 So it is the second week of our dating theme for the month, Johnny, and we've been getting some interesting emails. Here are the letters of coming already, and we kind of knew that they were going to, but the thing about it is dating in the Me Too era is a difficult conversation. It's polarizing right now. And because we decided to have a friendly chat about it, we knew that we would probably get letters and they're coming in, and it just solidifies how polarizing it is and what a difficult conversation is and why we should be talking about it. I also feel that what's fun about the letters for the most part so far is the contingent of letters coming from people who are in relationships who are not looking for dating advice. We knew going into it that, hey, there's a large part of our audience that are in relationships, and thank you for listening. We're excited to have you here. We're going to talk a little bit more about dating, give some actionable tips on flirting, and guess what? You can flirt with your significant other. You don't have to be single to use this advice. Because there's a lot of utility in this conversation on other aspects of your life, and one of the reasons that I had gotten into self-development was, well, both of us, was to get better with dating, get better with the opposite sex. And what had happened is in looking for this information, blew the doors open and how this sort of thing affects every other aspect of your life. So for those of you who are in relationships are like, come on, guys, get rid of the dating topic for the month. I don't want to listen to this. It's much broader and much more important than you actually think. And I don't know, of course, I think we have done a wonderful job of exploring topics in multiple areas of your life that, first glance, you wouldn't see applicable, but it is. We've done a wonderful job in exploring that and showing our audience that. And our goal for this topic this month is to do that very same thing. So as you're listening to this and you're cussing us out for the month, try to… You might as well go to Johnny at TheArtOfTrump.com. Exactly. But listen with an open mind and with the idea of looking at how it can be applicable in other areas. Well, I think it's fun just thinking about how much dating has changed. And that's really what we focused on last week and this idea of three dating markets. This week, we're going to be talking about that first date. We're going to be talking about flirting and as I said, these tips are not just for the first date. They're not just for flirting with this new person that you may have met. These are tips that we can use if we're in relationships already. As we're recording this, it's Monday and the first episode of this month went out today. And I was laughing because we just did this episode and we have a challenge on Facebook. It's free. You can sign up for it. It's a lot of fun. We're going to be revamping that as well as we're looking forward to that. But it's just so funny. It just always tends to happen that we get questions that are always like happen to be in what we're doing that month. There was two posts just this week that are very clear in my mind of people saying, I suck at texting. I need help. And I was like, well, wait till Monday right on because that's and I hope that conversation cleared up some things. It gave some people some ideas to to help with that. Well, I think going along with that this area of our life is is one that we do get pretty clear feedback on. When we have programs, one of the conversations that week always is what is what is your dating strategies? Well, who doesn't want to get better at dating? You want to have options. And let's be honest. I mean, most of us are going to know when we're not good at texting, when we're not good on the first date. Why? Because we're not getting responses. We're not getting second dates. It's pretty clear. Yes. Which is why a lot of us when we find self development, we find it through dating because they're like, oh, man, this person that I really liked doesn't like me. There's something there. Let me investigate and maybe figure out how I can improve. And yeah, there's two results that are going to come from that. Either you blame the other person or you blame the other. That's exactly they suck or I suck. But when you get tired of saying they suck, they start to look in the mirror and go, OK, maybe I have some things I have to work through. And, you know, which and it's scary because if you open those doors, right, you're going to be exposed to all of your other flaws. However, the best part about it is that you are exposed to all your other flaws. You can get to work on it. And then every day of your life becomes much better than the day before because you've now taken responsibility. And that's why I love self development. And that's how easily I got sucked into it and why it makes at 45 life so much fun because every day is that much better than the day before because of the the advancement of myself and my and my challenges and how to go about them. And it makes every day interesting and fulfilling. If you're laying awake at night and you're just staring at the ceiling, it's because you're not fulfilled at the end of the day. And you feel and it can after these compound, it is starts to feel as if you're missing it. That's the fear of missing out. And it is that you are wasting your life. And when you've defined what your core values are, you're able to engage in them in a meaningful way. Then going to bed at the end of the evening is going to be easy. Why? Because you feel fulfilled and you're excited about the next day. Well, that's the funny part about dating is a lot of us just don't think about the strategy involved. You don't have a strategy and use hope. And unfortunately, one of the most common refrains we hear is, well, I'm not happy with my options. Well, in order to change your options, we have to start changing some of the strategies you're using. Now, last week, we talked about these three dating markets, our social group, strangers in person and this whole new market online. We also gave you some actionable tips on the online dating market. And especially when it comes to text communication, it's an area that all of us are now fortunately or unfortunately, reliant on in terms of moving things forward. Now we're going to talk about what to do when you got the date. You got the contact information. You had some banter going online, and now you're moving into hanging out in person or you got introduced friend of a friend or you met that person and now you're planning this first time out with them. And I want to say that if you are dreading going on dates, it's because you don't have a strategy. You're winging, you're throwing stuff off the wall and you're hoping something sticks and walking into anything with that sort of plan is a nightmare. It's the same thing with conflict resolution, which I know that we had done a podcast on it a little while ago. And one of the reasons that most people avoid conflict is because they don't have a plan and rather than make things worse, that rather just avoid it. Most people, when given a solid plan and how to deal with conflict can feel good about going in because they have a plan, they know what to do. They have an idea of what they how they're going to walk out of it and they and you go in and with your guns blazing, hoping for the best. But without it, like, why would I put myself in opposition? So intimidating. Dating is the same thing. Why am I going to throw myself into this hoping for the best with no strategy, knowing that the outcome could be embarrassment, humiliation. And then that's what we all know what it's like of having a date that was meh and and going. Was it as bad as I thought it was? Or was it OK? And what does the other wondering exactly? Was it them? Was it me? Did they notice? I don't know. And now you're playing this. And that's I would say this is a week, if not more, out of your life of of cognitive power that is just wasted on on this whole of this whole train of thought. Well, when you don't have a strategy and you wing it, so to speak, it can be tumultuous. It can feel more difficult than it has to be. But the first thing we have to talk about and we talked about this in an earlier episode is dating is a numbers game. And I know that's going to piss people off right out of the gate. Here comes the letters. It's just the truth. You can't avoid it. And not only is it a numbers game, the numbers show that you're not compatible with most people. And can I let's look at it from both sides. Guys, I think, logistically understand that it's a numbers game and they get taught that very easily, very early, and that's fine. But even young ladies are told they're going to have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince. That's what they're setting up. Yeah, understanding that most of your dating life is going to involve failure. Yes, it's going to involve no chemistry, no compatibility, not getting along, not having the same interests. And no matter if you're relying on algorithms or you're relying on your friends or you're just plain walking up to strangers, there's a high likelihood that that conversation is going to be a bit of a struggle. Why? Because you're both bringing your baggage, your experience and your mindsets into that interaction. And unfortunately, most of us, especially as we get older, we're bringing more and more of that to the table. I think both parties, men and women, need to understand that you're looking at the other person as you have to see them in their their their full frame, which is themselves physically, but their their cognitive biases, their their cognitive processes, which you said the baggage that comes along with that, the insecurities and the fears, that all gets in one package. And it's difficult to realize that when you're just seeing somebody that you're sexually attracted to. Exactly. The only picture that's being painted is am I attracted to this person? And unfortunately, the science shows that the second you feel that attraction, your brain starts filling in the blanks with all of these positive qualities and attributes. And now that we've just opened your eyes to that other person, let's open your eyes to yourself because you have insecurities and fears and biases and cognitive processes that the other person now is going to have to deal with as well as you have to deal with. So let's that's what makes self development so much fun, because the minute you turn the table as you can start getting the work. So with all of that said, the numbers don't lie. The numbers are clear. We are going to struggle and fail with dating. That's just how the process works. But with a strategy, you can make it more fun. And a little less stressful. And that's what we're going to really focus on today. Now, when it comes to a first date, especially now in the digital age, where we are relying on online algorithms and these profiles of other people to determine whether or not we should see this person out. We put a tremendous amount of pressure on ourselves if we decide that the first date needs to be some extravagant adventure. Most of us, when we're meeting people being set up through friends, meeting strangers in an environment that is lively and very brief and or meeting people online, our brain starts filling in blanks. And a lot of times it's filling in blanks in inaccurate ways. You don't know this information about the other person. Why are you filling in the blank that way? Oh, because the last time I met someone like her, well, they did this. The last time I met someone like him and with these biases that we're bringing to the table, it is very difficult for us to have an amazing first date. If we make it so difficult, we're going into a new environment. We're going to get a limousine. We're going to buy a bunch of candy. We're going to go and make it this big, fancy ordeal. And all of a sudden we've put a tremendous amount of pressure on us and the other person. And all of these biases start to work against us. And then we are left feeling taken advantage of let down. How much do you feel the traditional dating experience from the fifties still lingers, which is you're supposed to ask the girl and then show up at their house with the flowers and candy and take them to dinner and maybe a movie? How much do you think that is still present? I think that because if we look back historically at that era, options that were highly valued just because you were pretty much limited based on your location and the people you knew. Now, with online options are so readily available that to put so much investment in anyone option, it's really been disincentivized. So I think there was a time and a place for that level of thoughtfulness on the first date. I don't think in today's modern dating that gets rewarded like it did in the fifties and sixties. I don't think showing up with candy, having a major date plan and then going to a movie and then holding hands and walking around the park. I don't think that gets rewarded in the way that it did in the fifties and sixties. You know, it's just even thinking about that. There's like a cringe moment of like what there is so much going on there that would terrify the regular normal person in today's dating atmosphere. Well, I certainly from a first date, you know, I look at my relationship with Amy. Well, we enjoy those nights out. Of course. Yes, way too much pressure on the first night out with this person. You don't have a lot of information about them. Maybe you you had a great conversation. You exchanged information or your friend said, hey, I want to set you up with someone. I think they'd be great for you. They're working on a small amount of information or you just relied on an online profile. Guess what? When you make that first date so elaborate and so complicated, inevitably, it's going to be difficult for you to feel comfortable and confident, and that's really what matters because the more comfortable you are, the more comfortable the other person is going to be on the first date. So we want it to be low pressure, low pressure. We don't we're not saying that it's low effort. We certainly feel you should put effort into a date. If you think that you are attracted to this person enough to spend time with them to see if it works, you should be putting effort in and you should put your best foot forward 100 percent. But we are not incentivized to make this high pressure. It does not work in our favor. And typically it ends up failing on that first date. Well, we're going to talk about two two ways of going about this. And then they're both dependent on how good you feel about yourself and the skills that you've been able to develop in yourself at this point. Now, when it comes to first dates, these two types of dates that you're talking about, Johnny, I feel like a lot of us think about the first one of, OK, I got to go out, meet this person, sit across from them, have dinner or drinks. And the focus of the date is going to be our conversation. Yes, that I think is what most people in their mind envision a date as. But there is another date that we started talking about 12 years ago that are experiential, that are not so much focused on just the conversation with the other person. And I think that's a strategy that a lot of people haven't explored as much. Yes. And we're going to talk about that. But just before we do, I just want to make a note that the other date that you were just talking about, we could make some tweaks in that as well and make that hum along as well. But we'll get to that one. Yeah. Let's start with this other one. I want to I want to break down both and then we'll talk about what makes a great date. Yeah. But really, there are two strategies here when it comes to hanging out with someone you're attracted to for the first time. One strategy is the conversation of getting to know each other should be the focal point. Yes. And as I said, a lot of us envision a date as such, go for coffee together, go for drinks together, go for dinner together, sitting across from the other person, maybe sitting side to side to the other person. But the focus of the date is truly your conversation with the other person. And if you haven't gotten that drilled in and you feel good about that, then that's not the date for you. And we're going to help you out. We're going to set up a better and easier one. That's exactly it. You know, that date for a lot of us, especially if we're inexperienced, I know me in my 20s getting started and dating. That was a scary idea of how do I create the perfect environment to have the perfect conversation to make the perfect connection? And then you put all this pressure on yourself. Yep. You pick a restaurant you've never been to, a menu that's foreign to you. You don't know where the bathroom is or how to get valet. And all of a sudden, by the time the date starts, it is not going as you planned. And it's difficult to carry that conversation. Now, lack of experience is one reason. Overplanning and overdoing it and putting too much pressure is another reason. But the third reason that we sort of struggle with this is we're also just putting this person on a pedestal. Yeah, we are investing so much in this other person who, again, we filled in some blanks. We met him in person. We met him through a friend. We met him online. We filled in some blanks. And now we are going over the top to try to win this person over. And unfortunately, those over the top expressions of interest actually scientifically are proven to make the other person less interested in you. But it doesn't mean you can't be successful with a traditional date where the focus is conversation. If you're really adept at conversation, if you feel comfortable and you're going to be taking this person out to an environment that you know you shine in, great, keep with that strategy. The second strategy that we start talking about 12 years ago now that really at that point was, I think, for a lot of people shocking because they really hadn't envisioned dates being experiential where you could go on an adventure with someone else and actually have some fun without having to have the stilted back and forth conversation. Well, to go along what you're saying, the traditional date puts a lot of pressure on the connection and hoping that chemistry happens. And if you don't have the chops, then it's going to be a highly stressful and very nerve wracking evening that's not going to have yield good results. And as you could imagine, a few failed dates like that. And all of a sudden you're no longer interested in dating. You can't say anything positive about dating. You dread it. Yep. And it starts to paint a picture of you start to get resentful and hate and just hate filled and you will find articles online that will feed right into how you're feeling. So you don't feel alone. And all of a sudden you're going down a rabbit hole that has very ugly results. And I just want to point that out. All right. The second strategy we've all been waiting for. I know when we were talking about first dates back when we started the show, our idea was, hey, we don't want to have that first touch point, that first date be something that's the same as everyone else that has the possibility of being boring and ultimately not fun for ourselves. And we know that the science shows when we are experiencing things together with other people, we feel more connected to them. We naturally feel more attracted to them. Yes. Emotion ties people together. And we're experiencing those activities, stirring up that emotion. We'll create a nice chemistry, a nice little bond there that you're going to continue to have. And what's great about this is let's just say for whatever reason, things just don't work out, but you've ended up making a friend and which is really cool. Now, with this idea of avoiding the dinner, the movie, the traditional date route where conversation is the focus and now shifting it to how can we experience something in our city together, whether it's nature filled, if you like hikes in the outdoors, whether it's shopping and you love fashion and you love finding deals or it could be something as simple as rollerblading, archery, anything that allows you to experience something new with the other person. Scientifically, that experience makes them more connected to you. And if you can set up a date that has a few experiences in one night, in one evening, where you go hang out and enjoy a little archery lesson. And then after archery, you have a pint at your favorite bar and then you end the night at a little wine bar where you know they have a great piano. Those three little tiny events, mini dates on that one evening will actually scientifically make the other person more attracted to you, feel more connected because the way our brain remembers events is not time dependent. We remember snapshots of things. And when we start to have multiple snapshots together with one person, naturally, we start to feel more attracted and connected to them. One of the things that used to come up back in the day was everyone laughed about, but it worked so well. What was the stupid Chuck E. Cheese date? For our international listeners, because I got a lot of emails over the last 12 years about Chuck E. Cheese. Most people haven't heard of Chuck E. Cheese. It's an arcade, essentially. So think video games, ski ball, and games of chance, whack-a-mole, where you earn tickets and those tickets can be changed in for a prize. Like crypto. And as kids, many of us celebrated our birthdays at these types of places. Now, what makes the arcade, the Chuck E. Cheese, such a fun date? Let's break that down. Number one, most of us have a childhood memory that's positive about an experience like that, getting the tickets, winning the prize, getting the high score. And that date now is tapping into that memory, that positive emotional experience is automatically going to make that date more exciting and fun for the other person. The second thing is now the focus is not on the conversation, it's not on impressing the other person. It's not on I have to state how amazing I am. I have to sell myself to the other person. It's about the experience. It's about the experience. And here's the best part. All you have to do is go and have fun. You can let loose. There's no pressure on you. You allow the environment to do all the work. You're now focused on playing skee ball together, next to each other. You're now focused on playing whack-a-mole. You're now focused on getting as many tickets as you possibly can in order to exchange for a cute stuffed animal that the person you brought gets to take home and remember you buy. Like it's so easily worked out. Let's talk about the other component that gets those dates to the next exciting level. And that's touch. Scientifically speaking, touch builds trust. Now, before you go into that side. I know. Here we go. Trigger warning me too. And everyone here is touch. Everyone here is touch. And they're like, whoa, I don't want to be touching people in this era because if I touch them wrong, it's going to be perceived in a certain way. I'm not talking about grabbing hands, grabbing arms, giving bear hugs. I'm talking about the silly, playful high five after getting the high score and the skee ball. And let's, can we just be honest here, right? All guys know that on this first date, they need to get some sort of something together. Something needs to happen. There needs to be that there's this dreaded touch barrier. Everyone's looking for the spark. And typically this spark is highlighted by that initial touch. And now if you're going to the traditional date to drinks or this dinner and you're sitting across in the person, guys usually have in their mind of how am I going to work this in? How am I going to break this? And because you're so worried about it, you've already ruined the whole thing. That's why we were talking about, if you don't have your chops up, that traditional date is not going to work. And we'll get to that in a bit, but now you're at Chucky Cheese. You're playing video games. You're playing whack-a-mole. You're high five and you're a hip bump at each other. You're having a blast. That the touches, the touch barrier has been blown open just by showing up. Yeah, and with the activity, we're naturally going to be closer together than we would be sitting across the table, eating sushi, staring at each other. So when we talk about the second type of date that's focused around an activity, we're taking the pressure off the conversation. We're creating an environment that's a little more fun. So even if we don't have chemistry, even if we don't have compatibility, I can still leave that date with a smile on my face. Why? I got a new high score in ski ball. That would make me smile. I got a new prize. I got 150 tickets. I traded it in for this bouncy ball. Whatever the case may be, the experience should highlight your likes and interests and allow you to showcase your fun personality. That's what the goal of this first date is and to see if that spark is there through the experience, not through the conversation. And I don't know about the rest of the country, but I'm getting a pretty good indication from the stories that I'm hearing in the letters and I'm getting that it's following suit. But the large cities, here in Los Angeles, New York, whatever. The new theme and strategy for getting people out to the dance clubs and the bars now. You know, the dive bar, unfortunately, had its place, but it is fading away. And I can lament about that for hours. But what is replacing it is these kitschy, like here in Los Angeles, it's the experience. They make the bar an experience. The entrance is gonna be an experience. There's the Saved by the Bell bar. There's the Beetlejuice bar. There's the Star Wars bar. There's all these pop-up Instagrammable-themed bars. Oh, you just mentioned Instagrammable, right? Because there's gonna be certain things inside that you can get your picture with and everyone's gonna look and now it's easily to promote their bar. But at the same time, it's offering this experience that you get to focus on and participate in that the traditional bars just didn't have. And they're all going in that manner because of how easily they are to share on social media. But at the same time, people are going and they get to have this opportunity to talk about the experience of what they're in and the decor, the atmosphere, all these things that have been created for this experience. And it's focusing on these things, certainly like things like Dave and Buster's, right? It's the adult Chuck E. Cheese. We also have, you know, the other part, there is escape rooms, which are all the rage. We have, there's even, in Los Angeles, they have a place where you just go and break stuff. And there's the axe-throwing bar that's now popping up everywhere, like these... There's bowling, there's pinball. I mean, there's so many experiential-type dates. And the criteria that we're saying here is it should be something you can afford. Now, this is where I'm very traditional. I think guys should always pay for the first thing. I agree. You should not be inviting someone out, hoping that they're gonna split the bill with you. You should always invite someone out to something that you can afford to pay for both of you. I'm sure the letters are coming right now. I know, they're going to Johnny at theartofsharm.com. Now, that doesn't mean the other person can't offer to split, can't pull out their wallet, but you need to go into that first date with the assumption that I chose something that I know I can afford. Now, we have emails from students who go, AJ, I can't afford dinner in a movie. Great, there are plenty of dates that don't involve money. Hiking, exploring an art gallery. There are plenty of things to do in your town that are free that gets you out experiencing the city. You know, I guess these things are disappearing, but there's always like in the cities they have the free paper. And so there's a list of very cheap activities going on in your town. And it's time to tap into that and into those things so that you're able to experience this. And the idea here is to be a tourist in your own town. It's discover. No matter. One of my favorite. No matter where you are. There are wonderful things and a wonderful history that you just haven't been able to tap into because you hadn't had the curiosity. But once you open those doors, you're gonna find plenty of wonderful things to do. And then by inviting somebody to check this thing out, how awesome do you look by sharing this curiosity and this history and this uniqueness of this thing that you had found that you're opening their eyes to? Right, you put in a little legwork. You found something interesting about your town and now you've invited them to experience it with you. One of my favorite date ideas again, completely free geocaching. So we have a number of clients who are outdoor guys, have the GPS watch, all that good stuff. And they introduced me to this fun game, geocaching, where basically there are sites with coordinates around the world and you have to find this little, sometimes it's an Altoid box, but it's this little item that's geocached, meaning it's geolocated and they give you the coordinates. There was one up in Griffith Park here where you actually had to go and hunt for it. It was up in a tree. These are, again, fun things that you can do together where the focus of the date is not on just the conversation. It's taking some of the pressure off. Here's another one for you and we've done this one before, Scavenger Hunt. Absolutely. Grab your iPhone. There is an app that you can get and it has scavenger hunts in every city in America. We did one in Reykjavik. That was a lot of fun in Iceland. And we did one, what was the other one we did? We did another one, I can't remember where it was. But it's a wonderful way to learn about your town because it gives you the history of all the little sites that you find and you get to learn and you're walking, it's experiential and you have to work with your partner in order to complete it. And my criteria with this experience when thinking about it is I'm always picturing my date out with her friends the next day. So I'm picturing her out with her friends at brunch and they're asking her, so how was that first date with AJ? He seems pretty fun, how'd it go? I wanna pick something that would allow her to feel excited to share what just went on. Oh my God, he took me to Chuck E. Cheese. It was so much fun, I felt like a kid again. When you're picking out the experience, you want it to showcase your personality, be fun and think about it as something that they're gonna be talking about. They're gonna talk about that date if it goes well or if it goes bad. So you wanna set yourself up for success in that way. Now, meetups, wine tastings, guided tours, there are a ton of activities that you probably haven't thought of because you've been stuck in the dinner, movie, drinks, date lane. And that's fine, that is a strategy. There is nothing wrong with that. And at 45 years old, I do the drinks, but then again, as I was saying, I'm excited about it, I love it. I'm experienced in conversation. I know exactly how I'm going to go through it. I know the question, answer, shared emotional statement. I understand emotional bids. It's a blast and it's so much fun. But not always is drinks on the menu. I know when I met Amy, Amy's not a big drinker and we ended up going on a hike and that ended up being one of the more memorable moments of us spending time together and that was free and there was no alcohols during the day. Most people wouldn't consider that a date, but it actually was and it was a phenomenal time. To go along with that, I know there's a lot of people who the thought of date and just drinks and looking at the other person and trying to muster this up is terrifying. So we're giving you option B, which is a killer option. And it doesn't take, it's not a notch down, it's on equal playing field. Exactly. Now, we have in the resources, go to the website, TheArt of Charm.com. We have an episode dedicated to first dates. We'll link it up in the show notes so you can check out all the other ideas that we have for first dates. But our criteria outside of the dated dinner, movie, drinks, Lane is something experiential, something fun that takes the focus and pressure off of the conversation and showcases your personality. Always keep it within budget. As we said, understanding that asking people to split and taking people to things you can't afford is not a winning strategy when it comes to dating. All right, hopefully you now have a plan of action for that first date. We've explored the three dating markets. Now you got some opportunities lined up to actually put these skills into action. And what skills are these, Johnny, are flirting skills. Uh-oh. And a lot of us- Here comes the letters. When it comes to flirting, we focus only on the words. And this was a big one, because again, and I feel that this goes right along with the problem that everyone's having with the Me Too era is that we are not paying attention to the subtle signs of interest that are usually not vocalized. They are not present in the words. They are nuances that come out in body language. Well, this is where emotional intelligence comes to play and it freaks everyone out because if things would be just so much easier if everyone was able to just vocalize how they're feeling, unfortunately, A, that takes the magic out of everything and that if we were to do that, well, we would need emotional intelligence. This is why this is so important. If you're nervous, if you have anxiety, or you're just a bit self-conscious on this date because you really like- It's an experience. It's an experience because you really like this other person. Guess what? You're focused internally on how you're feeling and what's going on with you while you're trying to get through this first date. So guess what? You are unable to read anything that is going on with the other person and that's why self-development is so important because once you start to work on your own stuff, then you're slowly able to start focusing outward and you can then pay attention and be present to the other person's verbalizing how they're feeling through their body language. And we had an episode last year, the listening episode, the art of listening, understanding that there are five levels to listening and the content is the first level. Just the words are the first level. So when we talk about listening here at The Art of Charm, we talk about listening with our eyes and our ears. We are listening with our eyes to look at the subtle signs of interest that the other person is displaying. And in video work on Tuesday in our boot camp, we film all of our clients interacting with our coaches in conversation. They practice with each other and then they actually approach our coaches on camera. And inevitably we play back the video first with no sound. Yep. No sound. Terrified. And everyone watches with no sound and they go, oh my God. Here's my favorite part about it. They don't need to say anything about their discomfort because their body language gets so small on the couch while they're watching this cringe fest. And they're also seeing a totally different experience because they're no longer focused on just the words. And we don't even have to point anything out yet. They're already seeing all the issues and then we begin to start breaking it down so they could correct it. So when it comes to flirting, the first thing we need to pay attention to is not just the words that the other person is saying, but also their body language, their actions. And with that body language, we first have to show them that we are open and interested. Yes. And unfortunately, as Johnny was saying earlier, when we get nervous, a lot of us self soothe. Yes. By closing our body language off, crossing our arms, making ourselves smaller, almost removing ourselves from that tension that we're feeling on the date. And can I also add to that that not only do you self soothe, you're programmed to do it. So without being conscious of what you're doing, you're already going through the motions of getting yourself comfortable because you're uncomfortable and your body's gonna do what it normally does. And what usually happens is you tend to get smaller because you're trying to protect yourself because you're uncomfortable. So your arms get crossed. You tend to get smaller. And because of that, you now look submissive. You now look weak. You look uninteresting. You look uninteresting. You look uncomfortable. And what's interesting about this is when we play this footage back, and I'm gonna guess you're probably listening to this right now going, well, I don't do that. And I got this. Everyone thinks they smile more. They do not think that they self soothe and close their body language. And oftentimes we feel that we are fully committed to the interaction, but we're not. We're not committed to the interaction. And when we talk about commitment, we mean committing to the interaction both verbally and non-verbally. So one of the first things that we want you to focus on with your body language is just getting open, uncrossing those arms, allowing your chest to be open. And now you're gonna be able to read the body language signals of the other person more readily. When we are closing ourselves off, we're actually closing off our mind for picking up on these signals. You closed off your body. You closed off your mind. You're focused internally. You open yourself up, and then you go back to focused being outward. And it's funny because on Friday, we go back and film again. And after working through fixing some of our body language stuff, and now understanding how to use words to our advantage, we realize the conversation is completely different on Friday, and that video work looks entirely different. There's less dramatic pauses. There's less awkward silences. And ultimately, there's more comfort from both parties because that's the other thing. In these settings, we are gonna mirror each other. Why? Because we want the other person to like us. So what's gonna happen if you start closing off your body language, the other person is gonna start closing off their body language. They're gonna start feeling discomfort too. So when we are paying attention to our body language, we're allowing ourselves to be more comfortable in this setting of the first date. Now let's talk about the words. What we choose to focus on when it comes to flirting is numero uno in terms of importance because a lot of us, when we think about flirting, we think about witty one-liners. We think about being this comedian that just has the other person laughing the whole time. And in actuality, most flirting is not just based around getting the other person laughing. Most flirting is around showing that you can have a range of emotions and be expressive and be engaged in conversation. It's not about being a stand-up comedian. And I'm gonna go ahead and lay out the obvious here at what happens. And so, if you go into this date, you're, of course, you're focused on make a great first impression, be witty, be memorable. You've put all this pressure on yourself. So what inevitably ends up happening is you start asking the other person questions because you're now sitting directly across from them and you're, how was your week? And how do you like your job? And do you enjoy it? And when you go through this, what we call it, it ends up being an interrogation rather than a conversation. You're dragging information on the other person. You're not adding anything to the conversation. And then what happens there is they feel interrogated and there was not much effort that they've put in all the effort while you feel that you were doing the work. But also, you'll find it as difficult to do any flirting because you're not, you don't have anything to flirt about. Exactly. And what happens is you get so focused on trying to make this moment happen. You're in your head looking for zingers, looking for the one-liners, looking for something. And you're not allowing the conversation to build. And it has to be able to build so that your emotions, your personality, your wit and your charm quotes is able to shine through. And if you're just in your head waiting for the one-liner, I always use this baseball analogy. And I know the guys will get it. I hope you ladies will get it as well. But it's as if you're walking into the batter's box and you're letting the pitcher know, your first question to the other person, you're basically letting the pitcher know, I'm ready. Let's do this. You're wound out, you got your bat, you're all set up and you're waiting for that pitch. And because you've asked the question, you immediately go into your head and you start to think about what woody one-liners or what do you got to answer this person with. That's you anticipating the pitch. And while you're waiting for it to come over the plate, it's high and outside and you weren't expecting that. So you're at a loss. What do you end up doing? Well, I guess I should ask another question. So you let the batter know, I'm ready again. And you're anticipating, you're in your head. We'll look at your zingers. You're anticipating the pitch. And now it's low and inside. Wow, that wasn't over the plate. I wasn't ready for that one. So you let the pitcher know, you're ready. You ask another question. And we know, and it is observable through the video work, that you can only ask so many questions before the conversation collapses in on itself. And now there's just this awkwardness because you can only ask so many questions before it just gets weird. Right. Before the other person is like, hey, I'm done with this. Done. When it comes to being humorous, this is the ultimate misconception in my mind that we've heard time and time again over the last decade plus, that I don't have a sense of humor. I'm not funny. Yes. And time and time again, come Thursday, when we do our improv conversation games in class, typically the person on Tuesday that was the quietest, maybe the little more reserved one who hadn't said anything silly, lights up the room on Thursday. Why? Because they're just free to express themselves. Humor is freedom. It is not lining up the perfect line for the perfect moment. It's simply a form of self-expression of you allowing that thought in your head to be transmitted to the other person without fear of approval, without fear of judgment. And humor is the seasoning in this recipe. It is the salt and pepper in the flirting conversation on the first date. Humor is not the meat and potatoes, the tofu and potatoes. It is the salt and pepper. So when we think about flirting and being silly, we could take the pressure off of ourselves. We don't need to have a witty one-liner zinger every single moment of this first date to get the other person to like us. As a side note, you just said tofu and potatoes. You truly are Los Angeles, aren't you? I want, hey, I'm trying to be inclusive on the show and let all of our non-meat eaters or vegetarians and vegans follow along with this metaphor, Johnny. To go back to what you were saying is, but also if you take any of the humor out of context and just post it, it's going to look awkward. It's going to look clunky. It's going to look offensive because there is so much context built up and that's what freedom is, right? You're in the moment, there's no reigns and so that things can just flow in any direction that they want to go. Yeah, I mean, we posted up some banter examples back in the day and, you know, it lit the internet on fire in a few different ways. And there were a number of people who took Umbridge with us for saying, I could never say that, that's offensive, that's not funny. And we're missing the delivery. Yeah. Everything can be made funny with the right delivery with a smile, with the right vocal tonality and the energy of I'm just having a good time here. But if it's just words on the page, if you're taking it out of context, well, yeah, some of these banter lines that we've preached about over the years can be seen as, well, that's awkward. That's not going to be funny. I would never use that. But your sense of humor springs from the thoughts that bubble up in your head and your head alone. I'm not stealing Johnny's sense of humor and he's not stealing my sense of humor. Exactly. And to go along with that, and I want to go back to the baseball analogy and hit a home run with it. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. There's your witty one-liner. You've been saving that one up all of a sudden. But rather than going into the batter's box, anticipating this pitch, right, and trying to hit a home run with your zingers, it's about getting the base hit. You are allowing things to build. And when you're open and you're laid back and you allow things to build up, guess what? The runs start coming in. And that's what we would like for you to focus on with the context and allowing things to blossom, bloom, and the context to develop so that your personality, your wit, your charm can come shining through. Without that, you don't have a chance to be able to showcase your personality and your charm and your wit. Along with that, this idea of flirting for a lot of us, especially looking at what you see in Hollywood, the classic depictions of flirting are these explosions of fireworks and over the top displays of humor and wit, et cetera. Going back to the salt and pepper analogy, it's just moments of levity in the conversation where the other person has an opportunity to laugh and not take themselves too seriously. There's a huge misnomer, and this has been around for over a decade now, started in the pickup community, this idea that the most effective humor when meeting someone else for the first time is to pick on them, to pick them apart, to knock them down a peg, to make them self-conscious. And it can be effective. Sure. But it's not the strongest strategy. No, it is not. And I wanna point out how this works against you, right? So if you have two people who don't really know each other, who are putting all this tension and pressure on the situation, of course, as we said, if you're focused internally, right, your body's closed up because you're uncomfortable, you have a tendency to close up, and because you have a tendency to close up, you're gonna be unable to focus and be present on the other person. Now, then the other person on top of that starts to throw some zingers at you in order to lighten things up and be charming. Yeah, poking at you, taking some shots at you. You're only helping them reaffirm why they are tricky. Insecure, why they're uncomfortable. And when this goes on in video, and I laugh so hard because they're giving, usually, they're going to their go-to because this is what they're programmed to do. So they're going into the pick on the other person. And when we're playing it back, they're like, you know, I didn't know it was so bad. That wasn't as funny as I remember it in my head, right? Everyone in their head, the pictures that is being, this is gonna be great. They're gonna totally get that I'm just having some fun. They don't realize the lack of smile, the strong eye contact, the fully facing the other person in an aggressive way. And I'll tell you what it looks like on video. Because the other person is shrinking and then you start whacking them. It looks so mean from the outside. And the cringe of watching this, watching yourself do they're like, why am I such a jerk? It can be quite a shock. And when it doesn't go well, the fallout is awful. You just destroyed the other person's self-esteem on a date. How is that something that's gonna lead to a second date that's gonna lead to a healthy relationship? My favorite thing is like, okay, so why are you, what is your strategy here? Why are you doing that? I'm like, well, that's what I've always done. It's like, well, that's why we're here. That's why we're here. But the best thing, and you could take this from listening, it's like, it's something that you could easily stop. But if you're gonna stop it, you have to replace it with a better strategy or you're gonna continue that strategy. And that's why we're here. That's why we're listening to this. That's why we're talking about this. To give you a better strategy. And that playful sense of humor is something that we both wanna be able to laugh at. We're not laughing at one person's expense. We are pointing things out in a silly, fun way. And yes, sometimes self-deprecation will be used to allow the other person to feel like, hey, I'm not taking shots at you either. I'm not taking myself seriously. Banter, in general, is light, fun, playfulness. And the mindset that we always say is it's childlike. It's just allowing the other person to get more comfortable before we get into the more vulnerable parts of building a real connection. And ultimately, dating should be fun. It should be something that we enjoy doing, not something that we don't look forward to. Now, how do we pick up on flirting, right? When we talk about flirting, there are a lot of signals coming at us. And as Johnny said earlier, if we're inward focusing, it's gonna be difficult to pick up on these signals. You're certainly not gonna be able to see them. And one of the questions we get asked a lot is how do I know when the other person is interested me? Who doesn't wanna know that? Absolutely. Everybody wants to know that. And if you're focused inward, you're certainly not gonna see any of those signals. So first of all, you have to be present in the interaction in order to be able to pick up on whether or not the other person is sending you any signals. The second thing, and this is counterintuitive, but this is what we drill in in boot camp. We want neutral body language. Side by side. We don't wanna be fully facing the other person to try to read these signals. It is very difficult for us to read signals of interest when we are facing the other person. And let me lay that out. So two people were meeting for the first time. Plenty of tension or pressure on the interaction. And then you're going to add to that tension or pressure by giving them full positive body language. Fully facing the other person. Which now is putting the other person in a position to have to manage the tension or pressure that is being put on. So the only thing that they can do to alleviate this is to turn away. Now you are chasing the other person. So what we teach instead is a concept called neutral body language. Where the easiest way for us to read signals of interest is when we're actually standing side by side or seated side by side. So we're not giving them all of our attention. Now we can actually read their attention towards us. Are they turning towards us? Are they grabbing us? Are they closing the distance? Moving closer to us? These subtle signals we can't pick up on if we're just fully facing the other person. We want to have them in a position where they have to give you attention. And now if they're chasing your attention, you're the one that's coveted. They're interested. But if you are chasing them, they're going to continue running. And this subtle nuance with body language is the drill and video that changes everything because it takes the pressure off of you. And this is not just with flirting. We practice neutral body language with strangers in networking environments. Why? Because it takes the pressure off. And the best way to visualize this is to think about the last time you got on a crowded elevator. When those doors opened, you didn't just walk in and stand directly in front of everyone. You noticed that everyone was facing one direction. They were facing the door. And we orient ourselves side by side in neutral body language, facing the door with everyone else. Why? Because neutral body language is how we are most comfortable with strangers, with people we don't know. When you fully face someone, you trigger a biological response, a physiological response that is tense, that is adrenaline-filled. Why? Because there is a chance that aggression could occur. And when you're fully facing someone, their torso is now exposed to you. And if you were to get aggressive with them, you could do them serious harm. But when we're shoulder to shoulder, we're not fully facing them, that tension is not there. That pressure is alleviated. And this strategy changes the whole evening. It changes the whole way you're going to go about this. And now the other person has to face you. They have to give you positive body language. If they are interested in you, they're going to touch you, they're going to work for more of your positive body language, your attention. But if you're giving it to them, you're giving them attention, approval, and acceptance for what? They haven't done anything yet. They're supposed to be earning that. You're supposed to be earning each other's attention, approval, and acceptance. If you just give it to the other person, well, we all know what it's like when you just get something for free. You take advantage of it. You don't appreciate it. You haven't earned it. You haven't worked for it. So by going in with this body language in mind and going into a neutral position and working with it and managing the tension or pressure you're bringing to the interaction, you are now in control. Whether you're the girl, whether you're the guy, it works both ways. And then also as you were saying, this is not about just dating. This is why at the beginning of this podcast, we mentioned about the letters coming in and the people who are going to be disinterested. I'm telling you right now that this is your key to being a great networker. It's your key to be a loving spouse. It's your key to being a great friend. These skills that we're talking about here, understanding body language signals of interest. Those are important if you're flirting or if you're out networking and you wanna know if the other person is interested in you. To wrap, let's recap what we talked about. Sounds good. Number one, we gotta change the mindset going into that first date. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves and a lot of times we think only in traditional dating. There are a number of other strategies to use. We highlighted an easy one for those of us who are inexperienced or feel the tension and pressure that comes from a traditional first date is working against us. The second area of focus is when we're out on the date, the most important thing is generating a fun, exciting environment for you to see if there's that spark. And unfortunately, there are a lot of opportunities for there not to be a spark. Dating is a numbers game and unfortunately not everyone is going to be a good fit for you. Lastly, we wrapped up this show with how to flirt. Flirting is a non-verbal and verbal game. Yes. When we're flirting, we're not just zinging them with one-liners. We're using humor as the salt and pepper on the conversation, allowing our sense of humor to shine through and we're orienting our body language now to read these more overt signals back. Yes. If this is something you struggle with, if what we just talked about, body language, you find yourself turning inwards, you find that it's difficult for you on a traditional first date to really create that spark to have that effort and energy and excitement there. We offer a program in Los Angeles. We work on these body language reading skills. We work on allowing you to become a better listener so that whether you're networking or whether you're dating, you can be more effective in communication. I will tell you. You will not be the same from when you come in to when you leave. We have a challenge for you guys this week. Johnny here is in search of some new date ideas. So we want to know what is your favorite first date and what made it so special. You can hit us up on social. You can email us. As we said, all of your hate mail goes to johnny at theartofcharm.com. I was just gonna throw you under the bus and I went, you beat me to it. I know the drill. Complaints and rants go to AJ at theartofcharm.com. My inbox is overflowing. If you have questions for us around dating this month's topic, head on over to theartofcharm.com slash questions. You can also let us know there what your favorite first date was. Johnny and I will be taking notes that I might even take Amy out on one of these great first dates. And we'll read a few of the awesome ones on there. And for those of you who are in relationships, we want to hear from you too. If you've used any of these tips that we've talked about to deepen your relationship, get that spark back with your spouse significant other. We'd love to hear from you. Questions at theartofcharm.com. And while you're at it, can you do me and Johnny a big favor? Head on over to iTunes. Look up The Art of Charm podcast and leave us a review. It helps people find the show and get new listeners. And obviously we really appreciate all the support. Yes. The Art of Charm podcast is produced by Chris Olin and Michael Harold. The show is recorded at Sunny Cast Media Studios here in Hollywood, engineered by Danny Luber and Bradley Denham. I'm AJ. And I'm Johnny. And have fun flirting this week. See ya.