits running side by side I think one was a male one was a female Yeah we just saw it stupid When I go riding tomorrow I will try to find them again Maybe they'll say you have excellent news You're like Malan what the fuck Malan what the fuck are you doing It is decided Now you can annoy your husband With your stupid fucking rabbit stories You know nobody believes you when you say this shit right Yeah It is best I will bring honor to us all Oh this is shit Oh my god what the fuck The witch it's the witch No fight No fight whatsoever Shit Wait so now we've caught up With the first film They've done some weird other shit But now we're sort of there There's a lot more work introducing the bad guys in this one I don't know why They introduced a whole magic system They hand to do it I look like a clown I look like a little clown boy I look like a little clown boy A clown boy What a shitty line delivery Jesus Christ What a joke they have Disney money They don't give a fuck anymore Where's Eddie Murphy I feel like there should be an audience Watching this stage Not in a good way Not in like an Excalibur way They spent 200 million dollars on this film guys Composed Remember this scene Let's see how they do it this time Excuse me ma'am there's a huge fucking Spider that just crawled onto the table It could be poisonous Can a good wife take care of that shit Is something wrong Yeah there's a big fucking spider Just tell her there's a spider You're supposed to ignore spiders fool A woman ignores the horrors Of the natural world Move for the keyboard Move for the keyboard Why are you so Why are you fascinating over this teapot so much It's tradition Mullen How come he didn't scream about it He's gonna catch him off Spider-man do it Wait why are you doing it this way What is this scene I guess to show Her agility Yeah but she fucked up completely What tragic information I like to public shaming as well What exactly did she do wrong Everybody in our circle village The other people flipped out first Plus the spider jumped randomly right Nobody expects a spider to just suddenly jump An attack Even boss lady was upset about the spider so she can't talk The scene was so much worse than the original Every family Must contribute one man To fight It really is like a play It's like I'm watching a play The chin family We all have chins sir I am Hwajil I served the imperial army in the last Bedwalk The other ones didn't say anything calm down Don't be so extra I am blessed with two daughters I will fight If I can combine them using magic to create a man No Oh you humiliate him first Drop You will humiliate him further I don't understand He wanted to serve his country even though he was wounded Wow this dude what a fucking badass Are you suggesting Our family Not comply with the imperial How can you fight It is my place to bring honor to Our family on the battlefield You are the daughter You can't make it I'm sorry this delivery Like made me stop my joke You are the daughter You are the daughter You are a daughter Man he had no trouble walking there Yeah I just need to fall down the stairs outside Help He's like Help me and then the mum is like don't help him It'll disorder I think I'm bleeding No really Get my ass up I broke the other wig off that stupid Statue Daddy does everybody in the circle villages This is as big as we do The chin people really have more chins Oh let's see how they do this scene Let's see what they do What a cripple What the fuck is this shit He's got like Parkinson's soup Wow all the emotion In that scene My bad the dragon has arrived Oh my that does not look Like a good bad dragon but okay It comes in two pieces A piece of oil Yeah Yeah Oh yes I'm so glad I got the surgery To turn my asshole into square The phoenix Really pushing the phoenix thing huh Yeah remember that scene from 10 minutes ago She has followed me in the battle before And she will follow me now So is the little thing supposed to be our Mushu replacement? They'll add in magic But they'll take out Mushu And add in that thing No it's great the way that it sits there like an object So far we're still missing All like six of the companions We'll see how we do it Is Mushu gonna be a girl? Yeah I'm pretty sure Mushu was not in it at all I think it's that I think it's the inanimate object What should we do talk to it If there were your son you wouldn't have to Maybe if you weren't shit at getting a husband I'd have a grandson I wouldn't have to go die Pointlessly Maybe I will feed my father so much rice He gets so fat he can't fit through the door It's a plan He's like Halfway up the stairs and he's like what are you doing Put that back I just dropped it You should keep your swords locked up So your children don't know We're playing with them Loyal, brave And true I want the one that says disloyal False Not accurate That's so cringe I like that in the original one We let's see her being shit at it And have to learn it It's like look at me She's already gotten the armor and everything Wow this is Wow here we are we're doing it She's been trained since she was like five In this version so she's great This is the actual shittiest thing I've seen My sword My sword We've been robbed And they stole our daughter too The northern invaders will kill her If I expose her like our own people will kill her Then why are we fighting For this country again Seems weird Ancestral guardian I beseech you So she didn't even chase the guardian What are we going to do with this scene We're going to get Josh to die Wait oh she's like delirious She's in great danger She's in the desert Why is she in the desert What is the road like damn Completely lost It shouldn't be hard to get to the camp Just go In the original doesn't she just like ride For a decent way to get to the camp I can imagine the horse is like Oh do your feet hurt Milan Do your feet hurt Milan Oh wow oh yeah it looks really painful I like how they rushed all the other scenes But this is the drawn out part What the fuck she just gets to the camp In the original why are you doing this Yeah her getting to the camp What's happening She just like she just fucking dies The Phoenix spirit is ready To rescue Milan from Nothing because she's amazing She's all the way from China to Montana What's wrong with your face I don't understand What's wrong with your face Oh it's the Phoenix The Phoenix Thank you Milan Thank you You could just be delirious Why have you not thought this is the case Oh wait It ran away from me So the Phoenix is like oh by the way it's this way Seriously that was her issue Quick here go the only way you can go What was the point of that How come all the other men Were able to walk here Well because she went like really far Left and then right like she just did Something weird and the Phoenix was like What are you doing you dumb ass That is why my mother says I'm a good luck charm How Wow is it like the ugly contest Need a hand little man She clearly looks like a woman Yes thank you please Oh my god Oh yeah well you can Taste the tip of my blade too And we can taste each other's tips What the fuck I'm your commanding officer what is your name I guess we're not doing comedy In this version Please tell me that's not her shang Also yeah I I guess it's more distracting because it's live action But there's no way anyone's believing she's a fucking guy How come her pace is all fucked up She got tired in the desert Right it took her like four days to get there And she rubbed shit all over herself Her food went bad That's how long she was in that game I think my bean roll I told you to line up for showers Shours Line up for cock inspection soldiers I fucking loved night watch Had to get away from all the cocks There you go she got a shower Hey We're gonna be bed mates Wow He's gonna snuggle with him Look there was comedy But it was terrible There was a whole amount of comedy Wow calm down Wow good luck enforcing that in any army That's it That's the one That's the replacement for the song Oh my god that's so fucking cool though Look at him go So what practical application does this have For the army though It's like 15 feet away I like how they all failed the arrows In the exact same way They all landed in the same distance Wow It's kind of like the original list But there was nothing to inspire them They're just good now They kind of missed out on that part What does this teach us to do except choreography sir In a real war our opponents Are gonna be trying to kill us this isn't helping I'll lose to you because this is Disney Oh no the music Are they gonna do kung fu What is happening What was that What the fuck Where was this coming from Yeah why weren't you doing this earlier Isn't everyone in trouble now Let's see if one of them kills the other Fuck it this looks fun Whoa What if I didn't get out of the way Yeah wouldn't have just killed him Wouldn't have just killed me Wow it's so hot Why did you leave Why are you leaving Why are you letting them what is happening You can't go back to your tent we're fucking training She's what She's gonna hide her chi Oh her chi Yeah she just said I've gotta hide my chi Have you even showered once yet You smell Okay Oh no They're doing the scene Oh no Oh no No I'm gonna go underwater and find a dark side I'm glad I found you I'm watching you my penis What else have you been hiding Yeah let's see that Nick Nothing Wow remember how Milan tried to be likeable With everybody and she's just a kind of When the time comes do not turn your back on them On who what Okay bye I'm gonna go wash my penis over here So that scene was a little bit different from the original one That was terrible I'm so bored right now Finally it's the bad guys Thank god for the bad guy Someone open a window Oh my god that shot Bridges will float like a mighty river I don't care about Bridges I care about bitches Is he gonna complain then get killed by this guy Please don't I want that Revenge For the shame of the last war For my father who the emperor killed Oh That was a really stulted line For my father who the emperor killed Over there witch The next garrison I'm a warrior we've been over this Yeah she doesn't like being cold-wished Also why though Why Is she gonna fight Milan and Milan's gonna kick her butt Why would they need I don't stand Commander Is it gonna be like you have the chi Of course You see I have a secret as well I also have the chi I know your father Why do you hide it Uh why Hello You stand there like a liminer Lemons don't stand Oh no we're back out here Oh that was the end of that scene The base the universe and all living things We are all born with Dude is this literally the force She really is Ray And become a great warrior But I thought we weren't allowed to use it for destructive purposes Knowledge and defense never attack right Oh but we're in the army sir They do things that are illegal What is the point of this montage I don't fucking know The warrior Yields the force How do you spend so much money To make something so shitty and cheap looking Sir don't use the word force I still don't get it I still don't get it Disney we get it You're gargling China's cum What is We don't need this Why is she dirty again Why is she dirty again I've been I don't know Is this what's happening This is instead of climbing Yeah dude this is so much worse We already had the montage Where the soldiers do really well So what are they gonna do now They're just gonna continue doing well What was cool about The original as well is she didn't win Through Magically becoming stronger She outsmarted the challenge What the fuck It's the cheese She's using the cheese It wouldn't even be inspirational Cause all of us if we were on that team How are you doing that Do you have like stilts in your arms Your arms are more spindly than ours What's going on Do you guys feel like this is a triumphant moment Cause I certainly fucking don't Fucking garbage Oh fuck off flute Dude with a flute Never been so annoyed at an instrument Oh no Oh thank god I hope these guys win We're gonna climb up walls again Why What are those two guys just standing What Didn't even go into him Dude what's happening She's got grabby combat ops Oh it's magic She's got the cheese Woohoo Now I have a lunch scene right Oh there's still an hour left Oh my god you can't be Shitting me There's still an hour there Can't be an avalanche scene yet You thought it was almost over You fool I'd be closer The bar's not even at the half point yet There's something that was heavily on my heart I need to confess it to you There's no shame in being fearful before battle It's the testament to your honesty That you confess such doubt Yeah you bet sir thanks for that Yeah he's just praising me no matter what Perhaps one day you could accompany me To my village where I would introduce you To my daughter and our village matchmaker Of course Yes commander that's my great Honor I look forward to seeing your father's face When you give him this news Every line is bad every single one That's why I haven't noticed it so much Because there's no good ones to compare it to Clunking they're just like Clunking They just keep clunking Oh that's such a great way To describe this film It just keeps clunking along We brought you their force kit their helmets We brought you their helmets See the original was quite clever With how it made this Matter a lot more by juxtaposing it This is just oh we're in the We're in the dead place Had a movie worth watching You know her whole little crew kind of Substant this one a lot more You don't know who any of them are You don't give them before them They spent this long and we don't have any of this Explanation We don't have Giant Baby We don't have Short Manly Man We don't even have the Eagle Matthew We don't have Danny Delito or laying Or Shin Po We're 55 fucking minutes in Shot in like three Locations and that was about it And then the rest is just finding landscape shots Oh yeah how do you spend so much money And have it look so cheap He who moves first controls the enemy What? I don't know about that I don't know castles are great No no remember they just run up the walls Oh yeah that's right they run up the walls We're gonna start building our castles that have like curves on the outside So you guys just run up To be fair I still don't really Understand how we have any chance We're against a crazy witch That can kill people with blankets Like I don't really know what we can do How come our army doesn't have witches Or blankets They're doing character stuff So this is natural Well it doesn't feel natural Are you happy or sad Listen to me There's so many pregnant pauses Throughout this film I guarantee it Thanks This is so shit I'm gonna go get it We'll protect each other We'll fight for each other Except for you y'all I might take the opportunity to kill you myself I don't know who that person is He's the lucky one right I don't know Oh god it's slow mo We're gonna take even longer Oh he's got his ring race with him Yeah There's no snow I guess we're not doing it the way we did in the original What new fangled nastiness You're gonna give us Can't wait alright we're halfway through the film We're finally getting our battle They'll fire an army of arrows She will tin them all around with a chi And send them back He's gonna suck the cum Right out of them That's one way If they say fire Don't We don't have gunpowder in this world yet Why didn't everyone do that There's no point The fight The fight Wait they're sending a small amount of people To go and attack the small Why bother What is the point of that Why We gotta make it smaller We gotta send our team after the ring race We can't have a battle we're only disney We don't have disney money We're seriously just gonna focus on What is this oh my god Wow Hey guys We should already stop following them Stop following them Oh my god it's the maid Oh Guys stop following them just stop How come no one else is shooting arrows only Milan is Yeah she only fired one everyone Okay now we stop we go back Is she the only one is she gonna keep going Oh yeah they're smart Yeah they're like okay they have bows We don't know what our plan was We're just gonna go back and the whole war is over And everyone's dead Wow What is this scene So you're gonna chase them I hate it when this happens And then we get them avalanche They had a really strong blueprint They add half an hour on and then we get this shit What the fuck They're in the great sulfur pits of China This is the desolation There's only one of them left Let's lure her into the sulfur pit We need to ambush this one we can't just shoot her with arrows What the fuck I don't think that's how that works The bird has cheated Oh the bird is her the bird is the witch Why is the witch here Why is the witch taking so interest in one soldier You deceit weakens you It poisons your chi You deceit weakens you You're pretending to be a mad she's poisoning her chi Wait how do you block that with your hand What did you expect that's a blade What did you think would happen Oh you suck Use the force grab it Use your chi Oh that line Why did you do nothing What What's happening They're definitely losing this is the low point No this whole thing is on low point This whole movie But it's relative isn't it It's all a low point this is the low point of low points It's like a cinematic ditch Are you okay you got a thing sticking in you Oh it hit her boob coverings Oh it hit her little strap It stopped it but the metal armor wouldn't stop Other thing okay Oh my god what is And you phoenix it's me Hurray Is it gonna die now Turn to ash and then rise from the ashes And it's supposed to be on the nose symbol The witch kills it it'll come back later Also like that I don't know which one that one means Oh she's taking off all of her coverings No you need that You can be a girl and wear that No she can't Yeah she needs to own being a woman In order to have more chi A random woman killer What the fuck is this What the fuck was that Oh my god Is that her signature move now Is it chi She's cheated up lads look at this chi This reminds me of that This reminds me of Dracula Untold If it's never good to remind somebody Of Dracula Untold But I'm not gonna be honest Dracula Untold is way better than this It's not even close You get Charles dancing vampires I'm way more on board Oh no woman Quickly Oh no woman girl you'll get her cooties It's Agile Chi Here comes the awkward scene Quickly put your hair back in a bun Wait what Oh it's like Dracula Untold Oh my god Quick go blind Go blind so the card hit you What a weird fucking way Of attacking people We know she's better than this She can do way more damage than this What the fuck What the fuck She can like We had to carry these on our horses What is happening now What's happening The birds keep them like that They fire shit at them What's she gonna do Use a chi Oh no Oh no Dude that just vaporized them Again I like that one This is actually absurd Oh there's the avalanche But she's way too far away They yell really loudly Wait No What are you gonna do They're gonna be all dead by the time What's happening What's happening No She's behind them How did this happen What the fuck She's just playing and shooting one by one Okay you know what We need to pause at some point What the fuck Why would you just shoot helmets It's clear there's no people there They're tuning Oh my god Oh my god She's supposed to be so fucking stupid So catapult Some fake gas soldiers They're gonna kill themselves What is happening They're gonna cause an avalanche themselves Are you telling me the whole lobby is still under attack from She made them start the avalanche Yeah that's what I was getting at No What were they aiming for They missed They missed They missed by like two miles She couldn't do that herself without them doing this They couldn't have missed it more Significantly He's running to the side Oh my lord How did you take The easy blueprint Get up be all believe How would you guys even know what avalanche is coming So she in the avalanche Yeah I'm pretty sure you can't ride your horse through an avalanche Like No it's like a cartoon one She was riding through the avalanche In the cartoon one This was more cartoony anyway Yeah but this time This time she's amazing Yeah but the horse isn't Yeah but the horse is better The horse The horse can teleport and it comes when you whistle It comes when you whistle So So you wanted to pause I mean Wow Yeah it's all She looks great Also put your head back in a bun And you'll be fine No she's done hiding Yeah truth her sword says true So she has to be true because She Two swords She just walks away Snow isn't smoke Wait what about that dude It's like smoke but it's really cold I do want to make sure We do mention that scene was absurd That was a It's just so clear We're just at this point We're in shock Commander what is the punishment Assigned to this imposter I would rather be executed Oh Why You're expelled If you show your face again Your wish to be executed Will be granted So I can just leave you come back Alright I'll see you stay here I'll be like 10 minutes She walks behind a rock and then comes back again So In accordance with the original She's gonna find out that the threat Is not quite over Maybe she's back in the desert somehow Where's the phoenix I'm lost I'm scared they didn't kill me If only they would have killed me I wouldn't be crying right now Where's that witch I want to be a witch I'm killed me I want to I want to turn into a flock of birds You can never go home It's so weird that that witch just left I was a girl like you When people turned on me Alright Oh give this actress all the lines We are the same We are not so different you and I We have to do it every fucking time Every fucking time You too can have a shitty crown like mine I mean this basically is Kate Kane and Alice Essentially right here what we're watching Which one's the bigger bitch Just up to your interpretation You follow a coward A leader who runs from battle The coward who was taking the impure city And you let Pro well fall Thanks for the info And together We can rule the galaxy Learn magic I know my place And it is my duty to fight for the kingdom And protect the emperor What's China ever fucking done for you Killer Which lady killer You've been bitching about the rules this entire time And you'll go out to defend the rules Dude I love the idea that she was just done And then it was like by the way She killed the emperor Oh my god Wait you're going the wrong way Again once again Moulin You're going the wrong fucking way Who do we open the gate for just now Did you guys see that Fina Execution time Kill me if you must No no no no The garrison attacks were just a distraction Khan has our army focused on the Silk Road Who told you this Well I was on this big hill and this witch Yeah dude When you get this information from it's like Oh what are the bad guys Well obviously they're just trying to give you false information That's what I would assume I'd be like trying to draw us out of the castles This is why we don't let girls in the army You're ruining it Only a foolish man listen to someone who's very Existence Is a lie What was that one Someone's barely existence is a lie She's braver than any man here They're all like oh wow okay fine Wait a second wow We don't have superpowers you know I believe huamulan I believe huamulan Oh my god Spartacus I believe I believe women I believe the voices of women Someone in the back is like I don't Dude the commander is just like oh well I still Don't so fuck you Huamulan you will lead us as we ride To the imperial city Do you just say you will lead us You will lead us one at a time What the fuck Oh Phoenix does everyone see that She's still in the desert She went crazy She's just spitting So take note she's got her sword On her back let's see if they actually ever Show her drawing it out of the sheath And pulling it out you know because they normally Don't do that in movies Ah yes the bird hole Hello Mr. Bird Your hat looks really story You like a tasty fish Oh okay We needed that seed I guess she's gonna possess him as the point Prepare my guard We ride to the site Immediately please move your face It is far too deep Acting will dishonor the smoothie Now I Now I must act I will kill you Good idea Now we are going to steal All of your cocks Stop running on the walls You must get through So you trap them all here So you can run in and fight them What is this What What Why would you need to fire it back Cause you fuck I guess Mulan was right I don't know What the fuck Surely you didn't expect a fair Dude dude After you After you talked to Mulan with a plank Is this movie At a city what is this None of this feels normal It all feels really strange Why They didn't even do anything For a moment Go Go Why would you close the door Yeah there's no Why would you do that They can't help you now They'll just run up the walls Oh god it's the super stairs Looks a little more urgent I'll give you that There's no one in this city like everyone's gone Remember there's a huge crowd gathered here Your majesty I'm Mulan from the 5th Battalion What are you doing Are you serious It's the witch it's gonna be the witch Jesus Christ Deliver my whole speech before clarifying you're even there Boss fight boss fight Boss fight boss fight I'm the emperor I identify as the emperor They accept you But they will never accept me Lol Will you turn into birds You can still take the noble path If you're a witch then how can we need these people Just go off and be anywhere else Turn to birds and fly away to America She said you can take the noble path We've got like 20 minutes left she's gonna be evil Where's the emperor Kaka Did she shoot a bird She turned into a bird Oh she turned into a bird Oh yeah that's what I thought Wait what was she doing Mulan's gonna chase this bird There's no way you can keep up with the bird The bird is gone How are you doing this Are they gonna cook the emperor What the fuck This I'm not talking to you Where are the sons of the empire Fall into our swords Did Jeff like charge a billion dollars per line or something Every syllable Every movement There's a few performances I could reference Like this is one of the most I cannot be fucked I've ever seen Why are you here The attack has met fear's resistance From who A young woman A warrior The emperor's like what's going on They paid him two million dollars for that nod You let her go I'm sorry She can form like thousands of birds And she decides to just kill herself Okay Should we use her blankets or something Mulan say now it's personal Oh my god my face Alright time for another boss fight Wow I'm just baffled by how bad this is Good job Disney But there's 25 minutes left What could there possibly be Just kill him Does he not care that she walked in Guess not Like he knows that she didn't die right He's like what What is this Why didn't you kill him first You know that he's going to attack you Didn't I shoot you with an arrow I guess I shot an eagle Who has come to save the dynasty Because no one else can be fucked in this Country There's a surprising lack of people sometimes What Why did you let go of your blade Oh no Whoops Do a thumbs up Oh no You are a mighty warrior Rise up like a phoenix He doesn't actually believe this He just hopes it saves his life But mostly for me right now Yeah because I'm kind of terrified Please beat him He's got an eagle sword too Oh fuck Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god I've seen this shot But never contact Gee I hope nobody cuts that rope What What I had a sword and she had nothing What the fuck Oh no I'm out of birds to block my arrows He looks bored Dude what makes it so much better Is everyone's blank expressions Like why does no one give a fuck What Oh no How could I possibly see them coming God they fight lasted forever Oh no the lucky ones dead Oh the fat ones dead He's alive Wow all of our characters survived Do you remember any of their names Um Chumbo I think is his I don't know He nearly fell over from being sleepy Look at him he's like This feels like a Bollywood film He does So this is the movie gently does To pay for mansions Like he's not somebody's invested in There's 20 minutes left on the counter Fuck in hell No there can't be That's a lie See I'd be on board with credits In about a minute from now Not that long He had a peacock on her face The people owe you a debt of thanks Look at his little hat He's wiggling Barely though because he's barely moved It just goes to show how How little he acts The beans barely move Clearly that's not an issue I can't stop looking at his beans I want to see how little they move I must return home Bring home here You could live in the palace We have plenty of space Especially now that everyone died You could have some beans too Is an essential virtue 18 minutes left No So are we gonna go back home And do a scene with the dad And then what else can you do Talk to the phoenix Christ The amount of emotion and character That has been drawn out of the original Pulled away This reminds me of Teenage Ninja Turtles 3 I don't know why How dare you sully the name of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3 Is she gonna say no Is she gonna say no because it's Disney and she can't I don't fucking care Molan Molan you come back here Get in the car Molan Can't have a woman Accepting a man's affection Because you're getting off the course You're like you just out of the family I hurt everybody except for died I have no idea who survived How come they're all dressed like Peruvians You're just out of the family I got even limpier while you were gone Where's my sword daughter You didn't melt it did you That meant a lot to me I hope you brought that back because you stole it I stole your armor Yeah only one No she threw the armor away I lost it He's so sad that his sword's missing He just can't bear it He's about to fucking go off I just had it signed by the Wu-Tang Clan He's just beating her with his fucking stick I feel his pride drove her away Dude he is holding back the rage Yeah in his mind he's going the fucking sword The fucking sword He's resisting the urge to straggle Yeah he's like moving her hair out of the way To judge to see if he can straggle her with one hand I've never had such a little emotional Investing in anything Anything Flippity cloppity My god it's the fucking emperor Yo Oh dude more jetli.carry I'm here for some pussy We doubled the size of our army There's eight of us It's not jetli Dong Yong Come young But if you're here to discipline Mulan Do it Then let me watch You have to get past me You're crippled old man Did they find the sword? Oh they made a new one Okay just open it Also The only reason she saved the dynasty Is because all the other men said she has to go And they won't Wraith It's funny that in the country that censors their internet connection They're like yes true The right kind of true Oh yes The government approved You know those hats seem really bad for rain Who just collect all up They spell out the front Two little spouts You can use it as a drinking water Oh fuck Off the phoenix What do you really want the phoenix to do The green shoot has grown up to the sky This is like the first scene where ever the people see it They all start running in fear Oh god The girl became a soldier The soldier became a leader The leader became a legend Leader Became a legend Fuck off Oh thank god Oh shoot Like every live action Disney movie does that now With a credit to like ten fucking minutes He did the same shit With beauty and the beast Oh That was horrible That was shockingly bad Incredibly bad Incredibly bad A couple of notes I think this is now the Disney princess With the highest kill count Oh wow that's a plus And the only person with the character arc In the entire thing was the witch The witch Completely new character to Why I like that they're like we're gonna run a villain story That's parallel to the hero Where she wants to be accepted We've got the hero for that What do you mean Oh man My expectations were so low I know But holy fuck That whole battle scene The way they recreated the avalanche My god This is all gonna stick with me Like this was fucking awful This is one of the worst movies I've ever seen In my life How do you spend so much money on a film And it looks so cheap and fake and shitty $200 You could recreate this on a theater Play stage And you wouldn't lose anything They needed to zap Jet Li every once in a while Get him Back into it It made it so much better to watch the better one first Right So far The 54% from audiences On Rotten Tomatoes So this is the The New York Times review Take a look at this This headline and tell me if you think that There you go Bluff out flower blooms in adversity And kicks but Yo yo Why would like the first movies Way more empowering than this one This one's confusing In all the ways Editing was so bad Music It makes you appreciate that editing When done right is mostly something you don't even necessarily notice My god Why did we like What do we do to deserve this I don't understand People paid 30 bucks for that On top of that service $30 could you imagine if you'd paid $30 for this Alright so what I'm gonna do Is I'm gonna show you A small piece of this review And I want you to just She also doesn't sing A small Toonalus Warbling It did the 99 Motherfuckin Oh so here's the thing That the reflection song In the other Milan Was fucking masterpiece though I wasn't meming when I made that joke About how she could just become A singer as a career What is this Toonalus Warfucka That is insane Where the hell wrote this Go fuck yourself Go fuck yourself This whole ball scene was Just staggering to me The logistics of all of it is amazing They could I love that we're supposed to feel bad I love that we're supposed to feel bad for the witch By the way when she got so many Men killed and all because she wants The world where she's accepted Motherfucka you serious Wasn't that the same fucking plot from Maleficent Oh my god Okay so credit to Vox God forbid their title for the review Disney's new Milan Pack up go home you're through The Milan remake Jettison's everything great About Disney's animated classic And delivers nothing new They really did get rid of everything good didn't they Yeah Every time they Recreated a scene it was pain You can't say that My review Yeah that's basically The movie The movie is just Jettly's face Those are Jettly's These aren't even quivering There has to be a good thing To the movie right Jettly not giving a shit It was pretty funny Ironically yeah He's the best He's the best part Jettly not giving a fuck Is the best part It's surprising how Consistent it was I've laughed that hard At any bad movie I couldn't breathe At some point It was constantly ridiculous In some bad movies it stops For a little while No they fucked up everything What was she on roof chasing chickens Do we forgive That was a set up to when she chased The eagle at the end But she could be cool Chasing birds on rooftops is the thing Trying to chase her Don't chase birds But then she did I'm still in a little bit of shock My mood as a whole It's amazing how they could So efficiently recreate The Ironman Square Massacre in cinematic form Okay That was Moonlin 1 and 2 Whatever That was shockingly bad It's incredibly bad I don't even know how I could convey in language You had Such a good film And you had to tarnish its reputation Now everyone has to say I mean the original I think we'll be okay on that one Is anyone really going to be like Do you mean the new one Bye everybody Yeah goodbye everybody Bye I'm laughing Because I'm insane I'm sorry I think you know what I'm laughing at I just like I feel like I cracked For just a moment We just can't leave each other Because we're the only ones who know this pain It's funny I just left me wondering Why would the Imperial eat it? But how can you fight it? You are the daughter That's my great honor You are the daughter You are the daughter Why'd you bring me?