 Welcome to Out of the Comfort Zone. I'm your host, Arby Kelly, and today it's just me by my lonesome. And speaking of lonely, that's actually what I wanted to talk to you about today. You can see in the background, this is a photo from James Campbell High School. And I don't know about you, but I experienced a lot of loneliness and awkwardness in high school. Actually throughout my entire school career, I was super awkward. But loneliness isn't something that just our kids struggle with. It's something that haunts even adults all throughout their life. And the older you get, loneliness can even turn deadly. So when we talk about living a long and healthy life, usually we're told to quit drinking, quit smoking. We're told to diet, exercise. A recent study by Susan Pinker found the two most important factors in living a long and healthy life are actually all about your social life. The first factor is all about your close relationships. So if you have a group of people around you who care about you, who you can call on any time you need help, these people, you can call on them for a loan. You can call on them when you're feeling in despair. Any time you need help, they will be there. And even if you only have a couple of these people, the fact that you have them is guaranteed to help you live longer. The second factor that helps you live even longer is social integration. What this basically means is the number of people you interact with every day. So if you are talking to this person who handles your groceries, the person who gives you coffee, the person who walks down the street every day at the same time, if you have conversations with each of those people, you are much more likely to live a long and healthy life. Now this is tricky because most of the time we struggle with talking to people. And I know, okay, I know there's a bit of a stereotype where have you ever met an older person who just seems to just talk your ear off? I don't know if that happens here in Hawaii, but that happened in the mainland all the time. And often our youth, we kind of begrudge that. We don't want to talk to someone. We don't like talking to people. We struggle talking to people. And that habit of talking to the people around you is actually something that helps you stay alive. So if you are wanting to live a happy, long life, you've got to figure out how to talk to people. You've got to build those relationships. Now I don't know about you, but most of the time, one of the biggest things people ask me about when I say, oh, I teach body language, I help people have better relationships, they ask me about making friends. They ask me about talking to people because that's something we struggle with at every age. Whether you're a teenager who's moving to a new school, whether you are just going into college and you've got new dorm mates, whether you are moving into a new neighborhood, a new job, whether your old friends are moving away and you're lonely. You always have to deal with making friends and meeting people. And the science is clear. You will be happiest when you talk to more people, when you have more friends. It's not about a positive attitude. It's not about being popular. It's all about having friends that you can talk to. So today on the show, we're going to be talking about some strategies that you can use to make more friends. So first, you may be wondering, all right, why is she wearing this bluey purple lipstick? Like, this isn't a choice that I would probably choose. So what made her go for this? Well, this lipstick is actually helping me attract people who would be a good fit as a friend. Okay, so there are five different personality traits. They're called the Big Five or Ocean. And they're currently the most scientifically solid personality traits that we know of. I'm sure you've heard of Myers-Briggs or Type A, all that stuff. The set of personality traits with the most science behind them currently is the Big Five or Ocean. And they are as follows. O in Ocean stands for Openness. How open you are to trying new things, having adventures, exploring, trying different things. That's Openness. Then there's Conscientiousness. This is how detail-oriented you are, how organized, how precise you are. And then there is Extraversion. Are you super extroverted or are you more introverted? Do you like getting out and talking to people or do you prefer smaller, more intimate groups? That's Extraversion. And then O-C-E-A, agreeableness. So are you someone who is going to bend over backwards to be nice to people? Are you someone who is kind and gentle and agreeable? Or are you, my husband's, low in agreeableness? Are you one of those people, if you're low in agreeableness, you don't want to bend over backwards for others. You're more grumpy. You're often hard to get along with because you're just naturally lower in agreeableness. And then there is Neuroticism. This is how emotionally stable you are. If you are someone who naturally swings from excited to despair to happy to upset, if you aren't emotionally stable, that means you're high in neuroticism. On the other hand, if you are someone who is calm, even under stress, that means you are low in neuroticism. And these five traits help us to know more about ourselves. Because if someone who is high in conscientiousness is talking to someone who is low in conscientiousness, this person who is high in conscientiousness, they're going to be expecting the other person to get back to them promptly with details, thoroughly, whereas the person who is low in conscientiousness is thinking, oh, I'll get back to this, eventually, and they may never connect. So if this person who is low in conscientiousness takes a week to get back to this person, while this person was expecting a reply within five minutes, there's going to be a huge personality clash there. So it's important to know how you rate in the big five characteristics because that will help you find out what you're looking for. So circling back around to the blue lipstick, I am personally high in openness. I like trying new things. I like going on adventures. I like being out of the box. And I don't get along well with people who are low in openness. And so I have designed my outer appearance to attract people who are high in openness and to repulse people who are low in openness. And this is really effective, and it saves me time, because one of the worst things is going up to someone, like, mustering your courage, approaching someone, starting a conversation, only to awkwardly realize within a few minutes, oh gosh, this was a bad idea. This person is not a good fit for me. So it's much more effective when you can tell just from someone's outer appearance if they are a good fit for you or not. And one of the ways you can do that is by being absolutely clear in what you're looking for in a friend. Some people, if you're looking for a friend, you are looking for someone who will go on hikes with you, someone who will go on adventures with you. Some people are looking for someone who has kids the same age, who can do group or play dates where their kids get together. Some people are looking for someone who will have a movie night with them. Maybe you're just looking for someone to sit next to in class without feeling awkward. Or maybe you're looking for a bosom friend, a kindred spirit, who will just be your bestie, so to say. It all depends on what you're looking for, because if you can figure out the kind of personality, the kind of person you're looking for, then you can actually sit down and figure out what that person will look like. Where you'll find them, how you'll know they're a good fit for you. And this is something that takes a little bit of practice, because you can't have a friend that's going to be all things to you all of the time. It's very typical to have a few different friends who feel different needs for you. So if, for example, I was a middle-aged mother with three children in high school, when I was looking for friends, I'd probably be looking for, I'd be looking for another mom who has kids the same age as mine, so that our kids, we could babysit, or our kids could get together, so that that would be one role that they would fill. I'd probably also be looking for another friend who would go out to lunch with me sometimes, and just talk about our lives, we could socialize, we could be there and support each other. And I'd probably also be looking for a friend, I don't know. Oh, I might look for a friend who would go out partying with me, someone who'd like to have the same kind of adventures I have, and it's probably not likely that I'll find someone who meets all of these characteristics. But it is much more likely that I'll find three people to fall into each category. So that, yeah, I'm spreading out my friendship needs, but all of my needs are being fulfilled. So if you are feeling lonely at all, if you are wanting to make more friends at work, if you're wanting to make more friends in your neighborhood, you have to figure out exactly what you're looking for. Because that will make it so much easier to take the next step. So, some of the other challenges when it comes to making friends are not knowing how. So you've sat down, you've figured out what kind of friend you're looking for, what needs you want them to fulfill, but now what? Well, there is a book that actually talks all about this, and I should have sent in a picture so you could see it. But it's called The Like Switch, The Like Switch by Jack Schaefer. And you can find that eBay, Amazon, Google, wherever, and I highly recommend it. But The Like Switch talks about a formula that we use whenever we build a friendship with someone. And the author actually uses this formula to take people who are spies for other countries, and turn them into spies for our country. Which, woo, super cool, right? Well, I tested this formula without knowing when I was trying to meet and woo my husband. I don't know if you know this story, but when he and I first met, we were in college and he actually assumed I was lesbian. So I had to work really, really hard to get him to go out with me. But this formula, the one we use for turning spies into assets, the one we use for turning strangers into friends, is the one I used to turn this man into my husband. And here's the book, you can see it on your screen. It's an ex FBI agent's guide to influencing, attracting, and winning people over. And this is fabulous. I've read it at least four different times. But the formula he talks about in this book says the four different ingredients you need in order to turn someone into a friend. So the first ingredient is proximity. Fancy word for being in someone's close range, all right? If you never meet someone face to face or you never encounter them online, you're never going to have a friendship, all right? You have to at least come into the other person's space every now and then. This is why if there is someone you consistently see in the office across the way, or if there's someone you consistently walk by every day, you're much more likely to build a friendship with them, because you're in the same area. So proximity. The way I used this with my husband was I found out where he was going to be. And coincidentally, casually, I was sometimes in those places too. So proximity. If you want to build a friendship with someone, you have to be in their area so they can see you and get to notice you. The second trait is frequency. So frequency, if you meet someone only once, you're not very likely to build a friendship with them. But if you meet them frequently, maybe every week at the same time or every other weekend, something where you see them regularly, then you are much more likely to build a friendship with them. And a lot of people leave this to chance. But I wouldn't. If there's something you really want to be friends with, you have to manufacture these opportunities. You have to manufacture reasons to be in their proximity. And you have to manufacture reasons to be there frequently. And then the third characteristic is duration. Now if you have a friend who comes from a long way and you're best friends and you're finally meeting after years apart, you will have low frequency meetings that will be high in duration. So if you have a good friend you haven't seen in four years, if you sit down, you'll probably talk for hours without even noticing. But if you have a friend that you see every other day, when you talk, you'll probably only talk for a couple of minutes. So it's normal for frequency and duration to be inverses of each other. If you see someone frequently, it'll be a low duration. If you hardly ever see someone, it'll be a high duration when you do see them. In any case, moving on to the fourth ingredient. This is where it gets really powerful. And I will tell you all about it when we get back from the break. See you in a minute. They said I could play so I ain't chance to play at all. That's my life. I love music. I've been in this crazy world, so far up in the confusion. Nothing is making sense. That was a short break and I'm glad you're back. So we were just discussing the four ingredients that you need to use to turn a stranger into a friend. Brief recap, they are proximity, frequency, duration, and finally, intensity. Now intensity is where it gets really powerful. Because intensity is where you actually fulfill each other's needs. So if you are looking for a friend to go hiking with, and you're running into this person, you're seeing them frequently, you're having good discussions with them, slowly things are increasing in duration. But it turns out they hate hiking. They can't fulfill this need for you. You will either have to drop them as a potential friend or find some other need for them to fulfill. On the other hand, if you are looking for a romantic partner and it turns out they are very interested in someone else, again, they can't fulfill that need for you. So intensity is where you need to be super clear about what you're looking for and whether or not they're a good fit. And it's happened to me where I meet someone and I don't think they can help me, but they turn out to have a huge influence on my life. So of course, you want to stay open to the possibilities. But keep in mind that intensity is where it will make or break the friendship. So if there's someone you want to meet, and you want to turn them into a friend, you need to make sure you are regularly in their space. Whether that's in the same room, same classroom, same hallway, something where you see them and they see you regularly. You need to have frequency where they are frequently seeing you, enough to know your face and then eventually to know your name. And then eventually to get to know more about you, all right? You have to slowly build up on each of these areas. And then they have to be durations. It might just start out as like a, hey, nice to meet you. And then it might start out, it might build from there to, what do you do for fun? Have any plans this weekend? I'd love to join you. Where you can build from there in the duration and then the intensity. And it is normal at any time, if you're building these up with someone, and then you discover they're not a good fit for me. The best way to slowly, easily back away from this is to ramp down on each area. You see this person less frequently. You are not in their area as much. You keep the conversations shorter and you decrease the intensity you put into the relationship. And so even if you're ramping up and you're building, then you're like, oops, bad idea. You can just slowly ramp down and they will subtly, gently get the hint. So these are the four things you need to do when it comes to making friends. In order to turn a stranger into a friend. Now the biggest, most important piece is to be clear about who you are. And I've got a little poem that I want to bring up on the, on the camera and show you about being true to who you are. This is by Shell Silverstein. And he says, she had blue skin and so did he. He kept it hid and so did she. They searched for blue their whole life through, then passed right by and never knew. So if you are hiding who you really are, if you are putting up a mask so people can't truly see you, you are going to struggle finding people who are, who are right for you. Because in the poem, you could see these two people, they were looking for each other. But because both of them were hiding, they never found what they were looking for. So you want to be absolutely clear about who you are. And that's why using your, your outer appearance, using your body language to broadcast your personality is so important. So I'm going to pull up a couple of pictures for you to demonstrate the different, the different ideas about someone's personality that you get based on their outer appearance. So this is me five years ago. This was actually taken the night I met my husband. And if you were to look at this, most people would see lesbian, most people would see tough. I'm not sure what else you would see, but this sends a very, very strong message about the personality at the time. This is something that says bold, it says fierce and like I said, most people assumed it was lesbian. So let's check out the next one. This one was taken even before that when I still had hair, man, it's been a long time. But if you were to look at this person, they would seem a little more like the girl next door where they're out and about in the outdoors, someone you'd like to go hiking with someone who seems friendly, someone who seems confident. Let's take a look at the next picture. This is, it was actually taken when I was doing a little photo shoot with my then boyfriend now husband, but you would get a completely different message about this person. They've got manicured nails, they're wearing pearls, jewelry, makeup. You would get a completely different idea about this person versus the previous pictures. So when it comes to your personality, you want to make sure you are being clear to the people around you about what they can expect from you. And it's absolutely normal that your needs will change, but you want to make sure you are being super clear about who you are, what you're looking for, and then following the four step formula in order to turn people into a friend. Now when it comes to making friends, there are a couple nonverbal cues you can use that make this so much easier, and we're going to talk about that a little bit today. So first, we like to look for people who are confident. We like to be friends with winners. And so when that looks, what that looks like in someone's body language is that means they're actually confidently claiming their space. So I'm going to demonstrate what not to do. Have you ever seen someone kind of shrink down like this? This is not confident body language. You won't look at someone sitting like this and be like, oh, they look fabulous. I'd like to be their friend. You'd look at someone who's standing like this and think, oh, there's a problem. Oh, they're in trouble. Oh, they're shy. You might want to walk over and see what's wrong, but you wouldn't instinctively be like, they are going to be my friend. On the other hand, you have people who sprawl out and take up two or three chairs or like they even do the hands behind the head thing. And when you see this, you don't think of that person as being friendly or you don't think of them as being easy to work with. Usually you think of them as being cocky, arrogant, careless. And so when you are trying to meet a new friend, you want to make sure your body language is somewhere in the middle where it's confidently claiming one, maybe one and a half or two chairs. That means shoulders back, chin in the air, chest puffed out, and your elbows are well away from your size. And even if you're a little bit overweight, you still want to keep your elbows away from your sides because if you are overweight but you still press your elbows against your sides, people will see you as being ashamed. They'll see you as being weak, shy, vulnerable, which you aren't. And you don't need to apologize for being whatever size you are. Confidently claim your space and keep your elbows away from your sides. Another trick you can do that helps people actually instinctively like you is you want to make sure your hands are visible every time you meet someone. An interesting study found that jurors looking at defendants saw defendants who had their hands out of sight under the table like I'm doing. Those defendants were seen as more sneaky, untrustworthy, and deceitful just because they had their hands out of sight under the table. And it's a funny reason for that. When we meet someone, we instinctively want to know if they're safe to approach. We want to know if they're a threat. And so we look at their hands because our hands are where we hold our weapons. Knives, guns, clubs, anything you're going to hit another person with, you're going to hold it in your hands. So people instinctively look for the hands when we first meet someone. And you'll see almost every greeting ritual in the world shows people your hands, even bows. There's a set place for the hands to go so people can see. Let's see, waving, handshake, even a hug. You hold out your hands so they can see you're unarmed and then you get to pat the other person down for weapons. So every greeting ritual is designed to show your hands. So when you meet someone, even if they're a total stranger, make sure your hands are visible. That can be just dangling at your sides. That can be out in a brief wave. Whatever you do, make sure they can see your hands all the time. A second trick that I think I talked about last time, just briefly, is what's called an eyebrow flash. I just did it. And an eyebrow flash is what you should do whenever you make eye contact with someone new or someone you want to get to know better. The eyebrow flash is tricky because if you do it too long, it looks a little weird. And if you do it too often, also weird. So you just want to do one short eyebrow flash and that's the most effective eyebrow flash to send. And this is called a friend signal. It's a way of signaling to the people around us that, hey, I like you. I'm friendly, I'm easy to work with, and I'm safe to approach. If you come over and talk to me, you're going to have a great experience. And that's basically what this eyebrow flash says. So when you meet someone, you want to make sure you are standing with confidence. You give them a brief eyebrow flash when you make contact and keep your hands visible. So I know each of you have unique challenges when it comes to making friends. I know each of you have unique situations that make it harder for you to make friends. I know each of us, everyone on the globe, secretly longs for someone to understand them. For someone to be kind to them. For someone to bolster them up and encourage them. And I have found the trick to being, the trick to having a lot of friends is to be a good friend. So if you want someone to be a friend to you, you've got to first be a friend to them. And that means going out of your comfort zone and saying, hey, how are you? Or hey, I'm new here, do you know your way around? It means going out of your comfort zone to ask people questions about themselves. It means going out of your comfort zone to introduce yourself to someone new. And it means going out of your comfort zone to try new things. Because I found the number one difficulty people have in making friends is we are afraid of rejection. We are afraid other people won't like us, so we don't even try. But as we talked about the very beginning of this episode, that is a potentially fatal outlook. You've got to make sure you're making friends. And I can tell you with confidence, it gets easier. Growing up, my parents actually thought I was slightly autistic because I had such a hard time talking to people. I had such a hard time making friends. That's why I originally got into body language so that I could finally look at someone and size up their body language and see what they were really thinking and feeling. And it made a huge difference for me. And at first, there's that rocky patch where you're trying something new. But eventually, I figured things out. And eventually, I've been able to make awesome friends. I've been able to start a business and talk to anyone, anywhere, anytime. I was able to woo and win over my husband. And that was a huge difference for me from just a few years before. When I didn't know what to say to a stranger if we'd been locked in a room for two hours together, I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to start a conversation. I would panic every time I met someone. So I understand that it's scary. I understand that it's hard. But I can promise you I've been there. And I know the way out. And if you watch this video carefully and practice the steps here, it will get easier and easier and easier. So thank you for watching. Please share this with your friends who struggle with making friends. Please share this with someone who seems lonely. And please go out of your way to be kind to the people around you. Go out of your way to be friendly because that will make the biggest difference in not only your health, but in the health and happiness of the people around you. Thank you for watching, everyone. Have a wonderful day.