 The Jack Benny Program presented by Lucky Strike. SIXTEEN BUNNY BUNNY BUNNY BUNNY BUNNY BUNNY BUNNY BUNNY BUNNY BUNNY BUNNY BUNNY BUNNY BUNNY BUNNY BUNNY BUNNY BUNNY BUNNY BUNNY BUNNY BUNNY BUNNY SOLDY MILKIN' Scientific tests prove Lucky Strike is milder than any other principal brand of cigarettes. Scientific tests prove Lucky Strike is milder than any other principal brand of cigarettes. That fact is verified by an independent consulting laboratory with more than fifteen years' experience in cigarette research. Based on our analytical findings, it is our opinion that Lucky Strike cigarettes are the mildest of the six major brands tested. And no wonder Lucky Strike cigarettes have improved milder. For years, Lucky Strike has conducted a unique and vast program in research, in quality controls, and manufacturing methods. And today, tomorrow, always. LS, MFT, LS, MFT. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco, fine, light, naturally mild tobacco that gives you smoothness and mildness with never a rough puff. So light up a Lucky and prove to yourself what scientific tests prove. Lucky Strike is milder than any other principal brand of cigarettes. Let your own taste and throat be the judge. For smoothness and mildness, there's never a rough puff in a Lucky Strike. Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Dentistry, and yours truly, Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, just four days from now, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences will present their annual awards. And when the winners are announced, Jack Benny, being a man of high ideals and noble character, will be the first to say, I was robbed. And here he is, Jack Benny. Thank you. Thank you, thank you. Well, again, this is Jack Benny talking, and, Don, I'm glad you brought up the subject of the Academy Awards, because... Wait a minute, Jackson, wait a minute, temper, temper, just hold your hair up a minute. After all, where do you come off saying you was robbed? Huh? Well, the winners haven't even been announced yet. I know. And you haven't made a picture for five years. I know, I know. You've only got one show, too. Dennis, go sit down. We won't, Capitan. You can stop with that, too. Phil, when I said I was robbed, I was referring to last year. That's when they did the casting for the picture, All the King's Men, and the director asked me if I'd like to compete for the lead. So I even went down to the studio. Well, don't feel bad about not getting the part, Jack. After all, Broderick Crawford is a wonderful actor. Broderick? Holy smoke, I thought it was Joan, and I wore my Charlie's aunt costume. How do you like that? Well, Jack, weren't you embarrassed going out to the studio dressed up like Charlie's aunt? Not at first, Dom, but coming home on the streetcar, my bustle crept up and I looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame. Anyway, that was my one chance to win an Academy Award. Well, don't take it too seriously, Jackson. Winning an award isn't important, as long as you're doing the right thing. That's all that matters. What do you mean? Well, take the picture I just made, Wabash Avenue. Let Victor Moutour and Betty Grable win the awards. I'm happy knowing that I was aqueduct in the part. Well, we're back to France as the mule. I want to tell you something, Jackson. Seriously, those producers were smart to think of me. Phil, casting you was a natural. When they thought of making the picture, they thought of Chicago for the locale. When they thought of Chicago, they thought of Wabash Avenue. When they thought of an avenue, they thought of a street. When they thought of a street, they thought of a gutter. And any three-year-old could take it from there. So, Phil, as far as the perfect casting is concerned, don't take it... Now, wait a minute, Jackson. Just hold it a minute. You've got it all wrong. That part had nothing to do with drinking. They needed someone who could play the part of a nightclub owner, a gambler, a great lover. A great lover, huh? Well, Phil, let me ask you something. If you're such a great lover, how come at the end of the picture Victor Moutour marries Betty Grable? Because Alice made him change the finish. Alice? She ain't sharing me with nobody, even in the land of Meg Bulley. Phil, you're the hammiest guy I ever met. We, Mon Capitaine, I'm glad you agree. Now, kids... Hello, Jack. How are you, fellas? Well, Mary, welcome back. How are you, Liv? Good to see you again. We sure missed you, Mary. Well, thanks, fellas. And Jack, next time I have a cold, don't send your doctor to take care of me. Why not? He's an excellent physician. Yeah, but boy, is he nearsighted. The doctor? When he came into the house, I thought I'd save a little time. So I stuck out my tongue and he hung his hat on it. No kidding, is he that nearsighted? Worse than that. He went to listen to my chest, put a stethoscope against the radiator, and said, stop pissing me, I'm here to help you. Got a little trouble with stethoscope, eh? Wow. Next time we do the joke, we'll make it needle. But anyway, Mary, I can tell by the twinkle in your eye that never happened. We've on Capitance. I thought so. Well, anyway, you're back on the program, that's all that matters. Hey, Liv-o, how'd you have to catch that cold in the first place? Well, one night I went out riding with Jack and his car has no windshield. No windshield? Well, how come Jack didn't catch cold, too? He sits on the floor and drives like Periscope. He drives like Periscope, drives like Periscope. Stop making things up. Now, come on, Dennis, let's have your song. No. What? I don't want to sing yet, I've only had three laughs up to now. Oh, for heaven's sake, Dennis, who counts their laughs? Phil does. Phil counts his laughs? As soon as he gets five, he runs over to NBC. Dennis, you yourself said I've only got one show. Let me keep it, will you? Now go ahead and sing. Well, how about my other two laughs? Never mind, sing. I was having you and music, music, music. I do and it is kissing you and music, music, music. Oh, sir, my dear, come closer. The nicest part of any melody is when you're dancing close to me. Music, music, music, sung by Dennis, Dennis, Dennis. And very good. Daddy says once. We moncapitan. And now, ladies and gentlemen, as we mentioned before, it is only a few more days to the presentation of the Academy Awards. The leading male nominees for their outstanding performances are Broderick Crawford for All the King's Men, Richard Todd for The Hasty Heart, Gregory Peck for 12 O'Clock High, John Wayne for The Sands of Iwo Jima, and Jack Benny for his outstanding performance in The Champion. So tonight, we are going to. Jack, Jack, what are you talking about? Huh? Kirk Douglas is up for the award. Well, we're back to status quo tonight. I'll bet you $1,000 Douglas is easier to say than status quo. What'd you say, Don? I said Kirk Douglas is up for the award. He was the star of The Champion. Mary, that was for the picture. I'm talking about my radio performance. I did The Champion on the radio a year ago. Well, who's going to give an award for that? I don't know, Mary. I got one last week. Let's take a chance. So tonight, we're going to offer our new version of The Champion, in which... Excuse me. Hello? Hello, champ. This is Rochester. Hello, Rochester. What do you want? I finished packing your bags for your trip to Palm Springs. Oh, good. Good. I want to leave right after the program tonight. You sure you got everything? Yes, sir. I packed you a riding habit. Uh-huh. Your tennis racket. Uh-huh. A picking shovel. A picking shovel? You know how you are when you lose a ball. Rochester, I may lose a ball once in a while, but I don't dig holes on a golf course. I don't know. Last year, they followed you around planting ponds. All right. Now, Rochester, I'll spend a lot of time in the sun, so you better pack my yellow shorts. You better not take the yellow ones, boss. They're full of moth holes. My yellow shorts? Oh, well, then pack my blue ones. They're not back from the cleaners. Oh. Well, in that case, pack my black ones. They're gorgeous gussies. Oh, yes. Well, I'll buy some at the spring. Oh, by the way, boss, in case anyone wants to get in touch with you, where will you be staying? At the beautiful Flamingo Hotel. But, Mr. Benny, the Flamingo Hotel is in Palm Springs. It's in Las Vegas. I know, but now when I do go to Las Vegas, I can stay there. Now, Rochester, did you take care of everything else? Uh-huh. I even packed your violin. What? Oh, it's pretty crowded in Palm Springs. What's my violin got to do with it? Well, if you walk into a hotel and there's no vacancies, you can make one. Rochester, did you think of that all by yourself? We, my uncompetent. I thought so. Well, goodbye. So long, champ. And now, ladies and gentlemen, for our feature attraction tonight, we're going to present our new version. Oh, Jack. Jack. Our new... Yes, Don. I think we ought to get to the commercial in now before we do the play. Oh, yes. I'm glad you remind me. What has the sportsman quartet prepared? Well, they have a wonderful number, Jack, and they're dedicating it to you. To me? Yes. You see, Jack, there's such excitement about the Academy Awards that they feel terrible that you stop making pictures. No. Yes. They think that a star of your magnitude should project his personality in every possible medium. Wow. And so they're dedicating this number to me? Yes. Yes. Take it, boys. You ought to be in pictures. You're beautiful to see. Me? You ought to be in pictures. For you're as cute as can be. Gee. You're handsomer than Gable. You're sexier than Flynn. No. Your legs are just like rables. Please tell us, Jack, where have you been? Your eyes are as soft and blue as the waters of Lake Louise. Your hair is a work of art, but please don't lose it in the breeze. You're funnier than Popeye. I am. You'd fill up every house. You ought to be in pictures like Mickey Mouse to make a picture. LSMFT. They're now in television. They're dancing so gracefully. They never seem to worry. They're never out of step. They're from Arthur Murray. That's why they're hep. Full of pep. They're so round, so firm, so fully packed. There's not a puff that's rough. We smoke them for nigh on 20 years. They are the ones we love. Love. They ought to win an Oscar. For smoking that is grass. Keep on buying luckies. Your favorite. That was really wonderful. And now for our play. Take it down. Ladies and gentlemen, for our feature attraction tonight, we present our new version of that thrilling dramatic story of the prize ring entitled The Champion. Curtain Music. You tired, Bubbles? Pretty much, Midge. Well, we'll be in Los Angeles in a few days. There's a lot of smog there. Smog? What's that? That's fog with a garlic breath. Anyway, it won't be long now. As soon as we get there, hey, Bubbles, look out. Here comes a car. Hello, boys. Do you want a lift? The car stopped in front of us. It was the latest model. Hop into the back seat, boys. Thanks a lot. How far are you boys gone? All the way to Los Angeles. Los Angeles, eh? I got an aunt who lives in a suburb of Los Angeles. Glendale? No, to Hatchapie. By the way, miss, your boyfriend doesn't seem very talkative. He talks with his fists. He's Slugger Brown, the middleweight champ of the world. Yeah. We can only take you boys as far as Omaha. Slugger's fighting there tonight. Yeah. Are you really Slugger Brown? Yeah. And you're the middleweight champ? Yeah. And you're fighting tonight in Omaha? Yeah. 36 years later, we arrived in Omaha. Free week there, too. Then he decided to become a prize fighter. Bubbles and I hitchhiked to Los Angeles. I went to see the foremost fight manager in town. I stripped myself to the waist. He looked at my chest and said, That reminds me, I'm having sparrows for dinner. Now don't be funny, Mr. McNally. I mean, I look so good now, see? But you give me two or three months of training and I'll be a champion someday. A champion, do you hear? No, wait a minute, me boy. Fighting is a tough game. I used to be a fighter myself. You? Right, you are me boy. I'll never forget my last fight. It was with Killer Nelson. I was afraid of him, but they made me go in the ring and fight. They did, eh? That they did. First, we were fighting in the center of the ring, then up against the ropes. Then he kept after me and after me, and finally caught me in the wrong corner and knocked me out. What corner was that? Pico and Sepulveda. Pico and Sepulveda. The fight was held in no Orleans. Now, who else did you fight? Well, the most exciting fight I ever had was the one with Joe Lewis. You? You fought Joe Lewis? Ah, he murdered me. Well, why did you fight him? I won the chance on a quiz program. That? An eight glorious weeks in the Cedars 11 in hospital. Well, look, Mr. McNally, I don't discourage me. I want to be a fighter. Will you handle me? I'll write me, Bocco. I'll be your manager. Now go over to the gym and let me train her. Punchy McNally, he'll get you into condition. The next morning, I went over to the gym. It was a large, gloomy place, smelling a liniment. Here, in this edifice of concrete and steel, men dedicated their lives to the inhuman pursuit of mangling and maiming. It was here that the beast and man overwrote all human qualities, and one man would try to pummel another's countenance beyond recognition for the sake of monetary reward. The preceding speech was written by William Paley, Jr. He not only made me hire his son, but I had to give him credit yet. I looked around the gym trying to find Punchy McNally. Finally, I asked a man leaning against the ring. Excuse me, mister, but I'm looking for a Punchy McNeil. Ah, that's me. Well, I'm Midge Benny. I'm pleased to know you. Now look, Punchy, I'm trying to be a fighter, and Mr. McNulty wants you to train me. Okay, but you ought to think it over. Fighting is a tough racket. I should know because I used to be a fighter myself. No. Yeah, I had my first fight back in 1932. Gosh. Yeah, I spent 12 years in the ring. 12 years. Yeah, but I finally came two got up and went home. Well, look, Punchy, I want... Now, wait a minute. I didn't finish my story. Oh, there's more? Yeah. What? Yeah. Well, tell me, Punchy, were you always a fighter? Oh, no. I used to be a musician with Guy Lombardo's band. Go on. You were never with Lombardo? Oh, yes. Yes. Yes, I was. Evacuum the handkerchief right out of my vest pocket. Oh, come on, Mitch. Let's start training. Two weeks later, I won my first fight. A full week later, my second. And my third, fourth, and fifth until I had won 28 fights. In two short years, I was matched to fight the champ Slugger Brown. I was in my dressing room with my manager when the door opened. Hello, Midge. How you doing? It was her again. She was wearing a sweatshirt that had Flamingo Hotel written on it. This was overdoing it. I walked over door and said, Hello, baby. What brings you here? Well, I heard you were going to fight the champ, and I wanted to see if you're ready for the main event. Well, sure I'm ready. Well, if you want her, you can kiss me for luck. Okay, here. Hmm. Still a preliminary boy. Oh, yeah? Now look, baby, how about a date tonight after I knock out the champ? I've got news for you, Midge. You're not knocking out anybody. You're throwing the fight. Are you kidding? If you don't believe me, here's your manager. Ask him. McNally, are you crazy? Would I fight for two years in Tank Towns for this? Would I spend two years getting my brains knocked out just so I could take a dive? Would I work my way up to title bout just to throw the fight? Would I? Would I? Why don't you turn the page and find out? What? Why don't you turn the page and find out? I turned the page, and there it was. William Paley Jr. double crossed me. I wasn't going to do it. I'd work and fought to be champion, and tonight, I was going to fight to win. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen of the radio audience. The men are in the center of the ring of the instructions. They go back to the corners, waiting for the bell. And there it is. Round one, Slogger comes out of these corners and starts mixing furiously. Midge meets him like a wild cat with a right and a left. And now for a few words from our sponsor, the Sagebrush soap company. Look clean, feel clean, beat clean. And remember our slogan, now is the hour to take a shower while the gloom is on the scene. Now back to the fight. Well, that was an exciting round. Slogger's nose is still bleeding and Midge's eye is tightly closed. Now we're waiting for the bell for the second round. There's the bell. The boys come out and circle each other. They're still circling each other. We circle each other three times. Then my opponent leaned over to me and said, Hey, bud. Bud. Who, me? Me. Come here a minute. What is it? What round are you going to take the dive in? The fifth. Uh-uh. What? Make it the third. The third, why? My feet are killing me. Now look, Slogger. I'm not throwing this fight. I'm in here to win, so start mixing it. Do you understand? We, Mon Capitan. Okay, put up your dukes. Ooh. The Champlands are terrific right close and Midge Benny is down. Yes, I was down. The referee is counting over him. What did you find in that tent? It was a tobacco auctioneer. What started two years ago when I was trudging along a dusty Kansas road, hitchhiking with my best friend, Bubbles. You tired Bubbles? Pretty much, Midge. Hey Bubbles, look out. Here comes a car. Hello, boys. You want to lift? Oh, no. We're not going through that again. Come on. Let's give it back in just a moment. But first... Scientific tests prove lucky strike is milder than any other principal brand of cigarettes. Scientific tests prove lucky strike is milder than any other principal brand of cigarettes. That fact is verified by an independent consulting laboratory with more than 15 years' experience in cigarette research. The report from the consulting laboratory stated, based on our analytical findings, it is our opinion that Lucky Strike cigarettes are the mildest of the six major brands tested. L.S.M.F.T. L.S.M.F.T. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco, fine, light, naturally mild tobacco that the makers of Lucky Strike consistently select and buy. Just listen to the words of Mr. B.V. Bowen, an independent tobacco buyer from Timminsville, South Carolina. Recently he said, I've been in a tobacco business for 40 years, and year after year, I've seen the makers of Lucky Strike by fine, light, ripe tobacco that makes a smooth, mild smoke. I've smoked Lucky's for 22 years. So, smoke a Lucky. You'll prove to yourself what scientific tests prove. Lucky Strike is milder than any other principle brand of cigarettes. Let your own taste and throat be the judge for smoothness and mildness. There's never a rough puff in a Lucky Strike. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. Ladies and gentlemen, next week at the same time, our program will be coming to you from Palm Springs, and our guest will be Bob Hope. So be sure and come in. Mr. Benny? Yes. Here's a telegram for you. Right here, boy. Here's a tip. Geez, thanks. Now I can spend the rest of my life working. Hmm. Who's the wire from, Jack? Let's see. Oh, it's from Bob Hope. Now, isn't this clever? Well, what does he say? Dear Jack, happy to be on your program next week in Palm Springs, but I must warn you, as soon as I get five laughs, I'm going out and play golf. See, everybody counts. Good night, folks. Be sure to hear Dennis Dan today and the life of Dennis Day. Stay tuned until they understand each other's bottles immediately. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.