 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Johnathan Asley of JohnathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today. Our topic, men always respect and understand women who do this. We're gonna talk about three things that they do that's awesome to get that high value guy. Really quickly, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if any time during this video, the content resonates with you, please hit that like button so I could be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Really quickly, my coaching is what I call heart centered radical honesty. It's direct, a little tough love and a lot of heart. Occasionally I use expletives to enhance the sentence and if an F bomb or two isn't your cup of tea, I highly recommend suggest logging off right now. And lastly, these are just my thoughts, my opinions, my perceptions by no stretch of the means is this the truth? You have to decide the truth for yourself. And my hope is I can shake you up a little bit to open and expand your consciousness. All right, let's talk about those things. Women can do, how men will respect and understand women, especially if you're doing this. Now it's interesting, I think we would all agree that respect is rather important in a relationship. And I know I've spoken to thousands of women or feels like tens of thousands of women in my coaching career. And I will say respect is one of the most important things from a woman's perspective. And certainly it's true for men as well. Is that we have to feel like this is a person we can trust that we feel that there's a sense of integrity and more importantly beyond the integrity and their character is do they really fit into what I'm looking for in my life? And I would want to differentiate between high value men and say the average guy. And what I mean by the average guy, I mean about that emotionally stunted human being who really doesn't have good EQ and they're very myopic in their dating practice. They're very tunnel vision in their dating practice. Sometimes we call these people players, sometimes we call them narcissists, sometimes we call them wounded people. I mean, the list can go on and on. And I know it can be rather frustrating because quite frankly, 80% if not more of those singles looking for love, and this is true of men and women alike who are actually very emotionally stunted and have weak communication skills to truly articulate from themselves to be seen, heard and understood by the other person. It's interesting, I recently, and I mean literally just recently had a conversation with a moment from a dating site. And I really appreciated that from the moment we began talking, we could go to the deeper level of conversation instead of the surface level conversation. So my hope is if you follow my channel, you see this dating, mating and relating conversation that I put out there from a deeper level, from an understanding of human behavior. So let's jump into the three things that a woman can do that can absolutely shift your experience in the early stages of dating, mating and relating when you're with this high value guy. Now, I know you're not gonna know he's high value from the beginning. So I just want you to, my invitation for you is to operate from this premise. And hopefully if you're with the right guy, he's going to appreciate it. And if you're with the wrong guy, I promise you he won't, okay? So I'm gonna start and actually this piggybacks on the video I shot this morning, it's called a short that I shot this morning about two things men respect. We're actually gonna expand upon it a little bit more. And that's what gave me the impetus to do this today. So number one, high value men respect women who put in mutual effort in the dating process. Women who put in mutual effort. You know, it's interesting. A lot of conversations in the dating realm, centers around who should pay for a date. And I like what Matthew Hussie said some years ago, and this illustrates the point I'm about to make in a moment, Matthew Hussie and his video about who pays for a date. You can go Google it or YouTube it later. He says, if a man was raised right, he would pay for the date. If a woman was raised right, she would offer to contribute. Now, the point I'm making here is centered around, and by the way, I'm not getting into who invited the other person out whatnot, but in the dating realm today, for the most part, 95% of people are meeting total strangers. People that have no clue who they are in their life. There's no one degree of separation out there. So your first date is actually just a meeting and not necessarily a true date. It's a meeting. So why I think he suggested that is it demonstrates making effort. What men appreciate most, and you know, we could substitute the word respect with appreciation. What men appreciate most is women who make effort. In the video I shot previously, for example, if you've gone on two or three dates with a guy, then you know what? On the fourth date, invite him out. Men appreciate and respect women who make effort in the process. Now, I know you're told men are supposed to lead. Listen, controlling men want to lead the dating process. The controlling men typically want to lead the dating process. Beta men want you to lead the dating process. Let me repeat that. Beta men want you to lead the process. And the high value guy, the high value man, is seeking a life partner. He's looking at it from the perspective of traveling on a two-lane street and your cars are making mutual effort at speed, at the same speed. By the way, let's not get fixated on the who pays for date. I'm just using that as an example in this analogy. But this also includes calling, you know, the fear, a lot of women fear just calling up a guy because you've been told that men are supposed to take charge and be completely in charge because that demonstrates whether or not they're into you. I'm gonna tell you something, ladies, especially for those of you at midlife and my specialty is midlife, after baby making years and before retirement, is men in their 40s, 50s or 60s, they don't have the testosterone level they have in their 20s. They're not totally chasing sex. By the way, when you're told men are on the hunt, they're just on the hunt for sex. It's not they, I want a relationship, I want a relationship. That's not what they're on the hunt for. So when you're actually mutually making effort in the process, we actually respect you more. In fact, I did a study in a men's group I belong to 15,000 men in a group. And I posed a question similar to what I just shared. And over 1,000 of them commented, she's one of a kind, she's a keeper, don't let her go, she's a unicorn. When a woman makes effort in the process, we actually respect you far greater than the expectation, the narrative you've all been sold that men are the leaders of the relationship. So again, controlling men are turned off by women who make effort. Beta men, they want you to make all the effort. The high value man is seeking a mutual, a woman who makes a mutual investment, just like I shared before. All right, number two, and this is hugely important, is a woman who speaks up, a woman who speaks up. One of men's greatest complaints about women, at least I've heard this 1,000 times, is we men are not mind readers. If something is bothering you, if something is on your mind, and it has, and it's material to the relationship or material to the success of the relationship, then please speak up, folks. By keeping your voice, or keeping your voice stifled by not speaking up in relationship, and then weeks go by, and then it begins to fester, and then you blow up at us for what happened, that we couldn't read your mind, we high value men appreciate women who are forthright, who speak their mind, who actually have established their standards and established their boundaries. We are highly attracted to women who express their standards and express their boundaries rather early in the process. And if you're not comfortable with that, then I highly recommend checking out my book, What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway? What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway? Chapter one is speak your truth, do it with kindness. Later on in the book, chapter nine says, if it's sincere and from the heart, you can't say the wrong thing to the right guy. So ladies, I wanna encourage you, stop being afraid, I know your fear is that if you say something, he might break up with you. The minute you ever feel a fear that if I speaking up, someone's gonna break up with you, then he has the power in the relationship. He has the power. And folks, if you're giving your power away to a man, most, again, most men are either controlling or beta, so the controlling guy is gonna abuse it, he's gonna take advantage of you. And the beta guy, how would the beta guy reply when you don't speak your truth? Quite frankly, when you're with the beta guy, you're already in charge of the relationship and he's the one afraid to speak his truth. So it's a lose, lose in both cases, okay? Being with the controlling guy. And by the way, alphas are oftentimes controlling. Let me repeat that, alphas are oftentimes controlling. I know many of you might be like the idea being that with the quintessential alpha, the James Bond's of the world, yeah, I know they're sexy and they're great to fucking bet. But let me tell you something, they don't make really good partners for the most part. By the way, my cup says, swear a little, you'll feel better, swear a little, you'll feel better. As I said before, I do throw an F bomb here or there. All right, so speak your truth. Stop being afraid. Being afraid doesn't help you and quite frankly, you're hurting the relationship when you're afraid to speak your truth. Okay, number three, and that is no pressure, no pressure. Folks, here's the thing. We men are ladies, I should say. Well, let me just say this. When I said folks, I meant ladies, okay? We men have a propensity to believe that you want a relationship more than we do. I'm gonna repeat that. We kind of had this predisposition that you are more needy in relationship than we are. Whether that's true or not, that's a whole nother conversation, but we literally start with that expectation. So the best way to take pressure off of a man who has this expectation is to express your standards very early on in the relationship, and then when your standards aren't being met, express your boundaries. Now standards might look like something like this. Now if you're like me, and I don't know if you are, when I'm dating a person, I like to be monogamous if we're having a sexual relationship and I like to be exclusive. That's my standard, is I'm not looking to date multiple people at the same time and I'm not looking for a woman who dates multiple people at the same time. And certainly if we're being intimate together, the last thing I want is catching cooties from someone else, okay? By the way, does that basically scream I'm a boomer when I use the word cooties? When I was growing up in the 60s, 60s and 70s, I should say cooties was a big word. So with that said, that's my standard and I invite you to express your standard from the get-go because when you do and you set up your boundaries associated with those standards, then you're not putting any pressure on the guy. By the way, I know going back to the previous thing about speaking up, you feel like you might scare a guy away. It's quite the opposite. When you lean into your feelings, not only are you speaking your truth, which is hugely important, you're also taking the pressure off of us when you actually encourage healthy communication in the relationship. You know what fascinates me is I interview hundreds of women in relationships and it fascinates me how few of them they're strung out on a guy, they're absolutely hooked on a guy, but they actually don't have a real deep friendship with the guy, they feel such fear of speaking up and because of that, they're also putting tremendous pressure on the relationship by not speaking up because we're having to fill in the gap of the expectation that you want more than us. This is why I'm such a big proponent, folks, before the penis ever goes inside the vagina. Those who know my languaging is to read the book Eight Dates by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, Eight Dates by Drs. John and Julie Gottman and the reason why I recommend this is you can have deeper conversations about what your standards are and what your boundaries are in relationship because then that takes all the pressure off of the expectation that it's all on the guy and let's be clear, men are rather fucking clueless these days. I mean, ridiculously clueless. Men in their 20s and 30s who are on a hunt for a wife, they are very tunnel vision. They go after what they want. For the demographics in the 40s, 50s and 60s, they're rather clueless because they're no longer on the hunt for a wife and quite frankly, most humans don't know how to blend lives together. Let me repeat that. Most humans in their 40s, 50s, 60s know how to blend lives and let me give you an analogy. You know, I'm in my 50s. Let's consider my life a 450 piece puzzle. And let's say I meet a woman and her life is readily established and she's also close to my age and she has 440 pieces in her puzzle. Here's the problem. A healthy relationship might be 500 pieces. You're going to have to make compromises and changes in each other's lives to be able to take 450 and 440 and make it 500 pieces. And this is why so many of you, I witness you make mistakes over and over again because you have this expectation that love will just solve everything because love is the magic fairy dust to fix incompatibility. Those who know me know my relationship iceberg. Here, I'm going to give it to you really quickly. And that is relationship iceberg. The tip of the iceberg is chemistry. That's what we all see. That's where attraction lies but below the water line is compatibility. Shared values, blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity. That's where the work is. We can all have chemistry. That's the easy part. Although it doesn't feel that way because most of the time in our 40s, 50s or 60s we don't feel attracted to most people because the reality is people in their 50s and 60s are ridiculously out of shape. They eat like crap. Their health is crap. They're losing all their body parts or they have to put in body parts to change their body parts. And this is why we're having so many challenges because people focus on the surface above the water and not below the water. And my hope is that my advice expands your horizons, makes you look at things a different way and says, ah, wait a minute. You know what? Maybe that old way I was taught to date should be replaced with a new way to date, mate, and relate and that's my invitation for you all. So just a repeat. To get a man to respect and understand you, I'd like to encourage you to do this. See the dating process as being mutual effort. It's a two lane street. Number two, I highly encourage you to speak up. Speak your truth. Just do it kindly. And remember, you can't say the wrong thing to the right guy. And number three, no pressure. That means setting up your standards right from the beginning and then holding to your standards with your boundaries. And a boundary as Brené Brown says is what's okay and what's not okay for me. All right. That gives you the gist of where we're going today. Perfect time to start with our Q and A. Those who are regulars on my live stream know that on my YouTube channel here there's a live chat box for those who are listening to the recording. There's no way to chime in. So those who are listening, you can post a question by writing the word question and then write the word question and then post your question thereafter with a question mark so I can see it. And or you can purchase a super sticker and super chat. Those who know me know that the monies that come in from the super stickers, super chats go to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley, who passed away. There's a picture of him there with me. And it's to help defray the cost of personal development for those who want to do personal development work. And I also donate to the Hoffman process and to Insight seminars. So purchase a super sticker, super chat. And by the way, purchase a super sticker, super chat just to tell me that I'm doing a good job that makes me feel good. And I hope, please do it if you feel like I'm providing value to you. All right, let's jump into the Q and A part. Bum, bum, bum. Oops, let me clean my glasses real quick. All right, let's go swimming. Doug says, ah, yes, interesting. Thank you so much. Let's see, do we have any questions? Post the word question and then write your question there after. Let's see if we have any questions. Lillian says, I'm not a boomer. I am. Tail end, the very tail end of the boomers. All right. When it was reversed, I was in my chaser phase. I told him what I wanted to go vacation now. I love planning vacations. I found a yacht club near our new office. Where do you want to go? I love that. That I did get a question that came in. So I'm going to post it for everyone here. Because I thought this was a good question. So bear with me everyone, bum, bum, bum. Okay, so this question actually came in previously. So the question is Jonathan. I've been told that men are supposed to lead the dating process, but that doesn't feel right to me. What do you say? Jonathan, I've been told that men are the leaders of the dating process. What do you say about that? Great question, so happy you asked that. So what's interesting is that I just had a client call me yesterday. Now this is a client who went through my private coaching program. It's a six week boot camp that I literally retrain your whole thinking on the way we date, mate, and relate. And literally I will tell you I get clients who call me up after they've gone through my boot camp and say, Jonathan, I met a great guy. Jonathan, I met a great guy. Jonathan, I met a great guy. And she went through the boot camp six months ago. And when she finished, I said to her, I had this intuition, she would meet a great guy. And it turns out she did. And what she called me yesterday to give me the 411 on what happened. And what was interesting was they met during, where they lived is in Europe and they were in lockdown some months ago. And so they met online and most of their communication for about two months was online. I mean, basically text messaging and Zoom calls and emails and that sort of things because they weren't able to meet in person. And when they were finally able to meet in person they got together in a safe way from what I understand. And they were able to have, they were able to have a date. And she told me they had a really great time. He was really into her. It was very, felt very safe. It felt very comfortable because they had spent some time building up a little bit of familiarity with each other. So when they met it felt very comfortable and safe for her. So what was interesting is after the date he indicated he'd reach out to her and one day went by and two days went by and three days went by and he didn't reach out to her. And she thought that was kind of suspicious based on all the communication they had and everything. And what she was telling me was all her friends said, no, no, don't reach out to him. Don't reach out to him. Don't reach out to him. Men are supposed to chase. Men are supposed to lead. Men are supposed to do this. All the men are supposed to do things. Well, she actually reached out to him and invite him out for a drink. She said, I'm a text message. Hey, I just wanted to check in with you. I think this was the fourth or fifth day. And he said, hey, listen, I just wanted to, I had such a great time. I'd like to take you out for a drink. And he said, sure. And so when they got together for a drink he said, she said, you know, I kind of thought it was a little suspicious that you didn't reach out to me after we had this, what I thought was a good day. And he was very forthright. He said, he said, first off, he apologized. He said, well, two things. He said he wasn't 100% sure she was into him. He wasn't 100% sure she was into him, number one. And number two, he was going through some personal stuff. And so, and he was incredibly grateful she reached out to him. She was so grateful. She reached out to him. Not because he's this beta male, it's because he was a little preoccupied and he was a little uncertain if she was into him. By making that effort, kind of going back to what I talked about earlier, making mutual effort in the process, it turns out they had a great second date. The second date a few days later turned into a third date. The third date turned into a fourth date. And now three months later, she's calling me up to give me the 4-1-1 on everything. They're in a fantastic relationship. So going back to the original question, her advice from her girlfriends was, no, no, no. Men are supposed to chase, men are supposed to pursue, men are supposed to leave. Folks, here at Midlife, it's a whole different ballgame. You can't apply advice for 20 and 30-year-olds to 40, 50 and 60-year-olds. I think one of the things, and this is gonna be me being a little arrogant for a moment, what I think makes me unique as a dating coach is I was married, gone through a divorce, lost all my money in the marketplace, I did drugs and alcohol, I was a train wreck. Then I did personal development work to begin to heal. I found my passion in life being a dating relationship coach. Why I share this is I understand alimony, child support, visitation rights, erectile dysfunction, women are going through menopause, elderly parents going through assisted living, and worse, going through the trauma of losing my child. Those, again, though, there's kinda right there. So I've been through hell. And why I share this with you is most people in their 40s, 50s and 60s go through hell in some way, shape, or form. We call this midlife crisis. And the sad thing is you can't apply advice, this whole masculine energy is supposed to do and feminine energy just leans back and you just sit back and let the man pursue and he'll just gravitate towards you and he's gonna claim you. That doesn't work for the 40s, 50s and 60 categories. We're riddled with flaws, we're riddled with woundedness. This is why I'm such a big proponent of doing the inner work before you do any dating. This is why I continually recommend the book The Hoffman Process, The Hoffman Process, which helps you heal childhood wounds and traumas as well as adult traumas because it causes our negative patterns and limiting beliefs. And what happens is why this is so hugely important in the dating conversation is because most men and women are good human beings. Most men and women are good human beings. They're just bad at the dating process. And the fact is, as I shared before, we come to the table with full lives and this whole narrative that men are supposed to chase and they're supposed to claim you. Yeah, that might sound good to sell you on a program, someone's trying to sell you, but that's not how it works for the 40, 50-year-old catty. Yes, there are controlling men who will chase you. There's no doubt about it. There are beta men that want you to chase them. The high value guy is seeking a partnership. He's seeking that woman is gonna say, hey, sweetheart, can I take you out for a drink? He's looking for that woman that says, hey, sweetheart, you were just on my mind. That's why I called you because I know you've been so indoctrinated that men are supposed to do 99% of the work. Men, as we age, they get tired, okay? We want you to make effort. The emotionally mature men. Emotionally stunted men? Well, here's the challenge. If you don't know how to figure out how to vet for emotional maturity, then I highly recommend checking out the link below to scheduling a discovery call with me to see if working with the coach is right for you. My area of expertise is to help you vet for emotional maturity and teach you the right questions to ask. So coming back to this client, one of the things she said to me when we had our conversation yesterday was how grateful she was that I helped her form all the right questions based on her personality to really vet if this is the right guy for her. And you know the funny thing was when she was coaching with me, she was strung out on some previous guy. All she talked about was some guy that broke up with her six months earlier and all she could talk about was him. And she was so afraid to date by taking the courage and making the investment in herself and going through my program, she put herself out there, met what appears to be a great guy and their relationship is blooming. And you know what, I know this because she finally knows the difference between a guy who's emotionally unhealthy and the guy who's ready to lean into a relationship. So coming back to the original question was here's the bottom line. Don't be afraid to make effort. In fact, I encourage you to make effort because at the, and by the way, for the men who are listening to this on the live chat, I guarantee you they're giving the thumbs up. The quality men who are following my work as well are saying to all of you, yes, ladies, we appreciate women who make effort because that's actually how we respect you even more and we appreciate you more and we're gonna lean in stronger to the relationship. Let me end on this one note. Never make more effort than he. It's a two lane street of effort. It's not doing more. By the way, giving more love doesn't get you more love. Especially if you're with someone who can't give you love. Giving more love is not gonna get you more love. I'm talking about effort is mutual. And that's highly sexy. And so if you really want a relationship that's co-created that has a strong bond, I recommend making mutual effort. Thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it. All right. I wanna thank Tim for the super sticker. Thank you so much. Anna writes, okay, question. Why would a guy be okay and tell him and you tell him I'm done and calls you and texts you like nothing ever happened the next day? Why would a guy be okay and you tell him you're done? Okay, so if I understand the question correctly is you've told the guy you've ended the relationship and he continues to reach out. Great question. So what's happening inside of him is the little kid inside of him is wounded. The little kid inside of him is wounded. And he's upset. And he wants to either try to get you back, convince you to take him back, but he's a little child who's upset. It's like his teacher got upset with him and he's trying to, maybe he's trying to please you. He's trying to show he's making effort. The bottom line is why he does it. Let me be frank with you. Is it relevant? Why do you care about the why? Why do you care about the why? I mean, why is it so important to know why he does it? Real question is why are you still engaging? If you need to block him on your phone, that could be something you can do or maybe you can politely say, hey, listen, I prefer that we have no further communication anymore, but there's probably something you're getting out of it. Let me repeat that. You're probably getting something out of it. The fact that you told him no and he's giving you effort, I suspect, and I'm not saying this is an absolute, but I suspect your ego actually appreciates that because most human ego will appreciate that because the unhealthy ego appreciates it when someone likes us. So I just invite you not to care about the why and I invite you to move on by simply sending a final message and if need be, block him in your life, if that's what you need to do. But the why is irrelevant because I can give you 100 reasons why. It doesn't matter why. What matters most is why are you engaging? That's my invitation for you anyway. Thank you so much for that question and I really appreciate it. All right, let's go swim in. Let's go, oh, here we go. Sin writes, question, do you think chemistry between man and woman overrated and can chemistry develop over time if it's not there when you first meet? Okay, great question. Can chemistry develop over time? So I think for most men, we need to feel physical attraction, otherwise we're not going to make efforts. I mean, the reality is, is if we don't feel physical attraction, the equipment can't go up. The equipment is like this, if we don't feel attracted, the equipment, it doesn't, well, actually take that back. I'll take a quote from when Harry met Sally. In the movie, Harry met Sally, Sally says, or Harry says men and women can't be friends and he says, why? Because you wanna have sex with them is what Harry says and Sally says, what about the unattractive women? He goes, yeah, you pretty much wanna have sex with them too. Okay, so attraction is what we need to be in a long-term relationship, not to get late. Any guy who will have sex with a woman he's not attracted to, and then believe me, he's doing the old chewing off his arm to get out of bed kind of thing. And by the way, that's no disrespect to attractiveness because, you know, beauty is in the eye of beholder. Okay, so I'm not here to suggest that this is related to beauty. I'm relating this to someone attractiveness. We all have a different type. You know, I used to weigh 20 pounds heavier and I remember dating a woman who says, I like big burly guys who I kind of was at that time. Now, you know, I'm six foot two, 200 pounds. I work out every day. I mean, so I'd like to think I'm in way better shape. But my point is everybody has a different body type. Some men like big butts and they cannot lie and you other brothers can't deny when a girl walks in with the itty bitty waist or nothing in your face, you get sprung. That's not me. I'm not the Kardashian butt type. So coming back to chemistry. So for women, I think it's a little bit different. Dr. Pat Allen says men fall in love through their eyes and women fall in love through their ears. And I think what she meant by that is men are visual creatures. We are more, chemistry for us is basically a visual thing. I think for women, it's actually more of an emotional thing. Now, that's not to say you want to date a guy who's missing teeth and got a beer gut the size of Texas. That's not what I'm talking about. But, and I just noticed that women tend to be not as focused on physical attraction to feel chemistry. Now, here's the bottom line though, coming back to chemistry. Chemistry isn't just a physical attraction thing. It's actually an emotional thing. Are you clicking with this other person? I really believe it's not as much about physical attraction as it is about emotional or more so, energetic connection. Do they get your sense of humor? Do they get your sense of humor? Do they appreciate your values, you know? Does your lifestyles fit in with one another? And most importantly, are they emotionally mature? I think something that's highly sexy is emotional maturity. And when I said 80% of the population is emotionally stunted at best, it's one of the reasons why you go on date after date after date and feel no chemistry with someone. Here's the thing, everybody is different. Can it grow over time? I think attraction can grow over time. I think chemistry is either there or it's not. However, attraction can grow over time. And I think chemistry, okay, I'm gonna negate what I said a moment ago, and let me explain why. I think it's there, I said chemistry is there or not. What I mean to say is when two souls connect, it's either there or it's not. I think when two souls connect, it's there or not. And it just takes a little time to develop that connection, okay? We often, sometimes I think there's a soul connection going on and we interpret it as chemistry. Sometimes we can look at the other way around. I'm just here to say is this. So long as you're not repulsed by a guy, if you feel, maybe you may not be attracted to them, but you feel a great energetic connection with them, go out with them two or three times, maybe four times, because you might be surprised. For us men, we hyper focus on physical attraction. Look it, look it, we've been indoctrinated with all the magazines that are all exploiting women. Let's just face it, advertising does nothing but exploit women's beauty. So we've been bombarded by visualization, movies, magazines, and now the internet, it's a bombardment and let's not even get into porn for a second. So for us, physical attraction is rather important. It's not the only thing, it's just as important. And I understand it's important for you as well. Going back to the question, can chemistry develop over time? I do believe you can become more and more attracted to a person over time or worse, you can be very attracted to them beginning and become less and less attracted to them as you get to know them. Let me repeat that one more time. Attraction can grow over time or worse, you can be attracted and lose attraction over time. So I hope that answers your question. That was a great question, Sin, thank you so much. All right, a next question right above it. Question, once a doctor asked me to visit him at work, I refused, I thought it would have, I thought he would have asked me out for a drink. I've been thinking of him lately, should I contact him and see if he is free? So a doctor, so let's be clear, is this a medical doctor or a psychologist because that's absolutely crossing a line of a therapist or a psychologist, okay? Because you're not supposed to date a patient. Actually, I don't know if medical doctors can date a patient. I'm assuming there's probably not an issue there, but it could be. So with that said, here's the thing. Of course you can ask him out for a drink, you can make a suggestion. If you like this person, he's interested in you, absolutely can you connect together and have a drink together, why not? Going back to the conversation about mutual effort, listen, listen, I know you're not afraid, but if you are afraid, this fear that many people are feeling around making effort, let's stop it. Let's pick up our britches and say, you know what, the dating process is no different than making a brand new friend. I'm gonna repeat that, the dating process is no different than making a brand new friend. When you're making a brand new friend, you make mutual effort. This narrative that you've been sold is good for a bunch of 20 and 30 year olds, but if you're in the 40, 50 and 60 year old category, men want you to make effort. So when you make effort, it lets us know you're interested and it takes the pressure off of us because most men are rather clueless. In fact, I continually say ladies, stop expecting men to lead the dating process. You are in charge of your relationship destiny, so start taking charge and don't be afraid to ask them out for a drink. What's the worst, by the way, what's the worst thing that can happen? A drink is 15 bucks each, so you drop $30 plus tax and tip investment in him. Folks, if you're not willing to invest $30 into getting a NOAA guy, certainly if a man's not willing to invest $30 in getting to know a lady, this is the stupid bullshit we're dealing with. Let's take off the expectations and start leaning into our heart. I highly recommend everybody reading the book if the Buddha dated, if the Buddha dated. This throws out all the bullshit, penis and vagina, gender expectations and it teaches you how to date at a heart-centered place. Let me repeat that, it teaches you how to date at a heart-centered place. Isn't that ultimately what you want? Don't you want a heart-centered relationship? I lose my breath sometimes and I yell, by the way, because like a child about to touch fire, I'm like, stop it. I'm offering an alternate way of looking at it. Look, if the dating process was so fucking awesome, men are the leaders and you sit back in your feminine and men will claim you, then why are men and women, why is the dating process such a clusterfuck? Think of it, it really is a clusterfuck because of gender expectations. When we take the expect, by the way, I know men have higher testosterone and women have estrogen and we can talk about the way they were raised and everything. The reality is as humans are riddled with flaws. Biology, instinct, and I know you've heard the narrative about men are provider protectors, women are nurturers and all that stuff, but at the end of the day, we are all just human beings hurting on the inside. The number one emotional health issue for most humans is, I'm not good enough. I'm not lovable and I'm not likable. And dating triggers that like nobody's business. That's why repetitive dating does more emotional damage than good. That's why I wanna teach you how to vet for emotional maturity and how to determine compatibility much sooner before you give your heart away to a guy. So going back to your question, absolutely reach out to him and ask him out for a drink. I think it'd be a great thing to do. Thank you so much for that question. I wanna thank Anna for the super sticker, much appreciated. Doug says, yes, I totally agree. It certainly doesn't end at 61, see? All right, let's go swim in. Do we have any, Tracy's got a question here. Question, how do you get a guy to open up to you that seems very interested in you, but has a lot of walls? He was very wounded from the past. Okay, great question. He was wounded from the past. Okay, couple of things. You can't heal a man. Well, by the way, let me refrain that. You cannot heal another human being. They have to do it on their own. If they've done no personal development work, self-help work, spiritual work or introspective work to heal a past relationship, you're swimming in shark-infested waters. Let me repeat that, depending on how traumatized it was. Now, how do you get a man to open up? Ladies, there's only one formula to get a man to open up and that is speak your truth, do it with kindness. And when I mean to say start expressing your feelings about him and the relationship and invite him to express his feelings. Now, this is what might happen. You spent seven minutes expressing your feelings and then he expresses his feelings, if he does, and he spends 32 seconds and you're going, but I spent seven minutes and he only spent 32 seconds. Ladies, that 32 seconds is 31.9 seconds more than he wanted to do. So be grateful for the 32 seconds and don't make that space in between drama which you can all do. You can all create irrational drama that he did less. Then the next time, you spend seven minutes expressing your feelings but he spends 47 seconds the next time and a minute and a half the next time and a minute the next time. The way to get a guy to open up, it's like an elephant. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. The only way to get a guy to open up is to express your feelings and then invite him to express his feelings about the relationship. Folks, the dating, mating, or relating process is all about, let's just have a good time. It's all about having a good time. You know what? It's only about having a good time. And it's all about, how's your day? What's your day like? Oh, did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. Did you have a fabulous day? Oh, by the way, I hope you had a fabulous day. I mean, this is the bullshit narrative that 90% of people out there dating are operating on. Or worse, they're vomiting their problems just to have someone else listen to them. If you really wanna connect at an emotional level, then you must go deeper. That's why, again, I'm gonna repeat this book again. Eight Dates by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. If you wanna get to a deeper conversation, then start having deeper conversations with a guy. And I highly recommend everybody purchasing the book Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. Most women communicate their feelings in a very combative way, a very violent way. And I'm here to say this book should have been titled Compassionate Communication because when you learn compassionate communication, you're gonna have a much greater chance for success. And I wanna invite you, this is a book I haven't talked about in a while, I invite you to learn to read the book, how to be an adult in relationship. Most people dating today in their 40s, 50s and 60s are absolute fucking emotional children. It's time to be a grown up. And by the way, ladies, I know you think you're better than men in this area. You are equally as bad. And I know this because I'm out there in the dating realm and I witness it over and over and over again. Most of you are just as emotionally stunted as men. So be careful pointing the finger at men because when you point a finger, there's three fingers pointing back at you. So with that said, fuck, I forgot the original question. I had a brain part there. What was the question? Oh, sorry, that was a different one. Anyways, you get the point of where I'm going. You know me, I go off on all these tangents. All right, thanks so much for that question. I really appreciate it. And I forgot what it was. How to get a guy to open, there it is. How to get a guy to open up. So just to repeat, express yourself, invite him to express yourself and then go from there. Great. Okay, A.M. writes, if the Buddha dated, um, what a concept, yes, I'm getting it. By the way, there's a link to all my recommended books below. Jonathan recommend books. Of all the books I recommend are located below. Hillary says, another great book. I've bought so many of your recommendations. So happy to hear that. All right. Sin says, Jonathan recommends such great books. And by the way, don't forget my book. What the heck is self love anyway? Ha ha ha ha ha ha. All right. Oh, looks like two people are flirting with each other on my chat box. I love it. Someone wants to get the other person's Instagram. Cool. I'm loving it. Um, okay. And Nima, or I mean, fuck, I don't even know how to say your name. What should I do? What should I do? A guy I like shows very little interest. He texts randomly, never inconsistent, never to talk to me. Should I move on and block him? First off, I don't think you should block someone, but listen, if, well, it doesn't even sound like you're dating. You like this guy. So if you like him, listen, be bold, reach out to him, invite him out for a drink, tell him you like him, okay? Invite him out for a drink, tell him you like him. If he's interested, he might jump in. If he's not interested, he won't take you up on the offer. I mean, it really is that simple. Just invite him out for a drink and tell him you like him. And would you be exploring getting to know one another? Either he's going to jump in or he's not. If he's like you and he's attracted to you, be careful because he might just want to fuck you. Because you got to be careful of that. And that's why I teach you in my coaching how to avoid that. But ultimately, it's as simple as that. Otherwise, you're going to be playing this stupid game. And if you need to, then stop communication and move on, okay? It's that simple. Reach out to him and tell him you like him. If he wants, and by the way, I've had women reach out to me. They said, hey, Jonathan, you're an interesting guy. I'd like to take you out for a drink. I've gone out with drinks. In fact, a couple of women, I dated a little bit, but we weren't compatible with one another. We were totally misaligned. Our lifestyles were different. Actually, in my case, most of the time, women are emotionally just, listen, I know it can be intimidating dating a guy like me because I'm not to suggest that I have high emotional IQ. But I certainly have a desire for someone to have emotional IQ at my level. And I recognize just like men, women have weak emotional IQ too. Going back to your question, invite him out, see what happens. Thank you so much for your question. I really appreciate it. I wanna thank Connie for the Super Sticker. Thank you so much. If you wanna purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat, just remember the funds go to a scholarship fund in the name of Connor Asley. Isn't he cute? Oh, now I'm gonna cry. Yesterday, I was driving home and I saw a young boy that looked just like Connor. And it was like a punch in the gut. I mean, folks, no parent should ever see their child lifeless. No parent should ever see their child lifeless. And I miss his cuteness. I miss his personality. In fact, this book was dedicated to him. My favorite chapter in this book is don't let anyone fuck with your chi. And why I share this with everyone right at this moment is I witness women giving their power away to men. And don't let anyone fuck with your chi. Don't ever give your power away to anyone and don't ever let anyone fuck with you. It's time, I wanna encourage everyone to stand in their power, to stand in their sovereignty, in their self-worth, self-esteem, self-confidence, self-reliance. And just if you can do that in Connor's name, maybe if I give you a little boost and give you some of the love he gave me. And I wanna encourage so many of you to stand in your power because the one thing my beautiful son did, I never witnessed a young person be so in his power the way he was. And he lived life to the fullest, literally up until the last moment. And all right, let me come back to center here. Thank you for letting me ramble. I don't know why I did that. Thank you so much. And thank you so much for the super stickers. I wanna thank Tracy for the super sticker. I wanna thank Ziba, Zibi, Zibi for the super sticker. Oh, Doug, thanks so much for the super sticker. I really appreciate that. Everyone, thank you for allowing me to share that with you all. In his name though, I wanna invite you all, don't let anyone fuck with your chi. Read my book, thank you. All right, let's see what other questions we have before we wrap up today. Leanna says, breaks my heart whenever you get choked up about Connor. Thank you so much. Sin says, I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you so much. I appreciate that. Lillian says, question. Please explain the difference between allowing him to open up versus being his therapist. Okay, great. Great question. So here's the thing. Anybody who's sharing their problems, by the way, women are amazing creatures. I mean, you're so beautifully nurturing. And at the same time, you can be ridiculously enabling. I repeat that, you're beautiful creatures. You can be nurturing and enabling at the same time. There's a big difference between someone expressing fears and expressing problems, okay? A lot of men might vomit their problems. They might complain about their ex-spouse. They might complain about their job. They might complain about a coworker. People who complain are just venting. And that when someone's venting, oftentimes they just want you to hold space and listen, but even then, most of the time, they just want you to validate their dysfunction. When a person is really sincere, like when I was dating my significant relationship and I was experiencing some shame around the fact that I lost my quarter million dollar year job and I was being very vulnerable, authentic, and transparent. I'm gonna repeat that, vulnerable, authentic, and transparent. I was sharing something very shameful for me, from me. She just held space. She just held space. And at the end, she just gave me a hug and said, you're loved. Here's the thing. When someone's vomiting their problems or complaints, they're expecting you to validate them. When someone's actually expressing a fear and insecurity, like, and I'll be candid with you. In the dating realm, for me today, I oftentimes talk about my son. I become very vulnerable, authentic, and transparent. And all I'm seeking for a person is not to say anything, just to hold space. Just like ladies, when you want to vent something, you're not asking the guy to fix it. You just want him to hold space. It's the same for men. You don't have to do anything. Just hold the space. Is that sinking in? I hope so. Lillian, thank you so much for that question. Oh, Tim, thank you so much. Your son gave you a gift. He gave a gift to all of us. My son gave us all a gift. I am the portal for Connor right now to spread his love to all of you. So thank you so much. Tracy, Connor sounds like a wonderful young man. Inspiration, believe me. He was also a fucking pain in the ass at the same time. Boy, if I thought I was a picky eater, he was the pickiest eater on the planet. Oh my God, it was so hard to pick a restaurant for him. But anyway, and I say that with love, by the way. Lisa says, your videos always keep me in line during the dating process. Exactly. Stop listening to the narratives and start shifting. That's my invitation for everyone. All right, let's go. Oh, here we go. Chloe says, question. What does men think about us when we are the one reaching out to him? Okay, yeah. Great question. Here's, when I talk about reaching out ladies, I'm not talking you make five phone calls to every one of his phone calls or you make five text messages to every one of his text messages. That is not what I mean. I don't mean four to his one. I don't mean three to his one. I don't mean two to his one. Here's the thing. If he made effort, you make effort. If you make effort, he should make effort. If he makes effort, you should make effort. If you make effort, he should make effort. And I use the word should, mutual investment into each other. It becomes chasing when he makes effort and then you make effort after, effort after, effort after, effort after. That's chasing, and that's what I mean by, I'm spitting, that's what I mean by making effort. So when he makes effort, you make effort. When you make effort, he makes effort. Is that, it's just that simple. It's that simple. Men appreciate women who make effort. In fact, it actually takes the pressure off of us. Now, if we're not that, if, listen, for guys who just wanna get laid, they're in and out quickly. But umpum. Yeah, guys who just wanna get laid, literally are in and out quickly because they prematurely ejaculate. And I'm just kidding, because most men in their 50s and 60s have a hard time ejaculating. It becomes incredibly harder as we age. There are the exceptions, but most guys have a harder time with that, harder. Anyway, but men who are in it for the short run, they're not looking for a woman to make effort. They make quick effort and they're out. Men who are dysfunctional might feel needy based on your effort. You don't want that guy either. Men who are control freaks hate it when you make effort because then they feel obligated to make effort. Men hate women who make effort who are controlling because that makes them obligated and then they usually start doing the narcissist gaslighting around you. But we don't wanna go into that anyway. Mutual effort. You make effort, he makes effort. He makes effort, you make effort. That's my invitation for you all. Is that sinking in? All right, let's go swimming. Michelle says, Doug's a great guy. Ladies, great men are following my channel. I love reading that. All right, let's see. If you have a question, post the word question, then write the question out. Oh, Kaz meant say, oops, I meant to ask, should I be patient with him? I love him a lot. He shows his love with his actions. Okay, so those are familiar with the five love languages, the five love languages. If you're not, Google it, buy the book, do the test online. The five love languages are words of affirmation or for us, Leo's words of adoration, physical touch, quality time, acts of service and gifts. If a man is acts of service, that's how he shows love and that's how he typically appreciates love. Most women can be gifts or service, but women typically also want the words because sadly, women tend to need more validation in the relationship than men. I'm gonna repeat that. Women tend to need more validation than men. And a lot of men don't give validation to you in the relationship. Now, genuinely men who are actually in love with their partners tend to be pretty good at it. They might give a ratio of like, for every three times you're giving love, he does two or for every four times he does three or for every five times he does three. So it might be a little lopsided, might feel that way. Here's the thing, if he's giving you love, you're five to three and I don't want it to be too lopsided, appreciate his efforts. If he's genuinely vulnerable, authentic, transparent with you, if he's genuinely making repetitive effort in the relationship, then just be grateful. He might not always say in the words, but the fact that he's showing up consistently is a good indication. Now, depending on how fucked up his life is, that's a whole nother category, but we aren't gonna go there today. And folks, most human beings' lives are rather fucked up. So we have to do a lot more question answering than doing the stupid games like taught in the book, The Rules. Don't ever read the book, The Rules, because that teaches you manipulative way of short-term attraction and not the real long-term attraction that I talk about. So thank you so much, I appreciate that. Okay, Sunshine says, okay, I just bought your book, Eight Dates and Another One. Well, my book, Eight Dates and Another One, great. All right, we're gonna take one or two more questions or I'm gonna save the last two minutes or few minutes. If you have a personal question for me, please, feel free to ask me a personal question before I wrap up. All right, here's a good one. How do you prevent overgiving from the start? Folks, if he makes effort, you make effort. If you make effort, he makes effort. If he makes effort, you make effort. Overgiving is he made effort and you keep making effort, keep making effort, keep making effort. You may have to keep a scorecard if you feel like you overgive. I don't know. I'm not suggesting that, I don't feel like that's healthy, but the bottom line is this, you've gotta pay attention. By the way, the dance of a relationship should be a mutual dance of getting to know one another. It shouldn't, the right relationship, there's the thing, the right relationships, you don't need to follow my channel when you're in the right relationship. You really don't. So don't worry about the overgiving. Just recognize when it's lopsided, pull back and see where you're at. Okay, great question. Personal question, Jonathan, what are your top three non-negotiables from Sadie? What are my top three non-negotiables? I definitely don't want a smoker. I definitely don't want a smoker. What else? I don't want a complainer. I definitely don't want a complainer. It's interesting, or let me reframe that. I've witnessed some women who have habitual problems. I mean, it's like one problem after another, after another, I just can't stand. I mean, I think some people are addicted to drama and I'm not attracted to that. That's number two. What's my third non-negotiable? Oh, a lack of an open mind. You know, here's the thing. I often ask political, religious, and current event questions to determine how open-minded a person is. They don't have to share my political, religious, or social views, but I ask them questions. If they are rigid in their ideology, that's a deal breaker for me. I'm a moderate. I'm basically a person that sees both sides of the coin. It's kind of a occupational hazard. So I recognize guys are fucked up, women are fucked up, human beings are fucked up. So if the ideology is rigid, that's a non-negotiable for me. I just have to be with someone open-minded and I will tell you, at least here in the United States, half of the population is closed. Let me reframe that. Half of the population thinks one way, half of the population thinks the other way. That tells me that 100% of the population is almost ridiculously closed-minded. Not, I'm exaggerating here. It's just, I'm saying that tongue in cheek, but that's how it feels. So thank you for that question. Michelle says, Jonathan looking smart, thank you. Okay, this is a good question. I just found out this great guy has been living with his ex-wife, okay? So what are you gonna do about it? Why are you asking me? What are you gonna do about it? That's the question I have of you. Okay. Trenton said, or Jonathan, great answers. Thank you so much. Jennifer says, yes, discuss politics and religion immediately. Folks, this gives you insight into a person's personality. They don't have to follow your ideology, but I will tell you, closed-minded people are the worst people to date. It's okay to be friends with some of them, but I don't wanna be in relationship with someone with closed mind. Listen, if a person's ideology is rigid on one side or the other, then they can't see the gray. And quite frankly, life is in the gray. It's not in the extremes. When you live in the extremes, you live a very toxic life in my opinion. And that's just not where I wanna be. So I'm a big proponent of discussing this stuff. All right, let's see. Ram says, question, hello, Jonathan. Would you advise reaching out to a guy who's shut down to focus on getting his life back on track but claims wants to keep you in his life after three months of no contact? Here's the thing, great question. If someone has finally had their emotional awakening in life, it could be years before they're actually emotionally healthy. It could be years. So, and here's the thing, three months is a good start. So you have to decide what's okay and what's not okay for you. You have to decide your standard and then you have to decide your boundary. And again, coming back to ladies, I said this in a previous live stream. If a guy comes back after a prolonged period of no contact before the penis ever goes inside the vagina, you both have to read this book. You both have to read this book before that penis ever gets to go back there. You do the work in this book, okay? It's your only chance of having a chance in this. And this might take you eight weeks to do eight dates. It's eight separate conversations because most guys that want you back they wanna get you back in the bedroom. If you really wanna vet this guy then make him jump through some hoops. That's my invitation for you anyway. All right, you know what? That'd be a great place to wrap up today. I wanna come back to the way men always respect and understand of women when you do this. And that is mutual effort, speak up. And lastly, no pressure by establishing your standards and your boundaries. And by speaking up, you take the pressure off it by speaking up and taking the mutual effort you're taking the pressure off of him and actually hopefully focusing on the relationship. I wanna thank everyone for allowed me to step into your life today. I really appreciate it. Post a question below. Please share this with your friends. If you wanna work with me as a coach check out the link to a free discovery call pass this video on. I hope I provided value for it to you today. Thank you all for those super stickers and super jacks. I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do first off give myself a big gigantic Jonathan bear hug of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear or pillow and give inner them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye bye now. Bye bye.