 Craft presents the Great Gilder Slave. This company will also bring you big talk every Thursday night, presenting each week at this time Harold Perry is the Great Gilder Slave, written by Leonard L. Levin. We'll hear from the Great Gilder Slave in just a moment. But first, the good word for all you thrifty women who are looking for ways to cut food bills. The product called craft dinner is just your dish. For craft dinner, it gives you the economical way, the quick way to make delicious macaroni and cheese, drenched with cheese goodness. With craft dinner, you make fluffy, tender macaroni drenched with cheese goodness in just seven minutes cooking time. You see, every craft dinner package contains a special quick cooking macaroni and an envelope of craft grated so you can sprinkle in cheese goodness in a jiffy. Won't you try this economical, delicious macaroni and cheese tomorrow? A main dish ready in seven minutes is a big help on wash day. Tomorrow morning, ask your dealer for a package of craft dinner. For the past few days, our friend, Brock Morton P. Gilder Slave, has been the victim of a baffling attack of the sneezes, and so far he hasn't found out the cause. Could it be some allergy or is his mustache starting to back up on him? Come on, let's visit the Great Gilder Slave and find out. And as I was saying, Marjorie, every time I... I... I... I... Because I'm tight. Eh, don't mention it. Every time you want, Uncle Morton. Every time I... I... I... A button pops off my vest. Oh, that's too bad. Yeah, you bet. I'm on my fourth vest now. Yeah, and that last sneeze broke both your shoe laces. Yeah? Oh, well, I've got to find some way of stopping this sneezing before I blow my blades out. Eh... Eh... Eh... Oh, I didn't do it that time. Because of time. Yeah, well, you don't have to mention it. No, Uncle Morton, I really think you should see a doctor. Now, this may be something serious. Sure, or whatever it is, there's nothing to be sneezed at. Then why am I sneezing? Oh, there must be something you're allergic to. Yeah, I know it. I'm allergic to sneezing. No, Uncle, something else is wrong. Now, why don't you go right downtown and see Dr. DePyster? Who in the name of the male brothers is Dr. DePyster? Well, I understand he's wonderful. Allergies are his specialty. Oh, you mean he's an anti-sneeze man? Yes. Florence Forman told me he cured her. Found she was allergic to gasoline, so she sold her car. Wasn't that a little drastic? Oh, no. After she got Dr. DePyster's bill, she had to, anyway. Well, I hate to blow in a lot of money on my nose, Marjorie. Excuse me, Miss Marge, but I'm just making up your room. And you know that little kitty of yours? Ah, you mean my itty-bitty-pitty kitty? Itty-bitty all for corn sake. Yep. What's he been up to now, Bertie? If that's what you're making for that infant in the Navy on a county, he gave you that pussycat. Don't tell me you found that. You're welcome. The kitten got into nipping. Oh, that's a shame, Marjorie. What did he try to do? Pull a wool over his eyes? Yep. Yeah, and on him it don't look good. Oh, dear. Did he do much damage, Bertie? Just looky here. I brought the sweater in. What sweater? That thing is more snarls than a cage full of tigers. Why, it's he, uh, oh. It's what, Uncle? It's you. Help! James, that one made the windows wobble. The windows, eh? Good. I thought it was my teeth. Really, Uncle Mort, you must go downtown and see Dr. DePyster. Oh, nonsense, Marjorie. Why should I let a trivial, you, you, help? Well, maybe someday soon. Come on, what are we waiting for? Where is that doctor? But, Marjorie, I haven't sneezed once since we left home. Just my luck. When the doctor asks me how I do it, I won't be able to show him. Oh, now sit down, Uncle. Relax and look at the magazine. Magazine? Oh, all right. There's an article in the National Geographic for May 1916. I never did finish. Uncle, you won't find that here. Why not? This is the doctor's office, isn't it? But this is a young doctor. Makes no difference, my dear. When a boy decides on a medical career, what's the first thing he does? I don't know. Why? He starts saving magazines. That's one of the reasons he has to be an intern so long. Just to age his National Geographic. Oh, Uncle. Why do they always have the National Geographic? Well, it's all about far away places. Anybody who sits in a doctor's office would rather be someplace far away. Oh, excuse me. Are you Mr. Gildersleeve? Yes. Well, the doctor will see you now. This way, please. Yeah, what's he so cheerful about? The way she chirps, she'd make Florence Nightingale sound like a mudlark. Now, you go right ahead, Uncle Moore. Well, all right, my dear. But I'm feeling dandy now. Oh, this is Mr. Gildersleeve, doctor. How do you do, uh, Gildersleeve? Gildersleeve? Any relation to Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve? Oh, yes. That's me. Oh, it is. Well, now, where'd I hear that name before? I phoned you an hour ago. That's where I heard it. I never forget a face. What seems to be your trouble? Sneezing. Oh, you're having trouble sneezing? Oh, no, I'm not having trouble sneezing. I'm having trouble sneezing. For the past four or five days, that's all I've been doing. Yeah, monotonous, isn't it? Yes, I'm starting to get a permanent wave in my nose. Every morning I get up and sneeze all the corn flakes out of my bowl. I know what to do with that. I say I know what'll cure that. What? Oatmeal. Well, you'd better remove your clothes, please. And while you're doing that, I'll ask you a few questions. Yeah? Does anything you eat make your eyes water? Yeah, raw onions. Any food cause violence sneezing? Well, black pepper does. Any favorite dish that causes spots to appear on you? Oh, yes, yes. I get spots from soft-boiled eggs. From eggs? Where? On my necktie. But really, Doctor, I wish you could see me sneeze. My eyes pop out so far. It looks like I'm going to expel the pupils. That's interesting. Suppose you show me how you do it. I can't. I haven't sneezed once since I left home. Most interesting. Eliminates one type of allergy that's very difficult to cure. What's that? The auto-infectious variety, when a person's allergic to himself. Oh, well, I couldn't have that. I like me. Yes. Your trouble seems to be localized somewhere at home. That makes the problem much simpler. Oh, of course. All I have to do is move. Well, goodbye. One second, please. We'll never find the trouble by moving away from it. I don't want to find it. I just want to lose it. Then we must conduct a series of tests. And I believe the best place to do that is in your home. Shouldn't take us long to locate the trouble, not more than a year. It's just a year? Yes, if we're lucky. And now, let me listen to your heart. Take quietly. Yeah, okay. Hmm, you must have a heart of oak. I'd better listen again. Most interesting. Excuse me, doctor, but somebody's at the door. Oh, oh, I see. What is it? It's time to take your pills, doctor. No, I won't. I hate pills. Go away. By the way, doctor, how much is this going to cost? Oh, not much. Just $50 for each series of tests. All right, that could run up into $5. Oh, my goodness, it could, couldn't it? That's true. But if we don't do that, you'll probably sneeze yourself into an early grave. Oh, doctor, how soon are you coming over? How about Sunday afternoon? I'll be waiting for you. Well, I better get going now. Oh, no, no, Mr. Kilda's leave. Don't go out that way. Why not? That's the way I came in. Oh, no, you didn't. When you came in, you had your clothes on. What? Oh! Gee, we haven't any nails left. What are you going to do? We run out. Oh, we can pull some more at Uncle Mort's tires. Hello, Piggy. What did the doctor say to the uncle? He said $5, please. Chiefers, Lee Roy, what's wrong? Uncle suffers from the allergic. Allergic? What's that? Oh, something rubs his nose the wrong way. Say, Uncle, look what we're building. Yeah, I see. What's it supposed to be? It's a tree house for our club, the young MacArthur's. You're putting it in the wrong place, Lee Roy. You'll never get a MacArthur out on a limb. Where are you going to put it? Well, as soon as we get it nailed together, we're going to haul it up on that oak where the branches spread. You know, pre-fabrications. Oh, well, that's an idea, isn't it? Did you ever have a tree house, Mr. Gillis, Lee? Well, I started to one time. I had a wonderful idea. A log house and a tree, but it didn't work out. Why not, Uncle? Well, we only had one tree in our backyard, and at the time I'd sold enough logs for the house there wasn't any tree left to put it in. Did you build the house anyway? No, my father found out what happened, and the logs and pop and I all wound up in the woodshed. Oh, was that the time you wanted to run away and be a sailor, and he knocked the tar out of you? No, Lee Roy, that was another whaling expedition. Gee, Mr. Gillis, will you help us build our clubhouse? Oh, of course, I'll pitch right in. Hand me the hammer, Lee Roy. Thank you. I just love to drive nails. Now watch me and learn, Lee Roy, excuse me. Understand now, Lee Roy? Oh, but it's so simple. What's troubling you? Well, I'm wondering how you're going to get your neck tie off now that you've nailed both ends to the plank. What do you mean? I see. Now, nail down that little birdhouse. Birdhouse? Lee Roy, who's going to deliver mail up on a tree 20 feet off the ground? Okay, it's a birdhouse. And that reminds me, Mr. Gillis, who could just drop in? Oh, he did, didn't he? That old goat always shows up at feeding time. The hellin' to come out here. You want him to see the house we built? Yes, sir. And don't you get it, Daddy, Lee Roy? I won't worry. Gee, I'm kidding. The clubhouse swells. I just finished fixing the secret trapdoor in the loop. A secret trapdoor? Well, I wish I could see it. It must be very cozy inside. Houseway. Yeah, now you go into lunch and scrub your hands before you sit down at the table. Okay, but gee, where's the... I bet Tarzan never has to wash before he eats. Of course not. Tarzan's in hot water all the time. Anyhow... Oh, Lee Roy. Are you feeling, Gillis Lee? Still sneezing your brains out or have you run out of brains? No, Hooker, I haven't run out of brains. Would you like to borrow some? No, no. Wouldn't think of taking your last one. What's the big attraction out here? The attraction is that tree house the kids built. Would you like to go up there and look at it? No thanks. I can see it well enough from here. They have a secret trapdoor and a lot of other modern improvements. Come on, come on, let's go. Now, let's quit kidding ourselves, Rock Morton. We're too old to go traipsing up the side of a tree to peek at a packing box. Yes, speak for yourself, you old foggy. Foggy? Okay, then you're an old foggy. Why, why, you even get out of breath playing checkers. Thank goodness I'm different. Don't kid me, Rock Morton. If you aren't too old, you're too fat. Now, forget about it. You're dizzy enough on the ground without climbing trees. In that case, I guess I'll have to show you, Judge Hooker. Here, hold my coat, Grandpa, and watch a man spread his stuff. Careful, Gildy. You'll get halfway up and then spread your stuff. Don't worry about me, Judge. I come from the long line of tree climbers. That may be so, but remember, you haven't any tail. If I stand on this box, I think I can reach that limit. Yeah, just watch me, Judge. Come on down from there, Gildish Lee, before you fall on that big fat neck. That's a little rusty, that's all. I never knew I weighed so much. You're building up to a terrible lift down, Humpty Dumpty. By George, I'm gonna make it. And nobody's more surprised than I am. Well, you made it, but you never get down again. Hey, you ought to be up here, Judge. There's a beautiful view from here. There is? Uh-huh. On a clear day, I can see into every second story we're doing the block. What are you walking around on the roof for? The door isn't up there. I think it is. Leroy said something about a secret trap door somewhere. Gildish Lee, what happened? I found the trap door. You better stop pulling around and come down. That's pretty dangerous. If you may be right. I better... Uh-oh. What's wrong now? But I got in here. I should be able to get out. Timersley, what's the trouble? I can't squeeze out of this door. But you just got in. Yeah, but I came in fast and I'm stuck fast, too. Yeah, this is gonna be one of my bad days. The Great Gilder Slave will be with us again in just a moment. Meanwhile, let me tell you how to be a speed artist that's making grand macaroni and cheese. Get a package of the product called Kraft Dinner. Outlet package takes a special macaroni and cook it in salted boiling water not more than seven minutes for the clock. Then, just drain it well and likely mix the fluffy macaroni with a little butter and milk. Next, take the envelope of Kraft grated from the Kraft Dinner Box and sprinkle the cheese goodness through and through the macaroni. Turn the macaroni and cheese into a serving dish and your dinner main dish is ready. Ready in double-quick time, a really thrifty main dish and really delicious macaroni and cheese, too. Now, doesn't Kraft Dinner sound like a wonderful idea for busy days? Well, get some tomorrow. Every Kraft Dinner package contains the making for four servings of delicious macaroni and cheese. Better get several packages tomorrow and stock the pantry shelf. Your family will love Kraft Dinner macaroni and cheese. And now let's return to the Great Gilder Slave whom we left stranded in a house in a tree in the backyard. As we find Uncle Mortigan, he's still there while below Judge Hooker tries to comfort him with songs. Rock up, I guilty in the treetop. I'll kill that Hooker. When the wind blows, hang on or you drop. I'll drop on you. When the bow bends, it surely will break and guilty will hit just like an earthquake. Hooker, stop that infernal nursery rhyme. Oh, you want something more modern, huh? All right, guilty. I'll give you the number one song on the hit phrase. Oh. Don't sit up in the apple tree with anyone else but me. Anyone else but me. Anyone else but me. No, no, do something. Get me out of here. This is a terrible predicament. Yes, this is it. You just wait, Judge Hooker. I'm going to break every bone in your head. Now get me out of here. Nothing decided to visit your tree house, Leroy. See him? He became so absorbed in it, he can't tear himself away. Yeah. I'd like it a lot better up here if I were down there. Oh, nothing at all, Leroy. The theft that I'm wearing your secret trap door is a girdle. I'm stuck up here fast. You've got to do something. Bird's nest. He's been acting as if he's a little cuckoo. Don't you egg me on, Hooker. Marjorie, I came up here to inspect Leroy's little shanty, but now I'm stuck. And frankly, I'm beginning to get bored with lodging here. Yeah, I'm right here, Birdie. You can't be in the top of the tree. His trunk's bigger than the tree. I'm upstairs in the tree, Birdie. What is it? Oh, he's got an appointment. Oh, great jumping jeeps. The sneeze doctor. I forgot all about him. Of course not, Leroy. I won't have anyone see me in this ridiculous, undignified position. Birdie, tell him to come back later in the afternoon. Tell him I'm at a board meeting. But uncle, that wouldn't be killing you, too. Oh, yes, it would, my dear. Wherever I turn, I'm meeting a board. Well, I won't tell him. And Birdie, after he leaves, bring me something to eat. Slice up some of that tongue and make three or four sandwiches, huh? It's way past my lunchtime and I feel as hollow as Judge Hooker's head. That's right, goodness me. Go ahead and stuff yourself, then you'll never be able to get out of that box. Oh, my goodness. I never thought of that. It's just two-tongued sandwiches, Birdie. Okay, but now look over there. Yeah. Gee, uncle, what else? Leroy, I don't need an allergy specialist. I need a tree surgeon. Well, he can put you on a reducing diet. Sorry, Leroy, but that wouldn't work. No matter how much your uncle reduced, he'd still be living on the fat of the land. Hooker, why don't you go home? All right, all right. I can take a hint. I just hope you're stuck up there until your north side is covered with moss. Goodbye. Is that over? Yes. Oh, Uncle Morton, sorry this happened. Now that he's gone, don't you feel sort of empty inside? I'll say I do. Where's Birdie with those tongue sandwiches? Oh, Birdie. Yeah, come back. And that document says you'll be back later and he's still charging you for this visit. Oh, never mind that now. What about my lunch? Didn't you bring me those sandwiches? No, sir. I'm also sorry about that, but I can't. You can't? Why not? Because the cat got you a tongue. No, Piggy. Don't pull. You're just taking the back right out of my shirt. It's no use, boys. Oh, why did you ever build this thing so solidly? Jeepers, you told us to, Mr. Gillisly. You're trapped by my own words. You'd better climb down now, boys, and try to borrow a ladder and an axe someplace. Okay, I'll... And remember, I don't want anyone in the neighborhood to know about this. I'd be the butt of too many jokes. You coming, Leroy? Scramble down now. I can see the girl next door in her room. I don't want to attract any attention. Well, we'll be right back, Uncle. Yeah, okay. It's me. Hello, Dolly. How are you today? Oh, pleasurable. A heel? I'll see. Me? Oh, nothing. I'm just doing an important air raid defense job. What's there in between to stop it? Well, if you must know, I'm up here spotting airplanes. Well, I don't suppose you would. Hey, what's that noise? Okay, darling. Just my luck to have a nice, exciting fire somewhere, and I can't go. Is that you down there, Leroy? Where's the fire? Great jumping jeeps. Why did you do that? Oh, I won't have it. Look at all those people. Send them away. Tell them to stop coming. Put people in the water. Okay, is that him up there? Yeah, chief. Get those fire wagons out of our alley. Keep that crowd out of our yard. Oh, a little violent, huh? I'll take it easy, Tubby. We'll get you down. I like it up here. What is this guy, a squirrel? Those hatchet men away from me. I'm very comfortable up here, and I won't come down until I'm good and ready. He's nutty as a fruit, chief. He's jerky, that's all. Probably thinks he's Gerald too little. Why don't you brave fire at it and just go back to your checker game? I'll see you here, Fatso. We were called to take you down from there. Who called you? Did I call you? No, but something... You're paid for putting out fires, not for coming around annoying innocent people who are enjoying a nice rest up a tree. But we're supposed to take you down. Oh, wasting the taxpayer's money, eh? Now you get out of here before I pick up my phone and report this to the mayor. Come on, boys. Put that ladder back in the truck. Quinn, take this axe back. Yeah. Let's get out of here before I turn a hose on that big fat folks alarm. The idea. I guess I told him a thing or two. What the hell? No, Leroy. I couldn't come down that ladder in front of that crowd. Why not? Because there are a lot of nails up here and I've torn his square foot out of the seat of my pants. I cut down a tree once and it takes days, Bertie. Say, Mr. Gillisleaf, I bet you get through if you got a can of grease and gave yourself a good loop job. If... Thanks for the suggestion, Piggie. But I'll say that one who everything else fails. Oh, well, Lord, here comes Dr. DePyster. Oh, I've forgotten all about him. Say, I just realized something. I haven't sneezed since I came up here, Marjorie. He'll probably want me to stay here the rest of my life. Is Mr. Gillisleaf back yet? Oh, yes, yes, I'm up here, Doctor. Where? Oh, there you are. Well, come down now and we'll get started with those tests. Come down, eh? I'm afraid I'll have to stay up here a while. Oh, now, Mr. Gillisleaf, you should have more confidence in your doctor. You mustn't run away, you know. I'm not going to run away, but why don't you run away and come back some other day? That's a rather peculiar reaction. I'll have to write the medical journal about this. Really, Doctor, you don't understand. Oh, hey, keep away, cut that out. What's wrong, Mr. Gillisleaf? Woodpeckers are trying to build a nest in my hair. Yeah, what's the matter? Is he allergic to woodpeckers? I am. Here's a policeman to see you. A policeman? What does he want? There have been a lot of complaints from this neighborhood about the peeping Tom. The peeping Tom. Oh, get away from me, bird. Don't bother me. It's not so good. I'm getting too much attention from my little feathered friends. I don't like it. I hope so, birdie. So do I, because I can't think of how to go straight in your tooth up there. Oh, well, that'd be simple. I could drink it through a straw. You want our stale tooth? Yes, doctor. Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty. Marjorie's cat. Good. Send him right up here, Leroy. I'm afraid some bird's going to lay an egg on me any minute. I can't. Yeah, here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty. Yeah, yes. Come on. Stay right up here, now, your Uncle Mort. Isn't he cute? It's Leroy. That was certainly a bright eye. Hi. Hi. Hi. Thank you. You're welcome, birdie. Say, I didn't sneeze once since I came up here until that cat. Cat. Cat. Cat. I just found out what I'm allergic to, Marjorie. That cat of yours. Oh, well, this saves me a lot of doctor bills and time and trouble. Why, I'm so ha... Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. It's like I'm going to sneeze my way out of here. It can be a nice kitty. Ladies and gentlemen, it's just six months since Pearl Harbor. Since then, this nation has leaped to arms with one idea in our minds and hearts. Victory. This summer, there'll be no slackening, no rest. The leading NBC shows are joining our government in bringing you the Victory Parade, a series of Sunday afternoon shows heard all through the summer in the Jack Benny time. We urge you to listen. Good night, ladies and gentlemen. Original music heard on this program was composed and conducted by William Randolph. This is Jim Bannon speaking for the Crap Cheese Company and inviting you to tune in again next week at the same time for the further adventures of The Great Gildersley. We all need extra vitality these days, the energy to help make our war machine hung. So you'll be glad to know that one of the best energy foods you can serve and one that's economical too is wholesome parquet margarine made by Kraft. Now, unlike some foods, delicious parquet margarine is the kind you naturally serve at every meal. It's a wonderfully good tasting spread for bread. It's a real flavor shortening for baking. It makes pan-fried foods tastier. Yes, you can use parquet margarine all these ways to help add extra nourishment and goodness to your meals. Another thing, every pound of parquet margarine contains 9,000 units of important vitamin A. So for all these reasons, order a pound or two of economical parquet margarine tomorrow. Remember it's parquet. P-A-R-K-A-Y. Parquet margarine made by Kraft. This program has reached you from Hollywood. This is the National Broadcasting Company.