 So I got up to use the restroom and then this is what I came back to, little thieves but they're so cute I cannot be mad. Hello my beautiful internet friends I have a weird story to share with you guys this has never happened after surgery for me and before I dive in I did want to let anyone know who is squeamish or easily grossed out or anything like that about blood or incisions or wounds or any topic like that this may not be the best video for you because we will be covering topics like that and also showing some footage around those things fair warning so enough intro last night was really odd uh I went to sleep everything was normal and I was icing my leg don't fall asleep while icing things by the way guys but it was like there was a lot of padding so I was not in any harm of actually damaging anything and I woke up about 2 a.m to my fingers covered in blood that in itself is just kind of a weird experience to have and I looked down what I saw resting on this pillow here which is where I keep my leg elevated to sleep at night was my ice pack wrapped perfectly around my bandage which was still in like a perfect circle just sitting on my pillow while my leg which needs to be inside those bandages protected for the next 14 days was free as a bird free as a kite free as a however that saying goes and my fingers were covered in blood because I was like holding my leg in my sleep because of the medications I'm on I sleep super super deep and so I think I probably accidentally pulled my leg out because they got really loose or something like that and then was like holding it in my sleep because it hurt and then my fingers got all bloody and stuff and anyways I woke up and kind of freaked out a little bit rushed to the restroom got my hands clean clean the wound the best I could and then called the doctor because here's the thing the nurses stressed at the hospital and in discharge instructions it was really important to keep it covered clean and dry until the incisions came out sometimes with surgeries you can actually take you know bandages off you can change it yourself things like that this was not a surgery like this this needed to say covered but I talked to them and everything will be fine they said it's not a big deal and so we got some gauze pads and I'm actually waiting for Brian to bring back a couple more supplies but in the meantime I do when I have this changed because the only gauze I have on it right now is old gauze which is not good gauze to have on any wounds so I thought I would change it with you guys and show you what it looks like because I personally think that surgical sites are interesting because I've had so many of them but like I said if you are easily grossed out or anything like that this is not going to be your cup of tea this is my surgical site four days post op it actually looks pretty good all things considered yeah so let's take a look all right so my hands are thoroughly washed and don't you love how cakes is still in the frame back there one bummer with this is that there's not nearly as much padding and pressure on it anymore so it's a little bit more uncomfortable but it's not that big of a deal and it is actually not that bad I'm also not nearly as skilled of a leg wrapper it sounds weird as doctors are and so there's like lumps in the ace bandage when I wrap it around I've got to learn how to wrap the end of my leg a little bit better it does look like it bled a little bit which is not a great thing are you guys ready all right so it looks like they pretty much just added on to what I already had so this and this is what we're looking at guys if you're wondering what the heck this is that is called a scar in vagination I believe it's basically that was an incision as well at one point and it basically folded in on itself I'm hoping that as time goes on that will kind of work its way out that can be caused by you know like pressure and swelling as well but I think it kind of looks weird and I'm not a super big fan of it but honestly guys I think it looks pretty good you can definitely see that it's like swollen and stuff but that's to be expected four days after surgery I've been like I said keeping nice and elevated which helps a lot because it's really not even that swollen so all things considered I think it's actually looking pretty good now for fresh gauze and we'll wrap this sucker back up so aside from a pretty eventful night I think things are going really well I feel a lot stronger today than I have I'm not quite as woozy and out of it but I'm definitely still taking it easy so that has been today's and last night's adventures and here's a little bit from yesterday so I've been resting all morning it's now uh one o'clock and I have this momentary surge of energy so I thought I would capitalize on it day three three after surgery it's Saturday now one task done for the entire day which is to switch over things from my old camera bag to my new one and after surgery you're like supposed to do things you're not just supposed to lay on the couch all day I still feel like crap and need to ice and elevate my leg most the time but I also don't want to lay on the couch all day so I'm going to interact with you guys while I get this thing done so I did want to talk real quick about waking up from anesthesia if you watched my like how to prepare for surgery video I talked about how I've had some real issues waking up from anesthesia before I have PTSD which is not a lot of fun and I've had it for years I've been in counseling for years I've worked through a lot of it it's gotten a lot better but one place where it definitely shows up is waking up from anesthesia I've had a horrible time with panic attacks waking up hyperventilating like waking up in a full fledged cannot speak cannot breathe cannot don't recognize where I am I'm like in a flashback kind of situations from anesthesia when you're coming out of surgery like that not a great place to be I feel like I need to send the anesthesiologist a personal thank you gift bag and a medal because he talked to me for a while before surgery really listened to my concerns and said I totally get it I mean also heard what I said about having like uncontrollable pain waking up from my amputation surgery and said you know what we're gonna modify some things with what we do with you in anesthesia and make sure that you wake up as easy as possible it was funny because a couple days before Brian and I went and watched five feet apart and in that movie someone wakes up from anesthesia and it's like they're waking up from taking a nap they're just like oh hi guys basically you know and I made fun of that because like no one wakes up from anesthesia like that like you're super groggy you're super out of it emotional or whatever and I was complaining to Brian about it but that was legitimately how I woke up from anesthesia this time that has never happened to me in the dozen times that I have gone under and come out even before I had PTSD like that never happened he did an incredible job something that also happened this time around with waking up from anesthesia is that the same nurse that was with me when I woke up from my amputations with me this time now like I told you guys when I woke up from amputation it was horrible it was honestly a traumatic experience I was like in screaming pain for hours and they could not get things under control to the point where and this nurse told me this she had told the doctor I like refused to give me any more medication because she thought that she might kill me she thought that I might OD or stop breathing I think I told you guys before like I saw the records of all the medications they gave me during that time and they gave me they gave me a lot of drugs but eventually they did get the pain under control she remembered that day very very clearly which kind of surprised me because that was months ago and I'm one name on a list of so many people who wake up from surgeries every day in that hospital it's a big hospital but she had seen my name on that schedule the morning and was assigned to be with me which I thought was really cool because she had been with me before so this time when I woke up from surgery she was prepared for whatever could happen because she knew that I could wake up in a panic she knew that I could wake up with uncontrolled pain and she was ready to be there for it thankfully neither one of those things happened I thought it was so sweet that she cared so much she let me come out of anesthesia very very slowly which I think was a really important piece of how well it went if you ever watched this I just want to say thank you for being an amazing nurse and uh actually I'm starting to feel pretty hopeful I thought it was funny you know I think in the video where I talked about feeling hopeless before surgery I talked about feeling like something always goes wrong that's just like you know out of the ordinary it's just like a medical mystery and blah blah blah and occurred to me yesterday when I was editing the video that I released about how surgery went I'm brandishing weapons at you guys again I am so sorry anyway in that video I talked about how my doctor actually told my mom and my husband I was like a trailblazer and that he never really seen this kind of thing in particular developed before so on and so forth and so it really was like a not a medical mystery but just a medical wtf and you know I think on the one hand I could have like heard that and been like see I told you I told you something always goes wrong and it's always terrible and blah blah blah but I I actually didn't take it that way and I was I guess proud of myself in a way for just being able to be like taking it and stride and and just be thankful they were able to take care of it and he doesn't see a reason for the issues that I was having to come back so let's hope that's the case ooh this looks fancy like I'm starting to feel like things will maybe be okay and I'm also starting to feel that like you know what even if they aren't 100% okay even if we run into more bumps in the road even if more stuff happens that's okay too because sometimes that's how things work and I am so freaking glad that this surgery went well I think I was a lot more scared about it than I I don't even know what I was scared of not like I was gonna die or anything like that I was just worried about it like I feel excited about the future again and beginning to believe that one day I will be able to walk again I think that was the biggest issue that I was beginning to like lose hope that I would ever be able to do anything ever again you know even though I knew that that wasn't gonna be the case it just was this crushing feeling of I am never going to get out of this place and I think by having surgery I was finally able to like move forward do something about what was going on and now that that's done I feel a lot more freedom and I feel a lot more hopeful on a side note I think admitting hopelessness and like owning darkness and negative feelings and all of that ick is a really effective way to get it to go away I had a conversation with someone in the comment section talking about the power of of words the power of speaking things out and I fully believe in that when we keep things in when we you know stuff it all down it festers and it grows and if we can just bring it out into the open and be like this is what I feel I feel completely hopeless I feel like nothing's ever gonna work out ever again even though that feels like a weak thing to say weak thing to admit suddenly those feelings aren't so powerful inside us anymore you know I hope that makes sense I think by being honest with myself and by everyone listening to me by my family and my friends listening to me and also all of you guys listening to me I was able to kind of work through a lot of that hopelessness and now I'm feeling a lot better so thank you guys long story short so far so good it's weird waking up in the middle of the night with your hands covered in blood but frankly it worked out just fine so uh all as well that ends well I hope wherever you guys are in the world that you are as cozy as little cakes is on this bundle of blankets and that the day is treating you wonderfully I'm thinking about you guys I love you guys and I'll talk to you soon my cat is on my phone hello are you guarding my phone can I see it can I have this ice pack I need it I need this ice pack