 Personal responsibility on the road to restoration and you know one of them when we sat down and we thought about this conference wanting it to be as practical for you as possible as helpful to you as possible and we've talked about Taking common issues common problems like communication very very common difficulties with respect to marriage Some of you newly weds or you're engaged at the moment. You have no idea what we're talking about you will though There will come a point where these things will need to be put into practice Right now you're in that honeymoon phase however These are very very common problems in Marriages and things that we run into all the time, you know as I go through this particular session If you've done any counseling With me with respect to marriage You're probably gonna think I'm talking about you But I'm talking about all of our all of our cows Every counseling session I've ever done I has dealt with this particular issue and I have to deal with this myself So I have good material to draw from we're putting the session together These things are very common including this particular issue and that we'll get into we live in a culture that is overtly offended by guilt or offended by shame They have a conscience a God-given conscience we all do and The culture in which we live Cardinal sin is for someone else to draw attention to their guilty or accusing conscience They're offended by guilt or shame. They would much rather silence their conscience and justify themselves by blame shifting by playing the victim by shoving off any personal responsibility for their actions Often by just being a louder than the other guy, right? You see that on the news all the time the way that people will respond to this It's seldom if you notice very seldom that we ever see Someone take personal responsibility for their actions. It's uncommon They'll say I can't be the one to blame, you know, somebody or something else is responsible for my lot in life I'm the victim of oppression as A black person as a woman as a homosexual as a teenager fill in the blank, right? And it's usually followed up by a sense of entitlement That someone owes me Because I'm oppressed. I was reading this week. I came across an article on Brian Holloway You've ever heard that name before he Brian Holloway played for the Patriots NFL Superstar for the Patriots back in the day Brian Holloway owns two houses. I thought this was very interesting just it's it's Goes right in line with what we're talking about Brian Holloway has a home in Florida and has a home in Massachusetts They were in their home in Florida When teenagers broke into their house, this was 2013. I think it was Teenagers broke into his house in Massachusetts and held a huge blowout party So they broke in by the time it was all said and done a very very minimal estimate said the damages was well over $20,000 and These teenagers who broke into the house had this party were posting pictures of it posting comments online so Twitter and Facebook all abuzz with this party and That's how Brian Holloway found out about it He found out about it over Twitter that somebody that these kids had broken broken into his house And we're having a party so when he saw it online he called the police Police came out and of course kids drunken kids, you know in a stupor scattered everywhere driving home that kind of thing And so Brian said in the article that initially he was angry and then that quickly turned to We need to do something about these kids these kids are ruining their lives and getting into all kinds of stuff They shouldn't be involved in and so he set up a website called help save help me save 300 I think is the name of the website help me save 300 calm so Brian Put all those Twitter posts and Facebook posts on the website and posted them there So kids taking pictures in his house on top of his tables or on his countertops and drinking and vandalizing his home They were posting their pictures online. He took those posts those pictures posted them on the on his website and Gave them an option these 300 kids or so Said that they could Take responsibility for their actions come and help him clean up the mess. He had an event there the next weekend Come help me clean up the mess Or you can not take responsibility. I'm gonna press charges and they're gonna arrest you and So they he put that online and the next weekend when they had to clean up date set four kids showed up out of three more than 300 Not only that not only that But there was a group a fairly large group of parents who threatened to and I think have sued Because he took their posts and put them on there on his website So posted their pictures and essentially shamed them on His website and now that's not gonna hold up. Those are public. They posted them themselves But that just goes to show you right the attitude the heart attitude of people who want to shift responsibility at the very first Time that I can recall that ever really taking place Publicly openly was the McDonald's coffee suit You remember that that lady spilt her coffee in her lap after getting it through the drive through at McDonald's and sued McDonald's and won that lawsuit Because the coffee she said was too hot So just not willing to take responsibility for their actions and the fact that those parents would not even take responsibility or Insist upon their kids taking responsibility for their actions that night at that party Only four showed up and then they even went so far as to threaten lawsuits Against him. It was interesting to me this last week. I was listening to the news and John Kelly Trump cabinet member the new secretary for Homeland Security actually came out on the news and took responsibility for The rollout of that executive order on immigration Said that he confessed that he could have done a better job that he didn't do what he needed to do to make that roll out more Effective more smooth and I was shocked I just don't remember the last time that I've heard a public figure like that come out publicly and accept responsibility For something that didn't go right Just very rare that that happens sadly this self-justifying self-righteous defensive response isn't just limited to Special snowflakes on college campuses in safe zones, right? This kind of response we're all guilty of this sin is very common and we all do it Even that guy I love that picture is to look on his face, right? Very common we all do it a Jeremiah chapter 17 verse 9 says the heart is deceitful above all things and Desperately wicked who can know it. It's deceitful above all things So we think about those things like that that that story about the party at Brian Holloway's house Is maddening that that would actually take place in the way those people respond But we have to own up to the fact that we all We all Justify ourselves to some degree or another we're all prone to self-righteousness to pride To self-justification. It is a very very common problem. Your biggest flatterer Is the man in the mirror? right It's a terrible problem so To prove my point Maybe you've used one of these self-justifying statements recently see if any of these apply to you Didn't get to take off the bottom a little section there. You ever use that one before? You're react harshly React rudely, but then you self-justify. We have a tendency to do that. Don't we we self-justify. I'm sorry. I'm just tired No, you just sinned right. What about this one? My brother has used that so I felt comfortable using it They joke about that all the time so all right, let's go to the next one Right that's a common one isn't it you just reacted angrily in the car We all do this don't we in some form or fashion often several times a day. What about the next one brother? Did we use that one? Yeah, you're just complaining about the facts. It's what you're doing. You're complaining about the facts What about the next one? You know when someone asks you to help with the kids in the nursery. No, no, no, no I'm really I'm really better suited for a teaching role on it. I'm gifted in other ways You heard that one before Maybe the last one Yeah, you've heard that one for well do this next one is to the point We are so prone to do that all the time It's very common and we all do it except me Which let the slides do to talking Trying to imitate imitate that guy all right It's particularly Destructive right when we carry that kind of sinful baggage into our marriage, but we do We are very prone if not most prone To have that kind of sinful interaction with our wife with our husband, right? We self-justify. We're self-righteous Self-righteousness is a marriage wrecker is a relationship wrecker And we'll talk about why that is as we go through turn with me to Matthew chapter 7 Matthew chapter 7 You get my face off the bed you go to the next one I'm shamed enough. Thank you All right Matthew chapter 7 and I want you to take a look at this text This text dealing with hypocritical judgment. We've looked at this text before but I want to take a moment and apply it To what we're talking about and apply it to marriage in particular right Matthew chapter 7 and look beginning at verse 1 Lord here in the Sermon on the Mount Teaching he says in verse 1 judge not That you be not judged For with what judgment you judge you will be judged and with the measure you use it will be measured back to you And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye? But do not consider the plank in your own eye or how can you say to your brother? Let me remove the speck from your eye and look a plank is in your own eye hypocrite First remove the plank from your own eye and then you'll see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye Lord here in Matthew chapter 7 verses 1 through 5 is referring to the self-righteous judgment of the fairest Pharisees predominantly They the Pharisees being in the business of exalting themselves We're often guilty of mercilessly condemning others that was their MO right this is Very important to understand when it comes to taking personal responsibility or correcting patterns of self-justification self-righteousness in your relationship Success at justifying yourself most often comes at the expense of others It's gonna cost your spouse for you to justify yourself Your self-justification comes at the expense of your spouse most often Right and for the Pharisees to get away with self-justifying or for exalting themselves They had to diminish or to demean others those two things go hand-in-hand So when you're self-justifying it's often coming at the expense of your spouse when you're married This always tragically and destructively involves your spouse when your Self-righteousness runs amok where you are self-justifying Your spouse is paying a price now. Let's consider this passage Matthew chapter 7 verses 1 through 5 In the context of a marriage relationship, and I want to look at three points, right? Responsibility disregarded responsibility denied and then responsibility demanded want to look at the text quickly and then apply this to marriage Okay, so let's first look at responsibility Disregarded in verse 1 the Lord says verse 1 Judge not that you be not judged for with what judgment you judge you will be judged and with the measure you use It will be measured back to you Now in verses 1 and 2 if you look at that text the Lord reminds us that we ourselves are going to face judgment Right while you may be judging someone else for their actions. You have to remember You are going to face judgment one day yourselves for your own actions We get we're gonna be held accountable for unjust or hypocritical Judgements James chapter 4 verse 11 do not speak evil of or slander do not slander one another brethren He who speaks evil of a brother and much more so your wife, right much more so your husband He who speaks evil of a brother or wife or husband and judges His brother or wife or husband speaks evil of the law and judges the law But if you judge the law you are not a doer of the law But a judge there is one lawgiver who is able to save and to destroy Who are you to judge your spouse judge another judge a brother, right? Jesus says that God will judge Using the same measure of judgment with which we Judge others and we do that unjustly or hypocritically When we presume to be judged over others We'll take a look at a minute at what this looks like, but when we presume to be judged over others We can't claim ignorance of God's standard We like Haman, right? We erect a gallows for our spouse and We end up hanging ourselves on it. Does that make sense? So second point beginning in verse 3 responsibility denied verse 3 the Lord says this Why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye and do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother? Let me remove the speck from your eye and look a plank is in your own eye The the difference between the speck and the plank right makes the point that the sin The sin of the self-justifying Critic right the sin of the self-righteous spouse is greater Than the sin of the other spouse So when you stand in judgment when you have a plank in your own eye and You stand in hypocritical or unjust judgment of your spouse and you don't take Responsibility for your own sin. You don't take responsibility for your peace and all of this Then your hypocritical judgment yourself justifying is a greater sin. It's a plank When the other sin is compared to a speck does that make sense? that which blinds him To considering the plank in his own eye verse 3 is his own self-righteousness That was what the Pharisees were guilty of his own self-righteousness his own self-justifying Conduct is that which blinds him to seeing the plank in his own eye the plank of self-righteousness The plank of his sin is right there in his eye and he can't see past it if you've ever Been involved I have I myself to my shame have been guilty of this I've talked to brothers and sisters many of you have to that have that are guilty of this sin You can't see past the speck in the other person's eye in order to see your own plank Your self-justifying Self-righteous pride blinds you to the plank in your own eye And so you become fixated focused on the specks of your spouse and it will wreck Destroy run ramshot over your marriage if you keep doing that It's a relationship killer All he can do in this situation is see the sin of his brother, right? What the Lord is saying is consider your own sin Consider your own sin and then Maybe you can help with your brother's sin right third point verse five responsibility demanded The Lord says hypocrite calls him a hypocrite first Remove the plank from your own eye and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye you know he puts on this critical self-justifying self-righteous prideful spouse puts on the mask of Religious superiority puts on a mask of right puts on a mask of holiness and That self-righteousness is blinding you're blind to your own sin You can't see clearly you certainly can't see clearly enough to judge the matter from both perspectives rightly You can't even see clearly to handle your own sin does that make sense? There is a necessity for righteous judgment the Lord doesn't Set aside righteous judgment here. He affirms it But it's only when the plank is removed that you can then see clearly all becomes clear, right? How's that plank removed? It's removed through humility. It's removed through genuine repentance It's removed through dealing biblically with your sin and being in a state of humility before God that allows you to see clearly The situation lies before you an excellent illustration of this right if you take Matthew chapter 7 verses 1 through 5 And you illustrate that in the Bible excellent illustration is the parable of the Pharisee and the tax collector in Luke 18 Listen to this parable in light of those points in light of what we just talked about Listen to the parable verse 9 Also, we spoke this parable to some who trusted in themselves that they were righteous and They despised others I think about that for a moment again when you Self-justify when you're self-righteous in your relationship that comes at the expense of your spouse So you believe that you're righteous and you show contempt you show disdain or you despise your spouse They trusted in themselves that they were righteous and they despised others verse 10 Two men went up to the temple to pray one a Pharisee the other a tax collector the Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself God I Thank you that I'm not like other men Extortioners unjust adulterers or even this tax collector. I fast twice a week I give tithes of all that I possess and the tax collector standing afar off would not so much as raise his eyes to heaven But he beat his breast saying God be merciful to me a sinner I tell you this man went down to his house justified rather than the other for everyone who Exalts himself will be humbled and he who humbles himself will be exalted now a lot of times We think about passages like that. We think about passages like Matthew chapter 7 in the context of Salvation someone coming to Christ That has bearing in our relationship doesn't it with our spouse You can see how someone in their relationship who does not take responsibility for their own sin But justifies their sin or is self-righteous regarding their sin How that is depicted in the parable of the Pharisee and the tax collector in Luke 18 That's the picture that's the That's what you're doing in your marriage when you self-justify when you don't take responsibility for your sin In order to take personal responsibility for your sin in your marriage. It takes humility. It takes humility You must be humble that humility comes through conviction Conviction over your sin Conviction of what the word of God says and then you need with that conviction with God's help God's grace You need courage to do what you need to do in your relationship to restore your relationship takes humility takes conviction Takes courage. All right The point that I want to be clear this morning and have you consider with me is That this heart attitude the heart attitude of the unjust judge in Matthew 7 and the attitude of the Pharisee in Luke 18 is prevalent in virtually every Unresolved marital conflict That attitude that heart attitude is prevalent in virtually every unresolved marital conflict Maybe you've been there before and you would think about that time right now that You're blaming your circumstances on your spouse The circumstances have escalated and they begin to Grow and they begin to get more and more out of control to the point where your home now Is no longer a peaceful loving Kind compassionate loving peaceful environment It's now conflict. There's tension you are Maybe you've gotten to the point before where your stranger is under the same roof Your two ships passing in the night you're not communicating like you once communicated You're not affectionate like you were once affectionate. There's tension In that kind of a situation This is what's happening It's prevalent in virtually every single one of those circumstances Someone is being self-justifying someone is being self-righteous both Or being self-justified and both are being self-righteous Both letting their pride get the better of them not repenting not resolving the conflict One or both spouses refusing to take personal responsibility for their sin refusing to Consider the plank in their own eye and they're fixated on the speck in their spouse's eye one or both poisoned With this self-justifying self-righteousness, right? Let me give you the deadly progression of that how that looks in a relationship Let me give you five steps Five steps five steps of the deadly progression This is the downward spiral The first one is confrontation confrontation Confrontation is simply dealing with sinful conduct. We do that in the church, right? Matthew chapter 18 other passages You go to your brother. You go to your sister when they're in sin You lovingly confront them in their sin between you and them alone and you hope to restore Fellowship with them when they repent of their sin And turn back to christ, right? It's just loving confrontation. That's a good and biblical thing to do You need to practice that in your relationship with your spouse Right, you're going to sin against your spouse. Your spouse is going to sin against you And so when they're sin you deal with that sin and you deal with it on a behavioral level Uh, it's the way the lord deals with us, right? When the lord deals with us You sin in this way I'm going to call you to repentance for that sin and we're going to restore the relationship There's going to be forgiveness and peace again in our relationship It's not that these things add up over time And then it becomes this huge Unresolved mess of issues that now can't be resolved any longer because you're just so far gone And there's bitterness and anger and unforgiveness in the home, right? You deal with your spouse the way that god deals with you now when you sin You repent of your sin. You ask for forgiveness. You receive forgiveness and you restore the relationship confrontation Next level though when that doesn't take place the way that it's supposed to It morphs into or evolves into criticism Criticism is the next step It may be in your relationship that you passed over confrontation altogether and this is where you're at You've had bad Habits seep into your marriage and so you just you're critical of each other now You've sort of passed over the biblical confrontation Step, you've not been dealing with sin biblically in your marriage and so now you're this step of criticism Criticism is where death begins to seep in to your relationship This is sin rather than dealing with sinful behavior Now criticism begins to impugn their character In other words, it goes from What did you do? Well, let's deal with that what? And I want to repent of that what and I want to forgive that what and it moves to You always do that or you never Do those things because that's who you are That's the way that you are as long as I've known you that's what you do Do you see the difference between those two things? That's the way that the accuser of the brethren Right whispers in the ear of the believer That's not godly. It's not biblical You go from dealing with sinful conduct to now impugning their character Because you believe that to be a character flaw now and your Confrontation you've skipped over confrontation now you're dealing with criticism You feel entitled to accuse them You feel entitled maybe to punish them Maybe to be rude back to them Um, maybe you feel entitled to your anger feel entitled to your bitterness Remember the self righteous people self justifying people have to diminish others So if you feel entitled to be angry with them entitled to be bitter with them entitled to Maybe punish them with your words or with your actions. You are Already the self justifying self righteous Pharisee of Matthew chapter 7 Luke 18. It's already starting to seep in right? This is where death creeps into your relationship. You're essentially now in the criticism phase You're actually building a case against your spouse You see that Instead of just one event one event in one event you keep clean accounts with god clean accounts with your spouse Now it's you always or you never and you're building a case all these things are piled up And you've got all this evidence. That's the way that you are That's the way that I see you now Ephesians chapter 4 verse 29 Paul says let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth But what is good for necessary edification that it may impart grace to the hearers Do not grieve the holy spirit of god by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption Let all bitterness all wrath anger clamor and evil speaking be put away from you with all malice And be kind to one another tender hearted forgiving one another even as god in christ forgave you After criticism comes contempt Which is a downward spiral. It's just a downward spiral, right contempt now manifests itself in purposeful actions or intentional words meant to hurt or wound or demean or diminish So once you have camped out in the criticism phase for a short period of time doesn't usually take very long Now that criticism And you always do this you always do that you never do this turns into contempt You may not say it with your mouth. I love you honey, but you're showing contempt for the other person In the way that you talk to them Your words are hurtful When things begin to escalate you know exactly the right button to push and so you push it And it gives you joy to push it You know you like to put your finger right on that and see what happens right and escalate it even more That's because you're already beyond criticism now. You're in contempt On the other person's part here's where you'll see the eyes roll You'll mention something and it'll be like Like what you see the body language the hostile body language the eyes rolling you'll get um insults You'll get sarcasm like biting sarcasm You'll get um harsh comments You'll be mean to one another mean mean spirited angry words. It's like you'll say things That you wouldn't say to anybody else and you're saying them to your spouse You're well down the spiral in contempt the next is counter attack counter attack You deny responsibility It's not me. It's him You fight back with accusations of your own You accept no responsibility all along right all along as we get down this downward spiral of sin Your self justifying your self righteous. You're taking no personal responsibility You're lashing out at the other person now, right? So you're lashing out with accusations of your own not me It may show up like this right Listen, I know I'm not sinless in this But that's the way it manifests itself. I'm not sinlessly perfect. I know I don't I'm not the perfect husband. I'm not the perfect wife But it always you always have to put your butt in there Not me it's you it's that woman you gave me The last step is collapse It's collapse one or both shut down Now there's no more listening everything is blocked off Not even any more shallow attempts at effort the effort just ceases now. There's just resignation Withdrawal at this point There's really no relationship left. You're living in an empty husk and um ugly right just No talking going on no time together your stranger's under the same roof So think about that now confrontation criticism contempt counter attack collapse The last step we'll talk about we'll talk about that in a few minutes is correction It's correction. How do you? Correct course and get back on track first though. What perpetuates That process what perpetuates the process? Well, here's what does it? your self-justification your self-righteousness your blame shifting Your failure to take personal responsibility for your sin All of those begin with the word your right? This is the reality of it now in relationships You do have circumstances where one person sins and the other person does not You deal with that biblically you deal with that biblically when you don't deal with it biblically you put yourself on this downward spiral Then it becomes your responsibility to course correct. Get yourself back on the right track It is your self-righteousness. It is your self-justifying. It is your blame shifting It's your failure to take personal responsibility that will push this thing from one level to the next I've said it many times in counseling. It's really really hard to argue with someone who won't argue with you It's really difficult to get to contempt When this person simply will not do anything But exactly what the lord would have him do in his circumstances You maybe hold that person in contempt because he's doing that you got other problems if that's the case But what perpetuates the process is your failure to deal with the plank in your own eye And yes by this point you have one you've got one Now if you're thinking, you know, that's right That's right and my spouse needs to take responsibility for them Where we find it all the time, but I there I Venture to guess there are people in the room. Maybe thinking that right now. I hope she's listening to this. I hope he's listening to this Take responsibility take responsibility. So let's talk about these individually. Okay first self-justification We'll do this quickly. Self-justification says Self-justification says I did this because I'm of the situation. I did this because of my circumstances Here's how I acted. It's like I forgot because I'm tired Here's one thing I'll use to my shame. I forgot because I have so many other things on my mind Self-justifying right self-justification. We tend to do that for ourselves Because we let ourselves off the hook So we're quick to let ourselves off the hook, but we're quick to put our spouse on the hook Blameshifting and self-righteousness sounds like this They did that because that's who they are. They always do that Blameshifting She forgot because she's so selfish You see she forgot because she's selfish That's who she is That's blame shifting that self-righteousness. It's what we tend to do to others We tend to self-justify But we tend to exercise self-righteousness in our interactions with other people We don't critique or deal with their conduct We impugn their character. We attack their character This person is this way. She's always that way. Do you see? And remember as you're doing that You self-justify And at the same time tear her down tear him down Sometimes you self-justify by Tearing her down or tearing him down Self-justification self-righteousness in your relationship comes at the expense of your spouse May sound like this. I know I could do better, but I know i'm not sinless in this situation, but I know I have my own weaknesses But right self-justification Self-justification self-righteousness you don't know what it's like to live with him You don't know what i'm going through I'm not even sure that he's a christian Self-righteousness the marriage is a wreck because my spouse is a wreck I'm coming for help only because I want to fix the other person. I don't need fixing I'm coming so that you will fix him fix her And when I address the one who Presumes the thing they don't need fixing they get offended They'll be out the door. What are you doing addressing my me in this? It's Him that's the problem. She's the problem Right, we want to fix the other person She really needs to be confronted in her sin. She really I've I've gotten nowhere Doing that somebody else really needs to confront her confront him In their sin, you know if she would just submit Right If he would just he doesn't lead he doesn't lead our household That's self-righteousness. It's blame-shifting now all that to say there are pieces and elements. This is what makes this so Insidious sometimes is because there are elements of that which may be true With self justification with Self-righteousness you don't believe that you're lying You believe that you're telling the truth you believe that you've got a good bead on the circumstances that you understand The way things are going You don't believe that you're making excuses. You're telling the truth as far as you're concerned. You don't believe that these are rationalizations You don't believe that you're responsible for sin or you don't believe that you're as Responsible for sin as the other person the other person obviously has the wrong perspective and you believe your self-righteous Self justifications are true. You believe they're true And they're blinding in that sense right they're blinding you believe yourself to be right and he is wrong And because you're right and he is wrong You're blinded to the plank in your own eye and you simply won't see it It's a it's a vicious Insidious trap to be in right It's easy for us to see their sin not as easy for us to see our own And we tend to see ourselves as better than we are roman's chapter 12 verse 3 Applies here. I think paul says for I say Through the grace given to me to everyone who is among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think But to think soberly as god has dealt to each one a measure of faith We tend to self-justify when it comes to our own sin And that self justification resolves it very quickly. We tend to fixate on the sins of our spouse Not willing to justify them. We're not willing to justify them We tend to offload any conviction that we feel we tend to offload it very quickly But our fixation becomes making sure that our spouse feels conviction for not letting them off the hook They can't get away with that And making them feel their conviction as they should right? That's our attitude The problem is too That we believe we see things rationally Really as they are And there's that element of truth that sort of anchors our self-justifying conduct Now unless you repent of this You're going to ruin your marriage You'll wreck your relationship So you can't play the victim you can't play the victim in relationships where this begins to happen and you move beyond Biblical confrontation and now you're into sinful criticism. And maybe you've moved on to sinful Abhorrent contempt right you're moving down that spiral. You must repent You must turn from your sin or you will ruin your relationship. Don't play the victim. Don't play the victim. You're not a victim Take responsibility. You need to take responsibility If you Think that in all this this is out of your control, right? This is just this is the way that it is I'm never going to change my wife Right, I'm never going to change my husband If you resign yourself And concede in that kind of way This is always going to be something that is done to you And not something that you have responsibility for to control and to fix And god has given you a stewardship if you're a husband if you're a wife God has given you a stewardship of your marriage relationship So you've got to get in there and do what you need to do to fix your sin problem and work in your marriage Um, I was reading an article we'll go over in a second by doug wilson and doug wilson makes the point he applies um Peter's question about john when peter He hears what he thinks the lord's saying that peter or john is going to live And peter essentially asks the lord about that and so the lord's response to peter was What is that to you? What is that to you? What happens to him? You follow me, right? That applies here So if your spouse sins in this way or that way You deal with the sin biblically you deal with the sin biblically But at the end of the day, what is that to you? You have responsibility in your marriage To fix this self-justifying self-righteous conduct and to repent of your sin Don't play the victim This is not something that's just merely happening to you. You have responsibility for it. Let me give you some examples of that Here's one Your wife Expresses to you that she feels neglected She should If she feels that way right your wife expresses to you that she feels neglected Rather than just confessing That you're in sin and repenting And bearing fruits of repentance and not neglecting your wife You think of yourself as a good husband. I'm a pretty good husband. I love her I love her. I do a lot of things for her that she doesn't acknowledge She needs to stop complaining Right But you have set aside Very little time devoted to her No substantial investment in building companionship with her And that's the reality now you can either understanding that reality. You can do one of two things you can say One Listen, i'm busy. I have stuff going on all the time. I need time every now and then just to catch my breath Right two hours of video games two hour movie Two hours at fellowship two hours, right Two hours of overtime besides we just spent time together the other night watching a two-hour movie That doesn't count back-to-back episodes of csi. We sat there like zombies on the couch You can do that or Number two which takes humility and takes courage You can repent of your neglect. You can ask your wife for forgiveness right And you can lead in the management of your home And spend time spend the time that you need to spend Right, that's one example. Let me give you another You know You know That you're not being submissive to your husband in that particular area. You know it Rather than just confessing that you're in sin Rather than just repenting and bearing fruits of repentance You think to yourself I'm a submissive wife I submit to him in most areas I'm not a perfect wife, but I'm a submissive wife Trust me. I feel like I am submitting all the time If somebody could see the bite marks on my tongue He's being unreasonable in this but But you know You have failed to lovingly follow your husband's lead when it comes to The kids when it comes to the home when it comes to Church when it comes to whatever it is right, whatever it is You have failed and you know it you have failed to submit to your husband In that particular area. You can do one of two things You can either Say to yourself what he wants in this is not going to make a difference Not going to make a difference besides I don't trust his leadership He's just trying to control my life. I don't get any say in this Right. When did we ever talk about this? You can accuse your husband. He's just bringing this up Because I told him I feel neglected So now he brings this up You're not being submissive to me in this area This is what he always does This is what he always does. He provoked me He provoked me or or You can repent of your rebellion against God You can ask for your forgiveness You can trust the lord and submit to your husband, right? You have those choices laid out before you. What are you going to do? That's the issue. It's one humble repentant loving What god intends the other rebellious self-justifying self-righteous prideful relationship crushing Right love squashing You've got a choice. You got water in your hand and gasoline. What are you going to put on the fire, right? Humility takes humility takes conviction takes courage The last step in the process Think about the seas there is correct correction Correction, you must see it rightly this is Read an article this comes from uh douglas wilson tonight I Thought about this in you know numerous numerous numerous Um counseling appointments trying to communicate this and I just Uh when I read this article from douglas wilson just couldn't think of communicating it any better It just really helped sort of um Lock it down in my mind Most people think of he calls it um that Counseling or marriage relationship is not a zero-sum game in other words. There's not one Pi that equals a hundred percent You guys can really see that well over there, can't you? Um and when you come in or when you're sitting down you're working through the problem You're divvying up that particular pi With your own percentage of responsibility, right that um here's My responsibility And here's my spouse's responsibility, right so I have one percent but it's all her So you're that's what you're you sit down and you think about your relationship that way that um you want to Divvy up responsibility For the sin that is harming your relationship. The reality is The reality is that you have Two circles And here's the more biblical way to think about this You have one hundred percent responsibility for your sin and the relationship For your self-justifying for your self-righteousness for your pride for your sin for your actions And you're one hundred percent responsible for dealing with that sin And if you don't you're crushing you're killing your relationship You spouse your spouse they have their own one hundred percent Uh responsibility for their own sin. You're like yeah, that's right that thing is let me tell you what's in there You're missing the point again You're just messing up all the time focus on your one hundred percent you have a hundred percent It was so when are we gonna get to her hundred percent? Counseling over we just can't we're not getting anywhere, right? You got to focus on your one hundred percent um the A good illustration and oh, I think it's a good illustration that helps think about that Is um I use the the Orlando nightclub shooting, right? You have this wicked guy I'll thank you brother this wicked guy that goes into a nightclub homosexual nightclub in Orlando And shoots those 49 kills 49 people right terrible tragedy that wicked guy 100 responsible for that heinous act He goes there and shoots those people just a deplorable disgusting wicked horrendous act He's a hundred percent responsible for that Now you say things like this and you can get yourself in hot water with people that have self-justifying sensibilities But those people who were in that club Are 100 responsible for their part in all of that too It doesn't diminish his heinous act doesn't diminish his wickedness It is horrendous what he did horrendous But they weren't there glorifying god They weren't you know at home doing something they chose they chose to go there you know how many how many news stories do you have to see where a young girl Goes into a bar Dressed in next to nothing flirtatious Sits down at a bar Guy comes drop something in her drink And she is found dead behind a dumpster the next day right how many how many of those stories you have to see And listen the one who did that? wicked deplorable heinous offense against god like just It can't be overstated How wicked that act is But that girl Went into that bar She sat there maybe next to a guy. She had no business sitting next to wearing something. She had no business wearing She has her own Circle do you see not to diminish his horrendous act at all Not to diminish omar matine's horrendous act at all But taking personal responsibility for their own part in the the sin In your relationship you have to do the same thing You have to you have to you have to take your fixation Off your spouse's 100 and you have to be fixated on your own sin On your own sin on what you have done You need to repent of your sin You need to humble yourself and ask your wife ask your husband for forgiveness Focus on your plank the plank in your eye right Let me give you a couple of steps The first is to acknowledge that the first is to acknowledge that if you are having difficulties in your relationship and Those difficulties have not been consistently Resolved such that you have completely clear accounts with your husband Completely clear accounts with your wife and completely clear accounts with god Then you need to work on that today take responsibility for your plank repent of your sin do that now and turn to christ Turn to your husband turn to your wife ask for forgiveness Get that done immediately clear those accounts and That can be done like i know i know we talk about counseling or we're we're dealing with circumstances A lot of those things are deep set over Years and years of time you right now have this tangled I love my brother's analogy of the fishing line, you know this tangled wad of fishing line You don't think you can do anything with it god can God can't and it begins with your repentance In the same way that your whole tangled web and life that whole clump that you were before christ how christ just You can do that too in christ for your husband for your wife You need to do that you need to do that you need to ask your spouse for forgiveness You need to have clear accounts and then you need to deal with your sin in the relationship Whatever it is And humble yourself to ask your spouse about it get feedback on that Keep clean accounts clear accounts with your spouse and with god Next thing you need to do we've talked about this before i know is cultivate companionship cultivate companionship These resolutions And this Process doesn't work if you're not spending quality time with the other and that's my brother pointed that out in his session this morning You need to spend time together and that's non Negotiable so you need to Connect in the morning Before you split and go your separate ways to work or wherever Just sit and spend a few minutes talking it could be over the breakfast table It doesn't take long to do that you need to connect when you reunite at the end of the day Right when you come back from work you come back from school or wherever And you talk you spent how was your day and you spend some time deliberately talking and interacting with one another Make that a non-negotiable Have a weekly date Just make it a non-negotiable spend time and that doesn't mean back-to-back episodes of csi on the couch like zombies Um, you can't do you can't do that then, you know, you can't a movie can't satisfy that right movies very I'd love to go into a movie with my wife, right? But that movie time can't satisfy that necessity. You just can't talk Through a movie like that sometimes my wife tries We can't talk right now sweetie. We're in a movie theater So you've got to have time yes So you've got to have time together to talk and make that a not it's got to be a non-negotiable What you're doing is you're cultivating companionship Cultivating companionship you need to cultivate companionship part of that is Is intimacy my brother also pointed that out this morning intimacy Yeah, you could say My husband doesn't need that, you know My wife my wife she doesn't need it Paul says Let the husband render to his wife the affection do her likewise also the wife to her husband She may he may say That's not important or he doesn't need that he needs it, you know He needs it because the bible says he does and god's always true and every man is a liar So render render the affection do her render the affection do him Don't sin in that way against your spouse um Cultivate companionship cultivate affection Cultivate affection If you're not holding hands if you're not sitting on the couch with your arm around your wife if you're not I mean if you're not affectionate with one another Um, there's just that that cultivates distance. It doesn't cultivate companionship. It cultivates distance Be affectionate with one another if you're not affectionate the repent of not being affectionate render the affection do her render the affection do him That's a command from paul and first christian seven The other thing is you want to do is you want to um cultivate common basis Cultivate common basis And that means christ something the thing that you have in common that is most cherished between the two of you your Common interest and for christians. That's christ right should be serving in the church serving the lord by serving your brothers and sisters Um, you want to do that through family devotions Just reading the bible together talking about the bible together talking about what you're reading what you're learning Just talking spending time what you're doing is you're cultivating common basis. You're cultivating christ in common And that's important you're cultivating companionship You're cultivating christ in common and just render both of those things non-negotiables when you do that Then when issues come up when things come up you can deal with them biblically right honey. I You know, you've heard the um the old sort of axiom that um you have to put in a bunch of deposits before you make a withdrawal right talking about Encouragement and you know communication those kinds of things. Okay. Well cultivate Um companionship in your relationship and these conversations such that you're making a lot of deposits all the time I love you. You're you know, I love how you handle this. I love the way that you do that with the kids I'm so grateful for the way that you keep our house or you know all those kinds of things You just cultivate that kind of companionship Such that when the time comes and something and it will it will it will you can say honey Um, I need to talk with you. You know, I love you and I'm so grateful to god for you This has been on my mind and we really need to really need to deal with this Can we talk for a moment about that right and you just biblically deal with that particular thing Without it escalating without the hot button Level it contempt or level it criticism or level it collapse Without having to deal with it in that kind of environment You're dealing with it all the way back up at biblical loving compassionate confrontation And you just deal with it right then honey. Please forgive me. I forgive you and it's done right Beautiful And then you you keep clean accounts with your spouse clean accounts before god And that's the way that you keep a Blessed relationship before god amen. All right, let's pray a father and heaven Lord thank you for these Biblical principles that are so clear in your word To help us wisely navigate the challenges of marriage There are challenges because of our flesh because we are lord so prone to self justifying self righteous prideful conduct We don't see our sin and we try to let ourselves off the hook It happens so consistently it becomes Sometimes almost habitual and our hearts are deceitful Desperately wicked and All these things are arrayed. It seems against us. And so we sin We're gonna sin against you and we sin against our spouse But I pray lord that you would help us Spirit of god help us to be humble When we do help us to acknowledge our sin help us to have the Conviction strength that your spirit supplies to go to ask for forgiveness and to resolve those things with our spouse quickly such that it doesn't just continue to spiral downward through criticism and contempt Help us lord help us to see it Protect us lord from just always being blinded by our own self righteousness blinded by our own self justifying conduct and blinded To our own sin because we have our eyes wide open and fixated on our spouse's sin It would help us to accept responsibility for our 100 percent And to faithfully follow you in that faithfully follow you in that and to repent of sin And to clear accounts and to live with a clear conscience before you or was such a blessed thing and Would help us to cultivate companionship with our spouse Help us to cultivate christ in common Lord, we want to serve you in these ways We want to honor you in these ways and we know lord that when we do that then our Relationships are blessed and we experience the blessing That you intend marriage to be thank you lord. Thank you for your forgiveness. That's available in christ. Thank you for hope of blissful marital relationships lord, and I pray that you'd Allow us lord to walk in that kind of marital bliss for my brothers and sisters here for my wife and I Knowing lord that's most honoring to you. We love you lord and thank you in jesus name. Amen