 Lucky Strike presents the Jack Benny Program. But first, here's an important message from the National Tobacco Tax Research Council. Everyone likes to talk about the high taxes he pays, but you cigarette smokers have a right to do some special fancy talking yourself, because you cigarette smokers give nearly two billion dollars a year in cigarette taxes. Every time you buy cigarettes, you give your federal government eight cents a pack, and most of you give three or four cents more to city and state governments. That adds up to better than a 50% tax on every cigarette you smoke. Yes, in buying cigarettes, over half your packs, go for a tax. And now the Jack Benny Program, transcribed, presented by Lucky Strike. Do you, do da, do da, do da, do you, do da, do da, it be happy, go lucky, be happy, get better taste, be happy, go lucky, get better taste today. Friends, tear and compare. See for yourself that luckies are made better to taste better. From a newly opened pack, take a cigarette made by any other manufacturer. Carefully tear a thin strip of paper straight down the seam from end to end and gently remove the tobacco. In tearing, be sure not to loosen or dig into the tobacco. Now, do exactly the same with a Lucky Strike. Then compare. Some cigarettes are too loosely packed. Some even fall apart. But look at that Lucky. See how it stays together. A perfect cylinder of fine, mild tobacco. Now, what does this mean to you as a smoker? It means exactly this. Because your Lucky is so round and firm and fully packed, you avoid annoying loose ends that spoil the taste. Hot spots that burn harsh and dry. Because your Lucky has long strands of fresh, clean, good tasting tobacco, it burns evenly, smoke smooth and mild. Yes, tear and compare. Prove to yourself that luckies are made better to taste better. Then make your next carton Lucky Strike. Broadcasting from the Naval Air Station in San Diego, the Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Dennis Dane, yours truly, Don. Ladies and gentlemen, since we're doing our program at the Naval Air Station in San Diego, I bring you the star of our show, a sailor who was in the First World War and still has a toupee with a crew haircut, Jack Benny. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hello again, this is Jack Benny talking, and Don, I'll ignore that attempted humor, but you're right. During the First World War, I was a sailor stationed at Great Lakes, Illinois. And you want to know something? What? Before we leave here, I'm going over to the recruiting office and try to enlist again. Oh, Jack, they won't take you. What did you say, Don? They won't take you. I know, but where else can you get a physical for nothing? Anyway, Don, it certainly is a thrill being here at a Naval Air Station. You know, they have so many different types of planes here. Banshees, Sky Raiders, Corsairs, and Don, did you notice those huge Navy planes landing right on the water? Oh, yes, Jack, but I was puzzled about those big things on the bottom where the wheels should be. What are they? Oh, Don, those are pontoons. You see, they keep you afloat in the water. Pontoons? Yes, Don, those are the same things that automobiles use in Los Angeles. Which reminds me, Don, I have to be in Los Angeles 30 seconds after this program goes off the air. That's when I do my television show. But, Jack, how can you make it from here to Los Angeles in 30 seconds? Don, I'm going to use the quickest moving thing known to science. Oh, are you taking one of those jet planes? No, I'm going to go piggyback on a sailor with a 12-hour pass. That's why I brought my spurs. Anyway, oh, hello, Mary. Hello, Jack. Well, Mary, how do you like doing a show from the San Diego Naval Air Station? Oh, it's fine, Jack, but you want to know something? I think the boys here are a little too playful. What do you mean? Well, when I was coming over here, one of the pilots grabbed my hat as a souvenir. Grabbed your hat? Well, why didn't you grab it back? I couldn't. He was in an F9F. Really, how do you know so much about these boys? Well, when we got here yesterday, one of the pilots took me in his airplane. And after 20 minutes, he said, all right, honey, either kiss me or get out. Oh, no. So naturally, I kissed him. Well, Mary, I don't blame you. You wouldn't want to jump out of a plane 10,000 feet in the air. What are you talking about? It wasn't off the ground yet. Oh, then getting you into the plane was just a trick to kiss you, huh? Yes, but then Captain Erdman warned me. He warned you? He said, if I see any guy around here with puckered lips and he isn't carrying a bugle, watch out. Well, that explains it. This morning, the whole base looked like Guy Lombardo's brass section here. And Jack, this pilot who took me up once to impress me and show me how sophisticated he is. So tonight he's going to take me to a club called La Cantina. Oh, the La Cantina? Yeah, that's Spanish for butter your elbows and we can squeeze five more in. Oh, is it that crowded? Crowded. A seaman walked in there one night and came out wearing an ensign for a hat. Mary, I think you're making this whole thing up. Every time we come to a... Come in. Hello, Mr. Vinnie. Oh, yes. How come you're late? Where were you? Well, I'd have been here earlier, Jackson, but I stopped off at a bar. You got to live, bub. Live. Jackson, bar, bub? Oh, boy, am I dizzy. Dennis, do you mean to say they served you a drink? No, they said I was too young so they just spun me around on a stool. Hey, Don, have you got an alka-seltzer? Dennis, what's the matter with you? All they did was spin you around on a stool. Yeah, but they held my head in one place. All right, I heard enough of that silly talk. Now, let's have your song. That's the time. I'm sung by Dennis Day. Very good, Dennis. Thanks, Mr. Vinnie. I try to sing extra well for these boys because, you know, I used to be in the Navy, too. I spent two years in the South Pacific. I know you did, Dennis, and, you know, I was in the South Pacific and, brother, I ran into some pretty rough seas. So did I. Were you ever tossed overboard? Yeah, but the captain made the fellas cut it out. Dennis, the boys kept throwing you overboard? That's terrible. Oh, it was all right. The fish kept throwing me back. When you first joined the Navy, how did they know how to classify you? How did they know what rank to give you? Oh, that was easy, Mary. You see, first I had to fill out a lot of forms, answer a lot of questions, and then for two whole days, they gave me a written test. For two days? Hey, that must have been quite a test. Yeah, and after it was over, they made me an ensign. An ensign, huh? Yeah. I wonder what they'd have made me if I passed. Dennis, let's go back to the part where they were throwing you overboard, you know? I like that better. Sometimes you say that... Okay, fellas, here's Harris the star, so tear up your passes and stay where you are. Oh, for heaven's sakes, Phil, what you won't do to get a reception. What a ham. Well, I gotta do something when we travel around. You're the only one that gets all the big reception. Look what happened yesterday when we arrived here. Who took all the bars? You did. I didn't get no welcome at all. What are you talking about? After I signed all the autographs, I sent everyone over to get your autograph, too. You did that just to show off. You know I can't write. Well, Phil, I really forgot that you couldn't write. I didn't mean to embarrass you. Oh, you didn't, eh? Then why did you hide my rubber stamp? Because I thought you were going too far when you stamped your name on Admiral Baker's forehead. That's so embarrassing. It was so embarrassing. Wait a minute. Another thing, Jackson. I know that trick you played on me last year. What trick? You switched rubber stamps on me, and for the next three weeks, I would sign in my name, Fragile, this and up. What? Mary told me, Mary told me. Well, I knew nobody in your band could tell you because they can't read either. Now, you see, there you go again, always picking on my band. Hey, Liv. Liv. Tell Jack to lay off of me. Phil's right, Jack. His boys may not be great musicians, but at least they're gentlemen. Mary, just because they tip their hats when they pass a pool room doesn't mean they're gentlemen. Now, let's forget it. No, I'm not forgetting it, Jackson. My boys don't like that stuff. They're sensitive. Yes, Jack. The things you said about them at rehearsal made them cry. Well, Mary, that doesn't mean they're sensitive. They'd cry at the drop of a bottle. Only if it breaks. Well, do me a favor, will you? What are you doing here at the San Diego Naval Air Station? Well, I got a nephew stationed here. Oh, I didn't know that you had a nephew in the Navy. Well, of course I have. In fact, during the last war, he was stationed in Oahu. Oh, Honolulu Oahu? No, Cleveland Oahu. Oh, Cleveland, Cleveland. Mr. Kitzel, I didn't know your nephew was stationed here. What rank is he? He's a seaman's second hand. You mean seaman's second class? No, second hand. They threw him out and took him back again. Why did they throw him out? Well, he used to be the base barber, and one day he gave the admiral a poodle haircut. Well, what did they throw him out? Tell me, Mr. Kitzel, are you having a good time in San Diego? Oh, a good time. Last night, my wife and I went to Tijuana, and we had... That's our fact. We went to Tijuana, and we had a real Mexican, you know. Oh, you went to Tijuana? Yeah, and all the natives are so polite there. You know, Mr. Benny, all day long, they kept calling me Mr. Kitzel. Mr. Kitzel? Yeah, yeah. That's what they called me. But in Mexico, it's Señor. I knew, but with my accent, they thought I was French. Oh, well, it was nice seeing you, Mr. Kitzel. Goodbye. Arrivo, Mr. Benny. Well, it certainly was a surprise running into Mr. Kitzel down here. Now, ladies and gentlemen, since tonight we are broadcasting from the San Diego Naval Air Station, a base that services our aircraft carriers for our feature attraction tonight. Oh, Jack. Jack, before you go into the sketch, don't you think the sportsman quartet should do the commercial? Oh, yes, down the commercial. Certainly. Let's have it, fellas. Come on. There's something about a sailor, something about a sailor, something about a sailor that is fine, fine, fine. He may be an aviator, he may be an navigator, he may be a hungry airman in the long chow line, but there's something about his bearing, something in what he's wearing, something about his shoes, the way they shine, shine, shine. Oh, a tattooed sailor's chest seemed to suit the lady's test. There's something about a sailor that is fine, fine, something about a lucky, something about a lucky, something about a lucky that is fine, fine, fine. There's no way that you can measure the deep down smoking pleasure you get from a good old lucky every time, time, time. If it's on a cruise you're starting, you'd better buy a carton. You'll want your lucky strikes from rain or shine, shine, shine. Oh, it's L-S-M-F-T, only lucky strike for me. There's something about a lucky that is fine. That was very good boys, very good. And now, ladies and gentlemen, for our feature attraction, tonight we are presenting a dramatic sketch of the sea, called all hands on deck, or load the guns with Tabasco sauce, here comes the shrimp bowl. That's the silliest thing I'll say tonight. Now, Mary, Mary, there are only men on this ship, so there's no part in the play for you. But Jack, I want to be in it. I can't help it, Mary, there's no part for you. You let me be in it, or I'll tell all these fellas that when you were in the Navy, you saluted a barber pole because it had stripes on it. I didn't salute, I just said hello. Now, let's get back to the play. As a sea- Wait a minute, wait a minute, Jack. Jack, you said you'd check the technical terms we're using the sketch to make sure that we're correct. Did you do it? Oh, my goodness, I forgot. Well, you better check on it, Jack. And the last time we did a Navy sketch, your writers called the commander, Warden. Well, I'll check everything right now. I'll call up one of these ensigns. Oh, fellow, fellow, you in the first row. Would you come up here, please? Thank you. I'll ask him, Don. He can tell us whether we're a writer wrong. Oh, ensign, tell me, is there a flat service on a carrier where the planes take off called a flight deck? I don't know. Oh, well, well, is the thing is the thing that the gun stick out of on a battleship called a turret? I don't know. Well, is the front part of a ship called a bow? I don't know. Well, for heaven's sake, a fine sailor you are. How'd you ever get in the Navy anyway? I was recommended by the Marines. Now, we'll just have to do our sketch without any help. Okay, Phil, music. As the scene opens, I, Captain McBennie, commanding officer of an aircraft carrier, am standing on the bridge of my ship, the USS Ulysses S. Sassafras. Wipe your chin. Quiet. We're on the high seas, knifing silently through the night for our secret destination. Captain McBennie. We've been at sea 24 hours now, and it's time to open our sealed orders. Here they are, sir. Good. I'll open them. It's from Vice Admiral Spray. Is it important? Yes, men. This is it. We're going all the way across. What does it say? Load supplies and head for Catalina. Men, we have much time. Let's send the planes up for reconnaissance. Ready planes for reconnaissance. See those propellers sure stir up the wind. You ain't kidding. Your hair just went A-W-O-L. Never mind. For reconnaissance. I'm in Zusa and Cucamonga. We haven't been at war with them for years. Captain McBennie. Yes, Ensign McDay. I would like to report the position of the USS Ulysses S. Sassafras. Good. Good. Wipe your chin. What's our longitude? 62 degrees south. Our latitude? Altitude? What do you mean, altitude? You know that last plane that took off? Yes. We're still tied to it. Oh, my goodness. Where are we now? 3,000 feet over Tijuana. Tijuana? I think. 3,000 feet? I ain't been this high since last night at Sherman. Stop reminiscing. And Ensign McDay. Yes, Captain McBennie. I got a report that you disobeyed my orders. What do you mean? I took a walk around the deck and this ship isn't as long as I thought it was. Now look, men. The good ship USS Ulysses Sassafras. Wipe your chin. Without an option. Without an operation of maneuvers. We are now entering a blackout zone, so turn out all the lights. Can the enemy see us? No, but the audience can. How did that wave get on deck? What are you doing here? I was assigned here, sir, by the Navy Department. Assigned here? What's your rank? Manicurus, first class. Manicurus, good. There will be no hangnails on the USS Ulysses Sassafras. Swab your lip. Thank you. Now, men, man your battle stations and prepare for... Who can that be? Oh, I'll get it. Hello? Heaven's sake Rochester, why call now? We're in the middle of the sketch. I want Mr. Benny to know I'm in San Diego. I just got in. I thought you drove down with Mr. Benny in the car. No, I had some work to do, so I left yesterday. Well, what made the train so late? I didn't come by train. I was on Highway 101 Freelancing. You mean you hitchhiked? Yes, ma'am. Instead of buying me a train ticket, Mr. Benny gave me a road map and a short talk on the generosity of the American motorist. Who is it, Wade? Rochester. Right in the middle of the sketch. Give me that phone. Hello, Rochester. Oh, boss, it wasn't so bad hitchhiking and you were right. I was right about what? If you lie down in the middle of the highway, nine out of ten cars will stop. Certainly. Well, look, Rochester, you didn't have to call me in the middle of my show, did you? Yes, boss, this is important. Well, I thought maybe you'd let me use your car. Well, you met a girlfriend, eh? Well, Rochester, of course you can have my car, but the tank is empty. That's all right. I'll put it in the gallon. Why only a gallon? I want to run out of gas when I reach the silver strand. Hello, Rochester. I don't think I should let you have my car. What you got of this girl is beautiful. She is, eh? What does she look like? You want me to describe her to you? Yes. Have you ever seen what your son said, just as mother nature extinguishes its last golden glow with the tranquil waters of the blue Pacific? Yes. Well, put a sweater on it and you've got it. Oh, I see. Well, I better run along now. So long, boss. Goodbye, Rochester. Goodbye. Oh, say, boss. What? Aren't you doing a television show tonight? Yes, Rochester, in just a few minutes. On the entire CBS television network? Yes, on the entire CBS television network. And are your guest stars going to be Isaac Stern and Dennis Day? That's right. You mention everything, don't you? What are you laughing at? I may be a lousy butler, but I'm a great publicity man. You certainly are, Rochester. Goodbye. Goodbye. Friends, you can tear and compare and see with your own eyes how luckies are made better to taste better. From a newly opened pack, take a cigarette made by any other manufacturer. Carefully tear a thin strip of paper straight down the seam from end to end and gently remove the tobacco. In tearing, be sure not to loosen or dig into the tobacco. Now, do exactly the same with a lucky strike. Then compare. You'll see some cigarettes are so loosely packed that they fall apart. Others have air spaces, hot spots that burn harsh and dry. But you won't find that in a lucky look at that perfect cylinder of fine mild tobacco so free of annoying loose ends that spoil the taste. Notice those long strands of fresh, clean, good tasting tobacco so firmly packed to smoke smooth and even, giving you a milder, better tasting cigarette. Yes, friends, tear and compare. Prove to yourself that luckies are made better to taste better. Then make your next carton lucky strike. To start it be happy go lucky, go lucky strike today. Ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank Vice Admiral Thomas L. Sprague, Commander of the Air Force Pacific Fleet, Captain William L. Erdman, Commanding Officer of the Naval Air Station and Lieutenant Harold C. Boudreau, Special Service Officer for inviting us down here. And fellas, I want to thank you too. Until you've been wonderful being here, you've been a great audience and come in. Yes, what is it, Sailor? I'm ready to take you to your television show, Mr. Benny. Fine. I got my pass. Just jump on my back and let's go. Well, good. And I'll see you on television in just a minute. The Jack Benny program was transcribed. This is the CBS Radio Network.