 A few years ago, I realized that I was thinking about things in a whole different way that I had ever done all through my life. Things came up in my consciousness that I had never known before, never really thought about. And as I looked at that, I realized that I had entered my elderhood. My name is Larry Grimm, and welcome to my show Elderhood, Aging Gracefully. I am so pleased to be partners with Think Tank Hawaii that gives me a chance to share with you some of the basic foundational understanding of this time of life, and which is a stage of life as well. We have a childhood, we have an adolescence, we have an adulthood, and I'm saying we have an elderhood. And when we look at elderhood, it gives us a chance to identify some of the tasks which need to be done. Perhaps you've seen the bumper sticker, aging is mandatory, maturing is optional. And what I want to do in my coaching and in my work here is help people mature through their elderhood and make it a real and wonderful experience of life. I live here in Honolulu, on Oahu, and I've, for the past two years, I've had the opportunity to serve as chaplain with Bristol Hospice Hawaii. Bristol Hospice lives its tagline embracing a reverence for life. We seek to serve permanently ill patients and their families with the highest level of compassion and care and respect in their homes and in facilities across Oahu. So I'm here partly as that, but I'm also here with that experience, I mean, but I'm also here as one who does coaching, personal life coaching. And I want to specify or focus on elderhood in my coaching because it is such a rich and wonderful time to integrate life and to make a whole, for each of us to look at it as a whole seamless cloth. So I want to help be a part of that for anyone who will use my coaching. You can always connect with me as a personal life coach at larryg at live-connections.com. We live in this island, excuse me, the five spiritual tasks that I'd like to briefly mention to you are right here before you right now. I have found that both in my own experience internally and also in watching and working with other people, other elders throughout my life in chaplaincy work and long-term care and hospice care, that there seem to be these five tasks that are demanding or requiring and I like to say asking for our participation. The first is grieving. We grieve a lot more than we have been accustomed to because we've lost a lot more. The second is sorting out our stories. What are the stories that you listen to and tell yourself about yourself? Those shape a great deal of who we have been and who we are today and who we will become through our elderhood. The third is forgiving. I don't mean this as a religious imperative. I mean that this seems to be some desire within us as human beings in this elderhood time of life to forgive and be forgiven, to experience that kind of love with one another. Then finally, the fifth one is letting go and perhaps one of the most, excuse me, the fourth one is preparing. We'll focus on that today with Dr. Dexter Marr preparing externally in terms of getting finances, your free will, living will, preparations for all aspects of your elderhood life. All those are very important and to develop and strengthen your health in the elderhood and to lift up your life at that time. But there's also an internal preparation. What are the beliefs that you feel or that you have about your life and your life after life or the end of life? We dwell more on those and those become very important for us in our elderhood and in our last days here. Then finally, letting go, which is perhaps most challenging one that we do. My guest this morning is my teacher. I claim him as my teacher because here on Hawaii when I arrived two years ago I discovered that there was a mix of Buddhism that I had never known about and never really studied and as a chaplain at Crystal Hospice, I was pleased to have an opportunity to meet Dexter Marr. Dexter Marr, Dr. Dexter Marr, is a lay minister with the Huan Ji Shun Buddhist temple on Pali Highway and he just told me this morning he's also the president of the temple. Dexter, welcome. Thank you so much for coming to be a part of my show and to share something about Buddhism for all of us but also how do Buddhists prepare, something about how Buddhists go through this preparation for elderhood, for rich elderhood, for a wonderful experience of elderhood and end of life. Would you mind starting off with a self introduction? Sure. First I'd just like to thank you so much for the opportunity to join you in your show and share some of these Buddhist ideas with your audience. Welcome. As Larry said, I'm Dexter Marr, a lay minister with the Hongan Ji Buddhist temple and also the board president. It's the big white temple on Pali Highway right near H1 that I'm sure many of you have driven past. I did grow up in California though and raised as a Methodist and then I met my wife in college and her family was from this temple and so I was exposed to Buddhism through her family and we lived on the mainland myself professionally in health care for about 20 years before returning to Hawaii where we were able to participate in the temple's family and services. Just as a quick aside, did you find that Methodism and Buddhism had some corollary connections that you could enjoy that some similarities? Well Methodism is very kind of austere and simple as far as the Christian religions go and yeah so there were some crossovers in terms of style especially with the Hongan Ji Shin Buddhist temple here in Hawaii which from its time in the late 1800s began to adapt to western styles so it was one of the first temples to have pews and organ and those accommodations to western Christianity and so actually when you look at our temple sanctuary space where the lay people are it looks very much like a Methodist type of sanctuary. And the Dharma talk, the Dharma talk for the day is like the sermon in the Christian context. Wonderful. One of the things that I was surprised about in being here and I found so enriching for my life is a wide range of Buddhist expressions but I wonder if you would tell us first of all just a little bit about a thumbnail sketch of Buddhism. Sure, well Buddhism is endured for 2,600 years from its start in India in present day the Nepal area near the Himalayas and it has many many variations you know over that course of time. Maybe you can show me slide one and the slide shows the the origins of the Buddhist teachings with the Buddha himself 2,600 years ago but then as the centuries moved on there were major branches such as the Theravada, the Mahayana and the Vajrana branches that developed and in Hawaii the predominant Buddhism is what we call Mahayana Buddhism. It's the type that developed in Japan and because of Japanese immigration in the late 1800s you know the followers you know came to Hawaii before the priesthood and so of course and then other you know Japanese Buddhist traditions you know followed so the the major type of Buddhism that we have in Hawaii happens to be this Mahayana branch of Buddhism. So on that slide can you bring that slide up again please on that slide the Buddha's center not it doesn't move from left to right Buddha's center and then there are three main strands that further branch off into various expressions. Right, there are some geographic range the that upper right hand side the Theravada side is you know more predominant in Southeast Asia and then the Vajrana side is more in the kind of China area and then the Mahayana did move across China to Korea to Japan and into the West so you know there are those kind of characteristics. And as with every religion Christianity included Buddhism took on cultural orientations or cultural influences. Yeah the kind of the modus operandi for Buddhism is to coexist and synergize with existing religions rather than to try to kind of eradicate them and take over and so the Buddhist principles or the philosophies kind of begin to blend you know with the whatever the historic you know type of religion is and so in China say when it went there it mixed with Confucianism and Taoism. So there's many traditions and rituals that are actually Confucian or Taoist. It was hard to tell sometimes within a culture you know what what is what and in Japan there was Buddhism and Shintoism. Here in the here in the West it's beginning to be Buddhism and Christianity interesting and the influences of things such as meditation you know is being accepted in churches and schools and in a predominantly Christian society. Yeah and much of Christianity Christian people seek meditation and turn to the styles of meditation that have been practiced for centuries right thousands of years thousands of years in Asia. Exactly carry on please. So if you show me the slide number two these are the types of Buddhism that are here currently in Hawaii. On the far right hand side are these Southeast Asian you know types of Buddhism and we have representatives of monks from you know those paths all over the islands and then on the other two columns starting with Zen and through this the secular those are the kind of more common Mahayana type of of Buddhism and the Tibetan is actually a Vajrana but it's also so there's many opportunities to explore Buddhism you can you know drive you know anywhere in Hawaii and run into some kind of a temple of some sort and many times there'll be a Buddhist temple of some sort although even Christian churches look like Buddhist temples today. Interesting yeah so the the core teachings you know that Buddha taught 2600 years ago are the one thing that are common to all of these different paths and traditions and so the can you give us those names of the can you name those core teachings in a minute for us and then we'll come back to further core teachings I can show in do we have a slide slide three of I think it's slight actually slide five oh slide five jump a little bit slide five the the core teachings of the Buddha himself were Anaka Yuka and Anata you know the the words and the parentheses and those in a contemporary translation have to do with things are impermanent or change you know constantly you know something that we're kind of used to you know in our you know kind of high-tech you know type of of world but you know sometimes we can be uncomfortable with that yeah right we're going to take a minute break and come back think tecawai is leading us thank you so much for your partnership come back in a minute thanks to our think tec underwriters and grand tours the atherton family foundation carol monlie and the friends of think tec the center for microbial oceanography research and education collateral analytics the cook foundation dwayne carisu the hawaii community foundation the hawaii council of associations of apartment owners hawaii energy the hawaii energy policy forum hawaii an electric company integrated security technologies galen ho a b a e systems kameha meha schools mw group the schilder family foundation the sydney stern memorial trust holo foundation yuriko j suki mura thanks so much to you all welcome back to aging gracefully into your elderhood and through your elderhood this is i'm larry grim with think tec hawaii partner and we are exploring what it is to prepare for our elderhood prepare for our end of life experience and how our belief systems in shape a lot of what we think and become and how that in our elderhood becomes very important but today is special focus for that is buddhism and dexter marr is with me and i'm so grateful that he's here he's we're going to return to his description of the three principles of buddhism and let him think go ask him to go a little bit deeper in onto those if he would like to do that okay so welcome back and we were talking about these three cornerstones of the buddha's teachings these actually were developed you know through the you know the historical buddha who was a an indian prince and he had a existential problem with although he was a king you know he would not be able to control things such as old age sickness and death and so you know his realization was these principles that we're talking about that you know things do change you know that uh and that that's natural and we shouldn't you know fear that you know and uh and it gives us opportunities you know to make something that you're we're in control of the change um and then the challenge of life you know the the dukkha part is that yes you know life does have these things that hang over our heads like old age sickness and death but you know they can be addressed and we can you know cope with them and live happily uh with them as as buddhism buddhism i remember being associated with suffering is dukkha that sense of of life is suffering but not meant in the sense of you got to go out and suffer all the time but that is challenged right yeah the more contemporary way of thinking of dukkha you know uh is that is a challenge rather than it's just you know life is suffering you know life is challenging but you do have control and you can do something in order to address you know what the problems are whether it's old age sickness death taxes jobs relationship etc and then the the third principle other cornerstone is this concept of connection you know anatta it's not about yourself right it's about others and our connection not only with other human beings but with our world around us you know the world that is here to support us and to help make us successful and happy and a part of the amazing you know kind of ecosystem of life that we have i like though i like the word system connection and system to me are so so uh importantly to be held together right because we can never see ourselves outside of the whole system of human relationships of ecosystem and we i've taught a lot about stewardship and i've really realized that stewardship has this idea that we control things that we're given charge of we can't do that we we are part of it we are in in it which is a whole different approach from managing it what did the buddha i've heard stories about buddha periodically what did buddha encounter when he you just mentioned he was a prince right what were the challenges that he encountered well the we can see um slide number four the buddha before he was the buddha was siddhartha gautama an indian prince uh who had everything uh that one could you know desire 2600 years ago that's the bottom right slide um not exactly no but you know he uh but he was sheltered in his life and he stayed within the castle walls mostly but then he he left to explore you know the the people outside the castle and and and he was shocked you know he he saw sickness and old age and death for the first time and and and then he realized that you know even as a king he would not be able to avoid you know these uh conditions of life you know um and so uh he began a quest you know to he left the the temple or the castle he left his family and he went out to uh to find the way and that was the uh the way of the monk that that he had seen in that panel um and and that resulted in him you know coming up with these buddha's principles oh but the the principles were to help him figure out a way to be happy you know even when the the clouds of old age sickness and death uh were hanging over him and then he wanted to share that with others and so that it's exactly into the topic of you know how you know these things can help the elderly you know in all the things that uh we we have to face and then did did meditation in particular play an important role in that or the monastic life or what did he conclude well one of the uh principle ways of the monks at that time where it was meditation and he immediately started to uh train with meditation masters and he was able to um you know master those techniques but he found that it didn't make him feel better and so you know the um although he was able to master the techniques they weren't helpful for him uh so he tried other things he tried um uh severe ascetic practices like starvation and long pilgrimages and you know that that's what walking on lego blocks exactly and uh and that and he failed that too you know and but he didn't give up you know and so when he sat under the tree you know to figure things out he wasn't really meditating he was trying to ponder you know these these mysteries of uh of life interesting and uh search within himself you know the uh you know for for the answers much like you know our our uh physicists who are theoretical physicists you know just think it through that's how do we solve this right how to solve the problem and he came up with those principles and buddha comes from the hindu the sanskrit word buddha which means awake right yeah so he's the awakened one yeah he was awakened to how how to do that in the middle way i understand right right because he lived the rich life he tried this ascetic life yeah and those didn't work and so that's a lesson today because some of the many paths of buddhism you know are one way or the other uh but the middle way you know is you know the uh the buddha's way and the and the three principles of connection challenge and change right right if that really helps me that simplifies simplifies buddhas and the insights that he gains so so well now how does that come into play with afterlife okay with with afterlife actually uh the core teachings of the buddha uh of you know he said artha gautama um when asked what happens after i die he said i don't know i've never died of course uh so the buddha was very empirical you know he he was not a metaphysical type of a interesting teacher uh or his concepts were now as buddhism moves through all these different cultures you know it picked up a lot of afterlife you know traditions and rituals of other religions and and that sort of comes through at times so for instance the tibetans you know who believe as buddhist in reincarnation that reincarnation comes from their you know pre buddhist religion you know uh you know the in tibet uh but for a path such as hong gan ji shin ron shonen you know the founder 800 years ago of hong gan ji he said when i die just throw my body into the river um and let the fishes you know take you you know take care of me because uh you know when i you know pass away i am instantly free you know free of my human emotions and passions and so you know the the the buddhist way of thinking is that it's not about your afterlife you know but it's about your present life so that's where the idea of being present i see and focused on now you know is uh is so important be free from the suffering or free from the challenges at the time of death not knowing what that is exactly right except that there's well you want to be at ease and things uh um you know in buddhism for all these various uh conditions is about being understanding them and preparing ah so it's so it's a movement in terms of hospice care right exactly from this ease to ease right what's the pure land the pure land the pure land is an ancient you know kind of a concept and if for some paths pure land is nirvana or like a heavenly you know type of a place uh but in for hong ghan ji the pure land is actually now you know it's it's an appreciation of the life that we have you know this precious moment this instant in the universe that we that we have to be able to talk to one another and share exactly and love and you know appreciate a child's smile you know those are the you know the the preciousness you know and there's no guarantees that you know you're going to get it again so you know one should uh you know live fully you know in the present and not uh okay you can be prepared for the fear of death and the fear of suffering uh sickness and the fear of old age by doing those things that will uh help you uh understand the fear and then uh kind of try to tone that fear down you know those emotions that we have part of what elderhood is about for all of us no matter what our background but specifically we learn here from from buddhism the importance of toning down of getting prepared by letting go by releasing by toning down the fears and trusting in the pure land we already taste or as the christians would say the reign and realm of god in this world i mean in this world as well they're all reunited we're all really one thank you so much for being a part of this dexter thank you so much for your thoughts and sharing so much uh we'll be here in two weeks with another presentation of elderhood aging gracefully thank you to think tec kawaii namaste