 W-E-A-F, New York, 8.30 p.m. B-U-L-O-V-A, Boulevard Watchtime. A Vavalon cigarette, please. Yes, sir. Just a moment, sir. Don't forget your change. You'd never guess. But Avalon cost you less. So why not always travel on? Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Good evening. This is Del King saying, welcome to Avalon Time with Kirk Massey, Edna Stillwell, Jeanette, the Avalon chorus, Bob Strong in his orchestra, and radio's red-headed ragamuffin, Richard Redscouton. Perfect combination of highest quality, plus outstanding money-saving economy. Avalons cost three to five cents less per pack than other popular price brands. And be assured, three to five cents saved on every pack of cigarettes you smoke means something. It mounts up to many, many dollars in a surprisingly short time. And remember this. It's extra dollars that you would never have otherwise. Now a word of warning. Don't let Avalon's low cost fool you. Judging by the quality, you'd never guess they cost you less. Only the very choices, Turkish and domestic tobaccos, go into union-made Avalons, blended with rare skill to give you cigarette smoking enjoyment that is unsurpassed for smoothness, mildness, and mellow flavor. Truly, ladies and gentlemen, Avalons are exceptional cigarettes. It will pay you well to give them a trial tonight. Line-hunter and his headline hookah. Here he is, that cocky correspondent who concocts curious clips from the news quotes that candid camera-eyed commentator creating porn from cross-current events, Redscouton. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and now for the news. We start off this evening with news fashions for the men. Men this fall are going to wear gay colors. The business men are going to wear red to match the books. I bought a new suit the other day. I wanted one of those kind with stripes, you know, the kind all the big bankers are wearing. One of those exclusive clothing stores, you know, the kind when a customer walks in, the door automatically locks. Well anyhow, they didn't have any suits with stripes then, so they just sold me a blue surge and gave me a piece of chalk. The Hollywood, California, Hedy Lamar drops her handkerchief on Hollywood Boulevard. The streets are now closed for repair. Here's some more news about Hollywood. An actor and an actress are reported to have been happily married for a week and a half. Someday they're going to carry that publicity stuff too far. Political news, Philadelphia. A proposed presidential candidate for 1940 refuses to be considered for the election. He says, who wants the job? The president of the day is just a 3 cent stamp of tomorrow. Oh, politics is great stuff, though. A farmer down in Kansas has gotten so many loans from the government that he can only milk his cows now with a political pull. Ten explorers leave for the South Poles to either get the same effect by staying in going to a movie theater. Boy, those movie theaters really have a cooling system. It's so cold in the theater next door to my house. Yesterday someone opened the side door and 14 sparrows left for Florida. I like those theaters. I go to a theater every day up the house where I live. In fact, I have to. That's where we keep the butter. A man 108 years old marries a woman 65. He'll probably have to bring the ire of falls to see them. Chicago, Illinois. 300,000 people listen to Lawrence Tibbet sing in the rain. I was down there the other night. While he was singing from the barber of Seville, a bolt of lightning came along and gave me a close shave. Well, I guess that takes care of the news for tonight, so I think I'll stumble out and let lovely Jeanette trip in with all you crazy moves. Sing it pretty, Jeanette, but pretty. As the scene opens, we find a young couple at a college dance. Edna Stillwell plays the part of a beautiful co-ed. Red Skelton plays the part of something in a boy's size. Listen. Gee, I could dance with you like this forever. Don't you want to improve? Tell me, Richard, why do you always stand in one place when you dance? Why don't you move around? I want to save money. You want to save money? Yeah, I rented this tuxedo for the mile. Well, you look very well in it. I certainly like those trousers. You do? Yeah. The first pair of pants I've seen was the knees and the back. Oh, I'm sorry, Gee. Gee, you ought to be able to dance better than that. I heard the last week you won the jitterbug contest. Yeah. I didn't know you were a jitterbug. He's a Zionist, but somebody mistook my back pocket for an ashtray. Well, the music stopped playing. Shall we stop dancing? Yeah, step down. Hey, let's go out on the porch. Here comes the campus Romeo. He thinks all the girls are nuts about him. I think he's wonderful. Yeah, what's he got that I can't get on the installment plan? Wait, I'm on a meeting. Oh, all right. Edna, this is Roger Jones. Hello, darling. Hello, sweetheart. Oh, you two know each other? No, but why waste time? Gee, you're a cute little bitch. Ah, come on and break it up, Roger. This ain't dish night. Hey, I like that dress you have on. Thanks. I got the stress at the bargain sale. And you know it's a funny thing. Another girl wanted it too. We both grabbed it at the same time. Yeah, the half you got looks very well on you. Yes, sir, I really like that color. Thanks. I think the dress brings out my eyes. Yeah, mine too. What are you going to do now, Inky? Ask her for a date? No, I'm going to ask you for that buck you borrowed from me yesterday. Oh, well, gee, I should. Didn't I pay that back yet? Well, I'll take care of it now. You don't have a checkbook, do you? Sure, right here. Yeah. Well, do you have a fountain pen? No, but you'll find the ink over there in the writing room. Yeah, I'm afraid of that. Well, don't go away, Edna. I'll be right back if you only take a minute. Hey, what's a nice kid like you doing with a guy like that? Haven't you heard the rumor that's going around about him? Heard it. I started it. Hey, listen, why don't you ditch that guy and let you and me go to a nightclub, huh? Okay, but I promised Richard I'd let him drive me home. Here he comes. But Ken, we were talking about class. Right. So I said to the... Well, here you go, fella. My purse will check for a dollar. But do me a favor, will you? Don't cash it for a couple of weeks or I'm ruined. Say, Edna, a gang is going to the nightclub. Would you like to go? Well, yes. Uh, Roger, I'll let Richard drive me over in his car to the dormitory to get my coat. Yeah. Then I'll duck out the back way and meet you in the alley. Okay, it's a date. Come on, Edna. Okay, where's your car? This way, it's stacked up outside. Oh, there it is. Ain't that pretty? That's a 1912 Saxon. A Saxon? Yeah. Which India blows? What a car. Has it got a radio? No, I can't afford a radio. Well, gee, I want to hear some music. Well, get in. Maybe we can pick up some gypsies. Will you drive me over to the dormitory? I want to get my coat. Yeah, well, hold on. Here we go. Thanks. Sure, all you got to do when you want to stop is press down on the front fender. I think I've got a flat tire. Well, that makes us even. If you only live a block from here, I'll drive down to fix the tire while you're getting your coat. I got to get those brakes fixed. Well, here we are. I'll change the tire. OK. I'll go in and get my coat. I'll be right out. Yeah. Maybe. Gee, where's that a new tube? I guess I'll just have to blow up some bubblegum. She's been in there three hours. What's she doing? Making that coat? Hey, Edna. Edna. I'm going to sneak in no man's land and see what's keeping her. Boy, if anybody catches me and hear my college days are over, oh boy, the door's unlocked. Just a minute, young man. What are you doing in here? Don't you know the stilliness for girls only? Yes, I do. But you see, I just arrived in town, ma'am, and I'd like to see my sister. Your sister? Yes, ma'am, my sister. I just wanted to tell her I was in town. Oh, who is your sister? Why, Edna's still well. I'm her brother, Richard, still well. Well, Edna is your sister. Yes, ma'am. My, I'm sure glad to know you. I'm sorry we haven't met before. Oh, thank you. May I ask who you are? I am Edna's mother. Oh, I'm glad. Oh, King of the Avalon Orchestra and Bob's own arrangement of an apple for the teacher. I said the first time he told me to try Avalon's. That's for me, Joe. And the best cigarette you can get it. Absolutely right, too. Avalons are the best cigarette you can get it. In fact, it's amazing that any cigarette with the superior quality of Avalon can be sold for three to five cents less per pack than other popular price brands. Yes, that's what you get in union-made Avalons. Highest quality cigarettes at a very worthwhile saving. So why not take advantage of it? And let me tell you, you like Avalon's smoother, milder taste and flavor, made possible by a super blend of the finest Turkish and domestic tobacco obtainable. Truly, you'd never guess Avalon's costs you less. Three to five cents less per pack. Without a doubt, friends, they're the outstanding cigarette buy of today. So the next time, why don't you give Avalon's a trial? With pleasure, we present Kurt Massey and the Avalon chorus. Kurt has chosen one of the most melodious of the trail songs for tonight. It's a lonely trail. Kurt, if you will, please. Standing at the crossroads Don't know where to travel Roads of rock and gravel Don't need me anywhere Just the smoothest highway Somehow it's my way And nobody seems to care If I could own... From your business or profession Then give us a ring and we'll send out Skelton while you send out for some aspirin. We now take you to his office where Edna Stillwell is acting secretary and Skelton is acting screwy, as usual. Hello, this is a send out Skelton service. You take the trip, we'll send the drip. What's that? You want to go out for the evening and you want Skelton to mind the baby? Okay, goodbye. Oh boy, another just... Hey, you mean I gotta look after one of those little pink things tied up in ribbons with no hair? Don't look so scared. After all, you were a baby once yourself. How do you know? I mean, uh... And you were a lazy little baby according to your mother. Uh, what do you mean I was a lazy baby? Well, she said you were even too lazy to shake your rattle. You just let it lay on your tummy and wait until you got hiccups. You did not. Well, a job's a job, so I'm off to bounce a baby. Here, here's the address. And wait a minute, I want to pin these on your lapel. Oh, flowers? No, safety pins. Oh, wait a minute. I don't think I ought to think. Still give him a bump. Well, I guess this is the house. Gee, it's all lit up. Kind of reminds me of my uncle. Well, here goes. Uh, is there a baby in the house? That's my business. Well, I've come to mind your business. Where's Skelton, huh? Well, come right in. Here's my baby boy. Gee, you're a cute little guy, isn't he? Looks just like you. You're looking at him upside down. My wife thinks I'm minding the baby. But this is the night I play poker, see? And I'm in a hurry. The baby's bottle's in the icebox, and if he gets culled, give him paragory. Paragory. And, uh, oh, yeah, uh, uh, the Didy Man will be around, too. And if he cries, you'll figure out what to do. So long. Well, imagine me having to take care of a baby. And all those dribble-puts. Come on, let's get acquainted. Now, now. You don't want to be a crybaby and make cheap people awake all night, do you? No. I wonder who that is. Oh, it's probably the Didy Man. Come in. Why, are you the Didy Man? Well, I ain't a three-card fast-presser. Didy Man. Oh, goodness, yes, Mr. Skelton. I'm a D-man. I'm an instructor, too. I go around teaching fathers all about what they call the Infernal Triangle. Did you teach him? Oh, heavens, yes. After all, I know babies backwards. But what are you doing here, Mr. Skelton? Oh, I'm taking care of this baby. And he's as good as gold. Wasn't he? Well, I gotta go now, Mr. Skelton. I'm working on a new invention, a Didy with a Zipper. Yeah? And if it works, every father will be a quick-change artist. Hey, well, wait a minute. I may need some help around here, Turkey. Oh, now, quiet. La, la, la, la, la. Let's see. I'll take this pin out over here. Take this one out over here. Well, bless my event. He's cute. Here, hand me one of those, Turkey. Or maybe you better put it on. Oh, goodness, Mr. Skelton. I can't help you. I see they don't use the triangle style. Yeah. You mean I gotta do it myself? Yeah. Square, huh? Well, this one up here on the shirt. There, here's one on the outside. Oh, gee, I stuck my finger. How'd that look, Turkey? Oh, that's wonderful, Mr. Skelton. But where are his legs? That's funny. They were there a few minutes ago. Hey, maybe I should have folded it. Well, I ain't gonna try it again. That's a sin. Hey, maybe he's got colic. These old man said if he had got colic, he'd give him a pair of something. Oh, yeah, gorex. He said if he got colic, he'd give him a pair of gorex. A pair of gorex? Well, I never heard of them. Well, when I got colic, Mom used to give me some brandy and a little warm water. She did? Look, I'll go see if I can find some brandy. See if you can amuse him, herky. Maybe there's something out in the kitchen here. All right. Kissy, kissy, kissy, kissy, kissy, kissy, kissy, kissy, baby. Oh, looky. See the funny old face, unky, herky's make. Oh, well, I know what'll stop you. Watch me while I stand on my head. Look, baby. Behind the closet, the floor lamp, and the goldfish bowl. Well, at least it stopped him from crying. Wait, I'll sing something for you, baby, and for goodness' sake, laugh when I sit down at the piano. Oh, baby. He ripped over the kitchen cabinet. Hey, I couldn't find any brandy. You think he could go for a little slug of gin? I don't know. I suppose it ought to be all right. I'll give him. Well, let's see. I can't remember just what mom gave me. It was either a teaspoonful mixed in with a glass of water or a spoonful of water mixed in with a glass of brandy. Sounds more logical. It was a glass of brandy to a teaspoonful of water. Yes, I guess that's it. Only we're going to have to use gin. Here's a glass of gin. We'll give him the water later for a chase. Who's still, baby? Look out, Mr. Skelton. He'll knock it out of your head. Oh, gee, the rest of the gin spilled too. Guy shull over me, you and the baby. Well, I guess maybe we better both think to him. Hey, just my uncle used to sing a song. He'd put himself to sleep with it. The, uh, sweet Adeline, I think it was. Sweet Adeline? Well, I know that song. Come on, let's sing it. Sweet Adeline. Sweet Adeline. Oh, we just intoxicated. Who, me, us? Did you deny it? Take it easy. We've been drinking on us. We haven't. The baby knows we haven't. Hey, baby, tell your mom we didn't touch a drop. Well, it's not only trying to keep you quiet, were you? Lesson school, Guad. How do you expect me to talk in the morning six months old? Sing an identification tag. That's right. And we'll be it. Yeah, say, Del, I don't, I like to bring this up. But have you been going around saying that I'm uneducated? No. No, not at all, Red. I, uh, merely said that your spelling is original. Oh, well, that's the, oh, what's the use? Good night, folks. See you next week. Bye. Remember, friends, during the week when you ask for Avalon cigarettes. Don't forget your change. Yes, you'd never guess, but Avalons cost only 10 cents, plus city or state tax. Ladies and gentlemen, Red Skelton will appear at the Chicago Theater starting next Friday, along with John Bowles and Zezu Pitts. And Red will be back with us next Saturday evening at the same time when the Brown and Williamson Tobacco Corporation will again present Avalon Time. Del King speaking. Good night. At the Chicago Studio. An apple for the teacher is from the production of Star Maker. This is the national broadcasting company. 9 p.m. B-U-L-O-V-A, Boulevard Watchtime. From Johnny Davis. Johnny Davis. Thank you, Ed. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and especially back on the air again with you. Boys, I'd like to start off with an oldie, you are music.