 Well, hello and welcome to Jonathan from the heart. I'm Jonathan Astley of Jonathan Astley.com And I'm so excited to be shooting this short video for you today. Our topic. Why do men go from hot to, wait, is that hot hot to cold? Mmm. Why do men do that? All right. Really quickly, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if any time during this video this content resonates with you, please hit that like button. Lastly, these are my weekend videos. I shoot out on my balcony, very similar to the videos I shoot in my private group called Midlife Love Mastery. Check out the link below. This is a group where we have a webinar once a month and a private Facebook group. And if you ask me a question in the group, I'm going to shoot a personalized message just for you in the group. All right, let's talk about why men go from hot to cold. So we all know the merit. And by the way, I'm going to sound like I'm repeating myself if you've been following my videos for quite some time that men come on strong when they're attracted to someone, when they're feeling lost, when they're feeling limerence, and limerence is extreme infatuation. And it's very natural for a man and woman to bond closely together when they're feeling chemistry for one another, when they're feeling the pheromones and the hormones and the testosterone and the estrogen and the oxytocin bubbling together and makes two people want to come closer and closer and closer together. And then all of a sudden, boom, something changes. Okay. And I want to lean into this. Why does this happen? Well, let's first off understand that since the demographic I mostly speak to as midlife, which is after baby making years and before retirement, most people aren't on, most men aren't on the hunt for a wife and they're not on the hunt for starting making babies and starting a family with someone. I'm going to repeat that most men in their 40s, 50s, 60s, and beyond are not on the hunt for family. And that's one of the most predominant driving forces in our 20s and 30s. But when we get to our 40s, 50s, and 60s, oftentimes it's the hunt for simply connection with another human being. I mean, in other words, physical connection with another human being, both sexual and just companionship. And so one of the challenges that we're faced with is a lot of men in midlife don't know whether or not they want to be in relationships. So what happens after the attraction phase is all of a sudden they hit a phase of uncertainty, doubt, concern, concern for a couple of things. Are you the right one for him? But actually concern if he's even capable of going into deeper relationship. This is one of the reasons why when women hire me for my private coaching is to learn to vet for emotional maturity, to vet for compatibility. I even have an emotional aptitude test. I help you test men to see if they're in a good space to be in a relationship. Because oftentimes the reason why guys go cold isn't has anything to do with you. It has all to do with what's going on inside of his life. Could there be chaos going on in his life? Could he be going through a nasty divorce? Could he have a contentious spouse? Could he have stuff going on at work? In these days, most people are feeling a tremendous amount of pressure in their professional lives. What about their children? And then you take someone like me who lost a child and for those who know me know I lost my 19 year old son Connor actually three years ago today. This is the anniversary of his passing. And I got to tell you that's left an emotional scar on me. It makes me wonder, can I actually lean into a relationship? Can I lean into being close to someone? Because this is a significant trauma. And I know many of you have experienced traumas as well. Not just childhood traumas, but adult traumas that makes many of us afraid of leaning in. So while we might want that companionship connection and physical intimacy, are we really capable of going further? This is why I'm such a big proponent of everybody on the planet of doing the inner work, doing the inner work to heal that foundation as a as a vaccination to emotional chaos. That's why I wrote my book, What the heck is self love anyway? What the heck is self love anyway? And this was dedicated to Connor. Here's a picture of him right there. Can you see that? And I don't know if you can tell, but the shirt I'm wearing is the same shirt that he was wearing. Actually, this is a better picture of him. So just to show you that and it's the same shirt as you can tell. Because going back to thank you for allowing me to share that with you. I'm just wondering if I'll even get emotional today. I have a feeling this is going to be a hard day. And I'm just sharing an example of my own life. What about in your own life? What about in the man's life? When we're going through this period of uncertainty, when we're going through healing of traumas. And then a lot of people don't actually do the work to heal their traumas, which makes it very challenging to be in relationship with someone, to actually start to form a relationship with someone if they have unhealed wounds and traumas, whether they happen in childhood or they happen in adulthood. This is why I'm drawing attention to this. This why if you watch my channel, I refer to book after book after book after book. Because what's most important here is to understand that the fantasy we all grew up with, this whole fantasy that men are chivalrous and they're just going to claim you. And all you have to do is just sit back and lean back and just receive because that's all you need to do because men are going to know what they're doing. I can tell you if I didn't study this stuff on a regular basis, I would be incredibly clueless because I would be operating from the premise of simply connection and sex and companionship without any real destination. Because that is also one of the challenges of why men go hot and cold is they don't know whether or not they want a long-term relationship. They certainly know that they can enter into short-term relationships, but how many of them really want to go the distance? This is why, from your perspective, if that is what you want, if you want a relationship that goes the distance, then it's imperative on, imperative to express that early on. Let me repeat that, express that early on. Because men are actually somewhat, they actually do want to, I mean, good men want to protect your virtue. So if they know that is something very, very important to you, they might come on strong, but they'll pull away through what I call the dysfunctional moonwalk, the dysfunctional moonwalk. And what that is is where he just starts dumping all of his problems, all of his concerns on you and basically says, this is why I can't lean into relationship. Let me repeat that, he's going to dump all his problems, all his concerns in his life on you and basically he's going to say, I'm not capable of being a relationship. This is why you have to vet for where he's at on his emotional level of his life. Is he in total chaos in his life or does he have a foundation underneath him that can build a relationship? Let me repeat that, does he have a foundation underneath him that can build a relationship? And what I'm really talking about is an emotional foundation and not just that he owns a home and pays his bills. Okay, those are all really great important things, but does he have the emotional foundation to build a relationship? This is why ladies, I am so critically, not critically, I'm so adamant about learning how to ask better questions from the very beginning, from the very beginning. But Jonathan, we're not supposed to interview someone on a date because it's just supposed to be about fun and let's just have fun. And you know what? Let's just focus on the fun. Ladies and gentlemen, the problem is when we're too focused on fun, we can find ourselves getting attached to the wrong person. And who wants to be with the person who's hot and cold, hot and cold, hot and cold? Actually, they're not even hot and cold, they're hot and then they're cold, they're gone because most people can't even get through the first threshold barrier. What's that Jonathan? A threshold barrier? A threshold barrier is the first bump in the road in a relationship because relationships are going to have bumps in the road and when you get past the first one and you actually get past the first one and then there's going to be another one, most likely in another one in another one. And those build the deeper roots to a relationship. I'm going to repeat that. Getting through what's called threshold barriers, bumps in the road, little storms in the relationship. When you can get past one after another after another, that's going to build deeper roots of connection, of trust, of familiarity with one another. That is how a relationship is built ultimately. Now, ladies, if you've been following my channel, I don't have a copy of it today. I'm a big proponent of everybody ordering the book, Eight Dates by Dr. John and Julie Gottman. Eight Dates by Dr. John and Julie Gottman. Check out the link below to Jonathan recommend books. Why I'm recommending this book, by the way my coffee mug says, love yourself. Why I'm recommending this book is ahead of time, you're going to read this book and go, ah, I get it. I get what Jonathan means by the mechanics of a healthy happy relationship. And then what you're going to do is give a copy of the book to the man you're beginning to date. Before you guys ever get intimate with each other, if you decide you're going to explore a relationship together. Wait a minute, what, Jonathan? Yes, when you both decide you're going to explore a relationship together. Wait, what is that, Jonathan? You both decide you're going to explore a relationship together. In other words, be intentional. Say, are we going to explore being in a relationship together? If it's getting to the point of being sexually intimate, you have every right to say, are we going to explore a relationship together? And if he says yes, then you give him a copy of this book and you tell him the story behind the book, even give him a copy of this video and say, hey, let's do this together. Let's do this together to see if we're really a good fit for one another before we go down the intimate path. Now I know you're going to get a lot of flack and resistance, but here's the thing. The wrong guy is going to give you the flack and resistance. Let me repeat that. You only scare the wrong guy away, because when it's, by the way, one of the chapters in my book is called Speak Your Truth, Do It With Kindness. But then later in chapter nine, if it's sincere and from the heart, you can never say the wrong thing to the right person when you begin the process more intentional. By the way, I'm not suggesting you don't have fun and be flirty with one another and kiss one another and all those sorts of things. I'm talking about before it becomes physically intimate, be intentional. Be a little bit more pragmatic. Be a little less emotional and a little bit more. Does this really make sense for us to go down this road? Because guess what? By being intentional, by being a little bit more in your head rather than the emotional state of being because of the strong attraction, you can decide, is this really what we both want? Because let's face it, this whole notion that men don't know what they want. Well, that's partially true. They don't know what they want. But here's the thing, ladies, you've got to challenge these men. Stop giving them a pass if they don't know what they want. Start being intentional and say, look, if you want to be with me, this is what I require. This is my standard. But it's going to be very challenging if he's dealing with emotional wounds, emotional traumas, adult traumas, and he's not working on his stuff. Because I can tell you, I even work on my stuff, and it still makes it very challenging. And it makes it even doubly challenging for someone who is going through a lot of chaos, a lot of physical chaos in his life, emotional chaos in his life, whether it's a, like I said, an ex-spouse, his profession, maybe his children, whatever it is in his life, and just like what I've experienced. And most of all, I just want you to know, most men are good people. Most men are just good people. They're just bad daters. That doesn't make them bad people. And this is one of the reasons why men go from hot to cold. All right. I hope you found value in this video. I felt like I rambled. This was just, again, one of my weekend videos that I just wanted to share what was coming up. I'd like to hear your thoughts on this. Please post a comment below if this resonated with you. If there's something you'd like to share, I do my best to read everything. Also, like I said, if you'd like to join my group, check out the link to my VIP group called Midlife Love Mastery. And if you'd like some support learning how to vet men, check out the link to a free discovery call to see if working with a coach is right for you. All right. This is a good time to wrap up today. First off, I'm going to give myself a big, gigantic, Jonathan Bear hug of self-love. I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm going to ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear or pillow, or in my case, Connor's picture. Give it and them him a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. Let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye-bye now.