 Mother, is Maxwell House really the only coffee in the world? Well, your father says so, and your father knows best. Yes, it's Father Knows Best transcribed in Hollywood starring Robert Young's father. A half hour visit with your neighbors, the Anderson's, brought to you by America's favorite coffee, Maxwell House. The coffee that's always good to the last drop. In Chapter 10 of Oliver Twist, the astute Mr. Dickens observed, there is a passion for hunting something deeply implanted in every human breast. Well, in Springfield, in a white frame house on Maple Street, the Anderson's are living examples of the Dickens' philosophy. I don't mean they spend their days tracking wild game or stalking the savage beast in his native lair, nothing like that. The Anderson's specialize in bargains, and there are no greater hunters on either side of the Mississippi, like this. Margaret, honey, I'm home. Jim? Well, who do you think? It's Margaret Troy McDougal, the friendly plumber. Jim, don't you dare come into the den. I can't hear you, honey. What are you doing in the- Jim Anderson, I asked you not to come in here. Why not? I wanted it to be a surprise and you had to spoil it. Shall I go out and come back in again? No. As long as you're here, well, what do you think of it? Of what? You mean you don't notice anything new? No, everything looks just... Honey, will you please ask Bud to keep his junk off my desk? What junk? That bunch of old scrap iron. If he can't find any other place- Jim, that's the surprise. In a big house like this, I should think... It's what? That's the new lamp I bought. That's a lamp? Isn't it beautiful? Margaret. The base is an early New England weather vane, and there isn't another one like it anywhere in Springfield. Honey, I was perfectly happy with the lamp I had. It's so quaint and a real bargain, too. I know, but you see the lamp I had- It was only $12.95, and Mr. Adams says all it needs is some new wiring. Fine. But the lamp... How much? $12.95. You paid the junk man $13 for that... that? It was not $13. It was $12.95. I beg your pardon. And Mr. Adams is not a junk man. He's a collector of early American relics. See what he'll give us for my Aunt Martha. Jim. Honey, there was nothing wrong with the lamp I had. Was there? Doesn't it mean anything to you to have a lamp that's, well, a little different? I'd rather have one that works... than a lamp I had. Mr. Adams said he wouldn't be surprised if this was the only lamp of its kind in the entire country. Oh, I wouldn't go that far. I mean, there must have been somebody else who needed a weather vane on his desk. Jim. After all, why guess which way the wind is blowing when you can have a weather vane right in your lap? Jim Anderson, you know very well- Oh, what if you want to do a little light reading up on the roof? Margaret, why don't you call Mr. Adams? Jim, if you're worried about the money, well, that's part of the surprise, too. You mean there's more? I saved 12 whole dollars on the lectures, and that means the lamp doesn't cost us a thing. You saved... honey, what lectures? Didn't I tell you about that? No, dear, you didn't. Well, Bertram Stokes is giving a series of lectures on the psychology of better living. He is, huh? And the regular price is $18. I see. And just because you were suckering up to pay only six, you figured that- I didn't pay six, Jim. It was $24. You paid $24 for tickets to a bunch of dizzy lectures? Wait a minute. How did you save $12? I told you, the price for one is $18, but if a couple buys them, they're only $24 for the two. So you saved $12. Well, didn't I? Margaret. 18 times 2 is 36, and I only paid $24. And if that isn't a clear saving of $12, well, then I just don't know how to add. Honey. Yes? I think I'll go out and water the lawn. Jim, dinner's almost ready, and if you go outside- Mother! I'll come in when you call me. I'll just be in the backyard. Well, just a minute, dear. We're in the den, Betty. Honey, I've had a hard day at the office, and if I feel like watering the lawn- Mother, wait. You see what I've got? If this is the dreamiest thing- Betty, please. Your father was telling me something. He was? Oh, hello, Father. Hello, Betty. Hey, Mom. Well, I guess it's closer to dinner time than I thought. Go ahead, Father. What? Mother said you wanted to say something. Well, it's nice of you to remember. You see? Where is everybody? We're in here, bud. I'll be right in. Go ahead, dear. Why don't we just skip the whole thing? I don't understand you, Jim. You make such a big fuss about being interrupted, and then when we do listen- Honey, it isn't important. It certainly is. If you have something to say, we want you to say it. Don't we, Betty? Oh, sure. Well, all I wanted to say was- Boy, did I ever pull a fast one. Bud. Where do you see what I got, Mom? Bud, your father's here. Oh? Where do you see what I got, Dad? Margaret, why can't I just go outside? Wait a minute, Dad. You got to hear this. I don't want to hear anything. All I want to do- What in the name of heaven is that? It's an automobile horn. Oh, bud. I know it's an automobile horn, but what's it doing in here? I bought it. If that isn't the silliest thing. What's silly about an automobile horn? You don't have an automobile. I might get one someday. Bud, this will probably amaze you, but automobiles come equipped with horns. Not like this one. Listen. No! Yes, Dad? Does it always do that? Do what, Dad? Just hang there at the end. Oh, sure. The last note doesn't blow. I see. That's why I got it so cheap. If you think that's cheap, why do you see my bargain? Margaret. Betty, maybe this isn't quite the time. But look at it, Mother. The rubella of Omar Cayam in the original Persian. Willie thought he was pulling a fast one on me, but- Just a second, Bud. Betty? Yes, Father? Since when do you know how to read Persian? I don't. Then what good is- As a matter of fact, nobody in Springfield does. That's why I got it for only $3.50. You know, this is a great family. Lamps don't light, horns don't work. It's only one note, Dad. The other 14 worked fine. See? Don't push the- Did you say something, Dad? Maybe I ought to go upstairs and lie down instead. Instead of what? Never mind. Well, if we're ever going to have our dinner- Mommy! Oh, no. Jim, the child has a perfect right to come home. Well, of course she does, but- Well, I'll just get ready for the worst. Betty, I wish you wouldn't call her that. And the wristwatch didn't even work at all. What wristwatch? The one I gave Willie for the horn. You see, he thought- Oh, Mommy, wait! Kathy, how many times have you been told- It's Jimmy Woody's invention, and when you pull it down here- Kathy, your father was speaking to you. Hello, Daddy. You pull it down here, and it throws rocks. Wait a minute. You bought a machine to throw rocks? Jimmy Woody invented it. You don't break enough windows throwing them by hand. You have to have a machine. And besides, the batteries are practically new. Kathy, I want you to take that invention right back to Jimmy. But I paid him 28 cents. You ordered your mother, Kathy. It's bad enough- But this won't break any windows, Daddy. It doesn't even work. Margaret. Jim, if it doesn't work, it certainly can't do any harm. Uh, uh, I'm going outside. Don't go out of the backyard, Jim. I won't. Want me to come with you then? No, I- Stay right where you are. Some people go through their whole lives, and nothing like this ever happens to them. They get up in the morning, and everything's peaceful and calm. They come home, have a quiet dinner, listen to the radio. But not me. I have to live in a boiler factory. And my mother said there'd be days like this. But she didn't say there wouldn't be any other kind. Hi, Jim. What's going on over there? Oh, hello, Ed. Sounded like you were having a fox hunt in the living room. What's a big idea? Bud bought an automobile horn. A bargain. What for? I told you it was a bargain. Who needs any other reason? They're off on that again, huh? The whole bunch of them. Margaret's got a lamp in there that Benjamin Franklin probably threw away. Sounds bad. You ought to see it. Silly-looking piece of junk in Springfield. Now let's sit down in the swing. I don't know, Ed. Sometimes I wonder if they couldn't use a good insurance man in Siberia. You wouldn't like it. Too cold. Africa? Too hot. You know, Jim, you ought to do what my friend Bill Morgan did. He showed his wife. He did? Yes, sir. He put an end to that bargain business, but quick. How did he do that? He bought a plow. Cigarette? Thanks. I don't get it. Well, don't you see? He told her it was a bargain. Well, I still don't, Jim. He doesn't have a farm. He lives in an apartment house. Well, then why did he... Oh, get it? You mean he brought the plow into the house? Kept it right in the living room. Margaret would kill me. Oh, I don't mean you have to buy a plow. But what do you mean? Buy something silly. Like, uh... Well, a ferris wheel. Ed, look, if it isn't really as silly, it won't do any good. Buy something so cock-eyed that nobody can use it. Like, a bridge. And they'll get the idea. Ed, you might not have good ideas, but they're certainly expensive. Well, if you want to keep paying for things like that indoor sundial Margaret bought... That was a Lulu, wasn't it? Or that porous diving helmet that Bud picked up. You're just making me sicker. Okay, but don't say I didn't tell you how to stop it. You know, maybe you've got something. You know, I'd like to see their faces if you came home with 3 or 4,000 goldfish. Wouldn't that be something? Ed, let's find something inexpensively silly. Well, I was just thinking... How about a truckload of rhubarb? You picked it up cheap, huh? Keep trying. Five or six hundred windshield wipers and... I'm getting closer. Hey! I've got it! Bubblegum! What? A thousand dollars worth of bubblegum. No, wait a minute. I can't you, Jim. There'll be putty in your hands. That's it. Well, sit still, will you? Hey, where are you going? I'll see you later, Ed. I've got to call the hardware store. For bubblegum? Who wants bubblegum? I'm going to buy a hundred pounds of putty. Your father thinks he's going to teach the family a lesson, huh? Well, only time will tell if he's right about that. But ladies, lots of times there's just no question about the head of the house being right. For example, he always knows best about heartwarmingly good coffee. For your husband is the world's greatest coffee expert. Now, we're called experts too. After all, more families buy our Maxwell House coffee than any other brand. But when the fragrance of coffee you brew brings your husband to the kitchen, why, he's the only expert who counts. And tomorrow, if you fill his cup with the hearty goodness of our Maxwell House, we're sure he'll smile his delight and say, Golly, that's great coffee. Yes, that's exactly what he'll say. In fact, we'll return your money if he doesn't. You see, no other coffee can give you that same famous good to the last drop flavor. That good requires a very special recipe, one that insists on extra choice rich coffees blended just so. And only Maxwell House has that recipe. No wonder then, no coffee tastes like Maxwell House. No coffee is made like Maxwell House. So tomorrow, serve your husband the truly superb flavor of Maxwell House. If he doesn't say best coffee ever, just send us the can and unused portion and we'll refund your money. Our address is right on every familiar blue tin. Yes, offer the world's greatest coffee expert the enjoyment of coffee at its best. That's Maxwell House coffee, always good to the last drop. Dinner time has come and gone, and so has the delivery man from Mr. Wilson's hardware store. But in the Anderson's living room, there's a gay little group, five assorted Anderson's and a nice new barrel of putty. Like this. Jim, of all the idiotic things to bother. I don't see anything idiotic about it at all. I've always wanted to own a barrel of putty. But father, a hundred pounds. Well, naturally. How else do you suppose I could have gotten such a bargain? Yeah, just a minute, bud. I'd like to explain how much I really saved. You see, if you buy putty in small quantities, you know the small eight ounce cans, you have to pay for the labels and the printing and the, well, it comes to quite a good deal. Almost 50 cents a pound. Is that a lot? It certainly is. But buying it this way. Jim. In the large economy size, the whole thing came to only $10.86, or less than 11 cents a pound. Now that's a bargain. Jim. Yes, Margaret. How long will a hundred pounds of putty last? Oh, it'll last me a lifetime. If I live that long. Won't it dry up? Of course not. We're going to keep a damp cloth over the barrel. And every night, bud will go out and see that it stays damp. Won't you, bud? Holy cow. Jim, I don't know what you're trying to prove. I'm not trying to prove anything. Just that he likes putty. That's it. Why, you have no idea how good I'm going to feel. Walking down the street and hearing people say, there goes Jim Anderson. Boy, does he have putty. Yes, Betty? My book only cost $3.50. I didn't say anything about your book, did I? No, but... If you want me to, I'll put the horn in your car. You'll put that horn in my car over my dead body. How about Jimmy's invention? Kathleen, for your information, that is known as a catapult. It is? Yes, and it was invented by a Greek named Archimedes. It was not. Kathleen. Well, Jimmy's my friend, and he said he invented it. And I don't care what the other man told Daddy. The Archimedes has been dead for almost 2,300 years. Then how could he invent anything? He had a system. Oh! Jim, I realize that some of the children's things are a little ridiculous, but my mother... Holy cow, Mom, even I know a sundial's no good inside the house. It was not a sundial. It was a bird bath. Naturally, kitten, we have birds flying into our living room all the time. Now look, Jim... Wait a minute, honey, I'm on your side. After all, we bargain hunters must stick together. Mustn't we? Every single thing I have ever bought has had a sound, practical value. That's what I said. Like those broken records you picked up, very practical. Only the first couple of inches were broken off, and nobody ever listened to anything but the chorus anyway. Mother, how can you say my book is ridiculous? It's beautiful. But you can't read it. I don't have to read it. I can just hold it and feel the thrilling vibration. Feel it. Oh, stop it. Let her feel it, Betty. Just a minute, all of you. Bud, get your horn. What are you going to do with it? We're going to put it on top of your father's putty. A horn on top of the putty? That seems like a logical place for it. Then we're going to get rid of both of them. Holy cow. Go ahead, Bud. I wonder what do you say now? Holy cow. No imagination. Kathy. Do I have to get rid of my rock machine? Yes, Angel. You'd better bring it in here. Gee whiz, I never can have anything. Mother. You're going to take your book back tomorrow, aren't you, dear? But, Mother. Aren't you, dear? I suppose so. Jump and creep. All right, Jim. Now are you satisfied? How about that silly-looking lamp? It is not. I'll call Mr. Adams' first thing in the morning. Well, now we're getting somewhere. I suppose it's too late to do anything about that junk up in the attic. Jim, if you think I'm going to do one more thing. Okay, honey. As long as you get the general idea. Wait a minute. Hold everything. How about Bertram Stokes? Oh, no. That's altogether different. Well, I'm interested in the psychology of better living. Everyone is. I don't need any lectures to tell me how to live better. I know how to live better. I just can't afford it. That's all. Mr. Stokes explains how to get more enjoyment out of the simple things of life. Things that cost you absolutely nothing. Like what? What? Name one thing you can do today that costs you absolutely nothing. Jim, don't be ridiculous. There are thousands of things. Name one. Well, go ahead. There must be something. You're sitting in a park looking at birds. How long can you keep that up? Bud, stop playing with that thing and bring it in here. Okay, Dad. I tell you, Margaret, if we took the $24 you paid for those lecture tickets and invested it in stakes, we'd all be living better and without your friend Mr. Stokes. He isn't my friend. Well, whoever he is goes around the country telling people how to live. If the government would split my income tax with me, I'd show him how to live. Boy would I show him. Jim, if a few simple lectures are going to upset you that much. Just a second, honey. I'd better see you at the door. I suppose I could ask him to give me my money back, couldn't I? I don't think it'll do any good, but you can certainly try. Hello, Mr. Wilson. Mr. Anderson, I hate to disturb you like this, but the most terrible thing has happened. Well, take it easy. It can't be that bad. Just terrible. Mr. Wilson, honey. Oh, hello, Mr. Wilson. How are you tonight? Mrs. Anderson, I don't know what to say. It's a tragedy. That's what it is. What is? It's another time to happen with Mother's Day coming on Sunday and the hot house just crowded with orchids. Mr. Wilson, what happened? My brother-in-law's greenhouse. It's ruined. That's it. It is just ruined. Why, how awful. I told him not to use the tractor. My sister is the only one who knows how to drive it. But would he listen to me? Not my brother-in-law. What did he do? Run into the greenhouse? Broke every window in the north side, but every window. Mr. Wilson, we're awfully sorry. You've never seen such a mess? There's just one thing I don't understand. How do we fit into it? Mr. Anderson, we've got to put in six dozen new windows just as quickly as possible, and you have the only putty in Springfield. Now, wait a minute. You have, Mr. Anderson. I checked everywhere. Could I please buy it back? Margaret, stop looking at me like that. I was supposed to know... I don't want to profit on it, Mr. Anderson. I'll pay you anything you ask. I don't want to make anything. Just give me what I paid for it. You see, I had no idea. Oh, thank you, Mr. Anderson. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. You'll never know how grateful I am. There isn't anything to be grateful about. I had no business buying the putty in the first place. I've got to hurry back to the greenhouse. Don't you want to take the putty? I'll have the truck here for it in five minutes. And thank you again, Mr. Anderson. Thank you very much. You're welcome. Well... Margaret. I never thought that a hundred pounds of putty would be so valuable. Honey, if I hadn't bought the putty... But you did. I know I did, but it should never have left the hardware store in the first place. You've made Mr. Wilson very happy, and I'm very proud of you. If I hadn't wanted to teach you a lesson, they'd have had the putty in this whole mess. Mother! Oh, Betty, wait until you hear what your father's done. I didn't do anything. The whole thing was a mistake. Mother, if you just take a good look at my book... Mr. Wilson's brother-in-law had an awful accident at the greenhouse, and your father's putty saved the day. It did! It isn't my putty. I only bought it for a joke. All those beautiful flowers would have died if it weren't for your father's putty. Margaret, for the love of heaven... Isn't it the most wonderful thing you've ever heard? Mother, if they found a use for a silly thing like putty... But a thing like this couldn't happen once in a hundred years. Don't you think we might need somebody sometime who knows how to read Persian? Oh, I wouldn't sell the book now. You wouldn't. Margaret. Why, there's no telling how valuable it might be. I don't know. Bob, the most wonderful thing has happened. Honey, don't start that again, please. I promise not to blow the horn in the house. But you'll never guess what father did. Betty. He saved all the flowers in Mr. Houston's greenhouse. Margaret. Who's Mr. Houston? He's the man who owns the hardware store's brother-in-law. Hey. How about that? I didn't save anything. Oh, dear. Margaret, if you just tell them... Mommy, it works. Jimmy's invention works. Now look, all of you. I just wanted to see if it was fixed. Margaret, I've had enough of this nonsense. You're going to take all of that junk. Why, father? Jim Anderson, don't you dare call it junk. But five minutes ago... If you can be a hero with a ridiculous thing like putty... I can feel it. I can just feel the vibrations. But we've got to bring all those things down from the attic. You bet, mom. And I'm going to get a big rock machine. Oh, no. You know, ladies, with coffee, flavor and value are really the same thing. Flavor is the reason you buy coffee. So your best value is the coffee with the most in flavor. And at your grocers, there's one coffee famous above all others for flavor. Our Maxwell House coffee. This weekend, then, take home one of those familiar blue Maxwell House tins with the big white cup and drop. Serve a satisfyingly good cupful to your husband, the world's greatest coffee expert. When he beams and says, best coffee ever, you'll know why Maxwell House is America's favorite. Then just count all the truly delicious cups you get from each pound. You'll agree, Maxwell House is today's coffee buy. Yes, for the most in value in real coffee drinking pleasure. Make your coffee Maxwell House coffee. Always good to the last drop. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Robert Young. I have just been advised that Father Knows Best has been honored by the National Safety Council with its 1950 Award for Public Service. On behalf of the entire cast, our writer and our sponsor, I should like to express our gratitude for this signal honor. And as long as we're on the subject of highway safety, I'd like to speak directly to the more than 3 million youngsters who have signed man to man and dad to daughter agreements in our Robert Young Good Drivers Club. Spring is here and the open roads are a great temptation for racing, for joy riding, for downright recklessness. That's why I ask you to re-examine your pledge to read once more the eight rules of good driving you promised to obey. You'll do it right now, won't you? That's fine. See you later. Folks, Gainsey, the famous talking dog always says, Gain's meal. What about Gain's meal, Gainsey? Nourishes every inch of a dog. It sure does. Kennel and laboratory tests prove Gain's meal supplies balanced nourishment your dog needs for good health. Yet Gain's costs less to feed than any other type of dog food. So folks, get Gain's meal. America's largest selling dog food. Join us again next week when we'll be back with Father Knows Best, starring Robert Young as Jim Anderson, with Roy Bargy in the Maxwell House Orchestra. In our cast, where Norma Jean-Nilson as Kathy, June Whitley, Rhoda Williams, Ted Donaldson, Barney Phillips, Tim Graham, and yours truly, Bill Foreman. So until next Thursday, good night and good luck from the makers of Maxwell House, America's favorite brand of coffee. Always good to the last drop. Father Knows Best was transcribed in Hollywood and written by Ed James. Now stay tuned in for Dragnet, which follows immediately over most of these stations. Dragnet is the story of your police force in action. Listen on NBC.