 And welcome to a special set of shows on love and dating in Hawaii in the lead up to Valentine's Day. I am your host, Raya Salter. Now, around this time each year, most folks are thinking about how to spend Valentine's Day with a special someone. If you are single, this can mean making plans with a new beau or deciding on a night out with your girl or guy friends. Inevitably, thoughts are going to turn to romance and dating. How can we turn that single status on Facebook into I'm in relationship, married, or even, you know what, we'll take it's complicated. Here to help us figure this out is Ami Allen, Vice President of Matchmaking Hawaii, Hawaii's longest running dating service. Welcome, Ami. Thank you so much. So thank you so much, Ami. We are so glad to have some professional help to help us figure out what folks can do who are looking for love here in Hawaii. So first, maybe you could tell us about yourself and a bit about your background. OK. I was born in Japan, but grew up in Montreal, Canada. Oh, OK. And I went to high school and college back in Japan, but I've been in Hawaii for about 20 years. OK. And I've been with Matchmaking Hawaii for about 10. Fantastic. So you actually have a wealth of knowledge. Absolutely. Excited to talk to you about your profession and your experience. But first, why don't you go ahead and tell us a bit about Matchmaking Hawaii and the work that you do? OK. It's a company we are in our 23rd year. So it is the longest running and largest matchmaking company in Hawaii. And we assist people who are looking for a long-term relationship. The founder and owner of the company, Raquel Keyford, of course she's the only one with the 23 years of experience, but she comes to the office every day. And she's very much hands-on. And that's kind of what we do. We find love for people. That is fantastic. It must feel, does it feel good? It must feel good to have that sort of your mission and what you do professionally. So what types of folks use your service? Singles. People in their late 20s, up to their 60s. Of course, the majority tends to be in their 30s and 40s, but really of all ages and just single people who are looking for a long-term relationship. Excellent. So to help us understand why someone may choose to use a dating service. I think, first of all, they're not meeting new people. And maybe once in a while or one to two, maybe potentials in one year is not really a good number to start with. So they're just not meeting new people. Another reason is because they've tried other avenues and they've been unsuccessful. So they do come to us. Where do folks hear about dating services? Some people, they just Google us or they hear from a friend. The majority of our clients come to us through referrals, actually. Oh, that's interesting. That makes sense as well. Yes. So what could someone expect when they come to match making Hawaii? They come to sit down and open up their personal lives for your help. We had a slogan that we were using in our advertising for a few years ago. It was real person, real date. So pretty much that sums it up. That's what people can expect. To meet real people who match their preferences and go on real dates with the kind of people that they wanted to always meet. That actually sounds like something I would love to experience as well. So what's a typical day for you at the office and the sort of profession of love and match making? The first thing in the morning is always the feedback calls. When people go on a date through our service, the following day or if it's a weekend, then the Monday morning is when they give us a call and they let us know how the date went, what did they do, where did they go, what are the things they liked about the person, what are some of the things that they had some concerns with or any questions for us. So we go through that. After that's done, it's definitely the analysis of the information that we've received. That's interesting. Tell us about how do you guys look at the information and judge whether or not someone's been successful? Well, I think it's not just a clear, successful or unsuccessful and I think everyone is really trying. But because men and women are so fundamentally different, sometimes the communication is like this. And when this happens, it really has nothing to do with whether she has so many qualities that he's looking for or whether he's a really sincere, amazing guy, it's just the communication. And so we kind of... So I guess both of the folks who are going on the couple of parts of the couple are your clients. You actually see both sides. Absolutely. Oh, that's so interesting. And we're able to see whether we can assist in any way for it to go to a second date to clarify anything or you're overthinking it, what are you talking about? Or whether it's just giving somebody a little bit more of a nudge or whether it's something else. That is so interesting. It's sort of, I feel like so often, the singles come back from a date and they're sort of, their mind is full of those questions. Like, did she like me? Did he like me? Does, do we wanna see each other again? Why did he ask me out again? Right. And half of it may be that doubt from thinking, half of it is your thinking, how did I feel about this person? And then the other half you're thinking, what is this person thinking of me? Sure. And often people sort of can be tongue-tied about how to bridge that gap. So that's fascinating. And gosh, it could seem like really helpful to have somebody who can kind of could say, excuse me, sir, I actually don't think she wants to see you again or you're wrong, this person really, really liked you. They just felt nervous. Right. Do you, do you feel like that happens? I mean, that must happen. It does happen a lot. And it usually comes from misunderstanding. Misunderstanding an action or something he or she said or just kind of overthinking things or being overly judgmental. Yeah, I think that must be right. And we kind of take that out. That makes all the sense in the world. So please continue. After you, then you start your analysis, I see you at your desk, you're Jane and Bob and you're sort of trying to figure out what's going on. So then what's, what else? It's just accumulating data on that person and who are we going to introduce next to this person and what advice can we give to this person to make them a better data or to kind of really realize what are the really important things that they should be looking for whatever the situation is. And then we, of course, I have meetings with my boss and then the afternoon, usually I have a couple of free consultations with prospective clients that's part of my job. And then also I am in charge of some of the operational aspects of the business too. All right. So a day in the life of a matchmaker in Hawaii. So 10 years experience, I've got to ask and you're sort of, in your view, what's the dating scene like in Hawaii? To be honest with you, I think a lot of people tend to be very conservative with sharing their information. And of course, as a woman, I understand you, as a woman, you have to be careful of who you share your information with. But when that becomes too much and there's too many walls up, it makes it very difficult for a really nice sincere guy who has the right intentions to get to know somebody. So I think that aspect is definitely there in Hawaii. And I think a lot of people are so focused on, when you meet somebody new, who do you know? Who do we know that we have in common? You know, what school did you go to? And those kind of similarities and trying to find those kind of things in common is not always conducive to really finding whether you have chemistry with that person. All right. And part of, I think maybe in the same vein, I know coming from New York City, dating can be really tough and it has, it's all whole TV shows about what it's like being a single person. How about here in Hawaii? Are there any sort of special challenges or anything in particular that makes it different dating out here? I think because we are in a much more smaller area, geographically, the six degrees of separation is probably more like two. And because people are very keen to see if whether we have somebody in common, but when they do, because they mostly do, you know, you talk to somebody long enough, you're gonna have a couple of people in common and that's just the way things are here. But because like, oh my gosh, you know, you went to, you know, Kaiser, oh, my brother went to Kaiser and then, oh, you know Steve, oh my gosh. And then people start thinking, okay, well, that's a little too close. I can't date her and break up with her. And then what's gonna happen to my relationship with Steve? And you know, there's a lot of repercussions because there's that closeness and because you have, you know, a lot of, you know, you have people in common. Also, you know, because it is a small area where people meet new people is not always, you know, it's very difficult to meet new people but you meet people through work or at work. You probably, most people don't really wanna go there and make that into a romantic relationship because what if, you know, you have a bad breakup, you can't really change jobs and you know, it's just too small of a place where you know, you don't really wanna keep changing jobs after every breakup. You know, that would not be, so that's interesting. I'd like to ask a few more questions about that. So I guess what's somebody to do? Like, so let's take that first instance where, you know, it's the reality is people, you know, know each other and you know, in fact, say on Facebook, I feel like, you know, every new Facebook friend I make, you know, is the second connection to literally anyone else I've ever met. So I mean, it's, what is one to do? Is it something that, you know, how does one sort of get beyond that? Is it mental? Is it become, is it a fear that's justified? Is it, or is it, you know, how does one's proceed? I think, you know, when people are looking for love, there's a couple of things that's very important. First of all, you have to be open-minded. You know, when you meet somebody new, use your instinct whether you should be sharing information with that person or not. Because if you really think about it and use your instinct, you know whether it's okay or not. And, you know, that gut feeling that most people ignore sometimes, no, go with the gut feeling and be open about it and stay positive. And I think those are really important things when, you know, you want things to work out. So the, you know, it is, it's a reality. You know, you're kind of stepping out into a, you know, maybe a slightly scary space and that folks do know each other. But you just, what I'm hearing you say is you have to stay positive. You have to be willing to take some chances. But, you know, trust your instinct and be careful. Absolutely. And, you know, be willing to engage in the process. And I think a lot of people, another thing is, you know, focus on that person's, you know, good things about them. And really try to find, when you meet somebody new, find good things about them. And focus on that instead of, you know, too many people I think say, okay, well, he's too short, he's too this, or she's too this, she's too that. And just go with the negatives. And it's just not a good way to get to know somebody. All right, so let me then go ahead and ask. What are, would you say the top three challenges that someone may have in dating in Hawaii? I think just the sheer aspect of not meeting new people, secondly, you know, even the ones that they do meet are not looking for the same kind of relationship that they are. For example, if somebody is a relationship type of person and they're looking for a long-term relationship, they have to be meeting people that want that relationship to. Otherwise, there's no chance of love. There's no chance of love. There's not going to be a chance of love. All right, and so we are about to take a break. Okay. So we're about to take a break. And when we come back, we'll have more with Ami from Matchmaking Hawaii on Think Tech. Aloha, my name is Richard Emory, host of Kondo Insider. More than a third of Hawaii's population live in some form of association. And our show is all about educating board members and owners about their responsibilities and obligations and providing solutions for a great association. You can watch me live on Thursdays, 3 p.m. to 4 p.m. each week. Aloha. Oh, my name is Crystal. Let me tell you, my talk show, I'm all about health. It's healthy to talk about sex. It's healthy to talk about things that people don't talk about. It's healthy to discuss things that you think are unhealthy because you need to talk about it. So I welcome you to watch Quok Talk and engage in some provocative discussions on things that do relate to healthy issues and have a well-balanced attitude in life. Join me. Back to a special edition of Power Up Hawaii, where we're talking about love, dating, and relationships in the lead up to Valentine's Day. And I am here with Ami from Matchmaking Hawaii. Did I say that correctly? Yes. And we've been having a fascinating discussion. She has 10 years experience of bringing couples together and has been sharing some insights, and it's been really great. So let's go ahead and jump back into it. What are some of the, say, the top three mistakes that people make when they're looking for love? I think when you're looking for love, it's probably better that you're not under the influence of alcohol. You want to have a clear mind to really see whether that chemistry is there. And I think that's one mistake that a lot of people do, just looking in the wrong place. Places where alcohol is involved is not conducive to that. Actually, that's very interesting, because sometimes I think the first thing people want to do is grab a drink. Hey, let's pahana. Can we get a drink? And it helps take some of maybe the nervousness and the anxiety away. What are some things, if someone is going to avoid alcohol, what are some things they can do? Actually, they could go to a bar and just order soda. Sure. So you could still, or maybe choose a non-bar type of environment. And I think, of course, bars have a nice setting. It's very romantic. There's no reason to have more than one drink. You can have your drink and enjoy the alcohol. But one over the whole evening is not that bad. And like you said, you can order something else. You can go there and have poops and just enjoy that conversation. It's just being under the influence is just not conducive to having that clarity. That makes all the sense in the world, because it's like you kind of, again, it's about a process. You'll get to that place maybe with someone, where you're sort of, if that's something that you're interested in is knocking back drinks and relaxing and be it at the club or at home. But you kind of have to let yourself get to that place. Yes. And I always tell my clients, what if this is your first date with the person you're going to be married to with the rest of your life? What if this is the first date with your wife, this memorable, amazing moment? You don't really want to be intoxicated. You don't want to be too drunk and maybe behaving in ways that might be embarrassing. I think that's excellent advice. What are some other mistakes that people tend to make? Putting all your eggs in one basket. A lot of people date one person at a time. Comparing is not always a bad thing. If you meet different people, you kind of get to know things about yourself in the process and realize what kind of a person you're comfortable with and what kind of traits in a person you respect. So I think it's OK for people to date around and see what's out there. So people get excited or why might somebody put their eggs in one basket? It's they get excited about one person or it's just exhausting. And they feel that that's the right thing to do. But as long as you're open and honest, that's why it's called dating. It's very different from being in an exclusive relationship. And I think for a lot of singles, it's the time to really see what kind of person you want to end up with and what kind of partner you want to be. So what's the most important thing that someone can do when they're looking for love? Like I said, be open-minded, positive. And also don't have so many non-negotiables, non-negotiable criteria. Pick three and everything else, just relax and just let it go. And I think when people are having trouble finding love, it's because they have too many non-negotiables and too many criteria. What are some of the sort of types of things that might be a non-negotiable? A non-negotiable? Somebody may say, oh, it must be the amount of money someone makes, so they need to look a certain way or those type of things that people tend to latch on to. Sure, I think it's different for men and women. Men, it's definitely age, the woman's age, as well as her physical beauty. Definitely physical appearance is a big part of that. For women, it's age as well as income. Isn't that interesting? It comes back to the same things again and again. Well, let's go ahead and talk a little bit about Valentine's Day. I think that Valentine's Day, actually for singles or for couples, it could be very stressful. You're trying to figure out, you don't wanna be alone. What would be your advice for singles on Valentine's Day? To be honest, it's just another holiday. Don't stress out and don't have this pressure, don't compare yourself to other people. It's not a good look. She's like, it's not a good look. Stressing out is never a good look. No, and comparing and being jealous, it's not very attractive. So if you're single, go out, have fun with your girlfriends or with your friends. And just have a good time. It's just another day. And who knows, it's just, there's nothing wrong with you. You just haven't met the one. And it could definitely happen tomorrow, it could happen today. It could happen today or it could happen tomorrow. That, I think, is excellent advice for single folks. What about, I feel like often, and not always, but a woman, particularly if you're in a new sort of relationship or you've just sort of started dating with someone. It can be a nerve-wracking experience, sort of figuring out how to handle the Valentine's Day holiday. There's a lot of expectations. What's a gal to do? Should a woman sort of step back and wait for the man to take initiative or reach out or what do you think? I think it depends on the guy that you're with or that you want to be with. First of all, I think having expectations is not a good starting point. You should have no expectations and be appreciative that this person that you really like wants to spend it with you and wants to do something special. And making time, I think, is special enough. And everything else, no expectations. So what, and this I guess could go for, this could go for a male or a female, but what about in those days or moments before Valentine's Day when you sort of aren't sure if you should even be asking? Like, I've just started to know this person, what do I do? I'd like to go ahead and have dinner with them. Okay, it's Valentine's Day, so. And actually, I think these must be sort of decision-making processes that happen a lot and sort of along the dating spectrum of, oh, when should I be calling? When should I not be calling? So say I've been on sort of one date with a nice gentleman in Valentine's Day is coming up next week. What do you think I should do? I think if he was interested in you, he'd be calling you. All right. And asking, what are you doing on the 14th? It goes, it does go back to that sort of, he's just not that into you thing. Sure, in some aspects. Also, maybe if you only met him once, obviously you don't know what he's like, but if he's the kind of person that likes to take control and likes to take initiative, then absolutely let him because that's just gonna make the whole Valentine's Day much happier and much more meaningful. And if he's the type of person that may not be taking initiative, there's nothing wrong with saying, why don't we do this? Wouldn't it be fun if we could go have a casual dinner? All right, and maybe with the, I think the worry would be probably for either side that you're trying to make something serious, trying to make it sort of a high stakes type of date on Valentine's Day. Right, but I think you're just trying to get to know each other and it's, if you think of it, it's just another day. It's just another day. And no expectations, then that wonderful dinner, the second date doesn't really have to be on the 14th. It can, I think when it happens, it happens. When you want it to be. I'm also hearing maybe it makes sense not to worry too much about it or put too much pressure on yourself. Yeah, I think it just works out the way it's supposed to when you kind of take three steps back and think of it in a little bit more of a bigger picture. Well, what about for a married couple, maybe, or a couple that's been together for a while? What types of things could they do to spice up Valentine's Day? I think because they have the history, the history becomes the spice. You should make the history the spice. Maybe go into it with a theme that you both are gonna write down all the things that you thought of about the other person on the first date. And share and turn off your phones and have a wonderful date sharing about something. Or you're both gonna write three things that they've done for you that you really appreciate and you were so happy. I'd say that is an excellent idea, making the history. Like using the time together, be it at dinner or whatever one decides to do, to intentionally think about the good things and the things that have ensured all that makes that relationship special and unique. That's excellent advice. I don't think I've ever heard that before. Really? Do you have some other thoughts for folks looking to make the holiday special? Well, I think there's two ways. Spending money and not spending money. If you're gonna spend money, then there's the obvious, right? Sunset from a helicopter or a nice private chef coming to your home. She said the obvious. That sounds very exciting. Just a nice dinner somewhere. And it's nice to be able to do those things, but I don't think it's always necessary. And there's so many romantic ideas that people can do on Valentine's Day without spending too much money. We live in Hawaii. Any place is gonna be a romantic location if two people truly care about each other and you wanna make the other person happy and you go into it together. Like you wake up super early, go watch the sunrise because sunset is the usual thing, but go watch the sunrise together. Yeah, take that time to do something. Go to the location where you first fell in love and have a picnic there. Just simple things. It's funny, they sound simple, but these are, I don't think things that would necessarily come to mind. And it's also, I think, probably nice if one can think of that and make it, well actually, I was gonna say make it into a surprise, but I think they're probably ups and downsize to try and make something a surprise. What I'm really hearing and liking is that it's that communication, it's that willingness to sort of be intentional, like let's talk about it, let's not fret about what we're gonna do on Valentine's. Like hey, I suggest we this, as opposed to trying to make it into some sort of fairy tale and having too many expectations. I think it has to be that way because the whole purpose for the people that I assist, they're looking for love. And the way to get that is by being open and honest with yourself as well as with the other person, but also making yourself a little vulnerable. I think that's really important to see whether something can happen. Well, wow, our time has flown by. How can someone get in touch with you guys if they're interested in your services? I think the easiest way would be to call us. Our telephone number is 808-923-4333. And I think that's the easiest way. And please ask for me. Well, thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you so much for me. And thank you for joining us on this special edition of Power Up Hawaii, focusing on love and dating in advance of Valentine's Day.