 The Jack Benny program, presented by Lucky Strike. When you buy, keep your eye on the red bullseye. Keep your eye on the red bullseye. When you buy, keep your eye on Lucky Strike. L-S-M-F-T. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Lucky Strike presents The Man Who Knows. Mr. Furnie Simmons King, independent tobacco buyer of Lexington, Kentucky, has bought over 10 million pounds of tobacco in the last 36 years. Mr. King recently said, Season after season, I've seen the makers of Lucky Strike by real fine tobacco, ripe light tobacco that makes a swell smoke. At auction after auction, experts like Mr. King, men who really know tobacco, can see the makers of Lucky Strike consistently select and buy that fine, that light, that naturally mild tobacco. So, when you buy, keep your eye on the red bullseye. Keep your eye on the red bullseye. When you buy, keep your eye on Lucky Strike. And remember, L-S-M-F-T, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. So smoke that smoke of fine tobacco, Lucky Strike. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny, with Barry Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Dennis Day, and yours truly, Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, the past summer all over America, millions of people went on vacations. And for the first time in many years, Jack Benny, the star of our show, visited the garden spots of America. After finishing a successful radio season last June, he went directly to the beautiful Sun Valley Hotel in Sun Valley, Idaho. Oh, Clark! Clark! Yes, sir? My name is Sponsworth. My wife and I have reservations here starting today. Oh, just a second. Let me check that. Isn't this a beautiful hotel there? The nicest I've ever seen, darling. Oh, yes, here we are. Mr. and Mrs. Donald Farnsworth, you're in Suite 316. I'll have your bags taken care of. Oh, boy! Boy? Yes, sir. Take Mr. and Mrs. Farnsworth to Suite 316. Gee, the honeymoon suite. And boy? Yes, sir. This time, leave whether they tip you or not. Yes, sir. This way, please. After three glorious weeks in Sun Valley, Jack Benny next visited the world-famous Broadmoor Hotel in Colorado Springs. Goodness, Wilbur. The dining room is certainly crowded. I do hope we're fortunate enough to get a table. Well, all we can do is try, Genevieve. I'll talk to the head waiter. Oh, Captain. Oui, monsieur. I'd like a table for two. A-B-N. A table for two. I will talk to one of my waiters, see if we have one available. Oh, Pierre. Pierre. We want capital! Et va-nous un table pour deux? Genève pour quatre. Pour quoi pas? Il est trop pour cent, ici. Il est très crowded. I am so terribly sorry, monsieur, but no table for two are available. There will be a one-hour wait. One hour? Look, Captain, here's five dollars. Time she fly, doesn't it? Oh, Pierre, give this couple a nice table. We want capital! Tray bien! And remember, two and a half bucks of that is mine! What? The summer wore on, and it was with a heavy heart that Jack finally said farewell to the beautiful Broadmoor Hotel and spent the remainder of his vacation at the jewel of the Pacific, Catalina Island. Here comes the SS Catalina into dock. Yeah, it looks skinny. Look at all the tourists she's bringing in. Gosh, I hope there ain't no cheap skates on board. Yeah. Hey, look, they're starting to throw the coins already. Yeah, get ready to die. One of the ladies just threw a quarter. It's my turn, fellow. He goes first every time. And he can sure stay underwater a long time. You should have been here yesterday when a guy threw in a silver dollar. Did he stay under long? Twice he sent up for sandwiches. Well, just the bread. He caught his own sardines. Mop, he was covered with barnacles. Here he comes up now. Nah, that's only his hair. Make those glasses come up and then go. All good things must come to an end, and so did our heroes' travels. And now tonight, after a glorious vacation, we bring you the star of our show, Jack Benny. Well, again, this is Jack Benny talking. And, Don, even though you did exaggerate, I must say I had a wonderful summer. I'll bet you did, Jack. When did you get back from Catalina? Yesterday afternoon. You see, I... I... Oh, pardon me a minute. I have a little water in my ear. Well, Don, here we are back on the air again, and I haven't seen you since last June. What'd you do all summer? Oh, nothing much. I just cruised around on my yacht. And your what? And your what, Don? On my yacht. You, uh... You own a yacht? Oh, yes. Bought it just a few months ago. Don, you bought a yacht? On what I... On what I... I was lucky in the stock market. Oh, you must have been, Don. You must have been. So you spent most of your time on the yacht, eh? Where'd you go? Oh, I cruised up and down the coast, and then I took one trip into the Atlantic. Cruising the Atlantic? Yeah, that must have been nice. Oh, it was, but I had a little trouble getting through the Panama Canal. Don, is your yacht that big? Oh, the boat got through. I had trouble. Oh, I see. Well, Don, now that you're here... Jack, what? Ask me what I named my yacht, eh? What? Oh, all right, Don. What did you name your yacht? I call it the girdle. Good, good. Now, let's get on with the... Ask me, ask me why I called my yacht the girdle. Don, okay, why do you call your yacht the girdle? Because it takes a lot of little tugs to get her out of her slip. Don, freedom train. Control your caboose. Don, you should have saved that old joke for next Sunday, October 12th. Why? Because that's Columbus Day, and he was the first one to tell it. Don, I'm ashamed of you starting off a season by telling an awful joke. What's that? Stand aside, Jackson, it's me, Prince Charming. Well, all you ladies in the audience can sit down now. Bill, what kind of an entrance was that? Well, this is the first show, Jackson. You've got to come on big. Hair's ain't the modest type. I ain't no stinking violet. That's shrinking. But we'll leave it your way. Anyway, I'm glad to see you, Bill. Hello, Bill. Oh, hello, Donzie. Hey, guys, Jackson. I haven't seen you all summer. Come here, you pretty thing, you. Oh, you dumb. Let me slap you on the back. Bill, please. No, come here now. Come on. Thanks, Bill. You cleaned out my other ear. Holy smoke. Where'd you get all that water? It's nothing, nothing. By the way, Bill, you look awfully well. You must have taken pretty good care of yourself this summer. Yeah, I took it easy, Jackson. I loathed around home for a while, and then I had to go to Atlantic City for the bathing beauty contest. Oh, were you one of the judges? No, I was Miss Encino. Bill, how could you be Miss Encino? That's where I live. What? It was either me or Alice, and I was going east anyway. Well, better luck next year, Bill, but don't tell me that's all you did all summer. No, well, just before coming back to work, I thought I'd better get a little rest, so I spent three glorious weeks at the Frankfurt Distillery. Frankfurt Distillery? Yeah, what scenery? I can imagine. I sent you a postcard, Jackson, but the mailman drank it. That's what I like about you, Bill, entering a beauty contest, vacationing in a distillery. You and Duz will do anything. Only Duz does it with water. Pretty good, isn't it? Don't say, Bill, talking about jokes. Ask me the name of my yacht. Okay, Donzie, what's the name of your yacht? I call it the girdle because it takes a lot of... No, no, no, no, Donzie. No, no, not that oldy. Save it till next Sunday. Why? Because that's Columbus Day, and Columbus told it to Jackson. Oh, wait a minute. Look, fellas, we're starting a new season, so let's not start... Hooray! Hooray for the Yankees! Hooray for the New York Yankees! Dinner! Dennis, what are you so happy about? The Yankees lost today. I know, I bet on the Dodgers. Oh, oh, well, that's different. How much did you bet? $18 million. Dennis, are you crazy? How can you make a bet like that? $18 million. I couldn't resist. They gave me nine to five. Now, Dennis, I don't want all that silly talking here. Nine to five, $18 million. Anybody give you a bet like that must have two heads. Oh, you know them? Yes, yes, I know them. The three of us play pinocchio together. Now, come on, Dennis. As long as you're here, let's have your song. Okay, but wait till I say hello to Don. I haven't seen him for four months. Hello, Don. Hello, Dennis. Now, Mr. Benny. Dennis, aren't you going to say hello to Phil? Oh, I saw him in Atlantic City. Phil, roll down your pants legs. The contest is over. Miss Encino. Now, come on, come on, Dennis. Let's have your song. Okay. Wait a minute. Come in. Mr. Benny, as this is your opening broadcast, I came here to tell you... We cut you at rehearsal. Oh. Well, I should have told him. He bought a tuxedo and everything. What do you miss, Encino? I must tell you that your voice is better than ever. You know, Dennis, most singers have to study vocalized constantly and exercise their diaphragm to attain such rich, vibrant, tonal quality. What do you do? I gargle. Well, I guess that's good, too, you know? But your voice sounds... Jack, look, look, here comes Mary. Well, it's about time. Exception, Mary. Everybody's happy that you're back, you know? I'm happy, too. And, gee, it's good to see all you fellas again. I'm going to give each one of you a nice big kiss. Come on, Don. Right here, Mary. I am Livy. Make me forget about the salt. Come on, Livy. Make me forget about Miss Encino. How are you, Jack? Oh, Mary, not in front of all these people. Oh, come here. I'm going to kiss you. Oh, all right. I just brought back a little water from Catalina. Oh, Jack, you always have to bring home souvenirs. Last time, it was towel. Mary, when did you ever see me walk out of a hotel with a towel? The time your pants didn't come back and we had to catch a train. That was an emergency. I had to wear that towel. What are you laughing at? You made me call your mother so you wouldn't look silly. All right, all right. Mother war towels. Just until my pants came back. Anyway, Mary, I'm so glad to see you. I don't care what you say. I am, too, Mary, and you look absolutely gorgeous in that new dress. Well, thank you, Don. It is a lovely dress, Mary, but isn't unusual coming to a broadcast with a bare midriff? This isn't a bare midriff. Phil still has his arm around me. I thought it was kind of a funny place for a tattoo, U.S. Navy. Phil, put your coat on. Mary, are you going in for that new style? You know the long skirts that all the girls are wearing? Well, Don, I haven't made up my mind yet, but on some types, they do look very attractive. Well, maybe so, Mary, but I don't think I like them. And why'd you let the hem out of your nightgown? I didn't let the hem out. I added more lace. I can go along with a gag sister. Now, Mary, stop being silly. Yes, Livy. Refrain from that raucous injecture of extraneous spontaneity. Yeah, just be a little... Phil. Philzy. Would you mind saying that once more? Oh, no, you don't, Buster. If you want to hear it again, listen into the repeat show. I thought it was an accident. Any time you use words of more than one syllable... Entrez... Shut up! Come in. Telegram for Jack Benny. Oh, thanks. Thanks, boy. Here's a tip for you. Here. Thanks. Say, Jack, what kind of a tip was that? Yeah, you gave the boy a nickel and a copy of the Cosmopolitan magazine. Well, you see, there's a story about me in this month's Cosmopolitan. Well, what about the nickel? After he reads what they say about me, that nickel will look like a thousand dollars. Hey, Jackson, who's the wire from? I don't know. Read it, Mary. Okay. Oh, Jack, it's from Fred Allen. Tear it up. I will not. All right. Hee-hee-hee-hee. What does it say? Oh, he's glad. It says, dear Jack, I just read that you're going back on the air for lucky strike. What's lucky about it? Mary, let me ask you something. Do you think that wire was funny? Yes, Jack. I think anything Fred Allen's does is funny. Oh, you do, eh? I do, too, Jack. I thought you would. Now, look, fellas, we go through this every year. It's about time you admit it that I'm a much better comedian than Fred Allen. All right, Jackson. All right. This will make you happy. We'll admit it. You're the greatest comedian in radio. That settles it. I like Jack Parr. Dennis, we're not discussing Jack Parr. Although now that you brought up his name, I think Parr is a very clever fellow. He's bright, witty, and sophisticated. Now, let's... He's young, too. Well, that's right. He is young, but age means nothing in show business. After all, age is a funny thing. I don't know. I remember when I was eight, I wanted to be 18. When I was 18, I wanted to be 28. When I was 28, I wanted to be 38. And now that I'm 38, I don't know what I want to be. You've been there long enough to make up your mind. Yeah, I guess so. Anyway, I think that Jack Parr is... Hey, what's that? Who's that marching in here? Jack, look, it's your quartet. My quartet? Yeah, the sportsman. Well, what do you know? You mean they're going to be with me another year? How did that happen? Well, you signed them to a contract at Catalina with an underwater pen. Yes, they fooled me. They came down their dress as mermaid. Mermaid? Yeah, I like a fool wanted to marry one of them. I thought I'd save money on nylon. Oh, well, if I'd signed them, I guess I'm stuck with them, but they better watch themselves. That's all I got to say. Oh, what are you complaining about, Jack? They put a little life into the show, didn't they? Well, here in the studio, yes, but I wonder how the program is coming over to the listening audience. I'm going to call Rochester and find out. What is it, Gay Trude? It's flashing. Yeah, I wonder what grey nurse this is once now. Once I should get Rochester. Gee, Gay Trude, here it is, autumn already, and it seems like only yesterday that Mr. Benny went off the air. Yeah. This summer, when I went on my vacation to Catalina. You did? Yeah. And once I went out with him, but I left him after half hour. Why? How long can I stay underwater? I embarrassed. Who went over us with a glass? An idea for a quiz program. A quiz? Take it or drop it. Small business. I'll get him right now. Rochester, it's me. So what do you mean, answering the phone like that? Duffy's Tavern. One of your writers has got two shows. Not anymore, he hasn't. I've been trying to get you on the phone. What were you doing? I was listening to your program, boys. That's what I called you about. How's my program coming over? Well... Well, what? You want me to water it a little, but you take it straight. I'll take it straight. I've got the water. Now tell me, what do you think of the show? Well, it started out slow. Uh-huh. Then it sagged a little. Uh-huh. Then it speeded up. Well... Then it speeded up a lot. Good. Then it made a U-turn. A U-turn? Back to sag. Unless you've got a dynamite. Rochester, stop being silly. We'm on capitan. Cut a boo that out. And Rochester, my first program couldn't be as bad as you thought... Rochester, what was that? Mr. Coleman just threw his radio out. Threw his radio out the window? What are you laughing at? Every year, a little fiction, and we have another radio. Well, Rochester, I'm sure that the program couldn't be that bad. Anyway, I'll see you right after the show. Okay. By the way, Rochester, what are we having for dinner tonight? Food, you're working again. When you buy, keep your eye on the Red Bull's eye. Keep your eye on the Red Bull's eye. Keep your eye on Lucky Strike. L-S-M-F-T. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco, and fine tobacco is what counts in a cigarette. Lucky Strike presents The Man Who Knows. Mr. Joe Burnett, ace tobacco auctioneer of Buffalo Springs, Virginia. Recently, he said, Year after year, I've seen the makers of Lucky Strike by a fine, light, fragrant tobacco that makes a grand smoke. And that's not all, or as Mr. Burnett also said. I've smoked Lucky's myself for 16 years. And as Lucky Strike smokers say... That's my kind of a cigarette. Real smooth smoking. So when you buy, keep your eye on the Red Bull's eye. Keep your eye on Lucky Strike. And remember... L-S-M-F-T. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. So smoke that smoke of fine tobacco. Lucky Strike. So round, so firm, so fully packed. So free and easy on the draw. Yes, when you buy, keep your eye on the Red Bull's eye. Keep your eye on Lucky Strike. Good night, folks. See you next Sunday. This is NBC, the national broadcasting company.