 Well hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be shooting this short video for you today. Our topic stop being used by men and do these two things to avoid this. Two things you need to know to avoid this, okay? So you don't want to be used by men. Really quickly, if after this video this content resonates with you and you've been thinking, gosh, it's time to hire a coach, I want you to click the link below that says schedule a free discovery call. Which is with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. Okay, stop. Ah doing this. Two things to avoid being used by men. All right. So ladies, I know it's frustrating for you for so many of you. It's very frustrating. And by the way, men feel frustrated with the relationship process as well. So this isn't singular to men and women. But I coach women and I understand why you feel frustrating. Because the reality is, is most men are acting like little children out there in the dating realm. They're acting like we use the term boy, but I would prefer children. Okay, you know, we differentiate between a man and a boy. And I just want to say it's an adult male that acts like a child. And one of the reasons why I profess to be your big brother, your heart protector, is because I wish I could be there, you know, when a guy's going on a first date with you. You'll think back in the olden days where your big brother was at the front door and a guy came to the house, you know, and he wanted to, you know, ask your, you know, he wanted, you wanted to date your sister. I would put the threat of God in him if he did anything that was harmful or disingenuine to my sister. So that's kind of the way I approach my coaching practice. It's kind of the way I approach these videos. And it's one of the reasons why I'm so animated and I'm so like, ah, I get it, you know, and I, and I curse sometimes. Look, I curse, I say the F word sometimes, and it's just to illustrate a point. I call them exclamation points. But the point I'm trying to make is the reality is, is most men are rather clueless. They're acting like little children. And it's for these two primary reasons that this is happening. And that's what I want to draw attention to you. So in fact, some of my contemporaries are dating coaches. I know several great dating coaches out there. They're, they're men who are married with children and they're giving advice on helping you ladies understand men. So, and I get it. I was in that bracket of that 30 year old category that got married. And the only difference between me and some of my contemporaries is I'm the one who got divorced. And not only did I go through a divorce, I even had a significant relationship that didn't work out. So I'm in the trenches with you in a different capacity, but I've been married before I've been there. And why I'm bringing this up is that one of the components to avoid being used by a man in relationship, to avoid being used by a man in relationship is to choose men who are intentional, intentional. They're intentional about what they're seeking. And what I mean to say is those contemporaries I just mentioned, they're all married because they had an intention of getting married. Okay. Now, not all of you in midlife want to get remarried, but there's an intentionality about seeking a mate. There's an intentionality about seeking a partner. So let me illustrate an example. I'm going to put my glasses on. This is, this is a, this is from my dating site on match.com. Here's a picture of my dating site. And I don't think you can read in my own words. Well, I guess you can't, but it starts my first sentence starts off by saying, let me start by saying, I want to get remarried and I'm seeking a woman who feels the same. I want to get remarried. There's an intentionality there. So one of the things to avoid being used by men is choosing men who are intentional. They're very crystal clear that they want a fully committed relationship that leads to some sort of partnership. They're, they're intentional. They, they recognize that the dating process is one where two people are not just doing it just to have a good time and enjoy each other's company and its companionship and connection and sex. There's something beyond it. That's why my contemporaries speak from that place because these were men who saw beyond just the surface of dating. They actually chose a wife. So not that you have to get remarried, but you want a man who's intentional. And if you want to avoid being used, then choose a man who's intentional about wanting to be in partnership. Okay. Number two is choosing men who are emotionally mature, emotionally mature. And this is the tricky part because emotional maturity is really hard to spot. In fact, one of the things I do in my private coaching program is I help women learn how to vet for emotional maturity. Now, if you've watched some of my previous videos and even my podcast called the five signs of emotional maturity, I'm going to run by it really quickly here. But this is the critical important piece because if you don't want to be used by a man, then you have to choose a man who's an emotional grownup. He might be a physical adult, but he also acts like an emotional grownup. And the five key factors to remember are his actions consistently match his words. He takes personal responsibility for his choices. He acts like a victor and not a victim because a lot of people are acting from victim consciousness. He knows how to fight fair. In other words, he knows how to resolve conflicts without getting defensive, without stonewalling, without getting into contempt or criticism. He knows how to fight fair because every relationship is going to have friction. Number four, he has a level of empathy. And I don't mean empathy, meaning he can feel your feelings, but he actually genuinely cares about your feelings. He cares about how you feel. And lastly, he's transparent. In other words, he's consistently transparent. He's not hiding or stuffing his feelings like so many men do. And so the reality is, is you're not really being used by men most of the time. You're most the time choosing men who aren't intentional in relationship or they lack emotional maturity because these are children running around getting their basic needs met of companionship, connection, and sex. And so if you want to avoid this, I always talk about, well, first off, you have to love yourself to help you avoid this. You have to love yourself. And all of you know, I've been, I talk about my book, What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway? What the heck is self love anyway? Check out the link below to order a copy of my book. But when you love yourself, you're not going to be in the habit of choosing these kinds of men because you're going to be intentional and you're going to be emotionally mature. And when you're intentional and emotionally mature, you become a magnetic attractor for those of the same. And oftentimes, one of the reasons why we get used is because we're not intentional and we're still resolving our own wounds to emotional maturity. And that's my invitation for you to make that shift today, to make those changes right now. If you want to avoid being used, choose men who are intentional and emotionally mature. And if you need assistance on that, check out the link below to schedule a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. All right, I'm sure you have some questions. If you have some questions, please post a comment below. Please post a question. I do my best to respond to all of them. And what else can I say? Well, I think you get the gist of it. Have you felt used before and you want to avoid it? Then do these things. Be intentional and choose emotionally mature men. Okay, I'm going to wrap up this video as I always do. First off, giving myself a big gigantic Jotland Bear hug of self love. I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm going to ask you to turn to somebody and give them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love and we can all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch and wishing you a fabulous day. Bye-bye now.