 The makers of Wrigley's Spearman Chewing Gum invite you to enjoy life, life with Luigi, a new comedy show created by Cy Howard and starring that celebrated actor, Mr. J. Carol Nash with Alan Reed as Fiscalist. You know friends, Wrigley's Spearman Chewing Gum is a typically American product that appeals to people of all ages and nationalities in all parts of our country. And the Wrigley people feel that life with Luigi is a typically American radio program. A friendly, enjoyable show that sort of symbolizes the American spirit of tolerance and goodwill. So the makers of Wrigley's Spearman Gum are glad to bring you life with Luigi each week and have you join them in this pleasant half-hour transcribed entertainment. And now let's read Luigi's letter as he writes to his mama Vasco in it. The American is a wonderful fellow who likes to protect himself, his family, and his property. And for this, the hills, they got an insurance. It's all the kinds of an insurance to man mania. It's for all the kinds of people, for officer workers, or for soldiers, or for sailors, and for plenty of people. And if a crook thinks he's not going to make enough money, he takes out a burger for an insurance. Also, they got automobile insurance, accident insurance. And if you don't have an accident, then there's a health insurance. Also, it's a jewelry insurance, a foreign insurance, and the most common thing, life's an insurance. This is a something that makes a man rich after he's a dead. The reason I'm all right with you all about this is an insurance to mania. I'm had a little fire in my store, and luckily for me, I'm had a fire in an insurance. Vasco Ali is the maker of me taking this out to when I'm a first open up of my hands to take a story a year and a half ago. He's explained to me how, without the fine insurance, if a man is going to fire, he must run to the fire box. With a fire insurance, he don't have to run, he can walk it slow. Anyway, I'm a mania. I'm selling a lot of the insurance to the company, and I guess they're going to send me a check for me and think I'm lost in a fire. What is the time I should have gone out to my night school to class, so I'm going to finish this a little later. America, I love you. Do you like a papa to me, from ocean to ocean? That's all I chose so far about everything. Everything is done around the world. All right, class. Quiet, please, please. I'll call the roll. Mr. Vasco. Here. Mr. Howard. Here. Mr. Olsen. Here. Mr. Schultz. Don't go any further. With me, you hit the check mark. Oh, thank you, fellow boobers. You should know me is to adore me. All right, Mr. Schultz. You can take your finger out of the ink well now. Now, class, our lesson for today is on geography. Who will name the continent for us? Mr. Vasco? Hamadonah. Mr. Howard? I don't know. Mr. Schultz? You know, Ms. Bolting, you get smarter answers when you call the roll. I can see, class, that none of us studied his lesson today. Well, if you didn't study, what do you expect from us? Ms. Bolting, I am setting her quite confidently with the correct answer on the tip of my tongue. The correct answer on the tip of my tongue? Olsen, why don't you sneeze and bite off your brain? Mr. Olsen, I know that you know the answer, but I'd like to get it from the rest of the class. Well, Ms. Bolting, let me attempt a try. The continents are, well, there's Europe, Australia. That's right. Go on. What about America? Yes, that's right. There's North and South. You mean I got a choice? No, no, they're both continents, North America and South America. Mr. Schultz, you may continue. Well, there's Australia. Mr. Horowitz mentioned Australia. Well, I'm using the return trip ticket. Mr. Schultz, now, what is the name of that very cold region? I'll give you a hint. The ant? The ant? The antifreeze? Oh, Schultz, that was the ant part, ticker. That's very good, Mr. Olsen. Oh, that's so good. Why don't he get the answers the hard way like the rest of us? Why get it? Mr. Schultz, I wish that you studied your lessons as hard as Mr. Olsen. Yeah, I am always studying, even when I don't have to. Last night on the way home in the subway I read Shakespeare. Walking to the house, I enjoyed dickens. Going up the steps, I read a little Edgar Allen poem. Then you opened up the door and kissed Mark Twain. Schultz, you are just jealous of my general knowledge. All right, gentlemen, no fighting, please. Now, continuing with our lesson, we mentioned most of the continents, but one. We left out one very hot region. Mr. Baskow, what is that hot region? My aunt took a shopper. What? I had a fire there and it was a plenty hot. You had a fire in your store, Luigi? Yeah, but I'm not sure, so I'm going to get back my money. Oh, don't be so sure, Luigi. You know, my brother Ludwig had a friend who had the big fire in his store. He asked the insurance company for money. They sent over an investigator. But the end was, the company got suspicious and they wouldn't pay out one penny. Schultz, what a matter, Mr. Spicious. Oh, little thing. In the burning building, they found 30 empty matchboxes, 10 pounds of TNT, and the phonograph was playing. There'll be a hot time in the old town for that. Smile, Luigi. I'm only making a joke to cheer you up. Mr. Schultz, you're not helping Mr. Baskow with any sensible advice. You're just confusing him. Luigi, you got nothing to worry about. All that the fire starts, Luigi. Yeah, what did you do? Nothing. I'm one of the warm-up of some Super Margarita and you saw my little match. Spark is a jumper to the curtain. I'm going to try to put out the fire with a nozzle paper and the papers are going to fire. So I'm going to throw the paper on the antique chairs and they was just started to burn. Then I'm going to spill a bottle of water on the fire. But it turned out there wasn't a water in the side. Was a kerosene. Himmel. How many did you wrong, Schultz? Oh, no, no, no, no. You did what any other normal firebuck would do. Mamma mia, you know how many would do nothing wrong. Class, I'm going to write a letter telling all about this to the insurance company. You think I'm going to get in the trouble? Well, since you're only going to get in good with them. Mr. Schultz, will you stop it? Now, Mr. Baskow, you have nothing to worry about. You wrote a letter to the insurance company. Now I would tell them what was burned and how much it cost. That's right. Then they send over the adjuster and you get your money. That's all there is to it, Luigi. Thank you, friends. Then I'm going to have another trouble, huh? Who knows, Luigi? If you ask for the money, what's the worst that can happen? Will the insurance company get suspicious? Will they send over detectives to question you? Will they hound you with a million questions and call you a pyromaniac? Are you sure, sir? Will they? Certainly, the company's got to have some fun for their money. Luigi, my friend. Hello, Luigi. Hello. Hello. Hello, Pusqually. Hello, Luigi. How's the matter? You look like something terrible is happening to you, like a catheter freeze. Pusqually, I'm having a little fire in my store. Can I ask my night-schooler class what I should do? Ms. Pauling, as you say, I'm going to put down what's the cost of the insurance company. Sure, sir. I'm going to get into trouble. Harder, which is to say, not to worry. And now I don't know. Sure. Sure. Go to everybody for advice, but your friend, Pusqually, and what's to happen and nothing. All the time, you running around like a crazy little mouse looking for a piece of cheese. Well, all the time, I'm sitting here with my bigger trap. He was so right, Pusqually. Nobody got a bigger trap than you. That's a funny thing. When I'm saying it, it's a come-out of difference. Ah, Luigi, there's no problem. All you've got to do is fill out a claim, adjust as they come. He's investigating you. Then they send you proof of loss of which you're signed. Then comes a check. Pusqually, how's it coming? You know so much. Simple, Luigi. I'm going to have a little fire in my store every six months. Every six a month? Sure. Otherwise, how could I pay for my fire insurance policy? For a Pusqually, is that the nice thing? Oh, stop talking like a green horn of boob. Look, Luigi, fires can be helped sometimes. If you don't have a fire and I don't have a fire, what's going to happen to all the firemen? They've got to pack up in their rubber boots and their pickaxes, their checkered games that go on the release. And all those little red fireboxes on the corner, they're going to be used for slot machines. Now sit down, Luigi. I get a piece of paper and we start to make out of your flame. Oh, thank you, Pusqually. You really helped me. Oh, don't bother to thank me now, Luigi. Thank me later after the damages are done. I mean, after you reported the damages. Now tell me, what was the first thing was a burn? Well, it was the colonial check cost me $12. Uh-huh. What else? Spending a wheel, $18. Curtains, $3. That's all, Pusqually. $33 altogether. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay, Luigi, I'm going to finish your list. Here it is. Alexander Hamilton, the chair, $50. What? Betsy Ross is spending a wheel of $600. Friendship Tapestry, $200. Ms. Galanius, $200. Makes it a $1,050. What are you doing? And that's not the one other things that cost to me. Luigi, first the thing that you've got to learn and when you make a claim to the insurance company, you always multiply by 72. Actually, American away. The American away? To multiply by a 72? But why? Because when the company pays off, they divide it by 56. In this way, you outsmart them. You ahead it by 18%. I don't worry. Put down all this the company is going to offer you nothing. You compromise in between and in the end, you're still ahead of $400. Ms. Galanius, you sure it's a right to ask us so much money? Luigi, would I lead you wrong? Don't answer that. Now go, go Luigi, go. As long as you sign the paper, I'm going to mail it to you. I'm going to take care of everything. All right, Mr. Galanius. I'm going to thank you. I don't know what Thomas would do without you. That's all right, Luigi. What a good attorney that deserves another. Go, go. Goodbye. Don't worry, little cop, but you push. Oh, wait till the insurance the company sees these are high prices. And wait till the cops arrest him for perjury. Then he's going to come and run him to me. Pasquale, get him me out of jail. Get him me out of jail and I'm Mario Rosa. What a good attorney that deserves another. By the time I'm with through with him, he's going to have so many good turns his hands are going to come off. Before we return to life with Luigi, I'd just like to mention the enjoyment you can get by chewing delicious Wrigley's Spearmint Gum. Whether you're indoors or outdoors, working or simply taking things easy, you can slip a stick of Wrigley's Spearmint into your mouth and you're all set for some good chewing. You see, Wrigley's Spearmint Gum has lots of lively, refreshing, real mint flavor. It not only tastes good, but it also cools your mouth and helps sweeten and the smooth, easy chewing adds enjoyment to whatever else you're doing. So treat yourself to Wrigley's Spearmint Chewing Gum often. It's good and good for you. Now let's turn to page two of Luigi Vasco's letter to his mother in Italy. I had a soul mom and me for squallies and sent her to my clamor for a thousand and a fifty dollars for the thirty three dollars of worth of antiques so that there was a burden. But a funny thing is happening. It claims a man who was a telephone board and instead of settling, he's the sound of very angry. I'm a got a word so I'm a call up a squallie and he's the comrade on it. Hey, Luigi, what's the matter? Call up a squallie, claims a man who's a columnist this morning and he's the said he's the comrade on it and he's the sound of very angry. You think maybe we was asking too much? Oh, Luigi, stop. I've played you a dozen of times. You gotta give them a high price because before you can collect, the company likes to bargain a little. That's called a collective bargain. Squallie, are you sure I'm not going to get into trouble? That's impossible. Luigi, even if a voice was to come to voice, are you protected by the AF of L? AF of L? Yes, the aliens are fire losses. Now stop being such a pessimist because I... Hello. I'm Mr. Johnson, just for the empire fire insurance company. Which one of you is Mr. Basko? That's a me. Mr. Basko, will you show me the items that were burned? Right there. A likely looking mess. Good. I'm glad you like it. Now, Mr. Basko, you have this chair down for $50. Don't you think it's too high? No, it's not a high chair. Oh, what a dope. You see, Mr. Johnson, I don't know what he's saying. It goes to school in the nighttime. He only speaks a good English in the dark. Let me handle this, please. Just look at these items. $450, $200, $200. All I notice around here is a lot of junk and a collection of oily rag all over the place. Mr. Basko, do you think it's possible the fire was started by spontaneous combustion? Who? Spontaneous combustion. I don't know, I don't even know that as a fellow. You've got a excuse to have him, Mr. Johnson. He's only a short time in this country. Don't understand English. It's so good. Maybe you tell him me and English the questions and I interrupt him and the tally. You know? Well, would you tell him the meaning of spontaneous combustion? I think we ought to be wasting our time because they don't eat that stuff in Italy. I'll see you here, Mr. Basko. Let's be honest about this. Here's the damage right before our eyes. Wouldn't you say the actual damage is about to... Well, let's be fair. Five dollars. Five dollars? Look ahead, Mr. Claims, the man. A bargaining is a bargaining. Would you begin the bargaining from the basement or you might as well go home? Is that so? Yes, that is so. Well, there's no point in my staying here. Mr. Basko, I'm going to recommend to my company that they pay you not one red cent. And what's more, I'm going to have them investigate you. Luigi, my fellow Hoover. Hello, sir. Luigi, what's the matter? You sound like a worm that looks at its face and says, this is the end. Now, what happened to you? Basko, what is it telling me to ask for more money because AF of L is helping me multiply by 72, so inflammation of blazes and all come out right because I'm got a spontaneous combustion. Oh, that screaming Pashkwali, has he got you for shimmels? What's the part of all the shows suggest the fellow has come and he says he's not going to pay me nothing for the fire? But how much did you ask for this stuff? One thousand and a fifty dollar. One thousand and fifty dollar? Himmel, for that money they could settle for the Chicago fire of 1871. Oh, you little stupid cop, why did you listen to that Pashkwali? Don't you know whenever Pashkwali gives you any advice behind it he's got a 250-pound ulterior motive? Rosa? Schuster, then you think I'm a little longer with this acclaim? Oh, I know so. Luigi, the next time you want to have a fire call me first. What am I going to do with you? Schuster, what does the acclaim a fellow's going to do to me? Plenty. Just because it's a fire insurance company don't mean they got money to burn. Schuster, what am I wanting to do? Smile. Schuster, do you think if I'm a go straight to the insurance company I'm a better off? Ah, sure. Just go down to the insurance company, tell the big chief there everything that happened, and maybe he'll settle with you right on the spot. You think so, Schuster? Sure. Now smile, Luigi. Be like me always happy, always loving, huh? Oh, Schuster. Well, I hear it is empire, fire and insurance company. Come on, I'm going to hope everything is going to come out all right. I'm better talk to what a girl about it does get. Pardon me, miss. Yes. I'm going to policy here is about a fire on my head. Oh, did you bring it with you? How am I going to bring a fire? You see, I have a purpose of my name, a Luigi basket, 21 and not the whole of the city, Chicago, Fort Illinois. Mm hmm. Did you fire your claim? If I'm a what? Did you fire your claim? You mean that the edges has got to be even? Mr. Vasco, just who did you wish to see? I'm a like to talk what a chief of claims have fell on telling me he should have tied up on my claim at this time. I'm not a fire. Mr. Vasco, why don't you go to the claims department and tell them your troubles? He's the second door to the left. Thank you. Mama, I'm a hope I'm doing right. There's so many offices in that continent, this disabustiment, president. Hey, president, maybe I'm sure that why not? Go ahead, Luigi, take a chance. In America, the best is as big as anybody else. Yes, come here. Hello. I'm a Luigi Vasco fellow who's ahead of the fire. What? Well, have a seat, Mr. Vasco. All right, Mr. President, I think I think I'm a man a lot of trouble for your company. I don't want to sound like I'm complaining, but you see, I'm ahead of the fire. Mr. Vasco, where I understand your anxiety about getting compensation, but you should have no fears on that score. Empire Fire Insurance is a bona fide, reputable A1 company and we make good on all legitimate clings. But, Mr. Vasco, what would you say if I told you we had as many as 10,000 fires a year? I would have said you should have been more careful. You missed the point. Please, Mr. President, I'm going to send the bigger claimant to your office. Then a fellow has to come and he... Oh, you sent your claim in and did we send you a draft to take care of your fire? And there was another draft so I'm going to put him out there with the water. What? Mr. President, believe me, I'm going to like it to make a trouble over your company. Trouble? No, Mr. Vasco, Empire Fire Insurance has unlimited assets. How much money are you asking us for? Twenty million dollars. All right, I'm a taker. What? I'm a taker. I mean I'm a taker whatever you want to give of me. Mr. Vasco, there are certain preliminary formalities which was first to be taken care of before your claim is settled. You've had your fire, you've sent in your claim, now go home and stop worrying. You're building a big thing out of this fire. I'm going to be the only thing to save you now is to get the best illegal of brains that money can abide. Mr. Vasco, you know I'm got no money. How am I going to do this? Well, I might have been willing to help out and Luigi, if I get you a lawyer, it won't be just a regular lawyer. I'm going to get you a lawyer with a license. Mr. Vasco, Luigi, after all, I'm a part of responsible for getting you in this trouble, so I've got to get a lawyer for you. Mr. Vasco, you want to do this for me? Sure, little banana nose. Mr. Vasco, you must a wonderful man in the world. Sure. Now, I'm going to do you a little favor. Maybe you're going to do me a little favor. My daughter, Rosa. Well? Well, what am I going to say? All right, Mr. Vasco. Go! That's the kind of man I like, a coward. Now, I'm going to call it in the blush and the bribe. Rosa! Rosa! Rosa! Yes, my little baby doll. Rosa, say hello to Luigi. Hello, Rosa. Hello, Rosa. He's a saint and a beautiful and luscious and somebody Luigi would like to take away the hair with the Niagara Falls. Could you guess who? Eddie Lamar. Oh, shut up, you boys. Now, about the wedding, children. Hello. Mama mia, that's the claims of fellow Hissaback. Luigi, just be quiet. The president? Look, please, I'm explaining. Don't mind him, Mr. Jester. He's a nusbicker English. Well, the president has ordered me to settle his claim with satisfaction to all parties concerned. Now, Mr. Bersko, let's forget what happened before. How much would you take for your fire damage? Mr. Bersko, it's not our intention to frighten you into any unjust settlement. How about 233 dollars? No, 30 things. How about 200? No. 150? No. How do you like that? They change your places, the shoes on the other foot. Place, Mr. Claim, just talk to me, this fellow is only a year and a half with your wage, 33 dollars. That's dishonest. The 33 dollars is what the stuff costs to Louise. Just a minute. For you. I'm a pasquale, that's who I am. I'm a landlord here. Well, well, Mr. Bersko, in my investigation here, I found seven different fire violations. I'll be very happy to report these to the fire commissioner and see that you pay the fire. So, there's only one way to deal with his fire insurance company. Never have a fire. Yeah, I guess you like the pasquale. Well, let's come in the back at the happiest patient to Louise. Are you wedding with a rose? Yes, you're wedding. Louise, just to matter with you. Matter? Yes. Don't you understand me? No. I'm only a year and a half with the company and I'm a woman. I realize how good is an insurance for protection. Right now, I'm what took out all kinds of insurance. I'm got accident insurance, health insurance, and a life insurance. But now I would be the happiest man in the world before the I'm going to take out the one other kind of an insurance. Marriage insurance is to protect me from roses. You're loving a son of Louise Bersko, I'm going to have a picnic at the restaurant. All right. Right. Thank you. This is my first experience . Thank you. See how diverse people have been out there and just The delicious Wrigley Stearman Dumb doesn't help you feel better and work better. To make this a Wrigley Stearman Dumb, I invite you to listen next week at the same time when Luigi Vasco writes another letter to his mama Vasco in Italy. Life with Luigi was transcribed and was produced and directed by Cy Howard and is written by Mack Benoff and Lou Dermott. J. Carol Mack is starred as Luigi Vasco with Alan Reed as the quality, Hans Connery as the show, Jody Gilbert as Rosa, Mary Shipp as Miss Baldwin, Joe Forte as Horowitz and Kempsey as his host. Music is under the direction of Vlad Glaston. Be sure to join Luigi Vasco, the little immigrant, next Tuesday at the same time when once again CBS invites you to live life. Life with Luigi. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.