 J.P.L.L. Starring Jack Benny with Don Lester and his orchestra. And the orchestra opens the program with Put On Your Glasses. Hello, Mom. I knocked them out fast. Those that can get home to eat that jello you promised to make for me, because folks coming to jello now taste twice as good as ever before. Yes, sir, and folks are right about that. And now for that great actor, late star of Charlie Cahn, the parents of Wimple Street and ice cans of 42nd Street, Jack Benny. Hello again. It's me, Flo, Jackie Benny. I can't get rid of that dialect I had last week. Hey, Jack, you're getting to be quite an actor. Do you know that? Why, you're improving with each play. Why wouldn't I, Don? I'm a student of acting. That's my business. Now, when I go to a picture, I watch every move those stars make. Does it help you, Jack? Does it? Say, I got baby Leroy down to a T. I know every trick he uses. Why, baby Leroy, while you're speaking of an infant who says nothing but gaga. John, it isn't what the baby says. It's how he says it. For instance, an ordinary baby would just say gaga, gaga, gaga. There's no feeling to it. But what makes baby Leroy so good? He has talent. I mean, when he says gaga, gaga, gaga, he means it. Means what? Gaga. I see. I see, Jack, it's all in the intonation. That's it exactly. Hello, Jack. How are you? Hello, Mary. Now, Don, you take John Barrymore's baby. I've often heard him say gaga, gaga, gaga, gaga. Gaga, gaga, gaga. And what does that mean? To be or not to be. That is the question. Not really anybody could tell that. I suppose if Brad A'Garbo had a baby, it would say a tante go gaga. That's right, Mary. That's right. Well, Jack, I'll just bet that you were clever when you were a baby. Was he? He said, gaga, gaga, he was 21 years old. Is that so? Listen, I was a pretty smart kid, Don. Look, here's a picture I had taken when I was two years old with my nurse. Look at it. Here. Well, Jack, the nurse is sitting on your lap. Well, that's how smart I was. I guess that'll stop all arguments, you know? Here's a picture I had taken when I was two years old. I see it. See, you're a cute kid, Mary. But you're all alone. Where's the nurse? I took care of myself. That's how clever I was. Oh, I see you. Well, I'm here and ready to dish the dirt. Frank, a fine way to enter a high-class program. What are you raving about tonight, Jack? Oh, we were just showing pictures of ourselves when we were infants. You ever have a picture taken of yourself, Frank? I mean, when you were a baby? No, but I'm going to post it tomorrow. Frank, how could you have pictures taken now of when you were a baby? My dad is getting away with it. That's right. I'm sorry. Hey, Frank, did you see the picture of me when I was a kid? Wasn't I cute? Where? Right here. So on. That's your jollus. That is not. Well, you look awfully worried. You'd be worried, too, if you had a pin sticking in your stomach. Yeah. Who wouldn't worry? Look, there I am a year old and no hair yet. No what? Oh, are you starting again? Hair, hair. What's on your head? A policeman's club. I'm a communist. Play, Don, the next two jokes don't look so good. What's a communist, Jack? I'll tell you later, Mary. Jelonia, who are appearing at the Hippodrome Theatre Baltimore this week. How do you like that, Don? Thanks, Jack. You know, Don, I'm running out of names for your orchestra. No, I don't mind, Jack. You can cross anything. But I see a little hurt tonight. Hurt? Why, Don? Well, because you didn't ask to see my picture when I was a baby. Oh, Don, I'm terribly sorry. Really, I forgot you were an infant, too. Have you got a picture with him? Yes. Let's see it. Here I am, eight months old. Eight months old, jeez. Hey, well, you've got a soldier uniform on. Yes, I was in the infant. Oh. Well, wait a minute. Wow. Oh, well, what can you expect from a musician, you know? Don, I mean, where did you get that awful joke? I gave it to him, Jack. You gave it to him? Yes, he's getting too smart. Let that be a lesson to him. Mary, attend to your own business. Well, I hope we've seen everybody's picture now so we can go on with the program. You haven't seen this one, Jack. What is it, Don? Jello, when it was a baby, with its six delicious flavors and how it has grown. That's a mouth-to-mouth advertising, Don. You have just heard what that great star has said about Jello, and millions of others have said the same thing. Say, Parker, what's Trump? Club. Well, put one on Wilson's head, will you? And now, ladies and gentlemen, tonight we are going to continue with our series of intensely dramatic offerings, a play that never gets old and has brought tears to the eyes of the entire nation. In fact, if all the tears that this play has caused were put end to end, it would make a sucker out of the Atlantic Ocean. Its book has been read by you and you and you, and that's a lot of use for any book. Isn't it a good book, Mary? Yes, and a press of flowers beautifully. Well, anyway, this evening we are bringing you that immortal drama, Mrs. Wig of the Onion Patch. It's Cabbage Patch, Jack. Mary, whoever heard of a cabbage bringing tears. Now, most of you dramatic addicts will remember, I'll have to apologize for that one, too, will remember this play where Hoosies comes in and threatens, whatchamacallit, but what's his name, who made a million dollars selling some thingamajigs, comes in in the nick of time and saves Hoosies. Now, Mary Livingston will play the part of Hoosies, or Mrs. Wig, and I will play the millionaire. Wilson, lend me $10, will you, so I can feel the part? Here's five, I don't care how you feel. This play will go on immediately after the next number, which will be sung by Frank Parker. Oh, Jack, what part am I going to play in Mrs. Wig of the Onion Patch? One of the onions, you're pretty strong. Sing, Frank. Out of applause tonight, Frank. I was Frank Parker singing to seal my heart. And now for our tear-jerker, Mrs. Wig of the Onion Patch. Curtain, music done. Six o'clock and father isn't home from Alaska yet. Is father Alaska, mama? Yes. He left us last 30 years ago when you were all little tops. Come here, punks, and I'll tell you the story. Yes, ma'am, tell us. Go ahead, ma'am, let's hear it. Oh, I'm all ears. No wonder the old man left home. Get a load of those kids. Who's that, mother? He comes in later. Listen, my children, your father was an elbow vendor and spent all his money on Mary Musledge. One day we had a fight and I hit him over the head with a baby. Which one of us, ma'am? You with the black eye. The doctor went away to Alaska and left me with your six children on this onion patch. Destitute. What destitute, ma'am? Very unwealthy. What's the difference as long as she's healthy, huh, folks? Who is that man, ma'am? The voice of experience. Oh, ma'am, tomorrow's Thanksgiving. Are we going to have a Thanksgiving dinner? I'm afraid not, children. All we got in the icebox is tenderloin steak, asparagus, pumpkin pie, tomato, celery, oysters, and a turkey the size of our announcer. I bet he looks like him, too, huh? Bad man! Don't worry, mother. I'll get a job and take care of you. I'm going down to the mill now. Okay, have the soap to take you down in the town, son. Goodbye, ma'am. Be brave. I will, darling. Oh, woe's me, woe's me. You're up in Alaska, you nasty man. Who is it? Boris Van Itch. You're a wealthy neighbor from Tansbad. I'm a millionaire and I've come to help you, so help me. So help you. So help all of us. I hear things aren't going so well with you, Mrs. Wade. You said it, big boy. Look, six children and I'm a dollar and a half short of having a nickel. Hmm, nice little talk. What are their names? Strawberry, raspberry, cherry, orange, lemon, and lime. Yeah, I bet your husband's name is John Wil... I should say not. My husband went to Alaska to search for gold. He's been gone 30 years. Well, it does take time. You just can't find gold laying around. Well, what am I supposed to do to get back a fan, Dan? Well, it's honest work if you can stand the breeze. Well, anyway, I'm a millionaire. If you ever need any help, let me know. I need help right now. Well, if it happens again, let me know. Come in. Oh, dear me, I didn't know you had company here. Pardon me. She's what a handsome man. Thank you. Thank you. Who is that, Mrs. Wade? It's my neighbor, Mrs. Coupé. Hmm, Wig and Coupé. Well, don't you remember me, Sergeant O'Hare? What? What was that? Quiet. We did that joke already. Mr. Coupé is looking for a husband, too. When we see didn't lose one, he just never had any. Hmm, not a bad looking old battle axe. How old are you, Mr. Coupé? Forty-five. Nice age to get married. I'll have to introduce her to Don Dexter. Oh, I forgot to tell you, she's got a wood and a leg. Well, she doesn't want a musician, man. She wants a carpenter. I wonder who that can be. Come in. Mrs. Wig, I've come here to claim the homestead. I own this property and the mortgage is past due, so how'd you go? Oh, yeah? My husband bought me this home before he went to a last. And it belongs to me. Not yet. I've sold him this property for six dollars, and he still owes me three. The real estate is certainly going up. I'll give you till seven o'clock to pay this three dollars or else you go. What time is it now? Seven twenty. And we have no time to lose. Well, you better have it in ten minutes or I'll foreclose. Oh, where am I going to get three dollars? Have you got it, Mr. Coupé? If I had three dollars, I wouldn't be on this program. Have you got three dollars? Have you got three dollars, Mr. Vantage? I'm sorry, but if you ever need any help, just call on me. Thanks, Coupé. I don't know what I'd do without you. Hello, Ma. Hello, Mr. Vantage. Don't cry, Ma. It's your son's strawberry. Don't disturb your mother, son. She's in distress. Yeah, she's been in distress for ten years. It's time she got a new one. Wait a minute. Who told you that joke? My mother. Mary, will you stop giving everybody those rotten jokes, then? Let that be a lesson to him, too. Gee, mother looks sad. What happened when I was gone? The real estate man was here and said your father owed three dollars on this house. He did. Well, listen, Mr. Vantage. Keep your voice up, Frank. Oh, yeah. He did. Well, listen, Mr. Vantage. Why are Perkins horse just toppled over and he gave it to me? I think we can fix this horse up and get three dollars from him. What's the matter with the horse? Oh, nothing. Only he's blind. His rheumatism can't stand up. Say, I played worse horses than that at Belmont Park. Let's fix him up. Where is he? Right outside the house. Shall I give him some oats? Oats won't help him now. He's too far gone. Give him a scotch and soda. The horses won't drink scotch and soda? It's all right. Don Vester's playing the part of the horse. You know what I'm saying? Well, why don't you play that part? His ears are too long. Hey, stick to the play, will you? Well, it's eight o'clock and I want the money for the house. We got the house. Well, out you go. Come on, this is your duty. Okay. I'm very sorry, Mrs. Whig, but law is law. Come on, boys. No, no, no, not that, boys. We've got to move a house. Wait a while. Don't worry, boys. You'll get your usual scale. Come on, fellas. Get to work. Stop. Stop. Who's there coming down the street? It looks like father. It is father. My husband is back from Alaska. Daddy. How do you do, everybody? Say, what are you people doing in my house? Who are you? Jay's slept them in weeks. I'm the cabbage pest. Oh, hello, friends. What's going on here? Darling, I'm so glad you're back again. Have you got three dollars? You bought this house for me and still owe me three dollars. Well, keep the house. But three dollars a day, you can get enough of this building. Oh, so you're broke, too, eh? Who's broke? I'm just like Jello. Twice as rich as ever before. Purses. Likewise. That was very good, Mr. Wig, but tell me, where were you for the past 30 years? I went to Hollywood to try to get a job in the movies. Hollywood? I thought you went to Alaska. Who said Alaska? I went to Lasky. Oh, Jesse Lasky. Well, well. How is Jesse? Fine, and you? Likewise. Play, Sheriff. Play. That was Don Besser and his hand patches playing a medley from hit to deck. And now tonight, folks, our part of the program is practically over, but we have a real surprise for you. There's a young lady up here with us this evening, with whom I have the extreme pleasure of appearing in the same picture. A little lady who, in my opinion, is headed for Screen Stardom and whom you've seen and enjoyed on the stage and screened from the time she was six years old. You will remember her in such outstanding pictures as Honey, Tom Sawyer, Orphan Annie, and others too numerous to mention. Miss Mitzi Green. What's the secret of this? Yellow. Mitzi, you don't have to give that secret away. Are we embarrassed? But tell me, Mitzi, when you were a little kid and started on the stage, I mean, what were the very first words you said? You see, folks, is the way she said it, see? I think we're starting the program all over again. Say, Mitzi, you've been in dramatic shows and in all branches of show business. Tell me confidently, what did you think of the play we just did this evening? Oh, I'm very fond of cabbage. I know, Mitzi, wait a minute. I mean, how did you like the way I played my part? Well, if I can ever do anything for you, just let me know. Say, Mitzi, you haven't got $3, have you? Who's that? That's Mary Livingston. Haven't you met Miss Livingston? No. Mary, haven't you met Miss Green? No, Dad. Well, I beg your pardon, Mary Livingston, Mitzi Green. Oh, darling, the play is all mine. I've known you for years, and I've enjoyed your work so much. Why don't you come over and have tea sometime? We're looking fine. I like that hack, you know. Wait a minute. Hey, Jack, you gave us both the same speech. Oh, pardon me. Girls must be a typographical error. Double crosses. Mitzi, Mitzi, would you like to meet Frank Parker? No, I'm too young. Oh, yeah? I just played the kid part in Onion Patch. Oh, hello, Frankie. Hello, Miss. Familiar right away. Say, Mitzi, I know you do a lot of impersonations, and you don't like to keep doing them, but tonight I wish you'd do just one for us, George Arliss. Oh, no, Jack, that's just a facial expression. It isn't good for the microphone. Well, what's the difference? Everybody has seen Arliss. Try it anyway. Well, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll give you an impersonation of George Arliss imitating Mae West. Well, that's a novelty. Fine, go ahead. Hello, my fellow. It's not really convenient. I'm out of my number-do-missile with your pictures. What does that mean? Come up and see me sometime. Well, very good, Mitzi. That was swell. Fine. That was great. Cute, too, huh? Well, now my next impersonation will be the second mock brother imitating the third-nose brother. No, never mind that. Never mind her. How about a song? I know. I don't want to. Then why did you bring your music? Well, in case I have to sing. Oh, that's all I wanted to know. Mitzi, how about singing for me if I had a million dollars? Oh, Jack, I sing for you if you didn't have a dime. All right, here's the music, Don. If I had a million dollars from the motion picture, Clans Atlantic marries around. If I had a million dollars I know just what I would do I'd try a drink around the world and drink Oh, it's a little thing You pray for whatever they may I'd have enough to pay for them all Only, oh dear If I'd spend a million dollars I know I would never care Because as long as you were my man That's why I'm always free I was great, Mitzi, thanks And Mitzi? Mitzi, I want to thank you a thousand times It's been a great privilege and a pleasure to have you with us Right, bye, Jack. Play done Extra rich, crammed with fruit flavor And only jello gives you this new real Well, folks, this concludes our sixth program In the new jello series And again, I want to thank Mitzi Green For honoring us with her presence this evening Come on, Mary, let's go Mary, have you got the 10 cents with you? I forgot my bus fare at home No, but if you ever need any help, Jack Just call on me Good night, folks This is the national broadcasting couple WJZ, New York