 put them all together and they spell? Vince is the best teacher. Try a camel. Let your own experience tell you why more people are smoking camels than ever before. And draw up a chair for tonight's Camel Show starring Butt Abbot and Luke Costello. Costello, Costello, come over here. Look at you. Look at yourself. You're all covered with dust. Huh? You're all covered with dust. When did you get so dirty? I was over at your house, Abbott. I've been helping your wife do her spring cleaning. My house isn't that dirty. Oh, no. When I got through cleaning, we found four new rooms. Hey, Abbott, I nearly got no. Abbott, hey, Abbott, hey, Abbott. And I nearly got arrested, too. And I nearly got arrested. How come? I ran out on a Porsche shake, the dust mop, and a woman across the street called the cops. Why? She thought I was choking your wife. Right. Oh, talk sense. You know you ought to have a house of your own. Settle down. Find some nice girl. Why is it you don't ever seem to get along with girls, Luke? Abbott, when it comes to girls, I really got a late start in life. You see, my parents were very strict. You mean they wouldn't let you go out with the opposite sex? They wouldn't even tell me which was the opposite sex. Only this morning, my father told me never to go out with girls. Where is your father now? Out with girls. But since I'm out here in Hollywood, Abbott, I found out about girls. I've rubbed shoulders with Lana Turner. I rubbed shoulders with Eddie Lamar. And I rubbed shoulders with Patty Grabo. And what did you find out? They all wear shoulder pads. But I don't worry about girls. I'd rather have my canary. She's so smart. What do you mean so smart? What's so smart about a canary? Can you take a bath in the saucer? Clark says, how about Marilyn Maxwell? Don't you date her anymore? I called Marilyn yesterday to go night clubber with me, but she wouldn't go. Well, so what? There are other fish in the sea. Yeah, but how would I look dancing at a macamber with a mackerel? Costello, you're the dumbest man I ever met. You're a baby baboon. Well? Did you hear me? Yes, daddy. Listen to me, you nitwit. Tomorrow is Marilyn Maxwell's birthday. Now, if you want to make a big hit with her, why don't you buy her a nice present? Well, I only got a few dollars out of it. I can't buy her nothing expensive. Oh, have no fear, Costello. But I'll miss your pal. He'll help you. You know me. I'll show you how to make some money fast. We'll invest your money in the stock market. Now, you know my brother has a seat on the curb. Yes, I know. Isn't he afraid he'll catch cold sitting there with his feet tangling in the gutter? No, no, no, you don't mean. When I say he has a seat on the curb, I don't mean he sits on the curb. I mean his seat is on the curb. No matter how you look at it, Abbot, he's a loafer. Not here. He's not a loafer. He's a broker. He ain't any broker than I am. Costello, he's not broke. He's a broker. A broker is a trader. You're a brother's a trader? Certainly. He's one of the biggest traders in the country. Bigger than Benedict Arnold? Costello, Benedict Arnold was a trader. My brother is a trader. He goes into the market and sells short. He sells shorts? Oh, you mean he's an underwear trader? No, no, no, no. Now, my brother sells short in the market. He's a bear. A man that sells his stock short in the market is a bear. Any man that will sell his shorts in the market deserves to be bear. Oh, Costello, there are two kinds of traders in the market. There are bears and bulls. Now, they got bears and bulls in the market? That's right. No wonder I mean I've been getting so tough. No, no, you idiot. You idiot. I'm not talking about a meat market. I'm talking about a stock market. The traders are called bears and bulls. The bulls are short in the, I mean, the bears are short and the bulls are long. And they're always fighting each other. And that's what makes the market go up and down. They got long bulls fighting short bears, and the market is going up and down? Certainly. No wonder the joint is jumping. Hey, Evan, have you ever been mixed up with them bulls? Why? You sound like you had a couple of snorts. Ah, yeah. Dummy, I'm only trying to explain to you that my brother is a broker and he has a seat on the curb. And do you always have a seat on the curb? No, we used to have a seat on the exchange. But the bottom dropped out of his shares. The bottom dropped out of his shares? Yes. Well, if he's too cheap to get new bottoms for his shares, let him sit on a curb. No, no, no, no, no, no. He's doing all right. He made a fine investment. He just bought some guilt edge debentures. Then why don't he get up off the curb and sit on a debenture? No. Shut up and listen to me. My brother is a broker. He takes people's money and invests it. He puts it in something. What does he put it in? Well, sometimes he puts it in oil. He puts money in oil? Certainly. Oil is a solid investment. Oh, I see. He puts it in solid oil. Then I suppose you pour some vinegar on it and eat it. Now, that's a pretty picture for you. A bowl of crispy tens and 20s with mayonnaise on a side. Oh, no. Yes, Simpleton, you can't make a salad of money. Money is legal tender. No wonder it's tender. Your brother keeps digging it and dipping it in oil. He does not dip it in the oil. He invests it. Here, I'll give you an example. Suppose you want some steel stocks or copper stocks. Or you want to get into American Cannes. That did it, Abbott. This time, you've gone too far. What do you mean? Well, I didn't say nothing when you told me your brother sits on a curb in his shorts. I didn't call the FBI when you told me that he was a traitor. And I didn't squeal to the Humane Society when you said he chases long bulls and short bears around on the market. But when you have the nerve to tell me to steal stock so that a copper can throw me in the can, you have not only blackened my good name and impugned upon me, but you have cast a smog over the United Nations Conference. And that's not good. The Pense is the best teacher. Pense excitement of board a power boat and blue golf stream water thrashed to white foam. Mrs. Dorothy Allen Newstead plays a fish, but what a fish. A big, vicious fighter, tireless, gamey. It takes 35 minutes to land him. And, wow, he's a yellow-bellied Cobia, weighing in at 69 pounds to set a world's record. As Mrs. Newstead, holder of the International Women's Oil Tackle Record for Cobia, said, Experience is the best teacher in deep-sea fishing and in cigarettes, too. After all the different brands I smoked during the war shortage, I really appreciate Camel. Yes, during the wartime cigarette shortage. Experience taught millions the differences in cigarette quality. Folks smoked whatever cigarettes they could get. Compared more different brands than they'd ordinarily try in 10 years, they tested one brand against another in their T-zones. That's T for taste, T for throat. Result? Today, more people smoke camels than ever before. The rich, full flavor and the cool mildness of camels suit millions of T-zones to a T. Experience is the best teacher. Try a camel. Now to light up a camel and listen to Skinny Anna sing. Heartache, heartache, my loving you've been only heartache. Your kiss was such a sacred thing to me. I can't believe it's just a burning memory. Heartache, heartache, what does it matter? Heartache, heartache, my loving you've been only heartache. I should be happy with someone new, but my heart aches for you. What does it matter? I should be happy with someone new, but my heart aches for you. It's for a birthday. Now why don't you get her nice mink coat like Mrs. Wetwash-Wes? Now that's an Easterden mink with fur five inches long. It looks more like a Western skunk with five o'clock shadow. But you should give Marilyn something expensive. She never forgets you. All right, Abbott. Last year she gave me a lovely present. A Japanese harry-carry sword with a complete set of instructions. When you talk sense, if you invest those few dollars on the stock market, you can make enough money to buy her mink coat loose. Well, if it isn't Mr. Abbott. Oh, I see you're going back in vaudeville. Mrs. Wetwash, I am not going back in vaudeville. Then what are you doing with that train seal? It's Costello. Now just a second, Mrs. Wetwash. I don't look like a train seal. Maybe not, but I'm thankful I'm not a herring. You ain't half as thankful as the herrings are. Cut that out, Costello. Mrs. Wetwash, Costello wants to make some money quick. Now you're late. Husband made a lot of money. Could you tell us how he did it? Well, my husband was a powerful man. He was a magnet. He must have had a powerful magnet to pick up a load of scrap iron like you. Cut great Sydney Green Street. Costello need all this money. Well, it's Marilyn Maxwell's birthday, and Costello wants to buy her a mink coat. A mink coat? What do you see in Marilyn Maxwell? Why? Take away her blonde hair and her good looks, and what have you got? I don't know, but you can deliver it to my house tomorrow morning. Well, Costello, that settles it. We're going to the broker's office and invest your money. Come on. Well, here's the broker's office, Costello. Let's go and invest your money. Then you can buy Marilyn that mink coat. Adam, I think it's better if I buy one of the machines and let her whip up her own mink coat. Oh, wait a minute. What kind of a machine whips up a mink coat? Ain't you never heard of a mink's master? Never mind that. Come on, let's go in. Hi, you fellas. Well, skinny anus. What are you doing? Buying some stock? Yep. I got all my money invested in the do-dock company. They make zippers. Zippers? Sure. Ain't you never heard of zippity-doodle? I'm a stockbroker. What can I do for you? Well, my friend Costello here would like to invest in a quick-moving stock. OK. Then grab this kitchen chair and this whip and follow me. Why do I need the kitchen chair and a whip? I'm going to take you in the back room and show you some of our Wildcats stock. You can sell short and be a bear or buy long and be a bull now. What would you like? I'll take a short bear with a bull of pretzels. See what those Wildcats in the back room will have. Tell the man what stock you want. Look, mister, give me 50 shares of Walter Winschel and 40 shares of Hedda Hopper. Walter Winschel and Hedda Hopper? What kind of stock is that? American tell and tell. Ladies and gentlemen, you have just heard the last joke that Luella Parsons will ever write for this show. Costello? Costello, I'll give you a good tip. Get in on Hyal Walther Canoe. Mister, when I get in a canoe, I don't need any tip from you. I can tip myself and get a quicker turnover too. Doctor, talk to us. Buy myself. Love, Costello. Do as the man says. All right. Here, give me 10 shares of Hyal Walther Canoe stock. Attention, latest stock quotations. Hyal Walther Canoe is 51. Hyal Walther Canoe is 63. Hyal Walther Canoe is 81. Hey, Costello, did you hear that? Your stock has gone up. 26 points already. Three. I'm rich. Come on. Let's go to the first door. I'm going to buy Maryland the best mink coat in town. Well, Costello, they've certainly got plenty of fur coats in this store. Come on, we'll let's ask the lady where the mink coats are. Pardon me, Miss. Well, if it isn't Mr. Orbit and Mr. Costello, you've fought little more new. Well, Miss, what are you doing here at the Furious? Oh, I'm putting my new Silver Fuchs Coot in Sturage. Sturage? Sturage. Oh, where have you been? Sturage. Oh, Abbot, you know what Sturage is. That's where you fill the pockets of your coat with mousse balls and hang it in the klohuset. Must be joshing off. As we say in Russian, upon your vehicle your pina can push katojo. And a pan of veal scallopini and a puster you too. Costello, hey, I think this chap is a party up. Pardon me, sir. Are you the salesman? Yes. If it was found set to Fred Allen, you were expecting maybe Lauren Bagel. I want to buy a fur coat, and I don't care what it costs. What have you got for about $65? $65? Well, here's a lovely little number made from the fur of an animal called the whipsenup. What is a whipsenup? A whipsenup is an animal that lives on onions and garlic. And believe me, one whipsenup. Hey, look, Mr. Costello wants to buy a mink coat from Marilyn Maxwell. As Mr. Anthony said to young widow Brown, you have a problem. Now, here is a lovely mink coat for $3,500. That's all right. Come on, Costello, buy the coat and have it sent over to Marilyn Maxwell's house. We've got to get back to the broker's office and see how your stock is doing. Fine. I'll deliver it to Miss Maxwell. That'll be $3,500. Okay. Here's my check. And as Lady Godiva said to her horse, I'm putting everything I've got on you. Come on, Costello. The broker's office closes in 10 minutes. Hey, look, Costello. Hey, they're marking up the quotations on Hiawatha canoe stock. Hiawatha canoe 95. Quick habit. I've got to mark down my profits. Give me a pencil. Hiawatha canoe 63. Give me another pencil. Hiawatha canoe 21. Another pencil. Hiawatha canoe 9.5. Pencil. Hiawatha canoe white stout. Pencil. From Metro Golden Mayor, producers of It Happened in Brooklyn. And here's Marilyn to sing for camel fans everywhere. For sentimental reasons. For sentimental reasons. I hope you do. I'll give you my heart and say we'll never part. Any other cigarette? Yes, three leading independent research organizations asked this question of 113,597 doctors. What cigarette do you smoke, doctor? The brand named most was camel. And this preference is not confined to doctors. Today, more and more people are finding that camels suit their T-zones to a T. Try a camel on your T-zone. That's T for taste and T for throat. See if camel's rich, full-bodied flavor of choice tobaccos doesn't charm your taste. If camel's cool mildness doesn't agree with your throat. Yes, try a camel now. Well, Castelli, you did it again. You lost all your money in the stock market. You're penniless. You're poverty-stricken. Why, when you walk down the street everybody will say there goes that tramp Castella. Abbott, some people will say there goes that tramp Castella, but my friends won't say that. No, well, what will your friends say? There goes Mr. Castello. The tramp? Yeah. You know nothing about handling money. Abbott, when it comes to handling money, nobody can hold a candle to me. Why not? It burns. Castella, this is ridiculous. Look, hey, here comes Marilyn Maxwell. And she's wearing the coat. Remember, you've got to get it away from her some way and return to the store. You'll go to jail. Oh, there you are, Lewis, my darling. How can I ever thank you for this beautiful mink coat? It's the nicest present I ever got. Marilyn, it ain't good enough for you. I'm going to take it back and get something better. Lewis, what could be better than mink? Box of candy. Castella, if you don't get that coat, you'll get 10 years in jail. Lewis, honey, I know it's your birthday next month, so what do you want me to bring you? A cake with a file in it. Oh, Lewis, you're so romantic. You're such a gorgeous knife. Just look at that lovely moon and those bright stars. Yeah, a guy is nuts not to be out catching eels on a night like this. Well, thanks for the coat, Lewis. I'm going home now. Goodbye. Goodbye. Now you've done it, you idiot. You've got to return that coat. You have to break into her house and steal it. Abbott, my uncle broke into a girl's house and stole back a diamond ring he gave her. Which uncle was that? Uncle 914758. Yes, but the trick is to break in without getting caught. Now here's what we'll do. Marilyn Maxwell is crazy about Von Monroe singing. You call her on the phone. Make believe you're Von Monroe and invite her here to the studio. And while she's out of the house, you break in and steal a coat. Abbott, Marilyn likes Hal Joseph singing, too. Why don't we let Larry Parks call up? Let him get the coat. Now get on the phone, you idiot, and try to sound like Von Monroe. Okay. Oh, I'll sound like Von Monroe. Why don't I tighten the muscles on my tonsils? Hello? Racing with the moon. Racing with the moon. It's Vaughn. Vaughn? Now listen. Racing with the moon. Oh, it's Von Monroe. In Poison. Oh, Mr. Monroe, it's so nice of you to call. Marilyn, I'm down here at the studio. How would you like to come down and sing a duet with me on my program? Oh, I'd love it. I'll be right down, and I'll wear my new mink coat. It's a Lulu. Racing and don't bring Lulu. Well, you see, my program isn't formal, so you better leave your mink coat at home. Well, all right, Mr. Monroe, if you say so. I'll be right over. Goodbye. She fell for it, Abbott. Good. Now we'll go over to Marilyn's house and sneak in the winter, and you get the mink coat. Abbott, I'm sorry I didn't give that coat to Mrs. Wetwash. Why? Her windows are easier to open. Never mind that. Christelle, what? Now that's Marilyn's window up there. Get a ladder. Place it against the house, and I'll climb up and open the window for you. Okay. Here's the ladder. Start climbing. That's no ladder. It's a Venetian blind. Lucky you, Vaughn. Hey, wait a minute. There's the far coat on that chair. The window's open. Reach in and grab it. Okay. Okay, Abbott. Oh, look, officer, we're Abbott and Christelle. Now, if you'll forget about this little incident, I'll give you two tickets to our next broadcast. Oh-ho! Threatening an officer, eh? Get in the squad car at the both of you. First, that's the police radio. Calling car 18. Attention, car 18. You are now car 19. Happy birthday. The court. Christelle, you are charged with stealing a mink coat. What have you got to say? Your Honor, I can explain the whole thing. I'm in a jam because of momma-lating circumstances. Therefore, it becomes necessary to interrogate the Corpus de Lectae and taking into consideration Iriam Lenolin and Jabirandi. It is insidious, immaterial, and irrelevant. How can you say that? It's easy when you don't know what you're saying. Christelle, I want you to be quiet. Is it ever this? Christelle, oh, I sentence you to five years at hard labor. You mean breaking rocks at Alcatraz? No, real hard labor. Finding apartments for California veterans. Let's get back to NBC Studios and explain the whole thing to Marilyn. Oh, Abbot. Oh, Abbot, I'm ashamed to face Marilyn. You should be ashamed, gambling your money in the stock market when you know absolutely nothing about it. Giving a check for $3,500 when you have no money in the bank and then stooping so low as to steal the coat bank. Do you realize the humiliation that you have caused me? My partner, why do you do these things to me? Oh, hi, Mama. Hi, boy. I wouldn't blame Marilyn if she never spoke to me again. Oh, Lewis, Lewis, the most exciting thing has happened to me. I just had a date with Bonman Roll. He's so sweet and he's interested in my singing and he's going to be my manager. Abbot, you did this? Marilyn, why don't you let me be your manager? Christelle, you know nothing about girl singers and what it takes to make a girl successful? I do, too. But first, a girl has got to have a good voice. And? Well, it helps if she's pretty. And? And it don't hurt nothing if her father is president. Of course, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but Bon said it was wrong for me to accept that mink coat from you, so you'll have to take it back. Bon said so. Well, Castella, aren't you going to say something? Hooray, sink with the moon. Well, Castella, we'll be back in just a moment for Camel Cigarettes. During the war, the makers of Camel Cigarettes sent a total of more than 150 million free camels to our fighting men overseas. Now free camels are sent to servicemen's hospitals instead. This week, the camels go to Veterans Hospital, Marion, Indiana, USAF Station Hospital, McDillfield, Tampa, Florida, US Naval Hospital, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, US Marine Hospital, Memphis, Tennessee, and Veterans Hospital, McKinney, Texas. Camel broadcasts go out to the United States three times a week. Our rebroadcasts are practically every area in the world where our men are still stationed and our good neighbors in Central and South America. And now back to Bud Abbott and Luke Costello. Well, Costello, it looks like Von Monroe has cut you out with Marilyn Maxwell. Well, what are you going to do for a date tonight? Give me that phone. I can get plenty of girls. I'll get a date. Hello, let me talk to Jane Russell. Yes, I'm a very, very dear close friend of hers. Who are you? Uh-oh, her husband? Bob Waterfield, the football player? Oh, just tell her that Bob Hope called. No. Come on, Costello. Good night, folks. Good night. Good night, everybody. We have an in Costello next Thursday when Costello tells his version of the famous story, The Three Little Pigs, which incidentally has nothing to do with the bears and bulls that you heard about tonight. More pipe smoke Prince Albert than any other tobacco. Try Prince Albert and learn the reasons for this popularity. Get acquainted with Prince Albert's rich, full flavor. Enjoy Prince Albert's tongue ease. PA is specially treated to ensure against tongue bite, and it's crimped cut to smoke slow and even. Get Prince Albert for real smoking joy. Don't miss Prince Albert's Grand Ole Opry Saturday night. Red Foley sings American folk songs in a new, heart-stirring way. Plenty of foot-tapping music and laughs. So don't forget to tune in to NBC Saturday night for Grand Ole Opry with Red Foley, the Duke of Paducah, and Minnie Pearl. Be sure to tune in next week for another great Abbot and Costello show brought to you by Camel Cigarettes. And remember, experience is the best teacher. Cry a Camel. Let your own experience tell you why more people are smoking camels than ever before. C-A-M-A-L-S. Abbot and Costello will soon be seen in the new universal international picture, Buck Privates Come Home. This is Michael Roy in Hollywood, wishing you all a pleasant good night for Camel. Stay tuned now for the Eddie Cantor Show. Thank you NBC.