 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the sixth first annual Ink Nobel Prize ceremony. Inflicted upon you, the annals of improbable research, better known as AIR, and by the Harvard Computer Society, better known as the Harvard Computer Society, the Harvard Radcliffe Science Fiction Association, better known as HRSFA, and Tangents, the Harvard Radcliffe Mathematical Bulletin, which wishes to be better known. We are gathered here tonight at Sanders Theater at Harvard University. And we begin with the entrance of the Nobel laureates and other dignitaries. We begin with the entrance of the Nobel laureates and the other dignitaries. We would like to begin with the entrance of the Nobel laureates and the other dignitaries. We begin with the entrance of the Nobel laureates. Are they coming at all? Get eventually to the entrance of the Nobel laureates and the other dignitaries. But first, it is time for the delegations to enter. And as I introduce, thank you. OK. As I introduce each delegation, please greet them with the respect that they deserve. And now, the grand entrance parade of the marching delegations, led by the exalted grand high pen gendrons of delegations, Margaret Ann Gray, Dee Dow Chase, and Ed Jacobson. Delegation number one, the Harvard Radcliffe Science Fiction Association. The delegation is, I have something to say about them here. And I have it right here. They are dressed this year as the Wild Life of Cambridge. That's W-Y-L-D-E. They are doing an authentic recreation of ancient ritualistic war regalia Harvard professors used to don before raids on Yale. Delegation number two, the non-extremists for moderate change from Finland. Finland is a delightful country located roughly 60 degrees latitude by 26 degrees longitude. You'll notice, by the way, that the non-extremists are wearing neutral colors. Delegation number three, the wearing school marching mathematics and chowder society. Delegation number four, tangents dedicated to the wacky, fun-loving side of trigonometry that we just don't get to see often enough. Delegation number five, Boston Mensa. And I've been asked to announce that in an effort to be more politically correct, its organization is changing its name to Personsa. Delegation number six, the junior scientists. Now look at their shiny little scientific faces, aren't they cute, ladies and gentlemen? Delegation number seven, the society for the preservation of slide rules. Delegation number eight, the parents of the junior scientists. Couldn't make it. Delegation number nine, the editors and former groupies of the annals of improbable research. Delegation number 10, Dilberts in disguise. Delegation number 11, the Museum of Science. Delegation number 12, CS50. Delegation number 13, the Museum of Bad Art. Delegation number 14, bearded men of both sexes. Delegation number 15, the Harvard Computer Society. There they are. It's just a virtual projection of them, actually. Delegation number 16, re-engineered process owners for jargon as a secondary communication unit. Delegation number 17, lawyers for and against biodiversity. Delegation number 18, Newhart and Daryl, Daryl and Daryl, who I was just told could not be with us this evening. Aw, working on that 12th Newhart comeback. Delegation number 19, the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Martian Life Forms. And finally, delegation number 20, the Black Jokers. And as they all make their way to their seats, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, vertebrates and invertebrates, trees and shrubs, fruits and vegetables, amoebas, yeasts, and slime molds. May I introduce our master of ceremonies, the editor of the Annals of Improbable Research, the chief airhead himself, Mark Abrams. Before anything else happens, may I introduce the people who were supposed to have made it on stage about 20 minutes ago, but they're too important. So we save them till the end. Our dignitaries, the Nobel laureates, this year's winners, and a few other assorted robes. Well, welcome to the sixth first annual Ig Nobel Prize ceremony. The ceremony, as you know, is inflicted on you by the Annals of Improbable Research, the Harvard Computer Society, the Harvard Radcliffe Science Fiction Association, and Tangents. We're gathered here tonight to honor people whose achievements cannot or should not be reproduced. Tonight, 10 prizes will be given. The achievements speak for themselves, all too eloquently. Please direct your attention to the ceiling. To honor tonight's winners, we have refurbished the giant Sanders Theater Van de Graaf generator. We will have the privilege tonight of seeing it in use for the first time in 40 years. Now we begin with the introduction of our dignitaries. First, our Nobel laureates, a 1976 Nobel Laureate in Chemistry from Harvard University, William Lipscomb, a 1986 Nobel Laureate in Chemistry from Harvard University, Dudley Hirschbach, a 1979 Nobel Laureate in Physics from Harvard University, Sheldon Glashow. Professor Glashow telephoned us 20 minutes ago to say that he was indisposed. We noticed some of his friends are attending in the balcony and have that nice sign referring to Olestra. We'd also like to introduce a 1993 Nobel Laureate in Physiology or Medicine from New England, Biolabs, Richard Roberts. Now he had planned to join us, but for some reason instead chose to attend his daughter's wedding in California. Happily, happily, happily we have a plaster cast of his left foot, in which you will have the pleasure of seeing a bit later. We also have with us after a fashion a 1990 Nobel Laureate in Physics, Jerome Friedman, who for the sixth straight year was not able to join us at the last moment. However, he does appear now via the magic of audio tape and slides. The results that are being recognized here are truly awesome. Are enjoying this occasion as much as I am. Thank you, Professor Friedman. Let us meet some of our other authority figures. Our major domo, Gary Dreyfus. Our minor domo, James Mahoney. Our performing chemists, Yoast Bonson, Isabel Rosenberg, and Daniel Rosenberg. A ignoble referee, Mr. John Barrett. We will hear Mr. Barrett express much these same sentiments again later. Those worried about sex and violence, here is our V-Chip Monitor. Attorney William J. Maloney. The V-Chip Monitor will attempt to block anything offensive from reaching your eyes, ears, or fingertips. On with the introductions, our distinguished jazz harpist, Deborah Henson Conant, our distinguishable ignoble pianist, Greg Neal. A convicted felon from Harvard, and a member of the air editorial board, the man whose worm program shut down the entire internet, Mr. Robert Morris. It is Mr. Morris who is handling all of the technical arrangements for tonight's live telecast over the internet. There are other important people up here, and you'll meet them a bit later. Tonight's ceremony will be broadcast on National Public Radio's Talk of the Nation Science Friday with Ira Fletto. That will be on the day after Thanksgiving, American Thanksgiving, not Canadian. And this year's ceremony will also be telecast someday soon on C-SPAN. And after covering Congress, apparently C-SPAN needs something dignified to put on the air. No doubt you want to know what will happen tonight. And so here to give the forecast for tonight's ceremony is Channel 4 WBZ TV weatherman, Bruce Schweggler. That's cold weather tonight, but not inside here. For those of you with a sense of place, we are inside a building, so we don't have to worry about the weather in here. It's a perfectly regulated temperature of 70 degrees, except over there in the balcony. That's the Radcliffe side. It's frigid 22 over on that side. Breeze coming down from this side, I figure there must have been a faulty batch of beano the other day, and there's a little breeze coming in from that mesonene over there. Now, I'm here to give you a forecast, and wait a minute. Could you calm things down over there? Calm things down a little bit here. Here's my forecast. There's a 20% chance of precipitation in here tonight. 90%. I'm talking it's going to rain cats and dogs. Well, better yet, I think it's going to rain tongues and cheeks. So we're going to proceed with the proceedings. And to leave you with a little weather proper, red sky at night. How about Nobel laureates delight? Red sky in the morning, Nobel laureate take warning. And now, back to you, Jackie Liz, and let's get this thing underway. Thank you. Thank you. And now, please give your attention to the Reverend Chandler Newton. Will you join with me now, please? In a moment of science. Tonight's entertainment report here is Sarah Edwards. This year, the Ig Nobel ceremony is a global affair. They're televising the ceremony over the internet to more than 100 countries. So I thought we'd join in the excitement and watch the action live over the internet. We'd like to thank Bill Gates for donating our spiffy new sound system, too. Ladies and gentlemen, please rise for the king and queen. Their majesties, the Swedish meatball king and queen. Your majesties may be seated. Your majesties may be seated. No, no, no, not you. Just you may have difficulty getting seated. Now you may be seated. And now, Harriet Provine will deliver the traditional Ig Nobel welcome, welcome speech. Our attention, please, for a musical interlude. Ladies and gentlemen, the third attempt to premiere the symbolic duet in F major with psychological undertones by Ted Kaczynski, performed by Dudley Hirschbach and Deborah Henson Conant. Does anyone in the audience have any symbols on you? Well, while they're looking for the symbols, we have two pair here. The editors of the Annals of Improbable Research have chosen a theme for this year's ceremony. That theme is biodiversity. We begin with some brief tributes to biodiversity first. First, here is the spokesperson for the Committee for Bacterial Rights, Kate Eppers. Good evening. We live in a diverse society. Our biggest ethnic groups are not the Asians, the Africans, or the Caucasians. Our biggest ethnic groups are the bacterias. Excuse me, Kate, there's a linguistic peculiarity here. The plural is not bacteria's oz. I speak in the vernacular. See, I used to wash my hands every day, my mom made me. But then I learned about ethnic cleansing. Every time you wash your hands, you wipe out billions and billions of bacteria, ah! That's not fair. Bacteria have rights, too. So let's be grown-ups about this. When your mom asks you to wash your hands, just say no. Thank you. The next three very brief tributes to biodiversity will be given by past IGNOBEL prize winners. First, please welcome back Dr. Robert Lopez. In 1994, Dr. Lopez won an IGNOBEL prize for the series of experiments in which he extracted ear mites from his cat and placed them into his own ear and then carefully recorded the results. Dr. Lopez, I like bugs. Bugs are a treat. They just can't be beat. A food-loan cat, food-loan fat keeps you thin as a cat. Be that baked or roast, and we've got some coming up here, they're more delicious than most. Why a cricket salad is sweeter than a ballad. Now here they come, here come some bugs. I want you to eat them now. We're going to have a bug bash. What can be so rash because bugs are low in fat? Here they are, they're in cookies. They slim you where you sat. Please pass them around. Bugs are high in vitamin B, really take one. So healthy you'll ever be. So don't turn up your noses, just think of chocolate. They're good, pop one down your mouth. They're delicious. Here are the chocolate crickets, they are delicious. Have a couple. Pass them around, they are great. You're eating insects in all your world. We would like to thank Harvard Food Services for their advice and assistance in preparing tonight's meal. Another of our returning Ignobel prize winners has gone a wandering. Is John Martinez in the house? Mr. Martinez apparently is trapped at or near the airport. If you're here, come up please. Mr. Martinez won an Ignobel prize last year in the field of nutrition for his involvement with Luak coffee, which is made from coffee beans ingested and excreted by the Luak, a bobcat-like animal native to Indonesia. We do have some coffee that Mr. Martinez sent us. We have that prepared? Oh, that's still down in the dining hall. It'll be up a bit later. Well, let us welcome back then. Better to arrive a moment late, but brewed perfectly. Gentlemen, to your health. Take a good look at them while you can. We'd now like to welcome back another returning Ignobel prize winner. Professor Hirschback assures us it is good to the last drop. Now, please welcome back another prize winner, Jim Knowlton. In 1992, Mr. Knowlton won an Ignobel prize for his classic anatomy poster, Penises of the Animal Kingdom. Mr. Knowlton shared his prize with the National Endowment for the Arts, which encouraged him to extend his work in the form of a pop-up book. Mr. Knowlton. Thank you very much. My research has revealed a surprising diversity in the members of the Animal Kingdom. Some of the members are large, others are less so. Thank you. Well, while I'm here at Harvard, I'd like to put in a plug for one of my favorite books, Stephen Jay Gold's The Mismeasure of Man. A Final Tribute to Biodiversity. Here's one of the authors of the landmark study, The Taxonomy of Barney. May I present from the Academy of Natural Sciences in Philadelphia, Earl Spommer. Into Harvard. Okay, Barney, the television dinosaur, is both loved and despised by American families. His agents purport him to be a dinosaur. And unsuspecting children are led to believe that dinosaurs sing, dance, and say sickeningly sweet things. Unindicted co-researchers and I became alarmed over this unscientific portrayal of dinosaurs. Our studies led us to the remarkable discovery that Barney is not a dinosaur. But a hominid like humans. Here is our evidence. Next slide, please. Barney appeared at a local shopping mall where we set up x-ray machines and left them on. This x-ray shows that the Barney skeleton is not like a reptile skeleton, but is remarkably human-like. Next slide. Computers are used to defy evolutionary trees for different groups of organisms. These trees, called cladograms, are produced by comparing the number and appearance of the characteristics, same characteristics on different animals. In keeping with scientific practice, we selected and discarded characters until we achieved the results we expected. We compared Barney to other dinosaurs, birds, whales, humans, and live and dead salmon. We looked at the differences in skin type, skeleton, blood temperature, and other things you might not understand. Next slide. The object is to produce the tree with the least number of segments in the branches. This tree compares Barney to dinosaurs, and it has 32 segments. Next slide. We were surprised to discover that when we compared Barney to dead salmon, the tree had 31 segments, one less than the tree comparing him to dinosaurs. Barney is more akin to a dead salmon than he is a dinosaur. This is because Barney and dead salmon both have purple fuzz for their dermal covering, and both have unique oral displays. Next slide. Barney's smooth oral display is not made up of teeth. The teeth are hidden from view in the human-like skeleton within. The oral display may be a territorial display mechanism. On the next slide, we see that territorial displays are commonplace in humans, as illustrated in this picture of the Kaiser. The last slide corroborates our findings. The tree that compares Barney with humans contains just 29 segments. Barney is not a dinosaur, and our children have been duped by clever marketing agents into believing unscientific gibberish. Thank you. The preceding scientific report was not peer reviewed, nor do we in any way vouch for its authenticity. Mr. Sparmer will be returning later with something which is completely genuine. Now, the world premiere and final performance of a new mini operetta for Nobel laureates and mezzo-sopranos is called Lament Del Cockroach, and stars Margot McLaughlin and scientist supermodel Symmetra as cockroaches and the Nobel laureates as insects. The other voices you hear will be plants, singing plants. Those of you listening on the radio can read the words on our website. There are three acts, one now, two later. Here is our narrator, Lisa Mullins. Our opera takes place in the future. Various environmental disasters have caused most species to disappear. Now, something mysterious has appeared in the sky. Look, up there in the balcony, and you'll see it. The object is headed toward the earth, and it's threatening everyone with extinction. All the insects are desperate to mate with the one species that they think could survive anything, the cockroaches. It's a desperate time for everyone, cockroach and common are alike. But there are only two cockroaches left, both females, Thelma Laroche and her friend Louise. As act one begins, the insect laureates are ogling Thelma, but Thelma believes that mating should be only for love. Her heart is not stirred by these loathsome insects. Join us now as Thelma yearns for a tall, dark, handsome cockroach. 96 Ig Nobel prizes. We're giving out 10 prizes. Tonight, the winners come from six countries or territories, Japan, Norway, Great Britain, England, Greenland and the United States. This year's winners have truly earned their prizes. Lisa, tell them what they've won. This year's winners get a brand new supermarket bag, their choice of paper or plastic. Inside is a treasure trove of goodies. An Ig Nobel prize, a plastic travel mug, an autographed picture of Bill Gates, a week's supply of Pepto-Bismo and a matching set of finger and toenail clippers. This is the coveted Ig Nobel prize. And now our winners. First, the biology prize. 1996 Ig Nobel biology prize goes to Anders Berheim and Hogni Sandvik of the University of Bergen, Norway for their tasty and tasteful report, the effect of ale, garlic and sour cream on the appetite of leeches. The winners were unable to travel to Cambridge but they are watching us tonight live on the internet from Norway and they have sent us a videotaped acceptance speech. Members of the Ig Nobel committee, fellow laureates, colleagues, friends. We accept this prize with profound gratitude. We accept it as a tribute to our partners, the leeches, who showed remarkable enthusiasm during our experiments. Lab animals sell number six credit for their scientific achievements. The leeches' reaction to this honor was predictable. They celebrated it. Since the leeches are in no fit state to accept this award today, we have to rely on understanding. As is not the leech, we are confidently willing to behave with proper dignity. We again, thank you very much. We are honored to have with us here tonight to congratulate our winners the honorary consul of Norway to Massachusetts, Mr. Terry Korsnes. Thank you, thank you, thank you. My countrymen, Berheim and Sandvik couldn't make it. I don't know if they made it to Iceland or if they didn't leave at all, but they didn't arrive. Clearly, this kind of breakthrough research should be recognized, and it now is. And I'm sure this is the kind of recognition that the scientific community in Bergen has been waiting for. But I do fear that this topic is not taken seriously here in Cambridge. And perhaps in this audience with many bright minds, there is someone who likes to leech on to this topic for further research. And to facilitate that, I have brought these to distribute among you so that you can start your project. They have not been fed at all since this morning, so you can establish some kind of a benchmark right away. So if there is someone who really wants them, we can... Once again, we would like to thank Harvard Food Services for their assistance in preparing the ale, garlic and sourd cream for our little visitors. We now present the first Heisenberg Certainty lecture. These lectures are named after the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle developed by Nobel Laureate Werner Heisenberg. The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle states that while you can determine either the location or the momentum of an elementary particle with great precision, you cannot know both at the same time. Here are the rules. Each Heisenberg Certainty lecture can speak on a topic of his or her own choosing. Each talk is strictly limited to... The time limit will be strictly enforced by our referee, Mr. John Barrett. Mr. Barrett, would you like to repeat your advice for our lecturers? Gentlemen. And now the first lecture. Will the undergraduates bar the doors? Heisenberg Certainty lecture number one will be given by Nobel Laureate William Lipscomb. Gribbleland to position and momentum are spin about an axis and the angle of that axis. Now, to the candidates in the forthcoming election. If your speech has too much spin, you cannot cover all the angles. This Heisenberg Certainty Principle is analogous to my dedication to Congress. If your position is everywhere, your momentum is zero. I will sadly regret that our delegation of junior scientists is up past its bedtime. We now give the members permission to go home and do your homework. His Majesty, the Swedish Meatball King, wishes me to convey our thanks to you for coming and helping us tonight. A hand for the junior scientists, please. While they're departing, let's move on to the medicine prize. The Ignobel Medicine Prize for 1996 goes to James Johnston of RJ Reynolds, Joseph Taddeo of US Tobacco, Andrew Tish of Laurelard, William Campbell of Philip Morris, and the late Thomas E. Sandefur Jr. of Brown and Williamson Tobacco Company for their unshakable discovery as testified to the US Congress that nicotine is not addictive. The winners could not or would not be with us tonight. Regardless, they will be congratulated via audio tape by Nobel Laureate Walter Gilbert. Tree in 1980, on your prize-winning work, I'm sure that you find this reward is richly deserved. Thank you, Professor Gilbert. Just a word before the next prize. As those of you who read the journal Nature Know, the science advisor to the British Prime Minister has asked that no more Ignobel prize is be presented to scientists. Nevertheless, the physics prize. The 1996 Ignobel Prize in physics goes to Robert Matthews of Aston University in England for his studies of Murphy's Law, and especially for demonstrating that toast always falls on the buttered side. Now, the winner could not be with us tonight, but he prepared a special acceptance speech which he mailed to us and which is at this moment speeding its way to us through the Cambridge Postal System Murphy's Law. So we shall move on to, has that courier arrived yet? No. Will the graduate students bar the doors? Heisenberg certainty lecture number two will be given by the inventor of the plastic pink flamingo, Don Featherstone. We're going to talk to you about the durability of plastic lawn ornaments. They're probably going to be around for many, many a century. They're made of polyethylene. They don't disintegrate. And I'm sure archaeologists someday are going to find all of these things out and people's burned out, decaying sellers and wonder, what did they have them for? Because they really don't have any value like gold or diamonds, so they won't be pilfered by the crooks of the previous centuries. And they're going to just be there. So let's keep the archaeologists guessing and get out and buy as many of these lawn ornaments as you can, as much as your neighbors will allow. 1996 Ig Nobel Peace Prize is awarded to Jacques Chirac, president of France for commemorating the 50th anniversary of Hiroshima with atomic bomb tests in the Pacific. The winner could not or would not be with us tonight. However, we do have here to congratulate him via audio tape, Nobel laureate, Ellie Wiesel. Once again, we'd like to thank Bill Gates for our sound system. The public health prize winner of this prize has very graciously traveled all the way from Norway at his own expense to come and accept this prize. The 1996 Ig Nobel Prize in the field of public health goes to Ellen Kleist of Nuck Greenland and Harold Moy of Oslo, Norway for their cautionary medical report, transmission of gonorrhea through an inflatable doll. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm honored and delighted to accept the famous Ig Nobel Prize. I guess, however, I should not be too honored because this kind of research may easily be punctured. The biggest problem in this case was how to perform the mandatory partner notification and treatment. No reference in the literature on pharmacokinetics or antibiotics in inflatable dolls could be found. So what else could be done than just to give a shot and puncture? Thank you. We have a demonstration. We would like to remind you that when you date an inflatable doll, you're dating everyone who ever dated that inflatable doll. We'd also like to announce that Dr. Moy will be giving a special lecture on his topic tomorrow afternoon at 3.15 at the Channing Laboratory of Harvard Medical School. We invite you all to attend Heisenberg's certainty lectures. Will the postdocs bar the doors? Heisenberg's certainty lecture number three will be given by internet celebrity and convicted felon Robert T. Morris. Thanks a lot, Mark. Before I launch into my lecture, I have a proposal concerning the security of our national information infrastructure. Recently, the administration suggested that we all entrust the government with the secret keys that would allow the FBI to read all encrypted or scrambled messages. Many people objected and not just criminals. I think, instead, that some ordinary citizen, not upon of the government, should hold such keys. Now, let me tell you who I propose that person should be. The Chemistry Prize, 96 Ig Nobel Chemistry Prize, is awarded to George Goble of Purdue University for his blistering world record time for igniting a barbecue grill. Three seconds using charcoal and liquid oxygen. Here to accept, on behalf of Professor Goble, is his colleague, Joe Sykos. Roll tape, please. Well, it's hard to believe all that work started back with a hairdryer and a lot of hungry people who wanted to eat really quick. And on behalf of George, I'd like to thank the Board of Governors. Have a demonstration. Oh, look at the time. While we're running a little short on fire insurance, we'll try this particular demonstration another time. And now it's time for the Win-A-Date with a Nobel Laureate contest. Dudley Hirschbach, Nobel Studmuffin, is a 1986 winner of the Nobel Prize in Chemistry. Dudley is a connoisseur of fine wine and cheap cigars. He loves Chinese lunch trucks, synchronized swimming, and the poetry of John Keats. His wife respectfully requests that you have him in by 10.30. Please give a Win-A-Date welcome to Dudley Hirschbach. Professor Hirschbach just requested that we disqualify all inflatable dolls from winning this contest. Now, let's see which lucky audience member will win a date with this Nobel Laureate. When you enter the hall, you are given an attractive printed program. Please turn to page 12. One program has a special picture of Gregor Mendel eating a bowl of mashed peas. If you have that program, you've won a date with a Nobel Laureate. Come up and claim your prize. Please give your attention to Sister Christine McGurk. Please join me of science. This year's Ig Nobel Prize in Biodiversity is given to Chonosuki Okamura of the Okamura Fossil Laboratory in Nagoya, Japan for discovering the fossils of dinosaurs, horses, dragons, princesses, and more than 1,000 other extinct mini-species, each of which is less than 1,100th of an inch. We are privileged to have with us someone who is familiar with the many published works of our winner and who will explain them to us. Again, from the Academy of Natural Sciences in Philadelphia, please welcome Earl Spommer. The halls of science are emblazoned with the portraits of genius. Some men remain too long in these dark reaches, but true giants of science are pursued. This is Chonosuki Okamura. He lives in Nagoya, Japan, where for decades he has been cutting open rocks and examining them under microscopes. The next slide shows one of Okamura's many books, where he has published his sensational findings. He has done no less than portray serious flaws in the conventional theories of evolution. Next slide. According to Okamura, man and civilization were spontaneously created in Japan 400 million years ago. We are not descendants of apes or shrews, but a direct lineage from tiny human ancestors. The culturally refined fossil humans were just a few millimeters tall. Yes, just two or three millimeters. On the next slide, the tininess of ancient animals belied their true stature in the history of evolution. This is the miniscule ancestor of the giant Brontosaurus. It is two millimeters long. Next slide. Every modern organism, too, was revealed in Liliputian form in Okamura's microscope. The evolution of horses has now to be rewritten. These two equines were less than two millimeters long. They developed legs later in their evolution. Next slide. Dragons terrorized the tiny humans 400 million years ago. This dragon is just a few millimeters long. Had Darwin gone to Japan instead of to the Galapagos, our knowledge of evolution would be vastly different. Next slide. This is a mini-man, just two millimeters long. Okamura named it as a new subspecies, Homo sapiens mini-lorian talus. On the last slide, I want to say, on behalf of Chonosuke Okamura, I thank all the little people who made this ignoble award possible. Will the junior faculty bar the doors? Heisenberg, certainty lecture number four will be given by Betty, a distinguished chicken from the Museum of Science. Offer something not so completely different? Act two of our opera. Here is our narrator. As act two begins, the mysterious object in the sky draws closer. The insects are now desperate. They buzz around Thelma's friend Louise, each hoping that she will choose him as her mate. But Louise does not want to mate outside her species because the offspring would be barren. Join us now as Louise expresses her contempt for these decrepit droning insects. This supermodel Symmetra, P96, Ignoble Literature Prize, goes to the editors of the journal Social Text. For eagerly publishing research that they could not understand that the author said was meaningless and which claimed that reality does not exist. The winners could not or would not be with us tonight, nor would they return our phone calls. Now, a special announcement about the legal aspects of biodiversity here is prominent attorney William J. Maloney. Has your species or genus been injured in a biological catastrophe? Know your rights. Don't become extinct without compensation. For a free consultation, call us at 1-800-BIO-DEVERSITY. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, we now ask you to take out your wallets in your hearts and leave your heads behind. We have commissioned some special works of art, which will now auction off. We have commissioned scientist supermodel Symmetra to make plaster castings of the feet of the Nobel laureates, the left feet. And so now, behold, if you will, behold, if you will, the feet of the Nobel laureates. These plaster casts are one of a kind items, even though the laureates each have two feet. These particular feet belong to Nobel laureates Richard Roberts, Dudley Hirschbach, Sheldon Glashow, and William Lipscomb. Gentlemen, would you stand and take a bow if you are so able? And also, also, behold, if you will, the foot of Symmetra. Now we'd like you to understand this is a real auction, so don't bid unless you mean it. All proceeds from this auction, should anyone actually bid on these fine collectibles, will go for the benefit of the science programs at the Cambridge Public Schools. Now here is our auctioneer from Cornucopia Auction Sales, Lynn Calista. OK, hold on to your wallets, because Steve will be collecting money right after this. This is for real. I don't fool around with things like this. Those feet look great. Let's see. Who's first? Dr. Lipscomb? Let's see his tag first. Oh, there's the foot if I ever saw one. And what would you say for it? Would you say, that's reasonable. $0.10 I have. I have $0.10 on gentlemen right. We'll say $1.50, $1.50. $2.50, $2.50, and now $3. I have $5.50, I have $5.50, I have $5.50, I have $5.50. I have $5.50, I have $5.55, somewhere. Someone say $6, I say $6, we're going to go to $6. Where do you go? $6.50, $6.50, now, good shot. $6, I have $6.50, $6.50. $70, everyone say it, we're going to go $11 now. We have $11. Keep up. Who said that's $11? We're going to take $11 right up here in the balcony, wave your hand, because I can't see for anything with these lights. And Steve will collect those monies right now. That was well worth it. Okay, for all those who got the idea, these are feet of plaster, not mirror clay. So let's start with another one. And what would you say for it? Who was next? Ah, now there's a photo I ever saw one now. How about walking in his shoes and would you say $10 is on him? Would you say $10 will start? 65? A dollar 65. Nice even figure. Dollar 65 and a dollar 75. $1.75 and now $2 would you say? I want $1.75 and now $2. I have $2 and now $3, $2 and now $3. I have $3 and now $4 and 3 and a quarter. Five, okay, have your own auction. Five, I have $5 and a quarter. Five, and now $5 and a quarter. Five, I have now $5 and a quarter. Someone's saying it's gonna stop at five. Six is a nice number. Six, I have six and a, seven up there, seven and now eight. And 10 is higher than eight. 10 I have. 10 I have and now $12. 12, there's a new bidder. I like a new fire right there. $12 in the front, $12 and now $13, $12. $15 right there on the right. Well worth it. Okay, step by step we go. And next one is, Stug Muffin. Here we go. And what would you say for? Would you say $20 for that put? I had $1.65 and two I have would you go three. That's making it easy counting. 20, well hold it. I heard a 20. I heard 20 down here first. 21, someone in the back. 25. A little decorum please. 25 and now 26. 25 and now 26. I have 25 and now 26. Stroke me, stroke me, now six. 25 and now 26. 26, 32, 15. 32, 15. At least the guy that's not here. Ah, 10 cents it sounds good. It just, a quarter. Folks they're small, they're light. They carry it all, they go everywhere you wanna go. 20 I have, 20 and now 25. 20 and now 22, 50. 23, I like that. 23, 24. 25. 25 out here, 25. And now what'd you go? 26, we take this slow. Like something easy, 26, 27. 26 and now 27, 26, go between. 28. 28, 29. Save it for the next one. I have 28, 29. All right so summing up was your last chance. Have you got to hurry up because that guy where the whistle's gonna show up any minute. Scientists and that's $20 to start on, super muscle. There's the foot you wanna be in. And we're just saying $50. 265. I have 265. Man with taste, 265. But not that yours aren't very nice. To 10, 10, 65, 10, 65. 15, more like it. 15 and 20 someone, 15 now 20. 17, 50 someone, does that help? 17, 50, he's got the idea and now 20. 20, yes, 20 and now 22, 50. You have change. We like quiet, nice folding money. It's quiet. 22, 22 and now 24, 22 and now 24. Does this have any rhyme or reason? 23 someone, sounded only $23 for scientist, super muscle, Metra's foot. So, 24, right down there. Thank you all very much. And then came for school section. Really successful bidders if you haven't already paid, find one of our technical crew afterward. All of the successful bidders, we invite you to return here every year and get up on the stage and play with your feet. The economics prize. 96, Nobel Prize in Economics is awarded to Dr. Robert J. Jenko of the University of Buffalo for his discovery that financial strain is a risk indicator for destructive periodontal disease. The winner could not or would not and probably should not be with us tonight. Will the tenured faculty bar the door? Eisenberg's Ernie Lecture, number five, will be given by the creator of the stud muffins of science calendar, Dr. Karen Hopkins. It's a symbol of biodiversity and to present myself as a candidate for the presidency of the United States. They call himself green, but I can actually photosynthesize. I believe my running mate, Betty, actually discussed our platform during the previous Eisenberg lecture, so I won't repeat myself or her, but I will promise you this. I know someone who's not going to be featured in next year's stud muffins of science calendar. And now the final prize of the night, the art prize, 1996 Ig Nobel Prize in Art is awarded to Don Featherstone of Fitchburg, Massachusetts for his ornamentally evolutionary invention, the plastic Lawn Flamingo. He will be congratulated via audio tape by Nobel laureate Mel Schwartz. I miss him a lot, and I hope that you will treat it seriously. The artists have to die before anybody ever notices they've done anything good, and I'm lucky you didn't wait that long. I'm glad to be here and appreciate it. Thank you very much. Now, to top off the evening, here is the final act of our opera. Will the ushers please distribute the do-it-yourself Martian meteorite kits to the balcony audience? Those of you in the balcony, please prepare your meteorites, but do not fire them until you see the giant meteor enter the atmosphere. Now, here is our narrator. In the final brief act, the mysterious object falls from the sky. It's a meteorite from Mars, carrying bacteria that have been dead for a billion years. Alas, the cockroaches will never learn this interesting scientific fact because they are about to go extinct. All the other insects will be unharmed and they will celebrate with a new burst of song, dance, and evolution. Sit back and enjoy the thrilling conclusion to this epic tale of punctuated equilibrium. A traditional ignoble to pick up the list of winners from the ushers as they hustle you out of the building. If you have email, you can also obtain a complete winners list by sending to our automatic information address, which is info at improv.com. And if for some reason you want videotapes of this, they will be made available. You can see someone out in the lobby. On behalf of the Harvard Computer Society and on behalf of Tangents, the Harvard Radcliffe Mathematical Bulletin, and on behalf of the Harvard Radcliffe Science Fiction Society, and on behalf of the Annals of Improbable Research, thank you for helping us honor these worthy individuals. Now, ladies and gentlemen, let us honor the 1996 Ig Nobel Prize winners. Please whack your hands together and shower them with self-esteem. Final thought, if you didn't win an Ig Nobel Prize this year, and especially if you did, better luck next year.