 Hi guys, thank you so much for joining me. I don't have a prepared Script or anything like that. I think I'm just going to talk from my heart and those of you that are interested and hearing a little bit about What this has been like for me? You know death and depression and devastation I know it's not a happy topic But it's my real life right now so Thank you for joining me anyways, I It's like how do you even begin to describe the emotions that you go through when when you lose Probably your whole essence, you know everything that you've Everything that made you, you know every bit of you. That's That's you is gone in the sense so You know, I know some of you who have followed, you know your friends with mine on Facebook and and some on Instagram And I've really been quiet on Instagram haven't said much at all, but on Facebook. I've posted a lot of stuff about What I'm going through with my parents and their death and you know, how what the what the adjustment has been like and I haven't been I haven't been able to bring myself other than the video I posted When I talked about my mother dying when Jay and I went and picked up her ashes I haven't really been able to bring myself to do a video about her and about my feelings and I just I just didn't have it in me. I didn't think that I could really talk Without you know breaking down crying Because even though everyone says oh, you know time heals all wounds. I know it does I Know time There will be a point in time when I can think back and I can and I'll smile more than I'll cry and I look forward to that Because I do have a lot of wonderful memories cherished moments of When I was with my parents when I was raised By them So silly I know here. I am 69 I'm 69 years old and I've lost both my parents and I feel Devastated I feel devastated I'm I think I'm really struggling with depression over this There's a whole lot of stuff that's happened. That's going on that you know, it's just way too much to even Attempt to talk about in a video, but the normal stages of grief no matter how old you are It doesn't it doesn't get any better because you're older It doesn't get any better because you had them all these years. It doesn't it doesn't get any sometimes I think it's actually worse because you've had so much more time with them and so much more being used to being with them You know that they've been for 69 years and every day part of my life and then all of a sudden bomb You're an orphan, you know, you don't have them anymore. How do you deal with that? You know that feeling that overwhelming feeling and You know, I'm put I'm pretty vocal. I mean I post about it I've posted photos. I've talked about it mostly on Facebook because I have a lot of friends and family and co-workers and stuff like that that are there and You know, I'm pretty vocal about how my feelings how I how this has really impacted me So I get a lot of good advice and a lot of good suggestions and and I so appreciate all that But I'll tell you it is not it doesn't make it any easier because you've had them For a long time. It doesn't make it any easier that you're 69 Yes, of course if you're a young and you lose your parents when you're a child or a teenager or really young adult and all that You haven't had the time that You know that you might need to develop into a person before it happens and to your own skin so to speak before it happens That's devastating. I always say well at least I've had them all this time and You know, I have 69 years of memories built up, you know We've been the first few years. I don't remember much, but I have all those memories built up when my mom died and I know I mentioned this in a previous video, but when my When Jane I went to and I haven't really even talked about much about the trip You know, I posted that one video when we came back on the vlog on Hawaii and Vegas Well when we came back and mom had fallen Jane I came down with COVID and mom had fallen broke ribs when in the hospital and I did, you know, I couldn't see her until I had the the clean test Which thankfully I did get so I was able to be with her the last day of her life but you know, it could face time and and It's it's not the same though as being there and touching someone and and all of that But when mom went in the hospital that Friday night, I had a dream I talked about the dream in my previous video So I'll just summarize it but in that dream Probably because it was really stressed out that mom was in the hospital And I just really was feeling this was the end. So I had a dream that dad my dad was coming for her and And and I and I said to Jay I feel mom is gonna die on Sunday Easter Sunday That was their 71st wedding anniversary and I feel that dad was coming for her She had her her body had started to break down She was denying going to the doctors. We wanted to bring her to a GI specialist because she wasn't eating She was losing weight Her blood volume was low. So the last at least this year 2023 and actually most of last year, you know, she lost my dad. She lost my brother So, you know, it was all these losses, but she still seemed to function well. She had her friends We took her out. We did Jay and I I'm so happy because we have all those memories of When we took my mom and dad out for rides and then after my dad passed my mom out for rides and we did things with them I'm so happy about that and I'll tell you all if you still have your parents take the time to make those memories take the time to do that because I have no regrets. I have absolutely no regrets. I think often of the rides along the coast or the rides up to the mountains or just taking them picking them up bringing them to my sisters and Having 45 minutes. Sometimes I'd re-quit them 45 minutes to an hour in the car talking uninterrupted But yeah, you know making those memories and Those moments now as as in this stage. I can look back and I have no regrets You know, yes I you know could maybe gone and visited more often, but there were times that three sometimes four Days after work, I'd stop by and visit my mom We'd have her up here on Saturday or on Sunday do a little bit of a you know impromptu barbecue or whatever. So Did I have a full day? Not all that often, but I had I had enough that I really felt It really felt it was impactful. It was quality time. It was quality time and that to me is The biggest piece Because that gives me no regrets. I think of all the stuff that we did all the times we talked and I have no regrets That's that's a really good feeling Before Jay and I went to Las Vegas for our convention and then for a little mini trip to Hawaii Mom told me about a dream she had and in the dream She thought it was so real because she saw dad in the hallway at home and she was talking to him And she was really couldn't believe it was a dream and I remember saying to her and this was probably within the last month of her life I remember saying to her you must really miss him and She said that she did and I wanted to say are you feeling ready to go to him again, but I didn't I didn't say those words But her dream and then the two dreams that I had Friday night and Saturday night the exact same dream Dad was coming to get mom and it was going to be April 9th Which just happened to be Easter Sunday this year was going to be April 9th Which was the wedding anniversary and that is exactly what happened her kidney started to fail She really started to go downhill Saturday night and Sunday and we knew that we knew it was it She had all her friends not her friends. She had all her family around her as she left this earth her grandkids were there Those that could not make it in person my niece who lives in South Carolina She was on FaceTime live the whole thing. She was with us every moment Those last moments must have been so hard for her to be so far away And only be able to be there that way I'm sorry get emotional This is by far been the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my life You know, I realized now and I've realized this for a while that all the stuff that we gather At the end of the day No one's gonna want it. You know, I mean my sister and I are going through my mom and dad's possessions 60 some odd years. They've lived in that house and The Photos and the letters the things that they saved the memorabilia the things that were important things that they touched We're going through all of that and we're We're thinking You know, who's gonna take this who wants that and there's so much stuff That it's so sad because there are things that I don't have room for, you know, my sister just have room for and Yeah, so it kind of reinforces to me and Jay that we need to go through all of our stuff So our kids don't have to go through it as much, you know, I mean, we still have the attic to tackle We're doing the basement. We're doing all the rooms in the house You know, it's just it's just an astronomical job and we find these treasures as one picture My sister posted it of my mom and dad when before they were married probably 1948. I'm thinking I'd never seen this picture before Never it was found in an envelope. You know, it never seen this picture before and In this picture, this was a picture on my wedding day. My mom the dress that she wore on my wedding day. I Have it. It was hanging in her closet Under plastic, you know preserved nicely. I have that that dress. I don't know if I'll ever wear it I don't know if it'll ever fit me. I'm a lot taller than my mother Bigger bone than my mother, but I have it and I have their wedding band This is their wedding band and I'm gonna wear it around my neck Because I don't want to size it My mother had bigger fingers than I do I don't want to size it and I don't want to just wear it on my my fingers I just want to wear it up close to my heart as possible Because it's it's a piece of them It's the ring that my dad gave my mom when they got married and it means more to me than Almost anything right now. It's those memories So I wanted to come on and just say Please please please do whatever you can so you have no regrets You know take the time. I know we're busy. I work full time. Everyone is super busy doing all sorts of different things But there will be a day When you won't have your loved ones anymore and those of you that have already gone through it You know exactly what it's like. It doesn't matter how old you are Doesn't matter how old they were doesn't matter that they lived a good life doesn't matter The pain is there the pain is raw and it's one step at a time and for me anyways talking about it Helps me deal because I feel devastated I feel every time I'm in the house and I touch something my dad built the house My dad built the house for us and we have all these memories there It's time to let those go You know, it's time to let those go and it's so hard It's so hard so hard But I wanted to come on and say I'm okay And a lot of people say are you okay monica and I'm going I'm okay, but I also know It's okay to not be okay, and it's okay to say I'm not okay I'm just so conditioned to say I'm okay They're really not okay. I'm getting there though, but I may meeting the depression I'm admitting the overwhelming devastation of how I feel I'll get back on the bandwagon. I've got a number of reviews In fact, the next few videos that you see will probably be those reviews. I have to get them done There's a couple of products. I'm so excited about sharing with you, but I I went to do this first So I wanted to do this video Because I wanted to share with you all of the feelings About what it's like what it's been like for me But I wanted to still go on and carry on and do the things that I have to do because I know my mother and father Would expect that of me. They would expect that of me And I'm going to be the daughter That they expected I to be I would be or continue to be I'm going to put that smile on my face Even if I'm smiling through tears, I'm going to put the smile on my face And I'm going to treasure all those memories of mom and dad and I'm going to continue to make moments with my loved ones Then I can treasure so that I know I will have no regrets Regrets can really get to you It really can Anyways, thank you so much Thank you so much for watching The videos I have coming up the reviews some products that I'm super excited about I'm going to share that with you One product I was starting to use when I went to Vegas So, you know, that was the end of March, right? And so if used it for a while and another product that I just started using that I'm like over the moon about so I'm going to be sharing some products in my next video and every now and then I'm not going to try to be too much of a Monica Downer, but Every now and then I'm going to talk about the grief process because it's like just such a huge huge part of me So I hope you've been with me. Thank you so much. Love you all