 Kitty, uh, did I pronounce that properly kitta? Yes. Okay. I'll butcher it again. Hey, what's up? What's you ready for the hot seat? I Think so, okay So what's your question? I? Am in a relationship with someone Pardon a month and then I'm not actually yet Yes, okay. I just need to get context. So keep going. Yes I met him about four months ago on a boat on vacation and No, no, I We texted I matched his energy and then at some point he moved it to the phone and At one point about two weeks in saying I really like you and I want to have a relationship with you. I Never had a man do that before so that was really fun Um, yay a lot of what you just said sounds like him. He sounds like he's in alignment But He's not the best with honoring his phone call times and so it kind of freaks me out Okay, I kind of need someone that is more reliable with phone times if you tell me you're gonna call it to Don't text me. Hey, I can't talk. I'll call you in three hours Wait, wait, let's let's jump on that for a second So he says he's gonna call you to and then he says, hey, I'm tied up. I can't call you for a few hours later Well, that's at least honoring the commitment of reaching so obviously something has come up That requires that attention. So is it during the day we're talking about or at four in the morning? He's a six-hour time difference So that brings a whole nother time thing too. So what? So when you say you've been dating for a month In a relationship in a relationship for a month, okay, so let's let's be clear about this, okay So you met him on a boat You communicated for four months and then did he fly out to you or did you fly out to him? I came out to him You came out to him and how much time did you spend with him a week and then I'm supposed to be going back in March Okay, but I ended a few days ago You ended the relationship a few days ago. Yeah okay, um so so Well, where do you want to take this conversation? So my issue is is that uh, my brain Goes into freak out mode When he he you are right when if it's like, hey, I'll call you country. Yes Okay, I when you now donned on me six hours. I'm like, wait a minute. My math says, okay, so I'm just curious I know um Paris Okay, and where are you? uh, united states Where in united states east? Okay, so relatively east coast. Okay. Um, all right. So he's in paris you flew out to him. You had a rock in time You came back. He wasn't communicating at the level that you would appreciate and you ended Yeah, so this past saturday Uh, he acted shady a few times and I was just like, okay, this is too much um, my brain goes straight into By the way, let's clarify what shady is for everybody. What is shady? Uh, so uh Oh, god, I gotta remember this. Um, so at first it was He called me and my my headphones picked up And when his head my headphones picked up, I didn't get to it But then I called him back. He didn't answer And then I texted and I was like, hey, you know, my phone went to the headphone. Sorry. Can you call me back? And then I call again. He doesn't answer and my texts never went to read or never went to like it acknowledged On the phone for like two hours Okay, so you either one do airplane mode or two shut off your phone Or it could be you've got you know, you got an internet issues. You've got other stuff that could be happening So your brain makes up a story Of what happened so so it either you you call it shady, but it's really a story that you made in your head So then what happened when you guys two did finally communicate with one another? And then what else happened? Oh, then he said he would call me at five At night um, and then he never did So five at night your time is what time his time Oh, what? Uh, 11 probably four in the morning three in the morning 11 No, if it's five p.m. Your time Right six hours ahead nine hour time difference six hours six hours. Oh six hours. Excuse me. That's right I'm thinking from los angeles. Okay. Yeah, we might have fallen asleep He said uh, and then I called him at like nine and he was like, oh well By the way, can we just like melanie know Sure, he's really living in paris by the way I just want to let me let melanie know that you actually physically went to him in paris So yes, you didn't know where he's at. Okay, so keep going So he was shady and and what was the trigger that ended the relationship? Those two things that my like text he it seemed like he shot his phone Okay, so how did you end the relationship was it text was he called at two times at 3 a.m. Which is nine o'clock his time and then he saw i'm gonna interrupt for a second He called you your headphones picked up so he You were telling me at 2 o'clock. Yes at 2 o'clock. Yeah, so so There could have been a glitch that happened. Okay. I'm just saying at least he called you It wasn't like you called him and then it was shady He called you and then your phone picked up and maybe Maybe he was thinking that you're sleeping with someone else just for the record. I just want, you know He could have been making up his own thoughts. Okay get to the ending now So he called at three. I didn't answer my call. He didn't I my phone was on june at disturb And then he saw that I was on facebook at 4 a.m. And he called and I answered it I just said like what the hell were you doing all day? He stood me up And i'm done. I don't want to do this anymore and I hung up the phone. How did he respond to that? I don't know. I uninstalled whatsapp So I have no clue what he's done or said But today on facebook he sent a message saying Uh, could you please unblock me from whatsapp? Okay, so now why don't you ask me the question that caused you to come on? Uh, I I just I don't is stuff in my head normal Like, you know the stories that our head creates of just like every time like I can't get a hold of him Or every time he doesn't answer his phone or every time He calls me like remember when I remember when I show this chart of emotional maturity and relationship skills No, I've never seen it. I show this all the time. So which category are you in? budget final I said budget final Do you are do you have clinical issues? Are you emotionally healthy or are you dysfunctional? I don't know. Um uh Let's ask everyone in the audience. Is she clinical dysfunctional or healthy everyone? What is your let's do a poll right here? Okay, I know I know my therapist tells me that I should read emotional intelligence and I've not done it in three years Oh emotional intimacy. I'm sorry the emotional emotional intelligence. Yeah I got it somewhere in the background of me. So, okay. Here's the thing You are normal. You are a normal red-blooded human being. Um And to make matters worse, you're a female. No, I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Right? Just being Women are more emotional because you guys have periods and shit like that. Um, all right. I'm being completely intentionally kidding him Your feelings are very normal Okay, I'm bad. You're not they're not healthy for you, but they're normal. Okay I suspect you have some childhood wounds and adult traumas in your past that have gone unhealed That causes you to make up stories in your head and you're not living in a present moment You're living in a future tense Particularly making up stories or you're living in the past. Okay. That's a very common thing human beings do okay, um And because of this and you chose a long-distance relationship Which means on some spiritual level you chose a dysfunctional dynamic because it wasn't going to be a regular dynamic It would it create you on a spiritual level you create an opportunity To sabotage something Okay, what I mean by spiritual level you're subconscious I I do believe everything from a spiritual point of view But I think your subconscious chose a dynamic that allowed you to create a story in your head that allows you to stay stuck If you truly want to make changes in your life I invite you to do a deep dive Into healing childhood wounds and adult traumas and date in a traditional fashion of meeting someone locally Going out once or twice building up rapport not be a telephone because everything over the telephone Creates what's known as artificial intimacy Artificial intimacy it is not real intimacy intimacy is built through the experiences you have with a person genuine intimacy Versus virtual intimacy so it is through multiple different types of experiences of social activities hobbies mutual interest Spending time with family and friends through all of these types of experiences You build a stronger bond with another human being But my invitation for you is to go back and work on yourself before you put yourself in an environment Because most likely what's the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results So if we as a as a therapist would look at your past relationship experience To see how that mimics or parents the type of love you received as a child And you would begin to do some healing around that space and also look at your adult relationships And your experiences and why you choose certain things and get to the root of what's going on and this will help you Oh, there's another great book to learn how to talk to the voices in your head I can't begin to stress this enough this book Yeah, I've always wanted to read that Okay, here's my instructions. You only read one chapter at a time one chapter at a time It is it's 19 chapters. It'll take you 19 days This will teach you how to learn to talk to the voices in your head How do you feel about the advice I've just given you? Good, um, are you I guess it's two questions. Are you Essentially saying that it's very possible of what I thought happened May not have happened Absolutely The wrong story than the right story He did say the day before that this long distance thing was being hard on him And he said what happens if I was to Someone else Okay, I just literally opened the door For you to I just want to be up front with everyone listening right now I just literally opened the door for you to continue to Choose this relationship, which is going to most likely implode anyway Okay, so I mean I'm just being up front, you know It is most likely you are making up stories in your head now That doesn't mean your intuition might not be right either But the same time you will most likely sabotage this in some way shape or form He's coming out to see you in march No, I'm coming back. Okay. So is it on your dime or does he pick up any of this cost mine? He's currently like doing stuff and he's in between work and stuff. So Okay You to come out and have sex with him and by the way French men are notorious. We're having sex with everybody. So That's just what I've heard. I can't own that one. I've just heard that Kydia did I help? Yeah, um, I think it's helpful about the childhood trauma and um It's kind of like what you're saying that I You're not saying it But essentially what you're saying is that until I work through this stuff That I'm going to keep self sabotaging relationships thinking In my head yep By the way, very common. We human beings are dysfunctional Um, can I reach in and give you a big gigantic jotham bear hug of appreciation for being on? Thank you. I appreciate it um, the The what I I guess saying goodbye, but what okay. Well, I guess my question is is um Uh, I forget I forget what it is now. Maybe I'm not supposed to ask them. I guess it's good. Go ahead and ask um So what do I do for March? And when I see him like the hotel is Yeah Well, I mean when can you cancel it? I really can't I would lose all my money Yeah, well, then you're gonna end up going anyway I mean, I'm gonna I'm just gonna I'm just going to predict That you guys will figure it out. You'll play this game. You'll block him for a while He'll try to get in touch with you. You get back in you'll see each other and then you'll repeat this all over again But guess what the lessons we learn sometimes are by big financial costs, too Yeah You're treating it as a vacation relationship. That's what happens when you do long distance Especially when it's another country. I mean the reality of the two of you ever living in the same space is like 100 to 1 Yeah Yeah, he's graduating college, which he's an older person graduating college and he's We talked about him moving here in june but Uh, I pretty much self-sacrifice. This is a 90 day fiance story Watch the tv show. Oh my god. You guys are like 90 day fiance. It's crashing up. No, I'm not doing that Um, by the way, we played a game by blocking him by the way. So just so you know, you're you're My but you watch on these these videos of like walk away and like to me it was just like he had sex So walking away like I'm just you know, I had no idea what he did. He may have I have no idea Okay, listen, I gotta let you go. Okay. Yes. Thank you so much for everything. I appreciate it. You're welcome. Big hugs. Have a great day You too. Thanks. So, uh folks, I just have to say, okay, here's the deal Obviously she owned. Well, I think she's owning her part or at least I think I hope she takes My advice and does some deep healing healing childhood wounds and adult traumas that will most likely continue to sabotage This is one of the challenges we'd have when we go into long-distance dynamics, especially in another country And there's already some interesting factors here involved. He's got professional issues He's talking you're talking about moving here. He's going to be then dependent upon her Then that's going to create all kinds of problems. It could be that he's seeking just a green card if you watch 90 day fiance watch what happened with Oh god, what was the couple from the dominic republic and she lived in new jersey? Oh my god, that was a shit show But nonetheless, um I hope she heats my advice and does some work on herself um Because again, if you haven't healed your shit, you're just going to find another Dynamic that's going to put you in a situation of Unhappiness and I'm here to promote happiness for everyone instead of sadness