 Section 23. The Private Memoirs and Confessions of a Sinner. Written by himself by James Hogg. This is a LibreBox recording. All LibreBox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibreBox.org. The truth is that the clown's absurd story, with a still more ridiculous application, made me sick at heart a second time. It was not because I thought my illustrious friend was the devil, or that I took a fool's idle tale as a counterbalance to divine revelation that had assured me of my justification in the sight of God before the existence of time. But in short, it gave me a view of my own state, at which I shuddered, as indeed I now always did when the image of my devoted friend and ruler presented itself to my mind. I often communed with my heart on this, and wondered how a connection that had the well-being of mankind solely in view could be productive of fruit so bitter. I then went to try my works by the Saviour's golden rule, as my servant had put it into my head to do. And behold, not one of them could stand the test. I had shed blood on the ground on which I could not admit that any man had a right to shed mine, and I began to doubt the motives of my advisor once more. Not that they were intentionally bad, but that his was some great mind led astray by enthusiasm or some overpowering passion. He seemed to comprehend every one of these motions of my heart, for his manner towards me altered every day. It first became anything but agreeable, then supercilious and finally intolerable, so that I resolved to shake him off, cost what it would, even though I should be reduced to beg my bread in a foreign land. To do it at home was impossible, as he held my life in his hands, to sell it whenever he had a mind, and besides, his ascendancy over me was as complete as that of a huntsman over his dogs. I was even so weak as, the next time I met with him, to look steadfastly at his foot, to see if it was not cloven into two hooves. It was the foot of a gentleman in every respect, so far as appearances went, but the form of his counsels was somewhat equivocal, and if not double, they were amazingly crooked. But, if I had taken my measures to abscond and fly for my native place, in order to free myself of this tormenting, intolerable and bloody reformer, he had likewise taken his to expel me, or throw me into the hands of justice. It seems that, about this time, I was haunted by some spies connected with my late father and brother, of whom the mistress of the former was one. My brother's death had been witnessed by two individuals. Indeed, I always had an impression that it was witnessed by more than one, having some faint recollection of hearing voices and challenges close beside me. And this woman had searched about until she found these people, but as I shrewdly suspected, not without the assistance of the only person in my secret, my own warm and devoted friend. I say this because I found that he had them concealed in the neighborhood, and then he took me again and again where I was fully exposed to their view, without being aware. One time, in particular, on pretense of gratifying my revenge on that base woman, he knew so well where she lay concealed that he led me to her, and left me to the mercy of two verigos who had very night taken my life. My time of residence at Dahl Castle was wearing to a crisis. I could no longer live with my tyrant, who haunted me like my shadow, and besides, it seems there were proofs of murder leaning against me from all quarters. Of part of these, I deemed myself quite free, but the world deemed otherwise, and how the matter would have gone, God only knows, for the case never having undergone a judicial trial, I do not. It perhaps, however, behooves me here to relate all that I know of it, and it is simply this. On the first of June, 1712, well may I remember the day. I was sitting locked in my secret chamber in a state of the utmost despondency, revolving in my mind what I ought to do to be free of my persecutors, and wishing myself a worm or a moth that I might be crushed and at rest. When behold, Samuel entered, with eyes like to start out of his head, exclaiming, For God's sake, master, fly and hide yourself, for your mother's found, and as sure as you're a living soul, the blame gonna fall on you. My mother found, said I, and pray, where has she been all this while? In the meantime, I was terribly discomposed at the thoughts of her return. Been, sir? Been? Why, she has been where you patter, it seems, lying buried in the sands of the Linn. I can tell you, ye will see her a frightsome figure, sick as I never wish to see again. And the young lady is found too, sir. And it is said, the devil, I beg your pardon, sir, your friend, I mean. It is said your friend has made the discovery, and the folk are away to raise officers, and they will be here in an hour or two at the farthest, sir, And say, ye hey, not a minute to lose, for there's proof, sir, strong proof, and sworn proof, that ye were last seen with him bathed. Say, unless ye can gie the better an account, abath yourself in them, either hide or flee for your bare life. I will neither hide nor fly, said I, for I am as guiltless of the blood of these women as the child unborn. The country does not think, say, master, and I can assure you that, should evidence fail, you run a risk of being torn limb for limb. They are bringing the corpse here, to guard ye touched them batheth for witnesses, and plenty of witnesses there will be. They shall not bring them here, cried I, shocked beyond measure at the experiment about to be made. Go, instantly, and to bar them from entering my gate with their bloated and mangled carcasses. The body of your own mother, sir, said the fellow emphatically. I was in terrible agitation, and being driven to my wit's end, I got up and strode furiously round and round the room. Samuel wit's not what to do, but I saw by his staring he deemed me doubly guilty. A tap came to the chamber door. We both started like guilty creatures, and as for Samuel, his hairs stood all on end with alarm, so that, when I motioned to him, he could scarcely advance to open the door. He did so at length, and who should enter but my illustrious friend, manifestly in the utmost state of alarm. The moment that Samuel admitted him, the former made his escape by the prince's side as he entered, seemingly in a state of distraction. I was little better when I saw this dreaded personage enter my chamber, which he had never before attempted, and being unable to ask his errand. I suppose I stood engaged on him like a statue. I come with sad and tormenting tidings to you, my beloved and ungrateful friend, said he, but having only a minute left to save your life, I have come to attempt it. There is a mob coming towards you with two dead bodies, which will place you in circumstances disagreeable enough, but that is not the worst, for of that you may be able to clear yourself. At this moment there is a party of officers with the judiciary warrant from Edinburgh surrounding the house and about to begin the search of it for you. If you fall into their hands, you are inevitably lost, for I have been making earnest inquiries and find that everything is in train for your ruin. I, and who has been the cause of all this, said I, with great bitterness. But he stopped me short, adding, There is no time for such reflections at present. I gave my word of honour that your life should be safe from the hand of man. So it shall, if the power remain with me to save it. I have come to redeem my pledge and to save your life by the sacrifice of my own. Here, not one word of expostulation. Change happens with me, and you may then pass by the officers and guards and even through the approaching mob with the most perfect temerity. There is a virtue in this garb, and instead of offering to detain you, they shall pay you obeisance. Make haste and leave this place for the present. Flying where you best may, and if I escape from these dangers that surround me, I will endeavor to find you out and bring you what intelligence I am able. I put on his green frock coat, buff belt, and a sort of a turban that he always wore on his head. Somewhat resembling a bishop's miter. He drew his hand thrice across my face, and I withdrew as he continued to urge me. My hall door and postern gate were both strongly guarded, and there were sundry armed people within, searching the closets. But all of them made way for me and lifted their caps as I passed by them. Only one superior officer accosted me, asking if I had seen the culprit. I knew not what answer to make, but chance to say with great truth and propriety, he is safe enough. The man beckoned with a smile as much as to say, Thank you, sir, that is quite sufficient, and I walked deliberately away. I had not well left the gate till, hearing a great noise coming from the deep glen towards the east. I turned that way, deeming myself quite secure in this my new disguise, to see what it was, and if it matters were as had been described to me. There I met a great mob, sure enough, coming with two dead bodies stretched on boards, and decently covered with white sheets. I would fain have examined their appearance, had I not perceived the apparent fury in the looks of the men, and judged from that how much more safe it was for me not to inter-metal in the affray. I could not tell how it was, but I felt a strange and unwanted delight in viewing this scene, and a certain pride of heart in being supposed a perpetrator of the unnatural crimes laid to my charge. This was a feeling quite new to me, and if there were virtues in the robes of the illustrious foreigner, who had without all dispute preserved my life at this time, I say, if there was any inherent virtue in these robes of his, as he had suggested, this was one of their effects that they turned my heart towards that which was evil, horrible, and disgustful. I mixed with the mob to hear what they were saying. Every tongue was engaged in loaning me with the most appropriate epithets. One called me a monster of nature, another an incarnate devil, and another a creature made to be cursed in time and eternity. I retired from them and winded my way southwards, comforting myself with the assurance that so mankind had used and persecuted the greatest fathers and apostles of the Christian church, and that their vile opprobrium could not alter the counsels of heaven concerning me. On going over that rising ground called Dorington Moor, I could not help turning round and taking a look of Dahl Castle. I had little doubt that it would be my last look, and nearly as little ambition that it should not. I thought how high my hopes of happiness and advancement had been on entering that mansion and taking possession of its rich and extensive domains, and how miserably I had been disappointed. On the contrary, I had experienced nothing but chagrin, disgust and terror, and I now consoled myself with the hope that I should henceforth shake myself free of the chains of my great tormentor. And for that privilege was I willing to encounter any earthly distress. I could not help perceiving that I was now on a path which was likely to lead me into a species of distress hitherto unknown and hardly dreamed of by me, and that was total destitution. For all the riches I had been possessed of a few hours previous to this, I found that here I was turned out of my lordly possessions without a single mark or the power of lifting and commanding the smallest sum without being thereby discovered and seized. Had it been possible for me to have escaped in my own clothes, I had a considerable sum secreted in these. But by the sudden change I was left without a coin for present necessity. But I had hope in heaven, knowing that the just man would not be left destitute in that, though many trouble surrounded him, he would at last be set free from them all. I was possessed of strong and brilliant parts and a liberal education, and though I had somehow unaccountably suffered my theological qualifications to fall into destitute since my acquaintance with the all-blessed and most rigid of all theologians, I had nevertheless hopes that, by preaching up redemption by grace, preordination and eternal purpose, I should yet be enabled to benefit mankind in some country and rise to high distinction. These were some of the thoughts by which I consoled myself as I posted on my way southwards, avoiding the towns and villages, and falling into the crossways that led from each of the great roads, passing east and west to another. I lodged the first night in the house of a country weaver, into which I stepped at a late hour, quite overcome with hunger and fatigue, having traveled not less than thirty miles from my late home. The man received me ungraciously, telling me of a gentleman's house at no great distance, and of an inn a little farther away. But I said I delighted more in the society of a man like him than that of any gentleman of the land. For my concerns were with the poor of this world, it being easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of heaven. The weaver's wife, who sat with a child on her knee, and had not hitherto opened her mouth, hearing me speak in that serious and religious style, stirred up the fire with her one hand, then, drawing a chair near it, she said, Come away on a slide and by here, send it be say that you be lying to him, why give us that we hey, it is but right that you should share a part. You are a stranger, it is true, but them that when entertained a stranger will never entertain an angel unawares. I never was apt to be taken with the simplicity of nature. In general, I despised it. But owing to my circumstances at the time, I was deeply affected by the manner of this poor woman's welcome. The weaver continued in a churlish mood throughout the evening, apparently dissatisfied with what his wife had done in entertaining me, and spoke to her in a manner so crusty that I thought proper to rebuke him, for the woman was calmly in her person and virtuous in her conversation. But the weaver, her husband, was large of make, ill-favored and pestilent, therefore did I take him severely to task for the tenor of his conduct. But the man was forward and answered me rudely with sneering and derision, and, in the height of his caprice, he said to his wife, One fox was seen keen of a chance of entertaining angels, good wife. It would may better be worth their while to take tent what kind of angels they are. It won no wonder me vera muckel and ye had entertained your friend the deal the night, for awe thought awe fond and saw a reek and a brimstain about him. He's name are the best of angels, and fox win a hay muckel kredet by entertaining him. Certainly, in the assured state I was in, I had as little reason to be alarmed at mention being made of the devil as any person on earth. Of late, however, I felt that the reverse was the case, and that any allusion to my great enemy moved me exceedingly. The weaver's speech had such an effect on me that both he and his wife were alarmed at my looks. The latter thought I was angry, and chided her husband gently for his rudeness. But the weaver himself rather seemed to be confirmed in his opinion that I was the devil. For he looked round like a startled roe buck, and immediately betook him to the family Bible. I know not whether it was on purpose to prove my identity or not, but I think he was going to desire me either to read a certain portion of Scripture that he had sought out, or to make family worship, had not the conversation at that instant taken another turn. For the weaver, not knowing how to address me, abruptly asked my name, as he was about to put the Bible into my hands. Never having considered myself in the light of a male factor, but rather as a champion in the cause of truth, and finding myself perfectly safe under my disguise, I had never once thought of the utility of changing my name. And when the man asked me, I hesitated, but being compelled to say something, I said my name was Colwayne. The man stared at me, and then at his wife, with a look that spoke of knowledge of something alarming or mysterious. Ha! Colwayne, said he. That's most extraordinary, not Colwayne, I hope. No, Colwayne is my surname, said I. But why not Colwayne? There being so little difference in the sound. I was feared he might be that rarich that the deal has tanned the possession o' and ain't get him on to kill Bath, his father and his mother, his only brother and his sweetheart, said he. And to say the truth, I'm no that sure about you yet, for I see you're gone wee arms on ye. Not I, honest man, said I. I carry no arms. A man conscious of his innocence and uprightness of heart needs not to carry arms in his defense now. Aye-aye, maester, said he. And pray what divya-cad this bit-wittle stray that's appearing here. With that he pointed to something on the inside of the breast of my frock coat. I looked at it, and there certainly was the gilded half of a poineard. The same weapon I had seen and handled before, in which I knew my illustrious companion carried about with him. But till that moment I knew not that I was in possession of it. I drew it out. A more dangerous or insidious-looking weapon could not be conceived. The weaver and his wife were both frightened, the latter in particular, and she being my friend, and I dependent on their hospitality for that night, I said, I declare I knew not that I carried this small rapier, which has been in my coat by chance, and not by any design of mine. But lest you think that I mediate any mischief to any under this roof, I give it into your hands, requesting of you to lock it by till tomorrow, or when I shall next want it. The woman seemed rather glad to get hold of it, and taking it from me, she went into a kind of pantry out of my sight, and locked the weapon up, and then the discourse went on. There cannot be such a thing in reality, said I. As the story you were mentioning just now, of a man whose name resembles mine, it's likely that you can a wee better about the story than I do, maester, said he. Suppose you do leave the L out of your name, and yet I think sick of rich and a murderer. Wait, hey, tan a name, we sum greater difference in the sound. But the story is just that true that there were Twa, the queen's officers here, near Mer than an hour ago, in pursuit of the vagabond. For they got some intelligence that he had fled this gate, yet they said he had been last seen with black clays on, and they suppose he was clad in black. His ain't servant is we them, for the purpose of kin in the scoundrel, and they're galloping through the country like madmen. I hope in God they'll get him, and rack his neck for him. I could not say amen to the weaver's prayer, and therefore tried to compose myself as well as I could, and made some religious comment on the causes of the nation's depravity. But suspecting that my potent friend had betrayed my flight and disguise to save his life, I was very uneasy, and gave myself up for lost. I said prayers in the family, with the tenor of which the wife was delighted, but the weaver still dissatisfied, and after a supper of the most homely fare, he tried to start an argument with me, proving that everything for which I had interceded in my prayer was irrelevant to man's present state. But I, being weary and distressed in mind, shunned the contest, and requested a couch whereupon to repose. End of section 23, section 24 The Private Memoirs and Confessions of a Sinner, written by himself by James Hogg. This is a Lieberbox recording. All Lieberbox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit Lieberbox.org. I was conducted into the other end of the house, among looms, treedles, perns, and confusion without end, and there, in a sort of box, was I shut up for the night's repose. For the weaver, as he left me, cautiously turned the key of my apartment, and left me to shift for myself among the looms, determined that I should escape from the house with nothing. After he and his wife and children were crowded into their den, I heard the two mates contending furiously about me and suppressed voices, the one maintaining the probability that I was the murderer, and the other proving the impossibility of it. The husband, however, said as much as let me understand that he had locked me up on purpose to bring the military, or officers of justice, to seize me. I was in the utmost perplexity. Yet for all that, and the eminent danger I was in, I fell asleep, and a more troubled and tormenting sleep never enchained a mortal frame. I had such dreams that they will not bear repetition, and early in the morning I awaked, feverish and parched with thirst. I went to call my host, that he might let me out to the open air, but before doing so, I thought it necessary to put on some clothes. In attempting to do this, a circumstance arrested my attention, for which I could in no wise account, which to this day I cannot unriddle, nor shall I ever be able to comprehend it while I live. The frock and turban, which had furnished my disguise on the preceding day, were both removed, and my own black coat and cocked hat laid down in their place. At first I thought I was in a dream, and felt the weaver's beam, web, and treetal strings with my hands to convince myself that I was awake. I was certainly awake, and there was the door locked firm and fast as it was the evening before. I carried my own black coat to the small window and examined it. It was my own in verity, and the sums of money that I had concealed in case of any emergency remained untouched. I trembled with astonishment, and on my return from the small window went doiding and amongst the weaver's looms, till I entangled myself and could not get out again without working great deray amongst the coarse linen threads that stood and warped from one end of the apartment unto the other. I had no knife whereby to cut the cords of this wicked man, and therefore was obliged to call out lustily for assistance. The weaver came half naked, unlocked the door, and setting in his head and long neck accosted me thus. What now, Mr. Satan? What for are ye roaring that gate? Are ye fond in a little hell instead of the big muckalane? Deal be in your resisted trams. What for have ye absconded yourself into my lad's web for? Friend, I beg your pardon, said I. I wanted to be at the light, and have somehow unfortunately involved myself in the intricacies of your web, from which I cannot get clear without doing you a great injury. Pray, do lend your experienced hand to extricate me. May all the pearls of damnation light on your silly snout, and I didn't excrete ye will enough. Ye did it to Donaut, deal's bird that ye be. What made ye gang-hulking in there to be a poor man's ruin? Come out, ye vile rag of a muffin. Or I garr ye come out, we mare shame and disgrace, and fewer hail banes in your body. My feet had slipped down through the double warpings of a web, and not being able to reach the ground with them. There being a small pit below, I rode upon a number of yielding threads, and there being nothing else that I could reach to extricate myself was impossible. I was utterly powerless, and besides, the yarn and cords hurt me very much. For all that, the destructive weaver seized a loom-spoke, and began a beating me most unmercifully. While entangled as I was, I could do nothing but shout aloud for mercy or assistance, whichever chance to be within hearing. The latter at length made its appearance in the form of the weaver's wife, in the same state of dishebile with himself, who instantly interfered, and that most strenuously on my behalf, before her arrival, however, I had made a desperate effort to throw myself out of the entanglement I was in. For the weaver continued repeating his blows and cursing me so that I determined to get out of his meshes at any risk. The effect made my case worse. For my feet being wrapped among the nether threads, as I threw myself from my saddle on the upper ones, my feet brought the others up through these, and I hung with my head down and my feet as firm as they had been in a vice. The predicament of a web being thereby increased, the weaver's wrath was doubled in proportion, and he laid on without mercy. At this critical juncture the wife arrived, and without hesitation rushed before her offended lord, withholding his hand from injuring me further, although that it was uplifted along with the loom-spoke and overbearing err. Dear Johnny, I think you began dementing this morning. Be quiet, my dear, and did not begin a bottle-brigged business in Yaine House. What foreear you persecute and a servant of the lord's net gate, and pitting the life out of him with his head down and his heels up? Had ye said a servant of the deals? Nans, ye wade hay been near the nail. For again he been of the old on himself. He's gaonsibb till him. There, did not I lock him in on purpose to bring the military on him? And in the place of that, has not he kept me in asleep by this while as deep as death? In here do I find him absconded like a speeder eye the mids of my daddy's web, and me dreaming of the night that I had the deal I in my house. And that he was a clapper claw on me eye unto the loom. Have at you, ye breast-ain thief! And in spite of the good woman's struggles, he let me another severe blow. Now, Johnny Dodds, my man. Oh, Johnny Dodds, think if that be like a Christian and Aino the hero's a bawdy-brig to entertain a stranger, and then bind him in a web we his head down and mel him to death. Oh, Johnny Dodds, think what you are about. Slack a pin and let the good honest religious lad out. The weaver was rather overcome, but still stood to his point that I was the deal, though in better temper. And as he slackened the web to release me, he remarked half laughing. Well, what hay thought that John Dodds should hay escape it out of the snares and dangers that circumfaulted him? And at last should hay weaved a net to catch the deal. The wife released me soon, and carefully whispered me at the same time that it would be as well for me to dress and be going. I was not long in obeying, and dressed myself in my black clothes, hardly knowing what I did, what to think or wither to be take myself. I was sore hurt by the blows of the desperate Ruffian, and what was worse, my ankle was so much strained that I could hardly set my foot to the ground. I was obliged to apply to the weaver once more, to see if I could learn anything about my clothes or how the change was affected. Sir, said I, how comes it that you have robbed me of my clothes and put these down in their place overnight? Ha-ha! To class! Me put down the class, said he, gaping with astonishment, and touching the clothes with the point of his forefinger. I never saw them before, as I have death to meet we, so help me God. He strode into the workhouse where I slept to satisfy himself that my clothes were not there, and returned perfectly aghast with consternation. The doors were bathed fast locket, said he. I could hay defied a rat either to hay gotten out or in. My dream has been true! My dream has been true! The Lord judged between thee and me, but in his name I charge you to depart out of this house and get it to be your will. Dina take the bride side at we, but gang quietly out at the door we your face foremost. Wife, let not owe this enchantments remain I the house, to be a curse and a snare to us. Gang and bring him his guilted weapon, and may the Lord protect a hisane against its hellish and deadly point. The wife went to seek my poignard, trembling so excessively that she could hardly walk, and shortly after we heard a feeble scream from the pantry. The weapon had disappeared with the clothes, though under double lock and key, and the terror of the good people having now reached a disgusting extremity I thought proper to make a sudden retreat, followed by the weavers anathemas. My state, both of body and mind, was now truly deplorable. I was hungry, wounded in lame, an outcast in a vagabond in society. My life sought after with avidity, and all for doing that to which I was predestined by him, who for ordains whatever comes to pass. I knew not wither to betake me. I had purposed going into England, and there making some use of the classical education I had received, but my lameness rendered this impracticable for the present. I was therefore obliged to turn my face towards Edinburgh, where I was little known. Where concealment was more practicable than by skulking in the country, and where I might turn my mind to something that was great and good. I had a little money, both Scotch and English, now in my possession, but not one friend in the whole world on whom I could rely. One devoted friend, it is true, I had, but he was become my greatest terror. To escape from him, I now felt that I would willingly travel to the farthest corners of the world, and be subjected to every deprivation. But after the certainty of what had taken place last night, after I had traveled thirty miles by secret and by ways, I saw not how escape from him was possible. Miserable, forlorn, and dreading every person that I saw, either behind or before me, I hasted on towards Edinburgh, taking all the by and unfranquited paths. And the third night after I left the Weaver's house, I reached the West Port, without meeting with anything remarkable. Being exceedingly fatigued and lame, I took lodgings in the first house I entered, and for these I was to pay two grotes a week, and to board and sleep with a young man who wanted a companion to make his rent easier. I liked this, having found from experience that the great personage who had attached himself to me, and was now become my greatest terror among many surrounding evils, generally haunted me when I was alone, keeping aloof from all other society. My fellow lodger came home in the evening, and was glad at my coming. His name was Linton, and I changed mine to Elliot. He was a flippant, unstable being, one on whom nothing appeared a difficulty in his own estimation, but who could affect very little after all. He was what is called by some a compositor in the Queen's printing house, then conducted by a Mr. James Watson. In the course of our conversation that night, I told him I was a first rate classical scholar, and would gladly turn my attention to some business wherein my education might avail me something, and that there was nothing would delight me so much as an engagement in the Queen's printing office. Linton made no difficulty in bringing about that arrangement. His answer was, Oh God, sir. You are the very man we want. Good bless your breast and your buttons, sir. Aye, that's neither here nor there. That's all very well. A byword in the house, sir. But as I was saying, you are the very man we want. You will get any money you like to ask, sir. Any money you like, sir. That's settled all done, settled, settled. I'll do it, I'll do it. No more about it, no more about it, settled, settled. The next day I went with him to the office, and he presented me to Mr. Watson as the most wonderful genius and scholar ever known. His recommendation had little sway with Mr. Watson, who only smiled at Linton's extravagances as one does at the prattle of an infant. I sauntered about the printing office for the space of two or three hours, during which time Watson bustled about with green spectacles on his nose, and took no heed of me. But seeing that I still lingered, he addressed me at length in a civil gentlemanly way, and inquired concerning my views. I satisfied him with all my answers, in particular, those to his questions about the Latin and Greek languages. But when he came to ask testimonials of my character and requirements, and found that I could produce none, he viewed me with a jealous eye, and said he dreaded I was some near-duel run from my parents or guardians, and he did not choose to employ any such. I said my parents were both dead, and that being thereby deprived of the means of following out my education, it behoved me to apply to some business in which my education might be of some use to me. He said he would take me into the office, and pay me according to the business I performed, and the manner in which I deported myself. He could take no man into Her Majesty's printing office upon a regular engagement who could not produce the most respectable references with regard to morals. I could not but despise the man in my heart who laid such a stress upon morals, leaving grace out of the question, and viewed it as a deplorable instance of human depravity and self-conceit. But for all that I was obliged to accept of his terms, for I had an inward thirst and longing to distinguish myself in the great cause of religion, and I thought, if once I could print my own works, how I would astonish mankind, and confound their self-wisdom and their esteemed morality. Blow up the idea of any dependence on good works, and morality forsooth. And I weaned that I might thus get me a name even higher than if I had been made a general of the Tsar Peter's troops against the infidels. I attended the office some hours every day, but got not much encouragement, though I was eager to learn everything, and could soon have set types considerably better. It was here that I first conceived the idea of writing this journal, and having it printed and applied to Mr. Watson to print it for me, telling him it was a religious parable such as the Pilgrim's Progress. He advised me to print it close, and make it a pamphlet, and then, if it did not sell, it would not cost me much. Especially if they had a shade of allegory in them, were the very rage of the day. I put my work to the press, and wrote early and late, and encouraging my companion to work at odd hours and on Sundays before the press work of the second sheet was begun. We had the work all in types, corrected, and a clean copy thrown off for further revisal. The first sheet was wrought off, and I never shall forget how my heart exalted when at the printing house this day I saw what numbers of my works were to go abroad among mankind, and I determined with myself that I would not put the border name of Elliot, which I had assumed to the work. End of section 24 Section 25 Section 25 The Private Memoirs and Confessions of a Sinner Written by himself by James Hogg. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Thus far have my history and confessions been carried. I must now furnish my Christian readers with the key to the process, management and winding up of the whole matter, which I propose by the assistance of God to limit to a very few pages. Chesters July 27th 1712 My hopes and prospects are a wreck. My precious journal is lost, consigned to the flames. My enemy has found me out, and there is no hope of peace or rest for me on this side, the grave. In the beginning of last week, my fellow larger came home, running in a great panic, and told me a story of the devil having appeared twice in the printing house. Assisting the workman at the printing of my book, and that some of them had been frightened out of their wits. That the story was told to Mr. Watson, who till that time had never paid any attention to the treaties. But who, out of curiosity, began and read a part of it, and thereupon flew into a great rage, called my work a medley of lies and blasphemy, and ordered the whole to be consigned to the flames, blaming his foreman, and all connected with the press, for letting a work go so far that was enough to bring down the vengeance of heaven on the concern. If ever I shed tears through perfect bitterness of spirit, it was at that time. But I hope it was more for the ignorance and folly of my countrymen than the overthrow of my own troops. But my attention was suddenly aroused to other matters, by Linton mentioning that it was said by some in the office that devil had inquired for me. Surely you are not such a fool, said I, as to believe that the devil really was in the printing office. Oh, good bless you sir, saw him myself, gave him a nod and a good day. Rather a gentlemanly personage. Green, Circassian hunting coat and turban, like a foreigner, has the power of vanishing in one moment though, rather a suspicious circumstance that. Otherwise, his appearance not much against him. If the former intelligence thrilled me with grief, this did so with terror. I perceived who the personage was that had visited the printing house in order to further the progress of my work. And at the approach of every person to our lodgings, I, from that instant, trembled every bone. Lest it should be my elevated and dreaded friend. I could not say I had ever received an office at his hand that was not friendly. Yet these offices had been of a strange tendency and the horror with which I now regard him was unaccountable to myself. It was beyond description, conception, or the soul of man to bear. I took my printed sheets, the only copy of my unfinished work existing, and on pretense of going straight to Mr. Watson's office, de-camped for my lodgings at Portsburg a little before the fall of evening and took the road towards England. As soon as I got clear of the city, I ran with a velocity I knew not before I had been capable of. I flew out of the way towards Dalkeith so swiftly that I often lost sight of the ground and I said to myself, Oh, that I had the wings of a dove, that I might fly the farthest corners of the earth to hide me from those against whom I have no power to stand. I traveled all that night and the next morning, exerting myself beyond my power and about noon the following day I went into a yeoman's house, the name of which was Ellen Shaw's, and requested of the people a couch of any sort to lie down on, for I was ill and could not proceed on my journey. They showed me to a stable loft where there were two beds on one of which I laid me down and falling into a sound sleep I did not awake till the evening. That other three men came from the fields to sleep in the same place, one of whom laid down beside me at which I was exceedingly glad. They fell, all sound asleep, and I was terribly alarmed at a conversation I overheard somewhere outside the stable. I could not make out a sentence, but trembled to think I knew one of the voices at least, and rather than not be mistaken I would that any man had run me through with a sword. I fell into a cold sweat and once thought of instantly putting hand to my own life as my only means of relief. May the rash and simple thought be in mercy forgiven. When I heard as it were two persons at the door contending as I thought about their right and interest in me, that the one was forcibly preventing the admission of the other I could hear distinctly and their language was mixed with something dreadful and mysterious. In an agony of terror, I awakened my snoring companion with great difficulty and asked him in a low whisper who these were at the door. The man lay silent and listening till fairly awake and then asked if I heard anything. I said I heard strange voices contending at the door. Then I can tell you lad it has been something neither good nor canny said he. It's no fornaving that our horses are snorking that gate. For the first time I remarked that the animals were snorting and rearing as if they wished to break through the house. The man called to them by their names and ordered them to be quiet but they raged still the more furiously. He then roused his drowsy companions who were alike alarmed at the panic of the horses. All of them declaring that they had never seen either miles or jolly start in their lives before. My bedfellow and another then ventured down the ladder and I heard one of them saying Lord be we us what can be I the house the sweats running off the poor beast like water they agreed to sally out together and if possible to reach the kitchen and bring a light. I was glad at this but not so much so when I heard the one man saying to the other in a whisper I wish that stranger man may be canny enough. God kens said the other it does nay look on kawheel. The lad in the other bed hearing this set up his head in manifest of fright as the other two departed for the kitchen and I believed he would have been glad to have been in their company. This lad was next the ladder at which I was extremely glad for had he not been there the world should not have induced me to wait the return of these two men. They were not well gone before I heard another distinctly enter the stable and come towards the ladder the lad who was sitting up in his bed intent on the watch called out what's that there walker is that you pretty I say is it you the darkling intruder paused for a few moments and then came towards the foot of the ladder the horses broke loose and snorting and naing for terror raged through the house in all my life I never heard so frightful a commotion the being that occasioned it all now began to mount the ladder towards our loft on which the lad in the bed next to the ladder sprung from his couch crying out the lady and preserve us what can it be with that he sped across the loft and by my bed praying lustfully all the way and throwing himself from the other end of the loft into a manger he darted naked as he was through among the furious horses and making the door that stood open in a moment he vanished and left me in the lurch powerless with terror and calling out fearfully I tried to follow his example but not knowing the situation of the places with regard to one another I missed the manger and fell on the pavement in one of the stalls I was both stunned and lame on the knee but terror prevailing I had been tried to escape it was out of my power for there were divisions and cross divisions in the house and mad horses smashing everything before them so that I knew not so much as on what side of the house the door was two or three times was I knocked down by the animals but all the while I never stinted crying out at length I was seized by the throat and hair of the head and dragged away I wist not wither my voice was now laid in all my powers both mental and bodily totally overcome and I remember no more till I found myself lying naked on the kitchen table of the farmhouse and something like a horse's rug thrown over me the only hint that I got from the people of the house on coming to myself was that my absence would be good company and that they had got me in a woeful state one which they did not choose to describe or hear described as soon as daylight appeared I was packed about my business with the hisses and execrations of the yeoman's family who viewed me as a being to be shunned ascribing to me the visitations of that unholy night again was I on my way southwards as lonely hopeless and degraded a being as was to be found on life's weary round as I limped out the way I wept thinking of what I might have been and what I really had become of my high and flourishing hopes when I set out as the avenger of God on the sinful children of men of all that I had dared for the exaltation in progress of the truth and it was with great difficulty that my faith remained unshaken yet was I preserved from that sin and comforted myself with the certainty that the believer's progress through life is one of warfare and suffering my case was indeed a pitiful one I was lame, hungry fatigued and my resources on the very eve of being exhausted yet these were but secondary miseries and hardly worthy of a thought compared with those I suffered inwardly I not only looked around me with terror at every one that approached but I was become a terror to myself or rather my body and soul were becoming terrors to each other and had it been possible I felt as if they would have gone to war I dared not look at my face in a glass for I shuddered my own image and likeness I dreaded the dawning and trembled at the approach of night nor was there one thing in nature that afforded me the least delight in this deplorable state of body and mind was I jogging on towards the tweed by the side of the small river called a land when, just at the narrowest part of the Glen whom should I meet full in the face but the very being in all the universe of God with the most gladly have shunned I had no power to fly fro him, neither durst I for the spirit within me accuse him of falsehood and renounce his fellowship I stood before him like a condemned criminal staring him in the face ready to be winded twisted and tormented as he pleased he regarded me with a sad insolent look how changed was now that majestic continence to one of haggard despair changed in all save the extraordinary likeness to my late brother a resemblance which misfortune and despair tended to frighten there were no kind greetings passed between us at meeting like those which pass between the men of the world he looked on me with eyes that froze the currents of my blood but spoke not till I assumed as much courage as to articulate you here I hope you have brought me tidings of comfort care said he but such tidings as the timid and the ungrateful deserve and have reason to expect you are an outlaw and a vagabond in your country and a high reward is offered for your apprehension the enraged populace have burnt your house and all that is within it and the farmers on the land blessed themselves at being rid of you with ferret with everyone who puts his hand to the great work of man's restoration to freedom and draweth back condemning the light that is within him your enormities cause me to leave you to yourself for a season and you see what the issue has been you have given some evil ones power over you who long to devour you both soul and body and it has required all my power and influence to save you had it not been for my hand you had been torn in pieces last night but for once I prevailed we must leave this land forthwith for here there is neither peace safety nor comfort for us do you now and here pledge yourself to one who has so often saved your life and has put his own at stake to do so do you pledge yourself that you will henceforth be guided by my council and follow me whether so ever I choose to lead I have always been swayed by your council said I and for your sake principally am I sorry that all our measures have proved abortive but I hope still to be useful in my native isle therefore let me plead that your highness will abandon a poor despised and outcast wretch to his fate and be take you to your realms where your presence cannot but be greatly wanted with that I could do so said he woefully but to talk of that is to talk of an impossibility I am wedded to you so closely that I feel as if I were the same person our essences are one our bodies and spirits being united so then I am drawn towards you as by magnetism and wherever you are there must my presence be with you perceiving how this assurance affected me he began to chide me most bitterly for my ingratitude and then he assumed such looks that it was impossible for me longer to bear them therefore I staggered out of the way begging and beseeching of him to give me up to my fate and hardly knowing what I said for it struck me that with all his assumed appearance of misery and wretchedness there were traits of exaltation in his hideous continents manifesting a secret inward joy at my utter despair it was long before I durst look over my shoulder but when I did so I perceived this ruined and a based potentate coming slowly on the same path and I prayed that the lord would hide me in the bowels of the earth or depths of the sea when I crossed the tweed I perceived him still a little behind me and my despair being then at its height I cursed the time I first met with such a tormentor though on a little recollection it occurred that it was at the blessed time when I was solemnly dedicated to the lord and assured of my final election and confirmation by an eternal decree never to be annulled this being my soul in only comfort I recalled my curse upon the time and repented me oh my rashness after crossing the tweed I saw no more of my persecutor that day and had hopes that he had left me for a season but alas what hope was there of my relief after the declaration I had so lately heard I took up my lodgings that night in a small miserable inn in the village of Ancrum of which the people seemed to like poor and ignorant before going to bed I asked if it was customary with them to have family worship of evenings the man answered that they were so hard set with the world they often could not get time but if I would be so kind and appreciate they would be much obliged to me I accepted the invitation being afraid to go to rest less the commotions of the foregoing night might be renewed and continued the worship as long as in decency I could the poor people thanked me hoped my prayers would be heard both on their account and my own seemed much taken with my abilities and wondered how a man of my powerful eloquence chance to be wondering about in a condition so forlorn I said I was a poor student of theology on my way to Oxford they stared at one another with expressions of wonder disappointment and fear I afterwards came to learn that the term theology was by them quite misunderstood and that they had some crude conceptions that nothing was taught at Oxford but the black arts which ridiculous idea prevailed all over the south of Scotland for the present I could not understand what the people meant and less so when the man asked me with deep concern if I was serious in my attentions of going to Oxford he hoped not and that I would be better guided I said my education wanted finishing but he remarked that the Oxford arts were a bad finish for a religious man's education finally I requested him to sleep with me or in my room all the night as I wanted some serious and religious conversation with him that the study of the fine arts though not absolutely necessary were not incompatible with the character of a Christian divine he shook his head and wondered how I could call them fine arts hoped I did not mean to convince him by any ocular demonstration and at length reluctantly condescended to sleep with me and let the lass and wife sleep together for one night I believe he would have declined it had it not been some hints from his wife stating that it was a good arrangement by which I understand there were only two beds in the house and that when I was preferred to the lass's bed she had one to shift for and of section 25 section 26 the private memoirs and confessions of a sinner written by himself by James Hogg this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org the landlord and I accordingly retired to our homely bed and conversed for some time about indifferent matters till he fell sound asleep not so with me I had that within which would not suffer me to close my eyes and about the dead of night I again heard the same noises a contention begin outside the house as I had heard the night before and again I heard it was about a sovereign and peculiar right in me at one time the noise was on the top of the house straight above our bed as if the one party were breaking through the roof and the other forcibly preventing it at another it was at the door and at a third time at the window but still my host lay sound by my side and did not awaken I was seized with terrors indefinable and prayed fervently but did not attempt rousing my sleeping companion until I saw if no better could be done the woman however were alarmed and rushing into our apartment exclaimed that all the devils and hell were besieging the house then indeed the landlord awoke and it was time for him for the toll month had increased to such a degree that it shook the house to its foundations being louder and more furious than I could have conceived the heat of battle to be when the volleys of artillery are mixed with groans shouts and blasphemous cursing it thundered and lighted and there were screams, groans laughter and execrations all intermingled I lay trembling and bathed in a cold perspiration but was soon obliged to bestow myself the inmates attacking me one after the other all tamed Douglas, tamed Douglas hasty and rise out frant that incarnal devil cried the wife you're an ant the old ain himself for at last Timmy saw his clove includes last night lord forbid roared tamed Douglas and darted over the bed like a flying fish then hearing the unearthly toll month with which he was surrounded he turned to the side of the bed and addressed me thus with long and fearful intervals if you be the deal rise up and depart in peace out of these house before the bed stay take kindly about you and that it'll maybe be the wire free get up and gang lay out among your cronies like a good lad there's nay body here wishes you only ill do you hear me friend said I no Christian would turn out a fellow creature on such a night as this and in the midst of such a commotion of the villagers nay if you be a mortal man said he which I rather think from the use you made of the holy book nay no your practical jokes on strangers and an honest folk these are some of your oxford tricks and I'll thank you to be all your we with them gracious heaven they are breaking through the house and at that far corners at the same time the last tibby seeing the innkeeper was not going to prevail with me to rise flew towards the bed in desperation and seizing me by the waste soon landed me on the floor saying be we a deal be we'll chill ye's no lie there till bath the house is under be swallowed up her master and mistress applauding the deed I was obliged to attempt dressing myself a task to which my powers were quite inadequate in the state I was in but I was readily assisted by every one of the three and as soon as they got my clothes thrust on in a loose way they shut their eyes lest they should see what might drive them distracted and thrust me out to the street cursing me and calling on the fiends to take their prey and be gone the scene that ensued is neither to be described nor believed if it were I was momentarily surrounded by a number of hideous fiends who gnashed on me with their teeth and clenched their crimson paws in my face and at the same instant I was seized by the caller of my coat behind by my dreaded and devoted friend who pushed me on with his gilded rapier waving and brandishing around me defended me against all their united attacks horrible as my assailants were and they all had monstrous shapes I felt that I would rather have fallen into their hands than be thus let away captive by my defender at his will and pleasure without having the right or power to say my life or any part of my will was my own I could not even thank him for his potent guardianship but hung down my head and moved on I knew not wither like a criminal led to execution and still the infernal combat continued till about the dawning at which time I looked up and all the fiends were expelled but one who kept at a distance and still my persecutor and defender pushed me by the neck before him at length he desired me to sit down and take some rest which I complied for I had great need of it and wanted the power to withstand what he desired there for a whole morning did he detain me tormenting me with reflections on the past and pointing out the horrors of the future until a thousand times I wished myself non-existent I have attached myself to your wayward fortune said he and it has been my ruin as well as thine ungrateful as you are I cannot give you up to be devoured but this is a life that is impossible to brook longer since our hopes are blasted in this world and all our schemes of grandeur overthrown and since our everlasting destiny is settled by decree which no act of ours can invalidate let us fall by our own hands or by the hands of each other die like heroes and throwing off this frame of dross and corruption mingle with the pure ethereal essence of existence from which we derived our being I shuddered at a view of the dreadful alternative yet was obliged to confess that in my present circumstances existence was not to be born it was in vain that I reasoned on the sinfulness of the deed and on its damning nature he made me condemn myself out of my own mouth by allowing the absolute nature of justifying grace and the impossibility of the elect ever falling from the faith or the glorious end to which they were called and then he said this granted self-destruction was the act of a hero and none but a coward would shrink from it to suffer a hundred times more every day and night that passed over his head I said I was still contended to be that coward and all that I begged of him was to leave me to my fortune for a season and to the just judgment of my creator but he said his word and honor were engaged on my behalf and these in such a case were not to be violated if you will not pity yourself half pity on me added he turn your eyes on me and behold to what I am reduced involuntarily did I turn at the request and caught a half glance at his features may know I destined to reflect the beauties of the new Jerusalem inward upon the batific soul behold such a sight as mine then beheld my immortal spirit blood and bones were all withered at the blasting sight and I arose and withdrew with groanings which the pangs of death shall never ring for me not daring to look behind me I crept on my way and that night reached this hamlet on the Scottish border and being grown reckless of danger and hardened to scenes of horror I looked up my lodgings with a poor hind who is a widower and who could only accommodate me with a bed of rushes at his fireside at midnight I heard some strange sounds too much resembling those to which I had of late been endured but they kept at a distance and I was soon persuaded that there was a power protected that house superior to those that contended for or had the mastery over me overjoyed at finding such an asylum I remained in the humble caught this is the third day I have lived under the roof freed of my hellish assailants spending my time in prayer and writing out this my journal which I have fashioned to stick in with my printed work and to which I intend to add portions while I remain in this pilgrimage state which I find too well cannot be long August 3rd, 1712 this morning the hind has brought me word from Redsdale whither he had been for coals that a stranger gentleman had been traversing that country making the most earnest inquiries after me or one of the same appearance and from the description that he brought of this stranger I could easily perceive who it was rejoicing that my tormentor has lost traces of me for once I am making haste to leave my asylum on pretense of following this stranger but in reality to conceal myself still more completely from his search perhaps this may be my last sentence ever I am destined to write if so farewell Christian reader may God grant to thee a happier destiny than has been allotted to me here on earth and the same assurance of acceptance above amen I'll try August 24th, 1712 here am I set down on the open more to add one sentence more to my woeful journal and then farewell all beneath the sun on leaving the hind's cottage on the border I hasted to the northwest because in that quarter I perceived the highest and wildest hills before me as I crossed the mountains above Haywick I exchanged clothes with a poor homely shepherd whom I found lying on a hillside singing to himself some woeful love did he he was glad of the change and proud of his saintly apparel and I was no less delighted with mine by which I now supposed myself completely disguised and I found moreover that in this garb of a common shepherd I was made welcome in every house I slept the first night in a farmhouse nigh to the church of Roberton without hearing or seeing ought extraordinary yet I observed next morning that all the servants kept aloof me and regarded me with looks of aversion the next night I came to this house where the farmer engaged me as a shepherd and finding him a kind, worthy and religious man I accepted of his terms with great gladness I had not however gone many times to the sheep before all the rest of the shepherds told my master that I knew nothing about hurting and begged of him to dismiss me he perceived too well the truth of their intelligence but being much taken with my learning and religious conversation he would not put me away but set me to hurt his cattle it was lucky for me that before I came here a report had prevailed perhaps for an age that this farmhouse was haunted and seasoned by a ghost I say it was lucky for me for I had not been in it many days before the same appalling noises began to prevail around me about midnight often continuing till near the dawning still they kept aloof and without doors for this gentleman's house like the cottage I was in formally seemed to be a sanctuary from all demoniacal power he appears to be a good man and a just and mocks at the idea of supernatural agency and he either does not hear these persecuting spirits or will not acknowledge it though of late he appears much perturbed the consternation of the menials has been extreme they ascribe all to the ghost they tell frightful stories of murders having been committed there long ago of late however they are beginning to suspect that it is I that am haunted and as I have never given them any satisfactory account of myself they are whispering that I am a murderer and haunted by the spirits of those I have slain August 30th this day I have been informed that I am to be banished the dwellings house by night and to sleep in an outhouse by myself to try if the family can get any rest when freed of my presence I have peremptorily refused acquiescence on which my master's brother struck me and kicked me with his foot my body being quite exhausted by suffering unweak and feeble both in mind and bodily frame and actually unable to resent any insult or injury I am the child of earthly misery and despair if ever there was one existent my master is still my friend but there are so many masters here and every one of them alike harsh to me that I wish myself in my grave every hour of the day if I am driven from the family sanctuary by night I know I shall be torn in pieces before morning and then who will deign or dare to gather at my mangled limbs and give me honorable burial my last hour is arrived I see my tormentor once more approaching me in this wild oh that the earth would swallow me up or the hill falling cover me farewell forever September 7, 1712 my devoted princely but sanguine friend has been with me again and again my time is expired and I find a relief beyond a measure for he has fully convinced me that no act of mine can mar the eternal council or in the smallest degree alter or extenuate one event which was decreed before the foundations of the world were laid he said he had watched over me with the greatest anxiety but perceiving my rooted aversion towards him he had forborn troubling me with his presence but now seeing that I was certainly to be driven from my sanctuary that night and that there would be a number of infernals watching to make a prey of my body he came to caution me not to despair for that he would protect me at all risks if the power remained with him he then repeated in ejaculatory prayer which I was to pronounce if in great extremity I objected to the words as equivocal and susceptible of being rendered in a meaning perfectly dreadful but he reasoned against this and all reasoning with him is to no purpose he said he did not ask me to repeat the words unless greatly straightened and that I saw his strength and power giving way and when perhaps nothing else could save me the dreaded hour of night arrived and as he said I was expelled from the family residence and ordered to buy or cowhouse that stood parallel with the dwelling house behind where on a divot loft my humble bedstead stood and the cattle grunted and puffed below me how unlike the splendid halls of doll castle and to what I am now reduced let the reflecting reader judge lord thou knowest all that I have done for thy cause on earth why then art thou laying thy hand so sore upon me why has thou set me as a butt of thy malice but thy will must be done thy wilt repay me in a better world amen September 8 my first night of trial in this place is over past would that it were the last that I should ever see in this detested world if the horrors of hell are equal to those I have suffered eternity will be of a short duration there for no created energy can support them for one single month or week I have been buffeted as never living creature was my vitals have all been torn and every faculty and feeling of my soul wracked and tormented into callous insensibility I was even hung by the locks over a yawning chasm to which I could perceive no bottom and then not till then did I repeat the tremendous prayer I was instantly at liberty and what I now am the almighty knows amen September 18, 1712 still am I living though likeer to a vision than a human being but this is my last day of mortal existence unable to resist any longer I pledged myself to my devoted friend that on this day we should die together and trust to the charity of the children of men for a grave I am solemnly pledged and though I dared to repent I am aware he will not be gained said for he is raging with despair at his fallen and decayed majesty and there is some miserable comfort in the idea that my tormentor shall fall with me farewell world with all thy miseries for comforts or enjoyments hast thou none farewell women whom I have despised and shunned and man whom I have hated whom nevertheless I desire to leave in charity and thou son bright emblem of a far brighter effulgence I bid farewell to thee also I do not now take my last look of thee for to thy glorious orb shall a poor suicide's last earthly look be raised but ah who is yawned that I see approaching furiously his stern face blackened for a despair my hour is at hand Almighty God what is this that I am about to do the hour of repentance has passed and now my fate is inevitable Amen forever I will now seal up my little book and conceal it and cursed be he who tryeth to alter or amend of the private memoirs and confessions of a sinner written by himself by James Hogg audiobook recording by Claude Stewart