 at the speed of light, the cloud of dust, and a hearty high old silver, the Lone Ranger. Faithful Indian companion, Tonto, the daring and resourceful mask rider of the plains led the fight for law and order in the early western United States. Nowhere in the pages of history can one find a greater champion of justice. Return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear. Out of the past come the thundering hoof beats of the great horse silver. The Lone Ranger rides again. The small southwestern town of Rio Vegas, situated near the river, and a scant half mile from Fort Craddock, had been built originally by the Spanish conquistadors. And true to old world custom, it was still surrounded on all four sides by a high doby wall. Huge iron bound wooden gates provided the only entrances and exits. And it was through one of these gates that a strange conveyance made its way one afternoon in late summer. A large canvas covered spring wagon pulled by a team of reluctant mules was driven by a portally pleasant-faced man wearing a tall beaver hat. Oscar Merriweather, salesman extraordinary, rang his team to a halt directly in front of Joshua Cratch, General Store. Joshua! Hey, Josh! German states has got a fog on voice like yours, unless it's one of them junk heads you're driving. She could have agrees with me. I should have reserved that remark from both of you. I haven't seen you in quite a spell, Oscar. What you doing down this way? Surely, Mr. Pratt, you haven't forgotten that a traveling representative for the Merriweather wholesale mercantile company never disappoints a customer. Oh, well, I... Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift accomplishment of their appointed roots. It ain't snow to rain down here in one thirty years, was the pity. What you're selling this time, Merriweather? It isn't what I'm selling, Mr. Pratt. It's the fact that I offer you unparalleled opportunity to purchase extraordinary merchandise at bargain prices. You sure about that? Now, what do you need? Tinware, cotton goods, oil cloth, mustard seed, cotton legs, buggy bolts, fine paintings, carpet bags, bedspreads, iron plows, fascinators, ladies hats, Valentine's, butter churns, books. That's what you need. Joshua, I'm offering a complete twelve-volume set of the Merriweather classics. All of the wisdom, romance, history, and philosophy of the ages for only two dollars and forty cents. Most of my customers can't read. And besides that... But can't read? Then they must write. I have a special item just for that purpose. It's something you should stock up on right away. Pens, Joshua. Steel pens. Everybody needs a pen. Write a letter home to mother. Write one to your sister, to your brother, right to your congressman. Oh, shut up. I ain't gonna buy any pesky steel pens than you know it. Very well, Joshua. You forced me to unveil the item I had constructed especially for you. What do you mean? You'll notice that the body of my wagon is a little different this trip. Canvas curtains on both sides. What's the item? It's inside the wagon. I'll pull back the curtain and show you. What? A life-sized stocked horse. Oh, not stuffed. A wooden horse. A giant, true-to-life replica of every gallon steed whoever lived. Notice the artistry of construction. Full muscles, back and legs. Flowing mane and tail and genuine rhinestone eyes. Truly a magnificent animal. Oh, what in town nation is the item bringing a fake wooden horse down here to real race? For you, Joshua. Me? I don't want to buy any full contraption like that. I can see you don't understand. Oh. You need this wooden horse mounted right here in front of your store. All the big end poems in East have one. Why? Don't make any sense. As a progressive businessman, you've got to advertise. Let the people know you sell harness, buggy whips, bridles, curry combs, everything for a horse. What better way to tell them than by placing this effigy of Pegasus in front of your store? If that ain't the most dad-blame, local idea I ever heard of. There are a hundred other good reasons why you should buy it, Joshua. No. How? No, you won't, Maryweather. I've been fooled by your slick line of care before. Talking me into buying truck I don't need and can't save it. Joshua. How about the last time you was here? Sold me 60 barrels of coal oil, and they're still a-setting back there in the storeroom. Well, maybe that kerosene order was a little, shall we say, far-sighted. But this wooden horse is something... No, sir. Not on your life. If you want to sell that fake critter, take him over to the west wall. There's a band of kaiyo engines over there. They might buy it. I noticed those Indians when I drove in. How come they're camped inside the wall? Oh, nothing wrong with that. They're harmless redskins. They stop here every year to patch the tents and do some trading. Oh, I see. Take your fancy wooden horse over there. Maybe... The world was back. Calc Potcher's letting off steel, I suppose. No, it wasn't. Those hyenas are part of Maudi Steel's gang. Maudi Steel? You mean the outlaw? Well, I thought... I mean, I heard he was in jail. Right here in Rio Vegas. Yeah, he's supposed to be jailed, but there's something mighty queer going on here in town. Well, I don't understand. If Maudi Steel is in jail, how come he and his gang are cutthroats right in and out of here whenever they please? Well, I'm sure I don't know. That question's been bothering me for quite a spell. By Juniper, I'm going to get the answer to it right now. I'm going to walk up to the courthouse and see Bill Donegan, our combination sheriff and mayor. You want to come along? Sure. Why not? Good afternoon, Sheriff. Or should I say your honor, Mayor Donegan? Listen, Maudi, you and your gang shouldn't ride down the main street and broad daylight shooting off guns. Oh, you heard us, huh? Just glad to be back, that's all. We put in a hard night's work last night over in Shelton County. What was it? Train robbery or a cataross? Now, Sheriff, that's a professional secret. It's got to stop. It can't go on. Yeah? Why can't it? You said all you wanted to do was hold up here in town for a few days. Well? You've been here almost a month, and instead of five or six men using my jail for a hideout, there must be 50 down there. Got any objections? Yes, I have. I'm going to see the two... Now, wait a minute, Donegan. You're dealing with Monty Steele, not one of your 10-star deputies. What Monty? I put 5,000 in gold on the line, and all I asked you to do was arrest all of us. Sure. I was local enough to sell out to an outlaw. I know that now. Arrest the gang so they can use the town as headquarters. You know, the law from other counties can't touch you as long as you're technically under arrest here. You're rolling on, huh? If this keeps up, you'll have so many gunslingers in here you'll take over the town. It's already happened, Sheriff. What? What do you mean? From here on out, you're taking orders from me. I won't do it. I'll tell everybody what's going on. I'll tell everybody. Now listen to me, 10-star out. Oh, excuse me, Sheriff. What is it, Zeke? A couple of chants outside. I want to see you. Who are they? Joseph Pratt, a friend of his. Joshua. I'll tell him I'm busy. I can't see. Now wait. Of course, the sheriff will see the jeans. They'll only come in. All right. But I can't see. Listen, I don't know what these jaspers want, but be sure you talk straight. I'm any handy with this shooting. Right in there. Hi, Sheriff. Hi. Just fine, Joshua. Meet a friend of mine. Travelling salesman. Oscar Murrayweather. I'm glad to know you, Mr. Murrayweather. Pleasure's mine, Sheriff. And this is Mr. Steele. Monty Steele. Hi, Agents. I thought I recognized the vomit. Ain't he supposed to be in jail? Well, you see, I brought Monty over here to the office to ask him some questions. Good idea. I want to ask a few myself. Do? What's on your mind, Joshua? Same thing that's on the mind of every other Laura Biden citizen in Rio Vegas. What's the idea of letting sidewinders like Monty Steele near Skunk's run lose? Why? I don't know what you mean. Oh, yes, you do. The town's running over with gunslingers. The scum of the country rides in and out of here like they own the place. Do they? No. No, you're mistaken. Get lying, Bill Donaghan. I've known you for 20 years, and I've never seen you as nervous as you are right this minute. Maybe I can explain the situation. Maybe. You see, Sheriff Donaghan ain't feeling so well. He's going to take a long rest. And he's appointed me as Chief Deputy. You! No, Joshua. That's a lie. Shut up. You're right. The town is full of scum. They've taken it over with the money. Joshua, this outlaw or whoever he is, shot... Where did him, you mean? Shot Bill down in cold blood. And by Juniper Hansen. In the claws of both of you. Bix, Bix, come here. Yeah, Monty? The payoff came sooner than I figured. Couple of zombies to march him down to jail. Sure. All right, gents. Get moving. You dirty murderin' polecats. Talk, mister. Move. And Bix. Tell her frying to get all the boys together. Close the gates of this burg and post guards on the wall. Yeah. All right, let's go, you two. Put your hands down now. No need to let me rest for the others and know what's going on. Remember, I'm right behind you. Any funny moves now send both of you hoppin' for a harp. Savvy? Yeah, your... Meaning is very clear. Oscar, I'm packing a gun in my shoulder, Hoster. There was only some way... There is. We'll pass my team in the wagon in a minute. Those mutants can run if they have to. You make the plane. I'll draw down on this buzzard behind us. Stop, Gavin. Neither of you is gonna do anything. No! What the... Eat some lead, you dirty cunt. No! Climb up, Joshua. Up on the front seat. Yeah. And get your jug head started. Get up! Burn the wind. You must be... Whip him up, Mary. Whip him up! This deal will have 50 of his hyenas on our trail. Which way? What's the shortest way? He's skating. Hurry! Run, you Missouri muttonheads! Run! The lone ranger and tanto guided their horses carefully along a narrow trail not far from Rio Vegas. Suddenly the masked man called a halt. Oh, Hoster. Oh, fellow. What matter, Kimosabi? Why we stop here? Is a cloud of dust up ahead, tanto? Can you make it out? Plenty far away. Me not... Oh, me see now. Too cloud of dust. Yes, I believe you're right. Looks like a team and wagon in front. Saddle horses behind it. Ah, then come plenty fast. We get off trail. Yes, we'll let them pass. But I'm curious to... A two-feller on wagon. Why don't them have guns? Watch out, Toto. He thinks we're going to stop him and he'll shoot his way through. Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Bless me if it isn't more our flaws. One of them wearing a mask. Here. But our team's winded and we've got to keep it going. Go ahead. We won't stop you. Get that blame right you all. See this gun? What about it? Climb off your saddle horses. Here's where you train them for a team of mules. The curtain falls on the first act of our lone ranger story. Before the next exciting scenes, please permit us to pause for just a few moments. We're going to continue our story. Joshua leveled his gun at the masked man and the Indian and repeated his command. Hey, shit, slide off them horses. We need them. So do we. Arguing with these outlaws, Joshua isn't getting us to United States Marshal. Steel's gang is right behind us. We'll be caught in the middle. I ain't gonna argue with them. Get off them. You're not hurt. Just knock down your gun. I guess it's no use. We made a good try. Who are those men coming up? You ought to know. Outlaws are all the same breed. I hear you say you're hunting for United States Marshal. Sure. And we'd have made it if it hadn't been for merryweathers, crow bait, mules. Thank you, Masabi. Tunnels on saddle horses come plenty fast. Yes, I think. Quick. Drive your wagon off the trail to hide those trees. What do you mean? Don't ask questions. Hurry. Well, I... Get up there. Ride down the trail, Tunnel. Lose this gang and double back. Get him on the scout. One, two, three. Mr. Bean is a good place to stop. One, two, three. Pull there. Good. Is that a big fella? We can wait here till Tunnel gets back. Tunnel? Who's that? My Indian friend who led those men away from your wagon. Well, climb down from that seat. We'll rest a while. Strangers! You mind telling me who you are? Yeah. You look like an owl hoot, but you don't act like one. I'm not an outlaw. But I would like to know why you were so anxious to find the United States Marshal. You tell him about Monty Steele and what's going on in Rio Vegas. Monty Steele? I thought he was in jail. He was. I didn't mean he is, but he don't mean anything. That's so. Tell me about it. I still can't figure you out, stranger. Seems like... Oh, well, Maryweather and I couldn't be any worse off. Maryweather? That's Oscar here. I'm Joshua Pratt on the Mercantile Storm, Rio Vegas. This whole thing came to a head about... If you saw Monty Steele murder the sheriff. Sure. Did you lose him, Tunnel? He takes high trail. Double back. Good. This is amazing, Joshua. These two men here, they must be some kind of outlaws, but they're trying to help us. That's right. Uh, if both of you saw Monty Steele murder a man, it's enough evidence to hang him in any court. Sure. But since he's taken over the local law, only a U.S. Marshal could arrest him. It'll take more than one Marshal to corral that gang in Rio Vegas. It's a job for the Army. Shay, that's an idea. Maybe we could get word to the soldiers at Fort Craddick. Enough troopers could do it. I think you'll find that the United States Army won't interfere with county or state law. Unless it's something that affects them directly. Oh, yes, I guess you're right. Seems a shame with the fort only half a mile down the river. You said you heard Monty Steele order the town gates closed and guards posted. Yeah, and the walls around Rio Vegas are 20 feet high. That makes it even more complicated. Dad blasted Murray Weather. If you would only been trying to sell me an iron cannon instead of a wooden horse, it could be some help to us now. What's that about a wooden horse? It's bolted to the floor of my wagon. You see, I wanted Joshua to put it in front of his store. Yeah, but I was too smart for you. I ain't forgetting those 60 barrels of coal oil you fast-talked me into buying. They've been sitting in my store room ever since. All the lamps in Texas wouldn't use that much coal oil. Do you mind if I take a look at the wooden horse? Oh, not at all. Come on, I'll show you. Very good imitation. I wonder. Joshua wouldn't believe me when I told him. Yeah, that's it. At least it's worth a trial. What are you talking about? Joshua, isn't the back end of your store close to the river? Right above it. Why? And the river flows right through the Fort Craddock Stockade, doesn't it? Yeah, I guess it does. Good. And Tonto and I'll take a chance on getting inside Rio Vegas. With all of Monty's gun hawks patrolling the walls? Oh, you wouldn't have a prayer, stranger? Maybe we will. It'll help me tear down the canvas sides on this wagon and perform a major operation on the horse. Have you gone local? That's exactly what the Trojans thought about the Greeks. What? Never mind. Let's get to work. Is it tailed? Ah, they gave us the slip money. What? You mean two more coupes and a team in the wagon got away from a half a dozen gun slicks? I don't know how they did it. We lost them about three miles east of here. Oh, Voldemort. That means they'll head for the nearest federal law. We'll have to move out of here tonight. Get across the border. Yeah. Tell the boys to clean out the town. Load everything in the wagons. Keep the wall gates locked. Don't let anybody in or out, savvy. Sure. Hey, what about Bix? How's he feeling? Bix is all right. The old Coutts bullet just creased his scalp. He's out driving one of the gates. I'm glad it wasn't serious. Hey, buddy. Oh, hello, Bix. Hi. Now what's wrong? Nothing wrong. Just wanted to tell you about a local engine medicine man outside the east gate. Driving a flat-bottom wagon with a big wooden horse bolted to us. Medicine man, wooden horse. What do I care about red-skinned malarkey like that? He wants to get in. Says a wooden horse is heat-baked medicine for them Kiowa engines camped inside the gate. I don't care what he says. Don't let anybody in. Hey, wait a minute, buddy. Those engines could cause us a lot of trouble before we leave if they went on a rampage. Better let them have that big medicine. Yeah, buddy. Red-skins are superstitious. Besides that, the wooden horse has got me curious. All right. Let him in. But I don't want anybody else slipping through those gates. Don't worry. I'll keep my eyes to you. You go with him, Huff. Get some wagons lined up like I told you. Sure. Red-engine, you can bring in your wooden horse medicine. Get him up there. Get him up. Pull up right over there. Pull there. Pull. Where's the gate, boys? It was almost midnight in the walled city of Rio Vegas. And Monty Steele's outlaw gang was busy loading wagons with stolen loot. When Tonto moved quietly through the shadows toward a huge wooden horse. Kimusabi. Kimusabi. Hello. Hello. Hello, Tonto. Oh. Keep going out now. Move it, boy. At the beginning, he got pretty cramped in there. Where's Monty Steele and the gang? They're mother and the street by jail. Good. And we can get into Joshua's store without any trouble. Come on. Make a match, Tonto. Keep it covered. Ah. We certainly cleaned out Joshua's store. The thing left on the shelves. Ah. What do we do now? Find the storeroom. Come on. Here it is. A window over there. From the river, Tonto. River. Plenty close. You hear it? Good. Here are those 60 barrels of cool oil Joshua was talking about. Me not savvy. Find a hammer or a hatchet. Help me carry this barrel to the window. Ah. Me help you. Ah. Ah. Hammer on floor. Ah. Give it to me. Ah. Whirling river. That's right. We're going to pour all 60 barrels of it into the river. They've got to hurry. There isn't much time. Yes. I know it. Give me that torch you made out of those rags. Ah. Thanks. Light a match now, Tonto. Ah. Good. Let's hope it stays lit until it lands on the river. Ah. Give us hobby. River burn. The cool oil on top of the water. Ah. But how does help catch crooks? The quickest way to get a message to Fort Craddock. A message that will bring soldiers up here without asking questions. We wait here. No, Tonto. They're going to open the gate and let the troopers in. Meet Joshua and Mr. Maryweather outside the wall. All right. Come on. Fire. The whole blame rivers on fire. What the bag here, local? Come on outside and see. Here I'll be. Somebody must have poured oil on it. The worst part of it, Monty. It's burning from here clear down to Fort Craddock. What do those troopers do when they see it? I hear the bugle. That's what they'll do right up here. We can't get away through the south gate on kind of fire. Well, what can we do? Tell every man to get a rifle. Climb the walls. We'll hold them all. Fire. The troopers are all those here, Tonto. They'll have to open the gates. Now there are two guards there. You take the one on this side and I'll take the other. Let's go. All right, you. How about a Tonto? Let me get them. Good. Now grab that chain and we can swing open the gates. Yes, sir, Captain. All of these men are guilty of treason as well as outlawry. Put them in handcuffs and march them back to the fort. Yes, sir. Hey, Juniper, that's what I call real action. The troopers will right in and mop them up. That's right. Didn't last very long either. Where's the masked man? He and the Indian must have been the ones who opened the gates. Yeah. Oh, I sure wish we could find them somewhere in this crowd. Well, I guess there ain't much chance. I'll never know who they are. Wait a minute, Joshua. Isn't that Monty Steele standing handcuffed over there in the war? Sure. That's the skunk. I've got something to say to him. Come on. Don't blame me, Monty. I didn't... Shut up. Monty. Well, what do you want? Tell him, Maryweather. He'll never know it unless you tell him. Tell me what? Just a suggestion, Monty. When you get time, I'd suggest you read a story. A certain story I think you'll enjoy. Yeah? Remember the name. It's called The Siege of Troy. The name you have just heard is a copyrighted feature of the Lone Ranger Incorporated.