 You also can't have any space on this couch, it's for me. Hello. I don't really know what to say or necessarily what I'm going to end up talking about. Oh, you've started now. Yeah. I figured I would just hit record and we would figure it out as we went. Okay. Okay. You didn't, to be fair, you didn't, how close do I need to hold this? I mean. All right. Yeah. To be fair, you didn't tell me what this video was either. So it's a surprise to all of us. I don't really, well, there's a couple of things. Yeah. Well, when we got her, we wanted to do a video, but I just, I didn't, I couldn't bring myself to making like a personal happy video because of the other thing that's been going on that I also wanted to talk about. So now this is like the happy personal video that is also the sad thing. What is my hair doing? I don't know what side my hair flips on anymore. No. I'm going to start with the big thing. Well, that is the big thing. The other big thing. I'm taking a break. I'm taking my first real break, which I, I'm anxious even saying on talking about it. I've built it up in my head so much over the last several months, knowing that I wanted to take, what is she eating? Accord. Oh no. I'm taking the entirety of January off. I've been doing YouTube now. I mean, I started the channel almost 10 years ago. It's coming up on 10 years ago. And I, I've been doing it full time for at least six years. And I've never actually taken a break, like ever. No, we've taken like a week or two off usually in January, we take a week or two off, but then we like, we travel, we like go home to Australia. Or we went to Japan. But that was over two years, the years ago now. And then COVID happened and I, I, you know, I figured there was nothing. We weren't going anywhere. We weren't doing anything. So I just, I just, I don't think I even took a break. I think the last couple of years, I just maybe took it a little easy, but worked right on through. And it's really caught up with me in more ways than one. With both of us, actually. This is where I don't know where to begin. You know, when we moved here to PA, we made a video. When we were sat in front of all our moving boxes talking about how happy we were that we moved, but truth be told, we were like not doing good at all. And we still aren't really. The move was the hardest thing both of us has, have ever done. I think we may have talked about it a little, but it was a nightmare. Everything went wrong. I got heat stroke trying to pack all these trucks on my own because we had two trucks in a trailer. We did this move like we've done all of the other moves, which is the two of us packing the trucks. We've never had help. Never had help. We tried to hire. We tried to hire help and then they bailed on us. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, we did it all on our own. And it was June in Texas. So it was hot. Really, really hot. And we doubled the workload because we also moved my mom here. So yeah. And that was rough. And if you watch me on Twitch, you already know the story and you probably heard it a couple of times. I haven't really said it here, but you know, I'm not going to go into everything else that happened, but it was a three day straight drive. Our cat is being an idiot right now. I set up a Simpsons arcade. I'm just going to show you. Yeah, show him what he's doing. He's trying to get the highest score. I made a Simpsons arcade today and he's realized and he's decided it's climb time. And he's climbing all over it. I was trying to get in the machine. Anyway, it was way harder than we anticipated. And I've skipped over a lot of stuff to get to the point, but I ended up having a big breakdown, like a big mental breakdown. We're about half an hour from finally getting here on the road trip. And I had to pull the truck over on a highway and almost passed out on the side of the road and had what I think was my first real anxiety attack. I don't know. It sucked. I was very scary. I couldn't get back in the truck. My body just wasn't, my mind wanted to. I wanted, well, I don't know what wanted to. I wanted to be at the house. I wanted to be done, but I just couldn't physically get back in the truck. And we were stuck there until, if you want to be a part of it, be a part of it. And we were stuck there until a highway patrol came and carried us off the highway. And it took us hours to finally get home because I kept having to pull over and breathe because I was just having multiple anxiety attacks. Well, it was also night, which I feel like is way harder with anxiety, at least for me to drive. Well, we were rushing to get here before nightfall, which is why it was so stressful. Anyway, it was bad. It was bad to the point where I immediately got into therapy. I had anxiety attacks for about two weeks straight after that. It took a very long time for me to feel normal again. In fact, that really only started happening the last couple of months. I've been pushing through all the videos. Can you stop biting everything, please? The videos or all the streams, everything I've been doing. I mean, if you've been watching me on stream, I mean, I've broken down on stream multiple times. I have just been doing my best to hold on to get to January to take a big break. So we're finally there. There are so many distractions in this video right now. I mean, I feel like it's a pretty accurate representation of how our minds have been working. Kim decided somewhere in all this mess. I had a brilliant idea that it would be a good idea to get a puppy. Yeah, I thought why not add more stress to our already stress and get a thing that needs us constantly. But honestly, I feel like it's one of the better decisions. Yeah, you might have seen her in some videos. Again, it's been tough to want to talk too much about personal stuff lately, but it was a lot on us initially. The first three days, I genuinely felt like I was losing my mind because... We thought we'd done goofed because we could not handle the pressure of it. Essentially a baby. It's like literally having a human baby for the first few days because they don't know what's going on. They can't tell you and you're just freaking out because you don't know what you're doing. But I don't know. We got through it. This is the funny thing. I think that whole situation and the moving and everything has made us better together. Yeah. That's weird. We talked about that a lot, both together and in therapy. We've been talking a lot more lately, I feel like, than we have... Maybe since when we first started dating, we were communicating a lot because we had to because we didn't live in the same place. But I feel like we're better at communicating now than we've ever been. Yeah. So that's fun. We've talked about that a lot. Yeah. But Kim has always dealt with anxiety. And I was more on the depression side. Yeah. But now that I've been dealing with it, it literally developed into like agoraphobia. I couldn't leave the house. I still can't. You do do it. I'm doing better. Yeah. But I hate it every time. I went outside. I hated every second of it. I hate every second of it. It's the worst thing I've ever done. But yeah, it's made me way more understanding of what Kim deals with. And yeah, we talk constantly. And we're helping each other so much. And we've always been, I mean, we're a great couple and we were a great couple before we went to move. I feel like we wouldn't have gotten married if we sucked. Yeah. Yeah. We'd taken so many strides to get to that point though. Like we'd worked on both of ourselves individually and our marriage and our relationships so much to get to a good point. And then this, whatever we've gone through in the last six months has has tenfolded it. Yeah. Because I mean, I couldn't have done any of this without Kim. I would just feel so alone and scared. Yeah. But yeah, I don't know. I don't know how like, how far into go because it's such a long story. You know, it could be an hour long Twitch stream and it has been. Yeah. But, you know, after that big first attack, I thought I was getting better slowly over the first few weeks, but then I just had that one time we went grocery shopping like a month in and I just had to be another big anxiety attack and had to sit down in the middle of the store and then we tried to go back the next day because I was like, I'm not going to let this defeat me. But then I couldn't step foot inside the store. I tried going in with you like three times and I just turned around and went back to the car and just bolt my eyes out because I didn't know what was happening and I couldn't be in there. Helping this. I just don't know what's going to help. Yesterday I tried to go to the store with Kim and I got to the back and I had an anxiety attack and had to sit down in the middle of the store and then we left in a hurry and we couldn't get what we needed. I was terrified to go back again today but I wanted to do it because I wanted to conquer it. I took one step in the stores. I had to leave. So Kim and her mom were shopping without me and I was like, no this is stupid. I'm being dumb. I talked myself down and I went to go back in and I didn't get any further and I had to leave. I don't know what's happening to me. So yeah, I need an actual break with no YouTube, no Twitch, no anything. You probably won't see me for a while. You might see Kim. You can buy Kim's bears. Kim's selling these guys on her Etsy and she never told anyone. Just my bear hype man. So you can go buy these. That would support us a lot and Kim a lot. Look how cute they are. So sweet. I've got a couple of video ideas planned but I think for me the anxiety was a little bit different. I do have issues. I've gone back to having issues with going places by myself. I used to have that. When we were first married it was really bad. I hate that you understand it now but that's what it was like. It was miserable. I'm fighting against it now mostly because I know that I have to and I kind of like that I have to because it helps me somehow that I don't really have a choice and I have to go get the groceries and all that kind of stuff. We'd be ordering everything if it wasn't for you because I ain't going anywhere. And it is so expensive to have groceries delivered but for me lately is not wanting to perceive myself. So the idea of filming myself kind of makes me want to vomit. I'm working on that. That's my January. I've hated every time I've had to film anything since we moved. But that's your grocery store. You feel like you have to do that and you don't have a choice. I don't have a choice and I haven't had one. Like early in the year I booked all my sponsors and they're all contracts and I couldn't get out of them. I was literally forced since we moved to make five to six videos a month and every single one has sucked. I haven't enjoyed a single podcast recording. I haven't enjoyed a single video I've made. I've just rushed and got through it as quick as I can. And the Pokemon video about damn near it killed me. I hated making that video. I know. And I can't. That's not what I want to feel when I work. I want to get my mind right. So I'm taking all of January to work on myself. Get my diet back in order. Get working out again. Get my fitness back on track. Spend some time with the new puppy because I feel like I've barely seen her which she does do a lot. She does do a lot and it's nice. But I feel bad that I'm not taking her for walks or I haven't had time to do anything. I thought you want to see what she was like because we took a bunch of videos. We drove to get her in the most beautiful farm scenic Pennsylvania drive. We also did it in the fall which I feel like is the best time to see that area. It was just so pretty. When we went to get her there was her sister, Dahlia was Dahlia and Dahlia and there's Dahlia. She's so small. She's so stumpy. Look at that shitty tail she has. So she's so little. She's so tiny. She's so tiny. The weirdest part because I'd never got a dog before. We went to go see her and she was like loving on us and then we were like what do we do now? And the lady was like you just go. Just go. So we started walking and she started following us and I was like what are you doing? The thing that was crazy to me was like she knew that the transaction was happening because she went and said goodbye to each family member individually and then she started following us. It did seem like Dahlia went and said goodbye to all the humans and all the other dogs because she knew she was going. Look how sweet. She looks so nervous. I can tell by looking at her. She looked really nervous. She's been in a car before. She didn't want to get in a car after that for a while but now she'll jump in the car because she knows she's going to the park. She's going to the park and she's getting a Pappuccino. Oh I have video of her getting a Pappuccino. Oh this is when she started playing with Siney for the first time. So when we first got her we didn't know how the cats were going to adjust to it. They're literally fighting. I have a video of it here. I'm trying to show you. But they're doing it right now in real life. Siney wants to be in the video. I guess I can just save the video with that one because it's right there in person. Oh here it is. Oh no. She spilled it everywhere. But yeah, I don't really have too much else. People keep asking us how you liking PA. Are you happy with the move? And we feel like Debbie Downer's when we're like I haven't left the house. A mix of having to work too much but also been terrified to leave. So I barely know what's out there. We haven't had a chance to really do anything or explore. And to be honest I've been such a wreck emotionally and physically since we moved that it's been hard to not regret moving how much it messed me up. And we've talked about that a lot. We don't want to go back. No, that would make it even worse. There's nothing for us there. But there's a part of me that's like I wouldn't be like this if I had moved. Because it's again if you watch me on Twitch you already know how bad it is and how bad it's been. But yeah. Thank you to all of our friends that have helped so much. And they're also caring. I know it sounds silly to a lot of you. I think that a lot more people are going to be understanding than you think. The move but also I didn't realize how much working from home for the last half a decade messed me up. Because I would go weeks and months without leaving the house literally. Weeks and months. At all. And then COVID we didn't leave the house for like two years. Yeah. Unless we absolutely had to, yeah. And now I'm like terrified to leave the house. It was like a switch. And I don't know what happened or why or when. But I gotta try and fix that. Yeah, I think that's it. Honestly, I was even dreading making this video and I'm even at the end of my rope trying to make it. I'm so stressed. I mean everything is stressing me out including this puppy right now trying to eat this dang cord. So, yeah. I just need a break. And we have a new puppy. And I would be lost without Kim and all of you. So that's everything. And I'm hoping next time you see me in a video I record next that I'll be a newer, better version of myself. And Kim too. I'm on this journey with me and trying to straighten herself out as well. So, yeah. That's it. We have a new family now. And we're going to take some time with our family to get our heads in a better space. Because right now they're in a pretty bad one. So, alright guys, I love you and I'll see you as soon as I feel better. So, I love you too. Anything else you want to say? Thank you for being here and we'll see you when we see you. Go buy your bears. Go buy them. They're so cute. Go buy them all. Okay, bye.