 Soft, shining hair, that's what every girl wants, and that's the way your hair will be when you use Fitch's new cream shampoo. Fitch's cream shampoo leaves your hair dreamy soft like moonlight, shining like bright starlight. That's because this marvelous new shampoo is made with two beneficial beauty aids, lanolin and olive oil. Lanolin is used to soften the hair, to give it a brand new look. Olive oil is used to bring out sparkling highlights, to leave your hair gleaming and bluster. And girls, you'll find Fitch's cream shampoo delightfully easy to use. Just a small dab whips into heaps of lather, to thoroughly cleanse your hair and scalp. To rinse, just a swish of plain water and every bubble of suds is gone. Then see how soft and bright, how gloriously bright this amazing shampoo leaves your hair. It looks as though it had been brushed and brushed and brushed. Fitch's cream shampoo is 52. Compare the size of the jar, compare its low cost, and buy it at drug or toilet goods counters. That's Fitch's cream shampoo, made with lanolin and olive oil for softer, shinier hair. The FW Fitch Company makers of Fitch Shampoo presents the Fitch Van Wagon, written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Janine Roos, and Whitfields, Robert North, Walter Sharp and his music, and starring Alice Faye and Phil Harris. As we look into the Harris home, it is 12 o'clock noon. Phil is still asleep, and Alice is downstairs talking to her brother, William. Well, the clock's noon, and Philip is still sleeping. Alice, why'd you let him sleep so late? Well, he's tired, William. He and his band played at a dance last night, and they got home very late. He was so groggy when he got in, he didn't know what he was doing. Why? What happened? He came in half asleep, sat on the edge of the bed, took off one shoe and one sock, and then sat there for a half hour, staring at his feet, staring at his feet. Yes. Finally, he turned to me and said, hey, Alice, am I going to bed or am I just getting up? Now, you know, Phil's been working too hard lately. All he thinks about is his band and his musicians. It's gotten so he hasn't taken me out once in the last three months. Why not? I don't belong to the union, and Petrilla won't allow it. Oh, I wish Philip would have worked so hard. Mommy, where's the dog? The playing dog's there, and we want to hitch Lieutenant Downey you up to our cart. Oh, I meant to tell you, children, Lieutenant Downey, you didn't feel well this morning, and I took him over to the veterinarian. What's wrong with your money? Well, I don't know yet, but the doctor's going to call me later and let me know. Now, run along and play, girls, huh? Alice, I'm just, what's bothering you about Philip? Well, he's so preoccupied. He doesn't know what he's saying half the time. His mind is always with that band of his. Uh-oh, uh-oh, here he comes now. Good morning, Phil. I got to get a new sax player. Oh, she's going to kiss me good morning, Phil. I got to enlarge that fiddle section. Bill Harris, I'm talking to you. Oh, uh, pardon me. What did you say, Miss? I'm your wife, remember? And I'm standing here with my lip pocket up. Doesn't that mean anything to you? Oh, yeah, I got to get a new trumpet player, too. Why aren't you going to kiss me good morning? Oh, sure, yes, you certainly am. I was just thinking about band aid. Come here, honey, and I'll give you a great big... Good morning, Philip. It's about time you got up. You should be ashamed wasting such a glorious day. Time is too precious to be wasted. Every minute should be devoted to accomplishing something. Look, poor should go out and face life someplace else, will you? Philip, Philip, I'm here on business. I've been going over the books and I find you're overpaying the musicians in your band. They're not worth what you're giving them. Get lost, ledgerhead. Get lost. I haven't had a cup of coffee yet and you ain't paid, you paid too much, paying too much. I got to pay my boys a lot. After all, I got the best musicians in the country. Now, who's the best? Now, wait a minute. Not you, too, Brutus. Wait a minute. After all, now, you ain't trying to say that my musicians ain't no good. Well, that ain't the only thing they ain't. Even you must admit that your band is, shall we say, loud? They ain't so loud. Then how come all your girl vocalists wind up with punctured eardrums? Oh, Alice, why don't you stop exaggerating? You used to sing with my band and it didn't affect you any, did it? Eh? He was. Oh, Phil. You just keep picking on my band, that's all. Why don't you leave me alone? No, no, I'm not only picking on it because of what it... I'm only picking on it because of what it's doing to you. You're working too hard. You don't look well lately. What are you talking about? I never look better in my life. And, baby, that's hard to stop. Well, you don't look well, Phyllis. And it's because you don't lead a healthy, normal life like I do. I don't smoke, drink, or run around. I'm in bed every night at nine o'clock. And at six o'clock the next morning, I get up. What for? To fill your fountain pen or something? Look, will you guys leave me alone? There's nothing wrong with me. Oh, I can share this, Phil. You're very irritable lately. Do me a favor. Go to the doctor and have a baseball metabolism. There's nothing wrong with my metabolism. It's as baseless as anybody's even baseler. Oh, now, look, a checkup won't do any harm. Please do it for myself. All right, all right. Metabolism, metabolism. I knew I was gonna miss that. I'll go just to prove it to you that I am in perfect shape. I'll go. I'll go down to see Dr. Emmerman. But if I'm gonna go, I better go now because I got a band rehearsal later this afternoon. Would you go ahead, Phil? I'll call the doctor and tell him you're coming right down. OK. And look, Alice, call Frankie and tell him to pick me up at the doctor's office. So long, honey. So long, dear. Goodbye, Philip. Even through the door, I can hear that guy. I don't know what they're worrying about. I never felt better in my life. Nothing ever bothers me. I don't worry. I got a system. If your temper's getting the top hand, all you've got to do is just stop and pass that piece, pipe, and bury that hat. You like the dark sauce, kick the sauce, chatter, hoochie-chip, or what to do. If you're feeling mad as a wet hand, mad as you can possibly get, then pass that piece, pipe, and bury that tummy off. You see, you make cherries, you pull the pegs too. Be cranky. Try to use a little restraint and wipe off all that war pain. If you find yourself in a fury, see your own judge and your own jury pass. Pass that piece, pipe, and bury that hat. You like the dark sauce, kick the sauce, chatter, hoochie-chip, or what to do. If you want a hover out west too, you will soon discover it's best to pass that piece, pipe, and bury that hat. You like the dope, dope, chong, gold, chatter, hoochie-chip, or what to do. Even in colonial days, remember ceremonial ways to pass that piece, pipe, and bury that tummy off. Like the human mischief and that tick-a-peas too. When all the tough men on the totem pole so if you want to be an all right guy, now the long faces of the night sky write metapology and dissatisfaction. When you call it's grand to pass that piece, pipe, and bury that hat. You like the dark sauce, kick the sauce, chatter, hoochie-chip, or what to do. You like the cherry-cheery-cheese-roof-the-peck, those to do the meat, chipper, chest, and chick-a-peas. The sus is as elated as a doctor, do you really think there's anything wrong with it? Oh, no, no, I've said I don't want him to work so hard. I hope the doctor tells me something to slow him down. Why take any charges? Why don't you call the doctor and suggest to be a little scared of the sus? the only way you'll ever get him to take it easy. Well, you may be right. I'll call the doctor and ask him to do it. I'll also call Frankie and tell him to do the same thing. Oh, Doctor, Mrs. Harris stuff called. Her husband Phil is on his way down for check-ups. You mean old Curly Top? What's he want to check-up for? All he's concerned about is his beautiful wavy hair. Is he really that conceited about his hair? Easy. I'll never forget the last time he was here. Before I could listen to his heart, I had to remove the rag curlers from the hair on his chest. Harris wants you to slow a little scare into induction. He's been working too hard, and she feels you're the only one who can get him to slow down. Well, this could be fun. I could scare him with a few long medical prayers. But now, what can I tell him he has? Oh, why don't you tell me he has rhinitis and a cephalousin? Nurse, I can't tell a man. Why not? I can't pronounce it. What does it mean? It's a simple headache. Oh, of course. I'll give it to him. Very well, I'll tell him. I'll tell him he has, what's that word again? Rhinogenous cephalousin. Oh, yes, sure. Oh, Doctor, someone just came into the reception room. That must be Harris. No, I'll go out and see him. Hiya, Doc. Good morning, Mr. Harris. How do you feel? Great, great. How do you feel? Not bad. You look so good. I don't? No, you're a little pale. What's the matter? My stomach's been bothering me a little. Look, don't eat so much. Drink a lot of water and get plenty of fresh air. That'll be $5, please. Thank you, Doctor. Wait a minute. I'm not sure you're here. You want to check up? Let's get started. Open your shirt. OK. Well, I've never seen anything like this before. What's wrong? You're the first patient I've ever seen with Hamhawk tattooed on his chest. Yeah, and in color, too. Let's take a deep breath while I listen with my stethoscope. Uh-huh. How am I, Doc? Mr. Harris. Yeah? Would you mind paying me in advance for this visit? Doctor, there's nothing wrong with me. Is there? Well, I hate to tell you this, Mr. Harris, but you have a severe case of, excuse me, what did you say I have? I said you have a severe case of rhinogenous epilagia. Oh, that. Well, that's nothing to worry about. I'll just go home and sprinkle some malbun on my crudelbine. What's a crudelbine? You worry with it. I'm still working on rhinoceros. Mr. Harris, I don't want to frighten you, but you're a sick man. Yeah? Yeah. In addition to what I just said, you have an acute case of Dorsum Resundum, and you're in the advanced stages of super-riousous catechus. Gee, I got all that stuff, Doc. Well, couldn't I trade that in for the flu or something? Why do you want the flu? I want something I can write home and tell my mother I got. Flu I can spell, F-L-E-W. I'll write it out for you. Here. And remember, this is no laughing matter, Mr. Harris. You're in bad shape. Unless you slow down and take things easy, I will not be responsible for the consequences. Wait. Is it that flu? I'm afraid it isn't, Mr. Harris. Well, gee, who is that? I can't understand it. I thought I felt good when I came in here. Well, so long, Doc. Not that this happened to anybody so fast. Gee, now my head feels hot, and my hands feel cold and clammy, and I'm breathing heavy. At least I'm breathing. What did he say I had? Dorsum rotundum. I don't see how I'm even walking. This is awful. Hiya, Curly. Oh, hello, Frankie. Alice told me you were here, and you're... Curly, what's wrong? Oh, Frankie, there's something I've got to tell you. You're looking at a man who has a case of dorsum rotundum. The whole case? Oh, Lodge, you're getting on my nerves. I just wanted to see the doctor, and well, he put that thing on my chest, and I'm a sick man, Frankie. I don't... Frankie, I don't look like a guy who's about to kick off, do I? I don't know, Curly. You mean I look sick? Yeah, your face looks awful. You're pale and drawn. You've got big bags under your eyes. Bags under my eyes? Are they noticeable? Not really. This looks like your nose is wearing a saddle. English or cowboy? More like a size saddle. You really got it, man. I know I got it, but I wish I knew what I got. Well, for one thing, I can see you've got too much iron in your blood. How do you know I've got too much iron in my blood? It's obvious. Look at your hands. The empty of fingers are breaking out in nails. Frankie, how can you joke at a time like this? You're supposed to be my pal. Comfort me. Say something to cheer me up. Just tell me that I'm not going to die. Tell me I'm not going to die. All right, I'll tell you. But my heart won't be in it. Oh, Remly, how can you be so callous? You're supposed to be a friend. You don't care what happens to me. That's not so, Curly. I don't like to get sentimental, but all I can say is, I wish I could go in your place. Gee, Frankie, that's awful sweet of you. All I can say is, I wish you could too. I've got to get down to rehearsal now, but you better not go. I'll drive you home. Don't bother. I'll walk down. I'm capable of walking home. Hope you make it. Go on, Curly. Gee, so young, too. My pal, Frankie, I don't know what I'd do without him, but I'd sure like to try it. Well, I got a long walk. No, maybe I better not walk my condition. I'm sicker than I know. Now I've even got a quiver in my liver. My head's starting to ache. There comes those cold hands again. Maybe I better ride home. Hey, ambulance, I need taxi. Gee, I'm going past your house. Do you want to lift my delivery truck? Oh, hello, Julius. Yeah, I'd love a lift. OK, jump in. Jump in in my condition. Just open that door, kid, and let me call in there. I wouldn't know, Julius. Hey, I'm glad I met you. I couldn't move. Look, kid, before you say anything, I want you to know that you're looking at a man who isn't long for this world. Now, where do you- That's life for you. He's going to get raised, and I'm going to get lowered. Anyway, Mr. Harris. Look, Julius, I've just been to my doctor, and according to him, I'm on my last legs. And gee, if anything happens to me, Alice wouldn't have a man around to take her in his arms and comfort her. I wouldn't say that, Mr. Harris. Oh, look, Julius. Oh, gee, it's got me worried to death. I wonder if she'd ever get married again. No. No. No, she wouldn't because I remember what she told me on our honeymoon. But where did you and Miss Faye go on your honeymoon? Niagara Falls, why? Just checking. I wouldn't want to take her to the same place. If I could lift my arm, I'd punch you right in the nose. Look, Julius, drive faster, will you? I feel worse every minute. William, I'm a little worried. You think maybe the doctor found something really wrong with Phil? Oh, nonsense, Alice. I'm positive there's nothing wrong with Philip, at least physically. I guess it's silly of me to worry. I know there's nothing wrong with Phil. It's probably all in my imagination. Just one of those things, one of those crazy things. One of those bears that sound and ring. Just one of those little things. It was great, it was joy, and he didn't call yet. He should any minute. You go out and play, and I'll let you know when he does. All right, Mommy. Do you think the dog will pull through, Alice? Well, he's very old. I don't think he has much chance. I'm afraid when the vet calls, he's going to have bad news. I guess I should have told Phil about the dog, but I didn't want to upset him any more than he is. I stick, man. I'm lucky I even made it home. Everything's beginning to hurt now. How can things happen so quickly? And how am I going to tell Alice? It's going to break her heart. I better sneak in the house and go upstairs until I think of some way to tell her. I hope Alice isn't around so I can, you know, darn it, there's the phone. Now she'll come out here to answer it, and well, I better hide in the dining room here till she's finished. Well, that's probably the doctor calling now, William. I'm anxious to find out how the poor old thing is. Hello? Oh, hello, doctor. I've been waiting for your call. Oh, why is a doctor calling her? Now it will come as a shock, and she'll get hysterical. He's that bad, doctor. You think he's going to die? Oh, what a shame. He tells her I'm going to die, and all she can say is, oh, dear, what a shame. You think a guy's wife would show more enthusiasm? Yes, that's true, doctor. He is getting pretty old, and he has outlived his usefulness. Pretty old, she ain't exactly no Margaret O'Brien herself. Well, the children will miss him, but I can always replace him. I've seen several in Beverly Hills that appealed to me. Several, yet one ain't enough. Oh, thank you, doctor, for all your trouble. As soon as I get another one, I'll bring him in for shot. The doctor said there's no hope for him. You know, the hospital soon he sort of... And he without it. Oh, nonsense. And he was never around anyway. He was always chasing all over town. Why, I don't even think he appreciated the horse meat you cooked for him. Horse meat, I thought she was just a bad cook. But that's the same I'm going to miss him. Well, frankly, I failed to understand how you ever tolerated him around the house. He was always lying around, scratching himself with his hind leg. I suppose he thinks that's easy. I've sort of become attached to him. I'll never forget the way he used to look up at me with that silly face and lick my hand. Gee whiz, ain't nothing sacred to her. Here I am about to die and my wife doesn't even shed a tear. Just for anything like me, Wilton, and the flower of you. The thing that Alice doesn't even care is just... I don't know what he's going to do with it. Who's that gobbling in there? What? Am I still with you? I do think so. What's wrong? What did the doctor say? Oh, as if you didn't know, you jazzy value. Talking to the doctor, and he said my days are numbered and you didn't even care. You had a hope. Oh, Phil, that was the veterinarian I was talking to. The dog is sick. The dog? Oh, don't tell me we're both going to get it. All I need with everything else is wrong with me. What do you mean? What's wrong with you, Phil? Yes, yes. What did the doctor say you had better? Oh, I'm awful sick, William. I think I've got rhinos and dozers. I've got... Well, wait a minute. Here's the whole list. Yes, let me see. Alice, Alice, this is priceless. What are you laughing at? Oh, oh, Philip, there's nothing wrong with you. All you have is dorthum rotundum, which means you're round-shouldered. Rhinogenous cephalalgia, the headache, and peteritis capitis means dandruff. Now, how do you like that? I thought I was dying and all I got is round-shoulders, headache with dandruff. How can I have dandruff? I use spedge. The idea of the doctor throwing a scare like that into me. Oh, Philip, I'm sorry, but it's my fault. I told the doctor to scare you a little so you'd take it easy. But, honey, you shouldn't have had an order done that. Well, maybe I shouldn't have an order, but I've done it. I want you to stop working so hard so you can spend more time at home with me. You'd like to be with me, don't you? Hmm... You know I do. Sure I do. Come here, baby. I want to take you in my arms and do... Philip, I hope this has taught you a lesson. Oh, I got to set a trap for you, kid. Get out of here, will you? Willie, we're busy. Now go on. Philip, I hope, but I hope this scare made you realize the importance of moderation. Or, as a Chinese philosopher once said, he who want a rice field too much, wind up with just muddy field and no rice. Thank you, Madam Chunkai Chef, and get lost. Allison Phil will be back in just a moment. America's number one hair problem is dandruff. Yes, according to a recent survey made by Cosmopolitan Magazine, 61.5% of those interviewed said their number one hair problem is dandruff. But you can be free of this problem by using Fitch's dandruff remover shampoo regularly each week. When you see how completely Fitch's shampoo removes dandruff with the first application, you'll be sure neither unsightly nor unseen dandruff is spoiling your personal appearance. Yes, be free of all traces of dandruff with Fitch's shampoo. For Fitch is the one and only shampoo made who's guaranteed to remove dandruff with the first application, he is backed by one of the world's largest insurance firms. It's easy to use and it leaves your scalp tingling with that grand clean feeling. Buy an economical bottle at Godgore Toilet Goods counters or have professional applications of Fitch's dandruff remover shampoo at Beauty or Barbershop. Fitch is... This is NBC, the national broadcasting company.