 Hey guys, welcome back to my channel if you're new here. Hi, hello, my name is Lydia and I make mental health videos here on YouTube pretty much every day. Um, what's this on my face? I got attacked when I was in hospital. Um, if you don't know, I've been in hospital for the last two weeks because it's me. It happened. I'm back, I'm back, I'm back and I'm back. I don't remember my camera charger is there so I'm a bit concerned that my camera's gonna die on me. But I thought I'd- by magic when Lydia says, my camera's gonna die. It dies. I just said it all. Don't let me drive. Don't let me drive. The Django. Cool. Okay. Hey guys, welcome back. I wasn't filming on my camera but it died and I don't really know what to do about that. I can't find the charger. So, I've just said I'm just gonna film this on my phone and I am sorry if the call is slightly less than it normally is. Hi, I'm sorry. We are here. Sorting out my stuff today. Um, I came across a new book and I didn't- I don't remember owning it. I don't even like writing anything in here. And that's this notebook. Um, what's in here is basically my journal from last year, which if you guys don't know, last year was one of my- well it was like my worst year. So, the first page is. My story and the way it has to end. I'm 20. It's pretty young. I can't deny that but that doesn't mean who I feel isn't real. Now I enjoy constantly questioning my own existence. I've tried so many ways to end my life but this time everything has planned out. And it- all it took was making a few pitches of medication online and it's unsafe, unpredictable and that's why I know it will work. They can't treat what they don't know. I know everything about what I'm doing. Every hospital policy, capacity assessment, mental health, I don't know at all. You really can learn everything online and in books. For months and years I've been trying to escape, right? And whilst I'm making it to see it as selfish, I see it as my only remaining goal. I've tried so hard to get my life back on track and it just never lasts long. Don't know my story. And then on the next page I'm not gonna put some screen in but I have an entire page where I work out once a piece of medication based on what people would give it. If you know on death row, given a lethal injection, I worked out and learnt the equivalence as to what that would be to purchase online. The only reason that suicide attempt didn't work was because people intervened, people stopped me. And some of you guys have been here since then, some of you guys haven't. The day Serenity goes home Monday the 29th of January after I put an arrow in it but failed because police intervened. You need to find out what happened. The depressed episodes are getting worse and more. And then I have, when I'm down I can't think straight and I have to write down every little thought. So I can piece it together and I don't know. That was just really raw and real and I felt like I had to share it with you guys because of the values of my life, you know. And like I said, I'm tearing the pages out because I don't know. And I've got any notebooks then. There we go. I know it's really short, I know it's not much. I know it doesn't mean I'll opt to anyone but me, but reading that I've come so far in my life. I'm not going to say I'm recovered at all but anything is from anything. Growing up a lot, I've matured a lot. I've had a lot go on since then. You know, I still struggle with suicide I thought. When I was younger I found things extremely hard. Like my depression was probably at its worst, my anxiety was... I didn't really know what was going on because I wasn't diagnosed with dissociative disorders. I didn't even know about them when I wrote it. I was dealing with flashbacks and no one really knew how to help. The reason I'm showing this is because so much can happen in a year. Like yes, I have only just got out of hospital and yeah, I was suicidal, you know. Then thoughts don't just come out of nowhere, they don't go away, they don't just appear, they don't... But that being said, my life has got so much better. Like I'm in a stronger position now. Like I feel safer within myself than it did back then. We're not alone. No matter what anyone says, no matter what anyone tries to tell you. You're not alone in this. No matter how many times you feel like you should just give up, you shouldn't. You was given life for a reason. I can remember that attempt especially. It was dramatic. I've talked about this attempt before on my channel and I refer to it as the one where I don't really know what happened. I know I talked about it. I know I started to walk outside. I remember being in a police van. I remember booking in an A&E and then everything goes black for a day. And then I wake up and I'm in visa still. And to this day I've never had anyone tell me what actually happened. I don't know what happened in that attempt. I can't remember any of it. Maybe I was unconscious for a little bit. Maybe my brain is dissociated from it. Maybe it's just a locked-off memory. It's terrifying that my brain is capable of that. It's terrifying what a brain can do. We can just blank out anything and not even know about it. And it's scary, you know? I'm not trying to make light of my illness. I don't try and show things for what they are. What I do is I take my life and I let you guys lose them. I let you see some of my spendable moments. I share things that all the people probably think why the fuck do she even talk about this? And I do it because I know what it's like to feel alone. I do it and if I can make one person feel less alone then job done, you know? Making these videos aren't easy. It isn't fun and I don't get much out of it. What I do get out of it is a conversation with you guys and you know some of the messages you send me like heart-breaking, heart-warming. I don't think I could ever comprehend when you get told, oh, this made me smile, you made my day and getting told that it's pretty incredible because all I do is talk to a camera and it's probably my phone which is less strange actually because you're supposed to talk at a phone. I'm going to end this video here. I don't want you to take from this. I really don't. But I just found it and I thought, yeah, it's kind of like those things on my channel really. So yeah, peace guys. Also ignore that on my eggs. Ignore it.