 Well hello and welcome to Jonathan from the Heart. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this short video for you today. Our topic is, is he serious or just seeking something casual? Really quickly if you're brand new to my YouTube channel please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos and if anytime this video that content resonates with you please hit that like button so I can be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Also these are my weekend videos I shoot on my balcony very similar to the videos I shoot my private group called Midlife Love Mastery. This is a group where you can have direct access to me on a regular basis and based on the questions you post in the group I shoot a personalized video just for you. Alright we're gonna talk about is he serious or something seeking something casual? Which one is he? Alright I am sure you ladies are tired of flaky men. I am sure you are tired of trying to figure out man. I'm also sure you're tired of listening to advice that tells you have to constantly change to get men. And it makes rather sense because it is a chaotic frustrating dating world out there and many of us are going wait a minute I thought this was going to be way easier. Why isn't it easier? We're going to talk about some of the reasons why men seek casual versus something serious. We're going to talk about why it is such a challenge and we're going to come up with some solutions to help you. So stick around till the very end of this. Alright let's talk about the difference between casual and serious. You know it's interesting I just was speaking to a group of male friends of mine about a half a dozen guys and I know it's in my men's group and these are all men in their in midlife I think either 50 or 60. Most of these men are in their 50s or 60s and they're actually in a pretty serious relationship. I say pretty serious because I'm pretty sure they're all serious but I can't speak for them specifically. And what was interesting is as I interview them by the way they all met their partner online. These are men who are basically in the last five years have met someone online and they're in serious relationships. In fact I think of the five three of them are living with their partner and I was talking to them about you know why is it that this you know I'm tongue-tied here. I was basically asking you know what's the recipe for your relationship success and there was something interesting that they all said. And I'm going to talk about that in a moment because there is one thing for men who are serious that show up in relationship I think different than men who are seeking casual. Now here's the thing about men who are seeking casual. I think there's three or four different types of men who are seeking casual and I want to lean into this today to give you better understanding because you might be you might be faced with one of these types of guys and I want to give you some tools to avoid not so much you're not going to be able to avoid these guys. Let me repeat that you're not going to be able to avoid the men who are casual. In fact that's possibly because probably 80 plus percent of the people both men and women alike who are in the dating realm are actually only capable of something casual. So you're not going to be able to avoid them. What I want to help you do is eliminate them really quickly. In fact in my private coaching program one of things I help women with is what I call pre-qualifying their prospect pre-qualifying their prospect. Basically what are the questions you ask someone to determine if they're a really good fit for you and how do you vet for emotional maturity. So if you need help with that check out the link to a free discovery call to see if working with a coach is right for you. Also don't forget my group midlife love mastery. All right so let's talk about casual men and there's three types of casual men I want to talk about today. And the first one I'm going to put on my trusty glasses I want to show here everyone here I've got my notes. I want to talk about there's a certain type of casual guy I call him ambivalent indifferent or aloof. Ambivalent, ambivalent, indifferent or aloof. This is most likely a man who has felt burned by women in his life. He has probably had some significant pain associated with women. And the reason why he acts indifferent aloof ambivalent is because he's wearing an armor. He's wearing armor. In fact for all three of the men we're about to talk about in the casual realm, they're all wearing armor. What's interesting about armor, I want to share something that Brene Brown said. And if you're not familiar with the work of Brene Brown, I highly recommend checking out the book, The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection. Let go of who you think you're supposed to be to embrace who you are. Why I want to talk about this today is she said something fascinating. I had to write it down. So here's my notes on it. Actually, one of one of my midlife love mastery members wrote this. So it might be her words, not specifically Brene Brown's words, but she says at midlife, you unravel all your coping strategies from childhood fail, and you're hurting. And they're hurting you. Faced with this, you either choose to grow or double down on wearing armor that pushes people away. I'm gonna repeat that. Faced with this, you either choose to grow or double down wearing armor that pushes people away. So isn't it fascinating? So here's the thing about people who are indifferent ambivalent or loof is that they're oftentimes hurting on the inside. And if you've never heard the phrase hurt people hurt others hurt people hurt others. The reality is as many of us have been, you know, the reason why this happens at midlife is like what Brene Brown says, all of our childhood coping skills start to unravel. I'm sure you've heard the term midlife crisis. And the old version of midlife crisis is a guy would go out and buy a Corvette because most likely what happened in his life is he started to follow programming and not really his pure passion and desires. So what's happened with the folks that are wearing armor is that they're hurting on the inside and most all of us have experienced trauma in our lives. We've experienced may some have experienced significant trauma. I've talked to men who were sexually abused and physically abused by their parents. Just to give you an example, I know many women have experienced the same type of trauma as well. So there's big trauma and most of us experienced little trauma. Did you know? I want you to think about this for a second. You're at fifth grade or not fifth grade, you're five years old, and your mom is taking you to school for the first time, you've basically spent the last five years in your in your parents home being loved and nurtured by your parents. And now it's kindergarten time or preschool time. And your mom takes you to school. And they're waving goodbye, Johnny, I'll see you later, Johnny, I'll see you later. But to a little kid that might feel abandonment, it might feel like your whole world changed. All of a sudden, you've been thrust into this environment where it's a bunch of other kids and you think, oh, you know, to a little child might be think you might think it's fun. But to a little child that might feel like abandonment. Did you know this is probably one of the first scars of many we experience in childhood. And that doesn't include the wounds we experience, you know, in grade school and such like that by other children. So we all have experienced trauma. And as Brené Brown says, it starts to unravel. So these men who are seeking casual this group of men that they're aloof and bivalent, most likely they've been also hurt in the past. And while they're seeking, here's the thing, you might be going, well, Jonathan, why do they want to seek a relationship? Because human beings need physical connection with other human beings. Men and women are thirsty for connection, companionship, physical intimacy, sex with one another. So they might be a pre might be seeking a relationship, but they're only capable of casual. And we're going to get to how to solve that really quickly. Number two is, what did I write down here? Oh, they're just incapable. Their life is a mess. Their life is a mess. They're deeply wounded, and they have weak emotional skills to be in relationship. Folks, this isn't strict to men. This is women as well. Everything I'm sharing here today, everything about my channel is to differentiate is that it's not a male female thing. It's a human thing. This is why if you follow my channel, you might know that I'm absolutely frustrated with most dating advice, because it's all egoic based trying to get you to the masculine and feminine energy and to think that this is just somehow going to magically work out when you're dealing with human beings who have unhealed wounds and traumas, and then as they have a choice, they can either grow through it. Or as Brené Brown says, double down on it. By the way, if you're not familiar with the work of Alison Armstrong, she wrote a book called The Queen's Code, The Queen's Code. And why I love Alison's work is it is it talks about the tunnel men go through this tunnel men go through that can last decades in many cases where it takes time to heal our childhood wounds and traumas. Folks, I've been at this now for almost a decade. And I would say I've really accelerated in the last few years, sadly, because I was catapulted in a way I never thought was going to happen when I lost my 19 year old son Connor three years ago. And in my depths of my despair, within two months, I said, I am not. I he would never want me to suffer. He would never want me to suffer. So that's when I leaned in and started writing my second book. What the heck of self love anyway, what the heck of self love anyway, dedicated to Connor, there's a link below to Jonathan recommends books, including my book. While I'm sharing with you, this was my cathartic approach to get out of the tunnel that Alison talks about. And sadly, many men are in this tunnel, just like many women are in this tunnel. This is why I'm such a big proponent. There's my coffee mug today. Love yourself love yourself is to love on oneself. By the way, the fantastic four is the representation of all the different personalities we show up with in life, because that's the reality is we we human beings have multiple personalities that have been layered by this armor that makes it difficult to really connect with another human being. And the third type of guy that's seeking casual is the selfish guy. He's all in it for himself. You know, this guy, we call them the narcissist, we call them the players, we call them these are myopic men that are very selfish, they're in their own bubble, all they care about their own needs. I'm going to tell you in the beginning stages when I after my divorce, I was the selfish guy. I wasn't so much the player the narcissist, but I was so in it for what can I get for myself, especially in the area of sex. And these are the men that tend to lead with sex, or they tend to come on ridiculously strong, ridiculously strong. I don't mean, look at when a man's excited, I know when I get excited, it might seem like I come on strong, but I'm talking about guys who are laser and trying to convince you to be with them. In fact, for them, it's the challenge, they like the challenge are you pushing away. But here's the thing about the guys that like the challenge, the minute they nail you, they're on to the next one. So be careful about this rhetoric that men love competition and men love the challenge. unhealthy men love that people like myself, if you're playing games where you want to give me a challenge, I'm done either we're meeting at the 50 yard line, or I'm moving on at least if you're interested in guys like me who have done the work. And so now I want to lean into the serious guy and how to really vet for him. So you can avoid going out with those men that are casual, the difference with men who are actually seeking a serious relationship is that they're intentional. They're very intentional. They're very upfront right from the get go. They are candid about that they want a serious relationship that they're seeking a life partner. And for those of us in midlife, many of us, many people, I'm going to say many of us excluding myself don't necessarily want if they've gone through a divorce, don't necessarily want to get remarried. I personally do want to get remarried. Actually realize this last night, I want to build a life with somebody, I really want to build a life with somebody. And I was thinking about men who are serious and one of the unique things I see with all the men who are serious is that they're active in doing introspective work, they're active in doing introspective work. In other words, they're curious about this armor, they're curious. And by the way, the armor just represents the pain we've all experienced and why these men who are intentional. Is they're curious? Is they actually go seek help? In fact, one of my clients who's been in a three year relationship and find the fact yesterday she told me officially they plan on moving in together, which is great because he's letting her redecorate his home to make it feel more like her home. And what was unique about him is that he's been doing therapy for 20 years, he's been doing therapy for 20 years. Why I mentioned this is he goes to a therapist once a week to talk to actually to talk about his issues to talk about his problems to talk about his emotions with the intent of improvement. And I will tell you this is a man who wasn't overly traumatized in his childhood, it wasn't the one of those where it's deep, serious trauma. He's got garden variety trauma that most of us experienced, including that abandonment we've many of us have felt. And he goes to someone and talks to them on a regular basis. I think of my best friend, who isn't really into the woo woo stuff that I'm into the spiritual stuff like, you know, like the books I talk about. But I gave him a copy of the book, the Hoffman process, the Hoffman process. This is a deep dive into healing childhood wounds and traumas that cause negative patterns and limiting beliefs in our lives that really cause us to actually have unhealthy inner peace. And when he read this book, along with the book, the untethered soul, he said to me, he was so grateful, particularly the untethered soul, I didn't bring a copy of it. Untethered soul is by Michael Singer, by the way, there's a link below why he appreciated that book so much is allowed him to look introspectively. Now he follows Joe dispense, I gave him Joe dispenses book and such. And he he's constantly introspective. Men who are interest and he basically recognizes when he's not feeling good. In other words, he's feeling outside of his inner peace. He does something to come back to center. For some men, it's meditation. For some men, it's personal development work for myself. For some men, it's it's exercise. I think exercise is great, especially men that do heavy exercise, because it's cathartic and it releases energy. It releases stored up energy that can cause us to feel weighted down. So men who are actually serious are more intentional in the process, they, their actions match their words consistently, they have Victor consciousness, meaning they're not always blaming others for their problems. They know actually how to fight fair. And what I mean is they know how to listen to your point of view and accept your point of view is being true for you. They have a level of empathy, meaning they care about your feelings and they can feel your feelings to some degree and they're transparent. And so how can you figure these guys out versus the casual guys? Folks, it starts by asking way better questions in the early stages of dating, mating and relating. Here's the thing. I know most even indoctrinated that the masculine was supposed to do this and the feminine is supposed to do that. And it's just dating is about having fun. Here's the thing, you go out on one or two dates with a guy, and it goes nowhere. You go out again, one or two dates with a guy, it goes nowhere. You go out again. After a while, a lot of repetitive dating can wear on us emotionally. Did you know that the number one emotional health issue facing everybody is I'm not good enough. I'm not lovable and I'm not likable. And dating can trigger that like nobody's business. And how we can shift that right from the get go at least this is my invitation for you. I'm this is this is not the gospel. This is just an invitation for you. And that is this. I want to invite you to ask better questions before you even when you get on the phone before you even have that first date is ask some really good questions. When you're on the date, ask some good questions. And it's very conversational, not confrontational. Ask better questions to determine if you guys are on the same page. By the way, if you're not familiar with my relationship iceberg, here it is. And if you can see above the waterline is attraction and you can see chemistry is the tip of the iceberg, and compatibility is below the waterline that shared values, blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity. And as you start checking the boxes that you share the same values, your lifestyles are blendable, and you have emotional maturity, the waterline drops of attraction, and you become more and more attracted to each other. How you're going to get there, you're going to have to ask better questions because this whole narrative that it's all about having fun and you know, just, you know, the guy should be chivalrous and he should pay for dates and take you out and romance you romance should be reserved for those who are in a relationship, not as a way to get a relationship because those that do romance to get a relationship, oftentimes they take off like a rocket and they crash and burn because they're not paying attention. Do we share the same values? Are our lifestyles blendable? And lastly, is this person emotionally mature enough to be in relationship? And as I said before, most likely 80% of the population is armored up. And many of those people in the 80% are doubling down on their armor, they will avoid going into deeper intimacy. So if you need help learning how to ask better questions, schedule a discovery call with me, that's my area of expertise. If you want to work with a coach to get there, I definitely recommend talking to me. All right, we just differentiate the guys who are serious, they're intentional, casual guys, they're either indifferent or aloof or ambivalent, they're incapable because their life is a mess, they're going through a divorce, they're going through job issues or whatnot, their life is a mess. Or lastly, selfish, those players and narcissists out there that only care for themselves. I want to help you avoid the casual guys to help you attract a great relationship in your life. So let me help you with that. All right, if you have any thoughts or any questions, please post a comment below. I just I hope I do my best to read them all. If you like my shirt or you like my mug, let me know as well. Love yourself. And lastly, please share this video with your friends. All right, I'm going to wrap up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big gigantic Jonathan Barrow hug of self love. I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm going to ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear or pillow and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye-bye now.