 Where the fuck is this bitch? Hello, I'm here. I am a bitch. Can you tell me where class one is? Wait my guy, this way, this way, this way. Thank you. I need to get there fast. I'm late Why are you taking you the wrong way, bro? Leave me alone. Why are you attacking me? Why are you that insecure in yourself? Leave me alone. Excuse me. I'm late. I got it Thank you. It's so easy when you have such a reliable guide and the boldness to skip the line I am so brave. That is why I am Gryffindor Oh my god, can I just say I am a huge fan. Oh Well flattery works on you teacher time The hell is wrong with that cat can someone help me? I'm being eaten by this cat like really slowly Does someone kill this cat please? No, like kill it once it gets a taste for blood. There's no going back. It wants to be dead kill it kill it You got to fight fire with fire eat the cat Is that an order professor because I will do what you asked. I'm going teaching my first class. Oh, yes This is the classroom guys. Come on. I'm all about freedom here. I don't want you sitting up left and right I want you down here. Everyone mingling. This is Charm's class get charming first I'm gonna see how good you guys are you're gonna have to try and charm me charm your teacher You don't need spells the only spell you need is charisma. Damn. Look at him dance. Oh my god This is great my first day on the job and all the students are hitting on me. Oh, hey big boy You want to learn about charming? All right class. I'm gonna level with you here This is my first day and you probably know more spells than me I'm not very magical and I'm not really sure what I'm doing here Oh you guys are the best honestly, okay, this isn't charming. This is just sexual assault get off of me All right, I am literally stuck here. I'm feeling so charmed right now like this charm. Yeah, I'm charmed I'm swept off my feet here, but I'm literally stuck. Do you need help buddy? Don't call me buddy That's really demeaning the only spell I want is you you are good at charms 50 points to Hagrid Cuz I caught you in my hot beard what all right guys I assume you learned a lot today class dismissed. You all got a's you are Yes, I am a professor Unfortunately for you No problem if you feel like dragging anyone to the forest you go right ahead Hypothetically, of course You're not getting a spell. That's not how you charm. Give me spell dude. It's your soulless eyes. You're terrifying You're not getting one you haven't been charming. Oh my god. I hate being a teacher I Did it one spell now, please read the book and pass it along You had enough spells I taught you about life you learned a lot All right, you obviously missed the start of the lesson where I teach you to be charming Were you not paying attention I just taught you how to be charming does the guy with a sword over there You should probably try and charm him like me. All right. It's on you're gonna fight Billy Willie He's my champion. No, no, no, no. He's a pinata now. Why is that detective Hagrid in this cave? Detective Hagrid, please solve this mystery Why is Hagrid so sweary it's detective Hagrid look who it is. I think he's about to solve this mystery What is the mystery? I don't know. I think someone's been kidnapped. Wait a second. Are you the kidnapper Hagrid? Yeah, holy shit. This is a twist detective. What do you think? Don't ask stupid questions Well ask stupid questions get stupid answers and that means your answer was stupid sucks to be you fucking liquid me Alvin listen Biggie you better shut up She see that like down here. I've got a power belly mate You know a power belly is not really and I don't think I want to know drown horrible death in this river right here I'm gonna like put your head down. You're gonna drown. It's gonna be pretty horrible You can lick my power belly I think I'll go with the drowning please or if there's an option for a mystery box Then I might take the mystery box. Just give it a little bit. No, thanks. I'll take the drowning, please Yeah, I really want to drown myself Hagrid. Oh my god. You're so heavy. You're pulling me down This is the most terrifying image Okay That's me drowning Hagrid that's me drowning right now My last word sir, I really wish I picked the mystery box I knew he wasn't a real detective anyway didn't have it in him. I'm gonna tell people you tried to drown me Yeah, yeah, I will hey Pip Hagrid just tried to drown me. He's the worst detective I've ever seen He's the terrible detective Yeah, you didn't drown shit cuz you weren't able to you're weak I know what you fucking sleep. I'll see you tonight. I hope so God. He's flirty. What the hell is going on here Well, I'm just gonna let you guys do it. I hope you have a good night. What the hell is this bed sheet doing? Oh fuck. What's the fun? Can I come in please? Okay? That seemed unnecessary. Hey detective Hagrid drowned any kids recently I'm watching you punk. What'd you fucking say to me? Yeah, I'm fecking watching you detective my ass I got something for you to inspect inspect my ass Get away from him right now. I got a case for you. It's my ass. Don't think I fucking forgot about you I'm thinking of fucking dorms. I know what he can do to people. He tried to drown me and I was like nah I'm not drowning. I kidnapped the The ground keepers cat and I put it in the Hufflepuff dorms and then I told them the Hufflepuff And they all got in trouble. It was sick. That is fantastic Next time we should take it a step further and eat his cat But like say it was Hufflepuff like as a joke a weird man in the forest gave me a rope as an ingredient I don't think you meant to have that maybe not, but I bet it makes a good potion Jason When will I use the rope you gave me? Oh? Sorry, I don't have rope and do you have a rope on you? I had but then I killed myself because I was afraid I'd get in trouble turns out the rope actually came in handy after all That Hagrid guys been drowning children down by the lake. I believe I didn't know you were there. I didn't know knock you out Dude what the hell occupied knock please Jesus, I'm killing everyone. This isn't a confession box This is a bathroom stall get out of here. You don't seem to understand English. Do you this is occupado? This is the wrong classroom. We're not we're in class four. Oh wait. Oh, you're right Teacher. I'd like to tattle on someone. Please Tinky go up and tell him what you did Tinky go tell him tell him what you did. I have a confession He's coming out everyone let's all support him in what he's doing everybody clap clap. He's coming out It's okay if you were lost you found yourself now I'm glad you came out wait. We could do a symbolic thing tinky get in the closet over there and come out It'll be really symbolic. All right. Yeah, go in. All right now now come out. Wow that is so symbolic I love that so beautiful. Does anyone want to tell me what a muggle is wait? Hold on come out the closet again I did it again. He's That sounds great. This is gonna be so organized get in the buddy system everyone What a bitches it's class one. I still don't know what a muggle is, but I'm happy to be here You shut the f-up Sir, I still don't know what a muggle is No, I don't want the homework How can you give me homework when you don't even tell me what a muggle is the class is called muggle studies You need a spell the bud. I want to know what a muggle is. We're studying muggles. I don't want homework Jesus Christ I'm trying to be you won't teach me Tell me what a muggle is I'm tired of you. I'm sick of you. You're sick of me. How you just met me actually I can understand that professor There's someone photos synthesizing over there. Oh fantastic. I am Voldemort. What's this guy doing? What why do we have him? Oh, he's a gift to you take him. I don't want it. Did you get the receipt? You want to set Voldy? What? Oh, yes, thank you. This will come in handy. I'm into some kinky Voldemort stuff. Oh, uh, Joey Go get tinky that guy tinky that just died Voldemort need tinky Voldemort. I brought you a gift. Oh, yes, Voldemort need tinky Yeah, it's a new experience for both of us. Don't worry. It's my first time too. I'm usually the hostage What can we do to him? I'm new to the the dark arts. I was talking penis off the way Oh, you settle down now You take a seat and think about stuff before you say stuff make him guess the next color for his life What that doesn't make any sense a torture him do something cool for Voldemort We're so bad at being evil Jesus Christ someone do something ha I made his head big he looks stupid good evening my child What are you doing silly goose? You think tinky? I saw him. I saw him dying All right, I didn't kill him. No, but someone else did Vada or a wolf bite or whatever it is coming any moment. I don't bite Unless you want me to That's a little fun thing. I say these guys might bite though Benjamin This is the part where you run away guys. I think I'm done being evil I just want to go to school and learn, you know what stopping you. You know what you're right I needed that. Thank you everyone. You're really looking out for me. Teach me a spell right fucking now I'm gonna teach you a spell a spell that's called manners All right, there was no need for that class one come on It's an all-out assault get out of the way Harry or you won't be the boy who lived for long We open fire as soon as we see them. All right. Follow me. Come on. You too caretaker. You're with us All right, well, maybe you should learn to spell first. All right, let's go to class one learn to spell you idiot All right boys get ready. We're going in move in Hey, fuck you guys Who's the useless teacher now? Blurgus. All right, herbology bros. Let's move out. We showed them a lesson something they're incapable of Useless teacher. All right, let's split guys. We're here. I'm gonna gather around gather around class. What are we gonna learn about? well Class dismissed everyone you have a fantastic day Here what the hell no homework because you've done so well today in class Hey, there's no need for that language apparently it's got to be in the last 180 seconds of class I can't dismiss you yet. All right. Well, let's talk about our feelings then class No, we'll talk about your feelings everyone, please at the same time Plants have to do feelings You're starting right now keep going Just leave it all out you okay, I'll talk to you after class. I don't have any friends, dude Hold on class. I'm dealing with someone right now Look, I don't know who you're talking to but there's no need for that language What if I have a tiny, you know what? There's a spell for that. Oh, I used it on the wrong body part. You know what you look great a teacher Can you buy my woman for me? She's getting sold by the dark forces. Oh, let's go find your your girlfriend Come on. Let's go. Let me tell you they're gonna be shaking in fear when they see the Herbalogy teacher coming come on guys. We're gonna go deal with the dark lord. I am the herbology teacher I am the chosen one I teach her apology you think I can do magic I would be doing anything else with my life if I knew magic We're here to assist the class in any way needed did someone need a herbalogy teacher. I'm telling a story I'm telling a story. All right. Blurgus. I can see you're intimidated by my teaching abilities But I'll take over from here. You can go on a break now Oh God, I mean the muggle studies professor crying in look I'm sorry You're the only teacher who's lower than me on the hierarchy like I teach her apology and a school about magic I teach them about leaves and shit. It feels bad. I just have to punch down your subject is not of importance Can you just let the herbalogy professor teach? Shut the fuck up. Yeah, you stand up through yourself, but not against me though. If you do it against me I'm gonna be mad Shut the fuck up. Oh my god. We've broken him. No, no, that was good. You finally got your inner wizard out What have you done we've made so much progress