 You're about to be entertained by some of the biggest names in show business for the next hour and 30 minutes This program will present in person such bright stars as Louis Calhoun Jack Carter Florence Desmond Jimmy Durrani Martha Ray Fran Warren Meredith Wilson and my name darlings is to Lula Bankhead The National Broadcasting Company presents the big show The The big show 90 minutes with the most scintillating personalities in the entertainment world Brought to you this Sunday and every Sunday at the same time as the Sunday feature of NBC's all-star festival And here is your hostess the glamorous unpredictable to Lula Bankhead Well darlings these Sundays are really getting to be a struggle In the first place the rehearsals on this show are called by director who i'm sure despises me He deliberately created a new hour of the day which he calls 10 a.m Have you ever heard of it darlings? Of course not. I could do And he tried to tell me it was quite popular Gasp Well to give you an idea what I have to go through to get here on time I brought today's page for my appointment calendar now you listen to this 7 a.m Open eyes 701 the close them again for five minutes more sleep 9 30 a.m open eyes 9 35 smoker hearty breakfast 9 45 shave Oh, yes that impossible person in the next apartment with that reverting electric razor every morning at the same time And I just know she does it to annoy me Probably a television actress 10 o'clock rehearsal a 10 30 open eyes. Well, you can close them to loo Very darling, you look very nice today. And why not I woke up on the right side of my nose Well, that's quite a feat they were there too You know to loo It's my daily routine that keeps me so beautiful Every morning when I get up at the aster hotel. I steps over to the window and open There's broadway. I inhale Where's broadway That's what I do when I'm looking for the lines I exhale I exhale there's broadway Inhale exhale inhale exhale. Yes. Yes. No one of the streets are all torn off Every morning I take off my pajamas shocking pink The pajamas not me And I slips into my dressing gown lavin the blue Not the dressing gown me It's a genuine imported raglan sleeve a Chinese silk dressing gown that grows on you the silk worms refuse to lay off They're still working on it. That's right to lose strong union They should hang by the rope who wrote that I take four giant steps to the shower When I want hot water, I turn down the cold water when I want the cold water I turn on the hot water for the first time I ever saw a tub with cross-eyed faucets Not Jimmy. How can you stand there with a straight face and Chilu chilu I admit what my equipment. It's hard to do Now after my shower I put on my custom-made underwear the kind that never wears out I know darling strong union suits I That one crept up on me Creep on with your story. Jimmy. You're in your underwear. Get going. Where can I go in my underwear? Oh, jimmy. I wish you'd come back to the subject. I'm so confused. You know how busy my Sundays are I find it difficult to keep track of what's going on. Lucky for you. I'm here chilu What you need in this show is a junior mistress of ceremonies and that's me Ha ha. Look junior miss. This is a big job. You have to handle such great stars as Malena Dietrich Ethel Merman glorious swanson. I can handle them And such great stars it adds your pincer, Charles Boyer, Clifton Webb You handle who you like. I'll handle who I like But jimmy, I don't think you're right for the job Of course, I'm right. You've got high-class stars You need a high-class character like myself to introduce them. I'm the equal of those big stars Maybe more equal because Now nobody snubs the ranny unless they don't understand Just what high-class stuff is all about My heritage is not well known and high society Should pay attention while I let the news Get out Some people boast about how old their family is. Well, I want to tell you something. My family is so old It's been condemned You've heard of Henry VIII And good old Louis Catois I'll inform you of my title Please post no applause I'm James V Descendant from a long line of the rannies How do you do? I'm James V The idol of my uncle and my annies And how are you? Why does a lot of James in history Look back through your courses. There's Jesse James, home James, and James don't spare the horses I'm James V When I walk in I'll get a royal greeting Oh what a meeting They should appreciate my position And my brain Not that I'm big Quiet and leave function I'm a hip Always eating olives and swallowing the pit I'm James V So let's have no laughter. I was named after a fifth of champagne You know My title gives me a social position. I'm forced to uphold Nobody out snubs the rannies. If someone looks down as knows at me I look down my nose at him No, today I'm playing PS 22 I don't want to put on airs the the rannies always had two swimming pools One for swimming and one for rinsing off Snuck that one in on me Why did the rannies were famous before Fulton invented the fish market? The rannies were popular before Edison invented the electric bill The rannies were distinguished before Washington invented the cherry tree My family goes back so far Not only can I tell you all about Adam. I can also tell you about Eve Yes, I'm James V So let's have no laughter. Of course. I was named after a fifth of champagne Yes, sir As always the incomparable Jimmy Duranty, thank you to do May I return to compliment and say that I think your income uh your income You're incompatible too Well, Talu, when do we start mastering the ceremony? Hello, Talu, uh, Brad Warren Brad, what are you going to sing for us? Well, I thought I'd sing stop the music hold the dialogue If I'm the assistant mc. I got to check the routine You mean you take care of all the engagements on the show, Jimmy and the weddings too Now let me see where I put you down on the list. Oh, if I only had a pair of glasses that could read Oh, here it is D. Jimmy D for Warren D for Dahl I got a million of a million See you later, Talu D for Dahl I had Duranty of the Newt Lamerson Unpresentable Talu LaBonkite What are you going to sing for us? I had my picture in parade the sunday picture magazine Oh, that's an odd title for a song No, Talu La Parade is a news magazine. It had a picture with me last week. You've heard of parade Heard of it darling. I am parade Watch your song friend till I met you. Oh, yes Meredith Wilson's new and lovely ballad that has blossomed into such a big hit Hit Meredith Wilson if you please darling On the hill, but I know I met you This week with proper pride Metro golden mayor Premiers at radio city music hall in new york its newest and most certainly one of its finest moving pictures the magnificent yankee We on the big show darlings are happy To share this pride But we feel that here is a picture that every american must see Must delight in Must learn from We're proud too tonight That we can premiere a portion of this picture and welcome its star Mr. Louis Calhoun Mr. Calhoun gives us a brilliant portrayal of a man who After more than three quarters of a century of service to his country Could find no worthier beneficiary for his entire fortune And to name sole heir to his last will and testament The nation he fought and lived for For these our own united states of america Here is mr. Louis Calhoun in his fine portrayal of mr. Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes A scene for mgm's great new picture the magnificent yankee from the time Oliver Wendell Holmes first came to washington from boston To assume his place as an associate justice of the united states supreme court The magnificent yankee was responsible for three famous institutions His world-famed dissenting opinions His father in regard for the annual succession of bright young secretaries Sent him by harbored law school and his unswerving love And devotion to his wife fanny Our scene opens in the washington home of oliver wendell Holmes on sunday evening in march 1921 His wife fanny Wearing her 80 years as gracefully as the judge Yet betraying an air of suppressed excitement lends him a hand with his white tie You know The man who invented the bullseye mirror ought to be fried in hay days Hold still wendell. I'll fix your time. Woman. We've been dining out at pot houses for a good many years without all this fuss and feathers Why do I have to get myself up in this tailcoat and boil shirt? Why darling? Didn't I explain? You're 80 years young today and i'm going to show you off before someone else thinks of it You don't mind do you woman? You're a dangerous and beautiful creature. Hmm. That's what you say to every pretty woman you meet That's perfectly true, but with the rest of them. I never mean it Now don't keep me waiting. Oh, oh, there's one thing more. Yes, the lord I do not wish to take you out on the false pretenses. I want you to know that I do not feel 80 well, I should hope not I certainly should hope not Well, I'll wait for you in the library Well, break my secretary's don't work Sunday nights. What brings you back at this hour? Oh, uh Well, I was just passing sir and uh, I suddenly remember these papers. I I meant to bring them over this afternoon Oh, that's all right my boy everything in order. Yes, sir Well, good evening, sir. Hold on there. Where are you off to all tugged out like this? Some woman got you in total. Oh, no, sir. I'm uh I'm just on my way to a little party with some of the boys. Lucky dog. Yes, sir. Good evening, sir Another of my sons Ready my dear great heavens woman. How on earth did you get in here without my hearing you? Oh, it's nothing just a little trick. I've been saving up for your birthday All the new england witches knew how to do it. You are a witch, you know The loveliest it ever was come along now. Let's get out of here before I make a fool of myself over you in my own house, too Mr. Justice Happy birthday, sir Well, I'll be bloated the chain gang Every one of my secretaries since the beginning one for every year since I've been in washington all 20 of you And you've come down here from all over the country just to watch an old man turn 80 Well, I I don't quite know what to say except Thank you Thank you, my sons Well, okay, fanny you have to blame for this sure Is that all you can say on an occasion like this speech speech All right, but if I don't come up to expectations remember You asked for it When I was a boy I was better at this kind of thing I had to be whether I liked it or not because my father always liked to have Witty people about him, especially at the breakfast table So if I said anything good father made sure that I got an extra helping of marmalade I have not been able to face that darn stuff ever since But if ever a man wanted to Earn a bit of marmalade I do tonight You've been pretty good boys, you know Some of you have turned out to be pretty important pumpkins and I couldn't be prouder of you if you were my own Sons Well you are you know you You are my sons in a way. You're my sons at law you might say Oh I'm sorry Even my father couldn't have inflicted a worse pun than that Oh, I Wish I had something special to pass on to you fellas at a time like this I will say this I have always had the idea But when I got to before score I could wrap my life up in a scroll tie a pink ribbon round it Put it away in a drawer and go around doing the things that I always Wanted to do But I'm just beginning to see once more That the good fight is never over When you've taken one trench, there's always a new firing line Just beyond And that's as it should be Don't ask me why All I know is A man must go on charting his course by Stars he has never seen Must keep searching with a divining rod for Springs he May never reach because Well, that's enough of this preaching Danny How are we going to cheer these fellows now that mr. Bolstead's moral tornado has become the law Of the land. It's all arranged. The champagne is cooling downstairs. Oh, it's all very legal We've had it for years very well Gentlemen in that case We'll drink to the united states of america And a new firing line And it's next chief justice oliver wendell holmes Sorry to disappoint you boys White is retiring but the president wants a conservative and I think Taft will be the man I'm Old Besides I never did understand ambition for high office. Oh, it's not to be despised if it comes your way But the real challenge of life is to try to touch the superlative entirely on your own No outsider can help you The Approval of friends Is welcome. It gives you confidence It gives you Hope but don't you youngsters hope for the wrong thing Any Do we get anything to go with that champagne or do we forage in the neighborhood for our supper Silly we have a wonderful buffet already downstairs and a wonderful cake too with 81 candles What's the extra one for that my dear is for you to grow Go along children. I'm hungry and you I know are thirsty Wendell Coming my dear coming Wendell it doesn't really matter does it about being chief justice. No not really But just for a moment I I caught something in the boy's eyes, you know, they might have liked it Fanny I felt like a father who had let his sons down Well, they're not my sons They're just a fresh lot of young scamps from Harvard listened to them now drinking my liquor and singing about how good it is to rejoice when you're young But they don't know Fanny The real trick is to rejoice when you're 80 Fanny what the devil am I talking about anyway? I'm sure I don't know Wendell and if I did I wouldn't tell you Well, let's go down my dear and join our sons Thank you Louis Callaghan come over here with me darling. How are you sweetie? Louis stop bowing Oh, hello. Hello to lula. Hello darling Of all the great stars who have appeared on this program. Yes to lula. You are the tallest No, no, I was just joking. No darling. You really was superb in that except from the magnificent southerner The magnificent janky. There is no such thing as a magnificent Yankee Surely there must be some good Yankees the only magnificent Yankee I can think of is joe de madgeo And I wish you were a magnificent giants Darling, you are a magnificent woman even though, uh, you are standing in front of me again You never used to mind that in the old days, Louis darling in the old days You could stand in front of me and the audience could still see me Forgive me, Louis a performer must never stand in front of another performer during your scene I should know that after all I've been in the fitter as far back as I can remember as far back as anybody can remember darling Well, uh, Louis dear Do come back and be on the show again with us next Monday. Won't you pet? Would you do the show on sunday? Yes, darling You're the same old to lula older. No Oh, Louis, I'm not gonna stand here parring word if you you are after all one of the theaters most accomplished actors I don't care what anyone says What do you mean by that? Well, you know how actors talk around soddies. I mean really ridiculous darling I mean someone referring to you as the road company basil rat bone Well, I know. I mean, I know that you're above paying attention to that kind of a you know small talk Why of course I am just as I know you are when they refer to you as the road company Don't you dare, Mr. Honey! Excuse me, tell you Yes, Jimmy? I understand Louis Calhoun is on the show. That's right. Jim, have you met our guest? Hello, Jimmy. Oh, hello, Mr. Ratbone Salute. When this Calhoun bum gets here Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, this is Mr. Calhoun, V. Mr. Calhoun Who is starring on Broadway now in King Lear, one of Shakespeare's greatest tragedies The story of children's ingratitude towards a father who was willing to give them each not only his love and paternal affection But all his worldly goods only to have them turn him out of the house and drive him into the forest where he loses mind And finally dies a broken, pitiful figure That sounds like my favorite radio program. Life can be beautiful You have been listening to Meredith Wilson in the big show Oxfam Chorus and now I'd like to ring my chimes This is NBC the national broadcasting company The big show This is the national broadcasting company Sunday extravaganza with the most scintillating personalities in show business The big show the sunday night feature of NBC's all-star festival is brought to you by Rca victor world leader in radio first and recorded music first in television by the makers of anison More fast relief from the pain of headache urinus and neuralgia And by your local buick dealer who introduces the new 1951 buick this coming saturday january 20th Don't miss seeing the new 51 buick The big stars on this program are louis calhoun jack codder florence desmond jimmy doranty moth array fran warren Meredith wilson and the big show orchestra and chorus and every week your hostess the glamorous Unpredictable to lula bankhead Yes, darlings, this is the big show to which every week two or three hundred of the biggest names in show business listen You thought I was gonna say they were on the show didn't you darlings? Food well the funnest thing is that many performers most of them my friends do listen to the show And why not? It's the only chance they ever get to turn me off when i'm talking As a matter of fact excuse me who plays to lula bankhead around here Oh, I do darling and I imagine you're the poor little man who plays jack carter So this is radio me i'm a television boy when I come on stage they can see me and radio i'm just a voice without a body The jack that's radio. It happens to everybody. I'm just a voice without a body honey with your voice. You don't need a body Thank you, baby. Don't thank me salute So little bankhead has become a national institution. Why you're the hop along cassidy of radio I'm flattered I think Hop along cassidy What program is he misses of ceremonies on? Now it's a new thing now why when kids come into my house now they pull out their guns and they go Darling, oh, that's what they're doing Believe me the whole town is to lula crazy. My wife is taking cold shots on the count of you Oh, I'm so sorry. Don't you have a bad cold? What are you talking about? She's trying to catch a cold So she'll sound more like you Well, it is gratifying to know that your wife is a fan Not only my wife to lula I walked by the sixth avenue delicatessen the other day And the smoke tongue in the window was singing give my regards to broadway A voice without a body again I went into my favorite restaurant and they have a to lula sandwich named after you and no coating, please What kind of a sandwich is it a triple decker naturally? Oh naturally the to lula sandwich plenty of ham a big tomato and plenty of lettuce darling You know to lula the funniest thing is that right across the street in this restaurant is another restaurant that's copying your sandwich Of course, it's not as good smaller ham smaller tomato and plenty of crust don't you dare mention her sandwich on the spooker Now look here's the point of the whole conversation. Oh, there is a point Oh, yes, I admire you to lula now. How do I get to be like you? Oh my darling, you couldn't get to be like me if you lived to be a hundred years old Oh, I don't I don't I want to be as talented as you are not as old as you are You keep that a buster and you'll never get to be as old as I'll probably never get to be as old as you are if I have another year like 1950 Of course, I can't complain 1950 was swell to me. I got my own show on television on nvc saturday night I love television. How else can you get into betty grables home once a week, huh? It was really is hard work, but 1950 looking back was a wonderful year So many things happened brooklyn lost the pan and again Margaret hit a wrong note. So harry sent one And of course they had the new bathing suit in 1950 called the bikini spell backwards is ibbid ibbidik and uh Oh, have you seen them? I saw one girl on the beach. Why they're just two handkerchiefs and a prayer. That's all One girl had one on and all the fellas were standing around fanning it with newspapers trying to make her sneeze I was just hanging around to say gizuntide and I noticed That all the women drivers are out this year like mad. I love those dolls They get in the car and they get a look in their eye like you shouldn't be living anymore I don't mind the way women drive. It's the way they aim that bothers me They come over from jersey. They don't even wait till they get to the tunnel right over the water. They go And they make it too. That's what bothers me Plus dirandy is afraid of women drivers any time He's out in his car sees a woman driver coming toward him last time He did he saw a woman he ran out of his car jumped into a building went up to sixth floor Ran into a house hid under the bed. It didn't help. She got him anyway Traffic too much traffic too many people where are the cops? Traffic too much traffic too many stop lights too many stops Autos crawling down the avenue take too long to get where they're going People waiting for the signal to get away from the horns that are blowing Why it's crowded who allowed it? Can't we stop this jamboree? Cost as much too many and too many much traffic for me Going uptown going downtown. It's a one-way street turn around retreat Hey, you think drive into the cinch brother. I ain't even moved an inch. Hey, look out Mac go faster. Look out for that roadmaster. Look out roadmaster. Look out I am the new Buick Roadmaster 1951 I'm lovely. I'm engaged. I use grease And just listen to my horn especially arranged for the convertible by meredith wilson Naturally everything about me is the best I have mink seat covers and everybody in me is always gay and laughing Either rich people are happy or those mink seats tickle. I don't know And of course my owner is a wealthy boy terrence caught right very wealthy. He has the pie concession on the milton burl show And last week, you know terrence was out with a debutant He was driving in me and he was riding with one arm and he leaned over to kiss her all of a sudden I went off the road. I smashed into an embankment. I went up a tree. I turned over six times I crashed under the road. She called out of the car and she said brother. That's what I call a kiss But my days are numbered. I'm being sold to a used car dealer. You see uh my ashtrays are full Traffic too much traffic hear that blaring. It's not fred warren Why hear that screeching summons teaching someone how to drive why the pupil's fountain pupil shouting glory She's alive. Well one thing i'm not gonna fidget. Look out for that midget. Look out for that midget car. Hey look out I'm just a little midget auto That night they don't keep me in a garage. They throw a tablecloth over me and they play canasta Oh, it's so embarrassing. You won't believe this but pedestrians hit me The other day some kids had fired on my roof the fireman wouldn't put me out. They thought I was an old cigarette lighter Oh, I tell you it's awful. I have my good points though. I'm a convertible I wasn't always, you know, but my owner found a can opener Those trucks are always driving right over me Well, I gotta be moving now. Their light just changed Can't seem to move Oh, no wonder there's chewing. I'm stuck under my tire Traffic too much traffic too much bumping too much stumping. Hey, maybe walking us faster Well, I think I'll take a stab. Hey, look him up with a cap. Hey taxi. Look out taxi. Watch a taxi. Look out taxi I'm a taxi jack the hack I'm not lovely. I'm not engaged. I'm hard to get especially when it's raining I guess you think I'm stupid, don't you? You know why I talk funny? My boss has got those babies who's hanging on a windshield all day long. I keep getting kicked in the head all day long But I'm a pretty fair guy if I hit a pedestrian if I drag him six blocks I only charge him what it says on the meter Only latest equipment, you know, I got smoke rear view mirrors They weren't that way original but the the couples in the back seats steamed them up, you know Yeah, I'm a pretty tough guy if I see a bus coming I cut him right off I see another car. I grind to spend us in half. I knock off trellies. There's only one thing a taxi has to look out for That's another taxi Traffic too much traffic. Can't they stop this jamboree? Cost as much too many too many much traffic for me Here's a word from rca victor inch for inch your best buy in television is rca victor 19 inch Yes, a great many american families have taken this advice to heart and bought the thrilling rca victor 19 inch console Truly the most exciting buy in television So when you set out for your rca victor dealers to become an rca victor million proof television set owner Remember that the set you choose will be the very hub of your home for years to come It'll be the source of a great many hours of exciting home entertainment So with this in mind select the model you really want most and chances are that model will be the kingly rca victor 19 inch console inch for inch your best buy in television Your 19 inch set will give you in a great big way all the matchless million proof qualities of sight and sound Possible only to the world leader in electronics Yes inch for inch your best buy in television is indeed rca victor 19 inch And with it go wishes to you and your family for all the warmth and good cheer of million proof television by rca victor And darlings every once in a while show business is enhanced by the success of a performer Whose talent is so distinctive so utter enchanting That is almost impossible to describe without hearing ang see Such a gifted personality is a dear dear friend of mine Who just came over from england and is currently amusing after dark pleasure seekers at the swanky of si nightclub here in new york One of the world's outstanding mimics miss florins desmond florins darling Hello to lula oh florins my pet how good to see you again Oh darling, how long has he been to june? I spent that wonderful weekend together when i was playing in london You remember and i rented that picture as own english castle Oh, it's been quite some time to lula but that wasn't a castle you were living in I seem to remember well darling, it seemed like a castle all those huge rooms I bet there must have been about 40 rooms I seem to remember five a five room castle don't be ridiculous I think the castle was next to the place you rented wasn't it the um gamekeepers cottage with the five rooms It had six rooms You're mistaken to lula five Well, if you're not going to count that other room Well, I uh, I do remember a party we gave and remember you entertained us with that Oh your wonderful impression of that uh english general. Oh, I'd doored it. It was an english colonel dear Whatever it was. I doored it. I don't know why to lula. I seem to remember you left for the theater to do your play before I did it Well, if you ever do do it, i'm sure I will adore it Why don't you do it now won't you? Why does everybody pick on me on this program? I don't know how you ever thought whether a perfectly good song can be ruined in the hands of the wrong people I got a crazy idea the other day and I try to imagine an old english army colonel doing the saint louis blues I hate to see The evening sun go down I hate to see the evening sun go down anytime really That's when I start drinking And it's bad for me For instance last night when we had a whale of a party in the mess It was a fair world a young karoo He'd been cashiered out of the army Bad show More if I feel tomorrow anything like I feel today Heaven help the army. I should think if karoo feels tomorrow anything like he feels today He'll probably blow his brains out It wouldn't be a bad idea if that The best thing that boy can do is to pack his bags and make his getaway And we'd all started with a woman An attractive little widow With dyed hair all except karoo That was her birthday and he asked to what she wanted Oh instead of replying like like any normal woman and saying um Oh, I don't know um A box of chocolates She said she wanted the green eye Of the little yellow god And karoo got it for her What she thought she was gonna do with it how she thought she could wear it Or where she was gonna put it. I haven't the biggest They called him mad karoo Oh, he wasn't mad And trifle impulsive perhaps but you you can't call a fella mad For writing rude words along government house I've wanted to do it myself many a time We all hated the governor's wife ugly old bag Too bad about karoo. We had a great future in the army Fine family educated at Eaton used to row for oxford I'll miss the young scamp I say boy boy Bring me a stinger will you? Every day you hear more and more about an incredibly fast way to relieve the pains of headache neuritis and neuralgia It's anacin anacin Now the reason anacin is so wonderfully fast acting and effective is this Anacin is like a doctor's prescription. That is anacin contains not just one but a combination Of medically proven active ingredients in easy to take tablet form Thousands of people have received envelopes containing anacin tablets from their own dentist or physician And in this way discovered the incredibly fast relief anacin brings from pains of headache neuritis or neuralgia So the next time a headache strikes Take anacin anacin In handy boxes of 12 and 30 economical family size bottles of 50 and 100 Ask for anacin at any drug counter Oh, miss bankhead. Oh, hello Meredith darling Meredith Wilson. How are you this week? Meredith? Oh, I'm all right, miss bankhead But that story Florence Desmond told about lieutenant karoo Phew. That was really a pistol You liked it all very sad The same thing that happened to this fella happened to a fella back home only his name wasn't karoo and he wasn't a left tenant But he was cashiered out of the service. Oh dear here we go again Oh, he was in the army Well, not exactly You see he was cashiered out of the service station He worked for a chain of service stations and wore a uniform and everything but he was fired for running around with the cashier Cashiered yes Oh, it was all very sad Not as sad as it is now darling Well, uh, it gets better as it goes along Care to bet Well, sir miss bankhead Let me just tell you about betting and i'm very sorry. Please please one revoked thing story at a time I better yet. Let me put it this way. Why don't you play something for us, huh? Well, I'd love to how about zing went the strings of my heart sounds delightful darling ladies and gentlemen Here is marriage with wilson and the big show orchestra and chorus with a gay An enchanting interpretation of a memorable popular hit song zing went the strings of my heart And right now on the big show we want to tell you about the biggest show in town Coming your way this saturday january 20th It's the premiere showing of the new 1951 buick at your nearest buick dealers Yes, the car everybody's been waiting for is coming this saturday the new all-star lineup of 1951 buicks Make a date to see how buicks done it again in beauty in style in design and in performance You'll see new buick features new buick smartness a new and even more distinctive buick look Front to rear top to tires the new 51 buick is made for thrills excitement and distinction Remember the date this saturday january 20th the new 51 buick at your nearest buick dealers Big manager around here. I'm martha rey. I am the mc around here. Excuse me. I'm not uncle milty whoever she is Of course, I should have known your milty's mother. I could kill myself May I watch Look here darling, and I use the word darling because they won't let me use the word. I'd like to use I'm not uncle milty. I am not uncle milty's mother. I am uncle solula bank heads Oh knock it off kid. You're flipping your lid old girl Listening to this show and I know what this to lula looks like She's about eight feet tall Ways 525 pounds And is 95 years old I will tell you now my dear coli and this person today that I am to lula bank head Well, I answer you now coli and this uh Whatever you said You got rocks in your head old girl How can I make this idiot believe me? Yeah, listen to this And now who am I Please look at me calmly and try to figure out who I am feet tall waste 525 pounds is 95 years old and This is sweet Or anything are you? Oh, of course not darling. It's it's so reassuring to know that in half an hour. I'll never have to see you again Oh, well gee whiz don't get mad at least not for a half hour You know, I came to see you because I know you can help me You see now you're a dame with class And me you're running around with a kind of man. I've been going out with I'd like to go out with the kind of guys you go out with those high class bums And what I should do to better myself. Well, it's the little things that come Well, most men go out with me because of my brain. You see, it's the little things that come I'd like to travel with a higher type crumb You know like a like a manager of an amp boss painter Or a old high class boss vacuum cleaner salesman But how do you get to meet hoover? Would you settle for jewelry? Why should I nobody else did Out of the mouths of babes problem for a girl of my sex I've got to get my hooks into Hooks into a real classy type creed. Well, then I'll I think I'll have to introduce you to louis calhoun Oh, it'll be love at first sight me married to louis calhoun I can see it now Louie calhoun and me sharing the same laundry shoot Look this way, why don't you sing and get whatever's bothering you out of your system? What would you like to sing darling? That old black magic. Well, that's the only way you'll ever get to marry louis calhoun. Darling black magic. She's a dog Feel so well As I see fingers Up and there's that like a leaf That's caught in the fire Call love In a spin Martha darling that was divine Now let's see darlings. Um, um, I better give the darling little stations all over My country of break. Huh lula. Yes. Jack Carter. Uh, what's with the station break bit the station break bit Well, let me put it this way. I'd like to ring your chimes Ask me anything with my chimes. I give to no man Before you ring your times, I'd like to mention that this portion of the program was brought to you by rca victor World leader in radio first and recorded music first in television By the makers of anison for fast relief from pain of headache neuritis in neuralgia And by your local buick dealer who introduces the new 1951 buick this coming saturday, january 20th Don't miss seeing the new 51 buick. Well, ed if you can be a name dropper. So can I This is nbc the national broadcasting company This is the big show and here is to lula bankhead tonight on broadway darlings There's a fine revival of a comedy playing to capacity It is that renowned classic by george s cuffman and edna ferber called the royal family Tonight we're bringing you a scene from the play in which I portray a member of a famed theatrical family A julie cavendish to be exact and louis calhoun plays the role of my brilliant but incorrigible brother tony so The curtain is up and you meet some of the members of the royal family Good heavens, mr. Julie. You're dripping wet. Take your shoes off. I'll get you a warm use Oh, thank you. Where is he? Where is he my brother tony roaming the house like a caged lion? Miss julie your coat is ripped the entire population of new york is standing on our doorstep Howling for a glimpse of america's foremost screen lover In the meantime, they take what fortune sends and it just so happens to be me here now slip these on Oh, good julie. So thank you. Thank you. Oh, what a day this has been I had to get out of the corner. You don't dare drive up. Oh my dear della You should try playing a matinee audience made up entirely of sea lions They came in wet to the knees and never did dry off They spent the first act taking galoshes off And the last act putting them on You know my dear I looked out once during the last act and couldn't see a face And coughing coughing. I think they had a cheerleader Lincoln couldn't have held them with the gettysburg address. Oh, there. There you are. Do you need did you get my passport a plague on your public tony? I'm a battered wreck julie the passport. Have you got the passport? No shut up tony I'm not over my matinee dinner at usual time. Miss julie. No, no, no hold it a while della, please Mr. Gilbert motel phone. Oh, oh darling bill. Oh dear. I forgot to call him. He said he'd call here. Oh good good The love aim dress shop says your dress is all ready. Oh dress me hangs my boat sails at midnight What have you done about my passport tony my love your distinguished producer oscar wolf is getting it. Oh, he is Why didn't you say so? Thank heaven. He's been pulling all sorts of wires He's been in and out of my dressing room all afternoon Everybody's been in and out of my dressing room all afternoon Compared to my dressing room grand central station was a rustic retreat Reporters and process servers and subs listen julie how soon will wolf get here? Oh, I don't know Oh right away and he's bringing the money for you too. They kept your reservations and I paid for it By the way, you neglected to tell me that you were roughing it across in the royal suites. I can't travel as a stowaway Hey How a battle for all I care But remember I'm a working girl What do you do with all your money anyway? You go out to hollywood with a billion dollar contract and you buy a pink plaster palace for 150,000 And I saw her for sheenie for 20,000 a spanner suizer for 25 a camp in the syrips for another 50 gods You were sunk a quarter of a million dollars before they ever rode a camera on you And as soon as they start to take a picture You knock out the director and quit. No, it'll blow over in a month. That's why I want to get away Why why why do you have to go to europe? What are you going to do when you get there? I am going to bathe in the pure beauty of Athens I want to lose myself in the black forest of the barrier. Oh, I don't know where I'm going Any place where it rains all the time. All right, brother go to pango pango But attend your own possible. What's that somebody at the door? Keep calm. Keep calm. They can't get up here. Look here. Do you think I'd better put some furniture against the front door? Well, you have to go out sometime, won't you? They can't keep back the queen Mary up to our house No, I'll get out all right when the time comes. Well, what is it? What is it? Oh, one of them reporters tried to get up in the service elevator, but they got in That crowd still standing around down there in the wet snow. There certainly is a mob of them, Miss Julie Looks like a bigger crowd than the time. Mr. Tony got his first divorce Don't tell our faithful retainers to mend the battle and stop fire on them if they try to stall. Yes, sir I don't have much time Julie. I'll have to get aboard early if I'm to dodge the crowd about that passport Who says you have to get on the boat? Maybe I am naive A million reasons. I feel like it. I want to get so far from hollywood and sunshine I never want to hear camera again or stage either for that matter. You can have it. I'm through Through you've been saying that ever since you played little lord fotleroy, but I mean it this time That's why I'm going abroad give me two years in munich with my violin under russia And I'll show you what the stage means to me. I can be a great musician Or I may go away into india and study hindu philosophy It's the only real thing in the world. You wear just one garment, you know a long white robe And that'll be restful The stage I'd rather spend 10 minutes in the cathedral at shot. I don't give a What are all these letters they've been here all day? What are they? Stop shouting Well, I didn't just say so throw it in the trash Look look brother mine You're not fooling me about why you're going to europe cathedrals and violins and long white garments It's this woman you're running away from Else why was she on the same train? Oh, I'm not afraid of her. I gave her the slip at chicago Just the same that's why you're running away now. Don't lie to me tony cavendish Well, suppose I am I only I'm not afraid of her then what is it? It's that blankety blank process server. She's got after me. Which blankety blank process server the breach of promise suit Reacher promise. Yes, it's 200 000. That's why I've got to stay cooped up here You don't think I'm afraid of reporters, do you? But if they ever clap that paper on me, I can't say you 200 000 for breach of promise Assault and battery on his director Probably another 100 000 And breaking your contract with the picture company. I guess a half a million will cover it. Well, it's worth it That sunshine What did you ever promise this movie actress is worth 200 000? What oh she claims to have some letters. I I I didn't want her in the first place. She was that director's girl That's why he got slaw That's the process server. I don't get it. Who is there miss cavendish in this is gilbert marsh. Oh, it's gill. Let him in. Let him in Gil darling. Oh, is this a time to entertain people? Gil, it's so wonderful to see you. Is there something wrong julie? Can I help all those people in the street? Oh, everything is happening darling. Oh, but just just family gil. Oh, you're still sane. Aren't you aren't you? And solid and reliable and sure. I hope so. Oh, how nice and I was going to be so ravishing on our first meeting I had it all planned darling. Oh, let me make an entrance. Will you I'll say Is it really you gill and after all these years You'll say answer the phone Gods, excuse me gill. Hello Hello Oh osco. Yes, dear. Yes. Yes. Yes. I'm sure it is. But who is it? Who is it? What's wrong? Oh osco. Well, of course. Yes, you can't. Well, there's no you starting. Oh, there's nothing to to be Yes, I know it is. Yes, I know. Well, I'm even very shocked with the theory. Yes. I am well Don't worry. I'll give a good performance Well, well that was osco. Wolf not Tony not Tony. I don't want you to hit the ceiling He hasn't got my passport. It is not so vital. You haven't done anything so terrible You don't know what you're talking about. You'll find out if it's vital. I get if this woman Don't be so childish. Tony. What can she do to you? You talk like somebody in a melodrama Now now calm down and shut up Oh, oh gill. This is my brother Tony. What can she do to me? I'll tell you what she can do to me Tony, Tony, Tony will you be quiet? This is mr. Gilbert marshal. Oh, uh, my brother, Tony John What the devil kind of jam do you think I'm in anyway? What do you think I blew all the way from california for the ride? I've got to get out of here. I tell you that woman's in town by this time. You know what that means You don't know that pool cat. Why I've seen her pick up a Thing like this astray here only bigger and heavier. She's a killer. She'll do anything She just as soon shoot us. Look at you. She's a polio She's cuckoo about me and she knows I'm through with her now if you don't want to do anything to help me Why all right? You're a devil of a sister. I'm only a brother. Why should you bother about me? But I'm telling you now if they get me I'll be all over the front page and so will you and the whole blasted family Now that's what you want. Believe me. That's what you're going to get. What am I doing with this astray? There pleased to have met you mr. Gilson. Wait, wait, what's this about a passport? Darling, Tony must get a passport. He can't sail for europe. I'll get that passport get you an emergency one I've got friends downtown when have it sent down to the queen mary say 20 minutes Better still. I'll take you down myself and smuggle you boy. Oh gill darling. You're a rock Good man. We could use a chap like this in the family. Della. Della. Where are you? Get my stuff together. We're on our way Coming mr. Tony. Goodbye gill darling. Bless you. Hurry back. Won't you? Goodbye, Tony Get three cabs exactly all right carry the stuff out put it in the third cab gilson We'll take the first all set The end of a perfect day. Thank heaven. Oh, Tony. Tony Now don't charter a tug and come back. That's all I ask Now take care of your signers. Keep out of russia But why you have to go to your bow? Never mind never mind darling. Goodbye. Goodbye. Open the door get ready to attack This is the big breakthrough. They can't stop us now. One two three charge Remember it's the guaranteed trust Goodbye Goodbye, brother Goodbye, brother Oh brother for the peace and quiet of mace's basements You're very kind darlings We share your applause with two fine performers martin blaine is gill and miss nel harrison as della As for you louis calhoun, I can only say I wish we could do a play together on Broadway To be in a play with you would be my pleasure my sweet The theater is supposed to be an envy but the performance like you It could easily be cured Sweetie you could cure it single-handed sugar. Hey jimmy get a load of those two sugar cured hams Yeah martin there's something going on here that ain't kosher Let's you and me show them how to really do some acting. Oh, it'll be my pleasure my sweat uh sweet We can beat them play in the royal family and give them spades. In fact, we'll play it in spades We'll call it the royal flush Can't it be my sister miss ray? Hey goomba, can't we be more than just sisters? How about brothers? Mededit uh some acting music if you please Julie I gotta get out of town. Where's my passport a town without my passport You said she was gonna get me a passport The other one what am I gonna do with two passports? I only need one. Are they having trouble with your picture on the passport? They couldn't get that nose on only one All of a sudden I need two passports. I'm in a double jelopity I gotta get out of town julie Any place where it rains all the time Oh, you're going back to hollywood. I can't go back to hollywood. I promised that girl a mink coat But I got her a muskwrap rake cake And to pin the rap on me only one of the greatest actresses get her alive And I wish she were none other than the one and only tulula Bunkhead What an actress you don't like a big course once she gave you a hot foot Why she can't hold a match to me She did the rafters shook And believe me it ain't easy to play juliet and run up and shake the rafters at the same time Very fair I gotta get out of town. Where's my passport made the pure beauty and Athens If I'm going to bathe in the pure beauty of Athens You do what you want and I'll do what I want I gotta get out of town. Where's my passport? I gotta get on that Hollywood with a million-dollar contract and you've got yourself plastered in a pink palace That cost 150,000 you spend 50,000 for a car A French dude A spaniel pro A beauty like a hole in the hood If you won't get me a passport i'm leaving anyway I'll go where this tulula dame will never find me Farewell, julie Whaaaat? A little picture theater around the corner. She'll never go there. They're showing all about eve Farewell, julie For the peace and quiet of Macy's window Martha and jimmy the royal family abdicate in your honor. You were both really Excuse me. May I speak to you a moment, miss bankhead? Of course, mr. Carter with wire the formality. What did you want to talk about jack? That's it jack I think I can save you a lot of jack on this show You see Florence Desmond and I have been figuring it out all the stars you have in this big show Why the actors salaries alone must run into five figures not forgetting mine darling, okay seven with your figure I asked for that You asked for that figure? Isn't he dull No, what i'm trying to say to lula is that Florence Desmond and I can do this whole show by ourselves Why we can be every big star you ever had in these shows just Florence and I it'll save you a lot of money No, you mean just the three of us will do the big show just the two of us Florence and I She's a better tulula than the original much Betty Could uh Could we do a sample for you? If you don't we'll be five minutes short Go ahead Okay, tulula desmond. You're on the air ladies and gentlemen. Here is your hostess the glamorous unpredictable tulula desmond Well, darling I call you all darlings because you are darling The most revolting Not adding story Don't you dare to mention her name on this program? Uh Give my regards to broad Why can't that orchestra stay on key? You've been darlings darlings Excuse me tulula Why darlings it's bread allen kata darlings Thank you one and none Oh Fred that is insanely divine Yes, tulula and now that you mentioned it florida is cold Why it was so cold down there when I went to sleep at night. I had to slip in between two pieces of hot pastrami And darlings here is meridus wilson kata and a teensy weenie tiny show orchestra and chorus In one of meridus teensy weensy tiny arrangements of darlin Oh It was divine meridus darling Well, sir now here is marlene detrick desmond Hello But am I to do I can't wherever I go man. Follow me and try not I make such good venus schnitzel Ah Oh say tulula Oh, listen to lula tonight. I would like to explain the story of the opera Carmen, you know I'm going to sing give my regards. Oh, that's enough. That's enough. I'll explain it up to there Now you see Carmen is working in a cigar factory. Oh, this is wonderful, you know Now she's rapping cigars and one day she meets a fellow named guy Now guy and Carmen decide to become brothers, you see So later they organize an orchestra, which is known as a cigar band Now look who's here hildegard desmond the incomparable Shona sepa what to do Darling shapo's ampoku I love you, dear I do I do Good evening ladies and gentlemen And here's bornman roe cutter and now hello to lu how's every little inkid inkid This is sabotage What a luric I'm practically no old cow Beach at a beach at a beach at a beach at a beach at a beach Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Stop the mimic. Stop the mimic. I'm the real jimmy derranny What is this a man and woman and imitating derranny an imposter and an imposter tris I think it's charming jimmy. Hold it. Are you the real tulula bankhead? I am the only tulula bankhead now jimmy and I think it's really wonderful for people to imitate you There's room in this world for more than one geranti You know darling, this might be a better world for all of us to live in If everybody was as warm and as sweet and as lovable as you If the world were full of gerantis, what a wonderful world it would be Let the world were full of gerantis What a wonderful world it would be Every day would be sunny life would really bubble So much not, there'd be no room for cover If the world were full of gerantis Think of all the sights we'd see A football game at the tournament of roses imagine one football and 90 000 roses If the world were full of gerantis What a wonderful world it would be Thanks tulula and may I return to compliment and say If the world were full of tululas What a wonderful place it would be Every heart in a man would be trippin like a hammer Their eyes would pop just from seeing so much glamour if the world Were full of tululas I want predictable the women would be I can picture each man just as nervous as a Stalin She kiss him and say you're for me you darling darling if the world were full of tululas What a wonderful world it would be The janks would win the pennant and I'm not trying to be a smarty and republicans would all join The democratic party if the world were full of tululas What a baritone world what an effervescent world what a wonderful world it would be If the world were only full of tululas We hope you'll be with us next week when our stars will be Fred Allen, Eddie Cantor, Portland Huffer, Judy Holliday, Gypsy Rose Lee, Vaughan Monroe, Patricia Munsell and of course Meredith Wilson and the Big Show Orchestra and Chorus And until then May the good lord bless and keep you Well then here are far away Friend May you find that long awaited golden day Louie May your troubles all be small ones And your fortune ten times dead Lawrence May the good lord bless and keep you till we meet May you walk with sunlight shining Jack May there be a silver lining Back of every cloud you see Jimmy fill your dreams with sweet tomorrow Never mind what might have been May the good lord bless and keep you until we meet again Listen to the Big Show next week at the same time when our guests will be Fred Allen, Eddie Cantor, Portland Huffer, Judy Holliday, Gypsy Rose Lee, Vaughan Monroe, Patricia Munsell, Meredith Wilson and the Big Show Orchestra and Chorus And of course is always the glamorous unpredictable tulula bank head The Big Show is directed and produced by D. Engelbach And written by Goodman A. Selma Diamond, George Foster, Mort Green and Frank Wilson This is NBC The National Broadcast