 Can we get real for a moment? Let's let's talk about the dating marketplace if you're over 40 There are way too many wounded men out there Who are seeking companionship connection and sex without ever actually being able to fully commit and this happens to men Who are unsettled in their life and they use women in this bizarre way? That's right they use women in this bizarre way and that's what I'm going to lean into and I'm just going to give you the Answer right from the get-go. How do they use women? They actually use them as their therapist That's right. This is what's happening today for so many men who are unsettled in their life And we're seeing this habitually in the dating marketplace now. Let me explain what I mean by they're using you as their therapist Okay, this usually happens for those of you that are connecting with men who live 30 to 60 minutes drive or further away Okay, this isn't usually the men who live close by who can physically see you rather quickly In fact, if you're used if you're familiar with my three types of men who are dating there are the users There are the spenders and then there are the grower builders Okay, now the users those are the love bombers those of the men who seek quick Connection because they want physical connection with a woman usually all they want is sex By the way, there are female users as well. These are the gold diggers. These are the entitled women that use men It's for short-term gain for their benefit. Okay, then there are the grower the builders These are men who are fully capable of ready to commit to someone and they actually are that space before they have Actually ever meet you. These aren't the men who say I'm not ready for a relationship These are the men who say I want a relationship and they seek those women who fit the type of relationship They're looking for and then there are the spenders these are and the reason why I call them spenders They will spend time with you. They want that companionship. They want that connection They want that sex, but they're not capable to lean into a relationship. Okay, so a moment ago I said these are usually the men who live 30 minutes to one hour or further away Why is that so critically important? Is because when you actually begin to connect with these men you will spend a lot of time either on the phone Or you'll spend a lot of time texting these men Sadly today for those that the reason why the distance matter is if someone is someone is a grower or builder They will want to meet a woman rather quickly in other words They're not looking to do the long distance relationship and they're not looking to use you as their therapist The men who are the users they want to meet you right away because they just want to get laid It's the spender type of men that you have to be careful of this represents roughly about 60% of the single male Population out there 20% of the users 20% of the grower and builders So roughly 8 out of 10 men you meet are most likely going to waste your time and worse use you in this way Now what I mean by therapist They will spend incessant. They will spend numerous amounts of hours Talking to you about their problems talking about their past relationship talking about the the things that are going on their life Usually the problematic things going on their life Because what they're seeking from you is that female energy They want that energy from a woman that compassionate energy that nurturing energy that that energy that That energy that is so Did I say compassionate compassionate? Okay, just like a therapist would be compassionate to a person But this doesn't mean that they're capable of actually leaning into a relationship now. Let me give you some examples. Well Okay, look, I'm your dating coach My job is to help you vet for those emotionally available men By the way schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with the coach is right for you That's my area of expertise because I'm here to put the odds in your favor To find those men who are the growers and the builders Okay, that's my job is help because the reality is is 8 out of 10 men you meet are not in Are not even capable of leaning into a relationship My job is to help you attract those men who are okay, so that's what I do for a living But what we're talking about today Are the men who are incapable of this and I know this because I was that guy Now first off. I was in the trenches with you. Okay, so I after turning 40 and going through a divorce Finding myself out there in the dating marketplace. I know what it's like to go through alimony child support visitation rights family court erectile dysfunction elderly parents and assisted living facilities of Women are going through menopause I've been in the trenches with you and I've been in the trenches when it comes to Actually using these devices To connect with someone in fact, I was in the trenches for let's see By the time I got let's say I started a divorce Got divorced in 2007 it began in 2005 Let's see. It took me 15 years before I met my beloved right there There's Marie and I and she's the one who shoots video with me on occasion You're thinking yourself 15 years. Well, right off the bat. I was a train wreck after my divorce I was a train wreck. I lost my quarter million dollar year job I was in a state of depression. I was a mess. Okay, remember I said earlier when a man is unsettled in his life Here's what most likely he'll do and this is what I did I spent hours upon hours upon hours on the phone with women talking to them About relationships right from the get-go right when I got my first Dating profile. I didn't realize I was addicted to online dating But also I was addicted to the female energy of women just listening to me because back then For those of us are baby boomers or gen Xers. I'm tail end baby boomer A lot of my clients are gen Xers and baby boomers. We didn't consider therapy back then and certainly 15 16 years ago We weren't thinking about therapy as we might today So my form of therapy was talking to women having them listen to my problems Now sometimes they were giving me good advice But in many cases they were just being that nurturing person and what happened I didn't realize I was using them for this female energy and in some cases. I was dating some of these women And I pulled the bullshit like, you know, like, oh, I'm ready for a relationship I'm ready for a relationship and I'd get close to a woman. I realized Oh my god The last thing I want is a relationship with a person and I would pull away I wouldn't ghost I would do what's called the dysfunctional moonwalk I would backpedal by sharing how dysfunctional my life is And then having the woman make the choice to say this isn't working for me Yeah, that's what I used to do for quite some time And this went on let me I actually put together an interesting timeline. So then the 2009 market crash happened And I during that time, I'm still addicted to online dating But I was in a massive state of depression and I actually had to move in with my mother and father in my 40s I had to move in with my mother and father. This was after living in a 2.2 million dollar home I had got wiped out and lost everything Why am I sharing this with you? Because when I say I've been in the trenches I've been in the bottom of the pit of despair And what did I do during the bottom of pit of despair? I was I wasn't intentionally doing this I wasn't even consciously doing this. I didn't realize and this happens to a lot of men We're so attracted to that female energy That compassionate loving energy that I was having conversation with conversation with conversation With women online and certainly dating some of them as well. And then 2000 So then 2010 was women used to just ask me for dating advice or at least the women I was communicating online Just to review their profile and I didn't realize this was going to turn into my profession Because little by little I began to study human behavior and then in 2011 I met a woman and we began a six-year on and off journey Meaning we dated for six years on and off. Why am I sharing this with you? Because she was a therapist She knew I lived with my mom and dad She knew how messed up I was she even said this to me She goes you're a great guy Jonathan But I know you're not ready for a relationship and yet she spent close to six years on and off with me What I didn't realize during that time is she was reparenting me that she happened to be a therapist So literally during the six-year period. We were together. I got to read. I got a chance to get reparented But she was also acting as my therapist now. She's fully well aware of this We had a very conscious uncoupling. She even knew during this process because she was doing her own Reparenting at that time. Have you ever found yourself in a relationship with a man? Where you you weren't the right you weren't in a good space to be in a relationship with them But you got the benefit of his masculine energy and you got to reparent yourself Yeah, many people have found themselves in those kind of relationships Myself included and by the way, we had a very amicable ending to our relationship and we still remain friendly to one another Actually, we consider each other family. She was there for me when my mother passed away And she was certainly there for me when my son passed away. Well, we don't talk on a regular basis We're still friendly to one another. So this brings me to this started in 2011 But in 2014, I also found my tribe my spiritual tribe my my tribe of people That really resonated with me from a personal development self-help perspective Why i'm sharing this with you is the journey started with the divorce Beginning in 2005, but I went literally to the depths of depression. And what was I doing that during that time? I was unintentionally unconsciously using women Now many of you have experienced men exactly like this or some variation of this Where men use you as their therapist and again, this is an unconscious This isn't deliberate. This is an unconscious experience for a lot of men Now I went through this break up with this person in 2017 and then I lost a child in 2018 Many of you know that I lost my son Connor. There's a picture of him right there And that broke my heart open that broke open that egoic way I lived for so many years after high school and in my marriage. I was very self-centric during that time And that certainly broke me open in ways. I couldn't even imagine it humbled me Men need to have a humbling experience for them to actually break out of their ego and open into their heart And allowed me to look back and connect the dots at how I unconsciously unintentionally used women In this therapist capacity And so many of you could be relating to this many of you go. Oh my god I've experienced the same thing the guy all he does is talk about his problems his problems problems You're a great listener thinking you're actually connecting with him When you're not really connecting with him all you're doing is acting as this therapist And so when my son passed away it gave me a great opportunity to dive deep And then that's when inspired literally two months after he passed away and inspired me to write my book What the heck is self-love anyway a journey of personal development self-help and spiritual work that's dedicated to him Why I'm sharing this with you is during that time. I also Actually remember I shared with you in 2017. I ended my relationship Well, my my girlfriend at that time as a birthday present after we broke up gave me Gifted me the Hoffman process the Hoffman process By the way, this wasn't in it. This was an expensive gift doing it in person back then was $3,500 And if you're not familiar with the Hoffman process, I highly recommend googling the Hoffman process This allowed me to heal my childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas So I could actually lean into the relationship I am now in in with now And so in 2021 I connected with my beloved through a dating app called match.com She actually reached out to me. It was long distance We didn't spend a lot of time talking to one another But we connected and started to follow each other on social media And then eventually a year later we met in person and then five years months after that we moved in together Okay, why am I sharing all this with you? Why is this so critically important? I know what it's like to use women and then what I the title of this in a bizarre way But I don't want you to get fooled by the guys who are unsettled in their lives You should be looking for those men who are what I call the grower and the builders These are men who clearly know they want a significant relationship in their life Just like what I did with Marie. I was very crystal clear I was reluctant to begin this journey with her because of the distance and through Laying our cards on the table through radical honesty and finally what I call the rules of engagement We were able to come to An agreement of how this would relationship would work Ladies I speak to so many of you Who are passively in the dating process? You Expect on some level meant to know expect men to know what they're doing And I'm here to say most men are clueless. In fact, most guys are winging it They're rather clueless in the process This is why you have to be in charge of your relationship destiny Not the guy you can't leave it up to the guy To know listen, I'm not to suggest there aren't good men out there, but here's the bottom line If you're going to get physically intimate with a man, then you have every right right from the gecko to establish your standards And yet many of you I got to tell you something I speak to women I mean I get I get coach requests for coaching calls Every day and I'm talking to women who all they do is lament about a guy And I always ask you Why isn't it about you? Why is it you give your power away? Ladies you have this habitual It's a beautiful part of who you are that you're loving and you're nurturing and you're agreeable At the same time you give your power away to men you get fooled by guys Especially when they're not in a good place in their life when they're unsettled So it's important to you to gauge a man's emotional maturity That's one of the things I teach in my private coaching is how to decipher his emotional maturity By literally asking some radically honest questions right from the gecko before you give your heart to someone to put the odds in your favor This is why I got an email this morning or not this morning today is thursday I got an email on monday from a client sent me a picture of her and her boyfriend. They met Eight months ago. She worked with me a year ago They met eight months ago and the reason why she sent me the picture is they're actually moving in together She didn't take that long when you It's amazing when women make an investment in this program I'm always shocked at how quickly they literally turn their love life around It's literally they become a magnetic attractor when you stop Accepting crumbs when you stand in your power when you stand in your your sovereignty your self worth your self esteem your self confidence your self reliance This makes all the difference in the world So I don't want you to get fooled by the guys who use you as their therapist now that again They're doing this unconsciously but for many of you it's music to your ears And my hope is today is your wake-up call to say I won't accept this behavior anymore Are you with me on this if you are please hit that like button? Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel right in the chat box. I will not accept crumbs anymore I won't get fooled by guys who are using me as their therapist. Are you with me? Give me an amen if you are All right, I think this will be a good place to Move on to our q&a If you're familiar with my format or it's your first time watching if you have a question for me Write the word question then post the question there after or you can purchase a super sticker super chat There's a little dollar sign in the chat box All the monies from a super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son connor asley That's the one I told you about he passed away a few years ago. That's his brother colin He lives just up the street from me I'm blessed to have him in my life, but in his honor. I donate to the hoffman process Insight institutes just to name a few and if you're watching the replay, please hit that super. Thanks button All right, if you have a question write the word question then post the question there after it makes it easier for me to find All right, let's see what we got here in the q&a Here we go. Wanda one of our regulars writes question If you run into an ex-friend that you have been in no contact with for 16 months should he apologize if he ended it well I guess well when you say x or use x friend And he's not been in contact with you for 16 months. Should he apologize? You know, I have well they're an x friend So there must have been a reason why you become x friends. Is it because he went no contact? I have some friends. I haven't spoken to in years and then when we connect It's like just you know rekindling the friendship. So I don't consider that no contact I just consider that part of life if it's an ex-lover And they all of a sudden go no contact my question is always this Did you make an effort to reach out to them? Ladies, I'm so tired of hearing, you know, why men pull away why men goes why men disappear and yet How much effort did you make? Okay? So a guy hasn't spoken to you in three or four days and I know all the other dating coach tells you to sit your feminine energy And just wait for him to magically come and claim you. Okay. Yeah, like that really works Have you reached out and say by the way, I had a client Reach asked me for some help and I'll give you the formula um She just met a man But she noticed that he was a little bit Just elusive in this communication So she wrote him a message. I think it went something like this um Hey tim, you know, I just want to say I I really like you And I've noticed uh, you seem a little bit distant Okay Mike or excuse me. My gut is sensing you're feeling a little distant Is my gut right? Now Some men would have said yes, your gut is right. I've actually moved on What was interesting is you know what he said he goes? I thought you were the one distance that that's why I pulled away because I thought you were the one being distant Now that might sound like a gas like he goes I really like you and and I'm sorry. I've just been busy for a few days But I'd love to see you again. That's not a gaslighting move He a lot of men we're misreading your vibe And so we're pulling away and all it took was a simple text message and she wrote me back later saying Oh my god, I can't believe it. All it took was a short little message to turn this around. Yeah ladies It's time to speak from your heart Don't be afraid to speak your truth when you're afraid to speak your truth to a guy That means he has all the power in the relationship Because you're not willing to step into your power again Chapter one in my book speak your truth do it with kindness in chapter two if it's sincere and from the heart You can't say the wrong thing to the right person. All right coming back to my point here. Wanda I hope I made sense, but my point is this did you make effort with him? That's my question All right. Thank you so much Uh Let's see if you have a question Question, how did you get past dentures? I don't think that question was for me um All right, let's go swimming Uh, bum bum bum bum if you have a question write the word question and post the question there after or purchase a super sticker super chat We're getting a lot of amens earlier Oh, here we go. Sorry for the delay everyone ksw says, how do we schedule initial call with you? ks Right here jonathan asley.com forward slash coaching by the way in the description below you can see it You can click on the button there as well. So thank you so much Susan writes question Why do older men dismiss dismiss women so quickly before showing real interest? They tend to make assumptions Well, um I don't think that's an age thing. I think young men can dismiss women. I think women can dismiss men I I by the way, do you realize that? Women only swipe on 4.6 of profiles on dating apps on these dating apps I don't have any dating apps on here anymore But um and men swipe on 60 of profiles By the way, this isn't this is according to tinder Hange and bumble the primary swipe dating apps. They claim that women only swipe right Excuse me interest on 4.6 percent of men whereas men swipe almost 60 on time on women So i'm not sure that's a valid point that you're making given that women are less likely to show interest in men And so a lot of women are competing What it is is a lot of the same women women are competing with all the same guys And they're missing out on a great opportunity of men who have actually shown interest But jonathan i'm not attracted to them. Well, guess what? At midlife or most of us are at midlife You know, all of us think we're 7 8 9s and 10s on the looks factor and let me tell you something five is average Average is good. Average is a good number. Okay, and yet many people think of fives and sixes I'm just by the way on whoever's scale. They've um, whoever you whatever your scale you've adopted for yourself Fives and sixes are actually good-looking people Sorry to sound judgmental. I'm sorry to sound critical But a lot of women reject really good men good men with heart those good men who are growers and builders Because they don't fit the narrative that they're looking for there are a lot of great guys out there And you may want to cast your net a bit wider. That's my invitation for you. All right. Thanks for that question All right silvia writes question Regarding your example of misunderstanding Pick up the damn phone and communicate instead of texting Yes, men and women both should pick up the damn phone and communicate I fully fully agree both both genders should do that All right question If you're fulfilled fulfilled the therapist role and he says he loves you Two months in but you're not together Did he think he loved you because you were there for him and he was lying from the start? Okay I don't know how many times in my dating history. I have thought I've loved someone when that chemical Okay, by the way, have you all heard the term chemistry? Yeah, chemistry comes from the word chemical. Did you know that chemicals get released from our brain? Similar to crack cocaine when we are attracted to someone This is called dopamine. This is called testosterone. This is called estrogen This is called oxytocin. This is called serotonin All of these chemicals are released in our brain and we think we love someone But Yeah, when we're actually experienced lust or limerence and if you do not know what the word limerence is I highly recommend googling it. For example, hey google What does limerence mean? Here's the definition of limerence The state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire For reciprocation of one's feelings, but not primarily for a sexual relationship Well, so Lust or limerence. Okay, lust is the sexual side limerence and it's said involuntarily So in this particular case, yes, it happens on an unconscious level I can't begin to tell you how many women I thought right off the bat was the one Literally on the first date and then two days later. I'm like, why don't I like this person anymore? Because these chemicals were being released in my brain like crack cocaine We all need to understand that this is the reality of life. This is why as my mom used to say I used to take what men said what your father said with a grain of salt Folks, if you know this about men, then just remember a lot of men are talking out of their ass This is why actions matter more than words You guys remember the movie my fair lady where the man was just singing at the top of his lungs and how in love he was And she'd say words words words words words words words words if you love me show me It's the actions that demonstrate love and not the words Okay, brandy brandy. I hope that helps. So thank you so much Uh, let's see here question What's it say when you run into an okay, let me see here this Uh question when you run into an x and he tells you you you you're my better half And then months later tells you he doesn't want a girlfriend. What is he thinking? Again, this is where a lot of immature men A lot of men who are not really that savvy with their emotions. They're unsettled with their life They are those spenders I talk about these are the men that say things Like make grand promises a grower and builder the man who's a grower and builder actually builds a relationship over time And he doesn't rush he listen We all men want sex but a man who's a grower builder Actually wants to get to know you and he doesn't say things like how's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day the grower and the builders are men who like this I'm just going to share something with you all Um Folks you've heard me talk about this before Hopefully you can read that I hate small talk I want to talk about adam's death alien sex magic intellect the meaning of life far away galaxies music That makes you feel different memories the lies you've told your flaws your favorite sense your Sense your childhood. What keeps you up at night your insecurity and fears I like people with depth who speak with emotion from a twisted mind. I don't want to know what's up Do you realize most of you are having surface conversations with men? You're having surface conversations with men All talking about your day You're not talking about the depths of a person like what I shared in that meme This is the time to shift that narrative because many of you are accepting these Crumbs these men who just all they want to do talk about their problems They just want to talk about their day instead of laying the cards on the table Why are we doing this? Why are we spending time together? Is it that you just need company or you looking for a serious relationship? And then what are you going to do to demonstrate that you want a serious relationship? That's my invitation for all of you. And that's what I teach in my private coaching All right question Nia After a divorce how long until he is ready to date after six months. He said he's ready and now pulling away Okay, so I want you to imagine a marriage is like this and then you unravel the tapestry of your life It takes the average man after 40 a good two to two and a half years And they usually have one to two transition girlfriends during that time So if he's six months out good chance that you are going to be the transition girlfriend look that up Let's look up what google says. Hey google Can you look up transition girlfriend for me? Let's see what he says one of those things we both have to agree on I prefer to keep a relationship friendly romance makes me incredibly awkward So these are the guys who say they want a relationship and then they pull the um They pull the i'm not ready card. That's because you didn't do a good job properly vetting him remember your job is to learn how to vet Screen and filter out the wrong man and then invite in the right men through a different process Look it I get dating sucks right now. Let me just tell you something It isn't going to get any easier It's going to get habitually harder to meet a person Who's at the same space in your life? It's going to require massive amount of effort and quite frankly It's going to require self-promotion. It's going to require that if you do not have a strategy Then the odds are not in your favor and I know many of you are going why aren't men asking me out? What's because they don't know you exist and if they don't know exist, how can they ask you out? This is why you got to make effort to be seen by single eligible men. Is this sinking in is this resonating? Please let me know. Please hit that like button if it is all right Roller girl writes. Hey roller girl. How do I get when wait? How do I let go when he is still he's wait when he has still to live with me? Well, kick him out. I mean, I don't know I mean if someone lives with you then you better have Conversations to talk about where's this relationship going and if it isn't working then you make arrangements to end This living arrangement. I mean that's what folks. It's time to act like grown-ups I got to tell you many of you many of you and certainly many of the men How to be an adult in relationships By the way, read this book by david rico all the books. I recommend are listed below But I would highly recommend learning how to become an adult in relationship. That means making adult choices for yourself Which includes having a deeper conversation and if you need to be need be in the relationship Nia, thank you so much after divorce. How long is he ready to date? I answered that question And thank you for the dollar nine nine super sticker. I really appreciate it Hey scorpio moon writes question Why not just focus on ourselves self development on our self development versus asking silly questions about what men think of us Or why they do what they do they do what they do because they are broken humans like us and Worse is because you let them I mean that's one of the things I respect most about marie Is she had a certain level when by the way, we've shared most of our back story We've shared our back story with each other And I think we probably went through the nooks and crannies of many of our relationships And one of the things I respect about her is she had self-respect if a man didn't treat her with respect Done done done She I mean she had no problem walking away from a man because she wouldn't allow herself to get attached to a person Who hasn't shown up with his actions matching his words and certainly Look at there's the getting to know you period It takes about 40 hours of face to face time just to kind of get to know someone it takes And very few people ever get to that 40 hours of face to face time Just according to jay shetty takes about 100 hours of face to face time just to build the first layer of trust Very few men ever got to that point with her. In fact, I would say it. There's only probably um three or four men in her life that ever got to that place with her 100 hours of face to face time and it takes about 200 hours according to jay shetty to build a good friendship with someone And it's face to face time. It's not texting. It's not texting and by the way face to face time doesn't include You know we you know bubble relationships where you get together for a short period of time You hang out and then you don't see each other for months And it doesn't count the time you are sleeping Okay, this counts that face to face time doing social activities hobbies mutual interest spending time with family and friends That's how you actually get to know someone. Is this sinking in? Please let me know All right Merhaba Jonathan. Hey turkish woman living in austral just want to say I appreciate the Content you post on your channel. Well, thank you. Merhaba is hello For those of for those who don't know turkish and thank you so much for that jody. I appreciate it all right question If there is a guy at the gym that i'm interested in we make eye contact But smile smiles, but have not talked yet What do you think of me making the first move and asking them for coffee? Pam, I love this question. So very quickly Marie made the first move with me. She wrote me an email from match.com. She made the first move And she actually kept the friendship going more so than I did in the beginning Okay, in other words kept in contact now. I know of a dear friend of mine. She met a man at a bar Some years ago. They they had a relationship for two and a half years Um, she was with the bar at a bar with some girlfriends He was with some guy friends and she threw an ice cube at him And he's like, what are you doing? He goes, I don't know what i'm doing. Well, they end up having a conversation and I mean, they were they started dating Following week and they were together for two and a half years now. It didn't work out He was actually much younger than her She was in her late 40s And he was in his early 30s, but nonetheless she made the move Yes, you can absolutely make a move with a guy. Do not be afraid to ask someone for coffee. My god It's just coffee It's not like you. Oh my god, but jonathan that might make him might make might Emasculate him his penis might shrivel up because I took the initiative to just say You want to get a cup of coffee so we can get to know one another? That's how simple it is folks It's okay to make oh my god. I was slurping. Yes. It's okay to make the effort all right JS writes question If in one of those type In one of these types of therapist relationship how to change the relationship or get out of it great question Well, first off to get out of a relationship is really simple Thank you so much for the time we spent together tim. I think you're a great guy I've had a time to reflect I think we're misaligned with each other and I don't feel comfortable continuing with this relationship So right now I want to move on and wish you all the best if there's something you need to share I don't feel comfortable going into much deeper about it, but that's how I feel Okay, that's one. I mean that's just a way of doing it how to change the relationship It's hard listen when I was in the depths of depression when I was in the in the pit of despair No woman could change that for me Sadly many of you enabled me But the best you know, I'm going to tell you something I had one woman Um, this doesn't count exactly, but I had a date one night with a woman. I turned out I got alcohol poisoning And I acted very belligerent to her and you know what she did when I wrote her the next morning Hey, how's it going? I sent her an email. Let's get together again. She she blasted me By sharing what my my behavior was she goes. I don't ever want to see you again She did me a big favor now. I realized later. I had I had probably I had mixed two alcohols and I had no food in my stomach But she gave me a wake-up call ladies What you could do is tell men look. I don't want to accept your behavior I'm I don't want to be with you anymore. Sometimes men need to get smacked upside the head Like tapping a shark on the nose to get them to wake up Um, so anyway, you can't change someone but you can certainly You can certainly change how you react to someone. Okay All right, let me keep going here Um question Is there an is there an age to give up on finding a partner? I'm 63 natural and in good shape Uh in my own power but can't find a man near my age who isn't chasing women much younger Well, for the record, um, we're not that far apart in age and my sweetheart is a year older than me so folks Men aren't all chasing younger women number one I've worked with women who are in their mid 60s who have met men fallen in love and gotten married I've worked with a woman who is 78 years old and she has five boyfriends right now. Okay. She's very much like, um Betty white if you will about without the white hair um So it is absolutely possible at any age And not all men are chasing younger women now What I have wanted listen before I met my sweetheart Did I did my ego want someone 10 or 15? Youngers younger absolutely But you know, I'm getting old now. I'm not as fries. I used to be I'm grateful for someone my own age Believe me. I was with uh, I was at a woman's group today and the woman who was hosting it There was about 50 women there. She's with her boyfriend. I think they're about the same age You know, she he might actually be uh, she might actually be a year older than him And she's probably in her late 50s. So guess what not all men want younger women. Okay Um Catherine says I love it. That's such a cool statement. Love it real conversations are wonderful exactly I hate small talk Jody says if you're questioning the friendship and relationship, something is wrong. Stop making excuses for their behavior. Exactly maria writes Question What if the guy doesn't talk? I'm a social butterfly. We've been dating nine months. Could this relationship work? You know, I have a dear friend. She's been married for 25 years. She met her man. I think when she was uh Let's see probably 28 years old. Maybe they've been together longer And he's not much of a talker Um, he's she's the social butterfly. She likes to go to parties. He's like, I'm more he's an introvert She's an extrovert. They're happily married for 25 years Now for example, what they do in social events for years They were always having problems. She'd want to go be the social butterfly at a party He's like, I wouldn't want to go and they had conflict with one another And then one day she said, you know what sweetheart? We own two automobiles How about we make a deal? You join me at a party for the first hour And then I can stay till midnight. Okay, and you can leave whenever you want I just want you to show up with me and so now they drive separately to parties He does his one hour He spends time shaking hands with everybody and then he goes homes and kicks back and watches sports or whatever he does You can always work around things how this happens is through conversations. This is what I teach my radical honesty Pre-qualifying people having your laying your cards on the table setting up the rules of engagement sooner rather than later So you don't find yourself Attached the wrong person again schedule a discovery call with me All right, Jamie writes I'm a therapist and an empath. You're absolutely right. I'm worn out and stop dating I'm moving to the coast and marrying my boogie board Stop being a therapist. That's the bizarre way men use women um Roller girl says thank you. I tried talking with them today about it. Thank you, Jonathan. You're very welcome Roller girl says self-respect. Yes. Good for Marie. I one of the things I I admire her so much. She has so much self-respect She has so much self-respect. I really do admire her for that That's a quality that really says I'm not going to put up with bullshit Now she wasn't always this way She put up with a lot of crap in her marriage and even in one of her other significant relationships But you know what she says I will not put up with crap if you act like a jerk I'm going to call you out on it and thankfully I don't act like a jerk And by the way, I was in the trenches with you folks everything I teach in my coaching Is everything I practice for myself And let me tell you a juicy delicious healthy relationship is out there for you all It just requires making a little bit of effort instead of the passive way people are dating God universe spirit I invite in a juicy delicious relationship where we have amazing communication with one another and the chemistry Between the two of us is off the charts and we share the same values And our lifestyles are blendable one another and our banter can go on for hours and hours of the time And we've created the deep roots of trust so we can handle conflicts and differences with ease god universe spirit I invite that into my life now. I am experiencing that Ah, that's my prayer for you all Did you like the prayer? Hope you did Queen dances chances I will not accept Any more crumbs no more scrubs as uh, what was that uh group that you sing that question How do you start laying all the cards on the table? I just started seeing someone and there's definitely chemistry I want to go deeper than the surface. Okay, great question. There's something marie and I did right from the early on So it started I I led the charge. Okay, but she could have done this too and it would have been fine so right up front we um We shared what we were looking for and by the way when someone says i'm looking for a relationship Okay, first off ladies When a guy says i'm looking at for a relationship. I want you to think of the bar very low Most of my clients when they're looking for a relationship They would like a relationship where they spend on average two three two three days Two three four days and nights a week together doing shared activities hobbies mutual interest spending time with family and friends traveling together Teamwork building skills both in their personal and professional life intimacy both physical and emotional intimacy Which leads to either moving in together getting married that's establishing the standard and he goes I don't know He's like shaggy. Well, I don't know. I just want a relationship Well, if you don't know what it looks like how the fuck can you actually be in one? So first establish what it looks like. Okay um number two You lay your you tell as much as possible about your past relationships to give them some context of where you're at today Including asking the question does anyone currently believe they're in a relationship with you That's a really important question to ask does anyone currently believe they're in a relationship with you Okay, that's how you begin laying your cards on the table and go look The penis doesn't get to go inside the vagina until we've built some trust with one another and trust isn't just about fidelity Trust is do I until I know you have my best interest at heart. I'm not going to sleep with you ladies you have one power Men want vaginas and you can keep your legs closed. Okay. I know that goes against You know a woman's body and your empowerment everything but look at Sex is the bargaining tool here It used to be if a guy wanted to get laid he had to get married now And I'm sorry to use this crude analogy Why buy the milk if it's given for free so frequently And sadly many of you will sleep with a guy who you barely know Okay, that's my rant Thank you for listening M. A says question He's 40. I'm 50 and he's been chasing me since since the last three years now that I have Agreed to a relationship. He's blowing hot and cold. How do I proceed? You know character to me is a person's whose actions Consistently match their words that to me is the definition of character your actions consistently match your words Look at there's the old saying fool me once Shame on you Fool me twice shame on me if he's habitually hot and cold Cut off the first off cross your legs He doesn't get your vagina and then you have some real deep conversations And by the way, how long have you been dating? Uh for three years. Why haven't you? Oh, you've known each other three years You know what? He was addicted to the chase Now that he has you the chase is gone. I know many of you hear all the time Men love the hunt men love the chase. But what are men hunting and chasing? They're chasing sex They're not chasing. I mean, you know the thing is this cat and mouse game on some level by you not By you not agreeing and him chasing the minute he got you he got the satisfaction of what the hunt is all about Is the one time kill? That's why you don't want to be dating men on the hunt You want to be dating men who make effort because you're equally making effort at the same time If you're not familiar with the book if the buda dated if the buda dated This does this is about how to throw out the bullshit gender rhetoric to get to know someone at a heart centered level I highly again. There's a link below to get the books. I recommend I highly recommend checking out that book Um lacy this will be our last question for the day question How can I decipher if a man is love bombing in a healthy way versus immature unhealthy way? first off There is no such thing as healthy love bombing Okay A man can express interest, but he love bombing is an excessive amount of interest Okay, an excessive amount and it's usually driven by Convincing you to be in a relationship with them or convincing you to have sex with them that love bombing is unhealthy Versus the healthy way a man will invest in you and then he'll test This is from matthew hussey and you invest in him and you test that is the healthy way You're each mutually making an investment in one another. That's how you know It's healthy when it feels off It usually is and just remember love bombing is a unhealthy way of connecting with someone because they're either trying to convince you To have sex with them or convincing you to like them in most cases. So lacy. Thank you so much for that question All right, I know we have more questions, but I'm going to take my sweetheart out to dinner tonight I want to take her out for a drink and show her a good time Again, I'm going to tell you something. I was in the trenches with you. I get it. It's it's dating fucking socks It really does And if you do not have a strategy and if you don't understand that self promotion is part of the process Then guess what? Nobody's knocking on your door I mean, maybe if a burglar breaks in and wants to steal your tv and says, hey, you're cute While you're there, but nobody's knocking on your door unless you're making effort. And by the way when you make Quality effort you get quality results. Many of you are making art The effort is terrible on your part. And by the way, men are just as clueless as well This isn't singular to women. This is singular to this is true for both genders So quality effort will and by the way, many of you are delusional thinking your effort is quality when it's really crappy But that's another conversation if you need some support with that Check out the link to a free discovery call if you can't afford coaching check out my group called midlife love mastery Check out the books. I recommend follow me on instagram And if you like this video, please hit that like button. Please share this video and please subscribe to my channel if you're brand new All right, I'm going to wrap up this video as I always do first off give myself a big gigantic Jonathan bear hug of self love I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm going to ask you to turn to someone a pet teddy bear or pillow and give it or them a hug of love Because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives I want to thank bindi cat and andre and nico and roller girl and denise and chaos wilkins and cheek chinky and kimmy and nico and scorpio moon roller girl and grace and uh me me And my god lacy m a laura scorpio moon everyone. Thank you so much wishing you a fab evening. Bye now