 The Jake Benny program, presented by Lucky Strike. V-L-A-S-E-C-C-C-A-A-A-A-A-M... Smoker Lucky to feel your level best. Smoker Lucky to feel your level best. Your level best. That's how you will feel when you light up a lucky. Because Lucky's Fine Tobacco picks you up when you're low, calms you down when you're 10. Put you on the right level to feel and do your level best. It's important to you as a smoker to know that Fine Tobacco can do this for you. And as you know, LS, MFT, LS, MFT, Lucky Strike means Fine Tobacco. No wonder more independent tobacco experts, auctioneers, buyers, and warehousemen, smoke Lucky Strike regularly than the next two leading brands combined. It's good to know that Fine Tobacco picks you up when you're low, calms you down when you're 10th. By putting you on the right level to feel and do your level best, that's the Lucky Level. So, smoke a Lucky to feel your level best. Yes, the next time you buy cigarettes, remember, Lucky's Fine Tobacco puts you on the right level, the Lucky Level, to feel your level best and do your level best. Smoke a Lucky to feel your level best. Get on the Lucky Level where it's fun to be alive. Get a carton of Lucky's and get started today. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Barry Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Tennessee, and yours truly, Donald. Ladies and gentlemen, we bring you our Master of Ceremonies who today... Wait a minute, Don. Wait a minute. Just a minute. Today, I'd like to have the honor of introducing you. Me? Yes, Don. Now, give me the microphone. Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to bring you the man who was selected by Fame Magazine as America's outstanding radio announcer for 1948, and here he is, Don Wilson. Thank you, and thank you very much, Jack. I really didn't expect you to introduce me like that. Well, why shouldn't I, Don? You deserve it. According to Fame Magazine, the radio critics and columnists selected you because you have poise, warmth, perfect enunciation, and a voice with an ingratiating quality that not only invites confidence, but has great dignity, and they're right. Jack, you'll never know how much I appreciate you're saying that on the air. Why? I have an uncle in Duluth who thinks I'm nothing but a big fat slob. Oh, well, Don, I don't care what your uncle thinks. I go by Fame Magazine and they chose you the number one announcer for 1948. And to show you my appreciation, I'm going to double your salary. Oh, Jack! No, no, Don. No, no, you deserve it. Next week, your check will be exactly double. Well, gosh, Jack, thanks. And I hope you make good use of the extra money because the following week, you'll be back to your original salary. What? You're only giving me a raise for one week? Certainly, you were chosen the best announcer for 1948. Now, the following week will start the new year, and who knows who they'll choose in 49? You know, when they take that poll next year, your uncle may be right. Believe me. Oh, that's very funny, Jack. It really is. No matter what situation arises, you always seem to think of something funny to say. What? You got the award for the best announcer. I really mean that, Jack. I really mean that, you know? And it's very funny. It really is. You always say funny things, and it's no wonder in the very same issue of Fame Magazine, you were selected as the nation's number one comedian. I was? Yes. Really? Certainly, Jack. It was a wonderful article about you. It was right in the middle of the magazine on page, uh, page, uh... Twenty-nine. That's, that's where it was. Oh, then you read it. Well, Don, I must confess that I just glanced through it, but do me a favor, will you? What is it, Jack? All of Fame Magazine was very kind and bestowing dishonor upon me. I wish you wouldn't mention it. Why? Look, Don, every member of the cast will come in and start congratulating me and making such a big thing out of it. I'll, you know, I'll be terribly embarrassed. Well, Jack, now I can understand why the article paid such a glowing tribute to your modesty. It did? Yes. On page, uh, page, uh... Thirty-two. It was right opposite the ad for Vigorol. Anyway, Don, promise me you won't mention the article in front of the members of... Oh, oh, hello, Mary. Oh, hello, Jack. Hello, Don. Hello, Mary. Mary, why are you so out of breath? Well, I rode down here on the bus and I got off at the wrong place. Uh-huh. Then I remembered we don't broadcast from there until next week and I had to run all the way back here. Oh, oh, yes, yes. Mary, why did you come to the studio on a bus? Well, I was going to drive down, but I didn't want to use Jack's Christmas present so soon. His Christmas present? Mary, did Jack give you a car? No, a gallon of gas. Mary, that wasn't gas in that can. There was a gallon of perfume. Well, thanks very much, Jack, and I wish you'd send me some more. Uh-huh. Mary, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Thank you very much, Jack, and I wish you'd send me some more. Oh, did you like it? I think it's wonderful. I put some on my dress and three moths dropped dead. Oh, good. Say, Mary, what'd you receive from home? Did you get a nice present from your sister, Babe? Uh, no, Jack. Babe couldn't send me anything this year. She lost her job. Oh, isn't she modeling anymore? Uh, no, that harness shop closed up. Oh. Oh, well, that's a shame. Yeah, and I sent her a peek-a-boo blanket for Christmas. You would have looked nice on her, too. Anyway, Mary, come in. Is Jack Benny here? Yes, yes, I'm Jack Benny. Well, where's the stuff? Stuff? What stuff? I'm from Beacon's Van in St. Louis. Oh, well, that's a shame. Yeah, and I sent her a peek-a-boo blanket for Christmas. I'm from Beacon's Van in Storage Company. I understand you're moving. Well, not till next week. I'll see you later. Oh, no, you're done. I'm going to sit down and wait. But you don't have to wait. Well, are you sure you're going to move? Yes. What are you so worried about? Well, last November, we had five trucks waiting in front of the White House, and you know what happened to that job. Oh, yes, yes. We carried that piano in and out 19 times. Well, don't worry about this one. I'll carry my own violin. Goodbye. Oh, say, Jack, that was pretty clever remarked you just made about carrying your old violin. It was funny, wasn't it, Mary? Yeah. By the way, Jack, did you see that article in Fame Magazine? Oh, forget it, Mary. But Jack, a person should be proud to have Fame Magazine write such nice things about him. Mary, please, not in front of all these people. It's embarrassing. Oh, why shouldn't I talk about it? I think it was a wonderful tribute to Don. I know, Mary. Oh, oh, Don. Yes, they selected him as the number one announcer in radio. I know, I know. Mary, I hope you won't think I'm boasting, but I'm very proud of that article, especially where they commented on my resonant voice. Resonant voice, resonant voice. What a ham. And, Mary, there was another paragraph that said that my voice not only invites competence, but has great dignity. That was on page, uh, page... What page was that, Jack? Who remembers pages? Now, let's stop this silly talk and get on with the show. Jack, what are you so mad about? Mary, I'm not mad. It just so happens... Oh, hello, Mr. Benny. Oh, hello, Dennis. It just so happens that I... Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, kid. It just so happens that I... Happy New Year. Happy New Year. It just so happens... Can I go home now? Certainly. Mary, it just so... Dennis, come back here. You just arrived. Why do you want to go home? Well, my aunt is visiting us for the holidays. My mother wants me to entertain her. Oh, your aunt, eh? Your mother's sister? No. Oh, then she's your father's sister? No. Dennis, she's your aunt. Who's sister is she? Her brother's. Well, for heaven's sake, who's her brother? Oh, I don't know. Since I got two shows, we picked up a lot of relatives. I... I know what you mean, kid. Yeah, the house is full of them. I got an uncle in the back bedroom, and I can't understand him at all. Why? He said he's from Duluth, and he hates Don Wilson. Well, then, Dennis, shake hands with Don Wilson. You must be blood relative. Then why has he got all the blood? I don't know! By the way, Dennis, I want to thank you for the Christmas gift you sent me. Oh, did you like it? Yes, but Dennis, there was only one silk stocking in the package. One of them must have got lost. Oh, no. I've got the other one at home. Wait a minute, Dennis. Only one silk stocking? Why didn't you give Mary both of them? Well, my mother said if you send too much to a girl, she'll think you're serious. The sound effects didn't cost so much. I'd have a gunshot right here. Go ahead, kid. Let's hear your song. Okay. Never go across the sea to Ireland Then may the sun go down May the breeze is blowing over the strange You sung by Dennis Day, and very good, Dennis. In fact, I don't think anybody could have sung it as well. Oh, yeah? What do you mean, oh, yeah? Oh, don't try to flatter me. The other day I saw you go into a music store and buy one of Frank Sinatra's records. So what? I've seen you walk into a store and buy records by Bing Crosby. Well, he has four kids to support. Oh, yes, four boys. What are their names again? Gary Lindsey Durstin on Osborne. Oh, stop, will ya? Oh, Jack, that reminds me. Are you still going with Mr. Osborne's secretary, little old Daisy Dickinson? Yes, Mary. As a matter of fact, she's coming over to my house for dinner tonight. Really? When'd she make the reservation? She didn't have to. I'm inviting her. She wants to leave a little something under the plate. That's up to her. Anyway, I've invited her to dinner. Well, I hope you take that sign down in your dining room. The fourth cup of coffee, free. I took that down right after the Thanksgiving rush. Anyway, Mary, I'm really serious with Daisy. You know, she's one of the sweetest girls I've... Oh, hello, Phil. Hiya, Jackson. Hello, folks. Here's little old Harris on the day after Christmas. So cheer me from Alaska to the pan of all it must. Hmm, how do you like an entrance like that? Phil. What? Phil, how in the world can you walk out on the stage like that and ask an audience to applaud you? Jackson, when you ain't got talent, you gotta have guts. That I can believe. Yeah, yeah. Hey, hiya, Livy. Say, Liv, I don't want you to think I forgot you this Christmas. Well, Phil, I was a little bit hurt when I didn't even get a card from you. A card? Listen, doll face. I got something special for you. Come here, baby. Come right over here. Come on up a little closer. Move right in. That's it. Now, pucker up them lovely lips and hold on tight, babe. Come some more. Well, wait a minute. Hey, our Livy, wrap that as a gift and it'll keep you warm till next year. Phil, Phil, you are without a doubt the most egotistical man I ever met in my life. Mary, why'd you let him kiss you? Mary. Mary. She won't be able to talk for an hour or two. Mary. Mary. Mary, say something. Hi, Mark. Now, Mary, stop going along with him. He's hammy enough. Now, let's try... Oh, say, Jack, I want to talk to you about the commercial. Hiya, Don. Hiya, Don. Hello, Phil. Hey, Don, I want to congratulate you on being picked the number one announcer on the air. Well, thank you, Phil. Now, I don't want to seem immodest or undignified, but the honor will certainly lend to my prestige. I have an uncle in the back room who thinks you're awful. Then it's quiet. And, Phil, in this thing about Don, if you're referring to that article in Fame Magazine, you know there was something about me in it, too. I wouldn't know about that, Jackson. My kids must have skipped that part when they read it to me. Your kids read it to you? So aren't you ashamed to let your children know you can't read? No, Jackson, they love it. They think I'm a character. What? Whenever I do something, the little one nudges the big one and says, get him. Well, I got to say one thing, Phil. For a guy like you, you've got a wonderful family. Well, thanks, Jackson. Hey, by the way, I was just going to ask you if you want to go hunting with me. I'm going up to High Sierras again. The High Sierras? Yeah. Oh, are you going to hunt? Oh, no. Oh, no. You're not going to catch me with that gag again. Go work it on somebody else. Say, Phil, what are you going to do this New Year's Eve? Well, me and Remle are going around frightening people, you know, like we did on Halloween. Frightening people? Yeah, what fun we had. We made up like goats and went to a nightclub where Maxie Rosenblum and Maxie Bear were doing their acts. What's exciting about that? Well, here's what happened. She Remle started off by going into Rosenblum's dressing room and began to haunt him. Oh, and did you haunt Bear? No, I had his sheet on. I wish you had to go a long way for that one, but it was worth the trip, kid. So long, kid. Bye, Phil. So long, Phil. You know, I think, say, Jack, what are you staring at the door for? I was just thinking about Phil. Remember what a nice, normal fellow he was before they started hiding microfilm in his head? Oh, well. Say, Jack, I want to talk to you about the commercial. Jack, a minute, Don. Before we get started with the commercial, there's something I want to phone Rochester about. Well, can't it wait until later? No, Don, this is important. I'm having my new girlfriend, Daisy Dickinson, over for dinner tonight, and I want to see if Rochester has everything all set. It'll only take a minute to call him. Say, Maple, what is it? Great, Phil. Mr. Benny's line is flashing. Yeah, I wonder what Portrait of Jenny wants now. I'll plug in and see. Yes, Mr. Benny. I'll bring your house immediately. Huh? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I got them. Thank you very much, and a merry Christmas to you, too. Oh, yeah, they were just beautiful, and they fit me perfectly. Now I'll bring your house. Great, Phil. What could Mr. Benny give you for Christmas? My two front teeth. Yeah, I didn't even notice. Smile and let me see them. Too great should merry Christmas, Jack Benny. Say, what did he give you, Maple? Well, Mr. Benny knows how I've always wanted to see a Rose Bowl game. And he's taken you to the game? No, he gave me his place in the ticket line. You know, he's awful thoughtful this time of the year, and kind of cute, too. When he came in this afternoon, he tipped his hat to me, and I just had to kiss him. I know, I kissed him, too. He's a shrewd one, all right. Planting mistletoe in his toupee. Yeah, only he doesn't need mistletoe with me. I kind of go for him. Last night, he drove me up to the top of Mulholland Drive, and we parked there for hours. Why, Maple, slap saddle. You're breaking the mood. Anyway, we drove up there early in the evening, and as we sat in his car, the city looked like a carpet of brilliant jewels as the millions and millions of lights went on. Oh, that must have been romantic. Romantic? Nothing. He just sat there wishing he owned the electric company. That's funny. He's never liked that with me. What do you mean? A few months ago, he took me out in his car, and my goodness, was he a nigger beaver? Did he try to kiss you? How do you think I lost my two front teeth? Oh, good. There was a time I thought that... Hello? Yeah, Mr. Benny, I tried to get your house, but the line is busy. Oh, well, I'll try again later. Thank you. Say, Jack, I've been trying to talk to you about the commercial. I think we'll have to do the commercial without the sportsman quartet. But why? Aren't they here? Well, yes, but that's what I've been trying to tell you. They have very bad colds. All four of them? What are they doing about it? They chipped in and bought a four-way cold tablet. Don, you got the award for being an announcer, not a comedian. And anyway, whether they have colds or not, we need a commercial. I know, Jack, but how can they sing when they have colds? That's their problem. All I know is I have to have a commercial. Now go ahead with it. Okay. Take it, boys. Every day is ours Again, with new years in source Again, we will all spend the past Thank you, happy days for you and me Lucky strikes are here to stay In fact, they never bid the way So we'll celebrate, stars What do you think? With an LSMMT Too bad you've all got the flu I can tell you just what to do Get in bed and stay there When we're low and things are rough We'll lie to love to take one puff Then we'll feel much better sure enough Happy days are here again Here again They must have caught that cold from Guy Lombardo Anyway, Don, it was all right Jack, you ought to be ashamed of yourself Making the boys sing when they had such bad colds They had to sing through their noses Fred Allen's been doing that for 20 years And he sounds awful Happy New Year, Dennis Don, you better tell me... Well, Portland, look who's coming down Main Street Tight as moody Dennis Howdy, Bob Dennis! Now, Don, you better tell the boys Oh, for heaven's sake, come in Dad, remember me, Mr. Benny Huh? Oh, yes, you're the lingerie clerk In that department store Sold me that nightgown for my sister last week Yeah, the nightgown with the loops on the bottom Yeah A nightgown with loops on the bottom Yeah, when you go to bed, you put the loops over your toes So the nightgown won't creep up on you Yes Yeah, did you send it to my sister? No, that's why I'm here We found out those nightgowns are dangerous Dangerous? Yeah, my wife has one of those nighties with the loops And last week in the middle of the night She started to get out of bed and almost broke her neck How? What happened? She had her loops over my toes Oh, well, I'll come down to the store And get something else from my sister Okay, ask for me Ronald J. Coleman Ronald J. Coleman? I threw in the J so people won't confuse us Well, I'll see you later Goodbye Goodbye You know, Mary I can't understand why they put a fella like him in the lingerie department Well, Jack, maybe deep down inside, he's very sensitive How can he be sensitive? He came in here with a golfer sticking out of his collar Anyway, I'll have him I'll get it Hello? Hello, Mr. Banders, Rochester Hello, Rochester, I was trying to get you before Is everything ready for dinner tonight? Don't worry, boss, everything will be fine, just fine Good, good, I really want to impress Miss Dickinson Now, what'd you do about the champagne? Same as always, I slapped a mum's label on a bottle of ginger ale and put it on ice What? And when you open it, I'll be hiding behind the screen with my pop gun Look Let's synchronize our watches now Okay, I've got five, twenty-eight and a half Roger Good, now, Rochester, I hope you remember the instructions I gave you about tonight Yes, sir After I finish serving you and Miss Dickinson, I'm supposed to turn all the lights down low Uh-huh Put soft music on the phonograph and spray the room with Chanel number five Uh-huh Then quietly leave the room and let your blue eyes take it over from there That's right Then when I'm outside, I'm supposed to turn the garden hose on the windows So you can say, look, honey, it's raining, you can't go home yet Yeah, but watch it tonight, the last time the window was open The girl hadn't been asked for William, she would have drowned Now, Rochester, fix everything up nice and I'll be home in a few minutes Okay, uh, uh, goodbye Goodbye Oh, say bye Now what? I forgot to tell you, there was quite a bit of excitement today An airplane flew over Hollywood and starred skyriding Skyriding? What did it say? Next week, Jack Benny's program moves to Moves to where? Moves to where? I don't know, NBC's anti-aircraft, shut him down Bye Rochester Goodbye Ladies and gentlemen, next week we'll be with you again at the same time With the same cast on another network However, I want to take this opportunity of thanking everyone connected with NBC For a very pleasant association And I also want to wish everybody a very happy new year Jack will be back in just a minute, but first Smoke a lucky to feel your level best Smoke a lucky to feel your level best You see, lucky's fine tobacco Picks you up when you're low, calms you down when you're tense Put you on the right level to feel and do your level best It's good to know that fine tobacco can do this for you And that's why it's so important that you select and smoke the cigarette of fine tobacco Lucky Strike For as every smoker knows LS, MFT, LS, MFT Lucky Strike means fine tobacco Mild, ripe, light tobacco No wonder Lucky Strike is the overwhelming favorite of tobacco experts For more independent auctioneers, buyers, and warehouses Smoke Lucky's regularly, then the next two leading brands combined So, smoke a lucky to feel your level best Get on the right level, the lucky level Where there's real joy in living Where it's fun to be alive The lucky level where you feel your best And do your best Smoke a lucky to feel your level best Smoke a lucky to feel your level best Get on the lucky level, where it's fun to be alive Get a carton of Lucky's and get started today Good night everybody Ladies and gentlemen, we'll listen again next time to the Jack Money program Which will be heard on another network at the same time This is NBC, the national broadcast