 So as a dating and relationship coach, I have learned one interesting fact, which probably many of you already know. None of us were trained at being in a relationship. Let me repeat that, none of us were trained. Very few of us have really been given any tools or skills to actually be in a healthy, happy relationship. In fact, just like having children, I feel like everything is winging it, winging it, winging it. And while we might have some role models that we might observe and kind of through the looking glass, see how their relationship is, the real mechanics of a relationship, none of us were taught how to actually be in a healthy, happy relationship. And really what is the structure of a healthy, happy relationship? That many of you might be going, well, Jonathan, I know what it's like, but I can tell you the vast majority of human beings are rather clueless when it comes to the mechanics of a healthy, happy relationship, including how to resolve conflicts in relationship. That's right, how to resolve conflicts. Do anybody, does anybody really teach us this? I think we have this grand expectation of two people love each other, everything will magically work out. In fact, that's the real deception. The real deception is that love solves all our relationship problems when that's actually the furthest thing from the truth. In fact, most people believe chemistry equals relationship success. That's right, most people believe chemistry equals relationship success without any real thought of, do I share the same values with this person? Is this person's lifestyle blendable with mine? And more importantly, is this person emotionally mature enough to be in a healthy, happy relationship or even have the relationship skills to be in a healthy, happy relationship? Did you hear what I just said? Relationship skills. I want you to think about this because I think most humans, men and women alike, operate from absolute oblivion. I mean, they really, or let me actually, let me rewind that. I think most humans operate from a very self-centric place, a very myopic place of thinking that they're actually good at being in relationship. That's why I truly believe that. I think everybody thinks they're good at being a relationship. So when you have two dysfunctional people think that they're good at being in a relationship, there's no wonder that there's friction and chaos and that friction and chaos causes conflict in relationship. This is why I highly recommend checking out a book so you can understand the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship. And while this is a book about marriage, it's really about understanding how the mechanics of a relationship works. And this book written by John Gottman is called The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work. Why do I recommend this? Because there's a structure to a healthy, happy relationship. Now, in this book, it relates to children as well. And for those of you in midlife, my audience is midlife after baby-making years and before retirement, is you may not be starting a family with someone, but understanding the mechanics of a relationship, let me put a pause button here for a second. I wanna share this with you because when I was going through my divorce, we actually had to go to family court to resolve a difference between us and the judge was the final dictator of what this conflict between us was. What was interesting, if you've never actually been in family court, you actually, if you're in the morning docket, you have to arrive at 8 a.m. And there could be up to five couples in the morning docket before the noon docket, which starts at 1 p.m. So, and you don't know what number you're in. I think that's so divorce attorneys can just rack up their fees waiting there while you're listening to the other couples. And sure enough, we got there at 8 a.m. and we were fourth on the docket. So I listened to three other couples go up in front of the judge and express their issues between the two of them. And I gotta tell you, this is fascinating. This is better than any reality TV. If you really want to get a sense of relationships, spend a little time in family court because you see real dysfunctionality. But in real life, not the dramas you see on TV. But what occurred to me was there was a pattern, there was a theme. And most relationships or marriages cite two primary reasons why their relationship ends. Number one, it's usually money related issues. And number two, it's physical intimacy or an emotional intimacy issues in relationship. Those are the two primary reasons why, and I believe 70% of divorces are filed by women. So wouldn't it make sense to maybe if you know these are going to be the problems in a relationship to maybe address those early on? This is why I continually recommend anybody who's beginning a relationship to read the book, another John Gottman book, but this is Drs. John and Julie Gottman, is to read the book, Eight Dates. Because one of the chapters in this book which relates to our topic today about resolving conflicts is all about conflict resolution. It's the second date. It says, agree to disagree, addressing conflict. If two people do not know how to address conflict in relationship, which is going to occur, whether it happens in the early stages, the mid stages or later in the relationship, your relationship is doomed. I know many of you, like I said in the beginning of this broadcast saying that you think that love will just conquer all. What's a fantasy that is? That love is gonna conquer your relationship issues. And knowing how to resolve conflicts can give you greater chance for relationship success. A friend of mine calls it the threshold barriers, the threshold barriers. And what happens is when you resolve a conflict in relationship in a healthy way, you build a deeper root of trust with you and then you resolve another one. You build a deeper root or deeper root of trust and another one, another one. When you pass through these threshold barriers, you actually build a stronger relationship just like the way a muscle is built. You have to tear it down first before a new muscle can grow. That's how Arnold Schwarzenegger got as big as he did or how Brad Pitt got his six, well, he was probably born with six-pack abs. Anyway, so we're gonna address the seven ways to resolve conflict with a man. So I pulled out my trusty notes right here. And I wanna share this with you now. I wanna be candid with you. I didn't make these up, I was reading an article and I thought, oh my gosh, this is perfect content. So I'm gonna speak verbatim and I apologize. I didn't save the link so I don't recall where I got this from, but you can literally type in seven ways to resolve a conflict because I think it was gender neutral. Okay, number one is making the first move. When you have a difference in relationship by actually making the first move by addressing it, and you might simply want to say to your partner or the person you're with, hey, sweetheart, there's something I'd like to discuss with you. Can we make a little time today or later today to share, I have something I wanna share with you that I think is really important about our relationship. Making that first move instead of, by the way, what so many people do, and I am guilty of this, is sweeping things under the rug, sweeping things under the rug. And I guarantee you, if you don't address things sooner, it's going to be more problematic later. This is why I'm such a big proponent of couples operating from a place of vulnerability, authenticity, transparency, right from the very get-go. And transparency means if it's material to the relationship, bringing it right up front. I know my sweetheart did that, actually on her very first date, she shared something very uncomfortable with me. But I'm so grateful she did, because it was material to the dynamic that we eventually now have. And I'm grateful that it was addressed, and we both equally mutually share from a transparent place, because if, like I said, if it's material to the relationship, bring it up, and if it's going to cause friction in a relationship, absolutely bringing it up sooner rather than later. So number one, make the first move. Okay, number two, well, again, I didn't write this, but I thought this was interesting. Ask for the higher powers for wisdom, God, universe, spirit. I have a conflict with my partner. I love to have some emotional support. So allow my divine self to connect with my higher self just to grant me any wisdom as I prepare to speak up about this conflict. Folks, I don't think we give enough credit to the power of prayer, the power of seeking God, universe, spirit. As a friend of mine calls it Gus, God, universe, spirit, asking for wisdom, believe it or not, wisdom gets channeled. Think about that. Wisdom actually gets channeled when we ask for divine guidance. And while it might sound corny for some of you, I am a true believer of prayer, of asking for help from those, from like I said, God, universe, spirit. And if you believe in it, great. And if you don't, that's fine too. I just invite you to incorporate that in your life. Okay, number three, begin with what's your fault. In other words, begin with how you might have contributed to the conflict that you're currently dealing with. It's starting from a place of not, see a lot of times couples point the finger at their partner, not realizing there's three fingers pointing back. In fact, I witnessed this over and over and over in the dating realm. So many people blame their previous partners for the dysfunctionality in their relationship and they take no ownership in their part. And let me tell you something, that's a red flag in my book. If somebody, I don't care how terrible your past relationship with, if you don't take some ownership into the demise, not demise, that sounds very overly dramatic, but if you don't take some ownership to the ending of the relationship, then you're not actually operating from a place of integrity, because whether we like it or not, we all play a part in our movie, our play of our life. Even if someone else has caused us some discomfort or even some emotional harm, it's important to take ownership of our part and start with that. That's number three. Number four, when somebody is sharing, and by the way, everything I'm sharing goes both ways. So you, good conflict resolution should be two people operating from this place. And this is number four is listen for their hurt and their perspective. It's actually listening, active listening. Listen to them and say, I hear what you're saying, that must have been tough. Everybody has a feeling of pain when there's conflict in relationship and honoring and validating someone's hurt creates a bridge between the two of you to actually heal through that hurt. This is why if you haven't read the book, I Hear You, the surprisingly simple skills behind extraordinary relationship, this is a great book to learn communication techniques, to learn communication skills. I often hear women complain that the men they're in relationship are terrible communicators. Well, folks, I'm gonna tell you something just because women have a capacity to vomit their feelings doesn't mean that they're any better at expressing themselves. In fact, this is why Marshall Rosenberg wrote the book Nonviolent Communication and what this should have been titled was Compassionate Communication because oftentimes most communication is accusatory. It's always blaming the other person and not actively listening to what they have to share. Because number five is learning to communicate, speak your truth both kindly and tactfully. Not with a lot of stories. Ladies, do you have a propensity to use 10,000 words when men can use a hundred words? And I know that's an exaggeration a bit but I will tell you this and I'll recap everything in a moment. I will tell you this, being concise when you have an issue, especially with a man, bringing up the problem and then the backstory that goes with it instead of the backstory which can go on and on and on and on and on and we're like trying to figure out what the fuck is she saying? Start with the issue at hand and then you can give the backstory that goes with it. And ultimately this is where there's a challenge in relationship is number six is oftentimes when there's conflict in relationship you're on your side, he's on his side and you're not looking to actually win in this conflict, if you will. So number six is fix the problem, not the blame. Most of the time, as I said before there's the blaming game going on and you're not going to resolve conflict if it's about, look it, you can choose to be right or you can choose to be happy. Focus on fixing the problem. Last but not least, number seven, focus on reconciliation, not or focus on reconciliation, not resolution. In other words, focus on how can we both win? Focus on how you can both win. If couples actually learn these skills and again I started this broadcast by saying wouldn't have been great if we were taught this stuff growing up. This is why there's two short books I want you to check out. One is called How to Build Trust in Relationship and the other is Couples Communication Guide. These are little tiny books that you can purchase on Amazon. By the way, there's a link to all the books I recommend. By the way, if you need some support check out the link to a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. If you're already appreciating this video please hit that like button, please share it with friends. Please hit that subscribe button because I'm here to say we're not taught this stuff. This stuff hasn't been talked to us. We have to learn this and conflict resolution is one of the most primary skills, relationship skills that one, and by the way, all it takes is one person to lead. But let me tell you this, if you're both reading these books if you're actually immersing yourself in the mechanics of building a relationship together you have a greater chance for success. Is this thinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. So, before I start the Q and A, which is gonna happen in a moment, I just wanna remind you the seven ways to resolve conflict. Number one, make the first move. Number two, ask God, universe, spirit for wisdom. Ask the higher powers for wisdom. Number three, begin with what's your responsibility or fault in the issuer conflict. Number four, listen to their hurt and their perspective. Number five, speak the truth tactfully and most importantly, kindly and succinctly. Number five, fix the problem, not the blame. And number seven, focus on reconciliation instead of resolution. Focus on how the two of you can come back to a loving space because that's what love would do and that's how love would respond. I hope you found value in this broadcast today. Now it's time for a short Q and A. If you have a question of me post the word question and then write the question there after or you can purchase the Super Sticker Super Chat or a Super Thanks, there's a little dollar sign in the chat box. If you're listening to the live stream right now you won't be able to see this in the recording. All the monies from the Super Sticker Super Chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son Connor Asley. That's a picture of him right there. That's with his brother Colin. He's my son who passed away four years ago and in his honor, I've started a scholarship fund to defray the cost of personal development and also to donate charities like the Hoffman Process and Insight seminars just to name a few. All right, so if you have a question for me write the word question, post that question there so I can find it on the chat box. And one real quick question someone came up is, is Jonathan, what is number five? Number five is speak your truth succinctfully, tactfully and kindly. That's number five. All right, all right, let's see what we've got here. Ms. Cole says, resonating absolutely yes, thank you. All right, I'm glad to hear that, thank you so much. Again, if you have a question post the word question or purchase the Super Sticker Super Chat Barbara says, that's me, I'm guilty of 10,000 words. I've learned from my dad and I'm learning to get to the point quickly. Yes, I'm learning to get to the point quickly yes, ladies have a propensity to do this more often I believe than men, but then again there are men that ramble, ramble, ramble ramble ramble or meander and ramble. Cecilia says, prayer is important. It helps as an affirmation for the emotional needs like assertiveness and self-esteem. Absolutely, God, universe, spirit, give me the power give me the strength, give me the wisdom to operate from a place of a kind tactfully succinct place where I can actually speak my truth with my partner in a loving kind way. So yes, I agree with that. All right, we have a couple personal questions here. All right, Marianne has a personal question. How long have you been doing the live videos? Have you always done your prayers live? I've been doing live videos for over a year now live streams on YouTube, so over a year now and I do my prayers more frequently of late. So thank you so much. PMS says, question, does the seven work for conflict misunderstandings with a colleague at work what's your take on that? So, interpersonal relationships, especially with a coworker has a different dynamic to it than what you have with a romantic partner. I think it's important to recognize that with work partners, it can even be more problematic sometimes because you don't have the ability to kiss each other at the end or be physical with one another or be emotional with one another. But yes, most of these skills work in any capacity. However, I will tell you this there are probably some fantastic YouTube videos about how to resolve conflict with a coworker. So I would check that out as well. All right, and more than welcome to take any personal questions as well. Here we go. Question, what if one of the people in relationship is not capable of this kind of discussion because of mental illness, specifically depression? Being in relationship with someone who's in a state of depression is a very problematic type of relationship to be in not out of disrespect for them. And yet it depends on how truly committed you are to one another. I'm a big proponent that if you have a daily practice of personal development, self-help and spiritual work, you are less likely to feel a state of depression. But I highly recommend checking out my book, What the Heck Is Self-Love? Anyway, a journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work like I just shared. But mental illness is something that must be treated by a professional and that is not my area of expertise. And I certainly would ask for counseling if there's conflict in relationship and work with a trained professional versus a dating coach like myself or a relationship coach like myself. So thank you Karen for that question. I really appreciate it. Leah kind of piggybacks on that. When a partner is depressed and isolates themselves, lead them or stay in contact. You know, it depends on how truly committed you are to one another. Is it the early stages of dating or are you in a fully committed relationship? I think it's important to support our partners at the same time we can't be enablers. And listen, I was in depression for a very long time. After my divorce and losing my quarter million dollar job, literally inside of 30 days, I was going through a divorce and I just lost my quarter million dollar year job in the insurance industry because they decided to close down my division. And I slowly began the crash and crash in my life. I was in the state of depression. Now I will tell you, I was actively dating in this period of time which didn't make me a really good candidate to be in relationship. And in some ways, I don't wanna say I used women that wouldn't be a fair assessment. But in a way, I used feminine energy to kind of shore up some emotional discourse in my life. So be mindful of those people that are going through a job crisis. They're going through a contentious divorce. Maybe they have issues with their children because if they're not doing something to help themselves which I didn't do for a very long time until I found personal development, self-help and spiritual work as my pathway to heal my depression, like many people I was doing drugs and alcohol for a very long time to numb the pain. I don't think any person could have helped me until I learned to help myself. And ultimately it's on that individual to help themselves. Otherwise, we can become enablers and I'm not a big proponent of being in relationship with people who can't help themselves. Sometimes there are extraordinary circumstances at the same time. The reality is here in the United States we are a fucking victim consciousness society. We blame others instead of pulling up our bootstraps and taking ownership in our own lot in life and then actually doing what's necessary to heal. I hit rock bottom in 2009. After the crash in 2009, I got decimated financially. I hit rock bottom. And within a year, I reached out to my father of all people and I said, dad, I've hit rock bottom. I need some love and support. And I could count on my mother and father. And so a human has to be able to decide to make the change for themselves. We can't do it for them. They have to look in the mirror and say, I want to do this for myself. We can always pray for them, God, universe spirit. I invite source energy to infuse my partner with love and light. And my hope is that they can actually find that space within themselves to heal themselves. And I invite that into their life, God, universe spirit. I invite that in. That's just my suggestion on this one. I mean, I'm not an expert in this field but I certainly hope that some wisdom is passed on here that gives you some insight on how to navigate this forward. All right, we're gonna take one or two more questions. Thank you so much again for that question, Leah. Okay, let's go swim in. Pyming says, thank you. And I don't know how to pronounce your name so please forgive me. Kate says, question. Thanks, Jonathan, such great points. I'm good on 12 and maybe three. It's a constant process. What happens if I can't resolve it? If you try all those things and nothing changes or very little. You know, ultimately you have to be with a partner who genuinely wants to work things out. You know, a lot of people, if you're not familiar with my chart, here, let's find this one. Bear with me one second. We've got so many charts. So there's three types of people actively dating. There's the users, the spenders and the growers and builders. The users are those people that are in it for short. And by the way, this is not a fact, it's just an opinion. And these are the percentages that I believe but those users are in it for the short term. The love bombers, players, gold diggers, people who are selfish only care about themselves. The builders and growers seek long-term commitment. They're emotionally grown up. They have good relationship skills. They have their act together. But most people operate as spenders. They seek companionship, connection and sex with no real direction, uncertainty, fearful. Usually have a dysfunctional life. You have to assess your prospect, folks. This is what I teach in my private coaching here. I teach you how to pre-qualify your prospect so you're not investing in a person that's not gonna be right for you. Folks, you've gotta recognize this. You've gotta become your own detective. You have to be Columbo. You have to make quick assertions about people because you may go down a rabbit hole of emotional discourse with someone who's not capable of being a relationship and what I mean by discourse is you've given your heart to someone only to find out that they're incapable of actually sustaining a healthy, happy relationship. And so what I teach you are the skills to ferret these out sooner rather than later so you're not stuck feeling like you've had one bad relationship after another. Kate, thank you for your question. I really appreciate it. We're gonna just take one more. Well, a couple more. Ruby says, how do you deal with the jealous person? N-E-X-T. Homie don't like to play that jealousy game. If a person does have jealousy issues and they're constantly barraging you based on their own insecurity, my suggestion is move on. I mean, okay. I mean, maybe you can have some conversation with them but usually people that have deep seated jealousy issues versus just garden variety envy. I mean, it's okay to envy someone else but when you're jealous about someone, you are insecure. And if that insecure person hasn't done some healing over that insecurity, it's a problematic relationship for you. And that's my suggestion there, Ruby. All right, Brenda writes, personal question. Do you and your girl Gal have similar spiritual values? By the way, there's a picture of my sweetheart right there. That was actually us on our first date. You know, I do believe that we have, yes, from a spiritual perspective, we absolutely do. Although she was raised in traditional religious background, what I appreciate most is we see, or at least this is how I perceive it, I can only speak for myself. I do believe that we see each other as spiritual beings having the connection to a higher power. At the same time, I don't believe we're tied down with the dogma of traditional restrictiveness within religious cultures or religious teachings. So yes, and I do believe, you know, when you really connect with someone at a heart-centered level, there's actually a spiritual connection that happens at the same time. When you're really connecting with someone's divinity and what I feel like with her, I really connect with that divine part of who she is. And there's this beautiful soul. Actually, it's not just her divinity. It's also, what I think what I like most about the two of us is that wonderment, that beginner's mind, that child within each one of us that we see, because that's where the real wonderment is. It's not just connected with our higher self, but it's also connecting with that little kid inside of us. And I just love the way we play together with our little kids. And I was just thinking that feels spiritual to me because it feels pure. We're not caught, I mean, the residue of our past, we have been shedding a lot of the residue, residue, residue of our past, which allows me to see more, and I hope she feels the same way. We see more and more of our little kid because our little kid has been wrapped in a mask of all the shit that happened in our childhood and our adult lives. And I think the way you peel that apart is just shedding the residue, doing it in a safe place. And this is what I'm so grateful for that we're both two emotional grownups that have some relatively strong relationship skills to be able to do this. This is why folks, I recommend all these books. By the way, there's a link below to get all the books I recommend because if you want to sustain a juicy, healthy, happy relationship, it's going to require doing some legwork, doing some weightlifting, doing some heavy lifting because the reality is, we are a fucking dysfunctional society for the most part that has terrible emotional maturity relationship skills and more importantly, terrible conflict resolution skills. And if all it takes is one person to be able to lead by example, and this is why I harp on this over and over and over again with most of you, is women are better leaders of the emotional relationship than men. Men are more inclined to be the physical leaders of a relationship and women are more better inclined at being the emotional leaders. This is why I beat the drum over and over and over again. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. All right. Any tips you can sort of attach? Uh, wow, we got lots of content here. You know, folks, I think, you know what? I'm going out to dinner with my sweetheart tonight. We're going down to the beach. We're going to have some seafood. I'm really excited about that. I think I'm going to wrap up today's broadcast today by saying just as a reminder, the seven ways to resolve conflict. First, make number one, make the first move. Number two, ask higher power for guidance. God, universe, spirit, ask for wisdom. Number three, begin with what's your or my own fault. Number four, listen for the hurt and their perspective. Number five, speak your truth succinctly, tactfully, and kindly. Number six, fix the problem, not the blame. And number seven, focus on reconciliation and not just the resolution itself. Focus on the resolution reconciliation. Once again, I hope you found value in this broadcast. If you did hit that like button, please subscribe. Please share this with your friends. Hit that bell so you can be notified of new videos. Certainly, once again, I want to thank those who purchased a super sticker, super chat. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to donate to the Conor Asley Scholarship Fund. And I'm going to wrap up this video as I always do. First off, giving myself a big, gigantic Jonathan Barrack of self love. I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm asking you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow, and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use a lot more love in our lives. I want to thank Susan and Eli and Brenda and Miss Cole and Elena and Kudos and Jennifer and Liske and Kelly and Jen and Stephanie and Ouija and Cecilia, child of God, Barbara. I think I mentioned your name folks. Oh, thank you so much for the kindness. Yes, my sweetheart and I are going to have a wonderful dinner tonight. All right, everyone, you take care. Have a great evening. Thanks, bye-bye now.