 Well guys, with the release of Disney's latest dolloping of Star Wars Mania in the form of Solo last month, I decided to take a look back at one of the franchise's smoothest and most charming of actors, Billy Dee Williams. He's the embodiment of Char, the personification of Cool, and also none of the only black faces in the entire galaxy. But Billy Dee gave Star Wars that distinctive Cool legacy which we can only pray and hope hasn't been completely destroyed by recent efforts. This deal is getting worse all the time. And let's not forget his contribution to Tim Burton's Batman in the form of Harvey Dent. His slick and debonair approach to Gotham City's District Attorney must be one of the greatest missed opportunities in the history of superhero cinema. If only we ever got to see him transform into the villainous two-face in Tim Burton's sequel, instead of this. Start this party with a bang! Baaaaa! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Yep. Batman Forever is my favourite childhood film. Yes, I know. So, why pray tell am I mentioning all of this to you? Well because in the early 90s he released this. Alien Intruder. Well it looks like we're hitting the ground running with this cover. Just marvel at the level of detail they've put into this. It's almost like two semi-professional promotional stills have been photoshopped on top of what is obviously a crudely cut-out still image of Billy Dee taken from a random scene in the film. Also it takes a lot of Gohanes to rip off not just one but two different fonts from rather... How should I put this? Bigger budgeted franchises. Oh, and you know you're in trouble when they show highlights from the actor's careers on the back of the DVD case. Ooh, special features scene selection! I think we're going to be just fine. Yep, they went all out on the titles, huh? Yeah, for the sake of brevity I'm just going to fast forward a little bit here. The score kind of sounds like I'm playing an early Wing Commander game. Pfft, oh my god. Not the best way to start movie. Really isn't. Okay, so we've got some guys shooting at each other in a cheap warehouse. I mean, really advanced spaceship hangar bay. Yeah. Wow, just look at those special effects. Amazing, oh god damn it. Don't cut to your shitty spaceship model. It's terrible. Yeah, sorry, hang about. What? You can clearly see in the shot that the laser blast is going straight past the actor in the center frame. So, where did the other laser bolt come from? Why would you spend what clearly little money you had for special effects on a shot that makes no logical sense? Oh, and by the way, if you're feeling slightly confused at this point, you're not alone. We're only 2 minutes and 28 seconds in. Yeah, there's no explanation as to what the hell's going on. And we've had two quick cuts to the scientist guy trying to access the ship's computer with some bizarre frame intercuts featuring Tracy Skoggins. Yeah, fire burn. Oh god, stop cutting to that shot. Sorry, did that corpse just scream out? It did, what the hell? What, was he just lying there silently while his back was on fire hoping no one would notice? Great plan. Bugs Bunny is the ship's computer. Okay. Jesus, this guy's incompetent. Look, he literally moves his rifle out of the way so this guy can turn around. Luckily for him, the guy's too slow to even notice. So this guy, who he learned is named Borman, storms onto the bridge to kill the captain. And that's where our mysterious woman, Tracy Skoggins, appears once again. Uh, uh, oh god, no. Please, please stop kissing. Oh, no tongues, please. Uh, yeah, okay. You know, all this sizzle and burn is making me hot. You feeling horny? Jesus Christ. So for no apparent reason, Borman now realizes that he's murdered the entire crew and begins to feel regret. Kind of makes you wanna hit the sack, doesn't it? Uh, no, no it doesn't. Oh, come on. There's no need to be so melodramatic. Oh lord, who thought that shot was a good idea? Oh god damn it, don't cut to that shot. Jesus, we're only seven minutes into this film. Seven. Earth 2022 AD, maximum security present, new Alcatraz. Uh, sorry, what? This is set in 2022. As in four years from now. Okay, gotcha. So after that previous cinematic fiasco, we're now treated to a good old fashioned prison beating. It's good to know that the Trump presidency didn't cut prison budgets in the future. I mean, laser bars aren't cheap. Uh, yeah, again, no attempt at the story here, you know as much as me. During the fight we see another prisoner who's attempting to escape. Jesus, the Republicans don't mess around. Aw yeah, there's my boy. Sorry. I just assumed prisons in the future would have more advanced on-off switches. That thing looks older than what we have now. Okay, so we're back to this guy again. Yeah, just a pro tip. Layering shitty music over your scene doesn't mask the fact that you're using on-set audio. A real computer jock. He's as good as they get. What kind of time are you doing, DJ? Life. Somehow we managed to penetrate the military budget requisition computers inside Mount Thunder. How much does he have in his account? Twenty million American. Hey, what can I say? It's what they wrote. Well, thank God for poorly installed man-sized ventilation shafts in a maximum security prison. Engineer first grade. Life, no parole. Dark driving. Wiped out an entire family on the Autobahn outside Houston. A booze, I don't know. Oh yeah, sure. Because that's your reaction. Jesus, what's this roof made of? Napalm? Uh, yeah, why not? That's how you slide. Again with the explosions. In the future, does everyone have to tap each other while holding a gun? Demolition's expert. Blue and Arbor'd car took out a pizza joint along with it. Five dead. You like to blow things, huh? Not as much as I like to fuck. Bet you like to do that a lot. What do you want? I got a dick with a will of iron. Okay, that's it. I'm done. Looking for a few good men. Yeah, that's no one in this room. At all. If you volunteer for this mission, you roll the dice. You hit your number. You're free men when we get back. And we roll snake eyes. You die a million miles away from home. Well, hell. Ain't that like walking into a whorehouse with a lights out? What? I've wound up with a lot of dogs in those dark rooms. Um, focus? Anyone? There's one more thing. The Aphrodite program. What the hell are you talking about? He's talking about virtual reality. It's called the weekend. You choose your woman, your fantasy. We choose the broads, huh? It's your weekend. You know, I never thought I'd say this, but I'd rather be watching Red Dwarf. Okay, so now that Billy Dee and his gang are on their way to find the missing space freighter, our gang of lovable, if convicted criminals begin their raunchy virtual weekend. Where you going? I'm going. 1952. Yeah? Well, I'm going to the Wild Wild West. I would pick Britain. Pre-Brexit. For the sake of brevity, I'll spare you the next 20 minutes of the film. All you need to know is that each member of the crew has a virtual simulation, and Tracy Skoggins appears in each one. We have a Wild West fantasy, a 30s film noir bar, a 50s American store, and a very poor attempt at Baywatch. Do you have fun in the 50s there, DJ? Oh. You ever ride a Harley before? I can't say that I have, but I can't say I just rode the shit out of a bathtub. God, no, no. After all of that, the gang go about their daily spaceship tours, and later Mancuso discovers that the ship's coordinates have been changed, and they're now heading for G-Sector. What's G-Sector, you ask? I have no idea. It's never actually explained. Also, Billy Dee starts to exhibit some strange obsession with this highly overused shot of Tracy Skoggins. The chief engineer McClellan starts to hear music being played from his virtual fantasy on a disc, and then starts to lash out at DJ. But before that scene could develop any further, a distress signal is heard. It's a distress signal. I kind of have to believe that Billy was just drinking before they shot this take, and he refused to get rid of the bottle. Yep. Great hyperspeed effect there. Put Star Wars to shame. Seven days, and we hooked that sucker up, turned the road into our home. We're all gonna be free men. A piece of cake. Space cake. Space cake, anyone? And before yet another scene can develop, it's time to respond to yet another alarm. Huh? Oh yeah, I'm in this movie. The ship's coolant starts to leak, and then it's fixed. Oh well. Onwards to our destination, I guess. Ugh. The crew decides to enter their VR cryo pods again, despite the ship seemingly falling apart. While Billy Dee gets upset that it can no longer find Tracy Skoggins, but then spots her in the Wild West fantasy simulation. After a dull standoff with some VR Ed Harris's, Lloyd is saved by Tracy, but not before his love interest is killed off. As a token of thanks, Lloyd is asked to give her a back rub, but just as things start to heat up, Billy gets pissed that he loses the video feed. Meanwhile, in the 1940s Casablanca simulation, another love bot is killed, leaving the now singing Tracy Skoggins to blow McClellan a kiss. In the 1950s reality, Tracy sets fire to the local gasoline store, killing yet another virtual love interest. And in the poor man's Baywatch simulation, we see the final love interest just dead on the beach with her breasts exposed. Yep, at this point they didn't even try. During all of this, Billy Dee realises that he hasn't been drinking for the last five minutes, but then witnesses Mancuso being forced to have sex with Skoggins. Yep, you just keep on drinking there, Billy. Right with you. Fortunately for Billy and the audience, the ship, once again, encounters trouble. Ha ha ha ha! Your ship is falling apart! I will miss! Bastard! G-Sector! So the ship finally reaches the mysterious G-Sector, but before anything interesting can happen, the gang discuss the virtual murders in their simulated fantasies. A bromance scuffle breaks out between Lloyd and Mancuso. And after all that nonsense, the crew are once again ordered to report to the bridge. The ship finally tracks down the first ship from the film's opening. Oh boy, I bet there's a lot of vomit on that thing by now. The crew then dress up as ghostbusters and board the vessel. The crew board the ship and begin to search for survivors. Meanwhile, on board the holly, Alan is, um, getting busy with Tracy Skoggins. How you may ask? I've no actual idea. It's never explained. Have a coffee too much for ya? You know I live for caffeine? You killed her! God damn it! You killed her! Oh god, not this fighting shit again. You need to try some decap, Peter. Seriously? That's the end of the scene? Okay then. And for no apparent reason, the ship's android gets electrocuted from walking on a light panel on the floor. Oh, um, sorry for not mentioning him earlier. He's been in a few scenes, but believe me when I tell you that he does absolutely nothing in each scene he's in. He's a glorified prop. Hey, I heard a joke for you. How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb? None! Fuck you! Hey guys! Meanwhile, on board the holly, Tracy Skoggins makes the ship's computer do some typing. The crew has no luck hacking into the ship's mainframe and Billy Dee becomes distraught that he can't find Tracy Skoggins on his computer. You guys never heard of downloaded video in 2022? Billy the Blue Power Ranger uncovers a virus in the ship's computer bank when they discover the virus is in the shape of Tracy Skoggins. Billy Dee reveals that he was originally on board yet another star ship, the Joplin, that the holly was sent to find. Teaming up with Tracy, they hold Mancusa and DJ Hostage. Fortunately for them, it seems that the ship not only has man-sized ventilation shafts, but also wobbly walls. Lloyd breaks into the ship's armory, and supplies covered, and confronts Billy Dee. Billy Dee kills Lloyd, but not before he can arm the ship's self-destruct mechanism. Oh yeah, great design. Real handy that you set the ship to self-destruct thanks to a well-placed computer panel in a random corridor of the ship. Billy Dee then attacks Mancusa and DJ for some reason stands on top of a perilous drop and, unsurprisingly, gets shot by Billy Dee. What were you hoping to accomplish there, exactly? McClellan then appears and is hypnotised by Skoggins, allowing Billy Dee to shoot him easily in the back. Mancusa destroys the ship's mainframe, thankfully not making Bug's Bunny sounds while it dies. Aerial, I mean Tracy Skoggins, licks Mancusa's ear, sending Billy Dee into a jealous rage. Mancusa shoots Billy Dee, who is then sent flying into a cheap war panel. Mancusa then manages to get into the ship's escape pod and narrowly avoids the explosion. However, Tracy Skoggins has managed to sneak on board. And that's it. That was Alien Intruder. What was that film about? Seriously, this film is about nothing. We learn nothing. We know nothing about how Tracy Skoggins came into existence. The characters barely develop. There's no explanation for how each man falls for her and how she can drive them all to murder. They discover nothing once on board the other ship and the ending doesn't even attempt to have some kind of finality or coda. I can forgive the hilariously cheap production design or the fact that the ship's android did absolutely nothing to, or the fact that Billy Dee was clearly bored out of his mind and just drinks in every scene. Or the fact that Tracy Skoggins never has any kind of master plan or ulterior motive other than sexy murder. But the real sin of this film was how the evil sexy AI was already on board their ship. The crew were already becoming infatuated with Ariel before they even reached the ship they were supposed to rescue. Which means the problem is with whoever built the damn AI. The entire rescue mission is pointless and once they get to the ship, all they discover is that they already had the same virus on board. And when characters die, there's next to no time for us to even care. The music just repeats the dull sound of synthesized horns throughout. The dialogue is nothing but dick and fart jokes at the same time, and I don't even need to go into the crappy modelling shops of the ship. All in all, Alien Intruder is a completely forgettable mess. Sorry Billy, I love you, but did you need to paycheck that much? Well, at least they're still solo to enjoy. I mean, it's not like Disney could screw that up, right? Right? Guys? Fuck you!