 Hey, this is Steve Meiter with sexual life.com and this is a TSO evolution podcast with a gentleman by the name of Socrates You can find out more about Socrates at manningupsmart.com Also, you can watch his videos with 21 convention. He's got a bunch from there So go to 21convention.com, go to manningupsmart.com, find out more about him and join the movement of TSO evolution Bringing the principles and the philosophy of TSO into life in total Alright guys, what's happening is Steve Meiter from thesexuallife.com and this is a TSO evolution call And what these are are calls that are geared really to a movement of public awareness and just to get the message out there that What we believe in with TSO which stands for the sexual life is an overall philosophy, a set of principles and methodology based on that That overall philosophy is that we were born to be sexual, there's no shame in it We are animals that are meant to have these urges and feelings that influence our physical bodies, our emotions, our mentality And that we're living beings, we're meant to express ourselves And the only way to do that is through authenticity, through the belief in connection You know, we really believe that with sex it's two different things coming together and in that transformation it can make a new thing You know, literally, like in my life right now, I'm sitting right next to my beautiful partner, Maria, who's pregnant So there's that aspect of it where a new physical life is being made But even if I connect with somebody else, it's a minimal and I don't even want to call it the minimal level because it's a beautiful thing But if I connect with somebody, then we have a new thing, a new relationship, a new set of emotions, a new set of ways of thinking You know, the evolution of thought, the progression and yadda yadda yadda Man, I really believe that sex is something that we're born to do, we're born to be sexual, we're born to be social And we were meant to live life and express it And that is the voice we're carrying with TSO evolution Taking these ideas and philosophies into all of our lives, some of those we're focusing on are our minds, our bodies, our hearts and emotion, our sex and sexuality, and our spirit And that is how we progress as a human being You know, the sexual life started out as something where it was like, hey, how can men, you know, talk to women better, have a better sex life, improve in all those different areas But really, where it's turning into and the vision of it is, is how we can become, you know, sexually happy, healthy human beings So that being said, we have a pretty awesome guest who is joining us today, goes by the name of Socrates And, man, I've, first off, I didn't know who this guy was I remember of something called a group in Florida, which was called the top layer He spoke at the 21 convention, which rooted out of the top layer I mean, this is the crazy thing about the top layer And, man, I remember when you spoke, I didn't see it And a bunch of people told me later that day they were like, man, the best speech, the best speech was that Socrates guy And I'm like, who the fuck is that? So then after that, at the many conventions Considering the speakers, that's incredible I mean, who really was I was on stage with people, you said I didn't go, you know, you just have to pinch yourself into what? You know, I'm speaking with whom, you know, so that was quite an honor You know what's crazy is actually my old roommate Phil We've traveled the world together, we've hung out, he lived with me That was his first 21 convention that he went to I forget the year that you had first spoken at And, you know, we were, I was pretty tight with him You know, we were pretty close and he was like, dude, man, this guy This guy, the Socrates dude, I mean, he brought it down And I was like, well, what do you mean, you know, what, give you some techniques on dating or whatever He was like, no, no, no, it was all about being a man And, um, yeah, like, how did this all come about? You know, how did you find your place in this world of Self-improvement, being a man, all that stuff? Yeah, to be really honest, it was through making massive, massive mistakes Suffering horribly because of them And honestly, being accountable to my own actions And realizing that, you know, I would be so easy to blame things on other people or, you know, other instances But to realize that you were a very integral part to what I had done The relationship structures that I developed, who I chose, why I chose them The things that I saw and didn't see or more importantly saw and ignored And didn't just sit down and say, you had a, you had a choice in this And what were the lessons that you learned? And I wanted to improve myself, I had already started even previous to that Where I kind of lost a sense of myself And I wanted to go back to a time period in my life in which I really excelled And I had, you know, several great examples, whether it was in architecture school Or my time in the military And to sit down and say, what was I doing when I felt the best by myself? One was I succeeding the most, regardless of the adversity I faced And it was during those time periods And so I very intentionally went out to collect a group of men And individuals that were looking to improve their lives in particular ways Very much like steel sharpened steel, men sharpened other men And so I intentionally went out to find people like that And to become friends and associate with and share ideas And I ended up discovering not a topillary in Orlando through part of that And had developed some, you know, just some very lifelong relationships Because it's guys that I'm very close with, Anthony is one of them There are several others, interestingly enough Several of them are former 21 speakers And just some phenomenal guys And then kind of as you kind of progress through that You teach and share the information And you start to become a mentor for others Kind of a role model, whether intentionally or not And then I had a choice, you know, you don't have to leave But it was a choice for me And I made the step forward to say, okay, I'm going to take on kind of the responsibility And put some more information out there Work with some of these guys specifically And then to share that information And because of that I was asked to give a talk at the 21 convention Which then spurned it even more And that was kind of the spring point for the blog Which to kind of really document my thought process And relationships, relationship development Starting with yourself and then also starting with understanding The context of the social and political environment Of the dating culture that we live in today And to kind of look and carry things forward and say, look What are you going to do if this is kind of the direction you want to go in your life? How do you prepare yourself? And so that's kind of the section of the blog And each blog post covers a specific section or specific topic and idea And they're compartmentalized very much like a book is And so that's kind of probably three quarters of the way through that process But that's kind of my history in that And that of course spans well over five years to this point So that's an interesting thing Long answer to the simple question No, no, no, it's good, it's good And we love long answers here on these things Just because it builds the dialogue it keeps things going And also, you know, there's a couple of guys Attending this call right now who are some really big heavy hitters That I know you guys are more than welcome to chime in at any time To ask sock questions because Or you can type it in the chat box if you want But man, they're up there They're up there with life experience With, you know, the wisdom And this is all the stuff we're trying to do at TSL How do we become a better man through our experience in life Which is tough, you know what I mean? Right, it really is It was almost as if I came in like I wanted to have sex And then somehow this man thing got dropped on my plate Which is tough and man, I mean, I'll tell you Consequences get high, but let's actually, let's talk about this This is, I'm sure we'll come back to all that sort of stuff But man, your blog, you know, I'm busy with my stuff I'm always, you know, doing something I do a lot of calls, I do a lot of interaction with my group You know, I'm really big into Man, building a unity in a men's group That's really what TSL is all about We should broadcast it out more So that the public can hear it But every once in a while I come across a blog post by you That's either shared by you, shared by Anthony Or somehow comes up I come across it And man, it's fucking amazing You know, the level of insight And the way you break things down Is so awesome First off, it comes from experience But you're very technical And the way you break things down Is very efficient And you mentioned that your blog Is actually written like a book And to navigate through it If you know that It makes it a lot easier to navigate So how do you come up with that idea And, you know I guess What would be a good starting place Who don't know anything about you To start at? The problem with that starting point Is to go to my website ManingupSmart.com And then go to the table contents Because if you just go to the website You're going to get the most recent posts And they're written very specifically In order covering subject matters But that's not where the individual is at The individual, I would assume And in most cases has been always in the case People know where they're at And they just need to plug and play Into where in the spectrum of relationships That they fall into And then be able to pick and choose The information they want Based on the subject matter that interests them Not necessarily the format that I laid it out But overall, I start with the premise That you need to understand the cultural environment Which we live in And also the political context And they're extreme This incentives for men to be in relationships And you have to have a clear understanding Of the place, you know, many ways Guys, I'll talk about that being Redfield was done as opposed to Bluefield And that's two to a degree I tend to take a little bit further Because what we find is that Behind culture, we have laws of follow Or actually more specifically behind culture We have politics And that's the political beliefs of the cultural system Starting and getting grain in society And then following the politics We have the laws And in many cases they're very, very highly Derogatory towards men They're disincentivizing relationships From men. And if you honestly look at it You'd be, you know, I tell guys this You'd be stupid to get in a long-term Committed monogamous relationship Especially what you're more concerned As far as marriage. But I think ultimately We're biological creatures And we're predisposed to do just that And in this highly hazardous You know, environment, how do you do it? And so you have to prepare yourself And one of the first things you have to do Is prepare yourself specifically You can't expect good things to come To somebody who isn't out there Doing good deed And you have to have the relationship With yourself first Before you can have someone with someone else And in the pickup community there's an action That you attract at your own level And that's usually with either skill Or attractiveness traits But the same thing is true for healthy relationships You can only have a healthy relationship As healthy as an individual You are And the less healthy you are The less likely of having a healthy life And a lifestyle and relationship Will become as possible But highly unlikely You know, and the reverse is true too Smart people that are terribly healthy with themselves Make poor decisions But they tend not to last and they tend not to be devastating So my first suggestion would be Go to the website Check out the table of context See where you fit in specifically And then kind of pick and choose But I would primarily point people To the cultural Social understanding of the geopolitics Of the social culture today Man, you're kind of a very relevant one You brought up a lot of stuff And I don't know where to start But I'm going to start What flagged me first was the cultural stuff And you also ended on that So let's go with that You know, I have this idea We're meant to be sexual beings In any way, shape or form We're also meant to be communication beings So in pickup you always heard Like that we You know, we're not meant to be monogamous We're supposed to have a lot of sex Totally true I absolutely agree with that But just as big of an urge We're supposed to connect And socialize with each other And I think it's important To join the group You know, basically When we were evolving You know, for hundreds of thousands of years You know, we've only had society A short time Was, you know Three people, ten people I mean, it was small And it wasn't generations You know, we weren't able to sustain that So it was kind of like Hey, this little mini-culture This little mini-community We got to follow that I think that that is a huge urge We have too much distortion of that We have too many people We have too much stimuli We have way too much shit going on Then we get all these rules But I'll tell you this You know, I feel our urge Is to follow society Man, I think there's plenty I think it's more than an urge I think we're biologically as animals Yes We talked about sexual urge To actually couple Eventually as we can And women are the opposite of that And that's biological But we also have a very strong Biological creation for You know, chemical hormonal reactions Associated with like oxytotin Serentonin And these are coupling elements That are biologically driven There's a reason why we respond To physical touch And why in like a pickup community Kino is terribly important Oxytotin And a few others You start developing these biological Or hormonal connections with individuals Sex is a very, very powerful one The most The largest surge we can create Is to an orgasm with an individual And it's why so many guys Go through these stupid Sayings of I love you after having Amazing sex and orgasms with a chick Is that they're biologically driven And they're drugged to do it You know, chemically and hormonally To do these things And this sort of plays out in a number of ways You know, and so I think We're biological creatures sexually I think we're biological creatures For relationships And you know, we had a tremendous history On coupling And you sit down and say Not only is it successful for thousands And tens of thousands years But it's global It's not like this is a single cultural Makeup has been found on every continent Throughout all civilizations And even preceding civilizational periods Now there have been competing forms Of it, you know, polygamy and several others But the most successful For child rearing society And civilization advancement Has been the most simple And that is a two-partner coupling It reduces the energy expenditure The communication connection And everything else And if you talk to real polygamous These are exhausted men And they're not exhausted sexually They're exhausted emotionally Having to deal with the emotional needs And communication processes Managing and leading the intimate group That large And so I think that, you know, even while it exists I don't think it's been typically terribly Successful Outside of a couple of very seed cultures That have embraced that Yeah, you know what's funny is when people talk about No, no, no, no, no This is like totally, we talk about all this stuff All day long, man And again, a lot of stuff you talked about But Man, number one is like when people bring up Like wanting to run a harem Or a group of women or, you know, whatever They have not looked at Polygamous cultures Because I really feel that the only way You know, every PUA type person Has tried to have Multiple long-term relationships That is, you know That basically got really involved In a good skill set and all that sort of stuff I know I have the only way to do it Is to make it your life You know, to have everybody know To have full communication there And it is exhausting Or the alternative is To the point that you just don't give a shit That you just don't care if they're in or out And the fastest Road to actually accomplishing that Is the social Sympathism of fame If you can achieve a degree of fame And celebrity in it You no longer have to do the work that Mere moral men do, you know With physical stature or social stature Well The shitty thing about that Is that Everybody I know who's done that Has had a bunch of other problems I really think that Like, anyway But in our culture There have been other ways to do it But there have been other cultures That have There have been other cultures that have Accomplished this just the way their society Works, you know Where as a smaller tribal type Whatever But man, let's There's actually a couple of questions Already written in and I don't want to Throw it off Track too much but one question That was written in when you were talking How can you be healthy While being natural Some people get so rigid with the rules Which can get in the way of Being natural So I suppose Sex being natural and The feelings of oxytocin Being natural, you know All those things but then Fitting into our culture there's rules And all that sort of stuff Correct And I think the answer comes It's hidden within the question itself If you're going to be authentic And be happy with yourself I think you have to live Your own life Within your own rules And realize that all these other influences External of you Are not necessarily authentic of you And that if society's saying something And you're not happy with that or don't want that The degree of separation between Your values and societies and whatever The external influences The nature of your initial basis of unhappiness And I would sit down and say You need to create your own life And you need to create your Rules for how you live The structure and the context of it By your own design and that's living A very tailored life There are going to be challenges to that But I think you're going to be vastly happier Pursuing those values Than you'll ever be living under somebody else As you disagree with Well hey this is Rick man I got a question here I wrote that question in Like I see people who say This is the healthy way You need to do this You need to lift, you need to exercise You need to eat this way, you need to eat that way If you said earlier The premise was you have to Do these healthy things Be healthy to have a healthy life Which totally makes Very ambiguous And notice people like Dude man to be healthy You got to sleep in Smoke a couple of joints And then catch that perfect wave Man that's a perfect life Man if that's not healthy If you're doing anything different than that And other people that are so rigid About what a healthy life is You know it's like no you can't eat that Or I don't eat that Or won't have anybody around me that smokes And it's just like Really kind of segregates things Nature it's pretty natural You know rats are healthy They just eat what they want And they have good sex And they survive in a society Where they're put Actually Even for you How would you define that for you personally It's several things Anytime you take advice Or you're looking for advice People are going to give it The problem becomes not the advice itself You take it, you now assume ownership of it And I have suffered From similar instances where I've taken quote good advice Mainstream well accepted advice That was not tailored to me It was not tailored to What my intentions were, my objectives And consequently it was very poor advice The problem was I took it And once you take it And you take that advice it's now yours You're accountable to it And anything that comes from that And in many ways that's in some ways Still playing out The interview series for the documentary series The 21 convention We filmed inside my house We actually filmed a great swan as well Who came later That house is very much a ramification Of exactly that example I was giving where I took some general advice That was well accepted Well mainstream but was not tailored To what I was wanting to do And I still have that In many ways it's an emotional burden Because I have now obligations And I'm now very much tied and weighed down by it Rather than being liberated From those sort of obligations And at the same time I've learned from it So there's that I think in part you have to Wear some of this stuff If you kind of want to understand What Buddhism is I think you kind of have to wear it for a while I think you have to become a Buddhist for a little bit If you really want to kind of feel A lot of the guys from the 21 convention Are into biohacking And looking and trying different things Whether it's health, nutrition, exercise And to try these things on Document what you're doing Whether it's journaling or whatever it is And then compare it to your results And to see how close you held to A particular diet or nutrition program Where you're going out on the rails Because you were slightly off With that effect For example you look at it in my video I'm a healthy guy I'm a large overweight, highly stressed Highly inflamed guy And if you sit down and say I've been eating paleo Doing super slow workouts Doing all the things that I know are healthy for me Why am I still this way What's my stress level like And what's my sleep quality And duration like And they're off the charts wrong And anytime those things happen It's a toxic element to me When I get all those things in line You see a dramatic change And that's something that I'm on a very personal level That I'm working with And I'm having to play through And to sit down and say I'm eating Primarily a high fat diet right now Is kind of what any doctor is probably going to tell you And I sit down and I have to counter with the research And say look I understand science politically Saying this, what's the research sound You want to put me on a high inflammation diet Based on grains and carbohydrates When in fact I'm hyper informed You know how smart is that And they don't really know what to say Other than well it's good nutrition I'm like well according to who Where's this coming from And so you kind of have to do your own research You have to kind of plug into this And then also see how you respond to it You know I can say all day Monogamy is a great thing But monogamy is not a great thing for you God almighty don't do it Well let me ask you this then I like what you said right I like that you're Back to who you are and what you do And I get a sense I may be wrong tell me if I'm wrong But that you're living a Healthy life right That your life is healthy you're happy You're kind of doing the things you want to do Even if you are eating a fatty diet Or you are inflamed Or you know you have a house That maybe you didn't want to buy But you can still have a healthy life And it might help you emotionally To be spiritually satisfying That you're out there enjoying life And doing things even though Everything isn't perfect right In many ways it's not necessarily Having everything you want to be happy It's actually having the Being happy with the things that you have So for example you know the house And it's not just I bought The house I designed the goddamn thing You know and so this you know it was A daily reminder that this is Something I created and probably The first thing that really should I should have never done is build That particular house you know my original Design attempt was something much smaller More economically viable it would have been Hyper cool anyways I mean I would have Made sure of that but it was not going To be this monstrosity geared for You know a relationship and family And children and all these things because You know that's what I was you know At the time and it was also not meant for A lot of mass resale And talking to real estate agents And people I knew they're all saying You've got to do a three bedroom two bath house Minimum this square feet everything else Which was really grossly getting larger Than what I ever needed or could Honestly afford appropriately And being creative and a problem Solver I solved those problems Consequently my debt To income ratio based on my take Home pay probably about 74 75% My take home pay is going to mortgages That's insane You know and but that doesn't Sit down and say that I cannot enjoy My life the experiences That I have in it even with All this stress and you know Even though I'm in many ways scared Shill is going forward I'm alive I'm very much alive and The pickup community had a kind of a Real nice action I use from time to Time that there's no growth In comfort zone and I'm Definitely not in a comfortable zone But I'm growing in as individual As a person as you know As an architect as you know kind of A mentor and a man and you know In different things that I'm doing But I'm also very much aware of The things that I don't know And that kind of that that spooks And so that doesn't actually say I stop or I stop enjoying the Process and what I'm doing and What I'm doing and I just make Of what I'm doing is associated With why I'm doing it and when Those things aren't aligned Something needs to get rebalanced Let's actually go to this Jim before you jump in Let me just and please jump in After I say this Let's get to the qualities of a Man what is that What is integrity you know What is being responsible for yourself Because that's something that Comes up over and over again Whether it's a shitty relationship Or a Man you have kids You buy property Whatever it is how do we Learn to be responsible for that In our society and Go ahead Sock I cut Jim off Jim Ask your question after Sock Replace to this sorry about that Yeah and obviously taking The definition of what is a man It depends on your cultural you know Kind of the standing and there's Probably several ways in which to do it But I'm coming from that Fairly sexist and traditional background In which you sit down and say as a man You need to have this Ability to provide and protect And I think on a biological level Women are acting out on that regardless Of what their political beliefs are Or cultural beliefs are I think as men We judge ourselves based on that I think there's a lot of detriment To that especially in this Day and age in which that's not necessarily Requirement and so You know I think a lot of men don't feel Like they're successful when they when For example they're not self-supporting They're not able to care for themselves In a manner which they could you know Would want to or expect let alone Overproduced to the point that They could afford a relationship Or a woman or protect a woman or Provide for a woman and then Ultimately even their children and so I think that plays out psychologically For men when in reality I think those Conditions have been Flackened to a great deal that Women are looking for more emotional Support providing emotional Security psychological security And you see that with a lot Of women for example that have daddy Is quite frankly is that They're not really looking for daddy Sure for say they're actually looking For somebody that they can be Emotionally vulnerable with somebody That can be emotionally protected And that's dramatically different Than being Arnold Schwarzenegger and Barbarian you know this Hulking figure with a sword You know and so I think that the Definition there I think there's a Little bit of degree of plug but Ultimately I think you need to again Find out who you want to be and Then seek out to be that individual And not necessarily compare yourself To cultural standards per se Or other external influences Whether it's family or friends That's historical role models I talked to for example at the last 21 convention about this notion Of heroes and how we kind of start To identify with that and that we Tried to meet that expectation I think with knowledge and awareness We need to revisit some of that Narrative that we create for ourselves And see whether or not that's applicable Today I think in many cases we've Outgrown that ourselves But we're not acknowledging that And I think that plays out disaster A lot in this watch. Yeah cool stuff Jim talk to me Yeah we We get ourselves in a lot of situations That we didn't really plan for No You know it just kind of Comes on us One piece at a time the next thing You know you're under a mortgage Wife and kids But What you were saying earlier Really resonated with me We Find ourselves In all these situations and sometimes It's by choice and we try things on We try this On we try that on And one of the Points that I kind of felt like you Made tangentially but and Check me on this is that In the context Of all these situations that we find ourselves In whether we're Under some financial debt or Relationship or End up in some different Part of the world in that context We have to find a way To somehow Make peace and be happy In whatever that context is And I think that's true of men and women I think the difference between Men and women is that culturally And I know legally and politically We will excuse accountability from Women We will just literally remove them Of their decisions that the consequences Of their decisions and their Responsibilities. So as being a Female I think they have a lot Of benefits Based on genetics alone That with men I think one of the base Definitions is not necessarily just Provider or protect but accountability If you are accountable to your Situation no matter how big of Failure it may have been personally Or culturally or whatever it is If you are starting to be accountable For the situation of a man being Fulfilled at that point Not necessarily whether you're able To provide for others and so I think For a lot of men that are Recovering that is crucially Important to recognize and honor and respect That when they're actually being Accountable for the situation they're in And then getting out of it And that to me is one of the great Hallmarks of any great man It's not necessarily their successes But what they persevere and strove At that point in their life they were Still remarkable individuals and men Interesting Yeah it's not pretty You know no matter what Yeah no matter what context Or situation you find yourself in You can make it yours Correct You can own this thing Take responsibility just Because you're a Buddhist doesn't mean You can't be a hot blonde Correct But that's You know We need to sit down And figure out who we are And what's best suited to us And the vast majority of times It's not where we're at You know It's not where we're at We may have glimpsed it at some point Or we may have been there At some point But Once we do figure out who we are And what we really want It means big changes Yeah And it might be a long road Before you get there Correct and it's like There's kind of a scene It goes back that a Self reflection and self analysis Is definitely worth Doing but it's one of the most Difficult things that will ever take place And it's a hallmark of a life well Lived is that periodically You take note Of your life where you're at What you're doing, who you are Why you're doing those things And that is a sign of a quality life You know Somebody who just has success You know again and again I don't think that's necessarily a quality life As opposed to somebody who's Developed character through a Forging process of adversity And has gained tremendous insight To who they are To see a sense of self And awareness of self That people who have only known success And fairly easy life Will never enjoy Well around here It's a very important part of the process For all of us The self discovery process And in fact In the TSL online course That is part of the first lesson From the beginning And continues throughout the course Of the self discovery Who are you, what do you really Really really really want Without having to listen to the spice girls Right And the interesting thing Is I think it's also evolutionary That part may change And I think to recognize those Pivots is really important You know for example Knowing your life character Who I was when I was in my 20s And what I wanted to do Was become 145 And so to naturally sit down I think that I'm going through a different phase Of my life, I'm going to want And need different things And consequently I may have to Look to and become different things Or develop still sense But ultimately ideally you would want to think That you're the same person No matter whether you're highs or lows Or where you're at That you have that same sense of self Self awareness and self acceptance You're still the same individual Yes, the self acceptance Is a big factor Because you know Identity is a dynamic process Especially when you look at it Over the longer term What are your Top three goals this year A year from now Could be very different Something else steps up Or you discover that Maybe what you thought was important And I think the element Of looking long term is really beneficial From a very Statistical standpoint Is that most people when they do a year plan Vastly over Compensate And basically have higher expectations Of the goals that they'll be able to achieve In a one year timeframe Than what they do for five And what they find is that at five year goals They tend to vastly exceed those goals If they've been consistently applying And so I find that startling That you sit down and say you're better off Actually looking long term rather than Kind of short one year timeframe Really? Yeah, you look at any number of studies Is that they sit down and say The list of goals people will typically try To put on a one year plan They won't be able to successfully fulfill But those on a five year plan If they're really constructive Construtively they tend to Underestimate what they can achieve In five years Meaning that they vastly exceed their expectations And so that's if you're constantly Applying it Throughout those five years So if you're hitting 80% of your one year goals That they're all aligned to your five year goals The odds are you're going to go beyond What you anticipated in a five year Achievement plan Wow, that's Very encouraging because My class that I teach As a job I stay after them about a five year plan Have a five year plan Or a ten year plan If you're a young fellow you go with a ten year plan But my guys are going to be Out of the workforce in five years And So that's really Encouraging I had no idea that it was that Yeah, but again you have to Align it and I've actually gone To this step so they're actually Taking a Word document and each Page break is basically A five year plan a two year one year Nine months six months three months And then I go down to 30 days In a week plan and I make sure that The standard there's something you need You know you need to do and achieve In a week or a month that are not necessarily Assigned to a five year plan That's just maintenance and maintaining your life But I acknowledge this But I make sure that those goals Are all in alignment that if I have something on a five year plan I know what the benchmarks are And if I know I'm achieving those Or working towards it That is highly highly beneficial And I'm vastly more likely To hit those marks and then Hit the five year and go beyond it Something that I also will note That if you just have one of these Sheets and every time you kind of do it And I was doing it weekly When I was really active It became nothing but a to-do list It was incessant and then What I found to be Just a tremendous asset With anything I accomplished I started on that year's Accomplished list and I listed it out So if there was something on the one month schedule It got cut and it got put on my accomplishments And instead of having a To-do list what I started And what I did was I reflected Every time I looked at my list to do I also looked at my each accomplishment And what you end up doing is not the To-do list but you wanted to feed The accomplishments and that is A completely different mindset From having a to-do list Is that I want to accomplish this As opposed to oh god You have to do this That's the drawn Drawn versus driven Are you drawn down the road Or are you driven down the road And that is something that I experienced From having failed at doing that That was certainly going This should be a beneficial thing I hated looking at it At the point that I was going to delete it Because I just knew it existed And I thought you need to change that And if I wasn't self-aware of saying What's driving this behavior What's the cause of it It's not the list What's the cause of it And the fact is I wasn't getting any validation out of it I wasn't getting any sense of accomplishment And of course every time you do An accomplishment there are all these Hormonal releases we talked about Parabond and everything else Energy, your immune system All those things are linked The more oxytotin you have in your system The healthier your immune state is And so when I was stressing myself out I was lowering my immune state I wasn't feeling good I was just Still and more susceptible To colds and viruses And obviously my inflammation And diet things and so there was a lot Driving those sort of things I can see the great value Of the accomplished list But I have the problem I think many of us do In that we set out goals And it turns into a to-do list Correct I don't know how to stop that I don't know how to stop that Because I set out a goal And then I start breaking it down Into little pieces And I can't let it be simple Easy and basic Current time around here Well and I think The difference is on a to-do list There's no why You're not a tell Why am I doing this And if you know your reason for doing things I think that provides a tremendous More opportunity for Providing yourself excellence Increasing your morale Is that if you sit down and link These goals to a real reason Not sit down like say I want a car Or I want to pay off my house But a reason why And to have that done It becomes a really much more Positive element Than a simple to-do list Which it is by definition I see how that could work I'm going to try that A pain in your monthly bills That's a pain in the ass Especially for a guy who doesn't have a lot of money Who's rebounding and hitting hard times You know it's so much easier Not into just sort of throw yourself At exploitive entertainment issues You know and sit down and say Look am I being a man By being an example to my children You know by not paying my bills And every time I pay my bills I'm showing by an example What it means to be a man Whether my children acknowledge that I will know it And so when I pay my monthly bills Because those are my obligations And they are mine When I pay my bills I'm fulfilling my obligations as a man That is completely different than saying Pay your fucking electric bill You know to sit down and say When I write my bills I'm fulfilling my obligations as a man Of the things that I chose for myself Well and I can I can see how it creates More possibilities than Just a to-do list When you hold a goal you know the purpose And it creates a lot of possibilities A lot more than just The mundane things that you have On the to-do list That give you the opportunity to progress In that direction Well this is one thing that is kind of funny We're talking about a lot of stuff which is very good But man Jim you didn't like Our last mastermind call where we're going through What is the mastermind program What's the philosophy But part of that see It's doing that same exercise Like because I'm listening to this whole thing going like Man alright you know new definitions of accountability How to be responsible How to you know Be a man of your word all that sort of stuff And just be a human being that has integrity Well you know you got to be responsible For what it is you got In front of you and you have to know the why You know which in TSL We have we define as the purpose You know that is our why Of it and you know The thing is That I think when You're going over the bill thing I'm just like Man it would still suck to pay bills It would still like okay well I'm doing this Because it's for my kids I'm doing this Because it's for You know my health I'm doing this for whatever But I think first for me it's so Important to know the meaning In the identity and again a big thing In TSL as Jim said is We explore our identities a lot I mean it's just it's almost like It goes again and again And again where It's like what does it mean Do I want to be a man am I making A healthy choice or a choice about my health Because society says so Or because like I really want to change You know I mean I think for me this is what I love about the 21 convention this is what So cool about You know what Anthony did is He brought all these people together I learned about health I mean man Very very unhealthy I mean to the point of where I did not Work out from 15 to 30 Maybe even more than that The first time I ran a mile again In 16 years was when I was 31 And You know I worked out like crazy Worked out like crazy you know And when I don't know what health and fitness is I go to who looks healthy Or who has the best advertisement But it wasn't until I started hanging out With some of the speakers that Turned me on to you know And listened to what They said specifically Was that I actually got An inkling of what health was This last year At the end of 2013 I felt Really unhealthy and I'm still You know kind of figuring out Whatever the hell all that is And For being healthy for me now It's like of course there's the Image of course there's like oh well You're fat You're not You can't compete against other people Or whatever you know all that shit But man bottom line is There's no man I want to be alive Because I know what it means to be alive And if we went into our decisions About relationships Who we talk to how we spend our time How we interact with people With some pride in ourselves And who we are Men and women Better unity Much better you know interacting With each other everything I think would work a little bit better But the problem is we get caught up In this blame game And it's something that You know it's not We talk about it in You know our groups quite a bit But it's not really in the stuff that We've written with a lot of the TSL stuff We talk about antisocial behavior Being blame being resentment Being basically holding on to things And if we hold on to those things Like confusion, frustration, resentment You know blaming people We'll start to move into behavior Which will be dependent upon what other people think You know superficiality will be More important than what's within you You know ideas of Enforcement of equality Will be more important Than your own personal definition of it Yada yada yada yada You get the idea but The thing is is that man If I took that sense of pride You know because at first when I hear you say Well what I'm paying my bills You know when I'm making this list And what's even more funny is I just talked to my friend Kevin Texted me and he said He had told me to make a five year list Five and a half years ago And I said man I wish I would have made that list Because I you know accomplished a lot of Things that we had talked about That change in my life and he's like Well you can make a ten year list But you're right in that sense That I'm not bogged down By the particulars I'm not bogged down by being confined in a box You know often times when I make A list for myself like a checklist It's Around what I should do Not What is an expression of me But if I make a five year list There's all sorts of room for In that on how to achieve that goal So it's kind of interesting That was my instinct on it When you first said it And I think you To capitalize on something you said about The element of living And I think the elements that I talked about With my house in particular And the obligations I faced Was the fact that the definition Of how I wanted to live My sense of living was no longer conducive To the situation in which I created A tremendous amount of resentment So what I had to do was face reality You've got this obligation You're going to meet it But how do you sit down and achieve The sense of living while under this Circumstance of being just incredibly Dead poor as far as being The degree of deadness In which I have for the house And the lack of capital That I have to be able to stand What are the things I can do And when I started to look for the And came up on my list Whether it was having A meal with friends at the house Or having them get together For a wind down or whatever it was And mine tended to be social in nature Then all of a sudden I felt like I was living Irrespective of the amount of debt I was in And so that became A different element for me To focus on those things that Made me feel alive And what were those things by definition And then how do I incorporate that Into the things that I'm doing Or wanting to achieve And if you're striving towards Things that are making you feel alive I think it's almost impossible Not to feel good about that Yeah, that's interesting So your worth Stopped being just You know Debt, bank account stuff And actually came through towards Like how were you socializing How were you living Everybody over to your place After the convention And I imagine at other times too And that was a remarkable moment That here I designed and built this house Around a relationship that Utterly destructive And I was actually able to Because of that failure Find the people that I invited There to that house And that was a remarkable time for me Because everybody that was in that house that evening Was a direct result of my personal failures And it assumed my failures that I found Achievement And situations in which For example, having this conversation right now Would never have happened Had I not gone to that personal failure And taken ownership And taken a direct action And changing my life for the better And because of that it opened up a whole Another possibility that was never on my list Or even since I'm aware Man, something that I really I almost don't trust anybody Hasn't had a sense of failures Or they're unwilling to show it And I know that most of the time It's because people are afraid And all that sort of stuff I think it's just strictly that Yeah, I mean It's just our relationship With having to show up a front Is so tough, but man You gotta realize your failures Are a gift every time And man I've had some like Shit which is Cool, but every time it happens It's happened so much in my life That at this point Man, knock on wood, but I have Faith that this will help me Because It is, I mean man Hurtful, very Sad, you know, fucked up Things, and you know Right now in my life and one of the things That I'm so proud of for myself Personally in my big mission With anything That I do, not even just TSL Is that, you know, people Also can, you know, work through this stuff Too, is that a lot of times When I feel emotions now I just feel them Well, at least in comparison to before Man, there was some shit That hit me hard About two years ago And man, I just remember I just started crying I couldn't help it It was just such a devastating Sad, sad fucking moment And You know, and it sucked And the best part about that was It just hurt, and it was sad Whereas before My emotions were attached to so many things And you know, I'm talking like I'm past it or whatever Or, you know, and somehow There's definitely things in my life That fucked me up and give me plenty of anxiety And, you know You know, get into like A lot of self-worth and, you know Get stuck in areas where Yeah, I get trapped in my own head And not letting myself, you know Get rid of the blockage But man, what an awesome thing That has come together And basically how you've said, man How you soccer have said Come together through the internet Of people coming together Who, you know Man, we're all kind of crazy As I like to say, and we're all crazy We're all on the same day, so You know, that's true And the other part is everybody who showed up That night had gone through similar personal failures And that's what drew us together You know, we were seeking resolutions We were seeking ways of being Now, I don't, just to clarify I don't think making mistakes just in the sense Of making mistakes is beneficial But making failures in the pursuit Of excellence or achievements Or ambition to strive To strive to better yourself Those are always beneficial, one way or another Yeah, yeah But, you know, there are fucks-ups that are just fuck-ups And that's it But they're not striving to better themselves You know, and ultimately It's a race within yourself, not as a comparison It's, you know, like I think I spoke once About, you know, being a noble being About you're trying to Be better than you were today You know, or yesterday And if you can sit down and say that I think you've accomplished a great deal There's a, not as a comparison You know, I'm running into this thing Where I still have Pangs about Women that I loved Women that I love 20 years later I mean, many, many, many years later And the pangs are always Why couldn't I Have been the man I am now Then, yeah Yeah, because There's the resistance They were wonderful, they were gorgeous And I Was apparently good enough To get them in my life But why in the world Couldn't I have been the man I am now Jim, let me tell you Man, you need to bring this up On Monday's podcast with Nate Because this is all we talked about Man, it's just It's Maybe you shouldn't It makes me Recognize the fact that I love these women It's not past tense It's now I love them now And It doesn't, that doesn't That part doesn't change No, no, and I think that's terribly natural And I think it would be terribly unhealthy If it did You can always see a sociopath Because they don't have this feeling It's one of the surefire indications Of a sociopath If they don't have those reminiscent feelings About people in the past That they completely disenfranchise themselves From their emotions with their past sister Well, I'm pretty good at that Really In general, I'm pretty good at that Now, is that by nature Or is that something you did as a tense mechanism? It's by nature My family Is stoic For generations For generations Now, that's that's Do you think that's a genetic line Or a family cultural history That you've embraced? I think it may well be both It may well be both It's certainly a family line That I've embraced, but I'm I'm involved Involving past it You know, I have An experience and express Emotions like I never did Before I'm still a little A little bit dysfunctional And I don't always recognize just what they are I can't really put the name on it But I experienced these things fully And probably Without intending for it To be The fact that I have That I've loved these women Gives me A driver You know, in that A generalized Love of women And the ability to Be really Interested and curious About Who she is Her femininity It's not just about getting laid Although Very, very much sexually Driven But it gives me this abiding Love For women I mean, they've already The ones that have gone before Paid the ticket for the ride I kind of talk about it It's kind of an ugly thing I'll do to my exes When I see him again, I'm like, you know My current girlfriend, just thank you Oh, you're nasty It's horrible That's a failure in my part Low self-esteem Suffer But I have to be vigilant It's also okay to acknowledge that That I'm human I have it all There's a reward for acting on it sometimes I've been really tempted to do it the other way To tell my current girlfriends How grateful they should be To all the other women who have been in my life That's very truthful You know, I joked that For example, my sexual history and past I went out to create An interesting life And I was very, very, very intentional It was in many cases I did things that would put me In direct opportunities of things That I would never have done on my own Or couldn't anticipate knowing That there would be stories involved or created And that rich storytelling Unfortunately, it deals a lot of Intimacies with other women It hurts the woman I'm seeing Or she develops insecurities And I'm like, you know what, all those stories Have led me to you And all I can sit down and say Is I've skitted right up to you And go, my God Do I have a story to tell you Where have you been and my God Do I have a story to tell you? And it's very sincere And that changes the dynamics It creates an interesting question We all have baggage And especially those of us Who are over 30, over 40 By the time By the time we're over 40 And moving into these relationships Everybody had baggage How do you carry it Lightly How do you carry it gracefully And how do we identify the women Who are able to carry it gracefully Because We've all run into this Fucking landmine That you never knew was there But for some reason that's something off The reality is I don't necessarily tell everybody Everything immediately So if I'm carrying baggage To a degree it may come up I'll say that these are sensitive issues And I'll explain why Or whatever it is And to explain some of those things But the other part as far as carrying your own baggage I think in a lot of cases Sometimes we are carrying baggage That's not right fully ours I think that people will assign baggage And because we are men We're also taught to be stoic To carry the load to shoulder the burden And I think in a lot of cases A lot of our failed relationships Weren't necessarily driven solely by us Even when, you know, for example I'll use the point where I was horribly cheating On this one girl Between her and another girl for two and a half years Back and forth, back and forth, simultaneously In hindsight I can't tell you the honest story Because I don't know it anymore It was just a blur And I lost out on two amazing women That I can honestly look back and like you Sit down and go, God If I was only the man I was today The reality was at that point in time I wasn't And at that point in time I was doing the best I could Or you sit down and acknowledge the areas that you weren't Sit down and take involved instances They were playing on vulnerabilities That I was not secure That my emotional needs were not being met You were not in this alone You were not in this by yourself That is correct And so I cannot in all honesty Take on that burden of a failed relationship Solely by myself Okay, that lightens That lightens the load But once we've lightened the load How do you carry the remainder It depends on how bad is it bothering you If it's something that is Cancerous and it's eating at you I think you have to address it I think you have to look At ways in which what would be The least you could do to resolve this issue It may be verbally acknowledged Out loud by yourself It may be making An admission of accountability To the individual It may be doing other things For example, I'll sit down and say A large driver of the blog That I'm writing is to Acknowledge the hurt and the pain And the suffering that I caused on others Because I didn't have the skill sets Involved for those relationships And so today I'm doing things To make sure I'm a better person Having been accountable for those things And I'm not replicating it That adds a whole new dimension To the idea of paying it forward Correct The last element is The 12-step program with AA The most important part that they'll mention Is the last step And they can sit down and say With almost certainty That if you don't embrace the last step You're going to be recidivism You're going to fall back in And you're still an alcoholic The moment that you can actually Accomplish the last step Is the moment that you're free and clear of it And that is helping others The 12-step is helping others Steve has something to say about that I'm sure Ah well Rather not But I mean I think If I'm throwing stones in a glass house I don't intend to but What I do find is that there's something Terribly, terribly powerful About owning a mistake And finding somebody that's facing that Or in a similar situation And bringing them through that I think that is making whole With life, with yourself And let's say karma in general But I think there's something psychologically Moving to that That you can then vary it and lay it to rest The other is to In a very ceremonious way Acknowledge when you're letting it go Women will burn photographs And stuff like that of ex-boyfriends But I think there's an element Of acknowledgement when you Let something go And to face the ghosts of your past Because you just don't want to be haunted by them And to talk about this idea Of trying to circumvent pain Or to get around it I don't think we really can I think if we circumvent pain It's still there I agree I think we need to acknowledge it And address it I think the real issue For guys To pop in here I think it's Michael But What's happening, dude I know you're going to say something good I'm just going to Michael, I'll let you talk I was going to say something but go for it No, no, no, go for it I know it's going to be good because I know you Well, man I Jim, I just I just wanted to say thank you For some of the stuff that you said Because I liked it And Steve, I just Want to say congratulations On having A life that's Coming Yeah, you're welcome, man I appreciate it It's like a good stuff But one of The things that It Has made a big difference To me, especially about Those pains from the past And I don't know If this is healthy Or a good idea For anyone else Or anything What I like to do Is acknowledge that There's a part of me That Isn't Bounded by time There's a part of me When I was young There was like a young me That did Stuff that seemed like it was a good idea at the time And there was A middle-aged me that did stuff That seemed to be a good idea at the time And I fucked up Things I wouldn't have fucked up If I had been me later But There's a part of me That Feels All the way back To the very first Crush I had When I was You know, I Didn't even like I didn't even know what sex was You know And The little girl at the babysitters With me You know, kind of like Got into that situation Where her parents got a job In another town and they left You know, and she went away And And even though That was a situation that I didn't screw up because I didn't have the skills at the time I still Feel the pangs In my heart For her This little five-year-old girl Just like I was a Five-year-old boy When I Get up in the morning It's not always on my mind But when it hits me Or when I feel it I have to Do something To Give In some way You know, to express In some way, like And sometimes it's just me On the Backstairs with the cigarette You know, burning Saying like, Danielle, you know If you're anywhere Just I just want you to know that I remember you You know And I'm a military brat myself So, you know, having that scenario Play out, I've experienced And As an adult, I can rationalize That we're biologically hardwired For those experiences That's one of the reasons, you know Just like sex we're driven to get We're also hardwired hormonally To create Immense memories for this To drive us towards each other So the species would survive Biological things, but that doesn't help me On a psychological level Understanding the biomechanics of that But one of the things I'll do And I've done this with past relationships And people that are actually dead Is I'll speak to the dead There's nothing wrong with doing Exactly what you're doing Sitting down, acknowledging it And having a conversation with that little girl As a five-year-old boy As the individual you are now And embracing that And sitting down and feeling those emotions I think men ensure the responsibility Of actually feeling those emotions You know, and they try to sit down And we try to control them So it doesn't play out But I think in many ways you can't Not feel those and not be healthy And if there's a mourning process I think you need to go through it If there's kind of a sense of loss I think you need to experience that And when we don't, I think they still resonate And from time to time you're, for example I'll have memories and they'll come up And they'll be acute and you'll be like You know what, as painful as it is I am so thankful That I can still feel that And that I acknowledge That I can feel these things That they're real and I'm alive for it You know I would get very comfortable doing just that One thing that Acknowledging it Let's go ahead So I don't need to be walking over Any of you guys But, man, before Michael spoke I was basically going to say, man What's so important about all this Is that we need to As men You know, or as people Because I don't want it to just be about men You know, if it divides You need to recognize what's different In the specifics and all that sort of stuff But I think if it overall divides And doesn't create unity That's not something I stand for But Is a group It's so important to be able to go through These different processes because Especially something like the grieving process Whether it's This could even go into What Jim was saying about ex-lovers and whatnot People that you still love But are out of your life Whether they've passed or they You know, you just don't talk to them anymore I think that There's no Rule Other than it's got to follow its course I mean, it just goes in so many different ways And, man, you know what I'm hearing from this is You know, Sock, you have your own Ways of discovering Different ways to get over life experiences And, man Guys need that Women need it too Because we're a bunch of guys on this call right now I mean, man, men need that And some direction and You know, one thing that is so difficult Is as soon as we have Rules they get enforced and everything gets Fucked up and that's really why we Really try and keep things about principles And suggestions and all that sort of stuff Because, man Everybody's going to do it different You know, your Way of getting over Your stuff is going to be different than me And everybody else in these different Groups but if we can come on And unify towards being A better person Being somebody that Really the best expression of ourselves Like I really feel that I don't care about You know, being top of society Or I don't even want that to be a standard In the whole TSL kind of Regiment just because I think that causes The vision but to be the best expression Of myself, you know, to Know what that means, learn And, man, this is what I really like about What you're bringing to the table is What responsibility means, learn what Responsibility means, you know, learn What your image of Who you are means and stand for that Man, that is something That I think we can all find benefit from And, you know, since we're already Dialogueing here, guys, if you have Something that you want to Say Or mention or whatever Just type it into the chat box If you're on the phone, you don't have a chat box So you'll have to speak up, wait for a break But we'll let you talk if you voice yourself And, um, Yeah, type it into the chat box or You know, unmute yourself and Talk, whatever it is But let's make this into a dialogue Because the worst thing in the world Can be is that if everybody thinks TSL is Me, because clearly If you're a part of this, man, if you're a part Of this program, you know it's not, man, it's fucking And that's the worst thing about writing Is you do it alone And it's a solitary, you know, typically It's a solitary pursuit, and so When I write, I don't get to hear this I don't get to hear this You're talking, you're talking There was an echo, sorry about that Here we go Okay, now, if it's echo, I can talk Over my own echo, that'll be fine A little discobabulating, but that'll be all right So what I found with writing is that You don't have a connection with real love Live breathing, feeling Human beings, and it's really hard To write in, you know, basically An echo chamber of your own head And kind of project what could be out there And so what you end up doing is a lot Of self-projection, so what you're going To see in my writings are really me Talking to myself, and They're underscoring a lot of the Personal failures that I've seen and Can sit down and say, God, I wish I would have known that, or even my Own self-development, having, you know I spend a tremendous amount of time researching The stuff that I write about, you know, takes About 10 to 15 hours of just Research and writing and doing that stuff Before I even start to write the blog As short as they are But, you know, to sit down and have Somebody else talk, ask questions That's a privilege I don't get to See or experience often, so I'd love to hear from the guys I have a question for you Go ahead, Rick You know, so there's the Talk about girlfriends, there's talk About, you know, different things, right But man, so often I know Myself and I know other guys here Will run into resistance You know, like It's like, man, I'm getting pleasure Out of, you know, eating this pizza So why make the change And you're just resistant to it You know, or somebody's like Man, you know, if I Why go up and talk to the girl You know, because, man, I'm probably Going to get blown out or whatever So I'm just not going to do it There's all these different expressions Right How do you deal with, how does SAC Deal with resistance, how do you think In just the most simplest way How would you deal with resistance Or think people should deal with resistance I would sit down and say that there's always Dissociated fear of it And what I found to be really beneficial In my life is to call things For what they are So for example, if I'm craving A lot of carbohydrate or bread And I'm supposed to be in an anti-inflammatory diet I know that my body produces Or will metabolize that as sugar I need to call that low for bread You know, three tablespoons of sugar You know, if I don't I'm kind of making up political correct terms To make it acceptable to have it Or to make it acceptable To resist the things I know I need to do to develop You know, certain things For example, if I know I'm trying to be more social And I need to learn to open girls Or whatever it is And I'm all of a sudden afraid Of doing it or resisting Really sit in and go, God, I don't want to do this one I sit down and say, all right, let's talk about it Let's don't force yourself to do it What am I resisting and turning into it And then call it up by name You know, in many cases I'm resisting something Because it's not in my sense reality And if it's a particular girl I have to sit down and say, why What is it that she's exuding Or I'm projecting that tells me That she's not in my sense of reality And is that true? You know, and I'm not saying that Anybody is in your sense of reality I think there are very many instances where we know What is it? You know, am I not congruent With who I would project Or who I anticipate her to Want or like or be sexually attracted to Sometimes these things are mythological They're only in our head And to acknowledge it and call it by name And address it at a base level It's hard to be beneficial to overcome A lot of the resistance Other things are saying If I know I need to work out And I'm resisting going Why am I resisting? What is it? Is my body telling me something that you're over-training Or you're not having enough sleep Or you're over-stressed That's more detrimental than not working out I need to acknowledge and find the root causes of that You know That's good So, Sacrity is right But like man I think every one of us here When we're in our blind spot Can really be good at justifying It seems like it might be almost impossible To do by ourselves Do you think that may be true And the second thing is If we do need others How can we, as others Who are trying to support people Help people with that I hear call it out But man, sometimes I've called out To understand They say they want to change But at the same time I kind of say Well, I guess you don't want to change But I wonder where you I think that they're not wanting to change Because the reward for not changing Is more beneficial immediately Than the rewards for the potential For change You know, for example A lot of guys will stay in a relationship Way longer And I'm speaking specifically from personal And not willing to Cut a relationship short When you don't necessarily know everything But you know it's not working quite out Or it's not what you really want And waiting for a true failure point And because the threat Of being alone Isolated, invalidated from the relationships Whatever benefit you have The familiarity pattern The chemical responses you get From being around that Outweighs the risk of being alone And so consequently I think We will cling to these sort of unhealthy Relationships or relationships That should probably finish a lot earlier Because we don't have you know And there's a number of ways they coin it Abundancy, mentality or a willingness To go it alone To face that kind of fear Or to face that measure of She's going to find someone Well sooner than I will And the invalidation that comes with that And I think there's a tremendous To the drivers that drive Our behavior. I think In many cases for example I'm an introvert by nature I will enjoy sitting down and watching people As opposed to go open a number of women That I may want to talk to And I at times will sit down Intentionally know I could, I should But I'm deciding not to And if I'm deciding not to That's completely different than resisting Something else, it's a conscious decision When it's a conscious decision I no longer roll by And if I wanted to change that reality I have to do something about it Knowledge and awareness Won't change anything You have to put conscious action behind Something to make it real Cool Socrates, that last example That might be a good one because I know a lot of guys In the group might find it helpful Right Hey, you know they want to meet People, they want to talk to people But they're constantly choosing I just want to sit here and watch But at the same time They have that complaint Right, that they're not meeting And so there's a justification And they're like, hey Socrates said If I just acknowledge and say I just want to sit here Then they don't make the change There's really an underlying of resistance Right It's possible People can be really good at justifying stuff And I'm no different I'm no different whatsoever But I also own it That if I'm not willing to act on the things that I know And do the efforts to get good At what I need to do to get what I want No one's held accountable but myself Very true A mentor a long time ago used to tell me He said, man He goes, if you're in a pile of shit Just at least amidst your in a pile of shit Because one day at least you'll realize That you are and you'll know the way to get out of it Correct, yeah Amidst yourself you're stuck in a pile of shit And keep pretending it's a bed of roses You'll be like Where am I? Why am I stuck? I don't get it So totally get the idea of Being open and honest about At least if you're choosing to be stuck Amidst being chosen to be stuck If I got you correctly It's not just being stuck It's where you're at If you sit down and say this is where I'm at And this is a snapshot That's where you're at If you're saying this is where I'm at And I can't do any better Because I'm not willing to put the time in Well, that's not the circumstance anymore That's you And that again is taking ownership Of the things that you truly are If in person Since you sit down and say I really want to get That particular girl And just going across and saying Hi, I know it's not going to be good And I'm going to flaunder myself That self-esteem is going to take a hit I would honestly sit down and say you're better off Doing the baby steps And I don't necessarily mean baby steps To be derogatory But the small consistent steps over time To build that self-esteem Self-awareness, self-respect And actually be the interesting guy That you know you are You could be That's going to be attracted by her That she's going to be attractive And be the type of guy she's going to be attractive To be upset and say you just need to open You know I've seen that to be catastrophic For guys that get blown out Or crushed or their self-esteem is in that Because they had unrealistic expectations Of what would occur It may be as simple as saying hey Of course yourself just go over say hi And get the hell out Do nothing more than say hi and walk away Hey, how you doing? Walk off If you can do that and that's all you need to achieve Go do it You know a lot of times I think behind Isn't the initial thing that we're trying to achieve It's a lot of back loaded elements behind it It's going over saying hi While on the chick sweeping her off her feet Having sex with her and having this amazing relationship You know and that's completely different Than having a guy just go over and say hi I totally got it You know I always wonder About that deeper stuff Like me personally right And I know this is being recorded But like man I've had multiple hip surgeries And I realized And I realized that the man That I was or that I want to be Right and yet I've been in and out of physical therapy multiple times And so I'm like so hung on To that ass That it really makes me resist The future of who I am right now Correct, yep Get that right now and own that But doesn't change anything Right So that's another thing then I'm talking and I'm thinking How can I play it directly to me I know I've been asking you to do the same thing Right So that's where I'm at I've admitted that The guys here that I've talked to But like how do I create change If I really want to Because man it's just a lot easier Just to hold on to the saying hey You know this is who I am Right You know and there are some The fitness guys that Steve was talking about Will sit down and tell you You know you have to have a Particular physique and genetics To be a world class weightlifting You know to compete at those levels You know but that does not mean That you can't take the same Degree of intensity, training Smart and become The vastly better individual Physically that you could have become You know and again You know the notion on that Comparing yourself to other projections Or other standards but to your potential What's your potential And are you achieving it Cool, in comparison it's a huge thing You know Oh god it's terrible to do You know it's one to use it as A guidepost but to really Measure yourself by any other Standards than yourself is really detrimental Especially when you're the one Not setting the standards Yeah because I mean I find myself You know I can either make myself A king or a pulper Right Great look at me compare to all these And it's funny like I teach like this Martial art thing Right and one of my Students was talking about And he felt all this pressure He's like you don't get it Everybody gets a doctorate these days Yeah for sure Well I go Because everybody it took the ambiguity Right because people get stuck in It turned out to be like three People that he knew Their doctorate and he was Competing with those three people And once he felt Real straight way like you're talking about He was like oh dude I guess I'm just competing with these Three people everybody does it And then it became about he wanted To compete with those people Or that he wanted his doctorate Right yep And the same thing is true of hero worship You know if you have a number of Childhood heroes, personal heroes you Develop in life or whatever it is You know what we do is we don't sit down And say these people are inspirations They transcend inspirations and they become A mile marker that we measure on own Like so you know in many instances That we don't know realize that there was A very human element to these individuals We also have a tendency To cause it of all these hero Ideas and all these standards And expect us to measure be measured Across the entire spectrum of it And that is terribly unfair to ourselves You know and the last part of all That is the notion that the voice Inside your head is actually You know and there's kind of This element of Zen philosophy that I've heard totally had kind of Come up with and I'm giving credit To him because it's not mine But that you know your brain is And unfortunately has the capacity For voice you know Your thoughts inside your head But like any orgasm self-preservation Is its major function And the reality is that your brain Will say and do things Because it has its own agenda Self-esteem self-protection You're not good enough You're not handsome enough You can't do this or whatever it is And it's there to protect the body But the issue is that's not you You're the conscious awareness behind That voice that's completely Different than saying I'm this individual Having all these horrible self-thoughts Or self-projection thoughts or thoughts of hate That's my mind going off And that's an organ and like organs It should be under my control And I think the first part is To recognize it and call it out for what it is You know so when I have all these horrible Crazy thoughts or ideas of You know lack of self-worth I sit down and go is that honestly me talking Or is that my mind You know and there's a difference You know and sometimes that takes off A tremendous amount of pressure and anxiety You know and anxiety is always Associated with future performance Depression is always past performance You know so if I'm suffering anxiety I know it's about future production So let me chime in here Because we've talked about a lot Of stuff What is it that you want To move in talking about Like what is the I guess the next 21 convention Is going to be in Tampa Pretty crazy I haven't gotten a news That's the first news for me Oh I had only heard it from Zuzu but I'll see Anthony In a week Yeah you will It's so hard to keep up because I have my own stuff going on I don't always check In what is happening with him But yeah what's the next thing On the horizon for you What's the big thing that you feel The message you want to put out there And evolve and kind of workshop With guys and that sort of stuff To be honest I'm about 25 posts right now That I've gotten already listed out That I know I want to make Oh my god you are a checklist nut Are you serious? I completed 53 now originally It was only 12 so it's expanded As I started doing my own research This really needs its own subject So I parse it out so for example When I talk about relationship skills I will sit down and have written Let's say 12 different blog posts On specific skills you know Whether it's boundary setting Communication skills active listening Those are skills I also talk about Basically maintenance Actually let me skip one I also talk about management I also talk about the management skills You need to do within a relationship And that's apart from the actual relationship skills How you manage a relationship Is its own subject area So it's like a complete chapter Within a chapter I think I have another 12 Post just on management issues Associated with relationships I'm currently in the middle I can't say honestly though I'm at the beginning relatively First quarter of relationship maintenance And dealing with all the things you need to do To be able to maintain a relationship Because I don't think most men know Most men aren't having Had life experiences in corporations Or organizations where maintenance Was a very critical element to success I happen to be very lucky And was exposed to organizations That had maintenance And training as critical components To their overall mission objectives As far as their organizations were concerned So that I'm writing those now And then ultimately I'll need to be talking about Host elements How to handle a breakup I think is an enormous Subject that would be several posts long How to recover from one How to also end a relationship I know I talked briefly at one of the conventions About ending a relationship appropriately What to recognize the signs How to do it appropriately and so forth And then ultimately What are the gears for marriage And what are the things you're going to need to be looking for And this one becomes really Politically active for me And it's been kind of a number of issues There's some political and financial elements There's contract law to consider Right now marriages Are all under family law While we can talk about prenuptial agreements It's very limiting And it doesn't deal anything With child custody or arrangements With dealing with custody And I think there's an area within law That we can take marriage relations Out of family law And put them in civil law Where you're actually treated equally And that would be terribly telling So I think there could be a lot of stuff on that And stuff that I quite honestly I have not read or heard from anybody It's just basically going through Looking at this stuff Talking to a number of lawyer friends of mine That deal with either divorce Or child custody issues And kind of seeking that sort of stuff out To sit down and say how do we protect ourselves If we're going to go into this institution Called marriage And that the only part that's valid Economically and contractually Are the economic side How do you protect yourself And not necessarily say Protective in the defense of nature But how do you put the incentives Back into marriage When they've been removed Culturally, politically, and legally And that's a terribly profound element And so I think in all I'm working towards those sort of elements And if I'm lucky enough To write one blog post every two weeks I've got enough work for a year And right now I have not written a blog post In two months because of work And my illness Yeah, no you're not If I'm asked to talk again I have no idea what I'm going to talk about So I'm always kind of Surprised at the conversations So let's go over this Like I've got two questions I'll start with One that's a little bit more negative But how does one handle a breakup You know, I mean this is Like so here's something with So you hear all the time like How are you supposed to act all that sort of shit Man, you're in love You've experienced life together And it's just not working Man, people don't have direction on that shit And they fuck every I have, I mean Jesus And I've experienced firsthand is that People that don't know how to Break up appropriately Will break up inappropriately And they will do the most Egregious, harmful, deceitful And ugly things Things that they will be ashamed of Things that they will later be humiliated by Things that they'll be haunted by Now that doesn't help you out at all Unfortunately you'll do the same thing If you do not know how to Get out of a relationship honestly To place accountability Where it's truly due, for example But the two rules that I was seeing simultaneously Over two years, two and a half years To sit down and say look, these are my emotional And physical and sexual needs They're not being met in this relationship Or I can't be under this This number of The committed relationship in this place In my life right now And not willing to own up to it appropriately I'll step out Because my base biological needs Will trump social convention And that's Maslow's hierarchy of needs We will protect And defend ourselves at base biological needs level Far more than we will On a civil level And so based on that, I will act out I will have affairs, I will get caught I will be the jerk that Will end up ending the relationship In a way in which I wouldn't have done You know, appropriately So recognizing that And then to sit down and say I don't have enough to do it Recognize when is it appropriate To break up, to end a relationship What is the definition Kind of a healthy relationship If you don't have trust and respect What are you working on? Is it just base biological attraction And talking? That's not going to last long And not be particularly healthy And know what those good Social boundary triggers are For terminating relationships And I mean like parents Or mothers or fathers With siblings, with friends With external family Within intimate relationships When is it appropriate to end a relationship And to acknowledge those sort of things The other is quite honestly Knowing that it's over There are a lot of guys that will act out In defiance Of a reality And they will do outrageously Harmful things to themselves They will lash out physically They will lash out on property They will make death threats All the typical Forerable boyfriend soccer type material Not that women won't do it It's just that guys tend to do more damage And therefore we get more press And you have a feminized media That tends to only publicize When men behave abominably You could say You have a lot of problems of knowledge in it Is even one of the things That's not coming to terms with the reality Something that I would do Because I would get back together You know Because it feels good But the end result Was always really terrible When I did that So it's a tough thing And man I'll say that It's actually not so funny But kind of funny is Men may act out in certain ways You know Usually there's so much Guy Physicality Domination when they're acting out Man when women act out It's usually a little bit more There's a few more steps to it Where I'd say When women seek revenge They go fucking crazy They go crazy And they get away with it though too Oh big time This is like a war campaign They lay out a fucking plan They like enlist help This is It's like stepping in front of a free train Yeah And they will do things to Psychologically damage you And to Really lay a demon seed in your mind You know and I've seen In personal experience that as well Oh I've lived it I mean Man is that once again I mean my big thing with TSL Is not to cause a divide But there's differences And those differences are huge And man I think before the call We were talking about it a little bit Maybe it was on a mask We talked about this shit a lot But The problem with like men's issues Or I was just talking to Maria about this With the About rape culture you're seeing that a lot Is It's like Man these things are dividing people And making it an us against them And making rules And things that have to be done Which that's not the case Man there is some inequality Some fucked up things happening But enforcement of a societal rule I really disagree with Because that's where we stop interacting personally We stop recognizing that Our individual strengths Our individual connections are the most important thing Bottom line is Is my relationship with somebody is dependent upon me And that other person And And we make the rules That goes for sex That goes for how we talk That goes for what's fair And all that sort of stuff And what we see with this men's right stuff And this women's right stuff Is these people are fucking dividing so much And even more is like Every single one of my female friends says They're a feminist and they seem They're normal They're not the Whatever That is generally represented With these over the top claims Or whatever But oftentimes When I bring up stuff about men It's like God First off women have had Laws that aren't so favorable For them Men in prison There's more men in prison There's more men incarcerated There's the expectation And pressure for men How to be a man All that sort of stuff We don't have any direction towards that either What teaches us what that is We're also not normally allowed to talk about it You talk about the whole pickup community With an underground reaction That cannot be voiced openly And I find that Terribly, terribly unhealthy For example You have complete departments on women's studies But to sit down and say that men Have rights too Tends to set off real feminist thought And most women will Identify with feminism They don't really know what it is They don't know the penance of it They don't know the history They just kind of know the ramifications Within the mainstream And that's not the same thing as talking To a dying wolf feminist I've had friends that were dying Of wolf feminists and because I cultivated As of lately A lot of the friendships I've had to let go Because they were toxic and unhealthy You brought up the notion of rape culture I think developing An awareness of rape culture Is appropriate where it's honest And truthful but where it's intentionally In an untruthful And damages social connections And social fabric and is designed To do just that I've got to stand in opposition of it Morally And I tend to take an active vocal element on it For example, I think one of the Facebook posts I said is like Don't be that guy campaign Talking about if she's drunk And passed out, don't rape her Passed out and the inebriation Is not consent Well the reality is most rapes don't occur that way Most rapes are They know the individual They also sit down and say that If you look at the Department of Justice Group that actually does it For sex offender management Will tell you rapists are repeat offenders Not only that, they share A cluster of behavioral and personality Traits that are consistent Now at no point have I ever seen A feminist organization take that information Seriously and publicize it Sometime it would have been highly effective To sit down and say, okay You got raped, report it Prosecute it, and don't let it slide That would be effective Okay, and because it's based In truth and effective management But to sit down and shame Every man is a potential rapist Because he is a penis That's gender biases That's a form of gender bigotry And feminism, true feminism Is rampant in that And one of the things that I'd say too Should look for the solution Man, I think so much In How we see Whatever you want to call it, sexism Or even the idea of rape Or rape culture Is we see the solution is to blame And demonize other people And, man The thing is, is this It does nothing for the The people Involved, I mean My sex life started out Where I didn't get raped but my girlfriend Kidnapped and it was really Fucked up thing And the guys didn't get caught They just recently got caught We're talking about 16, 17 years later The detective Called me a couple weeks ago About all this witness stuff And the thing is Man For a long time, for years I didn't accept that I mean, I saw the people Right, yeah, it's very real It was such a Of course, more real to her And her stance is that She doesn't want the prosecution done And all that sort of stuff But, man, everybody involved in that Had to let go of it I learned a lot About life through that And a lot about myself It created a lot of chaos Of course, you have to own it It's part of you, it's your responsibility To, you know, live within that And, you know, found happiness For myself from that The thing is, is that, man, demonizing People who did some, like, brutally Like violent stuff It was not the solution for me It was not the solution For her, you know Her reason, and of course She would be better represented Talking to herself, but She would be out to do this again And the thing is, is that Man, we think that it's become Such a blame game That it's such a, like, an order to be a person And let's fucking take the feminism Out of it, or the masculine Men's right stuff out of it But so much in our society We can't even be responsible for ourselves So that in order to be a person And have a sense of identity and responsibility It is somehow Valued How much we disagree with somebody How much we can blame Somebody for something How much we can get attention Drawn towards ourselves Rather than the stuff within us And how we react to it Yeah, we focus on the differences Rather than the connections We see that with relationships We see that with how people Value success And, man, it's just It's so warped, and I really think Get into identity, who we are as a person And, Man, relate that Connect that real shit To another person We stop giving a shit about All this Justin Bieber or You know, whatever Sensational Miley Cyrus Stuff to define us And, you know, that goes the same For our causes The moment a cause becomes more Important than my actual opinion Than, man, it's ridiculous You know, TSL Is a cause that I believe in But I live it And it's dependent upon me being me If I can't integrate those principles into myself And live them daily, then I have Nothing to bring to the table to this group And the same goes for everybody in this group And that's what we unify on Anyway, Jim, what were you about to say? I just Wanted to rewind a little bit A couple of things that you mentioned Suck, I think Are going to be a Real practical value To the greatest number of us In the short term Are How to break up well Right, and maybe more importantly How to know when to go I mean, let's take all the legal Contractual obligations out of it And long before you get to marriage Just how do you know when to go And how do you break up Gracefully And you know There isn't easy answers You know, I can sit down and give a list of it You know, if the relationship Is no longer centered on Trust and respect And I focus on those two specifically If somebody is doing something That violates trust And I can no longer trust Meaning that the trust was Violated and I have belief And understanding that it will continue I don't have a relationship With that individual anymore Not a healthy one If they're acting In disrespectful ways That are truthful And honest And they truly are disrespectful And I'm voiced them and they're aware of it And they understand the damage that is being done If they continue to do that I no longer have a healthy relationship So on those two alone I'm willing to act In many ways you're not Certain that Is redeemable and people want to cling to it Because we have so much invested Equity-wise already in the relationship We've invested emotionally To the projected narrative Our accepted past narrative And all these sort of things combined Plus the very real physical And emotional responses And values we're getting out of it But the problem is that I also recognize When I'm in a relationship There's being trust And respect being violated I can't respect myself And I have to be willing To let go of relationships In which I no longer respect myself For being in And that may mean it's no longer An intimate relationship that we can be friends But I'm not going to have an intimate relationship With a woman in which I can't trust and respect Or that there's a gross continuing Violation of those tenants And so I will act on it I say that having probably been Successful only a handful of times And I say fairly recently In the latter part of my life And it has made a tremendous impact On the quality of my life For example, in the military When I was in the Army They tell you typically don't hear The bullet that misses you You'll never be aware of it, but you're still alive Because of it. And I feel the same way With some of these toxic relationships I don't need to feel the bullet's Impact or the drama or the kinetic energy Of where this is going to be Before I'm willing to let it go I've seen people And I'm mentoring some people That basically are currently experiencing That impact and are refusing To let go, you know And I'm like, you know, what are you getting out of this You know, and that's terribly unhealthy And in one instance It's affecting him materially Personally and legally at this point Because of how long it's been going I'd much rather let it go And give it time And if the person's quality You can re-establish the relationship And re-garner that trust and respect But where you're at now And the path you're going and the direction you're going I don't need to connect all the dots To paint the picture I don't have to do a paint by number Same thing to understand the trajectory Of this relationship And if it's not going where I'd like to go Or where I can respect myself Or the responsibility of letting that go To myself That's great Salk, given your level of understanding And your ability to communicate Those are really the two things that I think Can be of the greatest practical use To the greatest number of men Yep And that's one of the reasons why the first speech When do we go? When do we go and how do we leave gracefully? Right, yeah If the first speech of the No one can mention, I speak of that at the latter half Of it It was the first time I was really publicly speaking So there's some just some egregious use Of the term aspect, the word aspect But at the latter half I spoke directly to Why and when do you break up with somebody And how to do it And for example, I think in the talk I talked to a friend who He was very brutal, very, very upfront He walked up to the door of this gal that He was seeing, cared very much For and basically said, look You know, she nods, she answers She goes, you have the key And he goes, I know, and he gives it to her And he goes, I can't do this I can't be in this relationship With you under these circumstances For the following reasons And he goes, I love you I miss you already But I can't do this to you And more importantly, I cannot do it to myself And he basically walked up And just shot her in the head Now, she knew kind of in the background Things weren't right, but she was Willing to coast things along And willing to write it out In either hopes or in failure Saying, I need and demand More for myself, and it was up to him And he saw at that time To demand more of himself for her Okay, and also And what he also clearly said He demanded to have more respect for himself And so he terminated it fairly brutally You know, fairly straightforward, it was cold And he never spoken to her again And he had to not speak to her Because if he came back in contact with her He would let her back in, and he knew that And so that's awful You know, the hard part is recidivism Of going back to the relationship Other times, you can I hate to do this I gotta cut you guys short I gotta wrap this up because I gotta get out of here But that all being said You guys are more than welcome To stay on the line and talk On this line for two hours It's been a long time I think we're over our time I'm basically gonna leave this up I gotta go, I'm gonna stop recording now Or here in a second, but how do people Get in touch with you? We've talked about ManningUpSmart.com Yeah, the best way you can Contact me through ManningUpSmart.com And you can email me directly through there Luckily the blog numbers Are relatively low enough That I'm able to respond I'm writing to everybody who emails me Maybe a little bit of time But I promise I will get back to you In many instances It's a carry on conversation That keeps rolling over a couple months That's fantastic And that's probably the best way to do it I try to make the responses Not necessarily heard But I try to make them meaningful as possible And so right now I'm in a position Where I can do that So I'm more than welcome to take more conversations I definitely want you back, man If we could do this more Just because I know a lot of guys Want to ask you stuff It just means it'll be even better Next time Man, the TSL group Is a very affluent group Of guys that Might just be like, hey How do I get out of the house How do I break up with this girl How do I have a better sex life But we all Are very open people Man, you can bail Whenever you want I'm going to stop recording now I really appreciate this This was an excellent call And Man, thank you so much For doing this It was really badass Yeah, I loved it It was a privilege And I'm happy to provide value back All right guys It's been a pleasure recording this You're going to be back again Most likely we'll be doing a video interview Check out more from Socrates At manningfsmart.com Also watch his videos 21convention.com And you can find out more about the sexual life And TSL evolution At thesexuallife.com Thanks for listening, enjoy