 You're listening to highlights from The David Feldman Show, heard nationwide on Pacifica Radio, or as a podcast on iTunes, Stitcher, and now YouTube. Please subscribe to this channel. For more information, go to davidfeldmanshow.com. Thank you for listening. The David Feldman radio program is made possible by listeners like you. You sad pathetic humps. Time once again for Bruce Murnoff, who reports to us from Delray Beach in Florida. Hello, sir. What's happening? Well, it's the July 4th week, and I can't think of a nicer place to be than Florida during the summer. When they invented air conditioning, it became habitable. What's the word? What is the word? Livable. Livable. But before air conditioning, you know, there's a place called the Boca Resort in Boca Raton, and it's a real famous hotel. It's like built in the 20s, so it's got that old, like that Los Angeles Spanish look, and it's just gorgeous. And it was built by this guy Meisner, and there's a lot of things down in Florida named after Meisner. But it shows a picture of him in like a wool suit in the summer. It's like July 18th, you know, 1924, and he's there all shaved with the hair, and you just see the guy. And in those days, they wore wool suits with vests. So the guy's wearing a wool suit and a vest. You just look at the picture and you start to sweat. And you look at the picture. You go, how did these people much less, you know, live down here without air conditioning? But did you watch Boardwalk Empire? I couldn't get into it. My family watched it. You know, I'll tell you something about it. I never liked that show for like three seasons, because whatever it always filmed. It was filmed so dark that you always had a strain to see things. And then something clicked, and I don't know what it was, but I got into it and I wound up loving it. But yeah, it took me like three years of negativity to accept it. Anyway, they did a thing where they would go to Cuba. They were bootleggers or whatever. And they really, they did that. You know, this is before air conditioning and everybody's with a hat, you know, a straw hat and a suit. And they're dancing. So people must have really, you know, you really perspired into your clothing back then, you know. You would think with air conditioning people would dress the way they dress back then. But now even with air conditioning, we're showing more skin. Makes no sense. Yeah. Well, that's just the casualness of society. I mean, I don't know how many people listening are into fashion. I don't know much about fashion. I just kind of like certain things. Like I like suits and I do like really cool shoes. When you look at the suits and the shoes of the 20s, that was one of the best eras of all that. Beautiful, beautiful stuff. And but yeah, people just, I guess after World War Two, this casualness, you know, if you ever watch World War Two documentaries, which I do like every 15 minutes when I'm not on the show with you, you see that right at the end of World War Two, people's hairstyles change everything you went in. Like World War Two, you went in with that look of the 30s with very cropped hair and everything very conservative. And then you popped like 46, 47 women were in bikinis and and had that long, you know, had long hair like those. I'm blanking on those movie stars, but they changed their hairstyles. And then it went back like by 52, 53, it became repressed again. But there was that window from like, I don't know, 46 to 49 where they look like they look like today. They look like the early 60s then is what they look like. I think there was a lot of sex after the war, kind of like after World War One and the flappers and the roaring trunnies. I think people came back from the war and there was a lot of sex. You know, you're right. A lot of this begins with the haircuts and everything is on the VJ parade. I was watching that the other day in Times Square. And yeah, well, the men were still in the service. So I guess their hair was still military cut. But the women, yes, that's when they they they just had this cool look all of a sudden. Oh, it's the PBS thing I was watching though by Ken Burns. Right. And it shows that, yeah, it just like almost happened overnight where they got really cool looking. Well, by our standards, sex really took off in the 70s, not the 60s. And I think after the Vietnam War, disco and sex and cocaine. So right, if you want to have sex, get your country into a war. And then there's about a two year window where everybody has sex. Yeah, that will help. I guess because they see so much death and so yeah, just so much death, they want to see more life and produce people. Speaking of sex. Yes, you and I share Eric Weber. I interviewed Eric Weber when I when I was going to college, there was a radio station. Yeah. And they played jazz and they had professors. And my friend Andy Kaplow ran the station. It's very highbrow radio station. And I got to host book notes. They would interview people who wrote books about Joyce. People who wrote books about Lionel Trilling. And one week I hosted and I brought in Eric Weber for book notes. And boy were people pissed off that I interviewed Eric Weber. Tell everybody who Eric Weber is. Well, Eric Weber wrote this book called How to Pick Up Girl. And I believe he wrote this book. I don't know. Maybe the 80s. No, it was the 80s. It was the 80s. No, no, no. I got the book in 1980s. So he couldn't have written it then. He had to have written it somewhere in the late, let's say 75 or something, whatever. And I had moved to LA in 1978. And I was like a nerdy kind of guy. And I just couldn't get women to like me. And then I went and moved to like the hippest place on earth where you got to be producing something for a woman in order for them to be attracted to you. And I wasn't. I was like a loser with no act. And it was hard for me to, you know, to even get on stage. And my whole life was to be a comedian. And I couldn't get a girl to look at me. And I had no experience. I was, I didn't have my first sexual experience till I was like 19 or 20, no, 20 actually. So I was really, I was really hurting. I had an amazing sex libido like every guy does. And I couldn't do anything about it. I was so dejected. And I had one of those, you know, dirty magazines and I was opening it up. And, you know, it always opens to the back. And there was that ad, you know, how to pick up girls. Hey, guys, you know, we can change you. And, you know, everybody sees that and everyone ignores it. But I guess I had reached a nadir of my life. And I said, I got a try. So I mailed away for it. And it's so funny. I'll never forget this. I wrote a check. I think the book was 1295 in 1980. I mailed the check. I think it was like on a Monday and it had to go to New Jersey. I think that's where the press house was. And I can't, I think like Tuesday afternoon it came. It came like in nine hours. And this is before federal expression. I just can't, I just never got something in the mail so quick in 1980. I just remember going, man, that was quick. Holy mackerel. So it's a good thing it wasn't had a cure premature ejaculation. So I get the book. And I read it. And it's so fundamental. It's so like, you know, ABC. And it's written like, like talking to a moron. But you know, you know what it's like? It's like talking to a guy in the army who is going to operate an M 60 machine gun. So you have to go, this is a very dangerous weapon. Be very careful. But it's going to kill lots of people. So here we go, you know, and put the bullet in. Don't aim it at your foot. So it's like, and you're going like, I know what a gun is. Hey, I can put a bullet. And yet this has to, but, you know, but, but people go and they shoot each other all the time. So this is, you have to. So every guy thinks he can, you know, talk to women or say what women want to hear. And this book, it was incredible. It was so idiotic and simple. And yet everything you read in it, you go, Oh, geez. Yeah. You know, and you put everything together. I don't know how deep you want to go with this. You want to know some other thing. I mean, he would say, like he would talk about grooming, you know, like shave. And I go, I don't have to worry about that. I mean, I know how to shave. And I like, you know, and I wear clean clothing, but there are so many. But one of the biggest things was smile. You're picking up a girl. I think that was one of the chapters or one of the headings that he had. And it's like when a guy is trying to meet women, it's so serious to him. He's just so. Well, wait a second. Wait a minute. I'm thinking about this for a second. Yeah. He wrote the book in the 70s. How hard was it to pick up girls in the 70s? Well, if, how hard is it? It's, let me explain it very hard. It's hard for you. Even in the 70s? Yeah. I mean, there are certain guys that have it or there are certain guys that can get liquored up and seem like to be the, you know, the life of the party. But I would say 97% of other men aren't that way. And especially when you meet a woman, your emotional heartstrings are being pulled, your insecurities as a human being, everything that you don't think about. And that's what these books talk about. And you have, you can lose it. We have a mutual friend. I can't mention his name, but he's the greatest guy. This guy's 64 years old, and he still chases after 18-year-olds. But the funny thing about him is he's always immaculately dressed and he's a very secure guy and he's a very aggressive, well-spoken gentleman. But when he sees a woman, he loses it. He gets like Tourette's syndrome. He starts to tweak and he says stupid things and he comes off like a first-class idiot within eight seconds. And his defense mechanism, instead of using humor and he's a genius at humor, is he insults people. So he's trying to hit. He's insulting a woman. He's trying to get the like of her. He's insulting her. He's practicing. And he's like, look at him. I'm like, who in the blank are you? And his guy's 64. He hasn't figured it out yet. He should read this book. So I'm reading this book in 1998. I'm going, yeah, I don't smile. I'm so serious about trying to meet a girl and you got to have fun and you got to, before you walk into the place where the women are, like a bar in those days or at a party, tell yourself a joke, always be smiling. And if the girl is beautiful, these are all such simple things, but when you put it all together, it's amazing. So it worked. It worked. Well, I'll get to that. So I read the whole, and I'm making marion, I'm making notes and the whole thing. And then at the end of the book, it says you must go out and practice this formula for 30 days. It will, I guarantee you, I think you had a money back guarantee on the book. I guarantee you this book will work or your money back, whatever. So I started and practiced. And again, I know we have a lot of liberated people listening. So I apologize if there's liberated women listening, but 20, like 40... By the way, liberated very up to date term. Very... What's the word I'm looking for then? A human. All right. Thank you. Whatever it is, any of you pissed off women are not going to like this. But within like 24 days, I met this blonde at the improv. Her name was Candy. She was so hot. I'd never in my life thought I could ever be with a woman like this. And I did everything you're supposed to do. And I was making love to her. Listen to this. Beverly Hills on the roof of her condo building. And now this is what you'll... Because we left after the improv. So it's like about 1.45, 2 a.m. on a Sunday night. And we're outside on the roof in Beverly Hills making love. And I'm like, looking up, thank you. Thank you, God. Thank you, everyone. And you hear in Beverly Hills, you can't park overnight from 2.30 to 5 a.m. You get like a $150 ticket. So while I'm in the middle of making love to this woman, I hear the scooter that goes that gives you the ticket. And I go, I'm getting a ticket. I go, this is the most worth it ticket. And I look up again. I said, thank you, God. It was the best $125 I ever got fined for. And it was sensational. Absolutely textbook. And ever since then... So the book works. That woman, Candy, the weirdest thing. I tried calling her like a few weeks. I saw her like eight months. She never went out with me again. It was just one of those things. Then I saw her like eight months later and she had turned into a lesbian. And she changed her name to Brian. Just the craziest thing I had ever experienced in my life. Because she was like a hotty-hot-hot. You would not expect her to become a lesbian and change her name to Brian. And this was like, and I'm 20... What am I, 22? I'm 24. I'm 24 years old. And I don't know people changing their gender and names. You're a hot babe. What do you got to become a lesbian for? They're not known for being hot. They look like Joe Friday and Bill... What are you doing? Joe Friday. And I couldn't figure things out back then. But yeah, that was... Yeah, Brian. And that was it. I saw her maybe one or two... I didn't go out with her because she was a lesbian, but I saw her at the improv and that was that. But that was... 28 days into the book, every day you practiced. Eric Weber. If you're listening, you changed my life. And... And candies. You changed her into Brian. We changed that. We changed genders. Yeah, Candy thinks you too. Or Brian. Yes, Brian, thanks you. I ran into Eric Weber at a film festival. I was emceeing the Sonoma Film Festival. Yeah. I don't know, about 10 years ago. And this guy named Eric Weber is sitting in the audience and he's a movie producer. And I walk up to him and he's wearing a suit and he looks all Hollywood. I say, are you Eric Weber? From how to pick up girls? And he looks around. He goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm a movie producer now. Wow. So he says to be nice. There's the other theory. I'm gonna look him up and send him like a thank you card. I did not know that he was still active. There's the game. That's the new thing. The game. Well, penetrating the secret society of pickup artists. And that I don't know. Well, let's fast forward. Then there was a guy named Ross Jeffries in LA who's like a tall, he actually a similar look to me, a tall, skinny, Jewishy looking fellow. And, you know, not a horrible looking guy, but not, but, you know, along the lines that he looks like that guy. What's that character's name from that show Saved by the Bell? What was that guy's name? Screech. Screech. Like a older Screech type of guy. And he had these seminars. He would have them at the, I think he still does maybe. I don't know, but he would have them like at the LAX Hilton, because people would fly in. He had, this was before computers, but he had cassette tapes. He had manuals. And he would have these like weekend seminars. And he was powerful. The difference between him and Eric Weber was Eric Weber was like a lighthearted romp. You know, here's how you meet girls. What you do with them after you meet them, he didn't exactly go on to that. He didn't, you know, he didn't, but Eric Weber is like a guy. Not Eric Weber, the other guy. No, excuse me. Sorry. Ross Jeffries is like a guy who stands at his bed post with a giant machete Jim Bowie knife and goes, okay, one just left. Let's make the notch. All right, get a close-up. We're making a notch. Wow, the notch is going in. Let's make it longer. We're gonna make a long notch today. That's the difference between him and Eric Weber. But this guy, what Ross Jeffries was, was after a while, this, this, you know, this pickup thing. Whoever says, did you go to Ross Jeffries? I think I did. But I used to watch his videos. So I can't remember if I actually went. Yes, I was there. Here's where I was. I was there for Russia. Oh, no. It's worse. He used to have this rabbi. I used to have. Schwartz, we just lost Schwartz. I know, I know. May he rest in peace. He was a great. But he used to have his Russia shut up. Services at the LAX. So I'm going, so you take the bra and you pull the bra. Oh, my God. That's what, oh, is that unbelievable. But if I remember Schwartz, after the services, he can walk up to you and go, so did you learn anything about picking up chicks? Oh. Oh. Oh. So Eric, Eric. So Ross Jeffrey, Oprah, and he had like a man. He's an interesting character. I don't know. I never met him personally. I just was in the back of the room watching him. But here's his thing. What happened was this Eric Webber technique works, you know, in real live America, you know, hi, my name is Sonya. Let's go out and let's see where it goes. But what happened was Ross Jeffries, I think was an LA native or at least he spent a lot of time and he dealt with these cuckoos. The girls in LA, I'm sure they're that way all around America now because all the girls watch TV and they watch, they emulate these actresses and they do what they do. But at the time, let's say like the late 80s, early 90s, women were, you know, with like, you know, can I have your phone number? No, you give me your number. Or can I have your phone number and they give you like a voicemail. So nothing worked a traditional way. I would call a woman and go, hi, my name is Bruce. I met you the other night. Here's my number, call me back in. See, it would just be these terrible dances back and forth. So Ross Jeffries had like a gorilla style and teaching you how to, like if you'd meet a girl like, I'll give you an example. If you meet a girl like at a bar and you have a great conversation and you know, you say, I'd like to see you again, man, I have your number. And a girl would say, no, give me your number, right? So that you have to identify. That girl is not going to give you her number and you probably have no future with her. So you give it right back to her and say, with a smile, no, thank you. I don't work that way or however you get that. And then what that does is jostle them to where they go, oh my God, this guy isn't like all the rest. And now they either want you or they say no and everybody lives to see another day. So he was like, he taught you how to get around modern technology and modern group think that was developing through, I guess, the MTV mentality or whatever it was on at the time. But he was, like I said, he was more into like numbers and you gotta, they're nothing but a, you know, I'll tell you who he is, the character in Magnolia. I was just going to say the Tom Cruise character. Tom Cruise. The power of the, you know what? He just uses the dirty words to refer to women. So, you know, he didn't have to do that, but he did do that. And so he would be, you'd have to have security. You know, you'd get a couple of women there, you know, just trying to barge in and tell them, you know, all these, you know, just yelling at them and wishing them death and all this stuff. So yes, that was that other guy. So those are the two people I got versed with. And then I, you know, I mean, I, whatever, I went my way, but now I just, for the heck of it, like what you're talking about, it blossomed in the late 90s and all through the 2000s into, I can't believe, first of all, there's 500 books now where there was just one, there's 500. And how many ways can you say, smile, you're picking up a girl? I mean, how many way, how many books do you need to say, be a nice person and be genuine and try not to say. But I don't think that's the new theory. The new theory is, you know, it's like going into the bank asking for a loan. You have to look like you don't need it. The whole thing. You always have to do that. Yeah. So the whole thing is to act cool, detached. And then if you're really into a woman, according to the game, which I'm embarrassed to say, I've read, I can't put it into practice. I've seen somebody try it and it's disgusting. I mean that. It works. That's why. Well, okay. Where you nag the woman. You what? You nag the woman. It's called nagging. Okay, I don't know about that. So you meet a woman and you're attracted to her and she's with her friend. What you do is you chat up her friend and make the woman you're attracted to jealous. Then you kind of ease into a conversation with her and then nag her. Say something about. Oh, negative. Something negative. Oh, yeah. Come on. This is page two. Eric Weber. He didn't say. He didn't. Eric Weber didn't say to do that. Here's what you do. Here's what you do. Here you go. I mean, this is why these books are so idiotic. It's just reinventing the ball every page. It's the same thing. You go to like to meet girls. You go to cosmetic counters. This is what you did in the 70s and 80s. And let's say the girl is six feet tall, beautiful blonde hair and absolutely gorgeous. Well, you can't tell her. You can't ever make a joke about being tall because she hears that from every jerk. Remember, you don't want to be a jerk. This is where your negging comes from. So you go, oh, thank you for my boy. I'm new. I'm working at a comedy club. Whatever it is, you start the conversation with her, but you never tell her that she's tall. You never make a joke about that because every idiot tells her, hey, how's the weather up there? What size shoe are you? You never say anything like that. And then you never tell them that they're beautiful because, again, hey, you're prettier than Miss Crabtree. It's that whole idiotic thing. So what you do is you'd be real nice to them and then you slightly put them down in a very like, why do you have that color toenail polish? I'm just curious. That's how you do it. Jesus, that's evil. I know. I couldn't do that. I know, but this is what you do. Listen, hopefully you don't do it very long. You meet a girl, you get married, and you live happily ever after. But this is how you got to meet women. Pretty women, if that's what you're looking for, are inundated every day by a gazillion guys and you have to be different. The game playing, though, the game playing is exhausting. It's exhausting. Not really. I'm not into sports. You know, to me, I'm going to go to the gym after we record. I'm going to get on a treadmill and I'm going to run for an hour. I'm not competing against anybody. I want to get my cardio going. Same thing with sex. Right, but you're a 60-plus-year-old man. I'm not 60-plus yet. I'm almost. I am. I'm 60, and I agree with you. But this is not how I felt when I was 25 years old. It's different. I never played games with women. I didn't. I begged. I begged them. That's not a game. That doesn't work. That's terrible. I think sports is ruining our culture. I think everything's a competition now, and love is now a sport. Instead of just finding someone and settling down and getting on with your life and having sex and caring for one another, constant games. I don't know if that's... I'm out of it now. I don't hit on women anymore. I've never gotten married, and I'm very content being a solitary man. Have you ever gotten laid, as they say, nagging a woman, putting her down? You gots to do what you gots to do? Can we just stop for one second? No, not stop your show, but I just remind me of the way I said it. Do you remember Dirty Harry? You've seen Dirty Harry. Every guy listening has seen Dirty Harry, like the Bible. So 10 minutes in, there's that bank robbery scene, which is the most famous scene. Do I have six bullets in the gun or five? What do you think? Do you feel lucky? The black guy that he says that to, he goes, I know what you're thinking. Did I fire six shots? And then the black guy takes his hand away from the gun, and then Clint Eastwood kicks the gun and starts to walk away, and the black guy goes, I gots to know. And then Clint Eastwood turns around, pulls the trigger, and it was an empty chamber. And he goes, son of a bitch. If you've seen that scene 12 million times, that guy is indelibly printed in your brain. So that's 1971, I believe that movie was done, or 70 or 70, I'm not sure. Anyway, it's now 1999, and I'm on a commercial audition for beer. I think I told you this story, didn't I? No. And they want goofy guys and black men. So that's the call. So you got goofy guys like me and black guys, and any kind of black guy, that was like the whatever it was. So it was guys having a good time. So I walk in, there's only two people at the audition, and there's the guy. And it's all these years later, and I'm sitting there, and I can't study the lines, because I'm just looking at him, go that's the guy, gots to know guy. I can't believe there is. It's one of my favorite films. So like an idiot, like a moron. This is a professional gig, and I go up and go, I'm sorry to interrupt you, but are you the I gots to know guy? And he like looks up from his script, and he goes, very sweet. He goes, yes, that's me, shakes my hand. How did you know? And I go, I love that movie. I mean, yeah, I can't ever get that look of your face out of my brain. And I go, people must bug you like this all the time. He goes, no, no, but thank you for recognizing. I want to go back to the script. I go, no problem. And I look and I'm reading the script. And now another guy signs in and he goes and he sits next to me and he's going over his lines. He gets up, he walks up to the guy and goes, excuse me, I don't want to bother you, but are you good? The I gots to know guy. So basically this guy gets the, are you the I gots to know guy? Every day he passed away a few years ago, but he must have gotten that everywhere he went. And I looked him up on IDMB. He's only in, he's in another Clint Eastwood film where I think he's got again one line. So this guy may be in his life in movies, got three lines, three lines more than me, but three lines and he, you know, he's absolutely recognizable to any American guy, you know, for, for decades, for, yeah, for 40, 50 years. That while. Tell me about Archie Bunker. I can go back to that, I can go back to that story. I want to talk about Archie Bunker. Okay. Or unless you have something, did you forget something? Well, I mean, the girl thing is endless. I mean, you go, you asked me, I'll tell you Archie Bunker. Well, no, tell me about the girls. You ask, I asked you if you, if you got something, I gots to know. If I neg, no, if I negged girls in your term, if I did the, you know, the saying something out of left field to startle them. And the answer was yes. And yeah, I mean, that's that's what you got. That's what you do. I mean, it's a cruel world out there. But if one boy meets girl, if you aren't blessed with, if you aren't blessed with overt good looks or what women overtly want, then you got to really fight harder. You have to be mean to them. No, it's not that mean to them. You just have to catch them off guard. Again, every guy goes up to a woman. You're the most beautiful Miss Crabtree. I'm in love with you Miss Crabtree. Miss McGillicuddy was nothing compared to you. I mean, it's just like you just become a little rascal and you just melt in front of a, you remember, oh, Miss Crabtree. And I think of you, oh, Norm. Oh, Chubsy-ubsy. You remember that whole thing. I mean, that's what little rascals. Yeah. That's what every guy is all about. It's just like, you know, being infatuated with, with whoever, whoever they are with at the time. So anyway, you have. So women don't like that. Women don't want. Women don't respect somebody who can't think straight around them. Listen, it's the age old thing. When you see bikers with a hot babe strapped them and these guys are obviously, they could be good souls, but they're cruel guys. They're violent, whatever they involved in things. Or gangsters. When you see these gang rappers on television and they've got beautiful women. Come on, we know all. I mean, that, that's out in the public. Everyone knows that women like bad boys. That's, that's not even a thought. So if you have any kind of, look at this guy with the, the, the, the, that model guy, the guy that was in prison with the mug shot. He's in the news now, you know, and he's going out with a billionaire. He's going out with a billionaire hot looking chick from England. And this guy's married. It's not even that he's gotten divorced. He's married with children. He's such a bad guy. He's with her and she can't wait to play with him with the billions of dollars. It's the world is a, you know, boy girl. It's, it's kooky. When you're around a woman and you're aroused and you can't talk and your head is spinning and you're trying to pretend you know what you're doing. That's where these books come in. Women don't find that as a compliment. Don't find what is a compliment. That you're weak at the knees. Of course not. No, no, you're like a, you're like a dish rag. You're like all the other idiots that you're not interesting. You're not keeping, you're not making them laugh. You're not. So women are accustomed to guys just being like that all the time. It's Darwinism. You know, there, we are here. Men are here to propagate and to fathers. I'm not talking about now. I'm talking about, you know, as a biological species, they're here to pro-generate. Is that the word pro-generate? Whatever. I would think that a woman, why wouldn't a woman want to select the best genes for their, for their, for their children? That's kind of why, how Woody Allen, why those movies were so funny because here he was winning over these drop dead gorgeous women that would normally would not like a guy like that, but he was using his intellect and his humor and getting, and getting what he wanted because they're there because that that is his strength and that's his genius. And women want, they, they are there to, you know, to produce good offspring, powerful. There's all different adjectives that it doesn't mean you want a good looking man. It's not all about good looks. It's about power. It's about the way someone carries themselves. So power, they know all this. Powerful sperm and good offspring come from a man who's not completely into you. Is that what you're saying? I guess so. Whatever you want to look at it. We need four hours and I would need to go over my notes and remember all this stuff, but this is just biology. You don't, you know. So telling a, wait a second. Go back to Vikings. Go back to Vikings. Go back to people like where they had to conquer other people. You know, you didn't go for the guy who was sitting drooling in the corner. He should tie his moccasins. You didn't go for it. I think I want to have children with that idiot over there, but there's Lars. Lars is six foot two. He takes the sword and chops off 15 heads in 12 seconds. That's who I want. I want Lars. I don't want the Lenny in the corner. She's David and he asked me such stupid questions. Women complain, but women complain. He's rude. He doesn't look at Derek Jeter. Derek Jeter is married to that woman. I can't remember her name, but I'm a big Yankee fan. I can't remember her name. She's a big actress and she's tall and she's gorgeous. And he's tall. He's handsome and he's Derek Jeter. So you got these two great people and they're having a baby. You know, I mean, that's, you know, they're like pulled towards each other. You know, I mean, I'm not talking like in a eugenics way. I'm just saying this is like these people have a good shot of having good offspring except for stand up comedians stand up comedians when they have children who then want to be stand up comedians. Big problem. Why? Why? Because generally they don't succeed. Stand up comedy is one of those qualities. You know, even acting, Henry Fonda had the two kids and they could act. Maybe I think he had another one or the grandson's an actor too. But stand up comedy, it's so difficult for the children of stand ups. And you know, we know a lot of them to achieve what their fathers did. Or they're much more successful. So, okay, we'll move on. I'm going to get to Archie Bunker and then we'll wrap it up. I'm not more successful. Yeah, I know. But generally... Just saying to a woman, I'm not like the other guys. I'll worship you. I'll be kind. I'll be considerate. We'll have sex. I'll make sure you have an orgasm. I'll take care of you. I won't leave. I'll be here in the morning. Already I'm beginning to hate myself and be clingy. It's too clingy, right? I don't know about that. But let's go into this fact, okay? You know the expression, the best go first, okay? There is a percentage of the population, okay? That are okay. They've been blessed psychically or psychologically. They're okay. They're good people. They come from a solid foundation. They don't have a history of drug addiction or alcoholism. They're intelligent. They're solid citizens. And I have to say, like this problem... I can't even give you a percentage, but let's say it's probably like 50... More than 50% of people are good, good people. You know, they're just out there. They're quiet. You don't see them. They just do their thing. They can be in any job, any social position, everything. And they find each other. They find each other in a college. And because they're not neurotic, they're not driven. They're not... I don't mean driven. They're just not driven in a negative way. They're good people. And they find each other, okay? Then that leaves everybody else. Everybody else is demented. They have problems. They have insecurity issues. They have drug issues. They have father issues if they're a woman. They have mother issues if they're a boy. And all these things start to twist. And the longer you don't commit and the longer you remain single, these deviations become the norm for that person. So you're dealing with walking wounded. And so these books are for the walking wounded. How to get laid through all this nonsense, you know? I think I'm fine. I think it's a car ride at night dating. I'm driving. Yeah. And it's dark. But my headlights are working. And we get to a winding road. And she says, turn the lights off. What lights? Turn your headlights off. But it's a wide... Turn them off. They're crazy. I'm normal. I'm just trying to get the car into the garage, so to speak. And the women I tend to meet are a little... They like the drama. They want it scary and dangerous. And I'm thinking, can't we just have a quiet evening and not crash the car? Right. Again, this is human nature. It's... I'm not a doctor. I know this is a radio program, so I just can't sit here and speculate so much because these are not facts. These are just based on my relationships with people, with thousands and thousands of people being a social person that I am. But yeah, people are whacked out. But I'm just telling you, on the flip side of the coin, there are normal people. You just never hear of them. My sister is like such a normal person. She lives a few blocks from you in New York. Got married young. That's it. Kids. She's a hard worker. She's like a woman's liver. She's a vice president of a corporate... My sister is a solid... If you were to put my sister and I in a room, it'd be like, you know, what's wrong with this picture in the arrow? Be pointing at me because I... What's wrong? So I'm not... I don't know from those people. They're good, solid people. We don't... You don't hear about them because they're... That's what God or whatever want people to be like. Not like the whack jobs like us. So tell me the Archie Bunker story. I love this story. I haven't heard it. Can I just tell you one more story? Yes. Yes. This thing worked for me this... I went out with a lot of women and I got... I was with some very beautiful women. I should never have ever, ever been with. But because I was a performer and you go on, you know, you're in Portland, Oregon and you've got this effervescent person. First of all, a sense of humor is an unbelievable aphrodisiac. And I make jokes about it in my act. But the bottom line is it's unbelievable. It's the only thing more, I guess is rock musician or a baseball player. And what's funny about rock musicians and baseball players is rock musicians want to be comedians and baseball players want to be rock stars. Because I've met baseball players and rock stars and they all... It's all interchangeable. I want to be a baseball player. George Thurgood, you know who he is? The destroyers. Very nice guy. He wants to be a comedian. But those three professions are the big girl getting professions. And he married Marla, who used to hang around at the improv and she was an artist, I forget. But they're married for a zillion years. Children, the whole thing. But yes, they all want to be comedians. Anyway. It's six o'clock. It's six o'clock. I have it set to Australian voice. So it tells me in an Australian accent. Tell me about the... Archie Bunker. Archie Bunker. All right, all right. Go ahead, go ahead. For another time, we'll talk about the psychiatrist then. Now tell me about the psychiatrist. Go ahead. So I met... I'm telling you, I did not deserve some of these women. I met this woman, 1999. She was a psychologist in Los Angeles. One of these women, they use her on television with a sister sleeping with the father, who's sleeping with the uncle. And then they have the... What was that guy? The bald black guy with the marijuana? Montel Williams? They were all the Jenny Jones. She was on all those shows. And trying to get... Anyway, she was so phenomenal. Oh, she beautiful. She looked like Meg Ryan. Just like Meg Ryan. But she had very large breasts on top of it. And she was so beautiful. I couldn't believe this woman wanted to be with me. But she liked me. And the funny thing is, I've dated psychologists before. They're crazier than their patients. That's the irony of it all. But we would be on a date. And I'd just be... I'd just be staring at her going, I can't believe I'm with this woman. It's phenomenal. How is this possible? This is unbelievable. And she'd be going, you know, Bruce, we've been together now a couple of weeks. And I can't help but use my opinion. But I think you have attention deficit disorder. And I would sit there and go, Deborah, you're absolutely right. And then under my breath, I'm going, when I take you home, I'm going to rip that bra off with my teeth. I'm going to jump on you like a gorilla. And she goes, I'm going to send you to my psychiatrist friend. He's going to put you on medication. Oh, no problem. I did whatever she said. So two days later, I'm at a psychiatrist's office and Deborah thinks you have a... I said, my girlfriend thinks I have ADD. Well, do you have a... Do you think about a lot of things? Yeah. And the next thing I know, the guy's writing me a prescription for Ritalin. This is a hardcore, I don't know if your listeners know. It's like a speedy kind of a thing. And that's not good for me. I don't like to be speedy. I like sleeping a lot. Anyway, this guy gives me Ritalin. And I go, I'll give it a shot. I take one Ritalin. Three days later, I haven't gone to bed yet. I've cleaned my apartment with like a toothbrush, like you do in prison cells. And I'm like, what is this? Turn me into... I'm like, oh my God. So I flush the Ritalin down the toilet. That's the end of it. But Deborah, like, you know, a week and a half later, and I tell her, you know, I don't think that worked for me. And she goes, you know, I've been thinking about it. You know, you're right. I don't think you have ADT. I think you have obsessive compulsive disorder. And I looked at her and I said, you know, it takes a genius like you to figure this out. And then I'm going, tonight, I'm going to pull those panties down. It's going to cause friction marks. I'm going to jump on you. And, you know, and next thing I know, I'm in another psychiatrist. I know my girlfriend thinks I have obsessive compulsive disorder. Well, what are the things that she did? I don't know. But this is what she says. Let's get it over with. And he gives me a prescription for something called Afexor. And this is like, what's that stuff? Prozac. Is it prozac? Yeah. It's like a prozac thing. This is for people. God bless them that need it. But I'm just taking it because I'm just trying to get laid here, you know. And the thing was like four pills a day. So it was, I think 150 pills. And the Walgreens said, we only have 75. We're going to give you 75 today. And then tomorrow we'll have the other 75. Go look, I can't go through. Don't worry about it. I go home and it says take the pill at 10 o'clock at night. I take that pill at 10 o'clock at night at 11 o'clock. That an hour later, I don't know what I've taken, but it isn't good. It's turned me, I still to this day can't describe what I felt. I felt like inside out. I was like, I felt like I was on the wall looking down at me. It was the weirdest thing. So obviously to the toilet. And I flushed the 74 pills down the toilet into the, into the Los Angeles water system. And then I get a call the next day from Walgreens. Your other 75 pills are ready. I go, I don't want them. I go, but by law you've been prescribed them. They're yours. You have to pick them up. We don't care what you're doing. So I went to Walgreens. I picked up the pills and I threw them into the, into the gutter out in front of the store. That's it. And when did you break up with Deborah? Well, then she was admitted to a mental institution. They took her away. So that was the end of her. No, seriously. Was she admitted into a mental institution? No. You know what? I want to get a laugh. I say that. But, I love, you know, I still think she was great. And, you know, but again, I'm not, I don't really want to go on. I like telling that part of the story because of the fun part, the funniness of it. But I do think she's a great girl and she's with somebody now and I wish them the best. But, you know, I'm just a, whatever I am. I like, like the Neil Diamond song. I'm a solitary man and I love my life. So now you want the Archie Bunker. Now, well, the next time you come on, we'll do the Archie Bunker. Okay. All right. Do you worry about being alone? It's, this is the greatest thing in mankind. And I know a lot of people, I have friends, these 60-year-old guys who live in fear of being alone. And yet, they try to meet women and you think they're trying to meet 58-year-old women so that they can be normal and live old together? No. These idiots that are afraid of being alone are trying to meet like 28-year-old women that need a green card that they think are going to go out and get a 24-hour-a-day job. These guys are so crazy. So I feel that I have processed everything. I mean, I've, I overdid it with the women and I never had a long-term relationship and I've become like a selfish, selfish human being. I'm as bad as, you know, let's go back one second on these pickup books. We make the jokes and we make the laughter, but they really do work. The problem is they should all come with a warning that if you practice this form of lifestyle, you pretty much can never settle down because you're always going to be looking for something else and then, and you look at women, you value women less than you, then you shouldn't, you should. You look at the more like an object or a toy than you do as a human being and a loving... Wait, wait. I'm not listening to that part. They really do work? These books work? I told you they work. We've been spending an hour... You know, I have to say... They really work? I have to say that... I would show you my bed post, but it fell apart before all the nachos just disintegrated. I will admit this, looking back, looking back, I was reading the game and I was with a friend and we went on a double date and he negged this woman and it worked. Yeah, of course. What I resent... It's horrible. It's horrible. I resent all these guys that stole Eric Weber. You know, it's just a basic book and all these guys read his book and they all wrote a book based on it. I mean, everybody, the relationships, people do that. There was this woman. Do you ever go to Pat Allen, Dr. Pat Allen in LA? She's still... If she's still functioning, she's still... She's got to be in her mid-80s now. She's wonderful. She had the best Monday night seminars in LA. Who's Dr. Pat Allen? She's the greatest. She's been running if she's still around. I mean, just purely by age, if that has tired her out. She's a psychologist who wrote books on women who want to get married and how to stop their nonsense and how to filter through all the nonsense and really meet someone of substance and basically stay away from people like myself. That was her whole thing and she used to do these at theaters in LA on Monday nights and I don't think I ever missed one. She had them every week, 52 weeks a year. Even if it was on Christmas Eve, there would be a Pat Allen meeting and it was always fun because these were real people. No one used their last name. It was like an anonymous meeting and they were like studio executives. There were all these... It was mostly women. It was like an 80-20 ratio and these people were like, Pat, yes, I did it again. What happened, sweetheart? Well, you know, I run... They don't mention the studio. What I make, I make $19 million a year. I met these guys at the beach, his long hair and I can't get them off my couch and he's so good-looking. Pat and Pat, we talked about this two weeks ago. You're supposed to get rid of them and you say, until you bring ring, that's her big thing, until you bring me a ring, we can't commit. I know but he's so good-looking because what happens in Los Angeles and people power... So, wait a second. She's teaching girls, women, ladies how to get married. Yes. I see. These folks getting to I do. It's her famous book. But why are you there? This is for women. Because my act was all about relationships. They allow men to show up? Sure, sure. I mean, men have issues too. Men would get up and talk to her too because men, not every guy was a bad guy like me. They were good, solid guys who were getting run around. Oh, it's the greatest. If it's still going on, anyone who lives in the LA area, just find out where it is, Dr. Pat Allen. But first of all, you know that matchmaker, that millionaire matchmaker TV show? That girl, I think she gives credit to Pat Allen but everything she does on that show is all taken from going to her seminars and all her little shtick. And yeah, it was some... Because you would laugh. You would watch these people that you could never... Would everybody laugh or are you just laughing to yourself? No, because people would go up there and you would see this woman dressed in her St. John suit and she says, I run a studio. Anyone who... A woman who's running a movie producer in Los Angeles or a network producer, just these very powerful women who happen to be drop dead, gorgeous, and they're idiots. They're as bad as everybody and here they are making decisions. They're going to make this film, we'll put the nero. No, Al Pacino. This is what they're doing and then they're going home. Bob, he's in the living room on my couch. And I told him he had to leave, but look at his hair. He has such beautiful hair. I bounced quarters off his ribs. You know, and they were just as screwed up as these men who fall for a 19 year old star. It's wild and no one learns. No one figures it out. So they just come back so it's pure comedy. It's just insanity. But you'd see the most powerful people in Los Angeles that can't figure it out. And you know, we were all in the same boat. And then people kind of like team up and go, hey, let's go to Louisa's for dinner. Because the seminars are like from 7 to 8.30. And everybody's enlightened because you laugh and you, I'm going to be a better person after I went to this thing. And then it's like being, you know, and you go and you bond or whatever. It was great. That's one. That and Sushi House in West LA, I think those are an El Pollo loco. Those are about the only three things I miss about LA and Astro Burger. So four things. But that was Pat Allen. I mean, God, if I could go with, you know, like a transporter, I would go every Monday still to LA to go to her lectures. There's so much fun. Jimmy Lee Wirt and I, Jimmy Lee Wirt works on this show. When we would tape at KPFK, we'd head home and stop off at Astro Burger because they have vegan fare. Yeah, they do. And I would pig out at Astro Burger. And I never felt sick the next day because it was just a clean veggie burger. It was all clean. I never got sick on their hamburger. Astro Burger, that cheeseburger bacon. No, not bacon, the chili cheeseburger with well done fries. Wow. You know, here in Florida, there's some decent hamburger places, but Astro Burger, I liked it even. I like Fat Burger, but Astro Burger, it's still good. I went to LA earlier this year and I went there and did not disappoint me. It's still great. And you don't disappoint me. Bruce Smirnoff, I'll talk to you next week. Bye-bye, pal. Happy Fourth of July. The David Feldman Radio Program is made possible by listeners like you. You sad, pathetic humps.