 Well, hi there! I'm Sarge from the popular web series Red vs. Blue. And I'm Doc from the same show. We're here today to talk to you about checking in on your personal health by visiting the doctor. It's important to check in with your primary care physician from time to time. Even if you haven't recently broken both kneecaps after falling from the top of Red Base because you heard about a box of free eclairs! Eclairs? Where? Ha ha ha! Oh, that never gets old. Breaking your body means you've been getting good use out of it. Absolutely. That's why it's always good to get a human pit stop at the doctor's office. That way you can get right back into the action. Gotta keep this 29-year-old body in shape. Right you are, Sarge. Wait, what? When checking in to a doctor's office, someone will be sure to greet you and question you. When they ask you what's wrong, lie. A good doctor knows what's killing you from just a look in the poke. Hi. How can I help you? Yeah, I've been having aches for a while now. He's having a heart attack! I also think my knees gave out on me. Well, because you're super fat! And I'm pretty sure I've had some buckshot lodged in my butt for a while. Oh no! I guess they have to amputate your whole ass! Ha ha! Do you have any allergies or operations we should know about? Yeah, I had surgery once. Um, all my guts were scooped out and replaced with this guy's guts. And all my guts were scooped out and replaced with robot parts. Oh my god. Is that... Canon? Oh yeah. Doctors want to know everything about your body to treat you. Be sure to give them most or all of your blood so they can run thorough tests! Ha ha ha ha! It wouldn't be a proper doctor's visit without a little bodily fluid! Hey doctor, I tried to pee in the cup like you asked, but uh... It looks like you have perfect blood pressure. What? Cholesterol level is high enough to clog a toilet? Ah, yes. That sounds about right. And your blood is about 50% marinara sauce? Awesome! I'm delicious! No, not awesome, Griff. You really should have been dead years ago. I'm slowly becoming what I love. Pizza. Okay, sister, we're gonna print the results of your STD test panel. Great. Now we can just... It looks like you're positive for everything. Fuck yeah! I died of syphilis. You've leaked everywhere and told all your internal secrets. It's time to get physical! If at any point the doctor finds something that hurts, say nothing. That's good pain! That means your body is doing its job of telling you it's alive. Hello, body! But take note of what may hinder you in battle. If it makes you slow, it's gotta go. Who needs kidneys if you just don't even drink water? Caboose, we're gonna do a reflex test now. I'm gonna tap your knee with a small hammer. Your leg might kick by itself, okay? Understood. Oh, God! Why did all the toilet flush at the same time? Oh, it's flooding! Someone help! Yeah, uh, my dude, I'm just gonna be real with you. Yeah? Yeah, your knees are just straight up dust. Huh. Wow, you got no knees. What's the good news? That is the good news. The bad news is your bones have been at your feet to the point of being spaghetti. Wait, first you're telling me I got marinara blood. Now I have spaghetti bones? Sweet! No, dude, your suit's life support is the only reason you're alive right now. It's like an exoskeleton holding you up. Sounds like you're saying I'm immortal. That is good news. Uh, that is definitely not what I'm... Simmons, did you hear that? I'm immortal! I'm gonna live forever! Now that you've got your tests out of the way, it's time to get fixed up. Most illnesses and wounds can be treated with over-the-counter things, like aloe vera or baby powder. Essential oils and positive thinking are way better than expensive pharmaceuticals. Remember, you can always discard your old disgusting organs with new robotic ones. It's cyborg cheetah legs, or an aimbot arm. The possibilities are endless. If you have an infection, take as many antibiotics as possible all at the same time. Also, make sure not to drink water. You gotta try to dehydrate those viruses. You can always try the oldest self-medication in the book. Walking it off. Got a rash? Walk it off. Got a blend? Walk it off. Complete paralysis? Walk it off! And if that doesn't work, the cure for everything is always death! Or aspirin. Seriously, it works wonders. Yeah, so, uh... This guy says we can see you guys big time for malpractice. Like, settle for oil tycoon levels of money. It's best to listen to licensed professional medical staff when it comes to your medical needs. And remember, you only got one body, so take care of it, so you can live to fight another day. Unless of course you find a robot, buddy. Then just, you know, cut your head off, slap it on that bad boy, you'll be good to go! Thanks for checking out that episode of RVB. 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