 From one year to another The classical greeting the traditional greeting happy new year Sounds more and more delusional Detach from reality not to say feigned and fake So I'm not gonna tell you happy new year This spell didn't work throughout the last 20 years Instead of happy new year, I'm going to provide you with my funny daddy wisdom 25 points for thought and soul searching and a review of the year past and a Preparation preemptive preparation for the future. Now, how do you call this? What I'm wearing Normally, we would say in the United Kingdom pull over sweater and definitely I'm pulling one over you So that might apply But I think in view of the latest developments in Israel, and I'm in Israeli, of course I'm going to resort to the American Canadian equivalent. This is a tank top sweater Okay And a proper tanks, let's charge ahead and discuss Thoughts for the new year Now you can find all these thoughts in the form of memes most of these thoughts I haven't posted some of them in the form of memes on my Instagram channel narcissism with vacuum I have two Instagram channels one is not active And one is active one is archived and one is active So the active one is narcissism with vacuum, and you are more than welcome to follow me I promise not to block you more than three times a year Okay, Shoshanim. What is it that I have to say to you in my capacity as Santa Claus as your grandpa? number one It is impossible to be happy In a world or in a relationship Steeped in misery If you're embedded in an environment where everyone is miserable, everyone is anxious Everyone is out of their minds in a variety of ways. Everyone is escaping. Everyone is avoiding You're not likely to be able to be happy. Happiness is to a very large degree relational In the absence of human relations, there's no happiness and whenever one everyone around you is depressed and down Instead you're likely to catch feelings this type of wrong feelings. So start By changing your environment Start by working on the outside Not on the inside Get rid of toxic people Surround yourself with happier people people who can inspire inspire you people who are superior to you in many ways it can teach you things Try to change your environment in other ways Activism not narcissistic not virtue signaling real activism Volunteer do something do something about your environment and you will find that That your environment reciprocates by changing you for the better Now you're perfectly entitled to feel bad and to feel sad and even to feel mad It is all right to put yourself and your emotions first Ahead of other people and their emotions. This is healthy. This is not narcissistic It is not at the expense of anyone. You're not harming anyone But take care of yourself first. It's like the famous saying on crashing airplanes You know put on your life vest first before you take care of the children so Put on your life vest first you in your emotions Nurture them maintain them sustain them heal them fix them Cure and save and rescue yourself don't expect for an outsider to come and do this for you No one is coming an appendage to this is the observation That if you want to really hurt someone who loves you dearly hurt yourself When you're surrounded by people who love you and You are being self-destructive and self-trashing and self-defeating and self-loathing and self-hating When you are ruining yourself and devastating yourself in a variety of ways You're hurting the people who love you It's a great way to do this So just go ahead If you love them back, you would first and foremost love yourself because they love you And if you don't love them back Why are you there? Isn't it exploitative and abusive to avail yourself of Their emotions for you of their love for you of their care of their succor So think about it before you hurt yourself Which leads us to narcissism of course because narcissists are self-defeating and self-destructive Or be it very often in a surreptitious subterranean way in a way that is covered difficult to tell There are two types of narcissistic shared fantasies now the narcissists Relates and communicates with everyone Via a shared fantasy shared fantasy is the way narcissists organize interpersonal relationships and make sense of them So they are in a shared fantasy with an intimate partner. They're in a shared fantasy with with a best friend They're in a shared fantasy with an employee with an employer. They're in shared fantasy with colleagues. You name it They're even in shared fantasy with collectives such as the nation or football club So the shared fantasy is the organizing principle of the narcissist life and they are in romantic Relationships in intimate relationships. There are two types of narcissistic shared fantasy Number one the fairy tale shared fantasy where the partner is a princess or a damsel in distress And number two for fake Normalcy were both the narcissist and his or her partner pretend to be having a perfectly normal Relationship and yes nowadays 50% of all narcissists are women Hooray for women's lib and their accomplishments now There are two ways to keep the now the narcissist in your life if you really hate yourself Because The only right strategy with the narcissist is no contact But they are if you insist to stay with the narcissist or if you absolutely have no other choice Which is a very rare case by the way But if really you have no other choice There are two ways to keep the narcissist tethered to you Attached to you Addicted to you and to the shared fantasy in which both of you are embedded Number one tell the narcissist how great and unique he is But to tell the narcissist how needed and indispensable please That should do the trick Don't love the narcissist Your love is wasted on the narcissist because the narcissist regards himself or herself is Unlovable the narcissist has a bed object narcissists has a constellation of voices From early childhood voices inside himself or herself that keep informing the narcissist how unlovable he is because he is Unworthy because he is a failure because he's stupid because he's ugly you name it The end I'm sorry The end result the outcome of this incessant transmission is hey narcissists You are unlovable Don't bother to be loved Don't try to induce love in others and if someone loves you something's wrong So the narcissist interprets your love as manipulative faking It distrusts your love as remember the narcissist has failed in the first stages actually in all the stages of Erickson's lifespan Cycle there eight stages in the first stages trust versus mistrust Narcissists get stuck in mistrust can never trust anyone in his childhood The love of the narcissist mother the love that the narcissist mother gave to it or later in life his father This love was conditioned on his or her performance In intimate settings the narcissist partners are Substitute mothers they are maternal figures So to gain their love To be rendered lovable The narcissist feels compelled to perform in his mind Love is connected to performance. He doesn't perform. He doesn't he doesn't get loved He performs his standard chance to be loved So he performs and this is the essence of the shared fantasy the shared fantasy is performative a very often Borderlines and codependence Gravitate to the purview and remit and the gravitational field around the black hole that is a narcissist But codependence are no less pernicious than narcissists You hate me. You hate me for saying this Both the narcissist and the codependent Were exposed to early childhood abuse and trauma and remember that early childhood abuse and trauma Includes any behavior any parental behavior That does not allow the child to separate from the parent and to become an individual Okay, so some children become narcissists in such an environment Such an abusive ambience other children become codependent and so so the codependent and the narcissist share a common type of early childhood a common etiology etiopatology so The codependent is kind of inverted in a kind of mirror narcissism codependent controls other people through self-sacrificial submissiveness She emotionally blackmails other people by sacrificing herself By being constantly obedient and submissive and at the back and call of her partner. She is empowered Via clingy neediness That's her way to control the situation to prevent abandonment and hurt and modification and so the narcissist on the other hand controls the situation by complying With the codependence wishes by playing the role because the whole thing is a role-play shared fantasy is Role play writ large. So the narcissist plays the role Expected of him by the codependent or in the case of the borderline by the borderline extender regulation constant presence dominance bordering on domineering and so on and so forth The codependent believes that her neediness her helplessness Guarantee her partner's presence in her life and His interest in her well-being if she were to become tomorrow autonomous and independent and so on He would lose interest in her And if their partner is a narcissist, she's pretty that's pretty true. That's true If the partner is a narcissist, he would look a scans He would react badly to Evolving personal autonomy independence self-efficacy and agents So You know The two parties can tell each other the narcissist can tell can say to the borderline You never wanted to make me happy. You just wanted me to be yours and The codependent can receive reciprocate with the very same sentence. It's about possession Not about the other person's happiness or well-being or accomplishment or self-actualization Or development or growth The other the other partner doesn't exist In many ways another topic altogether remember these are thoughts thoughts and reveries and all kinds of Triggers if you wish for the new year Hi, hi IQ Many narcissists brag about being geniuses myself included of course first and foremost perhaps But a high IQ Does not translate into success In the absence of other traits other behaviors if you adjust and down with a high IQ if You adjust hyper intelligent or even intelligent if you if all you have is intelligence forget about it You're gonna fail in life Because you need in addition to intelligence you need perseverance agreeableness industriousness stability or self-regulation humility a Capacity for teamwork which requires minimal empathy and respect for other people Not to hold other people in contempt You need mental health You need to be mentally healthy You need a social support network and last but not least you need a lot of luck So just to be a genius means nothing in life many geniuses are homeless many geniuses are incarcerated and The overwhelming vast majority of geniuses are all but forgotten Because they couldn't play along They couldn't fit in they couldn't belong they couldn't work together They couldn't control themselves and their impulses. They couldn't delay gratification. They couldn't Mature they were immature. They couldn't be humble Etc. Etc. They couldn't persevere. They couldn't commit themselves to a course of action They couldn't pursue goals if you don't have any of this if you're not hard worker, for example If you don't have a work ethic, it's done and gone your intelligence is like a key But if you don't have the door, the key is useless Okay, so controlling one's impulses Acting boundary delaying gratification are very important and it's not the same It's not the same things as faking it because sometimes we see we see people who are very controlled They don't act on impulses. They have clear boundaries and they never transgress them or trespass them They delay gratification and we say oh, these people are so fake They're not spontaneous They don't give in to their urges and drives and desires and passions. They're not passionate. They're dead. They're fake It's not true It's not true to have boundaries impulse control and delay gratification. That's not too fake these behaviors events respect or even empathy for other people and Faking it Comes from a point of disdain when you fake it you hold other people in contempt. You think they're stupid You think them you can manipulate them You're being Machiavellian So faking implies a haughty arrogant superior mindset in short narcissism while genuinely Trying not to hurt people Not to act on impulses to respect your boundaries and theirs to delay gratification Not to impose burdens and costs on other people. This is not faking. This is self-control and self-discipline. These are very healthy things healthy psychologically and healthy of course socially so if you act this way Constantly and consistently You're not faking it. Even if you think you're faking it. Even if it requires an effort You're not faking it You know, sometimes people tell me I Sometimes you can tell me I prefer someone who fakes Being nice I prefer someone who fakes being kind to someone who is sadistic and abusive and They have a point We'll come to it a Bit later or maybe just to say that niceness and kindness their roles acquired behavioral screeds Niceness and kindness by definition involve acting and the imitation of hormones Acting and imitation not faking is a big difference between these these two these three So even someone who consistently fakes being nice fakes being kind is actually nice and kind Because to be nice and kind is to act and There's a lot of complaints in the Manosphere in the red pill communities in cell communities that women fall For fake men men who fake kindness who fake niceness You would you would find people say men saying I am brutally honest and I you know I and that's why women dislike me because they they want fake men. They want men to fake not true Men who fake being nice men who fake being kind are actually nice and kind Ultimately the experience counts not the motivation because we can never we can only speculate about motivation. We can judge only action by action That's my view at least of course if you if you truly fake your behaviors It's not gonna last and ultimately you're gonna be exposed for who you are but Fake it till you make it habituation has a role has has a Is a way to acquire Roles gender roles sexual roles and so on imitation and modeling. Okay When you see someone And he's contemptuous he holds people in contempt And then later on he's he's sadistic He's abusive. He tortures people. He hurts them the inclination is to say Ah, he is being sadistic Because he disdains people Because he looks down on people because he holds people in contempt. That's why he's sadistic. That's not true Contempt is not the precursor to sadism luckily for us Contempt is just the excuse that sadists give as to why they're hurting people contempt Contempt legitimizes sadism By devaluing the victims of sadism It's like the ideology of sadism is contempt And say this people like say this They're afraid to experience positive emotions The same goes For a monopoly of other mentally disordered or mentally ill people for example, narcissists psychopaths To some extent borderline So there are people who are afraid to experience positive emotions only because they dread having to endure negative emotions as well If you experience love You you abound or liable to experience shame You can't be selective About emotionality and emotiveness. You can't emote Emote selectively If you decide That you're gonna be in touch with your emotions. You can experience emotions to the full Be prepared. It's a package deal. You're gonna experience You're gonna have the experiences of positive emotions, but also negative emotions and some people say the hell with it My shame my rage my envy Are so overwhelming So overpowering that i'm terrified of them And I don't want to get in touch with my shame. So I give up on on feeling emotions all together I give up on emotions all together I don't want I don't want the the negative ones and I want the positive ones. Thank you very much So in the tortured minds of these people intimacy and love Are inextricably entangled with pain and shame And so they dump the baby with the bath water with the bathroom with the apartment and with the neighborhood They get rid of all emotions all together I mentioned impulse control and so That's not always a positive thing For example, unlike narcissism and borderlines Covert narcissists are capable of controlling their impulses They're capable of postponing gratification This renders them a lot more dangerous So this is where the fakeness come in comes in They're passive aggressive They control impulses and and delay gratification all for the wrong reasons It's like they accumulate this rage And and then they become Chris Watts at some point And usually these people They have expectations of themselves of life Of the world of the justice system of the authorities of their intimate partners of their neighbors They have expectations which are impossibly unrealistic So everyone keeps disappointing them Everyone keeps conspiring against them. They become paranoid And when you expectations of yourself Are unrealistic impossibly unrealistic all your accomplishments However momentous All your accomplishments feel like failures. You're setting yourself up for failure In priorities I report Money career Fame having love affairs siren children They're all intended to fend off inevitable aging and death But busy as we are In anticipating the future and trying to outmaneuver the future and outwit the inevitable the ineluctable death That is looming The grim reaper As we are busy trying to con Deceive the grim reaper By having children by creating businesses by writing books By having fun, you know All the time It's a death verdict. We are liking on death row And while we're doing this we neglect the present We ignore our nearest and dearest other people and life itself A preoccupation with age with health with death Is unhealthy Is pathological Because it requires the opposite of mindfulness A sacrifice of being present at the moment An inability To appreciate and gauge The beauty and charm and giftedness Of people around you Of other people of emotions Of interactions Of nature And so Focus on the future Or focus on the past Are pathologies When you're focused on the past You're obsessed You ruminate You're fixated When you're focused on the future You're anxious You catastrophize These are pathological defense mechanisms Nowadays People very often are preoccupied With prolonging their lives With their health With their age And this shows you how Malignant and pathologized our society is There are other indications Nowadays, for example, honesty Is considered to be a form of deplorable aggression Truth-telling is misperceived As an attempt to victimize Hence political correctness Confirmation bias and victimhood rule Sharlathans and con artists Are having a field day pretending to be scholars Everything is exalts and fake And people live lives that they hate Most people hate their lives This is why the explosion in Suicidality, in depression, in anxiety Because people hate their lives And they hate themselves in their lives And so living a life that you hate Or a life that you fear Is always way worse than death A life of unremitting shame and humiliation Is the same as experiencing death while you are alive And this is the source of the narcissist envy Narcissists are envious But they're never envious of who you are They never want to become you Because they consider themselves perfect specimen Of the human species The next stage in evolution Why would they want to degrade themselves And become you So, narcissists are never envious of who you are They are, however, envious of your positions Of your accomplishments Of your traits For example, if you are young, they're very envious of your youth If you're successful in dating They're envious of that So they're envious of everything you do Everything you own And the kind of traits and behaviors That provide you with a competitive advantage But never the never envious of your essence Of your quiddity of who you truly are And this is precisely why Narcissists Regard your independence and autonomy Personal autonomy is a threat When you're independent of the narcissist He fears, when I say he, it's a she also Yeah The narcissist fears What you might do Abandon him, for example Betray him So, when you're independent, the narcissist fears you And when you are dependent on him He holds you in contempt So it's like there's no winning strategy here It's a no win situation You can't win The narcissist dreads your agency Your personal autonomy or self-efficacy He dreads that And on the other hand He derides and decries your dependency Your emotionality, your empathy, your love These are weaknesses So you can't get it right with the narcissist That's why you should never be with the narcissist Because the narcissist sets you up for perpetual failure Love is a strange thing A man or a woman can physically fit Into the heart of a way It's a fact, by the way And sometimes a whale can fit into the right human heart If it's big enough But some people are heartless And no heart No matter how big can accommodate these people They are the narcissists and the psychopaths Don't give your heart away Don't open it up to these people They will tear it apart More generally The only two ways to attain contentment If not happiness Happiness is overrated It'll define So we will use the word contentment The only two ways to attain it Either to have it all To have actualized and realized and materialized All your dreams and wishes And fantasies Or to have nothing whatsoever When you have nothing whatsoever You're truly free Freedom is just another name for happiness And when you have it all You're also free Because you're self-sufficient You don't need anyone And this is the reason people seek self-sufficiency Atomize themselves Today two-thirds of men are single And one-third of women Life long singles by choice Because they have discovered the joy of Being independent of other people In an environment where other people are unreliable More cystistic Entitled Treacherous Abusive Perhaps Atomization Aloneness As opposed to loneliness Self-sufficiency Self-containment Perhaps these are rational strategies And even as we become More and more private Even as we refuse to share our lives with others We choose singlehood and aloneness As lifestyles and life strategies Life plans Even as we do this We reach out to other people But we do this via exhibitionism And ostentation Take for example psychotherapy Or sex These used to be private Intimate activities Now they are both public Ostentatious online spectacles That's our way of having it Without paying the costs Being in touch with other people But pulling the plug whenever we want to Controlling the interaction Totally It's fake Socializing Fake socializing People incapable of happiness People who cannot do intimacy They reject life And they reject life Because life is a hurtful reminder Of what could have been And will never transpire Life reminds them of their shortcomings And deficiencies in adequacies So they avoid life altogether And they reach out to life Via simulacra Simulations They remain anonymous Or even if they are not anonymous They interact through via screens It's all make-belief It's all make-belief It's a simulation Of happiness Of social life And of life in general The narcissist credo is I refuse to regard life as a territory to be conquered I don't consider life a ladder To climb or a destination to strive for The narcissist treats life as a theme park With myriad carnival attractions A toy store with infinite offerings A mall with endless rows of alluring shops The narcissist commits to nothing He invests in nothing Ever The narcissist is a tourist On this planet Not a citizen of it The narcissist's time here Is too precious to be wasted on being earnest The narcissist's only constants The change The desultory The adventurous The itinerant Ships passing in the night Move on people There's nothing to see here And this provokes a lot of anxiety in people around the narcissist And the more narcissistic our civilization becomes The more anxious we are And people with anxiety disorders become anxious Also when they anticipate forthcoming anxiety or panic attacks So this is kind of a secondary anxiety They're subject to anxiety disorder And then they're anxious about their own anxiety disorder But at the core People are anxious because life is inexplicable Senseless Meaningless Random We have lost all the fictitious narratives That gave us direction Organization Structure Order A promise of the future Made sense Of our experiences Religion for example The nation's state even Society Hierarchical society So Anxiety is a rational reaction And depression They're rational reactions To our world today And as I said at the beginning The only way to overcome all this Is to get out there Start to change your environment Start small Don't be grandiose But Your efforts will show and accumulate Choose things you can tackle and cope with successfully Collaborate with others Change the world One beat at a time And you will have changed yourself And your prospects For a life well lived And for happiness So what to say? Happy New Year Maybe have a new year of inner peace and outer peace Signing off Grand Passant