 The Jack Benny program, transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike. For real smoking enjoyment, nothing. No nothing beats better taste and... Lucky's taste better, cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky's taste better, cleaner, fresher, smoother. For lucky strike means lime tobacco, richer tasting, lime tobacco. Lucky's taste better, cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky strike, lucky strike. Yes, friends, for real deep down smoking enjoyment, nothing. No nothing beats better taste and Lucky's taste better, cleaner, fresher, smoother. Here's why. Lucky's better taste starts with good tasting tobacco, fine, light, naturally mild tobacco. Then too, Lucky's are made better to taste better, to give you a cleaner, fresher, smoother tasting smoke. That's the secret of real smoking enjoyment. Lucky's fine tobacco and a cigarette that's made better to taste better. So be happy, go Lucky. Next time you buy cigarettes, make it a carton of Lucky Strike, because... Lucky's taste better, cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky strike, lucky strike. From the American Legion Hall in Palm Springs, California, the Lucky Strike program, starring Jack Benny, with Mary Livingston Rochester, Dennis Day, Bob Crosby, and yours truly, Dodd Wilson. And as you probably know, our little star is completely recovered from his recent attack of influenza. But his doctors advised him to get a little sunshine and rest. So last Thursday, he got in his Maxwell and had Rochester drive him to Palm Springs. Gosh, Rochester, no matter how many times I make the trip, I still love the ride to Palm Springs. It is beautiful, boss. What town are we passing through now? Cabazon. Are you sure? Are you sure it's Cabazon? Certainly, we've been going through it for the past two hours. I'd like to get to the springs before dark, although we're not making such bad time, considering we had three blowouts. Five. No, no, Rochester, we only had three blowouts. Five. The tire blew out three times, and your hair blew out twice. Oh, yes, the man behind us thought we lost our foxtail. Anyway, we've been passing through some nice scenery. I know so many wineries and miles and miles of vineyards. Yeah, this is the wine country. And you notice the cows, how sleek and fat they are. They look so contented. They're more than contented, they're drunk. Stop making things up, drunken cows. Of all the... Uh-oh. What's the matter? We're almost out of gas, we better stop at the gas station. Oh, all right. Now we have to go through lifting up the seat and everything. Oh, well. I'll drive into the station on the corner. Yes, sir, fill her up. Well, how far are we from Palm Springs now? Seventeen miles. Seventeen miles, huh? Let me see. The altitude here is 3,100 feet. And the altitude of Palm Springs is 270 feet, which is a drop of 2,830 feet. Which for 17 miles would be about three and a quarter percent grade. Now the wind is at our back. But at the pass, it becomes a headwind of about 19 miles an hour. Let me see, put in two and four-tenths gallows. Yes, Mr. Einstein. My name is An Einstein. Oh, yeah, your initials are on the side of the car, PH. Those aren't my initials, they belong to the man I bought the car from. PH, Bob Hope? No, them hers. Never mind, Rochester, just stand up and drive. Now let's get going, we want to arrive at the springs before dark. That was Thursday. Friday was a beautiful day, and Jack really enjoyed it. He visited Murray Levinson at the Park Lane Hotel, and they spent the afternoon around the swimming pool. Gee, the sun feels good, Mary. Yeah, a couple of more hours of this, and we both have beautiful tans. Say, Mary? Yes, Jack? Mary, I'd like to talk to you. What is it? Well, it's a little embarrassing. Oh, for heaven's sake, Jack, what is it? Well, I don't like to mention this, but your bathing suit is awfully snug and skimpy. Well, go in and take it off, I didn't want to let it to you in the first place. Well, I can't help it if Rochester forgot to pack my suit. You think I like wearing yours? I'm going to have to, in awful time, explain my tan to the boys in the steam room. Oh, stop pouting and enjoy yourself. I am enjoying myself. It's a fine town for you to catch a cold in, too. There's one spot I love for vacations, though, it's Palm Springs. Come on, Mary, let's go in the pool. Last one in is a rotten egg. I didn't know Jack could die that well. He hasn't come up yet. I wonder what happened. Hope there's nothing wrong. Gosh, it's been nearly a minute. Breath that long. I better jump in. Oh, good, he's coming up now. Phew! Mary, why didn't you tell me those trunks had no string? The last time I ever wore your suit. Good. And take off my cap, you look like a honeydew melon. Okay, okay, I'm getting out. Oh, it's cold when you get out. Mary, throw me a towel. Okay, here you are. You didn't have to throw it so hard. Help me out of the pool. And on Saturday, feeling full of vim, vigor and vitality, he tried his luck on the tamarisk golf course with Bob Crosby. What do you have on this hole, Bob? I had a par of four. Four? Yes, Jack, four. Hmm. I was sure you took five strokes. Oh, no, my tee shot was right down the middle. Then I used a six iron, was right on the green. My first putt just rimmed the cup and my second putt was there. Yeah, you're right, you did have a four. Well, I guess you win that hole. Why, what'd you have? Twelve. Well, maybe I'll beat you on this next hole. Go ahead, tee off. Okay. Nice shot, Bob. Now stand back, please. I want to make sure it's teed up just right. Well, here I go. Hmm, missed it. Hmm. They're not making the balls as big this year. Stop grinning, you make me nervous. Now here it goes. There, I hit it. Hey, where'd the ball go, Bob? Oh, you sliced it out into the rough. Oh, well, let's go look for it. Yeah, it's a pretty song, Bob. Yeah, I was going to do it on the show. Oh, good, good. Let me hear it now. If I don't find my ball, sing an encore or something, will you? Pretend you're happy when your blue isn't very hard to do. Happiness without an end whenever you pretend. And nothing's bad as it may seem. The little things you haven't got could be if you'd pretend. If you find a love you can share, you'll be there. You'll never be. And if you sing this melody, be pretending just like me. The world is mine, it can be yours, my friends. So why don't you write behind that tree? Say, you got a real bad lie there. Oh, yes. It's about 200 yards to the green. Got to keep it low so I don't hit the branches of the tree there. And I got to get it up high to go over those other trees. Right in front of the green, there's that big sand trap. Bob, what do you think I ought to use? Ben Hogan. It's too light a club for me. Now, you see, gee, I was in the same spot yesterday when I played with Stanley Curtis and George Howard. They're both watching the game, I thought I'd mention them. This tree wasn't directly in the way. I could... Hey, where'd that ball go? You know where it went. You kicked it right out into the fairway. Well, it was an accident. Some accident. The first kick you missed it. Well, it was an accident. I'm going to shoot it from there. Oh, no, you're not. The rules say that if you move a ball, it costs you a stroke and you can't argue with me because I know the rules of God. You know, Bob, this is an amazing coincidence. What's a coincidence? It was exactly this time last year, right here on this course, that my ex-orchestral leader became my ex-orchestral leader because he, too, knew the rules of God. He planned me my three-wood. Where to go? Where to go? Where to go? Well, I don't know, but when we get to the green, just drop a ball in the hole. I've got a wife and five kids to support. Just on the green there. Say, that was a swell shot, Jack. Now, let's walk over to where I am. See, these few days in Palm Springs are doing me a lot of good, Bob. You know, I'll feel great when we do our television show next Sunday. Yeah, and with this tan I've got, I won't need a lot of makeup. Yeah. Here's your ball, Bob. Your shot. Well, all I need is just a little chip. Nice shot, Bob. Right on the green. Come on. Well, we're both on the green and two. Yeah. You putt first, Jack. You're away. Putt. Aren't you going to concede that? Jack, you got an eight-foot putt there. Give me one good reason why I should concede it. I'll give you a six, your wife and five children. That's what Jack did Saturday. But now this is Sunday, the day he does his radio broadcast. And in honor of our locale, today we're going to do a dramatic play based on the historical discovery of Palm Springs. Curtain. Music. Ladies and gentlemen, although for centuries without number, the area around Palm Springs was known and loved by the Indians. It was not discovered by the white man till 1774. It was in this year that the Spaniards pushed through to the desert in California. But the Spaniards, hungry for gold, saw no value in this area and pushed on toward the coast. For nearly another century, Palm Springs remained a sleeping in the sun, a veritable paradise for the Indians of the Awakalyenti tribe. This isn't funny, folks, but up till now, Don has had nothing. Continue, Donzie. In 1853, two intrepid explorers headed west from Texas into the blistering, burning desert. The sun is sure hot today, Tex. Yep. This sand has been in my feet, Tex. I think it's even hotter than it was yesterday, Tex. I reckon you're right, Tex. Well, let's push on, Tex. Right behind you, Tex. One of us should have come from Colorado. Tell you what, Tex, you can call me Slim. Okay, Slim. And I think we're lost in this desert because... Hey, wait a minute. Look, there's a man coming towards us. Oh, yes. Hello there. Buenos dias, mister. Now, look, amigo, we're lost. We've been wandering through this desert heat for days without water or food. Our skins are burned to a crisp on our feet, worn raw. Maybe you can help us. Se hable temprano dias cajuire por tener ataclos. What does that mean? Next time, take the train and relax. Don't be stupid. There's not a train within a thousand miles of here. Yeah, do you live around here? Oh, no, mister. Then what are you doing out here in the desert anyway? I'm looking for my sister, mister. Your sister's lost, eh? When'd she disappear? Last night was when I first missed her. Your sister? Yes, mister. You've been walking through the desert all day? Yes, and on my foot I have a blister. Well, that's too... Mister. Hey, that's sis of yours. Is she beautiful? Yes, you couldn't resist her. Well, maybe you can... Mister. I've had enough of this silly talk. Come on, Tex, let's go. Hey, wait a minute, Slim. Here comes somebody else. What are you, hombres, doing around my neck in the woods? Out of my way, mister. We're cracking onwards. Oh, no, yay. Oh, yes, we are. Be careful, Slim. Be careful. That's Wendy Wilson, the toughest man in these here parts. Wendy Wilson, eh? Well, I'll take care of that. He got me. He got me. And now I'm a dyin'. I'm a-headin' for the big corral up yonder, with a deer in the antelope play on fleecy clouds. Whether ain't no lost little doggies, and a chuck wagon is always filled. Yeah, I'm a-headin' for that big heavenly roundup in the sky. Yes. Oh, my God. Oh, shut up. You had enough to do. Oh, sorry. Come on, Tex. Wait a minute. Here come three guys on horseback. Where? Where? Oh, they will not hurt you, mister. They are my brothers, the Guadalajara trio. They are singers. The Guadalajara trio. Who was that a-plotin'? I don't know. Dig this crazy desert. Sing something, boy. Tom Spring, so long, amigo. Adios, and if I do not see you till then, happy Easter. Thanks. Mister. Tex. Oh, one moment, senor. Now what? I bet you are surprised to meet a Mexican who does not do that silly talk about sigh. Sigh? Nope. And you better go on without me. I can't make it. I'm too tired. I'm too thirsty. My throat is poached and...and...and... Tex, what are you staring at? Look up ahead, there's a pool of clear cold water and a beautiful gal standing beside it. Let's go. You can have the water. Tex, Tex, come back. It's only a mirage. Hello, beautiful. Hi, handsome. Tex, come back. It's a mirage. How about a kiss, sweetie? Okay, cutie, come here. Taking a fool out of yourself. You were standing there, kissing a mirage. Are you sure? Certainly. This plant, what a fool I've been. Yeah. For the past two weeks, I've been walking right by him. Get a grip on yourself. Here, take these last few drops of water out of my canteen. I don't think we have too far to go. We must be getting near Palm Springs now. We've been going through these vineyards for days. Yeah, look, here comes a cow. Mmm. Look, here, we made it. This is Palm Springs. Read a sign on that building. Welcome to Palm Springs. Try your luck at Cactus Peets Gambling Joint and Date Shop. Come on, let's go in. Hi, you fellas. Come on right in. Who are you? I'm Tumble. We test the owner. Oh, hello, Tess. Wait a minute. Hey, Tess, didn't I see you in a mirage before? No, that was my sister, Babe. She's a cactus plant. Tex, I told you. Would you boys like to try your luck gambling? Well, sure. What do you got here? Blackjack, poker, dice, and roulette. I like to play a little roulette. Is it on the level? Are you kidding? That wheel is so crooked we have to have the brakes reliant twice a week. Well, I'm going to play some roulette. Come on, let's go in. All right, gentlemen, how about a little action round here? Pick your number and watch the wheel go round. I'll put five dollars on twenty-eight. That's always been my lucky number. Okay, five dollars on twenty-eight. Five dollars on twenty-eight. It's familiar to me. Haven't I seen you before? Could be in a second in a drunken cow. Ladies and gentlemen, the very best Easter gift of all is the support you give through Easter Seals to children who need your help. These seals provide medical care, nursery centers, and many other things that are needed. So give and give generously to the Easter Seal Agency in your community, or send your contributions to crippled children care of your local post office. Thank you. The cigarette smoker. Nothing, no nothing, beats better taste. And remember... Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. For lucky strike means lime tobacco, richer tasting, lime tobacco. Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky strike, lucky strike. Friends, it stands to reason. The cigarette for you to smoke is the one that tastes better. Because when all is said and done, nothing, no nothing, beats better taste. And Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. You'll agree once you try them, and here's why. Lucky's better taste really begins with fine tobacco. Most anyone can tell you, L-S-M-F-T, lucky strike means fine tobacco. Fine, light, naturally mild tobacco with a wonderful aroma and even better taste. And Lucky's also taste better because they're made better. They're made round and firm and fully packed to draw freely and smoke evenly. To give you a cleaner, fresher, smoother smoke. So get the better taste that fine tobacco and a better made cigarette can give. When you buy cigarettes, ask for a carton of Lucky Strike. Be happy, go lucky, get better taste today. Ladies and gentlemen, this concludes another show from Palm Springs. And Bob, I want to tell you that it was a lot of fun playing golf with you while we were down here. Well, thanks, Jack, but there's something that I wanted to ask you. You know, all the time we were playing, you carried a golf ball in your hand, and yet you never used it. Well, Bob, I never used that ball. You see, it's a memento of my happiest memory in all the years that I've been playing golf. Oh, you made a hole in one with it? No, no, but two years ago at Hillcrest, someone drove that ball off the tee, hit me on the head. I sued and collected $2,000. Good night, folks. Jack Benny program is written by Sam Perron, Milt Josasberg, George Balzer, John Packaberry, and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks. Be sure to hear The American Way with Paulus Height for Lucky Strike every Thursday over this same station. Consult your newspaper for the time. Jack Benny program is brought to you by Lucky Strike, product of the American Tobacco Company, America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes. They see him for the innocent Andy show, which follows immediately on the CBS Radio Network.