 He's the singer of the hardcore bands Los Crudos and limp wrist. I can't believe he's here. I'm so excited. Please welcome Martin Seronda guy So this is a story we're called I promise not to name names My blue shorts were twisted around my ankles almost falling off my body But my low-top gym shoes kept them from going anywhere My girlfriend had her shorts off and her shirt was still on We got on top of each other skin on skin, but something was wrong Nothing really seemed to be happening a voice cut in no, that's not how it's done Yes, it is a different voice said then several more voices cut into the dispute Finally a stronger voice rose above the rest ordering me to get up The dominant of the bunch had my girlfriend lay in a different way and then grabbed me by the shoulders and guided me on to my next position Completely submissive and not understanding what the fuck was going on. I just did whatever these girls told me to do My girlfriend and I were six years old I'll never forget that day being in my yard while my mom was gardening My girlfriend appeared at the front of the house with two older girls that I had seen around the neighborhood But did not really know These girls about nine to eleven years old had come to me on a mission I was summoned so I went to see what they wanted When I got close enough for them to talk to me. They said your girlfriend wants to have your baby Do you want to have a baby with her? I said, yeah So I told my mom I was gonna go play because my girlfriend and I had been playing together for a few years now So to her it seems safe and fine The older girls then led us to a vaulted sidewalk under one of the buildings around the corner Chicago was full of vaulted sidewalks back in the 70s They became hideouts hangouts and party pats for so many of the young people We all had heard of clubhouses that were completely hidden from any adult supervision And that is where the sketchy shit would happen and there I was my studly six-year-old self about to get my friend pregnant I was ready or well. That's what they made me believe There in this dank room with a dirt floor under the city street. I stood there alongside the supposed mother-to-be Surrounded by 12 prepubescent girls. They were there to witness this special moment where I would father my first child They ordered my girlfriend and I to drop our shorts and we willingly did They had us lie down and put us in all sorts of crazy positions Most that could never produce a child, but what did we know? What did they know? They argued and bickered each one trying to seem like she knew more than the other My little girlfriend and I lay there waiting for our next command then out of nowhere We hear something familiar a voice. Oh Shit, it was her mother's voice and it was getting nearer than boom Her mom crashes the door open to this filthy dirt-floored space and sees all these girls standing around but her mom knows we are there My girlfriend manages to get her little shorts on quickly. She stands there surrounded by all these young girls She runs over to her mom mom then yells where is martino in her angry Italian accent The girls knowing they were in some shit opened a path so that I mean that I am in sight of my girlfriend's mom There I was in this muggy dungeon of a space during a very hot and humid Chicago summer day I was bent over trying to pick up those tight-ass blue shorts with the white trim The shorts had stuck to my legs and got all bunched up The only way I could have possibly gotten them up correctly was to take them off and unravel the twine that they had become I stopped when my girlfriend's mom screamed my name again Martino come over here Not knowing what the hell was really going on and now completely terrified. I stood up to look at her I was naked my little six-year-old body trembling I hobbled over to her as I kept working at my shorts until I finally got them up and The angriest thick Italian accent my girlfriend's mom said you girls are gonna get it and she quickly took us away Parents were called and punishments were had my little girlfriend and I continued to play together for a few more years After that, but from that moment on it was always with our clothes on Okay, so this next story is about being on tour With one of my bands Los Grudos in the 90s the story is called click click click. Am I close enough to this? Can you guys hear it? Okay, cool okay Los Grudos tour 1997 we are at the border between Czech Republic and Austria We are on a 90 show and 90 days tour of Europe during the winter in a big-ass bus-like van with no heat Over two months in we were fucking tired and cold. I Stupidly embarked on that tour with only a pair of converse I immediately froze my ass off in the cold UK rain starting the tour sick as a dog We stayed in squats abandoned buildings that had been occupied by people throughout Europe Most had heat in only one room or no heat at all In one of the Dutch squats there was a free box of old clothes and various items I found a pair of boots that were cool-looking almost like old worker boot me combat boots I grabbed them after all they were much better than my eternally wet gym shoes that due to the endless cold rain We're never able to dry The only setback to these boots were that they had a metal a piece of metal at the bottom So I when I walked they made a tapping sound. Yes, they were tap boots It was ridiculous, but fuck it. I needed warmth and comfort over style After a while, I just ignored the tapping, but nobody else could a Weekend earlier we had snuck our basis in and out of Poland by hiding him in a compartment in the van He was a Mexican national who was a disorganized fella and had waited to the last minute to get things done Which meant he had been denied a visa that would allow him to travel into Poland We went on tour anyway, and we smuggled him in and out The border guard had come up three steps onto our freezing van and saw Saul sitting there at the table and bench I watched him as he checked us over passports in hand and feared that if he took one more step inside and looked up He would see that the roof of the van ended and the storage compartment that are from our viewpoint laid our base player When we hid him We stuffed blankets and sleeping bags to create layers in case the authorities did a thorough search They might not see him crammed behind all that bedding Luckily the border guard did not take that step. He exited the van instead But until that door shut I was on the verge of shitting myself My nerves were shaken and I was completely on edge The borders at that time were a fucking hassle too many questions too many searches and too many currencies to change back and forth to It was tiring on this very gray cold winter day 60 days into our exhausting tour Our driver pulled over about a block away from the border where we would exit the check and drive into Austria He and his female companion were cool, but odd couple He was very tall and lanky with sunken eyes surrounded by dark rings while she was short and cute They both had euro dreaded mullet hairstyles and wore baggy clothing resembling that of the Dexys midnight runners band from the 80s think like vagabond train hopping punk Anywhere we went we would get steered at until people got a look at this guy Fear would rapidly overcome the Gaukers and they would quickly turn away He was completely aware of this and used it to his advantage on this 90-day tour We stopped at over a hundred gas stations and grocery stores and the man never paid for a thing He was a master thief on our way to the border. We stopped at a rest area less than a block away I could see the border in its guards waiting for vehicles to show up where they would do their drill Our driver and girlfriend Nonchalantly pull out a bag full of weed that they had acquired in the check from other friendly sweet smoking punks They rode several fat ass joints because the bag they had was packed We sat there and they fired joints one up at one at a time Ebro the drummer and I were straight-edge and didn't smoke or drink alcohol The other two band members party but were already partied out and we were nervous being at a border with all this shit going on We were all experiencing the same sense of fear and anxiety. We thought we were going to get busted I don't think we could hide how we felt. I almost had a panic attack and could no longer take it I was cold scared nervous and decided instead of sitting watching our drivers get stoned I would noisily tap over to go use the bathroom Unlike us bathrooms in Europe, especially in the east you had to pay to get toilet paper So when I entered the building that housed the bathrooms I was met by a really cute chubby elderly woman who had the best smile ever She greeted me and said stuff I did not understand But I understood her smile and it was so warming and after being in Eastern Europe in the middle of winter in a van with No heat this bathroom was like a sauna a wall of warmth immediately cloaked my body I paid for my toilet paper and click click click. I tapped my way into a stall. I Took my sweet time in that restroom It was so comfortable and clean compared to the abandoned buildings. We had been staying in I needed this to last after all We had another 30 dates to go before tour was over Once my toilet duties were done I was about to pull up my pants and tap away out of that bathroom, but something had occurred to me It had been a long time since I had jerked off I could not even remember the last time, but I knew it had been weeks. Who can jerk off in the cold not me Shit, I needed things to be a little more comfortable This bathroom was the perfect place. So I went for it I took care of my business and who cared my drivers probably still had 11 joints to smoke I wasn't holding anyone up. So there I shot my load cleaned up and exited the stall I Tapped over to the sink ran the warm water over my hands washed my face Got some water in my hair that had been pink when I started the tour But was now an ugly orange with roots. I was a mess Tapping my way over to the dryer. I pushed the button and had the warm air hit me I Repeatedly pushed a button to get more until I felt warm again. It was nice Once I was done. I exited the bathroom on my way out I stopped to wear the old chubby elderly lady with the wonderful smile was because I wanted to say goodbye to her But I looked around and she was nowhere to be found She must have run an errand. I waited for at least a minute, but she never came back I headed back to her van. Everyone's still seated my band mates Still watching our driver smoke joint after joint I took my spot at the table inside and set out loud you guys that is the best bathroom on this tour It is impeccable and warm the guys just looked at me expressionless Then out of nowhere the driver and his loud crazy German accent and lungs full of weed smoke said yeah, but they're fucked up I said what I said why I replied I was already getting defensive thinking. Oh, yeah Just because it's a clean bathroom and that's some dirty-ass squat toilet. It has to be fucked up As soon as this thought entered my mind and he immediately leaves and I heard his words come right at me Though I could not quite make out what he said. I asked what he repeated. Yeah, they have cameras and film you While you are on the toilet One of my band mates said really unbeknownst to everyone I had fallen into a mental darkness Wasn't complete shock the strongest feeling of fear came over me I knew something about my face looked wrong because the drummer asked what did you do? What happened? I Tried to ignore him and just said nothing. I was looking out the window and thinking about that cute old chubby lady Oh shit. She watched me jerk off and did not want to say goodbye to me. She thought I was a fucking pervert fuck Then I got extremely worried. What does she call the cops on the pervert who was masturbating in the bathroom? Oh, no, I then spoke up in a stern and serious tone to the driver smoking the hell out of that weed Hey, we should really get out of here They seemed surprised that I was being so pushy and bossy So they quickly finished up their stuff and at this point I could have cared less if our van was a pillowy cloud of pot smoke because I thought I was about to end up in some Check prison for my perversions Then I had a flashback to when I was a kid and saw midnight express fuck that cannot happen to me I never so badly wanted to cross a border in my fucking life till then We finally left the rest area drove down the block and handed our passports over to the guards They asked a few questions and we answered they walked around the van to do a quick search and I waited tensely I was hoping that I wouldn't hear sirens coming from behind Hoping a call was not made at that moment from the nice old lady telling the border guards to arrest the masturbator The fucking terror the guard came back to the driver's window Handed back our passports and allowed us through We drove away and entered Austria I finally exhaled and began to breathe normally again All of it remained so fresh in my head and as the day went on I thought about it over and over again We had smuggled people into a country had drugs in our vehicle and we're in the company of these At this point what worse could happen? Then I thought about that old cute chubby lady and imagined her selling that tape And maybe I'd end up in some low-budget porn video Oh well That was our team's first meeting ever. Is that amazing? It was really great. Thank you. I'm really happy that happened here What better place