 The Jack Benny program transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike. This is Don Wilson. Friends, think back for just a minute to that last cigarette you smoked. Wasn't the taste of that cigarette the thing you really enjoyed? Of course it was. Smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste. And many millions of smokers will tell you that Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. One reason is fine tobacco. You know, LSMFT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Tobacco that is light, naturally mild, good tasting. And another, Lucky's are made better. Made to draw freely. Made to smoke evenly. Made to give you what you want from your cigarette. Better taste. So for all the real deep down smoking enjoyment you want, ask for the cigarette that definitely does taste better. Lucky Strike. Get a carton and be happy. Go Lucky. Be happy. Go Lucky. Get better taste today. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston Rochester, Tennessee. Bob Crosby and yours truly, Don Wilson. Every spring as soon as the warm weather starts in California, Jack Benny and his gang take a day off and go out to the beach. As we look in on Jack's home, he and Rochester are preparing for this annual picnic. Rochester, have you got everything? I think so, boys. Crows, bathing caps, suntan oil. Uh huh. Did you pack enough lunch? I put in some sandwiches, potato salad, pickles, celery, olives, and 60 hard boiled eggs. 60? How come we've got so many hard boiled eggs? Don't you remember you were faster than any of the kids on Easter morning? I guess I was pretty lucky. Now Rochester, I wonder if we should fill the thermos bottle with orangeade or lemonade. I suggest lemonade. That'll mix with anything. Look, we're just going to have soft drinks. If I take a long soft drink, it's not going to be used as a mixer. It's not? No. Okay, but when the musicians find out it's just plain lemonade, you're going to have another riot in cell block 11. You needn't worry about that, Rochester. The musicians aren't coming this time. They'll be just my gang and the kids from the Beverly Hills Beavers Club. Boys, you've been running that Beavers Club for a long time, haven't you? Yes, sir. The club remains the same, but the kids come and go. Mr. Bandy, have you ever heard from any of the original members? Yep. One of them's Vice President Nixon now. If I'm ever in Washington, I must look him up. He left owing 15 cents in dues. Now, Rochester, I want to take along my swim fins and diving mask so I can practice spear fishing. Maybe you'd like to try it out this afternoon. No, thanks. I don't want to go down there. I might run to a shark or an octopus. You mean if you had your knife and your spear, you'd still be afraid of an octopus? Yes, sir. Why? Boys, there's something romantic about having two arms around you, but the mood changes as the number increases. Look, Rochester, there's nothing to be afraid of. An octopus always gives warning by putting out an ink-like fluid. Yeah, but it would just be my luck to run into one of those paper-made kindness leak proof. Now, that's silly. Silly or not, I don't want anything to do with any octopuses. All right, Rochester, but for your information, the plural of octopus is not octopuses. It's octopi. You shouldn't be afraid of them. They're completely dumb, unintelligent creatures. They have no reasoning powers at all. They operate completely on instinct. Believe me, Rochester, they're more afraid of you than you are of them. You saw me, boss, but who's going to sell the octopi? If you ever have octopi, I'll emote. The silliest thing I ever thought of. I just thought of it, though. Look, Rochester, forget it. You finish the packing. He's ready to go to the picnic. I don't know why I bothered to tell Rochester that the plural of octopus is octopi. He isn't going to hang around for more than one anyway. I don't know why he's so... Hello, Bob? Oh, Bob, this is Jack. What time do you want to leave? Well, it's 11 now. I'd like to get going before noon. Okay, then you pick me up. So long. Bye. Who was it, Bob? Oh, that was Jack. He wanted to know if we were ready. How's everything packed? Good. And June, I think I'll take along an extra pair of swimming trunks for Jack. You know, I don't want him to embarrass everybody like he did in Palm Springs. Well, Bob, that wasn't altogether Jack's fault. Don't you remember he forgot his and had to borrow one? Well, all right, so he borrowed a suit from Mary, but did he have to wear the top? Not only that, honey, but you should have heard him trying to explain his tan to the boys in the steam room. Oh, Jack's taking the beavers and the whole gang. Oh, is Dennis Day coming again? Yeah. Oh, you're not still mad at him from last year, are you? Certainly I am. What a stupid kid. Yeah, but, June, he... Imagine him coming up to me and saying, the last one in the water is a rotten egg. I was in over my head before I realized I still had my clothes on. Oh, Dennis is always pulling that trick. Well, if I'm going to pick Jack up in my car, I'd better call Don Wilson and ask him to pick Dennis up. Must be just called. You're supposed to pick up Dennis. Okay, I'll be out in a second, Lars. I'm trying on my new bathing suit. Well, hurry, dear. I've got the lunch pack, the towels, and everything else. Well, here I am. How do I look? Oh, they look fine. Turn around. Okay. These are Catalina's swim trunks. I know. From the back, you look like Avalon. Really, dear, you should go on a diet. Oh, but, Lars, you know, I've tried everything to lose weight. I even went to that psychiatrist last week. I did every kind of test. Then he said my tendency toward obesity was caused by my psychosomatic obsessions, which might be terminated by prefrontal lobotomy, provided my alter ego repressed my subconscious porcine tendencies. My goodness. What does that mean? I eat like a pig. You overeat, Don. Not only is it making you heavy, but it's wearing out your teeth. Now, who can that be? Probably the sportsmen quartet. We're going to ride to the beach with us. Hi, fellas. You all ready to go to the beach? By the sea, by the sea, by the beautiful sea You and I, you and I On each wave comes the rolling in We will duck or swim And we'll float and fool around With a small dab of glue, Benny won't lose his hair We love to be beside your side, beside your sea Beside the seaside, by the beautiful sea Pismo Beach, Pismo Beach That's where we want to be With an L and an S, L, S, M, F, F, T Round and firm and so fully packed Yes or it's a fact That a lucky strike is better tasting Light up a luck, see how well it is made And we know you'll declare I have the smoke, I like a better tasting lucky strike Beside me, by the beautiful sea Beside the seaside, by the beautiful sea Rochester, carry all the stuff out in front of the house So we'll be ready as soon as Bob Crosby comes by Okay, by the way Mr. Benny You know you said I could have tonight off And I'd like to go to the movies That's right, what about it? Well, yesterday was paid in You forgot to pay me Oh, that's right I'm sorry about that Rochester I'll write you out a check right now You think they can cash it at the movie? Boys, they can cash my check at the popcorn stand Never mind, now let's get this stuff Out in front of the house I'll help you That's it Now let's pile it all up here by the curb Do we have everything Rochester? Let's see what's here The thermos jug, lunch basket Plates, towels, extra bathing suits Then we got the bathing caps The swim fins, surfboard, beach umbrella Portable stove, coffee pot and beach chairs Yeah, she'd make quite a pile here on the sidewalk Mr. Benny, they're evicting you Why, Mr. Kitzel Oh no, Mr. Kitzel, I'm not being evicted We're just preparing to go to the beach Ooh, that sounds pleasant Yeah, why don't you join us? Oh, this I'd love to do But I'm on my way to the baseball game And I'd rather watch a baseball game Than anything else Oh, I didn't know you were a baseball fan A fan? I used to play professionally No kidding What position did you play? Picture, I was known as Christie Kitzel Well, I'll be... So you were a baseball pitcher You know, I'm surprised you never heard of me In my last game I established a record I pitched a no-hitter A no-hitter? Gosh, that's wonderful What was the score? 26 to nothing, we lost You lost, but Mr. Kitzel You said you pitched a no-hitter I did, but who-who-who-who, did I walk them? Then I suppose you gave up the idea of being a pitcher Yeah, funnily did, I became an outfielder A good one, I hope Pretty, pretty good As a matter of fact, Mr. Benny Many years ago, Jody Maggio and I Tried out for the same position with the Yankees Oh, it's a shame, Jody Maggio beat you out Yes, you should see what I marry Say, by the way, Mr. Kitzel, you... You know, you've mentioned your wife so many times And yet you've never told me her name What is your wife's name? Marilyn, but there the resemblance ends You know, Mr. Kitzel, you're always talking about Your wife being homely If your wife is so homely, why did you marry her? Who am I, Robert Taylor? Oh, I see what you mean Well, I got to dash along to the baseball game I don't want to be late Goodbye, Mr. Benny Goodbye, Mr. Kitzel, goodbye Gee, I'm sorry he couldn't come to the beach with us Yeah, he's always a lot of fun Say, Mr. Benny, who are the kids from the beavers Going to the beach with? Well, they're gonna meet over at Dennis's house And Don Wilson is picking them all up Gee, I hope the kids won't be late Well, let's hurry Yeah, I don't want to be late on my first doubting With the beavers Don't worry, Tiger, we won't Gosh, it was awful nice of Mr. Benny To plan his day at the beach for us Yeah, we're lucky kids Having a great man like Mr. Benny Coaches He's a champion at everything Maybe today at the beach he'll teach me to swim Is Mr. Benny a good swimmer? He's the best swimmer in the whole world He told us he even swam the English Channel So what? Lots of people have swam the English Channel Underwater? Lots of things Like, like during his college days when he was at Yale He defeated the entire Harvard swimming team All by himself Gee, if he was that good when he was young Why didn't he get on our Olympic team? I don't know I guess I just didn't have Olympics in those days I believe that Mr. Benny is such a fast swimmer Remember, we saw him swimming in his pool the other day And he looked awful slow Well, it's hard to swim with all your clothes on Is Mr. Benny in the pool with his clothes on? Then his day came over to him and he yelled Last what ends a rotten? Not Mr. Benny teaching Johnny Why Smaller to Swim And Dad said he probably also taught him to toss and yell Why? Did your father ever hear Mr. Benny scream like that? Oh sure, lots of times What did your father do? Oh, he works for the income tax department I'm not going to let me go today Until I told them we had a grown-up going with us Yeah, and they don't have to worry Mr. Benny takes real good care of us when we go to the beach He sees that we behave and that we don't play too rough And that we never eat anything that might make us sick Yeah, only today I kind of wish he'd let me take a chance And buy a frank footer at one of the stands Me too I'm tired of those peanut-bitter sandwiches he always brings And they cost more than hot dogs too Say we better walk a little faster We don't want to be late getting the deadest day's house I've got the lunch all ready for you Well, thank you mother Now have you got everything else? Yes mother, my swimming trunks, towel, and my beach umbrella Good, remember what I told you I want you to sit in the shade of the umbrella all the time Must I, mother? Yes, Dennis Enough people are saying you've been out in the sun too long already And that reminds me, do you have enough suntan oil? Oh yes, I've got a whole bottle Good, and this time remember, rub it on, don't drink it Okay, G-mother, I do wish you were coming to the beach with us I do too, mainly out of curiosity You know, I've never seen Benny in a bathing suit He must be awfully thin Yeah, when he puts on a bathing cap he looks like a plumber's friend I'm ready to go now You know, mother, I remember once you and dad took me to the beach when I was a little boy Remember the fun we had And remember the games we played Yes, remember how we buried you in the sand Yeah, and the next day the cop made you come back and dig me up again Your expression first started Oh, what expression? Dig that crazy kid I'll still have some time before Don Wilson gets here Why don't you sing a song for me? All right, mother, I'll do the one I'm going to do on Mr. Benny's show next Sunday Our before it gets too dark That's Don Wilson Gee, Mr. Benny, this picnic is real fun Only you should have invited more girls Who, for instance? Well, the two CBS telephone operators Gee, I didn't think of them You know, they came along last year They're real fun, too Especially that Mabel Flapsaddle Yeah, every time you threw that stick in the water She'd bring it back in her teeth Yeah, and the money she'd save on towels She'd always shake herself dry Now, come on, everybody, out of the water Fire, let's start a fire I'm baseball first to dry off Hey, that's a good idea Now, the Beavers and I will play baseball I'll play against the rest of you guys Okay, we'll be up first Johnny, you'll be the umpire Okay, Bob All right, all right, Beavers Get out in the field I'll pitch I'll bat first I'm ready, Jack Come on, Mr. Benny Put her right over the plate Okay, here goes Why don't I tell my mom about this It'll make her mother's day perfect Don't be so smart And that's enough baseball for now Let's all get dressed And then we'll start the fire Okay, everybody, bring all that driftwood here And pile it in the center Now, I'll start the fire Hey, Jack, we just got wood No paper to start it with That's right Look around for some paper, kids Hey, we can start it with this I just found some dry seaweed Dennis, give me that It slipped off my head I found some paper I found a bunch, Mr. Benny Here you are Oh, thanks, Harry Now put the wood over it Now light it Fire will be going in just a few minutes So get your marshmallows ready Hey, wait a minute, fellas Who's this man coming toward us? Where? Oh, yeah Oh, you fellas having a picnic? There ain't much of a fire you got there Hmm You'll never cook anything on that Look, mister You're supposed to cross the sticks When you build a fire And leave room for the air under there Look, don't tell me how to build a fire I used to be a Boy Scout With that seaweed on your head You look like Father Neptune Look, fella, this is a private party Mr. Benny, I can get rid of him Dennis, keep out of this Now, mister, why don't you go away And leave us alone What's the matter? It's a free beach I can go wherever I want to Mr. Benny, I'm sure I can get rid of him Well, all right, Dennis Go ahead and try Okay Last one in is a rotten egg Ladies and gentlemen A 90% of all forest fires Each year are man-caused A campfire that is almost out A lighted match or cigarette that is tossed away Could burst into hungry flames And destroy millions of acres of vitally needed timberland So when you're in the country Be absolutely sure you put out every fire Every match, every cigarette Completely out Remember, only you can prevent forest fires Thank you Jack will be back in just a minute But first, here's a word from America's Poet Laureate, Ogden Nash Somebody once went through my poems And made a list of the things I disliked It's a pretty long list, too However, in the list of things I like They said he likes good eating Of course I like good eating I like good anything Good fun, good smoking Naturally, I smoke luckies To put it poetically I hope I'm not a crank But I've got one foible I don't enjoy anything unless it's enjoyable I'm panicky about what I like And for 30 years, I've smoked Lucky Strike Thanks, Ogden Nash There's more truth to that than poetry Smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste And the fact of the matter is Luckies taste better Cleaner, fresher, smoother For two good reasons First, L.S.M.F.T. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco And fine tobacco means better taste Second, luckies are made better To draw freely and smoke evenly That, too, means better taste for you So be happy, go lucky Luckies taste better Cleaner, fresher, smoother Lucky Strike, Lucky Strike Well, ladies and gentlemen That concludes another program And we'll be... Now there's a phone Excuse me Hello? Oh, hello, Mary Oh, you heard from your mother? She got the flowers I wired to yesterday For Mother's Day Good Was she surprised when the Western Union boy brought them to the door? Oh, she's the Western Union boy Well, I'm glad she got him Goodbye, Mary Happy Mother's Day, everybody Here's a pair of cigarettes