 I'm anxious hi everyone, it's me Neil Brennan from blocks you're watching it I'm not telling you the premise anymore people come on they tell me their problems and we we everybody feels better About themselves because they have the same problems or worse. My guest today is a four-time Golden Globe I've known this guy I don't know 12 years I Think close to like 16 16 close to 16 years a cellar table Yeah, comedy cellar table good guy funny guy. He's here and he's Dan Soder Hey, I haven't seen you in five years. We just discussed and yeah, it doesn't feel like it But it is creepy when you haven't seen someone in five years. You do see them and then you're fine Yeah, it's just checking back in. Yeah, it's like it feels like finding an old shirt Yeah, but it feels like a weird time-traveling thing. Yeah, like I think everyone. Why am I? Fine it you just it's just time is everyone changed Everyone changed. What do you mean? I think everyone Everyone shifted during these last couple years. Yeah, we didn't see each other and you see it You're like, how did you change? Yeah, and people are like, oh, I did this Yeah, some people got a lot more successful some people personally grew. I think like I'm more of the latter I think I had a lot more personal change what it will good thing good that you came to the right place Yeah, oh my god. Are you still with your girlfriend? Yeah, we're engaged Katie. Yeah, Katie Nolan great. We're gonna know she's unbelievable. We're gonna get married She's the best thing that's ever happened to me and you don't see you say that knowing full well how how Nauseating that is. Oh, yeah Fucking kick rocks, dude, you know, like, you know people that don't like hearing me say that and I know that but it's like it's It's been such a rewarding thing to finally find a person that you're like you can be yourself around Because I think I've spent my whole life trying to be a people pleaser It's gonna be a block number one guys. That's a preview. Let's just do it. Yeah, let's just get into it Block it. Yeah, block it. But um, it's like, uh, I I got to during these like years off I think not years off, but like kind of yeah, kind of yeah, that's really it really did feel like it was all I didn't do Jack shit I did like a couple things it over two years and I I really didn't Hated my comedy before COVID. I put out the HBO special which I loved and then after that I like couldn't find a Groove all the bits. I was writing. I was like, what the fuck is this? What was wrong with them? They weren't funny. I didn't think they were funny. I didn't think they were me I didn't think they were like I thought I was being funnier on the bonfire I thought I was being funnier on podcasts. I didn't think I was being like The stand-up I was doing was like that this is just it's not good enough And then everything shut down and I kind of had to like see who the fuck I was and then now I'm like Back in love was stand-up. Who were you? I was a guy that was trying to get everyone to like Something that wasn't authentic. I don't think I was like I think I was I think there was a level of authenticity In what I was doing, but I don't think I I think I was more worried about upsetting people and making them like me Then I was doing what I wanted to do and what I thought was funny and I think all my favorite comics are That I've grown up loving always Are themselves in an authentic way like Through their sense of humor like this is what I find funny. Yeah, I didn't feel like I was doing that I didn't feel like I was doing that at all. What was the people pleaser? It wasn't in your life, too Oh everywhere. I didn't want anyone to be mad at me. I didn't want anyone I didn't want to what it was as I was incapable of putting up boundaries of being like I Need I can't do this because I need time for myself Like a lot. Yeah. Yeah, it's the I realized three weeks ago that my needs are great. Yeah Literally three weeks ago, you know, I'm going through something that just happened today. I honest on the drive over here I was like what a perfect podcast to be doing as I go through this my grandmother is 96 years old and she is She lives by herself She reached she got COVID a couple months ago It's a weird thing when old people because my mom's 89 lives by herself and it's like a big It's like it's like having a toddler. Yeah, it's like yes a nine-year-old. Yeah, is you're like, oh, can Mike I don't need a babysitter. All right, or we have a babysitter for yeah, you're like, so I she does in home care I don't let her just go like raw dog. I'm not letting her just like live alone like it's fucking summer vacay I have I have people that come in. I have a service that helps her But shout out to whoever created the term raw dog because it's the best cuz he's such a dirt bag I mean, but he really nailed it and I say he cuz there's no way a woman thought of it No, no what or that is a grizzled woman. I mean, that's a real sure go get tested. Yeah, if she's like Get tested skin on skin, baby, and you're like, oh, please you don't have children do you sweet lord? Of course I do Yeah, I don't talk to him, but my grandmother's 96 and My you know her my whole family that my dad's eyes all dead. So I'm the only one that is there. I take care of her And I've been that's her side. Yeah, that's my dad's my dad's mom And so I've been like sending money and like taking care of her for 12 or 13 years She lives in this very remote shit town in Northern California. Very hard to get to it's like three hours north of San Francisco Party of condition for the money. I'll send the money, but you gotta live in a real I need you to go to a Real hard you need to get away a real sad place a real Springsteen lyric of a town and She fell yesterday and hit her head and needed stitches And then they sent her home and I was like don't send her home because I think we're in the process of now she's got to go to a facility and She hit her head they gave her two staples and then last night as I'm going to bed Just right just the idea of giving your grandmother staples. It's like stapling an old apple fucking dude You're like, but she's not a UFC fighter. She's not gonna heal. She has no idea what's going on You call her the old apple from now on the old app all the old Apple fell Well, then they brought her home from the hospital and her neighbor called me She fell getting out of the car and they think broke her hip. So now she's in back So she left almost like a like a bit Yeah, she left them and came out like a Chevy Chase fall And then fell again and now she's in the hospital and it's just like I did I called my mom You know and I was just talking to her like I just don't know what to do and she's like you can't do anything more But it's the that people pleaser thing You're like, well, I want to be the best grandson, right and you're like, well, you're incapable I can't do that. There's no way to be the it's that competitions impossible It's a weird thing with my dad's family where my grandmother never really gives praise But then she will at the last moment. She'll hit a buzzer beater And she'll be like, I love you you do a great job and you're like, okay But she'll let it go till you're like there's no oxygen in the tank anymore And then she'll be like, I love you. Thank you for doing that You're like, all right. I almost just completely gave up but you you know, it almost it's yeah It's a manipulation technique. It's kind of the thing you have to do now if you put her it's kind of a tough love thing No, that's that's exactly it. It was like kind of working up the thing to be like, okay Well, now she doesn't have say she she like fell twice. So now it's just like well now there's evidence It's like you're arguing a court case against her. Yeah, but she's not there completely and she's mad at you for what you're saying Yeah, but it's a weird thing. I never would have guessed that Old people wouldn't want to go to a I mean, I guess it's obvious But my mom didn't want to go to a retirement home because she didn't want to deal with the social aspect and I was like You'd I she's the nice one of my parents. I was like, you don't want to deal with the social aspect Yeah, I thought I got all this from him. Yeah, turns out you're a monster also Yeah, and my grandmother, you know It took it took a while for me to grant to really realize that my grandmother is you know Everybody's a human and which means they have good and bad qualities and my whole life. It was like, oh, she's the cotton-haired grandma She's so sweet and then I go around an apple. Go ahead. Yeah, and then now you realize you're like, oh She let my father abandon two families, you know, she like let him drink himself to death There was a lot of shit that she did where I was like, yeah Starting to see the other side real quick and it's there is this feeling of like Release knowing I don't have to be perfect for her or like This this idea of like yeah, I can tell her you're going to a home And that's okay That doesn't make me less of a grandson that doesn't make me less of a family member to be like we got to put you in a home I know you don't want to do it. Look she doesn't fall again out of the car She bought herself three more months. She stays home. It really is it's a career. I'm injury sweetheart You're out. You're on IR. We got to put you on the list We got to see if the if you can get insurance for your contract. You can't even yeah We put you here. She's Alan Houston and I was yeah, dude And I was giving her like the Derek Rose where I was like you blew one knee. Yeah Let's fix it and the other knee goes and you go Yeah, like come on, you know, we can't give me an excel contract on this. Yeah Yep, so it's uh that happened last night and so now it's just like this morning. I'm just dealing with that like Calling the hospital to be like how bad is it? Well, you have to go wherever she is no, I'll uh I think the hospital will transport her to a Home, but will you know what home? Oh, I'll have to pay for it. Well, you've heard it or you'll just yeah I'll have to approve it. I'll have to do all that. I'll have to do like you're not gonna scout it though I'm not gonna scout it. It's uh, it's It's one of those things where it's like I can handle it Via satellite in a way zoom it. Yeah, I'll zoom I'll give me a zoom to her Oh, okay, and that's where but she's like 96 and the cognitive ability is just rapidly declining So it's like a sad thing where you're like, we're at the end We're at the end, but the part that makes me feel bad is There's a part of me that's like, what do you hold it on for? Granny Yeah, what do you hold it on for go see your kids go see your ex-husband go to the light You know what I mean, like you're not because I think that there's just a thing in human human beings that we Want to stay alive, but you're like like there's nothing There's nothing here for you. Yeah, I see her once a year at Thanksgiving She goes to bed at 5 p.m. Wakes up at 11 a.m. Naps in between then There's really not a lot of like she's not getting a lot done. It's a sticker. It's you know, she doesn't want hearing aids She's like very she's an old oaky. She's from Oklahoma. So she's very like, I don't want to do any of that I don't want to do any of that and you're like, you know hearing aid technology is actually pretty advanced And then she's like and then she'll turn around and be like When are you in san francisco? And I'm like in november She's like, I want to come to a show and you're like, you've never been to one of my shows This is when you want to go when you're uh old Saka organs and I gotta bring you down. I took her to a 49ers game when she was like 87 Right before they left candlestick park and it was It was a ordeal to get her To the stadium into the seats. This is when she was like, this was nine years ago. My mom came to my show This year and fill it. I mean 89s old. Yeah, she had hurt her hip making her bed It's like that's where that's where she is. Do you remember when you were 11 and you would fall off a house? Yeah, then you would be like I sprained my wrist. Yes, and then now they're like a wind Cause it's like that normie donald joker. He talks about that bruise and he's like a large bruise big bruise And it was caused by the wind the wind You're like, yeah, that's it's crazy. She um, the thing that I resent about her Is that I have tried my whole life to be like I'm gonna be at the punch line Like when I started working San Francisco 10 12 years ago Hey, I'm headlining come down like I can have someone drive you down and you we can get dinner And you can go back up and she'd be like, nah, she never watched anything. I ever did I don't think she knew what I did But I would send her money and then now it's the end and now she's like, well now I want to see it Look, I watched your county central presents. I didn't love it. I love it. The joke you did about me It could have had more tags. Okay, so the people pleasing me. What are you afraid? What were you afraid of rejection? Just basic rejection. Yeah, I mean my dad my dad left and Didn't wasn't a part of my life And I think when what that does to a kid when you're when your dad just splits is it's the ultimate rejection Because you're half him. Sure. So you're like, well, what the fuck? Yeah, you're rejecting your own product Yeah, she made me motherfucker. Yeah, and then now you're just gone. You don't call when you do you're like, ah, sorry I forgot I forgot the call and you're and so I think it just creates this you assume it's your fault Always, yeah, and it's not. I mean, I know he died of alcoholism. I know the reason he left He stole money from my mom. He did a bunch of better son. He found a better son. I wish that I wish I would have met some kid who's like, hey, man I'm roger a little better looking a little taller I'll start quarterback. Yeah, Gary was there every day. I'm like, yeah, I got it. I go. I'm glad he did I'm glad he found you. I'm glad he had you. Yeah, but it was I think it was the form of rejection that And then my mom Dated when I was a kid and I think what that does is it's like Oh, I'm not enough for her even right Like she's got to go find a new social life because there was in the moment where she was like, we're cool I love you. Is it okay if I go date? She was just kind of like, hey, this is bill He he stays with us now and you're like Hey, buddy Yeah, I'm the I'm a child. So I don't know what you are or who you are So it's like this weird feeling of like, um, nobody wants you. Yeah, you're not good enough Yeah, I remember watching this documentary about Kurt Cobain and he like his mom didn't want him to live with him So she sent him to his dad's and his dad's like, I don't want you to live with me Yeah, like live in the basement and it just created this and I was like for the first time I was like, oh, I it wasn't that bad, but I know that feeling I know that feeling of like, yeah, no one wants you And I know my mom loves me now that I'm an adult we have a much better relationship Was there any sense of freedom from it or was it you didn't want it? It was constant anxiety of what did I do wrong? I did something wrong. Yeah Because your parents are supposed to be there You know, I grew up in the suburbs And I'm around people where oh my dad is going to take me to soccer practice and then my mom is like Going to cook me cupcakes and we're going to remember it and like what and you're like, oh Yeah, maybe you get molested I mean, dude If I would have that would have to think had a much more focal point of like and this is where I'm like, man I just want to uncover one. Just fucking except one button. I got rejected by perverts There was even a like a form of rejection of not getting molested We're like, oh man, but there was a thing of like just this feeling of like, oh, I'm not good enough for anybody to To stay in my life and that's when my sister my half sister came in my life And really was like, hey, you're cool, man. Like you're a good kid You're a real good kid. You're like funny You're nice. Would she bring up adults like the Not great But just know that you're good That was the moment when I was 10 years old my sister because my mom knew how important it would be to have My sister in my life and she was 12 years older So she came into my life and she was kind of like You fuck like dad and that whole family fuck them They're alcoholics. They're they're wild They're just feral. Just fuck them keep them out of your life your mom and her boyfriend are nuts too Don't listen to them. How old was she at this point? I was 10. She was 22 great So she was kind of coming in. She was her own person. Yeah, she was like, you know what I mean? Yeah, she was another young adult that was just kind of like, yeah, you're a good kid Don't worry about any of this. Yeah, stay being you. What do you like? I was like, I like comic books and stand-up comedy and she was like, let's watch stand-up comedy What do you want to watch? Who do you want to watch? Yeah, you know got me into music like, oh, you should listen to this band this band's good Got me into Metallica and like a bunch of other shit Pearl Jam and you're like, oh this this rules. Great. You're a really good person So that was that like kind of saved me. I think from 10 60 and did you ever turn up? Did it make you think of the adults in a different way? It made me feel like I had a teammate Yeah, so it made me feel like oh Oh, I could call her whenever I go visitor. I go stay with her and she lived in riverside So I'd go stay in riverside with her for like a week And we just like kick it and she'd be like south park was coming out and I was super into it and she was like Oh, well, let's go. It was like video stores. Yeah, she's like, let's go rent videos like what you like mel brooks Let's go watch mel brooks. Let's watch. So it was a very like She was very like, what are your interests? Let's go to your interests and no one had ever asked before No Everyone was like, ah, you're watching professional wrestling again or like my mom's boyfriend would be like The 49ers because I was the only connection I had with my dad was through the 49ers. So I was like Oh, so I finally had a person that was like, hey, what do you like? Let's let's do what you like we can do that. Yeah, like tell me music you like so it was awesome It was like I think that That I think saved me from it being a lot worse. Yeah, you you need like a ally Yeah, or somebody that basically says like you're not crazy, you know when my dad died when I was 14 She was there to kind of be like, yeah, we knew this was going to happen. Like it's okay. What did you think? When you've heard I saw I saw it coming. He got sick. He had alcoholism. So I saw it like which man Get a cirrhosis. He had a hep C that turned into cirrhosis. How does that you just they start feeling bad and looking back? Oh, you wonder who gets it or who doesn't my grandmother called my mom and she's like, hey, uh, gary's Terminal and my mom was like, oh shit. And so my mom sat me down. She's like, listen We have enough money. I can either send you out to see him one last time or you can go to his funeral What do you want to do? And I was like, I'll go see him and my sister had not talked to him since she was 16 and she was 26 at the time and she was like All I'll go out there with you and she wouldn't make peace with him and stayed by his side until he died Was he apologetic? Did he hit a buzzer? Did he hit a buzzer beater? I don't know. I think he did with you though. No, no buzzer beater. No dribbled out He rolled the ball He just heard the buzzer and you're like, fuck, there was the red around the hood. So you're like, well, there ain't ever gonna But yeah, that was like that was the end of that stood on the scores table banged on his chest Put his fucking jersey out It was it was brutal and but you know, my sister being there to be like, yeah, we fucking we knew this was coming How Demolished for you. I was pissed Because I was like, dude, we could have fucking fixed some stuff. Like could you have though? I think I could have told him some shit. I could have been like, man, what the fuck dude? I loved you. You're my guy Because I got love by mom, but my dad was like fun as fuck. Yeah. So Yeah, so when I would see him it would be a blast every time So I wanted it to be like, dude, you were so fun. You couldn't have dad it a little You couldn't have given me one or two dad things Jay, you think you would have said that? I think I would have said something like that When was the last dad thing you guys did? Oh shit. I mean When I saw him when I was 14, he was so sick. He couldn't get off the couch He was like dying on the couch when I was 12 He was kind of like my aunt sent me out there as a surprise And he was like full alcoholic boat mode He lived on a boat. Well, he lived near a lake. So it was lake people. What is it with lakes and dirtbags? It's unbelievable. It is. It's like the ocean's too classy. It is. They're like, ew changing tides I need stale water. That's that's dead But I went out there and it was like an annoyance. He was like, uh, I got the kid What do you want? You know and he was like I stayed with him and his girlfriend and her kids and it just was like For how long? Like two weeks and I was just like, dude, this is so I gotta say everything you've told me about your childhood. I fucking hate. Yeah, and I don't I hate it because I'm mad Yeah, and that's I think that was like another thing of mine. It was like I was angry. I was and I didn't but I was angry in the way of like I wasn't I had a mom that she would tamper that down. She's like, don't you fucking get mad She's like, I've worked my ass off to put you in school and give you clothes Don't you fucking get mad and you're like I am mad though. Yeah, and then a dog on the dog whisper who's trying not to Yeah, do the thing that you're like trying not to bite the chicken And then I got into therapy and my therapist was like, yeah, you're allowed to be mad You can you can you can acknowledge that anger and like you actually have to let it go or it's gonna fucking kill you Do you ever see the movie this boy's life too close to home? You never watch it too close to home Inherently not started watching it and was like just too fucking close. He needed a father That's the one with uh, De Niro and De Caprio It's De Niro and De Caprio, it's De Caprio's first lead And it's there's a moment in the movie that I still like De Caprio because of Where they basically like are free. Yeah, and De Caprio does like Like sort of I might have to watch it now. It's like in the last 15 minutes. Yeah, he just does a thing That's so what you do. Yeah when you get free like he is like shaking like a little kid Yeah, it feels I mean, you know like the like as far as the freedom goes When I was finally able to like move out and stuff. I was like Oh I told chappell to watch this boy's life and it I was like it's real and he thought I was kidding when he watched it Like what do you what is this? Yeah, I was like, no, that's just kind of how it went down. White angst Yeah, this is what we're going for. This is where papa wrote so much attention Well, and there's not gonna be any marches for what the white kids are going to Just know that we're we have our own problem. Yeah, we have we have a form of suburban anxiety or just anger in a weird way, but it really like Yet when I was a kid, I wasn't allowed to be myself a lot. I had to be For my mom I had to be like a good soldier. Yeah, right. That was the feeling like be a good soldier Yeah, soldier through this be good And then I was like mad because I was like I felt rejected So I was being a good soldier, but then I also felt like Well, I'm not getting any of the benefits of like good job at a boy. I wasn't getting any of those I'd get him occasionally for my sister. Yeah, but she has to like call. Yeah Maybe on sunday, you'll go and then she got killed in the car accident when I was 16 And so I was just like, oh substances Soter come on. Yeah, come on with this What do you come on? This is a family pocket. Yeah, sorry guys. She got killed when she was 16 I was 16. She was 28. She got killed in the car accident on interstate 10 I 10. Yeah, what good other and otherwise good interstate. Listen from Newark from florida all the way to That's a straight shot Straight shot. You want by the way goes across this great land of ours. Yeah, and and and took your sister Yeah, and on an exit ramp to you guys were having road rage and one guy Went off the ramp and rear-ended her and killed her So it was I mean it was over like that. I need a rag to bite down on. I'm so mad Yeah, it sucked it for your for what happened. It really was this moment. I was so mad when it happened, but then it was like You know when like everything's going wrong in a day and you just hit that point that you're like What the fuck is this? Yeah, it was that I was like, okay What do you what are you fucking? Thank god oxy cotton wasn't invented until 1990 fucking seven. Would you are you a substance? Oh my god Yeah, I quit drinking 10 years ago, but I still smoke weed and I've started to get a little better handle on that But I was like once Michelle got killed. I was like, oh, so I'm just gonna get fucked up all day every day And that's just what I did that came out personality smoking weed before school smoking weed during school smoking weed after school drinking and then mushrooms just like everything just started getting Fucked up as I was getting as fucked up as I could From 16 to 29 just like yeah, we get fucked up all day. Oh, I loved it Loved it was good at it. I mean I got the family history fun I was a blast Talked to anybody that got used to get fucked up with me. They're like I was I was a I was a real good time never got mad Would always just be joking laughing. It it numbed everything. Yeah, it's spending money Is it expensive? Oh, yeah taboos Especially in New York when you moved to New York, you know, you're like, oh, I'd have bar tabs that were like I'd be by myself dropping a hundred and fifteen hundred and thirty dollars Just getting fucked up shots and beers start at what time Whenever whatever would kick it off If someone's like, yeah, you want to meet here and you're like, yeah, I'm gonna be a little late I'm gonna give beer next door and then I get a beer and be like, well I didn't want this I already were late. Yeah now we're in it And then it would just be like and I was good at it. I was like really good at getting fucked up Meaning you weren't I wouldn't get sloppy. I wouldn't throw up. I wouldn't get mad. I wouldn't start fights I was just really good at it same sense of humor same sense of humor joke around do voices I I would I would like my god. I would it was so much fun This guy's the total package. It was it was I would put on stand-up that I liked I would like find Obscure sets from people like I would find like oh, have you seen chappelle's second def jam? And like put it on or like I would find like uh, Dana Like you ever watched Dana Carvey's critics choice and like this bit right here Hicks, you know, like I would find random stuff because I loved stand-up. I believe Dave's second def jam He's wearing a sweater. I believe so his first one is the one with the pizza delivering pizzas in dc for dominoes And I still love that joke. I used to deliver pizzas for dominoes Yeah, why don't you motherfucker? This is gonna tip you had good bits in high school Crazy, he had a bit. Here's a bit. He had in high school alf. Remember alf. Yeah It's a good thing alf didn't land in my neighborhood. Yeah, because two weeks later You would have seen dudes wearing alf skin coats. That's so funny in high school. I mean, yeah That's like those jokes where you're like god damn like, okay. Yeah, you just wrote that as a child Yeah, like all right. It's like steve. You wonder when he wrote when he 16 years old calls his album genius Yeah, I'm just gonna stop. Um, yeah, okay. And I love I mean, that's the thing I love about stan I think like, uh, you know stand-up was the thing that I just loved and I was like Oh, well, I could just watch this and obsess about it fanboy. It's funny like what you were The thing that you were experiencing where you're like Abandoning yourself. Mm-hmm. You're getting abandoned. Mm-hmm. Therefore you think well, I should abandon myself but you're mad At yourself and them. Yeah, and it's like a perfect way to write stan. Yeah, because you're like, I suck But so right but like now I have a few things I'd like to say Yeah Before you fucking the the letter the message to the firing squad like and I wrote I remember like when I did Um, my first cone and I had some jokes about my mom dating It was five and my mom started dating some guy would come over. I'd be like cool a new roommate Don't touch my stuff And I like called her and I was like can't do these jokes about you dating and I kind of you're like Yeah, I kind of make you look like a little bit of a whore But it's like funny and my mom and I was like I just Just want to let you know and she was like that's hilarious. She's like, hey if I put you through it Write jokes. Yeah, she was like without her being as supportive as she was Like once she because once my sister died my mom was like, what am I gonna tell you? She's yeah, like you're an adult like you've be Once I was 16. I was like smoking cigarettes at home I'd get high in the garage like there was no like There was no like uh, Dan, you know, she was like I had a job It just became like a little adult Yeah, I would like help out around the house. I'm picturing you wearing a Name like a dance. Yeah sewn in Dan. I go. Hi. I'm Dan. I'm the son. Uh, what can I do for you? I'll mow the lawn. All right. Well, that's a lot. That's a bunch of things Were you people pleasing so that people wouldn't die or abandon you? Yeah, people wouldn't leave if I was nice to you you wouldn't leave if I gave you stuff you wouldn't leave Yeah, you know what I mean? So you were probably buying drinks all the time Yeah, let me get uh, yeah, I buy weed. Do you want to fucking smoke or go? You'd buy what buy an eighth, you know, I'd be like, come on fucking let's roll up Would you give people like a to-go bag? Hey, oh you want to know here you go. I was totally my personality when I was younger Like, oh, yeah, yeah cool. Yeah, and you never thought I'm getting I'm playing myself. That's how I was older When that kicked in that kind of tapped into the anger So you're like, what the fuck am I doing? Why the fuck and I started resenting that And then it was like Yanis Papis was like you need to go to therapy The fact that you are not in therapy is a danger to people around you And then I started going to therapy and I was like, oh You were snapping at people because you realize no one's making you people, please. Yeah, it was me So I started then you kind of your brain tells you they're making you They're not making you my mom tried to get me in therapy when I was young when I was like 10 because I started getting like a little violent towards people my mom was like we should Should probably put him in therapy didn't work didn't take who told you which therapist said you could be angry Different therapist the one I have as an adult. Oh, so you weren't angry No until you were 30 something mid 20s late 20s. Um, but I remember going to therapy with this guy Tom And I just was like, yeah, how are we going to get through this so I can go home? I was like 10 I want to go home and watch cartoons. I don't want to talk to you. You dork Gonna come in the office. You got a sweater vest on you fucking dork get out of my face It was like that kind of energy and then when my sister died I was entered into a trial to do actually you talked about this with josh homie the uh EMDR EMDR at denver university. They were trying it and I was a trial when I was 16, but I was super fucked up all yeah So it didn't work But they did the with the lights. Yep. They tried to like, oh, you processed a lot of trauma recently We're gonna try to we got fresh trauma. We got fresh Fresh catch, but they didn't know that I was smoking a blunt in my car In the in the parking lot and then coming in being like, man Jeannie doesn't want to date me and they're like, what we want to talk about your sister dying. I was like, I don't want to do that That's stupid. Yeah, we're not talking about that. She's gay. So yeah, stop being you fucking lame So it really became like when I was older. I finally got a therapist that was like You want to work on this stuff and I was like, yeah, I think I need to And then it's been 12 years and I could tell you my life has improved 200 It's a lot. Yeah, it's a lot. It's like those are sales numbers 200% 100% is complete. That's how you get up You're going to two you're getting a motion. Yeah 200% year over year Guys, you shouldn't have to worry when you're buying tickets for your next big event and game time is the fastest Easiest way to buy tickets to all sports music comedy and theater events near you with killer last-minute deals All in prices views from your seat and their best price guarantee Game time takes the guesswork out of buying tickets. All right, let's go. Who do we got? We've got the food fighters Oh, that's next year. Yeah, get on that. That's next august. You should start waiting in line now It's next august 9th. So with game time you could you could just wait until that day So you have about a year on that show and then you go on game time because they've they've Last-minute tickets lowest price guaranteed owl city to the house of blues here in la or maybe anaheim Owl city has a hit it was on my iPod I'm an older gentleman. I don't iPod and we'd put music on there And it was you couldn't believe it at one point I remember I had an mp3 player with a hundred songs and you couldn't tell me nothing There's a band called cradle of filth and they're playing tonight at the balasca where I shot blocks and three mics cradle filth of course is something your grandfather would call your your dirty bedroom or Your grandmother would call your mind the pretenders christie hind. I believe he's here Uh, we've got some comedy jim jeffreys this saturday at the somewhere city national Jim jeffreys one of the one of the greats. He's we've exchanged texts about him doing this podcast and it seems like it's a grudging yes christie d christie Uh, de stephano or de stephano still don't know. I think it's de stephano He's gonna be at the brea improv next weekend game time It's the only ticketing app that gives you complete peace of mind with your purchase See the view from your seat before you buy so you know exactly what to expect when you arrive Take the guesswork out of buying tickets with game time Download the game time app create an account and use code blocks for 20 off your first purchase Terms applies again create an account and redeem code blocks for 20 off your first purchase download game time today Last-minute tickets lowest price guaranteed Hi, what do you call a person who speaks three languages? Tri-lingual someone who speaks two bilingual someone who speaks one american Only 22 of americans speak a language other than english at home Start learning a new language this fall and be the exception not the role Because with babble you start speaking a new language in just three weeks this fall You can start speaking a new language with babble Why babble because it works instead of paying hundreds of dollars for a private tutor or fooling yourself with language apps That are a little more than games babbles quick 10 minute lessons are designed by over 150 language experts To help you start speaking a new language in as little as three weeks Babble is designed by real people for real conversations All of babble's tips and tools for learning a new language are approachable accessible rooted in real life situations And delivered with conversation-based teaching. You know, I love mexico city. You know, I love cabo Right, you know that about me now that i've been messing with babble a little faster with my Doughn days and my porphyvores Etc. I can say more than that, but I don't want to you know flex too hard You know what I mean? Whenever I use babble I'm trying to get to the point where I can just quickly mumble it the way I would in english Which is good and then you know Donday, uh, like just very very simple Like a native speaker would speak it it helps you get there faster studies from yale michigan state university and others Continue to prove babble is better for instance one study found that using babble for 15 hours is equivalent to a full semester at college With over 10 million subscriptions sold babble is real language learning for real conversations Get 55 off at babble.com slash blo cks Spelled b a bb el.com slash blocks rules and restrictions may apply This show is sponsored by better help. All right. Look, I can't Think of a thing we talk about more than therapy more. We talk about therapy more than shabelle show Which is hard to do. You know what I like about therapy You get to listen to yourself through the ears of someone else. You get to listen to yourself through the ears of yourself You get to consider what you're doing. You get to Think about with the kind of things your Traps you're falling into emotionally and personally It's helpful for learning positive coping skills and how to set boundaries It empowers you to be the best version of yourself It isn't just for those who have experienced major trauma therapy is great. You know, I think it's great If you're thinking of starting therapy give better help a try It's entirely online designed to be convenient flexible and suited to your schedule Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge Get a break from your thoughts with better help. Visit betterhelp.com slash neal to get 10 off your first month That's b e t t e r h e l p dot com slash neal Better help You have on here fear of failure. That was stand-up. That was like I loved it so much that when I started stand-up I was like, I cannot fail at this and I think that's failing at stand-up as a part of it Like remember how I was telling you I was doing jokes that I didn't think were yeah It was because I wasn't willing to fail To do the stuff that I wanted to do Like I would do something that I liked and it wouldn't work I want I want I won't I won't touch that again. Yeah instead of being like no no no Yeah, there is something here And then now that's kind of how I approach all my stand-up. It's pretty embarrassing Yeah, because you're like This is funny and then well, it's just embarrassing when you're like When you have portions that work and portions that don't and you don't know why they don't that's the hard part Right, but you don't know why you're like I was telling somebody you write a bit and it's got like six jokes in it And then three of them work and then that becomes the joke But you never forget about the six-bit version Absolutely, and you'll always be a little pissed that you couldn't get the six-bit version Out to the people. Yeah, I went and saw Colin Quinn run his hour And I was talking to him after and we were talking about when friends give you a line And then that line hits the hardest and then you're on stage and you're like I don't even want to do this line anymore. This isn't my line But they don't know they have no idea. They have no idea. But if you're the real ones start to think it's theirs If you're a real G you just go. Oh, this is my You just if you're really crazy enough, I just get to the point where you go I've got it. Uh, I've got it. No, he kind of started and I finished it I've got two bits where like there's two bits that I still do that like one bit Shane Gillis gave me a tag and it fucking murders and one bit Michelle Wolf gave me a tag and it murders And every time I do those bits I go well, that was Michelle. This isn't even me. That's not even me That was Shane Shane gave me that line. Yeah, that line works because it's fucking Shane You know and you're like and I kind of revert back to that like I fucking suck this this isn't you know, and then you're afraid of failing. So there's like this weird like I've got to do this, but I'm also like I can't fail at this And then once I started accepting failure and being like, yeah, it's just you fail. So what dude? Like it's not the end of the world panning for gold. Yeah, it's not it's it's just there's just a high It's cooking a tradition rate. Sometimes dishes are going to come out Not the way. Yeah, because the oven was a little too hot or something. You're like, you just let it go Yeah, cook the next thing No I know it's like imagine going to the to the plate of a restaurant if you're the chef And you're like, I can do this better and they're like, I just want to eat it. I don't care and you're like, oh, I can fix it Well, yeah, and then you're annoying. Yeah, but the fear of failure. I think is a good north star I mean, I don't I think like you there should be when people aren't competitive In stand-up or I'm like good luck. I think Stand-up in a way is like athletics for people who aren't athletic Yeah, because you're like, oh, this gives me the feeling of how competition must feel for Top athletes where you're like, oh, I gotta refine. I've got to like do bring in different stuff You know when you hear about like LeBron doing different training exercises to stay on top of his game You're like comics need to do that We need to like need to go read something you've never read or go I remember burr one time in an interview is like put yourself in uncomfortable situations Because your sense of humor will react to that and you're like, oh, yeah That makes real sense an uncomfortable situation. You'll be like You'll be like, why am I doing this and then you're like, oh, that could be a bit and so it like helps you along being like Uncomfortable and failing. Yeah, I don't I think there's nothing wrong with a failure. I think it's like it's the thing that I am almost over and I'm glad More even more than people pleasing is like, I'm happy. I'm coming to the end of my fear of failure It's just a big part of it. Yeah, but like it'll always be there, but it won't be a driving force It'll be the thing that's like subtly in the background like I realize it's there But I think for a long time it was like the main thing of like just don't fail Just go out and kill and pander if you have to yeah, and then you're done and you feel gross You're like, I didn't need to do that. Nothing happened. Yeah Yeah, you're like, but if you take a chance on something You believe in and it fails. It's a little more organic of a failure where you're like, all right Yeah, well, yeah, it's all the same hole. Yeah, I always say it's like it all the same hole Like the good idea and the bad idea came out of the same hole. Like I'm not gonna Condemn the hole. Yeah, it's a beautiful little fucking late with labia Fear of death Why do you think it was just like man, there was this thing of Um My mind goes to like fear of death in a way that I didn't even realize until katie one time was like Are you thinking about dying again? She would like see my face and be like, are you thinking about death? And I'd be like, yeah Yeah, I have like a pain right here and I think it's cancer and I'm probably gonna die and she was like What's up, dude? So you're just gonna live your whole life and then at the end be like, oh, I died in the whole time I was worried about dying and you're like, oh, yeah What do you think's gonna happen? I'm not gonna. I'm not I think like I'm afraid I'm not gonna be able to do I'm not gonna get to the point where I wanted to get as a person That's what I'm afraid of like I'm not gonna get to be who I was hoping to be I guess in my mind of like Letting go of the fear of failure letting go of the people pleasing like I'm afraid I'll die before I can Kind of similarly to how I felt with my dad when he died like oh, I I can't get a chance to correct that I can't get a chance to do it better. I can't get a chance to Make it more than it was you know, I I will imbibe some plant medicine from time to time. Yeah And I don't like to talk about it, but uh, uh, but I had the thought Yesterday I did maybe let's say I did some stuff Yeah, where I had the thought like I think maybe the point of life like the mission Is to Love yourself. Yeah, like that's maybe the mission. I really think there's a lot of like like what's the point of life and it's like Enjoy yourself. Yes and being okay with yourself. And I that's why I'm afraid because I'm close to it and I'm a I'm close to like The wisest thing I've ever heard anybody say was I did opiate Anthony with Mike Tyson and he was on there and um You know, it's Mike Mike Tyson. He's like been through so much shit. Yeah, we were talking about people booing I was like, oh when you're doing stand-up and one or two people are just giving you nothing And you're like the whole room's laughing. Why aren't you laughing and Mike Tyson was like I feel that way when I walked to the ring a couple people are booing me and I'm like Why are you booing me? You don't know me and then Mike Tyson was like It's a bad neighborhood up here and you're all by yourself and you're like, yeah So you're trying to clean up that neighborhood to enjoy where you know To be by yourself and it is you're like you're trying to enjoy yourself In this world and I and I asked my therapist. I'm like, are there people that do that? And he's like, yeah Most people are okay with themselves and you're like Fuck really Is that true? I just don't I don't when he said it I didn't believe him because I was like you're telling me there's all these people walking around just going like I'm pretty fucking great I don't think there's a lot of people He made he made me feel like it was like What percentage do you think it is if you want my dead honest opinion what percentage of people are walking around thinking they're okay Okay, that's that's I would that would be the top end to me the way I was gonna say 15 Yeah, I would say around there 15 to 20 percent the way I see the internet People getting angry about stuff the way that like they're so everyone's so easily divisible now By by hitting certain things and like how good people are marketing Anger and all that shit to get you to like I think it makes me think 20 percent Yeah, because they can hit that like because you can't Uh appeal to people that are okay with themselves. Yeah, the problem with people that are okay with themselves is that They're They're impervious to marketing. You know who is okay with themselves in the world You know those friends of yours that were funnier than comics you knew but they never got into stand up Those are the people I think up that they're like, yeah, I don't my buddy who's like super funny But he's just an electrician. He's like, yeah, I don't need to go do that I'm okay with I know I'm funny. Wait, you think you're enough Yeah, we're walking around thinking you're enough So you're just okay with everything you say you don't need people applauding and what yeah And to me that's like a superpower. You don't wake up every day down 10 points. Yeah, you don't enter every conversation every every morning I'm down fucking touch now every that's not your experience, sir But the more I'm okay with myself the more I enjoy all the stuff that I do and so it's like, um It feels like I'm going down the right path sometimes when you're like Oh, I really like I'm starting to do stuff. That's some people don't understand But then I'm like, oh, but it makes me feel good What kind of stuff leaving the bonfire was a weird one, uh, because I loved doing that radio show Serious XM still on Monday Monday through Thursday on faction talk 103 Uh five to seven p.m. Eastern But it was uh, it was a thing that I built that I loved that I felt like oh, I want to go do other stuff But the people pleaser in me was like, well, you can't leave this you built this. This is a family. You can't leave And then I was like, but I I want to I want You know I want to go just to stand up. I want to write cartoons I want to like write stuff. There was just a bunch of stuff that I wanted to do And it was like letting down jay who's one of my closest friends It was like letting down the crew which I had worked with closely for eight years and so it was like it was confronting that people pleasing that like Can be people that aren't happy including my friend jay and including my my friends that work on the show They're not going to be happy And that was really fucking hard It took me, you know, I was having panic attacks about it I was having like losing sleep talking about it in therapy and then finally I said it to jay and I was like Sometimes you just have to trust that your friends love you and jay was like, yeah, dude If you want to leave You've always said that he's like you've always said you didn't want to do this forever So that's fine And it was weird having that having like a friend be like I see you and you're okay And you're like So all that Was for nothing and then that helped me on the next thing be like I'm probably Having all this anxiety for nothing. We're just flying past everyone else's windshield Yeah, it's this thing. We think people are trying to like run us over. We're like central in everyone's mind We're not we're barely in the periphery. The best analogy I heard was gary goldman Said do you remember in school when you would go to the wrong classroom? And you would open the door and there'd be a class in there and you'd be like, oh, sorry And you'd shut the door and you'd be mortified And you'd be walking down the hall and you'd be like that whole classroom is thinking about me No one was thinking about you. Yeah everyone the door opened you they shut and they were like, all right back to Yeah, war of 1812. They didn't think about you when I heard that analogy I was like That makes so much sense in my head because I'm always like that classroom hates me Everyone in that classroom is mad at me for opening that door. They don't give a shit Yeah, the assumption that they're like Okay, but if you went to the wrong classroom, I would never do that. Yeah. Yeah, and you're a very understandable thing. Oh fuck Oh fuck So that just is like all that stuff the more and more I work on the more I'm like, oh, they don't care No one cares And what do you so the death thing What do you think is gonna happen to your Spirit and soul when you die if you believe in such a thing. I mean, I'm agnostic. I believe that um I believe that humans don't know I think we're all this is such such a complicated thing And our brains are so simple that I think it's just like that that's comforting That I'm like, I don't know but we'll find out. Yeah, you know, I don't uh, I don't Think that I know I don't think I'm like, well, you go to heaven and it's a nice bright place It's Beverly Hills. Yeah, and it's clouds shrubs. Yeah, and everyone shrubs everyone's nice It's just I think, you know, I think you return to a collective consciousness that you're kind of like I was a piece of You know, I was fractured and now I'm whole. That's what I hope. I think that's what I hope And what do you and what's the so when you fear it's so the fear of death is not If just feeling like you you get an incomplete, you know what my fear of death is my fear of leaving the people behind Because I got left behind Okay, so I feel There's a clip of Keanu Reeves saying that I think on cold bear where he was like All I know about death is that I know that the ones who love us will miss us and I was like damn that is You know that is pretty fucking accurate I think I'm like, uh, I don't want to leave people behind because my people please are So it ties into the fear of death of like, I don't want you to be sad if I'm gone You know, I don't know I'll be a big orb of light I'll return to the to the meanwhile you won't Give your grandmother that you're like get the fuck out of here. Go to the light. Get the fuck good the fuck are you doing? Well for her well for her, you know It brings up the resentment and the anger I had of like, well, where were you taking care of me when I was a kid Where were you telling why don't you tell my dad to call me? Why don't you tell my dad to pay a little child support? Why don't you tell my dad to fucking Get his shit together. Well, it's funny Don't you wish that we could get the revenge satisfied or like the passive aggressive The positive revenge know what you're saying like the positive revenge points like yeah, hey Granny, do you see what I'm doing? Yes Yeah, that's crazy. Do you see that like it's crazy? Because I don't think I've ever been able to put my feelings into words like that But positive revenge is the exact fucking feeling I have with her when I go like You don't know what I do. I'm really good at what I do And I'm fucking taking care of you with what I do with none of our other family members stepped up No, I stepped the fuck up my aunt her daughter was dying of cancer And she was like you got to take care of grandma and I was like and for 15 years I've taken care of her and that was the conversation I had with my mom today where she was like, dan You got to let go you can't take care of her enough, but it was like I wanted that positive revenge Yeah, I wanted that like hey remember when your fucking kid Bailed out on his family. Well guess who's not doing that guess who's going above and beyond that And then I still don't right and it's still and she's never gonna go She's never gonna hit the buzzer beater of like it would be sick though. It would be the sickest buzzer beater She was like you fucking rock that shit and I'm like, I love you, nana And you won't give it to yourself. No, that's the problem is like when we do the positive revenge Uh missions the fantasy. We don't ever go You know what you Squared that circle and you're a good person. Yeah, you just get like this motherfuckers I just don't appreciate it goddamn continue to feel sorry for myself. Yeah In fact feel more sorry for yourself because now because now you're a double thing and yeah And you're not even getting the like out of boy. Yeah, you're getting like the and I did this Still fucking didn't do that, but it is uh, it's a thing that like Yeah positive revenge Intimacy issues Yeah, man, I was afraid of letting people in for a very long time. What does that mean? Uh, what does that look like? I'll let you in There's a there's a sec. There's a there's a VIP section. You can't get in too Sorry, we're not letting people backstage. No, I got it. So sorry, you know, he's in the right wristband He don't have the right wristband. Sorry. You don't have the credentials. Yep I can truly say and and oh, this is corny. Katie's the first person I've let in Katie's the first person that I've ever been with. I think truly Friend or anybody family member that I've been like Come and take a look inside and she went in she went. Jesus Christ. You all right Let's go this place fall apart and you're like, I don't know anybody. Yeah, it's fine. It's fine. It runs I got a sleeping bag in the corner But like letting her in was like it. I mean, I feel so bad for everyone I dated before But it wasn't right. And I think maybe in my mind Subconsciously, I picked that person knowing like, well, they'll only get this far They won't have and they did it's entirely possible. You weren't getting into the every fp either No, and and this was like the first person I've let in that I was like Like, you know key in the door like you sure you want to let's made you let her in Being together during covet being together during covet and her Us having arguments and us having disagreements were finally she was like what is it? Why are you not letting me in and then finally you're like, ah, here it is And then once I let her in there wasn't this like This was like, oh, yeah, I love you. What were you arguing about that? She would be like, what she'd like you seem distant You seem like you can like like She'd be like, I'm talking to you, but then it feels like you just are like Not you and I'm like, yeah, because I don't want to do that and she'd be like why and I'd be like You'd be talking about some emotional Yeah, we'd be like it like I would do something where she'd be like it seems so out of character for you to do that like Were you not thinking and I was like, ah, I think you know, and I just I wouldn't admit That it was like well, it's hard for me to do this like you admitting a fault like I'm scared I don't want you to like if I let you in I'm gonna worry you're you're gonna die all the time It's relating back to the fear of death like if I let you in The people I loved when I was younger you're a black widow Let's be honest You're a jinx You're a jinx That's what I worried I mean you worry about completely because I'm like My I think that's what my sister's death did it was like, oh cool So because she was she was like kind of the only other person I've ever really like been like I'll come on in because when I did let her in it was all it was all positive and she was like Oh, you're a good kid Everything's going all right and then she died and I was like Well, if you let someone in that room they die Yeah, and so it was like well, I don't want I can't lose you I cherish you too much and then she finally she's like you gotta let me in and then I let her in and I was like Oh, okay, this is I'm still but I'm still like Don't you fucking die and I still worry about you ever wear a helmet a couple days a week, right? Dude, I bubble boy here. I'm like you gotta get in this bubble. You can't go nowhere I mean, that's like I didn't know I had intimacy problems. The funny thing is when you're like you let her in and it's like what What's the dilapidation the dilapidation is just you said a rough Yeah Time it was it wasn't your fault like life wasn't very kind so But the idea that you're like Oh You know, it's like what you didn't do anything You didn't murder a mix of people pleasing and all that stuff. You're like, yeah You almost feel like you're burdening them Like I felt like I was burdening her like hey I know I got all this shit from when I was a kid and like all these issues. Sorry, you know She's like yet. Did I love you? This is what love is like. I'll help you clean up Yeah, it's like cleaning up after a party. Yeah that she wasn't at you're like The place got trashed, but it's not even it's just hat. It's just emotional habits. It's not what is she cleaning up? I don't know. I don't that's just how it felt It felt like I was a bunch of shit And she like I don't think there is I think you're all right And that kind of made me realize like haven't you realized the older you've gotten like everyone has their package And you just use some some are bigger than others, but Kind of they're not like the ones you think like oh you have a small Uh grief package and then you realize like no, it's just as big as mine Yeah, I you know that was always the thing where like uh my therapist was like, yeah, you had a tough childhood and I was like No, I didn't they're doing a new grief package drop on grand theft auto. Dude. I love it. It's a dlc Yeah, yeah, it's a dead it's a dead dad drop. Yeah, get it right now play station store It uh, it really does feel like uh, you see other people's problems and you're like, I wouldn't want that Yeah, yeah, I wouldn't fuck with that at all and then people are like, well, I wouldn't fuck with yours and you're like Oh, so that's how we're all We all have our own things where you're like, yeah, it's just yours aren't mine But I don't think I'm I don't think mine are especially bad or mine or you know I talked to veky on about that all the time. He had a very military like a militant father And I was like that wouldn't tell by his haircut go ahead But I was like that would break me and he's like see that would break me Just having a single mom and all these random guys coming in and I was like, oh, that was fine though Like I was do you get used to it you get used to it and he's like, oh, I got used to my dad I love my dad. And I'm like, oh, yeah, so it was just like Kind of comparing and contrasting you realize like as you get older You're like, oh, everyone's got their own shit Everyone's carrying around their own shit and a lot of times when you talk to someone about their shit They warm up like that's a organic version of people pleasing is being like, well, what's your shit? I'll talk to you about your shit and they're like, thanks. Yeah, and there's this moment of like, oh Okay, and you're like, I can see this is helping you talk about your shit Yeah, like this shame around it. I just think is I hope it ends I mean that I think is absolutely our parents generation of being like stuff it down. Shut the fuck up You know what it is is They didn't I think we have too much individualism now. Yeah, they didn't have any They were like, you're part of this. Shut the fuck up. You're part of don't make waves Don't don't don't don't tell yourself Your waves are I am an ocean and you're like now you're not you're awake. So Everything I think and feel is incredible and unique. We over we overcorrected from our parents generation Hopefully there's nothing worse than just being annoying. Yeah, but I also think like all of the Conspirituality shit. Yeah is directly tied to that like I have my own thoughts about vaccines And I have my own because I have I read one thing and I heard a podcast and now I anything Anything there's no if I like it, it's true like our soldiers now are like, um war gives me anxiety And they're like, yeah, that's what it does. Yeah, that's what you're supposed to do But even like comedians being like the audience is being mean. It's like, well, no, they're just not saying something funny Yeah, so just you know, yes um Anxiety, I mean dude, I didn't realize how anxious I was until I started dating katie Are you like a foot? Popper I'm kind of like uh, I I shut down and I try to like Like she'll she gave me the example of when we're out in public I try to make sure that she's okay. Everyone's okay. And she's like, hey Enjoy yourself. We're in a ballgame. We're at a concert like you don't have to you can just go You can just be a part of it But I'd be like And then I can't talk like she can hear my breathe. We'll we'll play a video game sometimes And we'll both be on a headset and she'll hear my breathing and she'll be like dude Relax because I'll be like It's like I don't even know I'm being anxious. I just like go into this stage where I'm like Like what kind of game like rocket league something ridiculous Something we're literally playing to relax and I'm getting anxious because I want to do well Because it's against people pleasing. It's the fucking all this like adding up I didn't realize that it was making me so anxious. Also I'm a pod head. So I thought I was like Cool. Pod heads are the most anxious people By and large I've been really I've been really discovering that the last like two months And I remember years ago I dated this girl and she was like, you know You act like a pod head like you're all she's like I've never seen someone that flips out as much as you do and you're like Yeah, I do I'm and then Katie one time was like well because you couch it as like you're fucking harsh in my mellow man It's like no, I'm not You're constantly on edge. You're constantly shaking a little bit even after you've smoked weed And now even more so because it went it went sideways But I had never had she was the first person in my life that put the word anxiety on it Where she was like, you know anxious you are and I was like I'm a chill ass stoner and she's like, no, you're a fucking wreck and then I started being like I am And then she noticed it Now what are you gonna do? You can't smoke it. We ain't gonna help. Well now It's even better just like learning how to relax Naturally and be yeah, you know, I meditate now. There's just like a lot of stuff that I do where I'm like That yeah, I'm a big old puss big old Do my breaths in the morning kind of puss but I didn't notice it with my stand-up until she noticed it. I did Shane Gillis was uh did like five sold-out shows at carolines and he was like, dude, do you guess it? Like it'd be awesome Just coming and drop in and I'd be like, I'd fucking love to this song, you know, it's cool. It's my friend's show It's all sold out. No stakes for me. I'm just a surprise guest and I went up there and I was fucking around I'm just having a great time legitimately having fun And then I went into my bits and I was doing it like this and I but in my head I'm like, oh, it's time to do the bits now. I got a really now. I'm gonna kill You know, now I'm gonna go into it and the jokes weren't as working as well as I was when I was like Making fun of people and just fucking around and I got off stage and Katie was like, why'd you get so anxious? And I was like, what do you mean? I did my bits and she was like Dude, you were killing and then you went into like hooked up. Did you ever go to here? I went to here and then I did this and I was like, oh, that was pure anxiety Pure anxiety of like I have to do well Because in my head I'm like Shane's fans ring like this guy sucks. Yeah, and I'm like, no, but I was Yeah, and so it's that anxiety of like Like robotic almost and so now I'm aware of that every time I'm on stage. I'm like, hey, dude, this isn't a big deal This is fun Yeah, relax Chill out. You don't have to do well. Yeah, you can do okay. And if you have fun Watching comedians that have fun on stage Made me realize how much I'm not having fun on stage Like chappelle You watch chappelle on stage and you're like, oh man, never seen him But he just the way he flows the way he's like, oh, this is all so much fun I see that with like Sean Patton. I see that with Ali Sadiq Like Ali Sadiq. I just watch him and I'm like, this is such a guy that's just In it. He's just present. He's in it and he's having fun. Same with Shane Yeah, and I watch him and I'm like Nate I'm like, damn, you guys are all just having a blast and I'm up there like this You know, I'm just like, yeah fucking get out of me. Well, it's hard if you Have to I Not like I have memorization issues, but like I want to remember my bits are good And I like doing them and I like when they work And I can do crowd work that's funny and it's I just Don't see it as more valuable than my bits, but I know what you mean But I always used to watch patrice and big j and they do this thing where it's all One thing like I'll watch big j and he'll like talk to somebody but then he goes into like a long bit and you're like That was so fucking cool. That was so cool to watch because I kind of knew what was the pre-planned stuff But how you got there were organic. It just looked so smooth And I love that and I realized that I was like, are you guys having a good night? Good Dating is very difficult with apps and you're like, what the fuck dude just relax Yeah, but that was that's all tied to the anxiety That's all tied to like I'm anxious like I need to like and I it's a people pleasing feel a fear of failure Well, okay, so tell me what you've done to Improve all these things I don't smoke weed before going on stage I remind myself that this is so much fucking but I'm talking about in life not just this Not just anxiety like uh, similarly. I kind of am like dude. I look around and I'm like I remember being a waiter. I remember working at the bath beyond I remember working at all these places where I was like, dude, if I could just you stand up as a job That would be the shit and now I get to So why is there any anxiety? Why is there like? I Dana Gould had this speech in 2014. It just for laughs and it's um You can find it someone wrote it out and I go and back and I read it And it's very helpful because he basically gives the point of like hey if you're doing comedy You made it Yeah, this is such a hard job to be able to do for a living that if you can do it for a living It's there now anything else is just extra that thing that you want You're actually doing it right now Like up or down or whatever if you get to be a comedian you got to do it Bigger than that. What's so therapy helped you? Yeah therapy meditating Being able to be okay with stoned EMDR 16 year old stoned EMDR swatted that shit kind of I want to try that again Might want to try that again, but I really feel like um being okay with who I am And just being like you're not going to be this ideal version of yourself you're but Be okay with who you are or faults and all it's like It's like, you know when when you have a car that kind of sucked before you had money You had a car that kind of sucked But it ran and you knew what sucked about it like the timing belt slips a little bit, but it's fine That's kind of how you Treat yourself just like oh, yeah Sometimes this it doesn't go the fastest, but it gets me there And I kind of know where everything is I kind of can get in the driver's seat and and farts around What's the upside of all of your problems Because I always focus on the downside. I'm like there's a lot of upside to all of my issues I think it's given me perspective I think it gives me perspective that my empathy is I have an ability to be empathetic on a level that I'm like Well, if I hate me What do you know like I hate myself? So if you hate yourself we can I can I can kind of tell you Well, what do you don't like about yourself because I like a lot of stuff because I like most people I like individuals when I meet individuals I can always find something where I'm like, oh, that's fun That's like a cool thing that you do and so I think I have the ability to empathize with people on a level where I'm like I think I'm a sweet person I think I think my mom's very sweet. I think I'm very I think I'm very lucky to have had that and I think it influenced me to be Sweeter and more empathetic towards people like I can say all this shit about my grandmother But the fact that matters is I love her very much and I want her to be safe and comfortable Because I love her. She's my grandmother but I can't ignore all the other stuff that happened and that helps me like myself better Is being like you can be mad at her you can even get a little terse with her You can get a little tense and be like, hey, I'm gonna put you in a home But it's because I love you It doesn't have to be this like you're gonna listen to me because I'm fucking sick of it It's that we have that revenge voice. We're like, oh, I have the power now But in reality, you're like, hey What helps me is being like I love you and I'm scared So help me Help you so I can love you cleaner So when you do pass on I can feel at peace about it And be like I really helped and I loved you and I hope wherever you go after this life You're okay. Yeah, like as much as it's revenge. It's also like there's a right thing to do I like I would like to do the right thing. Yeah for me doing the right thing I wish I gave myself more credit for it. Yeah, that's exactly my soul. But that's exactly it because it's like I I like doing the right thing it feels good and I need to embrace that more of being like I did what I thought was right And I'm at peace with that that that brings me a little form of justice of being like I I I did I did what I thought was good It's and sometimes it'll be wrong But if I'm if I'm trying by going by my gut, I think I'll be all right Yeah, it's a better it's like Goodness for its own sake. I want to have fun. This is a cool. I have a cool life Incredible incredibly lucky. I've been incredibly lucky. I've been incredibly lucky for a lot of reasons, but I like enjoying that and like You know, I was telling Bert Christ, I just did his podcast and I was telling Bert one of the things I like But one of the things is like I see him enjoy his life and I'm like, that's cool Yeah, like that's cool to like turn around and be like this is fucking and I have those moments Where I'm like, dude, I'm staying at a nice hotel in LA. Yeah, I get to go I mean, you know before the cameras were rolling, dude, you know how obsessed with you and chapelle I was When I was 20 when I found out you guys got chapelle show I was the guy that was like my favorite band is about to be the biggest band in the world Because I already knew about half baked. Yeah, and I was a die-hard chapelle fan And I was like, you guys don't know and then it blew up and then I became a hipster and I was like Yeah, you guys are yelling rick james, but I was there. Just say it out. Yeah, I remember his hbo Half hour one night stand when he opened with the alcatraz bit. So you probably don't even know that song And then the one time I met chapelle I was still drinking and I just like Avalanched him with all these old bits that he hadn't done on a special and he was like Man, you really know my act, you know in a way of being like I'm being creepy Yeah, I had to pull back. Yeah. Do you remember when you originally did what white people eat and You said stovetop was a crack for white people because it divides our families He's like and he would be like, I don't remember ever saying that and then I'm like Uh-huh, but yeah, it is like man. I it's it's cool like this is yeah, I agree Like not I don't yeah, I agree. I agree. It's just like cool. Yeah, it's like, um You know, I especially in this business of this business a lot of times can turn into a comparison Yeah, where you're watching other people but I've in the last since I saw you last Have really learned to genuinely be happy for my friends. Yeah in a way that's like Fuck yeah, Nate You selling out arenas Shane is on his way to be in the next louis like there's there's so much stuff where I'm like Fuck yeah, dude Go go like Norman and maril and all my friends that are doing well. I'm like fucking go dude. This is awesome Yeah, who should Yeah, it's like yeah them. Yeah, they're all great. You watching your friends and you're like go dude This is great. Go win. Yeah, and then it makes your wins feel better Because you're like hey, we're all yeah for its own sake. It's again You're doing you you want to be supportive for its own sake, but you also want you hope it's reciprocated You hope it is. Yeah When you expect it is when shit gets sour Is when you're like I expect you to do that But when when it comes through naturally Like a like a natural sweetener and like a fruit or something like that was very enjoyable and healthy Dan Soder everybody Goodbye