 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley of johnathanasley.com and I'm so excited to be shooting this live stream for you today. Our topic, the Four Easy Habits. What is it, the Four Easy Habits that make you instantly attractive to a man? Attractive to a man instantly? All right, really quickly, if you're new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new content. And also, if any time during this video, the content here resonates with you, please hit that like button so I know that this is resonating with you. All right, we're just gonna jump right into the topic. For those that are actually listening to the recording, I want you to know that I'm gonna do the content first, then it goes into the Q and A. So for those that ask a question, give me a chance to get through the content first and then post your questions in the chat box, okay? And please let me know you're here. All right, we're gonna talk about what simple things you can do to instantly create attraction with a man. And here's the thing I find in the dating realm. And for those of you who don't know this, I'm a dating relationship coach for women, specializing in midlife. And I say midlife is after baby making years and before retirement. So my average audience, we're between the ages of 42 and 69. Although I'm grateful a lot of 20 and 30 year olds are reaching out to me for advice. And why I'm so happy about that is because if we can start this conversation much earlier in life, you won't have to end up like the majority of divorced people who are 45. By the way, 75% of singles looking for love out in the dating realm are divorced. So love to get this content into the eyes and ears of younger people, whether it's men or women, okay? And for those listening, I do tend to focus more on helping women understand men. My website is called Understand Men Now. However, I want to say that this advice goes both ways. So what I'm about to share that can be very attractive to men is also very, very active to women, or excuse me, women are attracted to men in the same light. So let's just jump right into it. So one of the simple things you can do to share experience in the dating realm is to be what I call playful and flirty, playful and flirty. Now why I'm bringing this up is sadly, I see this in the dating realm especially as a man out in the dating realm. I see very weak skills in the area of being playful and being flirty. And that includes flirty text messages, that includes flirty talking, that includes just playfulness, that fun energetic playfulness. And I believe part of the reason for that is, by the way, if you're not familiar with my podcast, I have a podcast called the What Would Love Do podcast where we explore life, love, and the pursuit of inner peace through the eyes of love. And during the podcast, I shared that the number one emotional health issue facing everybody, or most everybody, is I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable, I'm not likable. And why I brought up, okay, so now let me bring back what I brought up about dating triggers the number one emotional health issue because if you've had experience after experience after experience after experience, when I mean date after date after date, multiple, multiple, multiple dates that don't go anywhere or short lived relationships that don't go anywhere or a relationship that doesn't go anywhere or worse, it has some sort of emotional effect on your life. This can wear on our self-confidence, our self-esteem, our self-worth. And so being more strategic when it comes to dating, being more intentional helps eliminate a lot of bad experiences by being more aware of the process. So why I'm sharing this in relationship to this playfulness and flirty is because what I've witnessed as a man looking at women from a dating perspective is so few women have really good flirty, playful skills. In fact, it amazes me how many women are put out such poor week effort. Now, let me stop right there. Men are equally bad at the process, men are equally bad at being flirty, men are equally bad at being playful. Now, we are always attracted to those people, especially women are attracted to men who are charismatic and charming and are very strategic with their words and those men can be very intoxicating. And the same holds true for women, those ones who can be flirty, that can be vivacious, that can be energetic. And I can tell you, I go through the dating apps and I swipe all day long and the effort put by women, by the way, I'm not discounting the experience women have about men, but the women put out very poor and weak effort, a significant number of women put out weak and poor effort. This is why for those of you that follow my work, I did a video on this, how can you be flirty from the very beginning? And I have an acronym I teach everyone called NICE. N-I-C-E, nice. And N stands for name. When you express someone's name, you actually light them up. You get them in, you kind of charge their batteries. Now, some people when they hear their name, they think back to childhood trauma when our parents said, Jonathan, you know, and it was a yelling tone. When I'm talking about coming at it from a soft energetic tone, and this can even be included in a text message. So start with someone's name. Now, the second thing you want to do, the I in NICE is being inquisitive, being inquisitive, ask questions. Do you know, asking questions is how we get to know someone deeper. And when you ask a question, you go beyond the surface of, how's your day going? Well, how's your day going? Is your day going good? I hope you're doing good. Hi, you know, let's go deeper than that. First off, if this is resonating with you, please hit that like button so more people can get to see this because when you hit the like, this actually gets shown on the U2 algorithm. So please let me know if this is resonating with you. All right, the C in NICE stands for compliment, compliment. You know, here's the thing and I've said this in past live streams, you know, women get complimented all day long. What a cute pair of shoes. Oh my God, I love your outfit. Oh, what'd you do to your hair? Do you have new hair color today? Men get about this many compliments in a day. So when you actually compliment a man, he feels good about himself. So these are just little things within, you can do some easy habits, you can shift. And lastly, the E in NICE stands for energy, energy, enthusiasm. And the best way to create enthusiasm is you can simply put an emoji at the end of a sentence if you're texting someone or just use your tone of voice to create enthusiasm because it is using their name, being inquisitive, compliment, enthusiasm gets people up, whether it's a man or woman. As a man, I do this with women and my hope is women do the same for men. So the first easy habit you can change is playful and flirty. Now the second easy habit is to be sexy, to be sexy. You know, let me go back to the dating apps. You know, and I don't mean sexy in the sense of slutty. Just like women like a well-dressed man, a woman who's polished, who's sharp, who's got a little bit shorter skirt than something down to the ground or an evening gown kind of thing. I'm not saying right up to your waist kind of short. I'm just saying something a little sexy could be the outfit, it could be your hair, it could be your lipstick, it could be your eyes, just doing things to create sexiness. You know, I'm gonna go on my dating app right now, Bumble. And just out of curiosity, I wanna see, I'm gonna look at some pictures. You know, I mean, the pictures I'm seeing, they're out of focus, and I'm using dating apps as an example, but it's pictures of the sushi plate they ate the night before and out of focus shots and someone riding a horse and you can see them 42 miles away. I mean, that doesn't create a sexy energy. I will tell you that women that put quality photographs actually even hiring a professional get 10 times greater results. And this holds true in the dating realm. Just being a little, like I said, playful, flirty and now a little sexy, you know, makes a big difference. And by the way, ladies, you like it when men are the same way. It's just we terminate, we tend to focus as women being feminine and men being masculine, but it all falls down to being, you know, happy in your own skin and showing it off. That's what's sexy. Sexy is happy in your own skin and showing it off. Okay, now consider a little bit more deeper in the relationship. It could be after the third date, after the 10th date. You've gotten a little more deeply involved in the relationship. Number three is an easy habit that many of you can do and it is such a turn on to men, but we men actually like women who are nurturers that actually do care about thinking ahead of us. So we all have heard that men are provider protectors and women are nurturers. And I want to tell you the story about a woman. This was a woman through a friend of mine. He had met a woman through their jogging class. I think they were in a triathlete group, if you will. And they'd been dating for a couple of years. And then he actually got, I don't think he got the West Nile virus, but he got something like that. And she literally had to take care of him for almost six months. I mean, he was debilitated and this is a successful doctor who was very, they were both triathletes. They were both very macho in their physical sense. And she totally took care of him. And he was on the fence in the relationship. And this is a man in his fifties. He was on the fence in the relationship before this happened. It was through her nurturing, her taking care of him, not from an enabling perspective, because he was debilitated, but from a loving, kind, compassionate, loving perspective. He actually, after that, asked her to marry him because he saw the value in her. Because he looked beyond his egoic self because most of us operate from an egoic perspective. And he stepped into his heart-centered space and said, you know what? This is a fantastic woman. And he said, I appreciate her. And so men who are emotionally mature, men who are not stuck in their ego actually appreciate nurturing behavior. Now I will tell you men who are control freaks, men who have mommy issues, men who have avoidant personalities, they actually repel nurturing because they feel like that's controlling behavior. But ultimately, do you wanna be with those men who don't appreciate and don't value that side of a woman or a man being nurtured? Because being a protector is another form of nurturing. When a man actually says, I'm looking out for my partner's best interest in a safety perspective, that's just the other side of the coin to nurturing. And so as I said before, whether you're a man or woman, it's stepping into these easy habits. They're very easy to step into. You just have to choose to want to. And the fourth easy habit. I say the word easy, but this is the hardest one for most of you is a sense of independence. There's a sense of independence. There's something very sexy about a woman who's independent, independent in her life. In other words, and what I mean by independent, she doesn't depend on the man for her happiness. She hasn't, she's happy in her own sovereignty that she can lean into this. I don't, so a lot of women, a lot of women and men too operate from the premise, I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. I'm gonna repeat that. I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. This is the way a lot of women operate. And independence says, I am sovereign in myself. I am sovereign in myself. I don't need you to love me for me to feel good about myself. I want to be a loving partner and I want to be with a man who's a loving partner. Is this resonating? If it's sinking in, please hit that like button so I know that this is sinking in. If this is even working for you, please hit that like button. I wanna know about it. So I'll repeat this a little bit later, but I just wanna remind everyone. Playful, flirty, sexy, nurturing and independent. Playful and flirty go hand in hand. It's playful, sexy, nurturing and independent. And these are simple things you can do to shift the energy in your relationship. And by the way, ladies, don't accept anything less from a guy, okay? Whatever you give, if you give this, then you should also be, I don't wanna say expect to receive it. If you're not receiving the same energy back, if you're putting energy in the relationship, then a man must be doing the same thing. Otherwise, it's a misaligned relationship or it's an off balance relationship. And off balance relationships oftentimes have problems. The best relationships are relationships where two people are traveling on the same road at the same speed and saying, okay, when are we gonna get in each other's car? Which means basically, when are we gonna lean into partnership? All right, I think this would be a great time to start the Q and A. I'm gonna take off my shoes because my feet are getting hot. Before I do really quickly, I'm gonna read a movie trivia question. And then, oh, by the way, if you have a question for me, write the word question and then post your question. Write the word question and then post the question because now is the Q and A time. But before we start it, let's ask a question. Let's do a movie trivia. Okay, here's a good one. What was the second film to co-star Julia Roberts and Richard Gere? What was the second film to star Julia Roberts and Richard Gere? And let me give you a hint. It wasn't Pretty Woman. So let's see who can get that right. Now let's go to the board and see who's here. Anita, Amy, Ruby, Cherry, Diana, I'm amazing. Paula. Paula, I agree, loving is important, exactly. Elmediv Medville says, I'm reading your book, The Self-Love Book. Yes, thank you. By the way, every book is my book called What the Heck Is Self-Love Anyway. There's a matter of fact, I'll put a link right here in the super chat. And this is all my recommended books. If you watch my videos regularly, you know I talk about a variety of different books. This is my book called What the Heck Is Self-Love. Anyway, in fact, after I do this live stream, I've been invited to join a book club because my book is their book of the month and I'm really excited about that. So that's my book. Thank you for bringing that up. Paula says, although some people have difficult accepting compliments, yes. So men and women, it's interesting. Most humans have a difficult time receiving and compliments being one of them. Men are women of light. They actually have a difficult time receiving. In fact, some people are more focused on giving because they have a hard time receiving. Let me tell you something though. The best relationships are with two givers and two receivers. Okay, all right, let's do it like this. Two givers and two receivers. People who can't receive each other's love, if they have a hard time receiving a compliment, that can be problematic in a relationship because what that means is they have a hard time receiving and that means they want to always be in control because receiving can put someone in a very vulnerable place. It takes practice to learn how to receive. So simply when this, I had this, I did a Amazon live stream yesterday and I demonstrated this with the host, who is a woman and I complimented her and she had a hard time receiving and I simply, all you have to simply say is thank you because the reason why a lot of people have a hard time receiving goes back to that number one emotional health issue I said, faces almost everyone, is I'm not good enough. In fact, for those who follow me, here let me, oh, hold on a second. So I want everyone to look at my bracelet. What does it say? I'm enough. This is the bracelet I wear. It was upside down, that's why I had to turn around. I'm enough. This is a reminder that I am enough. I am good enough and I want to invite everybody to lean into that, lean into you are good enough because it is a lack of value that causes many people, many women alike to actually sabotage relationships. Let me repeat that. It's a lack of inner value. Now, some people go to the extreme and they value themselves too much. I would say roughly one third of the dating population overvalues themselves. They just think their shit doesn't stink. They just think that they deserve the best. They deserve someone much greater than themselves. That's about a third. This is anecdotal on my part. Then I think there's another percentage of the population that sadly have lacked self-worth, self-confidence, self-esteem, and they go the other end and they act like doormats in relationship. They accept bad behavior. In fact, I was working with a young woman today who's in a relationship with a man who says, and I quote, I'm not looking for anything serious. I'm not looking for anything serious with you, but I would love to still have sex. He didn't say these words, but literally his actions are, I'd really just like to use your body for as long as I can until I decide I don't watch anymore. Ladies, when a man says he doesn't want a serious relationship with you, believe him or when he says he doesn't want a serious relationship, believe him. And so stepping into your sovereignty if you're acting like a doormat, and sadly, I see too many women do this. Because the third woman I describe is that secure, confident woman who has a good sense of balance from, not from entitlement, but from a sense of I'm worthy and not to break a boundary. Sadly, I see too many women, they compromise themselves like this one woman I was speaking to, she doesn't set a healthy boundary because she didn't set healthy standards for herself. And I'm here to encourage everyone to lean into your standards. Lean into your standards because being a doormat, allowing a man to be in charge of the relationship means you're giving your destiny away to another person. And let me tell you something, men aren't necessarily better at that just because maybe some perceived high value guy because he makes a lot of money might seem attractive, doesn't mean he's any better capable of being in a relationship with someone who makes 25,000 a year, who's an artist. What's most important is their character, their heart. This is why I'm such a big proponent of reading this book. The Four Agreements. The Four Agreements. Does anyone know what the Four Agreements are? Have you read this book? Please let me know. By the way, did anyone answer the trivia question? All right, let's go on. So I hope I answered your question, Paula, about compliments. Oops, so if you have a question, post the word. Oh, there we go, there's some. Yes, Lori, it is runaway bride. Lisa, it is runaway bride, correct. Okay, Anita writes, what if a man tells you specifically what would make you more attractive to him? How do you respond to that? Well, you know what's interesting? I'm gonna give you some, I wanna give you an example of something that I do and then I'll go back to respond to this. So ladies, I am allergic to perfume. I'm allergic to perfume. Perfume makes me very uncomfortable. And so I actually share this with someone before a first date to let them know I'm allergic to perfume because I don't like it when some women wear a ton of perfume. It masks their natural pheromones for me. So I'm just very forthright. Now it's up to them if they decide to put on but I share what is attractive to me. And it actually lets me know if they're paying attention or they actually care because some people say, well, fuck him, you know, I like wearing my perfume and I'm gonna wear it because it matters to me. I'm saying it actually bothers me and it tells me if someone's actually listening if they actually would be accommodating for me because not to suggest that someone has to compromise who they are for a first date, but it's just being transparent. This is something that makes me uncomfortable and it actually makes you like you less, not like you less, but be less attractive. Now, I'm not like every other man in this particular case. I have a sensitivity to perfume. I don't know if that's unique or that's common but that's the case. My point is is that I shared it. So in the case of a man saying, what if a man tells you specifically what would make you more attractive to him, just like I did that, the question is to respond, are you gonna respond from your ego or are you gonna respond from your heart? Now, ego says it's about me and I'm right. The heart is about, it's about we, not me. We and a we is a you and a me and then there's a we. So you have to look at it from the perspective, is it about you and do you have to be right? Because if someone expresses something you don't like, doesn't necessarily mean that makes that person a bad person, it just means you're different. In fact, one of the challenges in most relationships are our differences and how we resolve our differences makes a big difference. This is why I'm such a big proponent of everyone reading the book, nonviolent communication by Marshall Rosenberg, nonviolent communication by Marshall Rosenberg. Why? Because this teaches us how to have healthy communication with one another. Because most of the time the issue isn't what is said, it's how you say it that matters. And by the way, I know some people complain about that I recommend books over and over again. I recommend the same books over and over again because if you have these five, six, seven books in your library, it will change your life. I'm asking for one out 15 minutes a day of reading for a few months to change your life. Can people do that? Is that doable? Please hit that like button if it's doable. All right. Thank you, Anita for your question. CEO of my life, I thank you for the hearts. Lynette says, I have to learn to love myself. Yes. Okay. The Mrs. says, does love you have a different meaning than I love you? When a man says it, asking your opinion. Okay, I just talked about this in a previous podcast or a YouTube live. So I have an opinion between love you. I love you and I'm in love with you. Okay. I love you or love you. I'm in love with you or I love you and I'm in love with you. So let me just show you a couple of pictures here. This is a picture of my mom and dad. This is a picture of my kids. Okay. I would tell them I love them. Right. I'm gonna tell them I love them. Which that means I care deeply for you matter in my life. Okay. We're important to each other. That's what I love you means to me. Okay. Love you is something I say to, like I have a female friends and I might say goodbye saying, I love you simply means I care about you. When someone says I'm in love with you to me, again to me, Jonathan Asley, this is the world according to Jonathan Asley. I'm not saying what I'm saying is right. I'm just offering a perspective. You have to decide if it's right for you. I'm in love with you means the following. I'm here. You matter. We are important. I've got your back. I'm not going anywhere and I only want you. All right. I only want you to, because that's the real essence of it is I only want you. That's saying I'm in love with you. And what I mean by is I'm here. I'm present. I'm not thinking about the past. I'm not thinking about the future. I'm present to right now. You matter. My gosh. You know, it's so saddens me. How many people are in casual relationships today that use the words I love you and yet they don't treat, they're more focused on their own needs and not their partner's needs. When you tell someone they matter, you're saying your needs matter to me. We are important. So I said earlier, there's a you, there's a me and then there's a collective we. A relationship is a separate entity. So I said, going back to your independence, it's both being independent, being your sovereignty and recognizing you're part of a we. I'm here, you matter, we're important. I've got your back saying, look, I'm gonna be there for you. Just like, that's what nurturing is all about, saying I've got your back. I'm not going anywhere says I'm committed to the relationship. I've got roots in this relationship and I only want you as the difference between when I say I love you to my mom and dad or my kids or my friends to someone who's romantic. And that to me is the difference. And here's the thing. People say the words I love you simply mean I care about you, okay? And a lot of people can care about you but doesn't mean they're in your corner, okay? A lot of people can say they care about you but doesn't mean in your corner. What makes the difference is says, I've got your back, I'm not going anywhere and I only want you. All right, my coffee mug says, I don't wanna work anymore. I wanna be cherished, put up on a pedestal and taken care of. This was a gift from an ex-girlfriend. I thought it was kind of cute, I still dig it. I don't subscribe to that premises to myself because to me we're both on the pedestal at the same level. I don't wanna be above someone and I don't want someone to be below me. Sadly, a lot of dating advice is predicated on the one up, one down type relationships. And what that means is the man is on top and the woman is subservient. I've been watching a lot of dating advice right now that bothers me like nobody's business because it is teaching subservientness to women. Ladies, you worked very hard in the 60s or actually prior to the 60s back in the 20s to get the vote and then you worked harder in the 60s to get a level of equality in the workforce. And in your love life, please do not compromise yourself into a lot of this misogynistic patriarchal bullshit out there that is trying to make women subservient. Now, I will say that there are that entitled type of woman that is reaching for a lot more than she can most likely attract in life. But I'm here to say, don't ever, at least in my world, seek a relationship where you can co-create a relationship together. I'm a big proponent of the book. Where is it? It's right here. Read this book. It's called Spiritual Partnership by Gary Zukov. Spiritual Partnership by Gary Zukov. I love this book because it's this book along with, if the Buddha dated because it takes out the gender expectations and says, how can we co-create a juicy, delicious, healthy relationship with one another where we're both happy and excited and we're there for one another from a loving, supporting place? If this resonates with you, please hit that like button, let me know. All right, let's look at some more questions. I hope I answered your question, the Mrs. Okay. Shannon writes, do men want to hear about your grown children? Do men want to hear about your grown children? By the way, Rebecca, thank you for the bracelet comment. So depending on where a man is in his life, the thing is in the early stage of the dating, it's most important to connect with each other, to connect with each other. Because the reality is is children are, if it's not your own children, they were beget by someone else, it may feel to some men, not all men, like a dependency or a burden. I'm not saying that's what it is, I'm saying to some men, it may feel that way. So what's most important is establishing the relationship with yourself and you can talk about your kids. I'm a big proponent of talking about kids, but it probably should only represent 5% of the conversation in the very early stages. Yet sadly, I see so many women, they're incessantly talking about their children and the man thinks there's no space for him. I see this a lot. Men do this, some men do this too, but most men don't, but some men do, they're incessantly talking about their children. And a lot of those cases, the men who have daughters, oh my God, can be a nightmare for some of you because the daughters has the deciding factor on the relationship instead of him. I'm not saying that's a truth, I'm just saying that sometimes. So I like to think in the beginning stages, very little bit of conversation about children until the relationship progresses a little bit further. That's just one suggestion, you take it for what it's worth. By the way, this is Coffee Not Booze, happy hour starts for me in 20 minutes. All right, Lisa says, I finally hit the live, yay. Paula writes, I love your book using some of it, thank you so much. I'm enough, thank you. Is written in red lipstick on my bathroom mirror, I love that, Gisela writes, question. I'm on the point of introducing my kids to him, should I invite or ask him what he thinks about it? We've been dating for nine months. Well, I think children should have been introduced way earlier than nine months, but that's okay. So what do I think about it? Absolutely, your children are part of your life. And so having them, look at, I'm a big proponent, two people have dated for three months and they've established that they're boyfriend and girlfriend, then introducing your family and friends are an important part of the building process to a relationship, to build the roots to trust, introducing each other to your family and friends is an important component to this. So yes, I'm a big proponent of introducing your family and friends relatively early on, friends within the first month or two, and certainly family within a month or two after that. I'm a big proponent of that. Doesn't have to be right away. It can be, it doesn't have to be. You just have to be both comfortable with it. Is this sinking in? Please let me know by hitting that like button. By the way, if you like the books I recommend, I'm gonna post Jonathan recommends books right here in the chat. Patricia writes, truth is sexy. All right, also if you'd like to buy a super chat or a super sticker to ask a question, you can do that as well. Tracy writes, over 50 and together one and a half years met family and friends, traveled together, but he is moving things forward slow. Is this common for emotionally healthy men over 50? So I guess the question is, what does moving slow mean to you? Now, I'm a big proponent of people that do shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, sexual intimacy, emotional intimacy that leads to some level of partnership. So I guess the question is, do you want partnership and what does that look like for you? Now, I wanna share a little story. This is I've shared on a couple of live streams before, but I get this phone call from a brand new client some years ago and she goes, Jonathan, I'm in relationship with a guy and I want more commitment. I'm like, great, what does that look like for you? But Jonathan, I just want more commitment from him. I'm like, great, what does that look like for you? But Jonathan, I just want more commitment from him. I'm like, great, what does that look like for you? But Jonathan, I just want more commitment from him. Ladies yelling, you want something more is not just yelling of it doesn't change what it is. You have to describe what it is you want more of. Because if you can't explain it, what I said to her is if you can't explain it to me, how can he know what you, how can he know what you want? So first decide what it is the more looks like and then you make a request. If you're not familiar with John Gottman's work, do me a favor, check out the book, Eight Dates by Dr. John and Julie Gottman. Eight Dates by Dr. John and Julie Gottman. Well, I love this book is that it leans into, it leans into talking about making bids for love or requests for love. So you simply make a request. What I'd like more is that we spend an extra day a week together. What I'd like more is that we could talk right before we go to bed together. Whatever that bid or request is, make a request, not a demand or request, and see if they want to do the same. That's how healthy relationships work by making requests for one another. Is this sinking in? Please let me know by hitting that like button. All right, I hope that answers your question. Terry or Tracy, excuse me. All right, Shannon writes, does it help a relationship to envision meaningful endeavors to do together early on? Real stuff, not just the fun stuff or is this too intense? Oh my God, Shannon, I love, love, love this. If you wanna do something intense, buy two copies of this book, buy two copies of this book and read it together. Now, I'm saying intense. I'm saying meaning, okay, let me scratch the word intense. If you wanna have meaningful endeavors with a guy, read this book together. Here's the thing, ladies. Commitment, okay, so there's two, by the way, write this, I want you to Google the definition of commitment. Google the definition of commitment. The definition says first definition of commitment is endeavoring to have a common cause. It's basically having a common cause to go after. That's what the first definition of commitment. The second definition of commitment is restriction from freedom. So let me give you an example of common cause and freedom. The most common cause in relationship is making babies and raising a family. That's the most common cause. Might include buying property together. That's another common cause. Those are the two strongest, most common rooted causes, okay? Restriction of freedom looks like this. It's Sunday night, excuse me, it's Saturday morning, you went out Friday night, you're hungover, and you have to go to a friend's kid's birthday party. And you made a commitment, okay? You don't want to go, okay, but you made a commitment. That's an example of restriction of freedom because your heart says, I just wanna stay home and veg because I'm hungover, but you made a commitment, okay? And those are people that are integrity. Now, you can also honor yourself saying, I'm not feeling well, but that's just the definition of restriction of freedom versus a common cause. And the hard part for those of us in midlife is we don't know what our common causes are. What's our common thing? So having meaningful conversation is how you build a common cause with one another instead of how's it going? How's your day going? I hope your day is going good. And ladies, you've bought into this narrative that men are supposed to be chivalrous and claim you and that's all you have to do is sit back and you're feminine and wait for them to do all the work. Well, ladies, if that was working so well, you wouldn't be listening to this channel. If that advice works so well. You really wanna change the narrative, ladies. Buy this book before the penis ever goes inside the vagina and buy another copy for him and read this together. Then you can know whether or not he's sincere or just out for fun. Okay, I yell sometimes because just like a child about to touch fire, I'm yelling so you don't touch fire. You got it? You know, I need everyone to understand something. I wish I could be in each one of your homes before you go out on a first date with a guy and I'm your big brother, okay? Man comes to the door and he wants to ask my little sister out on a date. Now I'm holding a shotgun, okay? And I'm pointing at him and saying, what is your intentions with my sister? And my point in saying this is I am tired of the men who are not intentional in the dating process and I was that guy. I was ambivalent, clueless, alcoholic, drunk, cocaine, using person that was only in it for himself a decade and a half ago. And it took actually being humbled many times before I grew up. And sadly, I'm here to protect you. I say sadly because I don't want, you know, well, I want to do this because I love doing it but I wish you didn't need this is what I'm saying is I wish I could be at that front door to spook a guy to decide, are you just in it for yourself or are you gonna care about my sister? Because if you're gonna care about my, if you fuck up with my sister I'm gonna shoot you with this shotgun. I would like to put the fear of death in most men on your behalf. I seriously mean that. And I want to put the fear of death in you to say, stand up into your power and stop being doormats to men and stop being entitled when it comes to men because the healthy relationships as I said in the book, the Buddha dated is it's a spiritual relationship from the heart and not based on gender. And it's not based on the masculine and feminine because I'm, okay, I know some of you have complained to me about my narratives on masculine and feminine energy and let me tell you why I don't like it so much because the vice is bad because what it says is when a woman is in her masculine it's bad behavior. What you then saying is masculine behavior is just bad. That's not true. Masculine is simply giving and feminine is simply receiving. So that's all that means when a woman is controlling, patronizing, criticizing that's not masculine behavior. That's called bad behavior because if a man is doing all those things, would you accept it? Fuck no. So why are we characterizing it as masculine? And if a guy is kind, compassionate, loving does that make him feminine? No, it just makes him kind, compassionate, loving but we call that feminine energy, which is bullshit. So let's stop with these narratives and start treating each other from a heart center place. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know by hitting that like button. All right, let me go back and ask a question. By the way, if you do want to ask a question you can use the super chat so I can see it much easier. Okay, it's five o'clock in Sarah Toth's. Okay, hold on. Cam wrote a lot, I retracted it. Okay, Sarah T, something, Sarah 28. Question, how do you know when it's time to let go of someone you love, excluding obvious deal breakers, example, abuse of any kind? Well, abuse of it, if you're excluding abuse of any kind, well, abuse of any kind is a deal breaker in me. You know, here's the thing. How do you know when it's the right time to let go? I think, or you know, it's fascinating to me. I've interviewed so many women who have called me saying, Jonathan, my boyfriend just broke up with me and I want him back. I get a lot of those types of calls for help. And when I ask him about the relationship, I'm finding that there's problem, problem, problem. And my first question is, when did you notice all of these problems in the relationship? And so many of them say, well, I noticed it on the first, second, or third date but I went against my better judgment. Ladies, a lot of times our intuition is screaming at us on our first, second, or third dates to not accept certain or bad behavior. And I'm here to say is your heart actually knows, your intuition knows. A lot of people think it's the other way around. Our heart actually knows when it's to leave. It's our head that gets in our way. Our head is our egoic self, our righteous, controlling self that gets in the way. It's not our heart, it's our head. Our heart knows exactly when to leave a relationship. It's we just don't listen to our heart because it's like the devil on here and the angel here. You ever see those movies with the devil on one side? They're talking in here. The devil is our ego, the head and our heart is the angel. Start listening to the angel because it's telling you all the time because your feelings are your barometer. And if you're not feeling happy in the relationship, one of two things are going on. Either he's not right for you or you're not right to be in relationship. Whoa, what did you just say, Jonathan? What? There's two reasons. Yeah, when you're not feeling happy in a relationship, either he's not the right relationship for you or you're not the right person to be in relationship at this time because it doesn't matter about him, it matters about you. So my invitation is start leaning into doing all this work, reading the books I recommend. Because like this book, you have a choice. I always talk about the line from the movie. Tell me what movies this is from. Get busy living or get busy dying? Can someone figure out what movies that are from? Get busy living or get busy dying? Because it's the same as this. Shut up, stop whining and get a life. You have a choice. You can stay in a bad relationship and unhappy relationship. Or now, if you have obligations in children, I do recommend working things or trying to work things out if you can possibly. Certainly seeking therapy with your partner is a good thing. But if you've exhausted every avenue for this relationship to be happy, then what's most important is your sovereignty. Not them, what's most important is you. Is this sinking in? Please let me know. All right. Oh, by the way, I'm gonna repeat the four easy habits if you just joined us that make you instantly attractive. Number one is being playful and flirty. Number two is being sexy. Number three is being nurturing. And number four is being independent. If you wanna go back to listen to the beginning, I share it all there. All right, let's answer some more questions. Hi, Lorna from Virginia. Okay, Gisela says, thank you very much. I appreciate it, very welcome. Joy, hey, good to see you, Joy. Question, though I've forgiven him, I don't want anything to do with my ex. His girls want to stay in touch with me. They consider me their second mom. In reality, is it healthy for us to do that? That's a great question. And this is tricky because if you've established a relationship with someone's children, it can be very traumatic to everybody involved when there's a separation in a relationship, whether it's a divorce or it's two people that merge their lives together and then separate. You know, that's a tough one. I always operate from the place of what's best for the children, not what's best for me, what's best for the children. So my invitation for you, Joy, even though the children want to communicate with you, is that the right thing to do? Sink into your heart, lean into that. Certainly you may want, I know you don't want to talk to this. When you say ex, do you mean ex-husband or ex-boyfriend? That's, maybe I'm a little bit confused. Oh, his girl, so it must be ex-boyfriend. I think it's important to have a chat about that because that is his children. And if you don't, then that's a tough one. I don't know how to respond to that one. Others say do what's right for the children, okay? All right, Sarah, 28 writes, you welcome, okay, he says, you welcome meeting family and friends and don't get along with them. How do you deal with that? Oh, this is a great one. So you know, here's one of the, you know, it's interesting at midlife. For those of us who grew up during the Brady Bunch era, it was very, you know, it's interesting and innocent how a widower, I think one of them was a widower, the Mike Brady was a widower. We find out later Carol Brady wasn't a widower. I think in the beginning we thought she was. Each had three children and then somehow they blended lives together. And it was just so easy. They just knapsack races and they played music together and they, you know, they had fun together. It was just so easy. Well, that's fucking bullshit because that's not the reality of life today. Children can be a huge problem in relationship. Does it have to be? No, but it is, okay? Because of personalities and certainly the poisoning of X. So an X can poison your children to make you not like another person. This is a problematic thing. I'm a believer that what's most important is two emotional grownups get together on that ride. If two emotional grownups can talk about the challenges in relationship, then they can resolve anything. It requires being a grownup. And what being a grownup means is learning how to do something I call fighting fair, fighting fair. And what fighting fair simply means is it's not about being right, it's about being happy. So what that looks like is I listen to your point of view and I accept your point of view of being true for you. The flip side of that is you listen to my point of view and you accept my point of view as being right for me. That's what fighting fair looks like. It's about coming to resolution. And in these particular cases, you talk to one another to find resolution. Otherwise, it's going to be problematic. And quite frankly, those relationships come with so much drama, so much drama. And quite frankly, when people put on their dating profiles, I don't like drama, that's an example of it. So I hope this is sinking in. All right. Italia says, I'm the same way, Jonathan. I'm Italian and I yell, think I'm yelling, which is okay, thank you, yes. All right, yes, someone you got to write, Shawshank Redemption, get busy living, get busy dying. Musical folks were the Partridge family. No, well, Paula, that is true. That was one family, but the Brady Bunch did do musicals together. In fact, they did many of them together. Member Greg played the guitar and tried to be Johnny Bravo and stuff like that. So yes, the Brady Bunch did the same as well. Fuck the drama too. Thank you, yes, Rebecca. All right, we're going to wrap up this live stream in just a few minutes. If you do have a question, please post the word question and then write it so I know what you have. What else can we talk about? Well, I'm going to end on this note, okay? Here's the thing, dating isn't easy. There's nothing easy about it. It's complicated. We didn't, you know, for those of us that grew up in the baby boom or Gen X period, we didn't grow up with computers. We didn't grow up with these smartphones. It's a whole different world for us. We remember a time when we met organically. We remember a time when we used to go outside and play and I don't mean because of the pandemic. I mean, as children, we went outside to play. We didn't have to be driven to play dates and things, okay? Our generation is used to something different and we weren't prepared for this multiple, multiple, multiple dating experience. We weren't prepared for it and this can wear on us emotionally. This is why I'm such a big proponent of reading the books I recommend, reading all of the books I recommend. In fact, my favorite book is The Untamed by Michael Singer. This is a great book to learn how to talk to the voices in your head and I want to encourage everyone to step into their power, to step into their sovereignty, to step into my book, What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway. By the way, thank you all for purchasing my book. I appreciate all the recommendations that you've posted on Amazon and by the way, the audible version is coming out really soon. All right, let's see, we've got one more question we're gonna answer from Raquel. What is your take on the possibility of developing a relationship when it started as just sex? Okay. So it started just as sex. I wonder what that means. In other words, did you just meet and had sex? Was this a French person you dated? By the way, in France, I talked to a woman in France says sex on the first date is expected. Men expect sex on the first date and women understand this. That's what I was told by a woman in France. Here's my feeling. Okay, I'm gonna share a story. See if this resonates with you. I'll never forget. It's actually one of my first real girlfriend after my divorce. We met on a first date. Her first words out of her mouth were, oh my God, you're way better looking than your pictures and as a Leo, I ate that up. I mean, I just loved it. Okay. And we had a great first date, went back to her house, fucked our brains out and I stayed at her house for three days. It was on a Thursday, Friday, and Thursday, Friday and I left Saturday. Is that right? Maybe I left Sunday. I stayed, I think three, maybe three nights and the sex was great. I mean, it was like, I like this. The sex is great. I liked her was, you know, we began a relationship together. I was having a lot of fun. Now I was brand new out of my divorce. I was a fucking train wreck. Oh my God. I was going through such emotional crisis in hell. I just lost my quarter million dollar a year job. She didn't know I was doing cocaine on a regular base. I eventually told her, but I was addicted to cocaine and what that did is it helped me drink more. I'm not proud of it. I'm just staring with you what happened. She was the most, she was playful. She was flirty. She was nurturing. She was sexy. She was independent. I wasn't ready to be in a relationship with her. It's interesting enough after all these years it's been a decade and a half. She, as a matter of fact, the man she met after me, she got married to and she's been married for over, there's now I believe. She actually sent me a text message yesterday because we remain friends on Facebook. We're social friends. I mean, but she sent me a picture of her and her son. She was so there for me when my son passed away. I mean, I'm so grateful that a lot of women I connected with my life I've looked beyond the egoic and said, you know what, Jonathan's a human being. He lost his child and I've gotten such an out for cry of love from people I've dated before that didn't go anywhere. But why I bring this story up is that we started as sex and she was one of my favorite relationships. I mean, to this day, I still look at that as the standard I'm looking for because she was playful, flirty, sexy, nurturing and independent just to name a few things. She didn't give me her power other than to say, Jonathan, you're handsome and I adore you. Again, she said she complimented me but she didn't give her power away. A lot of you, you'll say the compliment but then you give all your power away to a guy. Hold sovereignty, hold onto your self esteem, your self worth and self confidence, which is your self love. And that's my invitation. So the answer is yes, it can happen. Most of the time it doesn't, but yes, it can happen. All right, well, I've got to get ready for the book club that starts in 10 minutes. I'm the guest at a book club because my book, what the heck is self love is the book being discussed. So I have to jump on a Zoom call and in just a few minutes. Everyone, I want to say this, I love doing these live streams. I really appreciate the great comments. I so appreciate the love and support you've got. My hair is all freaked out. Love and the support you've given me, especially around my son Connor, for those who know that's my son Connor passed away. You, so many of you are so loving and kind and generous and like from the bottom of my heart I want to say how much I appreciate you. My hope is my content is sinking in is resonating and what I mean by sinking in it's making a difference for you. I'm so grateful for the emails I get from some of you saying Jonathan, I recommended the book eight dates to my boyfriend and we're doing it and it's working out great. I'm encouraging you all to lean into studying relationships and being in charge of your relationship destiny. Do not give your power away to men because if you want to have a happy life start with a happy relationship with yourself because as Esther Perel says and she wrote the book, mating and captivity. I don't know where that book is. Here it is, mating and captivity. I love this book by Esther Perel. By the way, I'll put the Jonathan recommends books here. What I'm bringing this up, she says the quality of your life is predicated on the quality of your relationships and it starts with relationship with self. I'm here to say, begin to have a great relationship with yourself and then choose relationships that enhance your life and not relationships where you give your power away. By the way, Tina, thank you so much. I appreciate the hugs and you're the best. I really appreciate that. Everyone, thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. You're all loving, kind, generous human beings. I hope you do find a juicy, delicious, loving, happy, healthy relationship in your life that you can just say, you know what? I can sink into, I'm here, you matter, we're important. I've got your back. I'm not going anywhere and I only want you because that's what I'm in love with you means to me and I'm hoping you experience that in your life. Everyone, I'm going to say goodbye for now. First off, giving you a big Jake, Anna, Jonathan, bear hug, reaching into the camera and giving you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm going to ask you to turn to someone or a pet or a teddy bear or pillow and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love and we can all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye-bye now.