 Hey guys it's Liana and I'm here today to rant about Things of the Wild by Nicholas Ames. This, as you are probably aware, was a book blades and bodyservers book club pick, which was chosen by yours truly for me and Amanda to read. And then I ranted about it for a bit in the reading log wherein I was reading it. I ranted for another much bigger bit in our live show and here we have the official actual rant reveal. I will be including this in my I don't get it series because I I've lumped together all my negative reviews for books that get obscene amounts of praise that I'm just like I don't get it. If this was a book that got middling reviews I'd be like yeah like I super hated it but also like the consensus seems to be it's okay but no this is a book like others and that I reviewed as I don't get it books gets it's like a 4.5 aggregate rating on Goodreads or something absurd and I've heard almost nothing but praise like exclusively praise like when I was looking for people who also disliked it on YouTube I couldn't find anybody on Goodreads I found negative reviews and I was like here's my tribe and I literally after finishing this book I rewarded myself for having finished it by pouring myself a very large stiff drink putting on Greta Van Fleet and reading some one-star reviews on Goodreads so that I could be like yes thank you so here we have my one-star review because you can't give zero stars to a book fuck you Goodreads I hate this so much Amanda did not hate it so if you watched our live show you saw that she actually quite liked it she didn't love it but she quite liked it so we did not agree on this and we're still friends and I point this out because people who give me death threats over not linking their favorite book and over ranting about it um fuck you we're talking about a book so I am allowed to hate it and that's okay anyway yeah if you don't know anything about Kings of the Wild it is marketed and included in the lists and described as and promoted as kind of room dark fantasy a la Abercrombie meets this final tap the movie because it's the premise and this is true this is like it's not missold in terms of the premise this is the premise and that is true that it's kind of taking the idea of an over-the-hill rock band that's coming together for sort of one last world tour even though they're kind of like past their prime uh except instead of musicians instead of a rock band they are mercenaries they are a band of mercenaries and going into it I expected it to be darkly humorous I expected it to be grim dark fantasy but with this sort of comedic meta joke of like you can kind of see how this could be compared to a band but like that's not really like the book isn't constantly gonna nudge you and wink wink and like it's a band and like he's totally the guitarist and like do you get this rock joke like I expected it to be like an actual grim dark fantasy that is a little more on the humorous side and that has this again meta premise that you can be like I see how this could kind of be compared to a similar situation as a rock band that is not what this book is like it's technically about the rock band premise but it is literally about that there's nothing meta or subtle about it this is like american pie style humor with like in your face completely overt references to them being a rock band but they're mercenaries but it's totally a rock band and the most male-gazy disgusting portrayals of women or of men reacting to women and there is nothing literally nothing that I like about this book it's not okay there's one thing I like about it and that is the concept but everything about what was what they he chose to do with that concept fuck you oh my god fuck you so hard this was awful I cannot even begin to describe how awful it is so for one there is like if you're like the only possible thing that I could see somebody enjoying here is the humor if this is your taste in humor like if these are the kind of jokes that work for you then you might enjoy it but if you're looking for plot or characters or an interesting magic system or literally anything else you will be disappointed and I was disgusted offended and not remotely amused by the humor and since really the only thing it has to offer you is humor because it's not really bothered to have much of a plot it's not bothered to have much world building it's not bothered to flesh out his characters so if you don't think it's funny then there's nothing here for you like literally nothing and the humor it's not my cup of tea because it lacks subtlety it's disgusting it's misogynist and it's just uh low effort it's like fart jokes and dick jokes and yo mama jokes and it's it's so juvenile and honestly so dated like it's it sounds to me like jokes that I never found funny but the kind of jokes that were the reason I avoided going to see out and out comedy movies and that came out in the 90s movies like American pie and not another teen movie and um there oh when I was in the live show I was trying to think of there was a show that I remember coming out that I wanted to watch and then it was like awful because it was exactly like this and I hated it so much uh and I don't know when I was reading it I was like oh this is like that show that I hated and I think it was called like cruel the warrior something like that like I still can't quite remember the name of it but I couldn't remember it all during the live show anyway that show is like this book so if you like if you remember that show and you liked it well then this is the book for you I mean for one like in the beginning of the book we already get the most like sexist kind of portrayal of a dude who was once a rock star but now is settled down to like the simple life with a wife and kid and the wife is nothing but like a nagging shrew who he's worried about pissing off because if he doesn't like her cooking like she's gonna be pissed at him and she's gonna be upset if she finds out that he stopped for a beer on his way home and like oh good old days when I was in my band of mercenaries I was just like okay like whatever then throughout the book later he keeps being so nostalgic and so he romanticizes his home life and how like oh she was the one that saved him and he loves her so much and he misses her so much and I'm just like that woman that you were annoyed with and who was annoyed with you in the beginning oh yeah totally so romantic and then I kind of blocked it from my memory but then in one of the one star reviews pointed it out and I was like oh my god that's right I forgot and I forgot because I forgot on purpose it's disgusting in the beginning when our kind of main character is telling a bedtime story to his daughter uh mermaids come up and he recalls that he may or may not have fucked a mermaid and he's thinking about this while telling a bedtime story to his daughter and the book this is in the beginning of the book and I was just like okay it was still when I was like trying to see if I'm gonna like this and I was like I don't know about that but I think I'll just keep reading it does not get better it gets worse there is in here a miasma that sets off like boners for everybody in the room during a fight there's the section that I tabbed where a woman a gorgon so she's not a human female she's described in terms of her breasts being like melons on offer at a market and then one of the band members comments on the fact that gorgons don't turn men to stone but he's hard as a rock I was just like excuse me and there's like no female characters other than this one female character who ends up kind of joining their crew and her magical power is being hot and men being attracted to her of course this whole book doesn't really have a plot it's just like a series of side quests where they have to get them a guffin and they have to get the thing or they get to like ogle a woman or they get to reminisce about the good old days when they were a really great band and every single time they reminisced about when they were a really great band I was like I would much rather read about whatever escapade you just described in two sentences than whatever the fuck this is it was all like hold back that time when we slay that dragon wasn't that just so crazy and I'm like yeah let's read about that I don't what is this and okay and so there were moments in the book where it attempted to have a depth of character moment like an emotional serious moment and again like I referenced where clay is kind of thinking about oh how he misses his wife and like you know will he ever see them again will they live through this and that just didn't work for me for one because it wasn't for that specifically wasn't set up because we saw family life and there was nothing he was painted really like sexistly so I was just like not buying it and then throughout the book it's constantly just like jokes and dumb situational comedy and then out of nowhere we would get this moment where all of a sudden we just like switched to serious and it's not like gradual and it's not like natural it's just like stop jokes be serious for this section and then move back to jokes and I was like I'm not taking any of the series because you haven't fleshed out any of these characters they are completely two-dimensional I feel nothing this is come why is this here like you haven't bothered to give them characters so am I supposed to care that they're suddenly crying like I because I don't and um what I wanted out of this and what could have been so good is it is kind of sad and kind of tragic to have over the hill dudes trying to relive their glory days and yet inherent in that could be a lot of dark humor a lot of like them trying to cover their own midlife crisis with humor a lot of situational humor where like they think they can pull off something that they used to and they fail to which again is both sad and funny and that's what I wanted this book to be that's what I expected it to be I expected it to be you know a group of Logan nine fingers types who are but just like with more jokes and to more occasions where his their inability to actually complete a task that they once would have been able to is funny but also kind of sad that's what I expected and that is no this is they constantly get out of every scrape because of plot convenience and plot armor and random mcguffins that the wizard who is part of their band will just Mr like exposition will drop some world building and explain where this magical thing came from that saves the day there's cure all so like there's one part where I like I really was like oh my god like we're one of the band members loses a hand and I was like oh like we're doing real stakes now like I played this book but like okay you did it like you went and then a magical cure we gives him his hand back and I was like okay so I literally don't care about anything and moreover like bigger than all of this well not bigger than but like a big picture here the plot if there is one is that they're gonna go and save the daughter of one of the band members who is in this dangerous place and she's kind of got herself in there but dad wants to go and rescue her so he is convinced his old band to get back together so that they can go and rescue her which is fine like that's like a good like jumping off point I guess although like a woman needing to be rescued being the reason you come back together again is not great but whatever you needed a reason and that's fine but throughout the book not even from her father do we ever feel a sense of urgency is it's never like the constant side questing of like get the MacGuffin and get the person and stop here and this thing happens at least I still would have hated it but at least if throughout even if none of the other band members cared even if the other band members were willing to just like fuck off and do nothing and like have squabbles and side quest galore at least her father who set this all off should have been like guys guys get it together my daughter is in danger like come on we've got to get going because she is in danger every second that we delay never not a single time did he do that and so in one instance where the wizard decides to pull out his magic globe that like you can like see things from far away or whatever he randomly when one of these like suddenly we've decided to be serious moments the wizard decides to pull it out and let Gabe see his daughter and Gabe sees his daughter in this like really horrible place surrounded by horrors and he all of a sudden just like smashes the globe and throws it and destroys it and then gets it out of the system and then moves on and then we're back to side questing and not being in a rush at all so it's not like it's been built up that he has this simmering frustration that he's constantly trying to like bite back his words and be like guys like we need to go and then like constantly just like freaking out and then finally when he sees her then smashes it I would have believed it and I would have been like you know like yeah yeah like that was a long time coming but he's just been like fine fine fine fine fine sees her and is like hulks out for a second and then moves on and the wizard isn't like that's my magic globe that could be really useful in this quest if it helps us see things from a distance but everyone's just like oh yeah he broke the globe well move on because nothing means anything there are even the MacGuffins don't mean anything I was sitting there going like that would be such a valuable thing for you to have on your quest y'all are just gonna let him break it like why is no one stopping him like I get that like he's upset about his daughter but like yo like that but then I remembered that anytime they need a thing they will get it the plot will give them the MacGuffin that they need so why worry about the magic globe that he's destroying for no reason because it wasn't at all developed before it happened and then it was immediately forgotten about it's never I was like maybe later then they'll be like god damn it I wish I had that globe it's too bad Gabe destroyed it because we really could use it right now nope never came back into it oh I don't it was that moment there just to have character development which is like a waste of pages because you're not bothering to have character development the rest of the time so to just suddenly remember that you probably should have something like that and then move on without it again fuck you fuck you fuck you no that's not how writing works okay so that covers most of my pain points they were like here and there on the rare instance like oh my god there was also all these lines where there was like literally on the nose jokes about bands and about rock and about modern terms of phrase there's a joke about what happens in blank stays in blank and there was like a when the straw like the straw that breaks the camel's back except they were like the coin that breaks the dragon's back and that already like he opened with the coin that breaks the dragon's back and explains the meaning of it and I was just like that's very on the nose but okay I guess that's kind of clever but then he actually goes and like there's another saying in the south that I've never understood but it's similar and that's when the straw breaks the camel's back and I was like well we literally put it in there in case you didn't get it but that's what he's referencing which like you'd have to be two years old to not get it in case you didn't get it he actually was like what is another saying like it that is literally the straw that broke the camel's back and I was like no I got it I fucking got it but okay and then there's a part in it where like it literally uses the title kings of the wild where like Gabe is like feeling down and clay needs going to give him a pep talk and he's like remember when we were so great and we did all these things we were kings kings of the wild and I was just like okay and then once wasn't enough Gabe's like we were kings of the wild I was just like okay who is this appealing to? yeah I fucking hated it every single moment of it it's so long so boring and how dare anybody compare this to Abercrombie or Spinal Tap because I love Joe Abercrombie and I love this is Spinal Tap and do not insult either of those by comparing them to this garbage because what what the fuck yeah so let me know in the comments down below if you're one of the people that gets it and gave this book like five stars um I've looked at five star reviews from people who's taste doesn't always obviously but does often align with mine people who do like me like Abercrombie and also like this I've looked at those reviews trying to understand what they're getting out of this because I just I I don't get it I don't fucking get it even my friend Amanda who buddy read this with me she likes it and I was like I don't get it I don't understand how anyone could like this if you're not like I guess if you like American Pie I get why you like this I just I don't get why anyone would like that ever it's not slimy it's not clever it's not anything okay yeah so let me know comments down below your thoughts and feelings given the aggregate high star rating on this book I would assume that most people watching this video liked the book and are here either to shit on me or to find out how somebody could possibly not like it I don't understand how anyone could possibly like it anyway let me know your thoughts and feelings in the comments down below and post videos on Saturdays for sure and sometimes at other times as well like this video which may not be going on a Saturday I don't know what I'm gonna post it but in any event let me know all the things and I'll see you when I see you